Survive This
Friday, April 28, 2006
Episode Eleven: Terry and the Casayans
Previously on Survivor:
You know, I thought this bit with the previous, where I opened the summary with a previously on a TV show other than Survivor (or whatever show I was writing about), was cool. But it’s gotten old. I’ve pushed the bit well beyond the humor limit, and I struggle now to think of a previously on that is cool and funny and, more importantly, appeals to…
Wait.
I may have another.
Previously on Survivor:
Plankton stole King Neptune’s crown and framed Mr. Krabs for the crime. Spongebob and Patrick decide to go on a quest to retrieve the crown from Shell City, the place no one comes from. They find the crown and ride the Hasselhoff back to Bikini Bottom.
Sorry. That was previously on the Spongebob Squarepants Movie.
Previously on Survivor.
Courtney was forced to eat a lot of shit, Shane yelled a lot of shit, and Bruce was unable to shit. It was the latter problem that forced him to leave the show prematurely, which probably wasn’t the first time Bruce has done something prematurely.
Bad-a-bing! Thanks folks. I’ll be here all week.
Or at least it seems like it.
Anyway, Gitmo. Day 28. Shane drops a Koran into the outhouse, while Danielle rubs her breasts against Terry’s back in an effort to break him and tell her the whereabouts of the private immunity idol.
Sorry. That was offensive. And unfunny as well, which is far worse.
Gitmo. Day 28. We open with Terry in the water, fishing. Aras is also preparing to fish. Later, they will take their cocks out to measure whose is larger, then collapse into each other’s arms.
Sorry. I did a similar joke last week. I’d start again, but I’m not sure it would get any better.
Anyway, Terry, in confessional, tells us he needs to make some allies. Ya think? On the other hand, things are going pretty well for him so far being the only one left. He adds that Bruce leaving the game for medical reasons has helped him because he got to skip an immunity challenge. Perhaps, but you could also look a Bruce leaving as hurting him. Bruce was the next out at the challenge, Shane got neglected by Cirie for reward, and Courtney was the target of all the negative comments. It was the perfect situation to try to get those three together to shift gears and vote out one of Cirie, Aras, and Danielle.
Back at camp, Shane decides to go to his thinking rock. The thinking rock thing is bad enough. But Shane has found a piece of wood the approximate shape of a PDA, and he is now referring to it as his Blackberry. He goes through a list of features, including texting, e-mail, phone, and web access. He is sending messages to his business partner and receiving messages from his son.
Now, with most people, you would think it was just a playful bit to lighten things up. But Shane normally acts nuts enough to make you wonder if he really doesn’t believe he is communicating with people not on the island, or, for that matter, in this dimension.
I remember the great debate during Amazon – was Unterboat Capitan (® Landru) Matt really crazy or putting on an act? I was firmly in the putting on an act camp (not to mention firmly in the Putting On The Ritz camp)
The Co-Leaders of the Putting On The Ritz camp
But Shane? Dood’s nuts. Absolute crackers.
In confessional, Shane also tells us that his Blackberry is “My other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend...he’s my life.”
And don’t think the rest of the camp hasn’t noticed it. Everyone walks around Shane a little slowly, treating him like the crazy relative at Thanksgiving.
Cut to the reward challenge. It’s water-rope-obstacle course time. The survivors will be divided into two teams of three. Each will be attached to a rope that runs through the obstacle course. The rope twists over and over itself, goes into the water, then out of the water onto a platform, goes around posts, up and over and back again over boards in the water. You get the idea. The teams have to follow the rope until they get to a floating platform. There they detach from the rope and, one at a time, cross a series of smaller floating platforms until they reach another platform. From here they dive into the water to retrieve a bag in a box in the water. Once all three bags are retrieved, they attach back to the rope, then follow it back over the course and dropping their bags on shore.
You know, you think Burnett would find easier ways to smuggle drugs. But whatever.
Do you want to know what we’re playing for? Sure you do. It’s the obligatory plane ride-barbecue. You know the drill by now.
Anyway, since the challenge has been explained, it’s time for the random drawing of teams. On one side, we have Terry, Danielle, and Courtney. On the other we have Aras, Shane, and Cirie.
Did anyone on the show staff really think these teams are fair? On the other hand, is there any combination of three survivors that you could place Cirie on and not have that team have an incredible disadvantage? I think not. I mean, who could you place her with and still have a fighting chance on this challenge? No offense meant, but the woman has lost less weight than Hurley.
= 
?
As expected, the only suspense to the challenge is whether or not Shane and Aras are going to be able to get Cirie out of the water and onto the first platform. Terry, Danielle, and Courtney get so far ahead of Shane, Aras, and Cirie that the latter group barely reaches the second floating platform before the first team completes the course.
Probst proclaims them the winners, then offers them the obligatory choice of who to send to Exile Island.
Now, as entertaining as it would have been to see Cirie or Shane on Exile Island, Terry does the smart thing and convinces Danielle and Courtney that they should send Aras to try to drain his energy. Aras is taken off, and Cirie and Shane are sent back to camp. So time for reward, right?
WRONG!!!!!
It’s time for another challenge. Probst fishes in his pocket, then pulls out the keys to his hotel room. The winner of this challenge gets to spend the night with Julie! Please let it be Danielle. Please!
Sorry. My bad. The winner gets a GMC Yukon. That’s probably more appropriate, but it’s certainly more dull.
The challenge is to use a slingshot to break your tiles. Each of the three has three tiles. The first person to break all three tiles gets the Yukon.
Terry has to be the favorite here, but if I’m Terry, no way am I winning this challenge. I’m shooting into the woods, into the ground, into the air, into other people’s targets. There is nothing to gain for Terry by winning the challenge and everything to gain by letting someone else win. Particularly someone like Danielle. No way Danielle doesn’t follow Terry’s orders for life if he lets her win the Yukon.
But no, though it doesn’t go as quickly as I thought it would, Terry does eventually win.
Now it’s off to their own private island, where Terry’s Yukon, and a feast of steak, sausages, soft drinks, and chocolate cake await them.
Mmmm. Steak. I think I need to eat lunch.
Meanwhile, Aras has arrived at Exile Island. He knows there is no Idol there, so he doesn’t even have that to look for. Just him and his arrow.
So, how boring has the Exile Island thing become? This is the only bit of Aras at Exile Island. The only one. It’s like he had a blockage and was just removed from the game for a few days. Further, I’m betting that if it weren’t for Burnett screaming at them to include an Exile Island shot or else, the editors would have left it out. It’s filler, it’s overdone. Dood is on the island. Nothing to search for, just Aras being alone. The end.
And considering this group, he probably really didn’t mind the being alone part. The part that completely drains your energy? Sucks. But the part about being separated from the other Casayans (and Terry)? Rocks.
Jump back to the reward. The plane touches down and Terry finds his Yukon. He proclaims it “righteous,” and back home his son throws up a little in his mouth. Terry adds that his wife told him to come back with at least a car. And some milk. And garbage can liners. She gave him a whole list, actually.
Anyway, they pile in and drive to the beach. Terry lights the grill, starts the meat cooking, then sits down to talk with Courtney. As they talk, Danielle stands by the Yukon and plays with a soccer ball by herself. She looks for all the world like a little kid playing while the grown-ups talk.
And do they talk. Courtney opens by saying how nice it is to be on the winning side of the challenge, and she refers to the three of them as the Dream Team. Terry immediately picks up on this, saying that they should be the final three. Courtney agrees, and mentions that if Terry does all the work, the three of them will be able to take out Aras first, then Shane, then Cirie.
In confessional, Courtney says that she’s been trying to figure out a way to get Terry to the final two because she would have a good shot of winning against him. Courtney hon, let’s talk. Everyone wants to take you to the final two because they know you would get fewer votes than the aforementioned U-Boat Captain. Hell, Court, if there was a way that you could be both in the final two and on the jury, you wouldn’t vote for yourself.
The meal is cooked, and the grown-ups tell Danielle to come inside, wash her hands, and sit at the table. After she does, they fill her in on the plan. She agrees with it, then in confessional say that she has to change up Terry’s strategy.
Back at Gitmo, Shane tells Cirie that they can talk openly about strategy since everyone else is gone. Then he offers to show her his cock. She demurs politely, and he drops the subject.
But not his cock.
He mentions that if Terry wins immunity, they need to get Aras to vote Danielle off. Cirie mentions voting Courtney off, and Shane says that either of them could beat Court at final two, proving that Shane isn’t completely deranged.
Yet.
In confessional, Cirie says that Courtney may be more dangerous than Terry because everyone will want to take her to the final two. Uhm, Cirie? That should include you, hon, cause Courtney and Shane are the only two people you can beat. But she doesn’t look at it that way, and decides Courtney must go next.
Something about standing there as Shane stands with his cock in her hand reminds her of worms, tiny, tiny worms, and Cirie decides to go fishing. She takes the small pole, the line, and a snail, and heads off to the water. She says she used to go fishing with her dad. She adds that everyone else has tried, and now she wants to as well.
Cirie gets to the beach, and proceeds to kill the snail for bait. Well, proceeds implies a speed to it that is belied by reality. Let’s say she eventually kills the snail for bait. She hooks it on the line, then tosses the bait and line into the water. With a speed rivaling the speed with which ovens bake on Emeril, Cirie has caught a fish. It’s a big fish, as opposed to Big Fish.
Cirie did not catch this Big FishShe also did not catch these big fish
Cirie drags the fish back to camp, giving it a nice sand breading. She tells Shane she has a birthday present for him, then shows him her fish.
No, that’s not code.
He is surprised, then hugs her and tells her how proud he is. Shane says that Captain America has been trying for three weeks to get a fish but Cirie gets one on her first try. He then adds that Iron Man will be proud when he gets back from Exile Island, but predicts that Sue Storm and Ms. Marvel will not be as excited.
The reward winners show up, and Cirie wants them to see her fish.
No, that’s not code.
Cut to the next day. Danielle wants to talk to Terry. She says she realizes Courtney is the best final two opponent, and wants assurances that Terry isn’t committed to taking Courtney over her. She says over and over that she doesn’t want to be third.
See, Courtney is such an obvious choice even Danielle can figure it out.
Terry doesn’t want to make a promise that he might break later, so he tells Danielle that the three of them should make a pact – the final two will be the people who come in first and second in the final challenge. Danielle agrees that this is a fair approach, and I think Terry is actually sincere about it. I think he realizes that he can’t alienate any possible votes by making promises he needs to break.
Danielle tells Courtney, and she’s immediately hesitant. Danielle doesn’t help her cause by saying that the plan means no one gets a free ride to the final two. Courtney takes offense, saying that anyone who gets to the final two has earned it.
Right. Tell that to Vee.
Anyway, Courtney goes on and on about this, telling Danielle she was being insulting.
Now, I’m no Danielle fan. And she doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb in the fridge. But I don’t think she meant anything by the comment, at least not anything to merit getting an earful from Courtney.
Courtney is so loud, Cirie can hear her. She immediately corners Danielle and gets her to confess. Danielle tells her of the plan, and Cirie responds by convincing her (not that it takes a gargantuan effort to sway Danielle’s mind) that Terry is never going to honor the pledge and that, no matter how the final immunity challenge ends up, Terry is taking Courtney with him.
Okay, on to the immunity challenge. It’s Rube Goldberg contraption time again. That or Eros Boutique contraption time. Each survivor kneels on a plank. They are grabbing onto two ropes, one in each hand, that, through a complex system of pulleys, are holding 20% of their body weight. The weights are just above a lever connected to their plank. If the ropes slip out of there hands, the weights hit the lever, and their plank collapses, dumping them into the water and ontop of the mouse. Every fifteen minutes, 10% more of their body weight will be added to the ropes.
The Eros Boutique Immunity Challenge
The survivors are weighed in and take their places. Shane, Cirie, Aras, and Terry all have 34 pounds on their lines, meaning they each weigh approximately 170 pounds. Right. Sure. Courtney and Danielle have 24 pounds, meaning they each weigh approximately 120 pounds.
I can do math!
Shane struggles immediately, dropping into the water before the first fifteen minutes are up. He doesn’t even outlast Cirie, though, to be fair, there is no chance that she weighs the same amount as he does. Cirie is the next out, then Danielle. Aras tries to stay in, but being exiled takes his toll. All that masturbating really wears a fellow out. Trust me on this one. So it’s down to just Courtney and Terry.
I don’t think Courtney has any idea how much more than Terry she needs this immunity. She stays with it a long time, but despite Shane’s constant yells that Terry is almost done, Terry shows no sign of fatigue and Courtney finally gives up.
I just want to take a minute to say good on Terry. Dood is 39 days younger than me, and yet he is kicking the ass of all the younger survivors.
Back at camp, Terry tells us in confessional that it’s great to have immunity again. No shit, Sherlock? I mean, isn’t your only hope winning immunity every time so you don’t have to use the “get out of snuffing card free” idol? Terry further offers that Aras has to know he is the target.
We see Cirie and Courtney talking, and Cirie convinces Courtney that she is down with the plan. She tells her not to say anything to Shane because she is sure he wouldn’t agree and that there would be too much fallout.
The two proceed to talk to Shane and Aras, and the four agree they will all vote for Danielle. Cirie then gets Aras and Danielle alone, fills them in on all that has happened, and say that they need to vote out Courtney because of the danger she poses. Aras appreciates the fact that Cirie has his back, neglecting to mention that he also appreciates her removing the one person Cirie could beat in the final two. Danielle, of course, will do whatever the last person talking to her before tribal council tells her to do.
Off to tribal council! The survivors arrive, and Jeff brings in the jurors. There’s Austin, and Sally, and a visibly lighter Bruce. Apparently he’s been rotor-rooted since he left the tribe. Jeff wastes no time getting into it.
Jeff: Terry. You’re making me forget Andrew Savage.
Savage: Thank fucking God!
Terry: Thanks Jeff, and thanks for not mentioning the Yukon thing.
Shane, Cirie, Aras: The Hell?
Danielle: Oops. Forgot to tell you that Daddy, I mean Terry, won a car after winning the reward.
Terry: (Patting her head.) Good girl.
Jeff: So was it nice to go off with two hot, at least by the tribe’s standards, girls?
Terry: It was great to have a chance to put the game aside for a while.
Cirie: (Standing.) Oh no you deedn’t. This boy never puts the game aside. He’s been playing harder than Kobe in Colorado this whole time. Can I get a whoop whoop jurors?
Jurors: (Crickets chirp. Bruce snores. Austin is tickling Sally’s feet.)
Jeff: Okay, Terry, you’re the only person to wear the individual immunity this time around. Anyone trying to get close?
Terry: No Jeff, everyone here is really tight.
Jeff, Terry, Aras, and Shane: (All turn to look at Cirie, Courtney, and Danielle, then) Bwahahahahahahahah!
Aras: Good one. Yeah, we’re close, but it’s time for one of us to go and there’s a big target on my back.
(Insert last week’s big target joke here.)
Jeff: It’s interesting, Aras. You’re a threat to everyone, but you’re the only person on this island, including all the crew, who has a chance to bet Terry in an individual immunity. If you get voted off, the rest of them should just let Terry pick his final two partner now.
Aras: From your mouth to God’s ears, Jeff. From your mouth to God’s ears.
Jeff: Shane, are you basing your vote on who you want to face in the final two?
Shane: Well, it’s time to eat one of our own, but it’s early to be thinking about endgame.
Jeff: Right. I’m sure you haven’t considered that yet at all. Danielle, how does all this talk of strategy and voting make you feel?
Danielle: My brain feels like it is about to explode.
Jeff: (Pats her head.) Of course it does. Fortunately, that won’t cause much more damage than the average sparkler. Courtney, how did it feel last week to find out everyone hates you?
Courtney: Well Jeff, it really made me
Jeff: Shut up. I hate you too. Let’s vote!
Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!
We see a remarkable number of votes – everyone but Aras and Danielle. Cirie cites her unwillingness to settle for fourth or third as a reason to vote for Courtney. Terry cites Aras’ strength and ability, plus their unrequited love, as the reason for his vote. Shane writes down Danielle’s name and says now she won’t ever have to hear him yell at her again. I didn’t realize he was such a thoughtful guy. Finally, Courtney votes Aras for strategic reasons but adds that he is so beautiful.
So that’s two Aras, one Courtney, and one Danielle. After the tallyman tally the banavotes, the final score us Aras, Aras, Danielle, Courtney, Courtney, Courtney. Courtney looks shocked. Shane looks shocked. Terry looks a touch surprised, though not incredibly so. Jeff tells the remaining survivors that there is no doubt that this is now an individual game. We go to commercial, and Courtney’s parents, Muffy and August, say they miss her and can’t wait to go sailing with her at the beach.
As we fade into a Vegas wedding, Courtney says that she was completely surprised by the boot. She adds that her sisters got her. That’s right. Sisters are doing it for themselves.
Time to go. But not before I leave you with this from Deadspin.
¶ 4:58 PM 1 Comments
Friday, April 21, 2006
Episode Ten: The One With The Blockage
Previously on Survivor:
The teams headed off to O Man, to find a giant incense burner. MoJo lifted a camel. The hippies got forced to take a shuwa.
Sorry, that was previously on my TAR summary, which you can read here.
Dayum, I’m smooth.
Previously on Survivor. Shane showed his pee pee to Cirie, and she did her best not to visibly laugh at it. Despite mucho pleading, Sally was booted. Who will be booted off next?
Ha-ha! No one! Yes, thanks to the magic of commercials, we know that someone is taken out of camp due to a medical emergency. No boot for you!
