Survivor Panama: Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine
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Show Us Your Nuts! by ilse

Previously, on The Terry Show...Terry tricks Shane into revealing the Final Four pecking order: Shane, Aras, Cirie, and Courtney, leaving Danielle and Bruce on the outside looking in. Terry follows up with, "Hey, did you know that 'gullible' isn’t in the dictionary?" Terry and Austin make plays to get first Bruce to switch teams, then Danielle, actually offering her the Troll Doll Immunity Idol. However, even though they recognize that switching teams would move them each up a notch, and that it would change the game up completely, they'd rather take their chances with the evil they know than the evil they don't. The numbers are 6-3, and Austin, one of the three, becomes Jury Member #1. This despite the fact that the two obvious choices of the three (Terry and Austin) could have had immunity, between Terry’s Troll Doll and the Immunity Chest Protector. Had they done this, Aras would have gone home. But Terry chose to keep both, just to be extra careful. Terry is a student of the Glennie School of Emergency Preparedness.

But now it's Day 22 on Bad Joke Beach. Terry is regaling tribe members around the campfire with tales of military training and bravado. He is an actual Top Gun pilot. Wonder if he participated in the homoerotic volleyball games? His profile says he was a catcher, so that probably answers that.

Courtney, Danielle, and Cirie are in the shelter, within earshot of the campfire. They anguish about him being The Amazing Terry and that no one's going to be able to beat him in challenges. "Maybe we can break his arm or something," Cirie suggests. Shouldn't be too hard to grab it while he's patting himself on the back.

Back at the campfire, Terry asks, "So, at what point do you guys just give up and realize that I'm gonna kick all y'alls' asses?"

"That's not part of the plan, Terry," Shane and Aras scoff. "And we all know that everything on Survivor goes as planned. Just ask Jamie."

Terry, in confessional: I rule this game. It's a shame that someone else had to go, but Austin isn't Me. I'm Me, the only Me. Those people I tried to persuade to vote with Me and didn’t are just...stupid. This game is all about ME! Did you know I'm a graduate of the Naval Academy? I'm also a DICK!

Danielle, still complaining to the Gitano Girls, says she wishes Terry and Sally were gone. Which makes total sense. Why wouldn't you want your two obvious boots to go so that your tribe could begin cannibalizing you?

She rifles through Terry's bag, looking for the idol. It's not there, which fuels speculation that he does not, in fact, have it.

Danielle, in confessional: Terry showed me what looked like a Troll Doll, but geez, that could be anything. How do I know that was the Troll Doll, and not something he made up to look like a Troll Doll? I just can't be sure. I'm nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt me.

Pop quiz: What's the difference between Danielle and a walrus?
One of them has gigantic teeth and smells of fish, and the other one's a walrus.

Aras breaks up the coffee klatch by reassuring them that The Amazing Terry, while he is amazing, is not an American Gladiator and he will fail to get immunity one day. Additionally, Aras asks to be sent to Exile Island the next time someone's eligible to go, because he hasn't been, and wants to see if Terry's telling the truth about the Troll Doll.

Aras, in confessional: Sure, we want to know if T-Dog's got the Troll Doll, but mostly, I want it for myself. See, it took me this long, but I've figured out that my head's on the chopping block.

Here I thought yoga was supposed to improve circulation to the brain. I've seen more intellectual prowess in a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

And it's time for the reward challenge. The teams arrive and are greeted by two huge bamboo structures. But first, Jiffy decides to show them what they're playing for...videos from home! They each get a little taste before the challenge, with a promise of the whole video if they win. Sean starts sobbing before they even get to the TV lounge area.

Terry's first. He has the whole American Dream thing going: House, wife, two kids (one boy, one girl), family dog. His daughter fills the screen and, on the brink of tears, she talks about how much she misses him, and how she hopes he's winning, and how she's sad that they can't play "monster in the closet" at night when Mommy's passed out early. Everyone thinks that Little Twee Girl is adorable.

Then Danielle's family, who tell her they're prouder of her now than when she figured out her AM radio would play at night.

Then Bruce gets to see his wife, and two dogs...no, wait, one dog and one daughter. He and his wife have been married for 28 years, which means she hasn’t had to make the guest room bed since he left for the island.

