Friday, April 21, 2006
Episode Ten: The One With The Blockage
Previously on Survivor:
The teams headed off to O Man, to find a giant incense burner. MoJo lifted a camel. The hippies got forced to take a shuwa.
Sorry, that was previously on my TAR summary, which you can read here.
Dayum, I’m smooth.
Previously on Survivor. Shane showed his pee pee to Cirie, and she did her best not to visibly laugh at it. Despite mucho pleading, Sally was booted. Who will be booted off next?
Ha-ha! No one! Yes, thanks to the magic of commercials, we know that someone is taken out of camp due to a medical emergency. No boot for you!
We open. Morning becomes Survivor. Terry, in confessional, mentions that he has a big target on his back. There’s a big Target about two miles from where I sit writing this, but you don’t see me complaining about it. Terry adds that he needs to win the next three challenges to make the final four, then he can use the idol to get to final three. At three, he can win the challenge to get him to final two.
You know, if I’m Terry, I’m loving my odds of winning any physical challenge against this group and I’m also pretty fond of my odds of winning any mental challenge against them. Don’t put much effort into the reward challenge, save it all for the immunity.
Back at camp we see Danielle and Shane congratulating each other. On what, I don’t know. I mean, what were the odds one of them wasn’t coming back from tribal council? Shane once again breaks his own record for the highest number of stupid statements by one contestant in one season of Survivor when he says that they are on the verge of being the first tribe to ever stick together all the way til the end.
Finally, Bruce is complaining about nausea and constipation. He’s been watching the dailies! He says he hasn’t gone to the bathroom since the Panamanian village feast. Thanks for sharing, dood! Say, this doesn’t have something to do with the commercials they’ve been running all week, does it? Naw. Probably just a coincidence.
Meanwhile, treemail. Treemail! Actual treemail! And not just treemail, but gifts. Dolls, to be precise, one for each remaining Survivor, along with instructions to personalize the doll a little. Cirie gives her doll boobs. So does Danielle, but somehow Danielle’s look a lot less natural than Cirie’s. Shane gives himself a tattoo with the doll’s name, then tells us in confessional that “We grew up together. He’s my other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend...he’s my life.”
Okay, that didn’t really happen.
Okay, that probably did happen, but they didn’t show it to us.
Anyway, off to the challenge. The survivors tramp in, dolls in hand, kind of like a road show production of Annie. Our challenge is a combination of two favorites, the put the survivors on the spot by making them answer questions about their colleagues with the reveal your alliances / take out your hatred challenge. Hey! I did this episode last season, only the summary was much funnier.
Probst hands each survivor a survey for them to complete. The questions are all about each other. He then gets the results and tallies them.
That man. How he loves to tally.
Meanwhile, the dolls are taken and placed in a sordid death trap. There are spring loaded torches below each doll, held in place by three ropes. When all three ropes are cut, the torch hits the doll and sets it aflame.
Methinks Burnett is developing some aggressive feelings towards this show.
Okay, the results are tallied and it’s time to ask the group the questions. If you get one right, you can chop the rope of another contestant.
You know, Probst should just have Terry sit down right now. Hell, he should just send him to Exile Island right now. Not only does Terry have no chance of winning this challenge, he’s the automatic exile for whoever does win it. Why, the only way Terry could win is if he answered eighteen questions correctly before the other six combined answered three questions correctly.
On second thought, when you put it like that…
No. No. If it was island trivia, yes. But you just know that we’ll get questions like “Who is the most obnoxious?” and “Who is the craziest?” and, even if there is a four-four tie on the former between Courtney and Shane, there will be at least four correct answers. Terry is meat.
Almost forgot. Do you want to know what you’re playing for? The usual. Helicopter, spa, massage, tons of food, warm bed. Now on with the questions!
Question 1: Who does the least for the tribe? The correct answer, or at least the most common response from the surveys, is Danielle. Cirie, Aras, Terry, and Shane get it right. Terry chops Aras, the other three chop Terry.
Question 2: Who never shuts up? Cirie and Shane pick Courtney, the correct answer. Somehow, Courtney is shocked. She is also surprised when she is informed that she is on a reality TV show. Shane and Cirie both target Bruce, who seems a little taken aback.
Question 3: Who mistakenly believes they are running this game? Shane is the correct answer, picked by Aras and Courtney. Aras sends Bruce out of the game, Courtney takes out one of Shane’s ropes. Probst tosses a little crap Shane’s way, much to Cirie’s delight.
Question 4: Who would you trust with your life? Cirie is the right answer, and only Aras gets it right. Cirie thanks him as he chops Courtney’s first rope.
Question 5: Who would you not trust to watch your back? Aras and Courtney pick Terry, which makes sense given that he is the only member of the other tribe still left. Courtney chops Danielle and Aras chops Cirie. Aras has now answered four questions correctly and chopped the ropes of four different people. Dude ain’t falling for the tricks of the man!