We open. Morning becomes Survivor. Terry, in confessional, mentions that he has a big target on his back. There’s a big Target about two miles from where I sit writing this, but you don’t see me complaining about it. Terry adds that he needs to win the next three challenges to make the final four, then he can use the idol to get to final three. At three, he can win the challenge to get him to final two.
You know, if I’m Terry, I’m loving my odds of winning any physical challenge against this group and I’m also pretty fond of my odds of winning any mental challenge against them. Don’t put much effort into the reward challenge, save it all for the immunity.
Back at camp we see Danielle and Shane congratulating each other. On what, I don’t know. I mean, what were the odds one of them wasn’t coming back from tribal council? Shane once again breaks his own record for the highest number of stupid statements by one contestant in one season of Survivor when he says that they are on the verge of being the first tribe to ever stick together all the way til the end.
Finally, Bruce is complaining about nausea and constipation. He’s been watching the dailies! He says he hasn’t gone to the bathroom since the Panamanian village feast. Thanks for sharing, dood! Say, this doesn’t have something to do with the commercials they’ve been running all week, does it? Naw. Probably just a coincidence.
Meanwhile, treemail. Treemail! Actual treemail! And not just treemail, but gifts. Dolls, to be precise, one for each remaining Survivor, along with instructions to personalize the doll a little. Cirie gives her doll boobs. So does Danielle, but somehow Danielle’s look a lot less natural than Cirie’s. Shane gives himself a tattoo with the doll’s name, then tells us in confessional that “We grew up together. He’s my other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend...he’s my life.”
Okay, that didn’t really happen.
Okay, that probably did happen, but they didn’t show it to us.
Anyway, off to the challenge. The survivors tramp in, dolls in hand, kind of like a road show production of Annie. Our challenge is a combination of two favorites, the put the survivors on the spot by making them answer questions about their colleagues with the reveal your alliances / take out your hatred challenge. Hey! I did this episode last season, only the summary was much funnier.
Probst hands each survivor a survey for them to complete. The questions are all about each other. He then gets the results and tallies them.
That man. How he loves to tally.
Meanwhile, the dolls are taken and placed in a sordid death trap. There are spring loaded torches below each doll, held in place by three ropes. When all three ropes are cut, the torch hits the doll and sets it aflame.
Methinks Burnett is developing some aggressive feelings towards this show.
Okay, the results are tallied and it’s time to ask the group the questions. If you get one right, you can chop the rope of another contestant.
You know, Probst should just have Terry sit down right now. Hell, he should just send him to Exile Island right now. Not only does Terry have no chance of winning this challenge, he’s the automatic exile for whoever does win it. Why, the only way Terry could win is if he answered eighteen questions correctly before the other six combined answered three questions correctly.
On second thought, when you put it like that…
No. No. If it was island trivia, yes. But you just know that we’ll get questions like “Who is the most obnoxious?” and “Who is the craziest?” and, even if there is a four-four tie on the former between Courtney and Shane, there will be at least four correct answers. Terry is meat.
Almost forgot. Do you want to know what you’re playing for? The usual. Helicopter, spa, massage, tons of food, warm bed. Now on with the questions!
Question 1: Who does the least for the tribe? The correct answer, or at least the most common response from the surveys, is Danielle. Cirie, Aras, Terry, and Shane get it right. Terry chops Aras, the other three chop Terry.
Question 2: Who never shuts up? Cirie and Shane pick Courtney, the correct answer. Somehow, Courtney is shocked. She is also surprised when she is informed that she is on a reality TV show. Shane and Cirie both target Bruce, who seems a little taken aback.
Question 3: Who mistakenly believes they are running this game? Shane is the correct answer, picked by Aras and Courtney. Aras sends Bruce out of the game, Courtney takes out one of Shane’s ropes. Probst tosses a little crap Shane’s way, much to Cirie’s delight.
Question 4: Who would you trust with your life? Cirie is the right answer, and only Aras gets it right. Cirie thanks him as he chops Courtney’s first rope.
Question 5: Who would you not trust to watch your back? Aras and Courtney pick Terry, which makes sense given that he is the only member of the other tribe still left. Courtney chops Danielle and Aras chops Cirie. Aras has now answered four questions correctly and chopped the ropes of four different people. Dude ain’t falling for the tricks of the man!
Question 6: Who is the biggest poser? Courtney asks “What is a poser?” with the same sort of line delivery Kellie Pickler used to ask “What’s a mink?” Once again, only one person gets it right, Aras, and he chops Danielle. That makes five correct answers, five different ropes chopped.
Question 7: Who is the moodiest? Courtney and Aras correctly answer Shane. Courtney chops Shane, sending him off on one of his tirades until Probst basically tells him to shut up. Aras then chops Danielle, sending her to the sideline. It’s the first time Aras has given two chops to someone, and then only because he had to do so.
Question 8: Who most easily succumbs to intimidation? Shane correctly chooses Courtney. Courtney had originally chosen herself, but changed her mind when she got herself scowling at herself. Shane takes a hit at Courtney’s ropes.
Question 9: Who is the most annoying person out there? Everyone but Courtney picks Courtney. I would have bet a ton that there would be some Shane votes. Courtney is surprised that people feel that way about her. In fact, she gets downright angry about it. Aras takes Courtney out of the challenge, Shane takes a hit at Aras, and Cirie, after being begged by Shane to take Aras out, takes Shane out, causing him to go off on another tirade. Danielle tries to tell him it’s just a game, but that approach goes nowhere.
Question 10: Who would never survive on their own? Cirie picks herself, Aras picks Terry.
The hell? I mean, how…
Oh.
My.
God.
Aras has a brain. Aras has a damn brain. He has played this challenge perfectly, distributing his chops among everyone, and when the win is on the line, he chose the answer that could not possibly be the correct one, all so that Cirie would win instead of him. Perfect gamesmanship. The challenge is over, and Cirie has won.
And now a little dialogue.
Probst: Cirie, do I even need to bother asking or can I just send Terry to Exile Island now?
Cirie: You do what you have to, Jeff.
Probst: Great. See ya Terry.
Terry: Cool. Maybe *giggle* I’ll find *big laugh* the idol *huge guffaws*. Man, I kill myself sometimes. If you need me, I’ll be in the cabin I built there.
Probst: I’ll be by with Julie and some beers as soon as the poison takes Bruce down.
Bruce: What the?
Probst: I kid, I kid.
Bruce: Whew!
Probst: Okay Cirie, time to pick two people to join you on the reward.
Cirie: What? I have to alienate even more people now?
Probst: Dood, have you never seen the show before?
Cirie: Okay, Aras. Also, hmm
Shane: Pick me and I’ll show you my penis again!
Cirie: Danielle. Aras and Danielle.
Shane: How could you? Danielle? That lazy bitch? We had a thing Cirie! I showed you my wee wee!
Cirie: Uhm, Jeff, is that helicopter coming?
Shane: I stood there and showed you my John Thomas, and you pick her. Has she shown you a trouser snake? Has she flashed the hose at you? Has she?
Cirie: Jeff? The helicopter?
Shane: I know she hasn’t, cause she doesn’t even have one. She doesn’t even have a cock! But I do! I do, and I showed it to you!
Cirie: PROBST, WHERE IS THE DAMN HELICOPTER?!?!?!?!?
Fortunately for Cirie, the helicopter lands, picks up the winners, and starts to take off. Sure, Shane hung onto the door for awhile, but the crew was able to pry his fingers off and he only fell a dozen feet or so.
In confessional, Cirie tells us she chose Aras and Danielle because they were more fun to be around. I’ll grant her that, but it’s not like the competition was tough. I mean, who wouldn’t choose Aras and Danielle over Mr. Constipation, Mr. Psycho, and Miss Psycho? As the reward winners arrive, they begin talking about the challenge and how Courtney swept the bad categories.
For their part, Shane and Courtney are not laughing. (Neither is Bruce, but then, Bruce isn’t doing much of anything by this point.) Courtney says she was hurt by what people said and that she cares what other people think about her. This shocks Shane. His shock shocks her. He is shocked that she is shocked that he is shocked. They then shock the monkey. Shane says the questions were stupid, but Courtney says they were hurtful and she doesn’t want to be there anymore. In confessional Shane tells us Courtney takes stuff too personally.
Meanwhile, Bruce is feeling even worse than he had and decides to lie down. Shane begins to get concerned.
We quickly jump to the reward, where Aras, Danielle, and Cirie have stuffed themselves. They are busy discussing Shane and Courtney, and Danielle remarks that Courtney has a crush on Shane.
Why do I have no trouble envisioning Courtney moving from one psychotic boyfriend to the next in a never-ending quest for the perfect man to hit her and make it feel like love? Cirie offers that she is not going to be well-liked at camp, which prompts Aras to tell her he likes her and Danielle to tell her she loves her. They then strip and proceed with a sexfest that would rival the M-F-F scenes in “Crackers, Whores, and Sistahs Volume III”.
Man, will I feel stupid if that turns out to be an actual movie.
Anyway, the point is that love, or at least an alliance, is in the air.
Back at camp, Bruce’s condition is worsening. Courtney offers to sing to him to help ease his pain. Bruce, despite his pain, counters that he really doesn’t need Courtney to sing, thanks. That doesn’t stop her, and her mangled vocal stylings are enough to force Bruce to ask for the paramedics.
The not-quit boat soon arrives, and an episode of ER breaks out. They assess him, take his vitals, and start an IV. They also make the decision to pull him out of camp. They load him onto a stretcher, then ask Shane to help him carry the stretcher to the boat. Thank God for pixilation! Shane, as is his wont, is running around the camp naked. The magic of television saves us from having to laugh at him. As the boat takes off, Courtney and Shane snipe at each other a little longer, then fall on each other and fuck like rabbits.
Which Courtney will later boil in the camp pot.
So we break for commercial, only eight minutes past the half hour. Burnett is obviously playing with the timing to make this particular show seem more substantial than it is. We come back to a brief cutaway at Exile Island. Terry has finished his landscaping and is putting the finishing touches on the pool area. How he loves his home away from home!
Back at camp, Shane and Courtney start off wondering about Bruce but quickly turn to talking gameplay. Shane tells her he needs her vote, and asks her just to promise it to him instead of obsessing about everything. He adds that if she crosses him, he drive to her apartment in L.A. and kill her. He repeats it for emphasis, then says he was joking and that she shouldn’t take things so seriously.
Uh, Shane? When the guy with the Henry Lee Lucas look to him starts talking about killing you, it’s hard to take as a joke.
Courtney says Shane is obnoxious, he tells her not to be so sensitive, and then they fall on each other again like the Sam-Diane, David-Maddy, Ernie-Bert couple they are. Afterwards, in confessional, Shane says she is the perfect final two opponent.
Uh, Shane? See that guy in the mirror? The guy who looks like you? That’s the perfect final two opponent.
The reward winners return, but no one from camp comes to meet them. Cirie thinks it’s because they are mad, but we all know it’s because Shane and Courtney are fucking again. When they get to the camp area, they find out about Bruce. Courtney then flips some random shit their way about the reward trip.
Aras, in confessional, comments that Shane looks like some wild animal. We see Shane tell Aras that he (Shane) is now going to play the game and everyone else should watch out cause he is going to do what he has to do and he is the best there is and what he does. Sorry. That last part was from Wolverine.
Shane continues ranting to Aras while Danielle and Cirie watch. Danielle makes the most pertinent comment of all. She asks if Shane ever played sports, offering that if you do you realize you win some and you lose some and if you lose, you get over it. I’m sure Shane was too busy in high school writing manifestos and visiting gun shows to ever play sports.
Eventually Cirie talks with Shane in an attempt to heal the problems. She swears she is staying with him in the game and that he has nothing to worry about with her votes. This talk finally appears to appease him, though he tells us in confessional it was all a plan to take control of Aras and Cirie so he can win the game. Wait? Isn’t this the same Shane who was surprised when he was voted person most likely to incorrectly believe they had control of the game?
Another commercial break, the second of the half hour. The timing is definitely off. We come back and Courtney is again violating Bruce’s zen garden, this time in tribute to him. Not to be outdone, Danielle tells us that Bruce was her father figure and that she put her tiny hand in his. Oh yes. She will be the one who loves him until the end of time.
The not-quit boat comes back, this time with Terry and Probst. For some reason, the fact that Terry is riding with Probst seems to bother Cirie and several others. As they get off the boat, someone asks if Terry knows about Bruce. He says he hasn’t heard anything, and Probst says he will tell them all what is going on back at camp.
Everyone sits and Probst fills Terry in on what happened. He then gives the update, saying that Bruce’s whole digestive system was blocked. Bruce will be okay, but he will not return to the game.
He then tells them there will be no immunity challenge, no tribal council, and they have the afternoon off. He mentions he is going to use the time to “pork Julie.” In confessional, Terry offers that Bruce was a warrior, bang bang he was a warrior. Terry says no one else could have stayed as long as Bruce did with the pain he had, though if you think about it, if Bruce hadn’t waited so long to ask for medical attention, maybe he could have been treated and returned to the game. Points to ponder. We fade out on a shot of the rock garden.
While we get a family shot, we don’t get any parting comments. Rather, we get a film clip of Bruce highlights to that “Had a bad day” song from Idol. And with that, we fade into the lights of Vegas.
On the next Survivor, Shane takes a trip to Cloud Cuckoo Land, complete with funny music from the editors. Jeff reaches into his pocket at the challenge, perhaps to compare dick sizes with Shane. And Cirie faces a monster, which appears to be a fish about the size of a envelope.
Oh, and because I can:
¶ 3:32 PM 3 Comments
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Survivor Panama: Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine
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Show Us Your Nuts! by ilse
Previously, on The Terry Show...Terry tricks Shane into revealing the Final Four pecking order: Shane, Aras, Cirie, and Courtney, leaving Danielle and Bruce on the outside looking in. Terry follows up with, "Hey, did you know that 'gullible' isn’t in the dictionary?" Terry and Austin make plays to get first Bruce to switch teams, then Danielle, actually offering her the Troll Doll Immunity Idol. However, even though they recognize that switching teams would move them each up a notch, and that it would change the game up completely, they'd rather take their chances with the evil they know than the evil they don't. The numbers are 6-3, and Austin, one of the three, becomes Jury Member #1. This despite the fact that the two obvious choices of the three (Terry and Austin) could have had immunity, between Terry’s Troll Doll and the Immunity Chest Protector. Had they done this, Aras would have gone home. But Terry chose to keep both, just to be extra careful. Terry is a student of the Glennie School of Emergency Preparedness.
But now it's Day 22 on Bad Joke Beach. Terry is regaling tribe members around the campfire with tales of military training and bravado. He is an actual Top Gun pilot. Wonder if he participated in the homoerotic volleyball games? His profile says he was a catcher, so that probably answers that.
Courtney, Danielle, and Cirie are in the shelter, within earshot of the campfire. They anguish about him being The Amazing Terry and that no one's going to be able to beat him in challenges. "Maybe we can break his arm or something," Cirie suggests. Shouldn't be too hard to grab it while he's patting himself on the back.
Back at the campfire, Terry asks, "So, at what point do you guys just give up and realize that I'm gonna kick all y'alls' asses?"
"That's not part of the plan, Terry," Shane and Aras scoff. "And we all know that everything on Survivor goes as planned. Just ask Jamie."
Terry, in confessional: I rule this game. It's a shame that someone else had to go, but Austin isn't Me. I'm Me, the only Me. Those people I tried to persuade to vote with Me and didn’t are just...stupid. This game is all about ME! Did you know I'm a graduate of the Naval Academy? I'm also a DICK!
Danielle, still complaining to the Gitano Girls, says she wishes Terry and Sally were gone. Which makes total sense. Why wouldn't you want your two obvious boots to go so that your tribe could begin cannibalizing you?
She rifles through Terry's bag, looking for the idol. It's not there, which fuels speculation that he does not, in fact, have it.
Danielle, in confessional: Terry showed me what looked like a Troll Doll, but geez, that could be anything. How do I know that was the Troll Doll, and not something he made up to look like a Troll Doll? I just can't be sure. I'm nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt me.
Pop quiz: What's the difference between Danielle and a walrus?
One of them has gigantic teeth and smells of fish, and the other one's a walrus.
Aras breaks up the coffee klatch by reassuring them that The Amazing Terry, while he is amazing, is not an American Gladiator and he will fail to get immunity one day. Additionally, Aras asks to be sent to Exile Island the next time someone's eligible to go, because he hasn't been, and wants to see if Terry's telling the truth about the Troll Doll.
Aras, in confessional: Sure, we want to know if T-Dog's got the Troll Doll, but mostly, I want it for myself. See, it took me this long, but I've figured out that my head's on the chopping block.
Here I thought yoga was supposed to improve circulation to the brain. I've seen more intellectual prowess in a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
And it's time for the reward challenge. The teams arrive and are greeted by two huge bamboo structures. But first, Jiffy decides to show them what they're playing for...videos from home! They each get a little taste before the challenge, with a promise of the whole video if they win. Sean starts sobbing before they even get to the TV lounge area.
Terry's first. He has the whole American Dream thing going: House, wife, two kids (one boy, one girl), family dog. His daughter fills the screen and, on the brink of tears, she talks about how much she misses him, and how she hopes he's winning, and how she's sad that they can't play "monster in the closet" at night when Mommy's passed out early. Everyone thinks that Little Twee Girl is adorable.
Then Danielle's family, who tell her they're prouder of her now than when she figured out her AM radio would play at night.