Courtney’s mom is next. She tells her daughter that she’s got the scented candles going, the luck stones going, the tea leaves going, the voodoo dolls going...she looks normal enough, but man. Something tells me that somewhere along the line, the going got weird and Courtney went pro.

Aras’ dad is center stage on the next video. He is shown riding a bike around their back yard, and then going into a giant teepee, also in their back yard. “What’s with the teepee?” Jiffy asks. “He always wanted one,” Aras replies, as if this were the most mundane thing in the world and requires no further explanation. Aras attended a special school for the Differently Clued.

It’s Shane’s turn. He’s sobbing into his knee. I haven’t seen someone cry like that since Paris Hilton was turned down for the role of Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker because she kept forgetting her lines. We see his son, Boston Powers, and Shane better be putting money away now for his therapy, ‘cuz this kid’s going to have more issues than National Geographic. I’m still amazed that Shane found someone who would voluntarily procreate with him. This guy should be the poster boy for birth control, ferchrissake.

“We grew up together,” Shane explains. “He’s my other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend...he’s my life.” That’s just...sad. Seriously. Dude, you’re allegedly a grown-up. Get your own damn friends, and let your son have his. Yes, you were young when you knocked up some poor self-loathing humanoid female (suppressing the feminist urge to throw things at him for saying “when I had him”), and yes, you have the emotional maturity of a room full of 6th graders, and the mental agility of a soap dish, but that doesn’t mean you grew up together. Unless your son calls his grandmother “Mom,” which would, actually, explain a lot.

Sally gets her family video next, which is about as entertaining as watching potatoes bake. Even Jiffy is speechless. “Well, that was...they’re just...hey, look at the time.”

Cirie is last. Her video shows her husband and two sons. “We miss you, Moms!” one of her kids says. “Yeah, honeybunny,” her husband says. “We miss your laugh, your smile.” She is touched. “We’ve stayed together through thick and...well, mostly through thick. But he says I don’t sweat much, for a fat girl.”

And now, it’s time for the challenge: the winning team will get their whole videos and a big plate of...PB&Js with milk. So winning a challenge on Survivor is akin to losing a challenge on Big Brother. I’m so confused.

The challenge is one of the strangest I’ve ever seen. The two bamboo structures we saw are for the two teams of four each. One member lies on their stomach on a sort of a cradle-sling attached to three ropes which run through the center of the structure and out of the top, then down to the ground around the edge of the structure, each rope held by one of the other three team members. Using the ropes, they must maneuver the person on the sling around the edges of the bamboo pagoda, picking up 15 flags from various spots and placing them in order on one side of the structure. I think I’ve seen something like this before, but it involved vinyl clothing, 9 midgets, and Thousand Island dressing.

At the end of this stupid, bizarre challenge, Courtney, Terry, Bruce, and Sally choose Aras to go to Exile Island, and skip off to eat their sandwiches and milk. It appears that the crusts are not cut off, nor are the sandwiches cut into triangles, and it’s not even chocolate milk. Why bother?

Shane, Cirie, and Danielle trudge back to camp, Shane talking the whole time about how it was a sucky reward anyway. Thanks, Sobby McSobberton. Would you care for a tissue, or does it bother you to lose precious IQ points every time you blow your nose?

No sooner do they get back to camp than Shane confronts Cirie. “I have a problem with my penis,” he says.

She snorts. “It happens to every guy. It’s not a big deal.”

“No, no, something weird’s going on with it, I need you to look at it.” He goes behind the shelter, expecting Cirie to follow him, and drops trou. Danielle, recognizing the sound of her people’s mating call, begins heading around the shelter herself before Cirie slaps her unconscious. “Stupid white girl with tits like granite and a brain like Bleu Cheese,” she mumbles, stepping over the body.

Cirie, horrified, is drawn to help Shane in her capacity as a nurse (she wanted to be a pharmacist, but couldn’t figure out how to get the little bottles in the typewriter). Never has she been so pleased with her career choice.

“Don’t laugh,” he says.

These pictures pretty much tell the story:



Thank God for pixilation, is all I can say.

“Wow. You must drive a Lamborghini,” she comments.