Question 6: Who is the biggest poser? Courtney asks “What is a poser?” with the same sort of line delivery Kellie Pickler used to ask “What’s a mink?” Once again, only one person gets it right, Aras, and he chops Danielle. That makes five correct answers, five different ropes chopped.
Question 7: Who is the moodiest? Courtney and Aras correctly answer Shane. Courtney chops Shane, sending him off on one of his tirades until Probst basically tells him to shut up. Aras then chops Danielle, sending her to the sideline. It’s the first time Aras has given two chops to someone, and then only because he had to do so.
Question 8: Who most easily succumbs to intimidation? Shane correctly chooses Courtney. Courtney had originally chosen herself, but changed her mind when she got herself scowling at herself. Shane takes a hit at Courtney’s ropes.
Question 9: Who is the most annoying person out there? Everyone but Courtney picks Courtney. I would have bet a ton that there would be some Shane votes. Courtney is surprised that people feel that way about her. In fact, she gets downright angry about it. Aras takes Courtney out of the challenge, Shane takes a hit at Aras, and Cirie, after being begged by Shane to take Aras out, takes Shane out, causing him to go off on another tirade. Danielle tries to tell him it’s just a game, but that approach goes nowhere.
Question 10: Who would never survive on their own? Cirie picks herself, Aras picks Terry.
The hell? I mean, how…
Oh.
My.
God.
Aras has a brain. Aras has a damn brain. He has played this challenge perfectly, distributing his chops among everyone, and when the win is on the line, he chose the answer that could not possibly be the correct one, all so that Cirie would win instead of him. Perfect gamesmanship. The challenge is over, and Cirie has won.
And now a little dialogue.
Probst: Cirie, do I even need to bother asking or can I just send Terry to Exile Island now?
Cirie: You do what you have to, Jeff.
Probst: Great. See ya Terry.
Terry: Cool. Maybe *giggle* I’ll find *big laugh* the idol *huge guffaws*. Man, I kill myself sometimes. If you need me, I’ll be in the cabin I built there.
Probst: I’ll be by with Julie and some beers as soon as the poison takes Bruce down.
Bruce: What the?
Probst: I kid, I kid.
Bruce: Whew!
Probst: Okay Cirie, time to pick two people to join you on the reward.
Cirie: What? I have to alienate even more people now?
Probst: Dood, have you never seen the show before?
Cirie: Okay, Aras. Also, hmm
Shane: Pick me and I’ll show you my penis again!
Cirie: Danielle. Aras and Danielle.
Shane: How could you? Danielle? That lazy bitch? We had a thing Cirie! I showed you my wee wee!
Cirie: Uhm, Jeff, is that helicopter coming?
Shane: I stood there and showed you my John Thomas, and you pick her. Has she shown you a trouser snake? Has she flashed the hose at you? Has she?
Cirie: Jeff? The helicopter?
Shane: I know she hasn’t, cause she doesn’t even have one. She doesn’t even have a cock! But I do! I do, and I showed it to you!
Cirie: PROBST, WHERE IS THE DAMN HELICOPTER?!?!?!?!?
Fortunately for Cirie, the helicopter lands, picks up the winners, and starts to take off. Sure, Shane hung onto the door for awhile, but the crew was able to pry his fingers off and he only fell a dozen feet or so.
In confessional, Cirie tells us she chose Aras and Danielle because they were more fun to be around. I’ll grant her that, but it’s not like the competition was tough. I mean, who wouldn’t choose Aras and Danielle over Mr. Constipation, Mr. Psycho, and Miss Psycho? As the reward winners arrive, they begin talking about the challenge and how Courtney swept the bad categories.
For their part, Shane and Courtney are not laughing. (Neither is Bruce, but then, Bruce isn’t doing much of anything by this point.) Courtney says she was hurt by what people said and that she cares what other people think about her. This shocks Shane. His shock shocks her. He is shocked that she is shocked that he is shocked. They then shock the monkey. Shane says the questions were stupid, but Courtney says they were hurtful and she doesn’t want to be there anymore. In confessional Shane tells us Courtney takes stuff too personally.
Meanwhile, Bruce is feeling even worse than he had and decides to lie down. Shane begins to get concerned.
We quickly jump to the reward, where Aras, Danielle, and Cirie have stuffed themselves. They are busy discussing Shane and Courtney, and Danielle remarks that Courtney has a crush on Shane.
Why do I have no trouble envisioning Courtney moving from one psychotic boyfriend to the next in a never-ending quest for the perfect man to hit her and make it feel like love? Cirie offers that she is not going to be well-liked at camp, which prompts Aras to tell her he likes her and Danielle to tell her she loves her. They then strip and proceed with a sexfest that would rival the M-F-F scenes in “Crackers, Whores, and Sistahs Volume III”.
Man, will I feel stupid if that turns out to be an actual movie.
Anyway, the point is that love, or at least an alliance, is in the air.
Back at camp, Bruce’s condition is worsening. Courtney offers to sing to him to help ease his pain. Bruce, despite his pain, counters that he really doesn’t need Courtney to sing, thanks. That doesn’t stop her, and her mangled vocal stylings are enough to force Bruce to ask for the paramedics.