Then Bruce gets to see his wife, and two dogs...no, wait, one dog and one daughter. He and his wife have been married for 28 years, which means she hasn’t had to make the guest room bed since he left for the island.
Courtney’s mom is next. She tells her daughter that she’s got the scented candles going, the luck stones going, the tea leaves going, the voodoo dolls going...she looks normal enough, but man. Something tells me that somewhere along the line, the going got weird and Courtney went pro.
Aras’ dad is center stage on the next video. He is shown riding a bike around their back yard, and then going into a giant teepee, also in their back yard. “What’s with the teepee?” Jiffy asks. “He always wanted one,” Aras replies, as if this were the most mundane thing in the world and requires no further explanation. Aras attended a special school for the Differently Clued.
It’s Shane’s turn. He’s sobbing into his knee. I haven’t seen someone cry like that since Paris Hilton was turned down for the role of Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker because she kept forgetting her lines. We see his son, Boston Powers, and Shane better be putting money away now for his therapy, ‘cuz this kid’s going to have more issues than National Geographic. I’m still amazed that Shane found someone who would voluntarily procreate with him. This guy should be the poster boy for birth control, ferchrissake.
“We grew up together,” Shane explains. “He’s my other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend...he’s my life.” That’s just...sad. Seriously. Dude, you’re allegedly a grown-up. Get your own damn friends, and let your son have his. Yes, you were young when you knocked up some poor self-loathing humanoid female (suppressing the feminist urge to throw things at him for saying “when I had him”), and yes, you have the emotional maturity of a room full of 6th graders, and the mental agility of a soap dish, but that doesn’t mean you grew up together. Unless your son calls his grandmother “Mom,” which would, actually, explain a lot.
Sally gets her family video next, which is about as entertaining as watching potatoes bake. Even Jiffy is speechless. “Well, that was...they’re just...hey, look at the time.”
Cirie is last. Her video shows her husband and two sons. “We miss you, Moms!” one of her kids says. “Yeah, honeybunny,” her husband says. “We miss your laugh, your smile.” She is touched. “We’ve stayed together through thick and...well, mostly through thick. But he says I don’t sweat much, for a fat girl.”
And now, it’s time for the challenge: the winning team will get their whole videos and a big plate of...PB&Js with milk. So winning a challenge on Survivor is akin to losing a challenge on Big Brother. I’m so confused.
The challenge is one of the strangest I’ve ever seen. The two bamboo structures we saw are for the two teams of four each. One member lies on their stomach on a sort of a cradle-sling attached to three ropes which run through the center of the structure and out of the top, then down to the ground around the edge of the structure, each rope held by one of the other three team members. Using the ropes, they must maneuver the person on the sling around the edges of the bamboo pagoda, picking up 15 flags from various spots and placing them in order on one side of the structure. I think I’ve seen something like this before, but it involved vinyl clothing, 9 midgets, and Thousand Island dressing.
At the end of this stupid, bizarre challenge, Courtney, Terry, Bruce, and Sally choose Aras to go to Exile Island, and skip off to eat their sandwiches and milk. It appears that the crusts are not cut off, nor are the sandwiches cut into triangles, and it’s not even chocolate milk. Why bother?
Shane, Cirie, and Danielle trudge back to camp, Shane talking the whole time about how it was a sucky reward anyway. Thanks, Sobby McSobberton. Would you care for a tissue, or does it bother you to lose precious IQ points every time you blow your nose?
No sooner do they get back to camp than Shane confronts Cirie. “I have a problem with my penis,” he says.
She snorts. “It happens to every guy. It’s not a big deal.”
“No, no, something weird’s going on with it, I need you to look at it.” He goes behind the shelter, expecting Cirie to follow him, and drops trou. Danielle, recognizing the sound of her people’s mating call, begins heading around the shelter herself before Cirie slaps her unconscious. “Stupid white girl with tits like granite and a brain like Bleu Cheese,” she mumbles, stepping over the body.
Cirie, horrified, is drawn to help Shane in her capacity as a nurse (she wanted to be a pharmacist, but couldn’t figure out how to get the little bottles in the typewriter). Never has she been so pleased with her career choice.
“Don’t laugh,” he says.
These pictures pretty much tell the story:
Thank God for pixilation, is all I can say.
“Wow. You must drive a Lamborghini,” she comments.
Cirie, in confessional: I couldn’t believe I had to do that. But it did make me laugh, and made me forget what I was missing. Although I have the strangest craving for cocktail weenies.
She diagnoses him with diaper rash and recommends that he “air out the area.” For the second time in Survivor history, someone with a Y chromosome fashions for himself a skirt. Please G-d, let it be the last time...unless Season 13 is the all-drag queen edition. Wouldn’t that be kick-ass?
Speaking of which, Aras is chopping coconuts on Exile Island and looking for the Troll Doll. He “can’t wrap [his] mind around these clues.” But then, he has a mind like wet tennis shoes; it makes squishy noises when running. Oh, yeah, and he also can’t find it because Terry found it days ago.
Aras, in confessional: Maybe Terry didn’t have a problem with sending me here because he’s already got the Troll Doll. If that’s true, then I should clearly stop wasting energy looking for it. But if it’s not true, then he sent me here to make me think that he already has the Troll Doll, and I should clearly look for it harder. But then if that’s true, then clearly I don’t have to look for it, because if he doesn’t have it, we can safely vote him out. But then...
Anybody else smell burning hair?
Meanwhile, back at the tribal beach, the reward challenge winners are disembarking from the Not-A-Quit-Boat.
Danielle is having a little case of Greeneyes.
Danielle, in confessional: I hate these people. I don’t want to hear about their videos, or how full they are, or how great the reward was. I wanted the peanut butter sandwiches, though. I haven’t had anything sticking to the roof of my mouth since I’ve been here.
As the reward challenge winners tromp up the beach, we notice that they’re carrying new things with them; part of the reward was getting to have their luxury items to take with them, which was not mentioned at all prior to the challenge. Bruce brought his sketchbook, because they wouldn’t let him bring his bonsai tree; Sally brought a journal in which to record her thoughts, so we are sure it will remain pristine throughout the game; Terry brought an American flag, because he thinks he’s the 51st star, and immediately ties it to the top of the shelter, which I’m pretty sure isn’t protocol for flag display; and Courtney brought her Fire Dancer fire toys because she’s such a damn workaholic. When she isn’t coming her hair with an eggbeater, that is.
Shane: Do we get to have luxury items, too?
Let’s see, hmmm...did you WIN the challenge? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t. You’ll get nothing and like it. Jesus H. Christ, this guy doesn’t have the sense that G-d gave an animal cracker.
Cirie, in confessional: It’s hard when you’re the loser.
I love when they just HAND me quotes like that.
I gotta admit, watching Courtney do all these rhythmic gymnastic moves with the long spinny nun-chuck things is pretty impressive. Although I’m pretty sure that while she was learning, she hit herself in the head plenty of times...which, again, would explain a lot.
After the commercial break, we are told it’s now day 24, so we skipped day 23 completely.
Top 10 things that happened on Day 23 that did not make it to air:
10. They all took a long walk on the beach at sunset and looked dreamily into each others’ eyes
9. Three words: Giant Sand Castle
8. Foraged from the hidden McNugget Bush
7. Built a radio out of coconuts and strands of creeper
6. Performed dramatic readings of “The Pet Goat”
5. Speculated on the location of Survivor 29 (the consensus was “Panama, for the 17th time”)
4. Unearthed the bones of Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa, then reburied them, since no one knew who they were
3. Were approached by Jehovah’s Witnesses...issues of “The Watchtower” voted best toilet paper ever
2. Debated the eternal question: who would win a cage match between Tinky Winky and Barney?
1. Dodgeball!
The Amazing Terry tells Sally that it’s up to her to convince two people to flop AND for either she or Terry to win Immunity. No pressure. The body language here is interesting: Terry’s standing, with hands on hips; Sally is crouching on a stump, playing with her hair. Any question about who’s calling the shots?
I’ve heard some people compare Terry to Tom. Having thought a lot about this, I have to disagree. While both were regarded by their tribemates as Glorious He-Men, they reacted to this very differently. Tom was very “aw, shucks, not me” about it; Terry’s reaction is more one of “Yes. And?” Tom tried to fly under the radar; Terry is very in-your-face about his intentions. Tom used emotional manipulation to get people to do what he wanted them to do, and they’d do it, and find a way to crush glass into their own forehead while they were at it; Terry just says, “this is what I want you to do” and people find themselves thinking it’s a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, they’re both despicable hypocrites, but at least Terry’s moderately up front about it.
Sally, in confessional: Terry may decide to play the Troll Doll, or he may not, whether or not one of us wins Immunity. I acknowledge that I have no power in this game whatsoever and have completely sublimated my will to The Amazing Terry. He is better than Cats. I will watch him again and again.
Shane, to Terry: You know, if you don’t win Immunity today, and you DON’T have that stupid Troll Doll, you are SO done.
Terry, to Shane: You moron. You just guaranteed that I’ll win.
The camera cuts to an underwater shot of a skull. No foreshadowing there, I’m sure.
I miss tree-mail, so here you go:
It’s time for a change-up
The pecking order’s revealed
Who’s all good, who’s fucked
Will be made plain by a meal
You’ll all have a choice:
A nut or a shell
With the nut you will feast;
or to compete you’re compelled
It’s 6 folks to 2 now
And what does that mean?
All’s going as planned, so
Praise the Lord and pass the beans!
Aras returns from Exile Island, refreshed and renewed, as anyone would be after finally getting a chance to masturbate in peace for the first time in 23 days.
As the clue says, each tribe member is given a nut to put in one hand, and a shell in the other – you may remember this from Survivor: Defacing the Mayan Ruins. On the count of three, the players reveal the contents of one hand or the other, indicating their choice: The shell indicates that they will compete in the challenge, and the nut indicates that they don’t give a shiny shit about the Troll Doll they’ve been obsessed with during the entire show, and by Odin’s beard, they’re going to eat, which they are only allowed to do while the challenge is going on.
The only ones not showing their nuts are Terry (DUH), Sally (DUH), and Aras. This means that it is up to Aras, and only Aras, to make sure that one of the two remaining folks from the other tribe – one of whom very, very likely has the Troll Doll – does not win Immunity. If I were Aras, I’d be pissed.
The challenge is to run out about 50 yards into the water, dive under, and memorize a sequence of 7 submerged pictures. They must then run back to the beach, and, from 7 triangular blocks with different pictures on each side, reproduce the sequence. That’s it.
Jiffy shouts GO and the three competing dash for the water. The other 5 dash for the picnic table nearby, laden with giant cheeseburgers with all the fixin’s , potato wedges, pickles, and soft drinks. They gorge themselves on the feast like a smoker inhales a cigarette after a 10-hour flight. Jiffy, annoyingly, narrates both the challenge portion and the gorging portion in standard “Name, gerund phrase!” fashion. I’d really hate to hear him narrate a porno.
Terry’s back first, followed closely by Aras, then Sally. Aras calls Jiffy over to check his blocks, but he doesn’t have the sequence right. He runs back into the water for a second look. Meanwhile, Terry motions that he thinks he’s got it. The camera cuts to the table, where we can see Courtney saying, “No, oh no, no no no!” Or that’s what she would say if her mouth weren’t crammed with food. Instead it comes out, “Mph mrph muh muh muh!” My autistic 5-year-old enunciates better than that.
But, like most times that Courtney has her mouth full, someone else is satisfied: Terry pumps his fist as he is declared the Immunity winner for the third straight time. The Overeaters Anonymous members shove in one last overflowing mouthful, and the challenge is over.
Back at camp, The Sinister Six decide that Sally’s going home, and thank Aras for actually showing up for the challenge.
Aras, to the other five: Fucking DUH, people. Why not just HAND them the Immunity Chest Protector? Why not just vote me off right the fuck now?
Terry shows Bruce the Troll Doll, which, it seems, has magical properties to make people doubt that they saw anything at all. Sally talks with the other Gitano Girls to try to convince them that two of them should vote with her and Terry, creating a 4-4 tie, and then the Troll Doll would be played.
Courtney corners Terry near the water well and point-blank asks him if they’re playing the Troll Doll tonight. “I’m not even saying I have it,” he says, having shown it to Bruce not 15 seconds of footage before.
Courtney, in confessional: I’d really like to align with Terry, because I really want to go up against him in the final two.
Thanks, Katie, and good luck with that. Next!
The Survivors trek into the Tribal Council set, but not before being treated to a Fire Dancing performance by Courtney. Fun factoid: Did you know that Fire Dancers can get insurance through Clowns of the US?
The look on Danielle's face as everyone is mesmerized by Courtney's balletic moves is priceless. Mostly loathing, with overtones of "I could do that if I wanted to," and just a tinge of "Why are they looking at HER? I got my damn tits done so people would look at ME!"
The players take their stumps, Jiffy brings in Jury Member #1, Austin.
Jiffy: Shane, you're an asshole. Reinforce that for us, would you?
Shane: I can't believe I ate the whole thing. I mean, I feel a little bad, like maybe I should have competed in the challenge and thought of my team before my tummy, but then I realized I'm far too selfish for that. And really, when things come to things, screw you guys.
Jiffy: Thanks, totally showed off that 10K bandwidth brain of yours. Sally, you're nearly invisible behind that target, how's that feel?
Sally: Sucks. Wish I could be like Shane over there, sitting pretty. But maybe not quite so much an asshole.
Jiffy: Aras, why don't you talk about why Shane's an asshole?
Aras: The strategy was to get the necklace away from Terry so we could vote him off. Everyone, but particularly Shane, blew that off the minute 8 pounds of dead ground cow appeared, leaving me eating their dust. And I'm pissed off because if Terry was going to win anyway, I could have eaten some damn food, too. Sally, when you're finished with that target, can I have it?
Jiffy: Shane, talk about Terry until he interrupts you.
Shane: The man's a 47-year-old beast. But there's no way that he can win 6 in a row, and I know for absolutely certain that nothing can possibly happen between now and the final four that could change that.
Terry: But that's just what I'm going to do. The sooner you guys realize that I'm Me, The Amazing Terry, the better off you'll be. And I don't care if I have six Troll Dolls in my pocket, I'm not going to be one of these limp little pussyboys and avoid competing.
Danielle: God, Terry, you're such a dick.
Jiffy: Danielle, why is Terry a dick? Keeping in mind, of course, that you're a two-faced, self-aggrandizing bitch.
Danielle: He's cocky and thinks he controls the game just because he does and he doesn't make any bones about it.
Jiffy: Have you actually attended the last few tribal councils, or did your mother ship take you home? You guys are at least as bad as he is. You're just frustrated because you can't beat him.
Danielle: So what's your point?
Jiffy: I'll show you later; Julie's on the rag. Cirie, what's the deal with the Immunity Idol?
Cirie: What, are you on drugs? Terry's showed that thing to so many people he ought to be charging admission. Or, at least, I think he has. It's all sort of vague.
Jiffy: Courtney, when you go to a mind-reader, do they charge you half-price?
Courtney: No, they usually ask to do my palms instead – they can see that I've got palms.
Time to vote! Terry doesn't give up the Chest Protector. Jiffy reminds everyone that Terry has the Troll Doll, except he doesn't, sort of maybe.
The votes are drawn out of the Coconut Ice Bucket: Sally, Sally, Aras, Aras, Sally, Sally, Sally. There is a brief moment of tension as we wait for her to reveal the Troll Doll...but she doesn't. Aras looks like he might need a cigarette and a change of underwear. Sally's torch is snuffed and she makes her way out.
Jiffy: Terry escapes the vote again by his double-super-secret protection. You guys are putting way more Easter eggs in Terry's basket than logic would dictate. And remember: Terry's a dick, and Shane's an asshole, and as we all know, dicks fuck assholes. Get out of my sight and don't come back until Courtney's discovered that even A-cup breasts can sag.
Sally, in confessional: I had a great time. I'm even glad that Terry didn't give me the Troll Doll. It really is for the best that he keep it. I can't wait to vote for him in the final two!
Next time, on Survivor: Bruce has menstrual cramps, and paranoia sets in as they realize that Someone Who Is Not Terry will be going home.
But then, if you kept the TV on CBS, the first commercial break for CSI: Duluth showed a promo involving some sort of medical emergency that required evacuation from the island. My bet's on one of them tripping over a cordless phone.
As always, thanks for reading. ¶ 12:28 AM 4 Comments
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Show Us Your Nuts! by ilse
Previously, on The Terry Show...Terry tricks Shane into revealing the Final Four pecking order: Shane, Aras, Cirie, and Courtney, leaving Danielle and Bruce on the outside looking in. Terry follows up with, "Hey, did you know that 'gullible' isn’t in the dictionary?" Terry and Austin make plays to get first Bruce to switch teams, then Danielle, actually offering her the Troll Doll Immunity Idol. However, even though they recognize that switching teams would move them each up a notch, and that it would change the game up completely, they'd rather take their chances with the evil they know than the evil they don't. The numbers are 6-3, and Austin, one of the three, becomes Jury Member #1. This despite the fact that the two obvious choices of the three (Terry and Austin) could have had immunity, between Terry’s Troll Doll and the Immunity Chest Protector. Had they done this, Aras would have gone home. But Terry chose to keep both, just to be extra careful. Terry is a student of the Glennie School of Emergency Preparedness.
But now it's Day 22 on Bad Joke Beach. Terry is regaling tribe members around the campfire with tales of military training and bravado. He is an actual Top Gun pilot. Wonder if he participated in the homoerotic volleyball games? His profile says he was a catcher, so that probably answers that.