Cirie, in confessional: I couldn’t believe I had to do that. But it did make me laugh, and made me forget what I was missing. Although I have the strangest craving for cocktail weenies.

She diagnoses him with diaper rash and recommends that he “air out the area.” For the second time in Survivor history, someone with a Y chromosome fashions for himself a skirt. Please G-d, let it be the last time...unless Season 13 is the all-drag queen edition. Wouldn’t that be kick-ass?

Speaking of which, Aras is chopping coconuts on Exile Island and looking for the Troll Doll. He “can’t wrap [his] mind around these clues.” But then, he has a mind like wet tennis shoes; it makes squishy noises when running. Oh, yeah, and he also can’t find it because Terry found it days ago.

Aras, in confessional: Maybe Terry didn’t have a problem with sending me here because he’s already got the Troll Doll. If that’s true, then I should clearly stop wasting energy looking for it. But if it’s not true, then he sent me here to make me think that he already has the Troll Doll, and I should clearly look for it harder. But then if that’s true, then clearly I don’t have to look for it, because if he doesn’t have it, we can safely vote him out. But then...

Anybody else smell burning hair?

Meanwhile, back at the tribal beach, the reward challenge winners are disembarking from the Not-A-Quit-Boat.

Danielle is having a little case of Greeneyes.

Danielle, in confessional: I hate these people. I don’t want to hear about their videos, or how full they are, or how great the reward was. I wanted the peanut butter sandwiches, though. I haven’t had anything sticking to the roof of my mouth since I’ve been here.

As the reward challenge winners tromp up the beach, we notice that they’re carrying new things with them; part of the reward was getting to have their luxury items to take with them, which was not mentioned at all prior to the challenge. Bruce brought his sketchbook, because they wouldn’t let him bring his bonsai tree; Sally brought a journal in which to record her thoughts, so we are sure it will remain pristine throughout the game; Terry brought an American flag, because he thinks he’s the 51st star, and immediately ties it to the top of the shelter, which I’m pretty sure isn’t protocol for flag display; and Courtney brought her Fire Dancer fire toys because she’s such a damn workaholic. When she isn’t coming her hair with an eggbeater, that is.

Shane: Do we get to have luxury items, too?

Let’s see, hmmm...did you WIN the challenge? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t. You’ll get nothing and like it. Jesus H. Christ, this guy doesn’t have the sense that G-d gave an animal cracker.

Cirie, in confessional: It’s hard when you’re the loser.

I love when they just HAND me quotes like that.

I gotta admit, watching Courtney do all these rhythmic gymnastic moves with the long spinny nun-chuck things is pretty impressive. Although I’m pretty sure that while she was learning, she hit herself in the head plenty of times...which, again, would explain a lot.

After the commercial break, we are told it’s now day 24, so we skipped day 23 completely.

Top 10 things that happened on Day 23 that did not make it to air:

10. They all took a long walk on the beach at sunset and looked dreamily into each others’ eyes
9. Three words: Giant Sand Castle
8. Foraged from the hidden McNugget Bush
7. Built a radio out of coconuts and strands of creeper
6. Performed dramatic readings of “The Pet Goat”
5. Speculated on the location of Survivor 29 (the consensus was “Panama, for the 17th time”)
4. Unearthed the bones of Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa, then reburied them, since no one knew who they were
3. Were approached by Jehovah’s Witnesses...issues of “The Watchtower” voted best toilet paper ever
2. Debated the eternal question: who would win a cage match between Tinky Winky and Barney?
1. Dodgeball!

The Amazing Terry tells Sally that it’s up to her to convince two people to flop AND for either she or Terry to win Immunity. No pressure. The body language here is interesting: Terry’s standing, with hands on hips; Sally is crouching on a stump, playing with her hair. Any question about who’s calling the shots?

I’ve heard some people compare Terry to Tom. Having thought a lot about this, I have to disagree. While both were regarded by their tribemates as Glorious He-Men, they reacted to this very differently. Tom was very “aw, shucks, not me” about it; Terry’s reaction is more one of “Yes. And?” Tom tried to fly under the radar; Terry is very in-your-face about his intentions. Tom used emotional manipulation to get people to do what he wanted them to do, and they’d do it, and find a way to crush glass into their own forehead while they were at it; Terry just says, “this is what I want you to do” and people find themselves thinking it’s a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, they’re both despicable hypocrites, but at least Terry’s moderately up front about it.