The not-quit boat soon arrives, and an episode of ER breaks out. They assess him, take his vitals, and start an IV. They also make the decision to pull him out of camp. They load him onto a stretcher, then ask Shane to help him carry the stretcher to the boat. Thank God for pixilation! Shane, as is his wont, is running around the camp naked. The magic of television saves us from having to laugh at him. As the boat takes off, Courtney and Shane snipe at each other a little longer, then fall on each other and fuck like rabbits.
Which Courtney will later boil in the camp pot.
So we break for commercial, only eight minutes past the half hour. Burnett is obviously playing with the timing to make this particular show seem more substantial than it is. We come back to a brief cutaway at Exile Island. Terry has finished his landscaping and is putting the finishing touches on the pool area. How he loves his home away from home!
Back at camp, Shane and Courtney start off wondering about Bruce but quickly turn to talking gameplay. Shane tells her he needs her vote, and asks her just to promise it to him instead of obsessing about everything. He adds that if she crosses him, he drive to her apartment in L.A. and kill her. He repeats it for emphasis, then says he was joking and that she shouldn’t take things so seriously.
Uh, Shane? When the guy with the Henry Lee Lucas look to him starts talking about killing you, it’s hard to take as a joke.
Courtney says Shane is obnoxious, he tells her not to be so sensitive, and then they fall on each other again like the Sam-Diane, David-Maddy, Ernie-Bert couple they are. Afterwards, in confessional, Shane says she is the perfect final two opponent.
Uh, Shane? See that guy in the mirror? The guy who looks like you? That’s the perfect final two opponent.
The reward winners return, but no one from camp comes to meet them. Cirie thinks it’s because they are mad, but we all know it’s because Shane and Courtney are fucking again. When they get to the camp area, they find out about Bruce. Courtney then flips some random shit their way about the reward trip.
Aras, in confessional, comments that Shane looks like some wild animal. We see Shane tell Aras that he (Shane) is now going to play the game and everyone else should watch out cause he is going to do what he has to do and he is the best there is and what he does. Sorry. That last part was from Wolverine.
Shane continues ranting to Aras while Danielle and Cirie watch. Danielle makes the most pertinent comment of all. She asks if Shane ever played sports, offering that if you do you realize you win some and you lose some and if you lose, you get over it. I’m sure Shane was too busy in high school writing manifestos and visiting gun shows to ever play sports.
Eventually Cirie talks with Shane in an attempt to heal the problems. She swears she is staying with him in the game and that he has nothing to worry about with her votes. This talk finally appears to appease him, though he tells us in confessional it was all a plan to take control of Aras and Cirie so he can win the game. Wait? Isn’t this the same Shane who was surprised when he was voted person most likely to incorrectly believe they had control of the game?
Another commercial break, the second of the half hour. The timing is definitely off. We come back and Courtney is again violating Bruce’s zen garden, this time in tribute to him. Not to be outdone, Danielle tells us that Bruce was her father figure and that she put her tiny hand in his. Oh yes. She will be the one who loves him until the end of time.
The not-quit boat comes back, this time with Terry and Probst. For some reason, the fact that Terry is riding with Probst seems to bother Cirie and several others. As they get off the boat, someone asks if Terry knows about Bruce. He says he hasn’t heard anything, and Probst says he will tell them all what is going on back at camp.
Everyone sits and Probst fills Terry in on what happened. He then gives the update, saying that Bruce’s whole digestive system was blocked. Bruce will be okay, but he will not return to the game.
He then tells them there will be no immunity challenge, no tribal council, and they have the afternoon off. He mentions he is going to use the time to “pork Julie.” In confessional, Terry offers that Bruce was a warrior, bang bang he was a warrior. Terry says no one else could have stayed as long as Bruce did with the pain he had, though if you think about it, if Bruce hadn’t waited so long to ask for medical attention, maybe he could have been treated and returned to the game. Points to ponder. We fade out on a shot of the rock garden.
While we get a family shot, we don’t get any parting comments. Rather, we get a film clip of Bruce highlights to that “Had a bad day” song from Idol. And with that, we fade into the lights of Vegas.
On the next Survivor, Shane takes a trip to Cloud Cuckoo Land, complete with funny music from the editors. Jeff reaches into his pocket at the challenge, perhaps to compare dick sizes with Shane. And Cirie faces a monster, which appears to be a fish about the size of a envelope.
Oh, and because I can:
¶ 3:32 PM 
Comments:
<< Home
I'm just sad bruce got the boot b/c it messed up my predictions I made at the beginning of the season.
--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com
--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com
Brilliant, as always. Thanks, Dweeze!
Oh, and don't worry. I think they stopped at Crackers, Whores and Sistahs Volume II. There was no way to top that M-M-F-G-C scene.
Post a Comment
Oh, and don't worry. I think they stopped at Crackers, Whores and Sistahs Volume II. There was no way to top that M-M-F-G-C scene.
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home