Courtney, Danielle, and Cirie are in the shelter, within earshot of the campfire. They anguish about him being The Amazing Terry and that no one's going to be able to beat him in challenges. "Maybe we can break his arm or something," Cirie suggests. Shouldn't be too hard to grab it while he's patting himself on the back.
Back at the campfire, Terry asks, "So, at what point do you guys just give up and realize that I'm gonna kick all y'alls' asses?"
"That's not part of the plan, Terry," Shane and Aras scoff. "And we all know that everything on Survivor goes as planned. Just ask Jamie."
Terry, in confessional: I rule this game. It's a shame that someone else had to go, but Austin isn't Me. I'm Me, the only Me. Those people I tried to persuade to vote with Me and didn’t are just...stupid. This game is all about ME! Did you know I'm a graduate of the Naval Academy? I'm also a DICK!
Danielle, still complaining to the Gitano Girls, says she wishes Terry and Sally were gone. Which makes total sense. Why wouldn't you want your two obvious boots to go so that your tribe could begin cannibalizing you?
She rifles through Terry's bag, looking for the idol. It's not there, which fuels speculation that he does not, in fact, have it.
Danielle, in confessional: Terry showed me what looked like a Troll Doll, but geez, that could be anything. How do I know that was the Troll Doll, and not something he made up to look like a Troll Doll? I just can't be sure. I'm nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt me.
Pop quiz: What's the difference between Danielle and a walrus?
One of them has gigantic teeth and smells of fish, and the other one's a walrus.
Aras breaks up the coffee klatch by reassuring them that The Amazing Terry, while he is amazing, is not an American Gladiator and he will fail to get immunity one day. Additionally, Aras asks to be sent to Exile Island the next time someone's eligible to go, because he hasn't been, and wants to see if Terry's telling the truth about the Troll Doll.
Aras, in confessional: Sure, we want to know if T-Dog's got the Troll Doll, but mostly, I want it for myself. See, it took me this long, but I've figured out that my head's on the chopping block.
Here I thought yoga was supposed to improve circulation to the brain. I've seen more intellectual prowess in a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
And it's time for the reward challenge. The teams arrive and are greeted by two huge bamboo structures. But first, Jiffy decides to show them what they're playing for...videos from home! They each get a little taste before the challenge, with a promise of the whole video if they win. Sean starts sobbing before they even get to the TV lounge area.
Terry's first. He has the whole American Dream thing going: House, wife, two kids (one boy, one girl), family dog. His daughter fills the screen and, on the brink of tears, she talks about how much she misses him, and how she hopes he's winning, and how she's sad that they can't play "monster in the closet" at night when Mommy's passed out early. Everyone thinks that Little Twee Girl is adorable.
Then Danielle's family, who tell her they're prouder of her now than when she figured out her AM radio would play at night.
Then Bruce gets to see his wife, and two dogs...no, wait, one dog and one daughter. He and his wife have been married for 28 years, which means she hasn’t had to make the guest room bed since he left for the island.
Courtney’s mom is next. She tells her daughter that she’s got the scented candles going, the luck stones going, the tea leaves going, the voodoo dolls going...she looks normal enough, but man. Something tells me that somewhere along the line, the going got weird and Courtney went pro.
Aras’ dad is center stage on the next video. He is shown riding a bike around their back yard, and then going into a giant teepee, also in their back yard. “What’s with the teepee?” Jiffy asks. “He always wanted one,” Aras replies, as if this were the most mundane thing in the world and requires no further explanation. Aras attended a special school for the Differently Clued.
It’s Shane’s turn. He’s sobbing into his knee. I haven’t seen someone cry like that since Paris Hilton was turned down for the role of Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker because she kept forgetting her lines. We see his son, Boston Powers, and Shane better be putting money away now for his therapy, ‘cuz this kid’s going to have more issues than National Geographic. I’m still amazed that Shane found someone who would voluntarily procreate with him. This guy should be the poster boy for birth control, ferchrissake.
“We grew up together,” Shane explains. “He’s my other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend...he’s my life.” That’s just...sad. Seriously. Dude, you’re allegedly a grown-up. Get your own damn friends, and let your son have his. Yes, you were young when you knocked up some poor self-loathing humanoid female (suppressing the feminist urge to throw things at him for saying “when I had him”), and yes, you have the emotional maturity of a room full of 6th graders, and the mental agility of a soap dish, but that doesn’t mean you grew up together. Unless your son calls his grandmother “Mom,” which would, actually, explain a lot.
Sally gets her family video next, which is about as entertaining as watching potatoes bake. Even Jiffy is speechless. “Well, that was...they’re just...hey, look at the time.”
Cirie is last. Her video shows her husband and two sons. “We miss you, Moms!” one of her kids says. “Yeah, honeybunny,” her husband says. “We miss your laugh, your smile.” She is touched. “We’ve stayed together through thick and...well, mostly through thick. But he says I don’t sweat much, for a fat girl.”
And now, it’s time for the challenge: the winning team will get their whole videos and a big plate of...PB&Js with milk. So winning a challenge on Survivor is akin to losing a challenge on Big Brother. I’m so confused.
The challenge is one of the strangest I’ve ever seen. The two bamboo structures we saw are for the two teams of four each. One member lies on their stomach on a sort of a cradle-sling attached to three ropes which run through the center of the structure and out of the top, then down to the ground around the edge of the structure, each rope held by one of the other three team members. Using the ropes, they must maneuver the person on the sling around the edges of the bamboo pagoda, picking up 15 flags from various spots and placing them in order on one side of the structure. I think I’ve seen something like this before, but it involved vinyl clothing, 9 midgets, and Thousand Island dressing.At the end of this stupid, bizarre challenge, Courtney, Terry, Bruce, and Sally choose Aras to go to Exile Island, and skip off to eat their sandwiches and milk. It appears that the crusts are not cut off, nor are the sandwiches cut into triangles, and it’s not even chocolate milk. Why bother?
Shane, Cirie, and Danielle trudge back to camp, Shane talking the whole time about how it was a sucky reward anyway. Thanks, Sobby McSobberton. Would you care for a tissue, or does it bother you to lose precious IQ points every time you blow your nose?
No sooner do they get back to camp than Shane confronts Cirie. “I have a problem with my penis,” he says.
She snorts. “It happens to every guy. It’s not a big deal.”
“No, no, something weird’s going on with it, I need you to look at it.” He goes behind the shelter, expecting Cirie to follow him, and drops trou. Danielle, recognizing the sound of her people’s mating call, begins heading around the shelter herself before Cirie slaps her unconscious. “Stupid white girl with tits like granite and a brain like Bleu Cheese,” she mumbles, stepping over the body.
Cirie, horrified, is drawn to help Shane in her capacity as a nurse (she wanted to be a pharmacist, but couldn’t figure out how to get the little bottles in the typewriter). Never has she been so pleased with her career choice.
“Don’t laugh,” he says.
These pictures pretty much tell the story:
Thank God for pixilation, is all I can say.
“Wow. You must drive a Lamborghini,” she comments.
Cirie, in confessional: I couldn’t believe I had to do that. But it did make me laugh, and made me forget what I was missing. Although I have the strangest craving for cocktail weenies.
She diagnoses him with diaper rash and recommends that he “air out the area.” For the second time in Survivor history, someone with a Y chromosome fashions for himself a skirt. Please G-d, let it be the last time...unless Season 13 is the all-drag queen edition. Wouldn’t that be kick-ass?
Speaking of which, Aras is chopping coconuts on Exile Island and looking for the Troll Doll. He “can’t wrap [his] mind around these clues.” But then, he has a mind like wet tennis shoes; it makes squishy noises when running. Oh, yeah, and he also can’t find it because Terry found it days ago.
Aras, in confessional: Maybe Terry didn’t have a problem with sending me here because he’s already got the Troll Doll. If that’s true, then I should clearly stop wasting energy looking for it. But if it’s not true, then he sent me here to make me think that he already has the Troll Doll, and I should clearly look for it harder. But then if that’s true, then clearly I don’t have to look for it, because if he doesn’t have it, we can safely vote him out. But then...
Anybody else smell burning hair?
Meanwhile, back at the tribal beach, the reward challenge winners are disembarking from the Not-A-Quit-Boat.
Danielle is having a little case of Greeneyes.
Danielle, in confessional: I hate these people. I don’t want to hear about their videos, or how full they are, or how great the reward was. I wanted the peanut butter sandwiches, though. I haven’t had anything sticking to the roof of my mouth since I’ve been here.
As the reward challenge winners tromp up the beach, we notice that they’re carrying new things with them; part of the reward was getting to have their luxury items to take with them, which was not mentioned at all prior to the challenge. Bruce brought his sketchbook, because they wouldn’t let him bring his bonsai tree; Sally brought a journal in which to record her thoughts, so we are sure it will remain pristine throughout the game; Terry brought an American flag, because he thinks he’s the 51st star, and immediately ties it to the top of the shelter, which I’m pretty sure isn’t protocol for flag display; and Courtney brought her Fire Dancer fire toys because she’s such a damn workaholic. When she isn’t coming her hair with an eggbeater, that is.
Shane: Do we get to have luxury items, too?
Let’s see, hmmm...did you WIN the challenge? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t. You’ll get nothing and like it. Jesus H. Christ, this guy doesn’t have the sense that G-d gave an animal cracker.
Cirie, in confessional: It’s hard when you’re the loser.
I love when they just HAND me quotes like that.
I gotta admit, watching Courtney do all these rhythmic gymnastic moves with the long spinny nun-chuck things is pretty impressive. Although I’m pretty sure that while she was learning, she hit herself in the head plenty of times...which, again, would explain a lot.
After the commercial break, we are told it’s now day 24, so we skipped day 23 completely.
Top 10 things that happened on Day 23 that did not make it to air:
10. They all took a long walk on the beach at sunset and looked dreamily into each others’ eyes
9. Three words: Giant Sand Castle
8. Foraged from the hidden McNugget Bush
7. Built a radio out of coconuts and strands of creeper
6. Performed dramatic readings of “The Pet Goat”
5. Speculated on the location of Survivor 29 (the consensus was “Panama, for the 17th time”)
4. Unearthed the bones of Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa, then reburied them, since no one knew who they were
3. Were approached by Jehovah’s Witnesses...issues of “The Watchtower” voted best toilet paper ever
2. Debated the eternal question: who would win a cage match between Tinky Winky and Barney?
1. Dodgeball!
The Amazing Terry tells Sally that it’s up to her to convince two people to flop AND for either she or Terry to win Immunity. No pressure. The body language here is interesting: Terry’s standing, with hands on hips; Sally is crouching on a stump, playing with her hair. Any question about who’s calling the shots?
I’ve heard some people compare Terry to Tom. Having thought a lot about this, I have to disagree. While both were regarded by their tribemates as Glorious He-Men, they reacted to this very differently. Tom was very “aw, shucks, not me” about it; Terry’s reaction is more one of “Yes. And?” Tom tried to fly under the radar; Terry is very in-your-face about his intentions. Tom used emotional manipulation to get people to do what he wanted them to do, and they’d do it, and find a way to crush glass into their own forehead while they were at it; Terry just says, “this is what I want you to do” and people find themselves thinking it’s a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, they’re both despicable hypocrites, but at least Terry’s moderately up front about it.
Sally, in confessional: Terry may decide to play the Troll Doll, or he may not, whether or not one of us wins Immunity. I acknowledge that I have no power in this game whatsoever and have completely sublimated my will to The Amazing Terry. He is better than Cats. I will watch him again and again.
Shane, to Terry: You know, if you don’t win Immunity today, and you DON’T have that stupid Troll Doll, you are SO done.
Terry, to Shane: You moron. You just guaranteed that I’ll win.
The camera cuts to an underwater shot of a skull. No foreshadowing there, I’m sure.
I miss tree-mail, so here you go:
It’s time for a change-up
The pecking order’s revealed
Who’s all good, who’s fucked
Will be made plain by a meal
You’ll all have a choice:
A nut or a shell
With the nut you will feast;
or to compete you’re compelled
It’s 6 folks to 2 now
And what does that mean?
All’s going as planned, so
Praise the Lord and pass the beans!
Aras returns from Exile Island, refreshed and renewed, as anyone would be after finally getting a chance to masturbate in peace for the first time in 23 days.
As the clue says, each tribe member is given a nut to put in one hand, and a shell in the other – you may remember this from Survivor: Defacing the Mayan Ruins. On the count of three, the players reveal the contents of one hand or the other, indicating their choice: The shell indicates that they will compete in the challenge, and the nut indicates that they don’t give a shiny shit about the Troll Doll they’ve been obsessed with during the entire show, and by Odin’s beard, they’re going to eat, which they are only allowed to do while the challenge is going on.
The only ones not showing their nuts are Terry (DUH), Sally (DUH), and Aras. This means that it is up to Aras, and only Aras, to make sure that one of the two remaining folks from the other tribe – one of whom very, very likely has the Troll Doll – does not win Immunity. If I were Aras, I’d be pissed.
The challenge is to run out about 50 yards into the water, dive under, and memorize a sequence of 7 submerged pictures. They must then run back to the beach, and, from 7 triangular blocks with different pictures on each side, reproduce the sequence. That’s it.
Jiffy shouts GO and the three competing dash for the water. The other 5 dash for the picnic table nearby, laden with giant cheeseburgers with all the fixin’s , potato wedges, pickles, and soft drinks. They gorge themselves on the feast like a smoker inhales a cigarette after a 10-hour flight. Jiffy, annoyingly, narrates both the challenge portion and the gorging portion in standard “Name, gerund phrase!” fashion. I’d really hate to hear him narrate a porno.
Terry’s back first, followed closely by Aras, then Sally. Aras calls Jiffy over to check his blocks, but he doesn’t have the sequence right. He runs back into the water for a second look. Meanwhile, Terry motions that he thinks he’s got it. The camera cuts to the table, where we can see Courtney saying, “No, oh no, no no no!” Or that’s what she would say if her mouth weren’t crammed with food. Instead it comes out, “Mph mrph muh muh muh!” My autistic 5-year-old enunciates better than that.
But, like most times that Courtney has her mouth full, someone else is satisfied: Terry pumps his fist as he is declared the Immunity winner for the third straight time. The Overeaters Anonymous members shove in one last overflowing mouthful, and the challenge is over.
Back at camp, The Sinister Six decide that Sally’s going home, and thank Aras for actually showing up for the challenge.
Aras, to the other five: Fucking DUH, people. Why not just HAND them the Immunity Chest Protector? Why not just vote me off right the fuck now?
Terry shows Bruce the Troll Doll, which, it seems, has magical properties to make people doubt that they saw anything at all. Sally talks with the other Gitano Girls to try to convince them that two of them should vote with her and Terry, creating a 4-4 tie, and then the Troll Doll would be played.
Courtney corners Terry near the water well and point-blank asks him if they’re playing the Troll Doll tonight. “I’m not even saying I have it,” he says, having shown it to Bruce not 15 seconds of footage before.
Courtney, in confessional: I’d really like to align with Terry, because I really want to go up against him in the final two.
Thanks, Katie, and good luck with that. Next!
The Survivors trek into the Tribal Council set, but not before being treated to a Fire Dancing performance by Courtney. Fun factoid: Did you know that Fire Dancers can get insurance through Clowns of the US?
The look on Danielle's face as everyone is mesmerized by Courtney's balletic moves is priceless. Mostly loathing, with overtones of "I could do that if I wanted to," and just a tinge of "Why are they looking at HER? I got my damn tits done so people would look at ME!"
The players take their stumps, Jiffy brings in Jury Member #1, Austin.
Jiffy: Shane, you're an asshole. Reinforce that for us, would you?
Shane: I can't believe I ate the whole thing. I mean, I feel a little bad, like maybe I should have competed in the challenge and thought of my team before my tummy, but then I realized I'm far too selfish for that. And really, when things come to things, screw you guys.
Jiffy: Thanks, totally showed off that 10K bandwidth brain of yours. Sally, you're nearly invisible behind that target, how's that feel?
Sally: Sucks. Wish I could be like Shane over there, sitting pretty. But maybe not quite so much an asshole.
Jiffy: Aras, why don't you talk about why Shane's an asshole?
Aras: The strategy was to get the necklace away from Terry so we could vote him off. Everyone, but particularly Shane, blew that off the minute 8 pounds of dead ground cow appeared, leaving me eating their dust. And I'm pissed off because if Terry was going to win anyway, I could have eaten some damn food, too. Sally, when you're finished with that target, can I have it?
Jiffy: Shane, talk about Terry until he interrupts you.
Shane: The man's a 47-year-old beast. But there's no way that he can win 6 in a row, and I know for absolutely certain that nothing can possibly happen between now and the final four that could change that.
Terry: But that's just what I'm going to do. The sooner you guys realize that I'm Me, The Amazing Terry, the better off you'll be. And I don't care if I have six Troll Dolls in my pocket, I'm not going to be one of these limp little pussyboys and avoid competing.
Danielle: God, Terry, you're such a dick.
Jiffy: Danielle, why is Terry a dick? Keeping in mind, of course, that you're a two-faced, self-aggrandizing bitch.
Danielle: He's cocky and thinks he controls the game just because he does and he doesn't make any bones about it.
Jiffy: Have you actually attended the last few tribal councils, or did your mother ship take you home? You guys are at least as bad as he is. You're just frustrated because you can't beat him.
Danielle: So what's your point?
Jiffy: I'll show you later; Julie's on the rag. Cirie, what's the deal with the Immunity Idol?