Sally, in confessional: Terry may decide to play the Troll Doll, or he may not, whether or not one of us wins Immunity. I acknowledge that I have no power in this game whatsoever and have completely sublimated my will to The Amazing Terry. He is better than Cats. I will watch him again and again.

Shane, to Terry: You know, if you don’t win Immunity today, and you DON’T have that stupid Troll Doll, you are SO done.
Terry, to Shane: You moron. You just guaranteed that I’ll win.

The camera cuts to an underwater shot of a skull. No foreshadowing there, I’m sure.

I miss tree-mail, so here you go:

It’s time for a change-up
The pecking order’s revealed
Who’s all good, who’s fucked
Will be made plain by a meal

You’ll all have a choice:
A nut or a shell
With the nut you will feast;
or to compete you’re compelled

It’s 6 folks to 2 now
And what does that mean?
All’s going as planned, so
Praise the Lord and pass the beans!

Aras returns from Exile Island, refreshed and renewed, as anyone would be after finally getting a chance to masturbate in peace for the first time in 23 days.

As the clue says, each tribe member is given a nut to put in one hand, and a shell in the other – you may remember this from Survivor: Defacing the Mayan Ruins. On the count of three, the players reveal the contents of one hand or the other, indicating their choice: The shell indicates that they will compete in the challenge, and the nut indicates that they don’t give a shiny shit about the Troll Doll they’ve been obsessed with during the entire show, and by Odin’s beard, they’re going to eat, which they are only allowed to do while the challenge is going on.

The only ones not showing their nuts are Terry (DUH), Sally (DUH), and Aras. This means that it is up to Aras, and only Aras, to make sure that one of the two remaining folks from the other tribe – one of whom very, very likely has the Troll Doll – does not win Immunity. If I were Aras, I’d be pissed.

The challenge is to run out about 50 yards into the water, dive under, and memorize a sequence of 7 submerged pictures. They must then run back to the beach, and, from 7 triangular blocks with different pictures on each side, reproduce the sequence. That’s it.

Jiffy shouts GO and the three competing dash for the water. The other 5 dash for the picnic table nearby, laden with giant cheeseburgers with all the fixin’s , potato wedges, pickles, and soft drinks. They gorge themselves on the feast like a smoker inhales a cigarette after a 10-hour flight. Jiffy, annoyingly, narrates both the challenge portion and the gorging portion in standard “Name, gerund phrase!” fashion. I’d really hate to hear him narrate a porno.

Terry’s back first, followed closely by Aras, then Sally. Aras calls Jiffy over to check his blocks, but he doesn’t have the sequence right. He runs back into the water for a second look. Meanwhile, Terry motions that he thinks he’s got it. The camera cuts to the table, where we can see Courtney saying, “No, oh no, no no no!” Or that’s what she would say if her mouth weren’t crammed with food. Instead it comes out, “Mph mrph muh muh muh!” My autistic 5-year-old enunciates better than that.

But, like most times that Courtney has her mouth full, someone else is satisfied: Terry pumps his fist as he is declared the Immunity winner for the third straight time. The Overeaters Anonymous members shove in one last overflowing mouthful, and the challenge is over.

Back at camp, The Sinister Six decide that Sally’s going home, and thank Aras for actually showing up for the challenge.

Aras, to the other five: Fucking DUH, people. Why not just HAND them the Immunity Chest Protector? Why not just vote me off right the fuck now?

Terry shows Bruce the Troll Doll, which, it seems, has magical properties to make people doubt that they saw anything at all. Sally talks with the other Gitano Girls to try to convince them that two of them should vote with her and Terry, creating a 4-4 tie, and then the Troll Doll would be played.

Courtney corners Terry near the water well and point-blank asks him if they’re playing the Troll Doll tonight. “I’m not even saying I have it,” he says, having shown it to Bruce not 15 seconds of footage before.

Courtney, in confessional: I’d really like to align with Terry, because I really want to go up against him in the final two.