Cirie: What, are you on drugs? Terry's showed that thing to so many people he ought to be charging admission. Or, at least, I think he has. It's all sort of vague.
Jiffy: Courtney, when you go to a mind-reader, do they charge you half-price?
Courtney: No, they usually ask to do my palms instead – they can see that I've got palms.
Time to vote! Terry doesn't give up the Chest Protector. Jiffy reminds everyone that Terry has the Troll Doll, except he doesn't, sort of maybe.
The votes are drawn out of the Coconut Ice Bucket: Sally, Sally, Aras, Aras, Sally, Sally, Sally. There is a brief moment of tension as we wait for her to reveal the Troll Doll...but she doesn't. Aras looks like he might need a cigarette and a change of underwear. Sally's torch is snuffed and she makes her way out.
Jiffy: Terry escapes the vote again by his double-super-secret protection. You guys are putting way more Easter eggs in Terry's basket than logic would dictate. And remember: Terry's a dick, and Shane's an asshole, and as we all know, dicks fuck assholes. Get out of my sight and don't come back until Courtney's discovered that even A-cup breasts can sag.
Sally, in confessional: I had a great time. I'm even glad that Terry didn't give me the Troll Doll. It really is for the best that he keep it. I can't wait to vote for him in the final two!
Next time, on Survivor: Bruce has menstrual cramps, and paranoia sets in as they realize that Someone Who Is Not Terry will be going home.
But then, if you kept the TV on CBS, the first commercial break for CSI: Duluth showed a promo involving some sort of medical emergency that required evacuation from the island. My bet's on one of them tripping over a cordless phone.
As always, thanks for reading. ¶ 12:28 AM 4 Comments
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Survivor Exile Island Episiode 8 - Breakfast in Bed and A little Hairy Head
By Buggy
Last week on Survive This - Fester said everything there was to say about this season.
It was a perfectly right on, nailed it , nailed them, assessment of the game and the players. Deadly accurate , totally funny, and he left nothing but crumbs behind when he was done with them.
Last week on Survivor - The tribes merged . Casaya vowed to pick off the LaMina players one by one. LaMina had a plan to get someone to switch over to their side so they wouldn’t get picked off one by one. Terry won the first individual immunity ( because everyone else quit ) , and made offers to Bruce, Cirie and Shane to let them come along with his "tight four" for a promise of 6th place and a coveted spot on the jury.
Nick got voted out. ( Say it with me people,) " Nick who?"
Nine are left !
Who will be voted out this week?!
(I’m guessing Katie Couric, but lets see how this plays out anyway.)
Gitano Tribe - Day after Nick went
Austin tells Terry he is happy to have been spared the ax at Tribal. I guess he really expected to be voted out, it’s a good thing he didn’t do anything stupid.
Courtney ( The Fire Dancer) in a confessional says that last night at tribal council Austin was a jerk.
Fire Dancer - Austin says that he tanked the challenge! He bragged about it, he acted all weak and stuff, but he is really strong and I’m like all , "Oh MY gosh, we voted off the wrong guy!"
Hey Courtney, think much? What the hell does it matter which one you voted out? Is Austin all that much stronger than Nick? ( Who?) We all know Casaya really wanted to vote off Terry, and if he got immunity you were going after Austin or Nick. What difference did it make which one? Did you guys really base your decision on Nick hanging on a few seconds longer than Austin?
Did Austin really put one over on you guys?
Austin - I pulled off the greatest caper of all time, but it didn’t work. I knew I was going home and I didn’t want to leave with them thinking I was weak , so I told them I threw the immunity challenge. Except they didn’t vote me off , and Ha Ha , my bad , I am so stupid. Now they know I’m not weak.
( Austin! Why didn’t you just show ‘em your dick? Such a big strong man you are, Austin. Oh swoon, you aren’t weaker than Nick Who, at all. Geeze!)
Austin - Now people are questioning whether I can be trusted or not.
Of course you can’t be trusted, and neither can any of them.
They are going to vote you out if you don’t win immunity , so maybe pretending to be weak isn’t such a good idea this time. Okay? Because even I don’t feel sorry for you, and that’s really saying something.
We cut to the beach, where we find former Casaya members in pursuit of gastropods. We watch the brave hunters search the rocks for elusive invertebrates. They must be swift, and stealthy , they must be smarter than their prey.
Snail hunting is a serious business.
Ares , Shane, Courtney and that other girl ( I can never remember her name) are snail hunting , and I can’t get that song out of my head, you know the one.
First there is a mountain , then there is no mountain, then there is, the snails are in the garden , yes there are snails, yes there are.
Sorry, just had to share it.
As Shame combs the rocks for sneaky snails, we hear Areas and the girls talking.
Areas - These snails are just like LaMina , slimey and hard to get out.
(Out of the rocks or out of the game, or out of their shells? Because you seem to be getting LaMina members out of the game quite well. Sure, you weren’t able to vote for them til after the merge, but every time you won an immunity challenge ( and there were quite a few) one of them went home. )
Arees - These snails are just like LaMina , slimey and hard to get out.
Other Girl- Oh Ares, aren’t you cutthroat.
Areas - No! They are cutthroat, and that Austin is a Slimeball!
The girls bob their heads and agree to the slimebucketness that is Austin. Bad Austin! Such a liar he is! So sneaky and slimey and snail-like.
Aries - We can’t trust him; from now on we don’t reveal anything, PERIOD!
Not revealing anything is a totally new concept to these folks, they don’t even try to keep who they are voting for a surprise.
Shane scowls ( the same scowl he uses when sitting on his stump, the very one he learned in acting class, the scowl he uses while "Hunting" ) and wanders away.
Clouds race through the sky, lizards lurk in the jungle, we must be traveling back to camp.
Camp - Sergio Valente Tribe
Terry explains his strategy to the viewers at home. By the way, Terry is the only hope we have of there not being a complete Pagonging, but do we really care this time? I for one think he is too sure that he deserves the win over everyone else. He is way too cocky for someone who lead his team into the merge with fewer members. Terry is useful , tools usually are.
Terry - The other team is going after us, we need to try to pull some of their members over to our side, pull some of the girls over , because you know I am dead sexy. It’s going to be hard to figure out the 5 or 6 , and who is in control over them, but the girls must be in danger enough to want to be guaranteed a spot with my peeps, I can offer them 5th or 6th place. Casaya is happy, they have the numbers, but things could change because maybe, just maybe one of them needs a dictionary. I’m a team guy. I’m still LaMima, I was the leader over there , but now we are merged and at tribe Jordache, I’m hoping I can turn things around. Did I mention that chicks dig me?
Jungle mail!
Courtney thinks it’s going to be , " A fun one!"
It’s a coconut with a poem written on it, that she reads to the group.
Skill can win a bullrace
(keep your head in the game)
Making tough decisions can take guts
( keep your head in the game)
But in political battles
(don’t be afraid to shoot the outside J)
You’ll always deal with nuts
( getcha getcha head in the game)
Courtney - Look! It’s written on a coconut, it has to be fun!
Sally ( Sally is that little blond girl with the knee socks, you remember, the one who lost the fishing spear causing LaMina to suck forever after) - The Nut said it was a political game, and that is good for me and Terry and Austin , we’re hoping for some conflict to shake things up, and Austin is hoping for a chance to show off his nuts.
Challenge Beach
For the first time tonight, we get to see the Probst! He is wearing a blue shirt!
I know!!
*WAVES*
Hi Jeff!
Sometimes I think he’s the only reason I keep watching this show.
Jeff greets them and explains the challenge.
They will be divided into 3 teams of 3 , each team gets a boat and a bin with 100 painted coconuts in it. The teams must put their coconuts in the boats of other teams, and then paddle out, get a flag that matches your coconut color, and then paddle back in , drag the nuts in a net up the beach , fill the bin , raise the flag, and that’s pretty much it, you know, in a nutshell. ( LOL! Oh I crack myself up! HAHAHA!) So I suppose the political part is that the coconuts are painted different colors?
Jeff - You wanna know what you’re playing for?
They always do! They always wanna know what they are playing for, they are ready, they have their head in the game, and they need to know what fabulous prizes they are playing for. Tell them Jeffy , just tell them already!
Jeff - The winning team of 3 will be picked up tomorrow by boat and taken to a lovely little spot where you will find a bed and breakfast waiting for you. Bacon, mimosas, yummy pastries. You will also get to choose someone to go to the Scary Exile Island!
( Ooooooooo , sceery)
Teams of 3 chosen randomly
Shane - Terry - Austin - Team Nuts
Bruce - Sally - Arse - Team Mixed Nuts
Danielle - Courtney - Cerie - Team Twats
Shane looks totally confused , like he knows he has to try to mind game Terry here, but he really doesn’t know how. He knows Terry is trying to play him for info , but he has no clue what to say. Terry thinks he is sly , pumping Shame for the final four plan , but it’s not all that sneaky.
Shame - Uhh, you could have the idol... Dude.
Terry - But the idol will only take you so far
Now Shane is really confused, he isn’t sure if Terry just admitted to having the idol or not, and the Casaya, are very afraid of the idol.
Terry - Who would you bet the final four will be?
( Long Pause)
Shane - Me, Ares, Cirie and Courtney
Terry - Good, let’s put 25 bucks on it? Bet that will be the final four?
Shane - Uhh, okay. Dude.
Terry in confessional tells us about his amazing discovery, the one that is gonna win him the game.
T- Dawg - I learned some very important stuff when I was talking with Shane. I learned who is next in their pecking order. ( It’s you Terry, you dumb ass! It’s you and Austin and Sally! LaMina is on the menu. You’re Soylent Green, Dude! )
Terry - Two of theirs are left out of their final four plan. ( That’s because there are SIX of them left, even I can do that math.) If I can swing them over to our side , if I can change their minds, I can totally swing this game.
Ha! Good Luck with that. And wasn’t that your plan last week? How did that work out for your tribe? I don’t see NickWho around here anywhere. Hell, you couldn’t even get that crazy old rock gardening Bruce to switch.
But at least Terry has hope, at least he is trying.
Wranglers Beach
The boat returns to bring back the Breakfast Club, and Shane runs down the beach to meet them , and Cirie wonders aloud if they brought back any bacon.
Cirie - Are they back already? Did they bring any food? I didn’t win, but I’m hungry. I don’t want to think about breakfast, I don’t want to hate them more than I do already. I’m a totally sore loser. I am hanging on their every word while complaining about having to listen to their food stories.
Bruce - I had to eat some of Sally’s bacon.
Sally - I had too much
Bruce - I ate so much it made me dizzy !
Sally - I had like eleventy two slices of bacon!
Bruce - I ate 50 slices of bacon and 12 chocolate croissants!
Sally - Look at my belly!
Shane - Those are some quality problems you got there, ( mimicking them ) " Oh I couldn’t finish my bacon because there was too much. "
Cirie laughs at Shane’s attempt at humor, and Sally wants everyone to look at her swollen belly.
( It’s really swollen , looks like she is pregnant, and she did spend the morning on the wet spot in bed with Bruce and Aries, so you never know).
Speaking of Ares? Where is the Oddman ? He wasn’t seen or heard from in the breakfast bragging scene, so either he was dropping off a load, or he wisely decided not to piss off the hungry folks with stories of amazing gluttony.
Sally - I ate all the bacon in the world. Look, at, my, BELLY!
Night 20 - Skerry Exile Island
Oh fer heck!
I totally forgot all about Dallas and What’s Her Name, there on Exile Island, home of the giant stick monster.
It’s storming, harsh.
Rain, wind, lightening ( I assume thunder, because they go together, but really, I don’t remember hearing any thunder over the roar of Austin and Dani’s whining. )
(This is the part where I was gonna put a really funny song parody of the Gilligan’s Island Theme song. It was going to be utterly hysterical, you were all gonna giggle your asses off. But I got late, and I got lazy. So it would be really nice if you just laughed some right now. Thank you)
Austin and Danielle are miserable, huddling under a blanket in the rain.
It goes like this.
Aus - This sucks.
Dani- Oh my Gawd , this sucks
Aus- This sucks so bad
Dani - This sucks
Aus - OMG , this totally sucks
Dani- We have no fire
Aus- We’re soaked
Dani - This is no fun, it sucks
Aus- Do you suck?
Dani - No!
Aus- That sucks.
Austin tells the camera that being miserable causes people to bond quickly, and that he and Danielle have become very close while huddled under the towel in the rain.
Aus- We’re tight now, we bonded
Dani - I’m so glad I’m here with you
Aus - Let’s be best friends!
Dani - BFF!
Aus & Dani - YAY!
In confessional
Austin - I am so proud of Danielle, we are bonded, we are BFF!
In confessional
Danielle - Austin is my back-up plan
She does understand that in order for him to be a back-up for her, he still has to be in the game, right?
Day 21 - Levi’s 501 Tribe
Terry and Sally are doing chores around camp. She asks if Austin will look for the idol, Terry tells her that life will suck if they don’t have fire. Sally worries that they are down to three, and tells us that they are being picked off , she wonders how they are going to change the game.
Sally - ( to Terry) What happens if Austin and Danielle find the idol? Who gets it them?
(This? Is a very good question. As my Hubby would say this is a " Flaw in the plot." Because what would have happened if the idol was still there? Would they have sent 2 people to Exile at the same time if Terry hadn’t found it? It’s an interesting thought. But if doesn’t really matter much since Terry has been walking around with the idol in his pants all along.)
Terry - I have it.
Sally - What? Are you serious?
Terry - I’m serious as a heartattack. I found it in the first 20 minutes I was exiled. I am amazing. I have it, I’ve always had it. I was born with it!
Sally - But I dug holes out there!
Terry- You wasted your time Sally.
Sally has never been happier! This is what she needed to get her hope back. This was the game changing event she’d been waiting for! She tells us how happy she is.
Sally - It’s a great day! We got the idol! ( No Sal, Terry has the idol, but you go ahead and get your hopes up). We have an Ace in the hole! If Terry wins immunity he can slip me or Austin the idol and save us! ( Did he say he was gonna do that? Because I’m not so sure that is what he has planned.) This is a great day! I’m pumped! ( I would have said " screwed’ but I guess it’s kinda the same thing)
Challenge Beach
Hi Jeff!
Everybody wave at Jeff!
*Waves*
Jeff - Come on in guys, We’re going to bring back Austin and that girl that isn’t Courtney from being exiled. You guys look like shit, how was Exile Island?
Austin- Worse day of my life Jeff
Danielle - It never stopped raining, we were cold.
Jeff - Whatever. Now you have to compete for immunity.
( I love it when Jeff smiles all evil , fear the dimples)
It’s a bigass obstacle course. All 9 try to dig their way under a fence, 6 move on.
Moving on are Sally , Courtney , Shane, Danielle , Austin and Terry ( Cirie never had a chance) , they have to work a brain teaser ( insert joke here) then through a cage, and over some sand hills, the first 3 move on.
Austin, Terry and Sally climb over some water on a rope bridge , and then over some more sand hills, and it’s Sally and Terry to the final.
Are you surprised that Terry is gonna win this? Because if you are, you haven’t been paying attention.
He beats Sally, ( duh) but she stayed up with him pretty good for a little girl in knee socks.
Casaya stands around looking disgusted that Terry kicked their ass again.
Jeff - One of you losers is going home. See ya at Tribal!
Bye Jeff!!
*Waves*
Day 21 - Gitanos Tribe
Danielle is not happy that Areas picked her to go to Exile, in fact she’s pissed about it.
Danielle - WHY! Why me! ( sobbing)
Areas - You’re tough as nails D. I hope you are okay with it, but I chose you because you are so tough, because you are my favorite, it was an honor for me to be able to send you to the skerry island while I ate so much bacon that I saw colors. Did I mention there was a soft bed? It was wet, but when you have 8 chocolate croissants and a pot of coffee you kinda forget that you are uncomfortable. It rained so hard that it diluted my orange juice! I hope you understand Dani, it was an honor for you to be able to represent Casaya on Exile Island , you are the toughest one of us, except for Bruce and he was busy stuffing himself with me at the breakfast. Poor Bruce do you realize that old guy had to eat himself dizzy because Sally is a such a wimp she couldn't even finish her own bacon!
Sally- Eleventy two slices!
Danielle - ( sobbing) Me and Austin, we are bonded for life now! We huddled together under a towel for 2 days. We’re BFF!
We cut to Austin who thinks he is toast. Not winning immunity is the end of him.
Terry thinks he can use the hairy immunity shunken head to bargain with, somehow the immunity idol is going to take, not just him, but his whole scruffy little LaMina tribe to the Final Four.
By the way, " LaMina", meaning small , weak, and girlie , fits them just fine.
The planning session goes like this.
Terry - Are you close with her?
Austin - She doesn’t suck , but we’re BFF!
Terry - Does she wanna be final 5 with us? ( dramatic pause) Us, and the Idol.
Austin - You have it?
Terry - Ya, I have it.
( Cue up " Dangerzone" from Top Gun )
Terry - I want to use the idol strategically to take us to the final 3 . We will lure Dani and Bruce in to our group.
Operation "False Hope" is born!
Austin - We got bargaining chips!
Sally - * giggle*
Terry and Austin start the campaign by lying on either side of Bruce in the shelter, and schmoozing him. They tell him about Shane and the bet, they tell him about the pecking order, they tell him that Aras is pissing on Bruce’s rock garden at night. They tell Bruce that he is not on " The List" with Casaya. They promise him a great deal to final 5. It’s a gift really. How could he refuse.
Bruce - I respect Terry, he respects me.