Thanks, Katie, and good luck with that. Next!

The Survivors trek into the Tribal Council set, but not before being treated to a Fire Dancing performance by Courtney. Fun factoid: Did you know that Fire Dancers can get insurance through Clowns of the US?

The look on Danielle's face as everyone is mesmerized by Courtney's balletic moves is priceless. Mostly loathing, with overtones of "I could do that if I wanted to," and just a tinge of "Why are they looking at HER? I got my damn tits done so people would look at ME!"

The players take their stumps, Jiffy brings in Jury Member #1, Austin.

Jiffy: Shane, you're an asshole. Reinforce that for us, would you?

Shane: I can't believe I ate the whole thing. I mean, I feel a little bad, like maybe I should have competed in the challenge and thought of my team before my tummy, but then I realized I'm far too selfish for that. And really, when things come to things, screw you guys.

Jiffy: Thanks, totally showed off that 10K bandwidth brain of yours. Sally, you're nearly invisible behind that target, how's that feel?

Sally: Sucks. Wish I could be like Shane over there, sitting pretty. But maybe not quite so much an asshole.

Jiffy: Aras, why don't you talk about why Shane's an asshole?

Aras: The strategy was to get the necklace away from Terry so we could vote him off. Everyone, but particularly Shane, blew that off the minute 8 pounds of dead ground cow appeared, leaving me eating their dust. And I'm pissed off because if Terry was going to win anyway, I could have eaten some damn food, too. Sally, when you're finished with that target, can I have it?

Jiffy: Shane, talk about Terry until he interrupts you.

Shane: The man's a 47-year-old beast. But there's no way that he can win 6 in a row, and I know for absolutely certain that nothing can possibly happen between now and the final four that could change that.

Terry: But that's just what I'm going to do. The sooner you guys realize that I'm Me, The Amazing Terry, the better off you'll be. And I don't care if I have six Troll Dolls in my pocket, I'm not going to be one of these limp little pussyboys and avoid competing.

Danielle: God, Terry, you're such a dick.

Jiffy: Danielle, why is Terry a dick? Keeping in mind, of course, that you're a two-faced, self-aggrandizing bitch.

Danielle: He's cocky and thinks he controls the game just because he does and he doesn't make any bones about it.

Jiffy: Have you actually attended the last few tribal councils, or did your mother ship take you home? You guys are at least as bad as he is. You're just frustrated because you can't beat him.

Danielle: So what's your point?

Jiffy: I'll show you later; Julie's on the rag. Cirie, what's the deal with the Immunity Idol?

Cirie: What, are you on drugs? Terry's showed that thing to so many people he ought to be charging admission. Or, at least, I think he has. It's all sort of vague.

Jiffy: Courtney, when you go to a mind-reader, do they charge you half-price?

Courtney: No, they usually ask to do my palms instead – they can see that I've got palms.

Time to vote! Terry doesn't give up the Chest Protector. Jiffy reminds everyone that Terry has the Troll Doll, except he doesn't, sort of maybe.

The votes are drawn out of the Coconut Ice Bucket: Sally, Sally, Aras, Aras, Sally, Sally, Sally. There is a brief moment of tension as we wait for her to reveal the Troll Doll...but she doesn't. Aras looks like he might need a cigarette and a change of underwear. Sally's torch is snuffed and she makes her way out.

Jiffy: Terry escapes the vote again by his double-super-secret protection. You guys are putting way more Easter eggs in Terry's basket than logic would dictate. And remember: Terry's a dick, and Shane's an asshole, and as we all know, dicks fuck assholes. Get out of my sight and don't come back until Courtney's discovered that even A-cup breasts can sag.

Sally, in confessional: I had a great time. I'm even glad that Terry didn't give me the Troll Doll. It really is for the best that he keep it. I can't wait to vote for him in the final two!

Next time, on Survivor: Bruce has menstrual cramps, and paranoia sets in as they realize that Someone Who Is Not Terry will be going home.

But then, if you kept the TV on CBS, the first commercial break for CSI: Duluth showed a promo involving some sort of medical emergency that required evacuation from the island. My bet's on one of them tripping over a cordless phone.

As always, thanks for reading.  ¶ 12:28 AM