Casaya tries to decide who to vote out, like they usually do, out in the open. There is no sneaking around, there is no whispering at the snail rock, no sharing of information by the water hole. Nope, these folks just argue right out in the open, in front of their targets.
This time though, Areas and Shame are a little worried. They think Terry has the idol, they think the girls don’t have their backs. Courtney doesn’t think that Terry would give the idol away, but A & S are afraid.
( The hairy little idol came from EXILE ISLAND, the skerry stick monster lives there, what is not to be afraid of?)
It’s time for Austin and T-man to schmooze Danielle now, she is their chance to flip the game. He is going to give her the idol??? What a fricken tool!
Terry - I went to Top Gun school ( cue up "Dangerzone " again) we played volleyball in the sand without shirts. We trusted each other, we used words like honor, and trust, and , ummm , honor. I would never lie to you Danielle, you are BFF with my friend Austin, and we need your vote.
Austin - Terry has the idol! Terry has the idol!
Terry - I am willing to give it to you , you can relax for 11 more days, if you promise to vote with us. I’ll give you THIS! ( He flashes a bit of the idol’s furry little head at her, it could be anything, she could be selling her vote for Scott Tennerman’s pubes).
Terry - Vote with us , you’ll be safe. I’ll give you the little head.
Austin - We are BFF, I let you use the big piece of towel.
Danielle thinks she can change the whole game, she could flop it, she could have power, she could give false hope to others, she could have the little hairy troll head.
( and there is a joke in there, somewhere)
Casaya stratigizes some more.
Aras - Sally goes
Courtney - I don’t agree
Oh the drama!
Austin - Terry, you should give the idol to me or Sally before Tribal, just in case.
Terry - We’ll see what happens
There it is Austin, right there, the moment that you should know that you are toast. All those other times that you thought you were getting voted out, were just practice for this moment. Terry has the immunity necklace, Terry has the immunity troll head, Sally has boobs.
Terry isn’t letting you hold the idol, you won’t be getting your hands on it unless they pass it around at the cast party.
Toast!.
Tribal Council
Have you seen this show before? You probably know how this part goes because it’s always just about the same. I have to say that the tribal council set , gets darker and scarier each season.
Gone are the gumdrop candy forests of the earlier seasons , now it’s all skulls and dead stuff, and spider webs and fire. It’s dark, real dark , though sad to say, not very dramatic.
Areas is nervous, he thinks the idol is here and he is afraid.
Jeff points out that Ares sent Austin and Danielle to Exile . That Dani and Austin were in Hell, while Aras was eating pounds of bacon and pastries. Then Jeff points out that Austin and Danielle had a bonding experience out there on the Island. ( All this talk of bonding, who thinks they " got it on" ? Naw, me neither)
Jeff points out that they are two separate tribes still ( and Jeff hates that shit!) He asks Cirie how they get along around camp. She says they get along fine til it’s time to figure out who to vote for.
Shane is worried about getting voted off, he is afraid of the idol, he is afraid it’s gonna come out.
Jeff talks about the idol some more, just to watch Aras and Shane squirm .
Jeff tells Danielle she is at the bottom of the group, he straight out tells Bruce that the team lied to him and he is going home 6th. What does Shane think about that?
Shane thinks that maybe one of those asses will flop, but not two, it’s impossible for 2 to flip, so he still has the numbers, unless the idol comes out.
Jeff- Terry has immunity, you can’t vote for him. One of you is going home tonight. Now vote.
Austin , Sally and Terry vote for Aras, everyone else votes for Austin ( 6 to 3) .
Jeff - Bring me your torch Austin , unless , you have the Idol.
Austin hesitates, he reaches for his bag , Aries and Shame wet their pants.
He brings his torch to Jeff.
Austin is the first member of the Jury.
And just like a snail they get him out.
First there is an Austin , then there is no Austin, then there is.
Jeff gives that speech about the power shifting to the jury, and how the game changes when you are voting out people who will be judging you, then it's over.
Grab your torches and head back to camp
Next time on Survivor, stupid people do stupid stuff, and Jeff shows his dimples again.
Thanks
~Buggy ¶ 4:57 PM 1 Comments
Last week on Survive This - Fester said everything there was to say about this season.
It was a perfectly right on, nailed it , nailed them, assessment of the game and the players. Deadly accurate , totally funny, and he left nothing but crumbs behind when he was done with them.
Last week on Survivor - The tribes merged . Casaya vowed to pick off the LaMina players one by one. LaMina had a plan to get someone to switch over to their side so they wouldn’t get picked off one by one. Terry won the first individual immunity ( because everyone else quit ) , and made offers to Bruce, Cirie and Shane to let them come along with his "tight four" for a promise of 6th place and a coveted spot on the jury.
Nick got voted out. ( Say it with me people,) " Nick who?"
Nine are left !
Who will be voted out this week?!
(I’m guessing Katie Couric, but lets see how this plays out anyway.)
Gitano Tribe - Day after Nick went
Austin tells Terry he is happy to have been spared the ax at Tribal. I guess he really expected to be voted out, it’s a good thing he didn’t do anything stupid.
Courtney ( The Fire Dancer) in a confessional says that last night at tribal council Austin was a jerk.
Fire Dancer - Austin says that he tanked the challenge! He bragged about it, he acted all weak and stuff, but he is really strong and I’m like all , "Oh MY gosh, we voted off the wrong guy!"
Hey Courtney, think much? What the hell does it matter which one you voted out? Is Austin all that much stronger than Nick? ( Who?) We all know Casaya really wanted to vote off Terry, and if he got immunity you were going after Austin or Nick. What difference did it make which one? Did you guys really base your decision on Nick hanging on a few seconds longer than Austin?
Did Austin really put one over on you guys?
Austin - I pulled off the greatest caper of all time, but it didn’t work. I knew I was going home and I didn’t want to leave with them thinking I was weak , so I told them I threw the immunity challenge. Except they didn’t vote me off , and Ha Ha , my bad , I am so stupid. Now they know I’m not weak.
( Austin! Why didn’t you just show ‘em your dick? Such a big strong man you are, Austin. Oh swoon, you aren’t weaker than Nick Who, at all. Geeze!)
Austin - Now people are questioning whether I can be trusted or not.
Of course you can’t be trusted, and neither can any of them.
They are going to vote you out if you don’t win immunity , so maybe pretending to be weak isn’t such a good idea this time. Okay? Because even I don’t feel sorry for you, and that’s really saying something.
We cut to the beach, where we find former Casaya members in pursuit of gastropods. We watch the brave hunters search the rocks for elusive invertebrates. They must be swift, and stealthy , they must be smarter than their prey.
Snail hunting is a serious business.
Ares , Shane, Courtney and that other girl ( I can never remember her name) are snail hunting , and I can’t get that song out of my head, you know the one.
First there is a mountain , then there is no mountain, then there is, the snails are in the garden , yes there are snails, yes there are.
Sorry, just had to share it.
As Shame combs the rocks for sneaky snails, we hear Areas and the girls talking.
Areas - These snails are just like LaMina , slimey and hard to get out.
(Out of the rocks or out of the game, or out of their shells? Because you seem to be getting LaMina members out of the game quite well. Sure, you weren’t able to vote for them til after the merge, but every time you won an immunity challenge ( and there were quite a few) one of them went home. )
Arees - These snails are just like LaMina , slimey and hard to get out.
Other Girl- Oh Ares, aren’t you cutthroat.
Areas - No! They are cutthroat, and that Austin is a Slimeball!
The girls bob their heads and agree to the slimebucketness that is Austin. Bad Austin! Such a liar he is! So sneaky and slimey and snail-like.
Aries - We can’t trust him; from now on we don’t reveal anything, PERIOD!
Not revealing anything is a totally new concept to these folks, they don’t even try to keep who they are voting for a surprise.
Shane scowls ( the same scowl he uses when sitting on his stump, the very one he learned in acting class, the scowl he uses while "Hunting" ) and wanders away.
Clouds race through the sky, lizards lurk in the jungle, we must be traveling back to camp.
Camp - Sergio Valente Tribe
Terry explains his strategy to the viewers at home. By the way, Terry is the only hope we have of there not being a complete Pagonging, but do we really care this time? I for one think he is too sure that he deserves the win over everyone else. He is way too cocky for someone who lead his team into the merge with fewer members. Terry is useful , tools usually are.
Terry - The other team is going after us, we need to try to pull some of their members over to our side, pull some of the girls over , because you know I am dead sexy. It’s going to be hard to figure out the 5 or 6 , and who is in control over them, but the girls must be in danger enough to want to be guaranteed a spot with my peeps, I can offer them 5th or 6th place. Casaya is happy, they have the numbers, but things could change because maybe, just maybe one of them needs a dictionary. I’m a team guy. I’m still LaMima, I was the leader over there , but now we are merged and at tribe Jordache, I’m hoping I can turn things around. Did I mention that chicks dig me?
Jungle mail!
Courtney thinks it’s going to be , " A fun one!"
It’s a coconut with a poem written on it, that she reads to the group.
Skill can win a bullrace
(keep your head in the game)
Making tough decisions can take guts
( keep your head in the game)
But in political battles
(don’t be afraid to shoot the outside J)
You’ll always deal with nuts
( getcha getcha head in the game)
Courtney - Look! It’s written on a coconut, it has to be fun!
Sally ( Sally is that little blond girl with the knee socks, you remember, the one who lost the fishing spear causing LaMina to suck forever after) - The Nut said it was a political game, and that is good for me and Terry and Austin , we’re hoping for some conflict to shake things up, and Austin is hoping for a chance to show off his nuts.
Challenge Beach
For the first time tonight, we get to see the Probst! He is wearing a blue shirt!
I know!!
*WAVES*
Hi Jeff!
Sometimes I think he’s the only reason I keep watching this show.
Jeff greets them and explains the challenge.
They will be divided into 3 teams of 3 , each team gets a boat and a bin with 100 painted coconuts in it. The teams must put their coconuts in the boats of other teams, and then paddle out, get a flag that matches your coconut color, and then paddle back in , drag the nuts in a net up the beach , fill the bin , raise the flag, and that’s pretty much it, you know, in a nutshell. ( LOL! Oh I crack myself up! HAHAHA!) So I suppose the political part is that the coconuts are painted different colors?
Jeff - You wanna know what you’re playing for?
They always do! They always wanna know what they are playing for, they are ready, they have their head in the game, and they need to know what fabulous prizes they are playing for. Tell them Jeffy , just tell them already!
Jeff - The winning team of 3 will be picked up tomorrow by boat and taken to a lovely little spot where you will find a bed and breakfast waiting for you. Bacon, mimosas, yummy pastries. You will also get to choose someone to go to the Scary Exile Island!
( Ooooooooo , sceery)
Teams of 3 chosen randomly
Shane - Terry - Austin - Team Nuts
Bruce - Sally - Arse - Team Mixed Nuts
Danielle - Courtney - Cerie - Team Twats
Jeff ( aka Captain Stupidhead) - Survivors ready? For breakfast in bed, Go!
Team Nuts gangs up on the Twats, putting all their nuts in the Twats boat. Team Mixed Nuts is loading up the Nuts with nuts , while the Twats can barely carry a load of nuts without dropping them all over the beach. Aries tells Danielle to "Stay on the Nuts , we aren’t putting any in your yours."
Aha! That tricky Mixed Nut Ares, is trying to get the Twatties to help him load up the nuts on the Nuts. I suppose everyone should make sure that he beats Terry.
Nuts and Mixed Nuts are heading into the water about the same time, and the Twats are so far behind that they have to start putting their nuts in their own boat because the other teams are off the shore.
Jeff mocks them for being in last place. " No Shot! The Twats got no shot!" , yells Jeff.
Team Nuts gets back to the beach with the flag first and starts to load up the nut net with nuts, it’s going to take them two trips though and Mixed Nuts is right behind them. Mixed can fit all their nuts in the net! They get all the nuts in ONE LOAD! Jeff pretends it’s close, as Sally runs back for the flag, and the Mixed Nuts win Reward!
A boat to take them to a nice little spot for breakfast in bed.
Now you all heard Jeff, same as I did, say " bed and breakfast" before the challenge, then he changed it and started saying "breakfast and bed" and then " breakfast in bed" . Jeff is a lying sack!
He is a dimpled , blue shirted , jaunty hat wearing, sneaky lying ass. It’s kinda funny though.
Now he drops the real bomb, as the winners of the reward, Team Mixed Nuts has to pick someone to go to *cue dramatic spooky music* EXILE ISLAND! They don’t just pick one someone, they have to pick TWO someones! Ha! Arses chooses Austin from the Nuts, and Danielle from the Twats, to be exiled, the rest return to camp because except for the Breakfast Club , Jeff has nothing for them.
Sassoon Beach - Day 20
It’s wet.
Rain , raining, the camp is a lake again WET!
Sally ( the spear losing, tribe killing Social Worker) - Winning the reward was the best thing ever. I am going to have breakfast in bed with Bruce and Oddis. ( I rewound the tape 3 times, I swear she says Oddis)
Oddis - I am like a kid on Xmas Eve! I woke up early and have been waiting , where’s the boat? The minute I won it , ( Dude, you had some help, it was a team event) I knew what I’d done. I revealed some of my athleticism , but a lot of my wit. ( Umm yeah, you are super amazing). I’m the leader and now they know I’m smart too , I may have painted a big target on me.
The catapiller sheds it’s skin to find the butterfly within.
The Boat finally shows up and off our little Mixed Nuts go for their reward.
Sally - Bruce, Oddis and I had no idea where we were going. ( There! She said it again!)
I think Bruce, Sally and the Oddman , thought they were at least going to some sort of building with a roof. But no, that is not the case. The boat brings them to a sand bar in the pouring rain. There is a canopy bed sitting out on the beach. No way! Way!
Sally -No Way is that our reward! There is a beautiful bed, but it’s pouring rain, it’s like wet.
Way!
We get confessionals of all of them describing rain , and water, and wetness. The Bed they are supposed to have breakfast in is drenched. The sheets are soaked, the pillows are soppy , the canopy is dripping. It’s cold, they are wet, and this looks like the worst reward ever! They get into the wet bed and then a tray with food is brought to them, and then more food and more food.
Sally- It went from this cold and miserable moment , to the most incredible day ever!
Amazing what some good food can do for you when you’ve been eating snails and beans for 20 days.
Orange juice seems to have brought little Sally, right back to life.
Areas - This was so worth it!
Sally - I don’t even care that I’m wet!
Bruce - I’m used to sleeping in a wet bed
We watch them eat, and eat and eat and eat. Bruce lists all the kinds of foods they have, and it’s alot.
As they open more champagne, Sally tells us over again that she is so comfortable, and soooooo wet. She never thought being in bed with 2 strange men ( one of them really strange and the other just really Odd) would feel so comfortable. The more she talks, the more I think this may not have been little Sally’s first time at the rodeo ( ifyaknowwhatImean)
Calvins Tribe - Beach
Terry is attempting to bond with Shame, who is looking more freaked out than ever. I’m not sure what role he is attempting to play today, but "serial killer" is the costume. ( He looks scarier than that time he tried to rape Rayanne Graff on My So Called Life.)
Terry is trying to feel him out , looking for a chink in the Casaya block , Shane is just giving him the wild "scary eyes".
The conversation goes like this
T-Bone - Danielle and Austin must be hating life about now ( Who? Oh ya, they’re on Exile Island, I forgot)
Terry - I wonder why Ares picked Danielle over Courtney ?
Shame - Dunno
Terry- I wonder if he thought she could handle herself better
Shame - I Dunno
Shane looks totally confused , like he knows he has to try to mind game Terry here, but he really doesn’t know how. He knows Terry is trying to play him for info , but he has no clue what to say. Terry thinks he is sly , pumping Shame for the final four plan , but it’s not all that sneaky.
Shame - Uhh, you could have the idol... Dude.
Terry - But the idol will only take you so far
Now Shane is really confused, he isn’t sure if Terry just admitted to having the idol or not, and the Casaya, are very afraid of the idol.
Terry - Who would you bet the final four will be?
( Long Pause)
Shane - Me, Ares, Cirie and Courtney
Terry - Good, let’s put 25 bucks on it? Bet that will be the final four?
Shane - Uhh, okay. Dude.
Terry in confessional tells us about his amazing discovery, the one that is gonna win him the game.
T- Dawg - I learned some very important stuff when I was talking with Shane. I learned who is next in their pecking order. ( It’s you Terry, you dumb ass! It’s you and Austin and Sally! LaMina is on the menu. You’re Soylent Green, Dude! )
Terry - Two of theirs are left out of their final four plan. ( That’s because there are SIX of them left, even I can do that math.) If I can swing them over to our side , if I can change their minds, I can totally swing this game.
Ha! Good Luck with that. And wasn’t that your plan last week? How did that work out for your tribe? I don’t see NickWho around here anywhere. Hell, you couldn’t even get that crazy old rock gardening Bruce to switch.
But at least Terry has hope, at least he is trying.
Wranglers Beach
The boat returns to bring back the Breakfast Club, and Shane runs down the beach to meet them , and Cirie wonders aloud if they brought back any bacon.
Cirie - Are they back already? Did they bring any food? I didn’t win, but I’m hungry. I don’t want to think about breakfast, I don’t want to hate them more than I do already. I’m a totally sore loser. I am hanging on their every word while complaining about having to listen to their food stories.
Bruce - I had to eat some of Sally’s bacon.
Sally - I had too much
Bruce - I ate so much it made me dizzy !
Sally - I had like eleventy two slices of bacon!
Bruce - I ate 50 slices of bacon and 12 chocolate croissants!
Sally - Look at my belly!
Shane - Those are some quality problems you got there, ( mimicking them ) " Oh I couldn’t finish my bacon because there was too much. "
Cirie laughs at Shane’s attempt at humor, and Sally wants everyone to look at her swollen belly.
( It’s really swollen , looks like she is pregnant, and she did spend the morning on the wet spot in bed with Bruce and Aries, so you never know).
Speaking of Ares? Where is the Oddman ? He wasn’t seen or heard from in the breakfast bragging scene, so either he was dropping off a load, or he wisely decided not to piss off the hungry folks with stories of amazing gluttony.
Sally - I ate all the bacon in the world. Look, at, my, BELLY!
Night 20 - Skerry Exile Island
Oh fer heck!
I totally forgot all about Dallas and What’s Her Name, there on Exile Island, home of the giant stick monster.
It’s storming, harsh.
Rain, wind, lightening ( I assume thunder, because they go together, but really, I don’t remember hearing any thunder over the roar of Austin and Dani’s whining. )
(This is the part where I was gonna put a really funny song parody of the Gilligan’s Island Theme song. It was going to be utterly hysterical, you were all gonna giggle your asses off. But I got late, and I got lazy. So it would be really nice if you just laughed some right now. Thank you)
Austin and Danielle are miserable, huddling under a blanket in the rain.
It goes like this.
Aus - This sucks.
Dani- Oh my Gawd , this sucks
Aus- This sucks so bad
Dani - This sucks
Aus - OMG , this totally sucks
Dani- We have no fire
Aus- We’re soaked
Dani - This is no fun, it sucks
Aus- Do you suck?
Dani - No!
Aus- That sucks.
Austin tells the camera that being miserable causes people to bond quickly, and that he and Danielle have become very close while huddled under the towel in the rain.
Aus- We’re tight now, we bonded
Dani - I’m so glad I’m here with you
Aus - Let’s be best friends!
Dani - BFF!
Aus & Dani - YAY!
In confessional
Austin - I am so proud of Danielle, we are bonded, we are BFF!
In confessional
Danielle - Austin is my back-up plan
She does understand that in order for him to be a back-up for her, he still has to be in the game, right?
Day 21 - Levi’s 501 Tribe
Terry and Sally are doing chores around camp. She asks if Austin will look for the idol, Terry tells her that life will suck if they don’t have fire. Sally worries that they are down to three, and tells us that they are being picked off , she wonders how they are going to change the game.
Sally - ( to Terry) What happens if Austin and Danielle find the idol? Who gets it them?
(This? Is a very good question. As my Hubby would say this is a " Flaw in the plot." Because what would have happened if the idol was still there? Would they have sent 2 people to Exile at the same time if Terry hadn’t found it? It’s an interesting thought. But if doesn’t really matter much since Terry has been walking around with the idol in his pants all along.)
Terry - I have it.
Sally - What? Are you serious?
Terry - I’m serious as a heartattack. I found it in the first 20 minutes I was exiled. I am amazing. I have it, I’ve always had it. I was born with it!
Sally - But I dug holes out there!
Terry- You wasted your time Sally.
Sally has never been happier! This is what she needed to get her hope back. This was the game changing event she’d been waiting for! She tells us how happy she is.
Sally - It’s a great day! We got the idol! ( No Sal, Terry has the idol, but you go ahead and get your hopes up). We have an Ace in the hole! If Terry wins immunity he can slip me or Austin the idol and save us! ( Did he say he was gonna do that? Because I’m not so sure that is what he has planned.) This is a great day! I’m pumped! ( I would have said " screwed’ but I guess it’s kinda the same thing)
Challenge Beach
Hi Jeff!
Everybody wave at Jeff!
*Waves*
Jeff - Come on in guys, We’re going to bring back Austin and that girl that isn’t Courtney from being exiled. You guys look like shit, how was Exile Island?
Austin- Worse day of my life Jeff
Danielle - It never stopped raining, we were cold.
Jeff - Whatever. Now you have to compete for immunity.
( I love it when Jeff smiles all evil , fear the dimples)
It’s a bigass obstacle course. All 9 try to dig their way under a fence, 6 move on.
Moving on are Sally , Courtney , Shane, Danielle , Austin and Terry ( Cirie never had a chance) , they have to work a brain teaser ( insert joke here) then through a cage, and over some sand hills, the first 3 move on.
Austin, Terry and Sally climb over some water on a rope bridge , and then over some more sand hills, and it’s Sally and Terry to the final.
Are you surprised that Terry is gonna win this? Because if you are, you haven’t been paying attention.
He beats Sally, ( duh) but she stayed up with him pretty good for a little girl in knee socks.
Casaya stands around looking disgusted that Terry kicked their ass again.
Jeff - One of you losers is going home. See ya at Tribal!
Bye Jeff!!
*Waves*
Day 21 - Gitanos Tribe
Danielle is not happy that Areas picked her to go to Exile, in fact she’s pissed about it.
Danielle - WHY! Why me! ( sobbing)
Areas - You’re tough as nails D. I hope you are okay with it, but I chose you because you are so tough, because you are my favorite, it was an honor for me to be able to send you to the skerry island while I ate so much bacon that I saw colors. Did I mention there was a soft bed? It was wet, but when you have 8 chocolate croissants and a pot of coffee you kinda forget that you are uncomfortable. It rained so hard that it diluted my orange juice! I hope you understand Dani, it was an honor for you to be able to represent Casaya on Exile Island , you are the toughest one of us, except for Bruce and he was busy stuffing himself with me at the breakfast. Poor Bruce do you realize that old guy had to eat himself dizzy because Sally is a such a wimp she couldn't even finish her own bacon!
Sally- Eleventy two slices!
Danielle - ( sobbing) Me and Austin, we are bonded for life now! We huddled together under a towel for 2 days. We’re BFF!
We cut to Austin who thinks he is toast. Not winning immunity is the end of him.
Terry thinks he can use the hairy immunity shunken head to bargain with, somehow the immunity idol is going to take, not just him, but his whole scruffy little LaMina tribe to the Final Four.
By the way, " LaMina", meaning small , weak, and girlie , fits them just fine.
The planning session goes like this.
Terry - Are you close with her?
Austin - She doesn’t suck , but we’re BFF!
Terry - Does she wanna be final 5 with us? ( dramatic pause) Us, and the Idol.
Austin - You have it?
Terry - Ya, I have it.
( Cue up " Dangerzone" from Top Gun )
Terry - I want to use the idol strategically to take us to the final 3 . We will lure Dani and Bruce in to our group.
Operation "False Hope" is born!
Austin - We got bargaining chips!
Sally - * giggle*
Terry and Austin start the campaign by lying on either side of Bruce in the shelter, and schmoozing him. They tell him about Shane and the bet, they tell him about the pecking order, they tell him that Aras is pissing on Bruce’s rock garden at night. They tell Bruce that he is not on " The List" with Casaya. They promise him a great deal to final 5. It’s a gift really. How could he refuse.
Bruce - I respect Terry, he respects me.
Casaya tries to decide who to vote out, like they usually do, out in the open. There is no sneaking around, there is no whispering at the snail rock, no sharing of information by the water hole. Nope, these folks just argue right out in the open, in front of their targets.
This time though, Areas and Shame are a little worried. They think Terry has the idol, they think the girls don’t have their backs. Courtney doesn’t think that Terry would give the idol away, but A & S are afraid.
( The hairy little idol came from EXILE ISLAND, the skerry stick monster lives there, what is not to be afraid of?)
It’s time for Austin and T-man to schmooze Danielle now, she is their chance to flip the game. He is going to give her the idol??? What a fricken tool!
Terry - I went to Top Gun school ( cue up "Dangerzone " again) we played volleyball in the sand without shirts. We trusted each other, we used words like honor, and trust, and , ummm , honor. I would never lie to you Danielle, you are BFF with my friend Austin, and we need your vote.
Austin - Terry has the idol! Terry has the idol!
Terry - I am willing to give it to you , you can relax for 11 more days, if you promise to vote with us. I’ll give you THIS! ( He flashes a bit of the idol’s furry little head at her, it could be anything, she could be selling her vote for Scott Tennerman’s pubes).
Terry - Vote with us , you’ll be safe. I’ll give you the little head.
Austin - We are BFF, I let you use the big piece of towel.
Danielle thinks she can change the whole game, she could flop it, she could have power, she could give false hope to others, she could have the little hairy troll head.
( and there is a joke in there, somewhere)
Casaya stratigizes some more.
Aras - Sally goes
Courtney - I don’t agree
Oh the drama!
Austin - Terry, you should give the idol to me or Sally before Tribal, just in case.
Terry - We’ll see what happens
There it is Austin, right there, the moment that you should know that you are toast. All those other times that you thought you were getting voted out, were just practice for this moment. Terry has the immunity necklace, Terry has the immunity troll head, Sally has boobs.
Terry isn’t letting you hold the idol, you won’t be getting your hands on it unless they pass it around at the cast party.
Toast!.
Tribal Council
Have you seen this show before? You probably know how this part goes because it’s always just about the same. I have to say that the tribal council set , gets darker and scarier each season.
Gone are the gumdrop candy forests of the earlier seasons , now it’s all skulls and dead stuff, and spider webs and fire. It’s dark, real dark , though sad to say, not very dramatic.
Areas is nervous, he thinks the idol is here and he is afraid.
Jeff points out that Ares sent Austin and Danielle to Exile . That Dani and Austin were in Hell, while Aras was eating pounds of bacon and pastries. Then Jeff points out that Austin and Danielle had a bonding experience out there on the Island. ( All this talk of bonding, who thinks they " got it on" ? Naw, me neither)
Jeff points out that they are two separate tribes still ( and Jeff hates that shit!) He asks Cirie how they get along around camp. She says they get along fine til it’s time to figure out who to vote for.
Shane is worried about getting voted off, he is afraid of the idol, he is afraid it’s gonna come out.
Jeff talks about the idol some more, just to watch Aras and Shane squirm .
Jeff tells Danielle she is at the bottom of the group, he straight out tells Bruce that the team lied to him and he is going home 6th. What does Shane think about that?
Shane thinks that maybe one of those asses will flop, but not two, it’s impossible for 2 to flip, so he still has the numbers, unless the idol comes out.
Jeff- Terry has immunity, you can’t vote for him. One of you is going home tonight. Now vote.
Austin , Sally and Terry vote for Aras, everyone else votes for Austin ( 6 to 3) .
Jeff - Bring me your torch Austin , unless , you have the Idol.
Austin hesitates, he reaches for his bag , Aries and Shame wet their pants.
He brings his torch to Jeff.
Austin is the first member of the Jury.
And just like a snail they get him out.
First there is an Austin , then there is no Austin, then there is.
Jeff gives that speech about the power shifting to the jury, and how the game changes when you are voting out people who will be judging you, then it's over.
Grab your torches and head back to camp
Next time on Survivor, stupid people do stupid stuff, and Jeff shows his dimples again.
Thanks
~Buggy ¶ 4:57 PM 1 Comments
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Survivor Yawnama, Puerile Island: Episode 7 "Predictability, Thy Name is 'Merge'", by Fester
Yeah, I know, it’s Wednesday. I’m late. I’m sorry. Consign me to Barry Bonds’ circle of Hell if it’ll make you feel better. I could sing some cock-n-bull song about how life’s hectic and there aren’t enough hours in the day and all that brakkage, but the simple truth of the matter is that I spent more time analyzing the blacklit map on the hatch door from “Lost” and looting, following the Lady Turpins championship, than on this weak-ass show.
Speaking of which, I think this episode was what Shakespeare had in mind when he went on about sound and fury signifying nothing, which, I guess, makes me an idiot. But before we go on, idiot or no, you’ll have to indulge my digression into the sad state of affairs that is Survivor. Let’s be honest for a second, folks, this show jumped the shark when good ol’ Johnny Fairplay lied about his Grandma. That was it. Pinnacle achieved. Every single moment from there has been a move downward. All-Stars was full of vitriolic whiners and full-on mo-rons (I’m looking at you Roopert). Vanuatu was mind-numbingly dreadful. Palau? Pa-lease. Guatemala was a total turdcicle. 4 seasons won by Not-Rob, Meat Loaf, The Bad Lieutenant, and Not-Steph, in that order. 4 seasons and not one memorable character, outside of my recurring nightmares, that is. Sarge? Twila? Stephenie? Bobby Jonboy? Judd? Jamie? Stephagain? Bobby Jonboyagain? You know what that is? That’s a who’s who of people you would pay hard-earned cash to watch being locked in a cage with the “28 Days Later” rage gorillas. What, that’s just me talking? Liars.
That leads us into Panama. Again. For the 3rd time (the 2nd during rainy season). Burnett must’ve gotten a sweet deal on Noriega’s beachfront mansion. At any rate, this has been the worst season of this show…EVER. And yes, I remember Thailand. I would watch Thailand on a perpetual loop in Hell…with Barry Bonds…before I would subject myself to a second viewing of this “Exile Island” nonsense. Who cast this show? Are all the good applicants gone? I mean, I know we ask this every season, but this time I mean it. There isn’t one person on this show I could spend more than five minutes with without wanting to stick my head in an oven to end it all. I know they’re trying to sell us on “colorful” Shane. Shane’s not colorful, OK, he’s just an asshole. This show has had assholes we love to hate, but Shane isn’t that guy. He’s the guy you look at and simply think “what a dick”. He’s not funny (intentionally, at least). He’s not clever. And? He’s dumb as a fucking post. Yet he’s going to make the jury and probably the final four.
And this “Exile Island” twist? Is this not the most boring and pointless exercise ever? Player gets sent to island. Player looks for idol/player sleeps in the (usually rainy) elements. Thrilling. No, seriously, edge-of-your-seat stuff, there. Way to go, Burnie. All right, you’ve heard enough of my gripes. Here’s your damn summary.
Previously on Survivor…
Dook and GonZAYga were exiled to the off-season and cried like thirteen-year-old girls watching “Titanic”. Wait, that was last week on the George Mason Invitational. My bad. Two weeks ago? Shit. Recap. Four score and seven years ago on Survivor…
At Cantstandya, Shane, after swearing allegiance on his son, the randy Boston Powers, to lazy-ass Danielle, moonflake Courtney, and I’m-too-sexy-for-my-Mohawk Aras, decided that 20 more days of Courtney aligning her chakras and Danielle sitting on her ass was more than he could bear. So he asked for his son’s name back, forgetting for the moment that he has it emblazoned on his chest like a permanent Wal-Mart-greeter nametag. Having spent the past week being a raging freakazoid, the girls were happy to oblige.
At Less Meansmore, Sally’s days were numbered until she was sent to Exile Island when her tribe lost for the 17th consecutive time. There she searched the big empty hole Terry left for the immunity idol.
Cantstandya got to party with the locals, and Shane scored a cigarette in exchange for a back-alley blowjob.
At Tribal Council, AstroDan took one for the team and was saluted for baring his neck to Alpha Dog Terry.
10 are left, Whothefuckcares who gets voted out next…?
Night 15 Cantstandya
The everlasting raincloud continues to hang over Cantstandya camp. That, my friends, is Karma. God hates Shane. Oh. Yes. She. Does. Shane? Well, Shane hates everybody, but he hates Courtney most of all, so Courtney gets to sleep in the rain. Alone. Blanketless. But she will have her revenge in heaven…or when she’s reincarnated as the cow that will become the steak that will give Shane a fatal coronary at age 47, depending upon your theology.
In the morning, Bruce tends to his rock garden, because he’s poo-flinging-monkey nuts. He’s psyched for the merge, because he thinks that being the swing vote will take him to the end of the game. Riiiight. Because that’s worked out so well in the past. Go play with your rocks, Miyagisan.
Day 16 Puerile Island
Sally is happy. Hoo-frickin-ray. Next.
Day 16 Less Meansmore
A full day of excitement is in store for our starving underachievers. On tap? Deciding whether to have the slugs for lunch and the beans for dinner, or vice versa. As if. Any gourmand will tell you that you start with the slugs, then follow with the beans. See, the slugs act as a sort of slippery conduit for the beans to work their magic. Farts aplenty, people. Farts aplenty.
However, this culinary decision is put on hold, as Treemail has arrived. The note directs the tribe to go to the back beach, where much-needed supplies await them. Well, we all know what will be needed to complete Slug-n-Bean night…Matches! Alas, it’s just a boat…with yet another note.
Gee, I wonder what it could be…Hmmm, 10 peeps left…10 peeps left…What usually happens at this point?...Oh yeah, that merge thing. This? Is not good news for our fine, upstanding Less Meansmores. However, the ever positive Terry thinks he’ll be able to get a couple folks to join his foursome. How, you ask? Isn’t it obvious? Step 1: Acquire underpants…Step 3: Profit! And if that fails? Well, he has the Troll Doll of Doom in his pocket.
Day 16 Cantstandya
It’s business as usual: sitting around…eating rice…scratching themselves in unsavory places. You can see how this tribe is such a challenge juggernaut. Shane is even eating the rice off of the spatula and licking it clean. Watching this, I can’t help but think that he’s a top-notch dad. I’m getting a real “fix me a turkey potpie, bitch” vibe. Hell, he even looks like he might be John Bender’s pop.
On the horizon, they see the Less Meansmores approaching, so they do what all good hosts do when company is on the way…they eat all the fucking food. Apparently, no one told them that merges usually mean stuffing your face until you puke. Or they’re just spiteful bastards. Either way, they are not looking forward to sharing living space. Except Bruce. But I think we’ve already explained how Bruce is batshit insane. He goes frolicking out into the surf to greet the new tribemates. Everyone else? Stands on the shore and scowls. Yeah Terry, it’s gonna be a piece of cake to get these guys to flop.
Once on the beach, the crate of the great feast is presented. Then the eating of the great feast begins. Aras suddenly feels stupid for gorging on rice. Little does he know he’s looked stupid for 16 days, now.
Once the feasting, and the obligatory-yet-unseen purging, is complete, it’s time for Terry to assume the Alpha male role on the new beach. So he goes about building a bigger shelter. This is in no way a phallic display. I’m sure Terry just wants to make sure poor little Courtney has a roof over her nappy head. Shane is content to let Terry do all the work, because, as I mentioned above, he’s a dick. He is, however, a dick who knows that he must kiss Bruce’s nuthouse ass so he doesn’t run off with Terry’s Heroes.
Meanwhile, Terry is trying to get Bruce to do just that. He promises Bruce something he already has…a spot in the final 5. Terry’s not really a guy you’d want as a hostage negotiator.
And then it starts to rain again, because, as I also mentioned above, God hates Shane. The boys are still putting the shelter together when Nick accidentally slices Bruce’s mouth open with the machete, chipping his tooth in the process. “It’s just a flesh wound!” says Batshit Bruce. “I’m so dead” says Nick.
Day 17 Getthenoose
Bruce makes the new tribal flag, because he’s been an art teacher for 34 years. Well, that, and everyone else is either looking for food or sleeping til noon.
Elsewhere, Austin tries his luck with his ol’ pal Aras. Somehow, he thinks that the 4 days they spent knocking coconuts around and building the worst shelter since Roopert’s beachfront basement will trump the 11 Aras spent actually winning stuff with Cantstandya. Not surprising from a guy who thought he could get a quality education from Jerry Falwell U.
Aras essentially tells Austin, more out of courtesy than camaraderie, that he’s comfortable where he is and that Terry should pack his bag.
Austin (confessional): Yeah. This is gonna be harder than I thought.
D’ya think? Well, at least he recognizes that he’s tilting at windmills. Terry’s on the other side of the beach promising Shane and Cirie a final 6 commitment. Both Shane and Cirie are so thrown off by the sheer stupidity of the proposal, that they are stunned into silence for the first time, maybe ever. Cirie then compares Terry’s offer of an F6 arrangement, when she’s already got that and possibly better, to a dictionary salesman trying to sell to a house that already has a set of encyclopedias. I’m guessing Cirie was more of a Judge Judy-watcher than an academic. Leave the analogies to the professionals, hon, you might hurt yourself.
Later that day, Terry presses Shane for an answer to his earlier proposal. Shane wonders aloud whether Terry got the “crazy” from Batshit Bruce.
Day 18 Immunity Challenge
Real inspired challenge here. It’s your usual merge episode endurance, “who wants it most”-type challenge. This season, it’s hanging upside-down from a pole. That's it, just hanging, sloth-like, from a pole.
To no one’s shock, Cirie drops out first at 3 minutes. Aras, Sally, and Bruce drop at 11, 12 and 12 mins., respectively.
Shane, after ordering a cheeseburger and being denied, drops at 13 mins. Danielle and Courtney follow suit.
This leaves the three targets, Austin, Terry, and Nick. Austin fakes weakness, begs Terry to take a dive, and drops out like a wussy at 30 minutes. Terry, feeling his inner Tom Westman coming out, will not be denied, as Nick drops at 46 minutes. So, despite already having the Immunity Troll Doll, he felt the need to double-bag, instead of sucker-punching Shane at TC. Terry is not what you’d call a “strong” strategist. He does, however, have immunity. Twice. He probably wears a belt and suspenders at home.
Day 18 Getthenoose
Everyone kisses Batshit Bruce’s ass. Terry’s still trying to get him to flop. Shane is treating him like his opinion matters. Austin’s even praying with him. Somehow Bruce is oblivious to how much he’s being played. He thinks everyone genuinely likes him, despite a ton of evidence to the contrary prior to the merge. Elsewhere, Nick whines about wanting to make the jury. Since when did this become such a prize? Every season now, we have one of these “I just want to make the jury” people. Let’s see…get voted out 7th and get to go snorkeling for 3 weeks, or get voted out 8th, be locked in a stupid Panamanian hotel with 7 angry people, returning to listen to hours and hours of TC ramblings, and having to vote someone else $1M richer. Yeah, I could see why choice “B” is the way you’d wanna go.
Shane, needing to take back the Island’s Largest Penis trophy, holds a meeting for the 6 Cantstandyas. On the beach. In front of the other 4. Just to discuss who’s going home. God is so pissed about missing you with that lightning bolt in Episode 2, Shane.
The Less Meansmores are peeved at the cockiness of Shane’s gang. So they all decide they’re gonna vote for him to send a message. And that message will be “We have 4 votes, you have 6. So there.”
Shane’s response? “Fuck you.” Hey, at least he’s consistant.
Day 18 Tribal Council
Finally the boredom reaches its logical conclusion. Jeff asks a lot of the standard merge questions…How do you change the dynamic? Answer: You don’t. How does everyone get along? Answer: We don’t. Are you just going to vote down tribal lines? Answer: What are you, retarded? (Insert IC winner), you just won immunity—giving it up? Answer: See above. Right. Time to vote…
Jeff fucks with Shane by showing his 4 votes before revealing Nick’s 6. Shane looks pissed, but then he always looks pissed. Nick, despite not reaching his lofty goal, accepts his fate, and gets his torch snuffed. Jeff then tells them that they are the jury, brak, brak, brak, lots of game left, brak, brak, brak, grab yourankles torches.
Next week: The Troll Doll cometh. And guess what? Cantstandya’s dysfunction returns! Yay! ¶ 1:40 AM 2 Comments
Speaking of which, I think this episode was what Shakespeare had in mind when he went on about sound and fury signifying nothing, which, I guess, makes me an idiot. But before we go on, idiot or no, you’ll have to indulge my digression into the sad state of affairs that is Survivor. Let’s be honest for a second, folks, this show jumped the shark when good ol’ Johnny Fairplay lied about his Grandma. That was it. Pinnacle achieved. Every single moment from there has been a move downward. All-Stars was full of vitriolic whiners and full-on mo-rons (I’m looking at you Roopert). Vanuatu was mind-numbingly dreadful. Palau? Pa-lease. Guatemala was a total turdcicle. 4 seasons won by Not-Rob, Meat Loaf, The Bad Lieutenant, and Not-Steph, in that order. 4 seasons and not one memorable character, outside of my recurring nightmares, that is. Sarge? Twila? Stephenie? Bobby Jonboy? Judd? Jamie? Stephagain? Bobby Jonboyagain? You know what that is? That’s a who’s who of people you would pay hard-earned cash to watch being locked in a cage with the “28 Days Later” rage gorillas. What, that’s just me talking? Liars.
That leads us into Panama. Again. For the 3rd time (the 2nd during rainy season). Burnett must’ve gotten a sweet deal on Noriega’s beachfront mansion. At any rate, this has been the worst season of this show…EVER. And yes, I remember Thailand. I would watch Thailand on a perpetual loop in Hell…with Barry Bonds…before I would subject myself to a second viewing of this “Exile Island” nonsense. Who cast this show? Are all the good applicants gone? I mean, I know we ask this every season, but this time I mean it. There isn’t one person on this show I could spend more than five minutes with without wanting to stick my head in an oven to end it all. I know they’re trying to sell us on “colorful” Shane. Shane’s not colorful, OK, he’s just an asshole. This show has had assholes we love to hate, but Shane isn’t that guy. He’s the guy you look at and simply think “what a dick”. He’s not funny (intentionally, at least). He’s not clever. And? He’s dumb as a fucking post. Yet he’s going to make the jury and probably the final four.
And this “Exile Island” twist? Is this not the most boring and pointless exercise ever? Player gets sent to island. Player looks for idol/player sleeps in the (usually rainy) elements. Thrilling. No, seriously, edge-of-your-seat stuff, there. Way to go, Burnie. All right, you’ve heard enough of my gripes. Here’s your damn summary.
Previously on Survivor…
Dook and GonZAYga were exiled to the off-season and cried like thirteen-year-old girls watching “Titanic”. Wait, that was last week on the George Mason Invitational. My bad. Two weeks ago? Shit. Recap. Four score and seven years ago on Survivor…
At Cantstandya, Shane, after swearing allegiance on his son, the randy Boston Powers, to lazy-ass Danielle, moonflake Courtney, and I’m-too-sexy-for-my-Mohawk Aras, decided that 20 more days of Courtney aligning her chakras and Danielle sitting on her ass was more than he could bear. So he asked for his son’s name back, forgetting for the moment that he has it emblazoned on his chest like a permanent Wal-Mart-greeter nametag. Having spent the past week being a raging freakazoid, the girls were happy to oblige.
At Less Meansmore, Sally’s days were numbered until she was sent to Exile Island when her tribe lost for the 17th consecutive time. There she searched the big empty hole Terry left for the immunity idol.
Cantstandya got to party with the locals, and Shane scored a cigarette in exchange for a back-alley blowjob.
At Tribal Council, AstroDan took one for the team and was saluted for baring his neck to Alpha Dog Terry.
10 are left, Whothefuckcares who gets voted out next…?
Night 15 Cantstandya
The everlasting raincloud continues to hang over Cantstandya camp. That, my friends, is Karma. God hates Shane. Oh. Yes. She. Does. Shane? Well, Shane hates everybody, but he hates Courtney most of all, so Courtney gets to sleep in the rain. Alone. Blanketless. But she will have her revenge in heaven…or when she’s reincarnated as the cow that will become the steak that will give Shane a fatal coronary at age 47, depending upon your theology.
In the morning, Bruce tends to his rock garden, because he’s poo-flinging-monkey nuts. He’s psyched for the merge, because he thinks that being the swing vote will take him to the end of the game. Riiiight. Because that’s worked out so well in the past. Go play with your rocks, Miyagisan.
Day 16 Puerile Island
Sally is happy. Hoo-frickin-ray. Next.
Day 16 Less Meansmore
A full day of excitement is in store for our starving underachievers. On tap? Deciding whether to have the slugs for lunch and the beans for dinner, or vice versa. As if. Any gourmand will tell you that you start with the slugs, then follow with the beans. See, the slugs act as a sort of slippery conduit for the beans to work their magic. Farts aplenty, people. Farts aplenty.
However, this culinary decision is put on hold, as Treemail has arrived. The note directs the tribe to go to the back beach, where much-needed supplies await them. Well, we all know what will be needed to complete Slug-n-Bean night…Matches! Alas, it’s just a boat…with yet another note.
Gee, I wonder what it could be…Hmmm, 10 peeps left…10 peeps left…What usually happens at this point?...Oh yeah, that merge thing. This? Is not good news for our fine, upstanding Less Meansmores. However, the ever positive Terry thinks he’ll be able to get a couple folks to join his foursome. How, you ask? Isn’t it obvious? Step 1: Acquire underpants…Step 3: Profit! And if that fails? Well, he has the Troll Doll of Doom in his pocket.
Day 16 Cantstandya
It’s business as usual: sitting around…eating rice…scratching themselves in unsavory places. You can see how this tribe is such a challenge juggernaut. Shane is even eating the rice off of the spatula and licking it clean. Watching this, I can’t help but think that he’s a top-notch dad. I’m getting a real “fix me a turkey potpie, bitch” vibe. Hell, he even looks like he might be John Bender’s pop.
On the horizon, they see the Less Meansmores approaching, so they do what all good hosts do when company is on the way…they eat all the fucking food. Apparently, no one told them that merges usually mean stuffing your face until you puke. Or they’re just spiteful bastards. Either way, they are not looking forward to sharing living space. Except Bruce. But I think we’ve already explained how Bruce is batshit insane. He goes frolicking out into the surf to greet the new tribemates. Everyone else? Stands on the shore and scowls. Yeah Terry, it’s gonna be a piece of cake to get these guys to flop.
Once on the beach, the crate of the great feast is presented. Then the eating of the great feast begins. Aras suddenly feels stupid for gorging on rice. Little does he know he’s looked stupid for 16 days, now.
Once the feasting, and the obligatory-yet-unseen purging, is complete, it’s time for Terry to assume the Alpha male role on the new beach. So he goes about building a bigger shelter. This is in no way a phallic display. I’m sure Terry just wants to make sure poor little Courtney has a roof over her nappy head. Shane is content to let Terry do all the work, because, as I mentioned above, he’s a dick. He is, however, a dick who knows that he must kiss Bruce’s nuthouse ass so he doesn’t run off with Terry’s Heroes.
Meanwhile, Terry is trying to get Bruce to do just that. He promises Bruce something he already has…a spot in the final 5. Terry’s not really a guy you’d want as a hostage negotiator.
And then it starts to rain again, because, as I also mentioned above, God hates Shane. The boys are still putting the shelter together when Nick accidentally slices Bruce’s mouth open with the machete, chipping his tooth in the process. “It’s just a flesh wound!” says Batshit Bruce. “I’m so dead” says Nick.
Day 17 Getthenoose
Bruce makes the new tribal flag, because he’s been an art teacher for 34 years. Well, that, and everyone else is either looking for food or sleeping til noon.
Elsewhere, Austin tries his luck with his ol’ pal Aras. Somehow, he thinks that the 4 days they spent knocking coconuts around and building the worst shelter since Roopert’s beachfront basement will trump the 11 Aras spent actually winning stuff with Cantstandya. Not surprising from a guy who thought he could get a quality education from Jerry Falwell U.
Aras essentially tells Austin, more out of courtesy than camaraderie, that he’s comfortable where he is and that Terry should pack his bag.
Austin (confessional): Yeah. This is gonna be harder than I thought.
D’ya think? Well, at least he recognizes that he’s tilting at windmills. Terry’s on the other side of the beach promising Shane and Cirie a final 6 commitment. Both Shane and Cirie are so thrown off by the sheer stupidity of the proposal, that they are stunned into silence for the first time, maybe ever. Cirie then compares Terry’s offer of an F6 arrangement, when she’s already got that and possibly better, to a dictionary salesman trying to sell to a house that already has a set of encyclopedias. I’m guessing Cirie was more of a Judge Judy-watcher than an academic. Leave the analogies to the professionals, hon, you might hurt yourself.
Later that day, Terry presses Shane for an answer to his earlier proposal. Shane wonders aloud whether Terry got the “crazy” from Batshit Bruce.
Day 18 Immunity Challenge
Real inspired challenge here. It’s your usual merge episode endurance, “who wants it most”-type challenge. This season, it’s hanging upside-down from a pole. That's it, just hanging, sloth-like, from a pole.
To no one’s shock, Cirie drops out first at 3 minutes. Aras, Sally, and Bruce drop at 11, 12 and 12 mins., respectively.
Shane, after ordering a cheeseburger and being denied, drops at 13 mins. Danielle and Courtney follow suit.
This leaves the three targets, Austin, Terry, and Nick. Austin fakes weakness, begs Terry to take a dive, and drops out like a wussy at 30 minutes. Terry, feeling his inner Tom Westman coming out, will not be denied, as Nick drops at 46 minutes. So, despite already having the Immunity Troll Doll, he felt the need to double-bag, instead of sucker-punching Shane at TC. Terry is not what you’d call a “strong” strategist. He does, however, have immunity. Twice. He probably wears a belt and suspenders at home.
Day 18 Getthenoose
Everyone kisses Batshit Bruce’s ass. Terry’s still trying to get him to flop. Shane is treating him like his opinion matters. Austin’s even praying with him. Somehow Bruce is oblivious to how much he’s being played. He thinks everyone genuinely likes him, despite a ton of evidence to the contrary prior to the merge. Elsewhere, Nick whines about wanting to make the jury. Since when did this become such a prize? Every season now, we have one of these “I just want to make the jury” people. Let’s see…get voted out 7th and get to go snorkeling for 3 weeks, or get voted out 8th, be locked in a stupid Panamanian hotel with 7 angry people, returning to listen to hours and hours of TC ramblings, and having to vote someone else $1M richer. Yeah, I could see why choice “B” is the way you’d wanna go.
Shane, needing to take back the Island’s Largest Penis trophy, holds a meeting for the 6 Cantstandyas. On the beach. In front of the other 4. Just to discuss who’s going home. God is so pissed about missing you with that lightning bolt in Episode 2, Shane.
The Less Meansmores are peeved at the cockiness of Shane’s gang. So they all decide they’re gonna vote for him to send a message. And that message will be “We have 4 votes, you have 6. So there.”
Shane’s response? “Fuck you.” Hey, at least he’s consistant.
Day 18 Tribal Council
Finally the boredom reaches its logical conclusion. Jeff asks a lot of the standard merge questions…How do you change the dynamic? Answer: You don’t. How does everyone get along? Answer: We don’t. Are you just going to vote down tribal lines? Answer: What are you, retarded? (Insert IC winner), you just won immunity—giving it up? Answer: See above. Right. Time to vote…
Jeff fucks with Shane by showing his 4 votes before revealing Nick’s 6. Shane looks pissed, but then he always looks pissed. Nick, despite not reaching his lofty goal, accepts his fate, and gets his torch snuffed. Jeff then tells them that they are the jury, brak, brak, brak, lots of game left, brak, brak, brak, grab your
Next week: The Troll Doll cometh. And guess what? Cantstandya’s dysfunction returns! Yay! ¶ 1:40 AM 2 Comments
