Friday, April 28, 2006
Episode Eleven: Terry and the Casayans
Previously on Survivor:
You know, I thought this bit with the previous, where I opened the summary with a previously on a TV show other than Survivor (or whatever show I was writing about), was cool. But it’s gotten old. I’ve pushed the bit well beyond the humor limit, and I struggle now to think of a previously on that is cool and funny and, more importantly, appeals to…
Wait.
I may have another.
Previously on Survivor:
Plankton stole King Neptune’s crown and framed Mr. Krabs for the crime. Spongebob and Patrick decide to go on a quest to retrieve the crown from Shell City, the place no one comes from. They find the crown and ride the Hasselhoff back to Bikini Bottom.
Sorry. That was previously on the Spongebob Squarepants Movie.
Previously on Survivor.
Courtney was forced to eat a lot of shit, Shane yelled a lot of shit, and Bruce was unable to shit. It was the latter problem that forced him to leave the show prematurely, which probably wasn’t the first time Bruce has done something prematurely.
Bad-a-bing! Thanks folks. I’ll be here all week.
Or at least it seems like it.
Anyway, Gitmo. Day 28. Shane drops a Koran into the outhouse, while Danielle rubs her breasts against Terry’s back in an effort to break him and tell her the whereabouts of the private immunity idol.
Sorry. That was offensive. And unfunny as well, which is far worse.
Gitmo. Day 28. We open with Terry in the water, fishing. Aras is also preparing to fish. Later, they will take their cocks out to measure whose is larger, then collapse into each other’s arms.
Sorry. I did a similar joke last week. I’d start again, but I’m not sure it would get any better.
Anyway, Terry, in confessional, tells us he needs to make some allies. Ya think? On the other hand, things are going pretty well for him so far being the only one left. He adds that Bruce leaving the game for medical reasons has helped him because he got to skip an immunity challenge. Perhaps, but you could also look a Bruce leaving as hurting him. Bruce was the next out at the challenge, Shane got neglected by Cirie for reward, and Courtney was the target of all the negative comments. It was the perfect situation to try to get those three together to shift gears and vote out one of Cirie, Aras, and Danielle.
Back at camp, Shane decides to go to his thinking rock. The thinking rock thing is bad enough. But Shane has found a piece of wood the approximate shape of a PDA, and he is now referring to it as his Blackberry. He goes through a list of features, including texting, e-mail, phone, and web access. He is sending messages to his business partner and receiving messages from his son.
Now, with most people, you would think it was just a playful bit to lighten things up. But Shane normally acts nuts enough to make you wonder if he really doesn’t believe he is communicating with people not on the island, or, for that matter, in this dimension.
I remember the great debate during Amazon – was Unterboat Capitan (® Landru) Matt really crazy or putting on an act? I was firmly in the putting on an act camp (not to mention firmly in the Putting On The Ritz camp)
The Co-Leaders of the Putting On The Ritz camp
But Shane? Dood’s nuts. Absolute crackers.
In confessional, Shane also tells us that his Blackberry is “My other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend...he’s my life.”
And don’t think the rest of the camp hasn’t noticed it. Everyone walks around Shane a little slowly, treating him like the crazy relative at Thanksgiving.
Cut to the reward challenge. It’s water-rope-obstacle course time. The survivors will be divided into two teams of three. Each will be attached to a rope that runs through the obstacle course. The rope twists over and over itself, goes into the water, then out of the water onto a platform, goes around posts, up and over and back again over boards in the water. You get the idea. The teams have to follow the rope until they get to a floating platform. There they detach from the rope and, one at a time, cross a series of smaller floating platforms until they reach another platform. From here they dive into the water to retrieve a bag in a box in the water. Once all three bags are retrieved, they attach back to the rope, then follow it back over the course and dropping their bags on shore.
You know, you think Burnett would find easier ways to smuggle drugs. But whatever.
Do you want to know what we’re playing for? Sure you do. It’s the obligatory plane ride-barbecue. You know the drill by now.
Anyway, since the challenge has been explained, it’s time for the random drawing of teams. On one side, we have Terry, Danielle, and Courtney. On the other we have Aras, Shane, and Cirie.
Did anyone on the show staff really think these teams are fair? On the other hand, is there any combination of three survivors that you could place Cirie on and not have that team have an incredible disadvantage? I think not. I mean, who could you place her with and still have a fighting chance on this challenge? No offense meant, but the woman has lost less weight than Hurley.
= 
?
As expected, the only suspense to the challenge is whether or not Shane and Aras are going to be able to get Cirie out of the water and onto the first platform. Terry, Danielle, and Courtney get so far ahead of Shane, Aras, and Cirie that the latter group barely reaches the second floating platform before the first team completes the course.
Probst proclaims them the winners, then offers them the obligatory choice of who to send to Exile Island.
Now, as entertaining as it would have been to see Cirie or Shane on Exile Island, Terry does the smart thing and convinces Danielle and Courtney that they should send Aras to try to drain his energy. Aras is taken off, and Cirie and Shane are sent back to camp. So time for reward, right?
WRONG!!!!!
It’s time for another challenge. Probst fishes in his pocket, then pulls out the keys to his hotel room. The winner of this challenge gets to spend the night with Julie! Please let it be Danielle. Please!
Sorry. My bad. The winner gets a GMC Yukon. That’s probably more appropriate, but it’s certainly more dull.
The challenge is to use a slingshot to break your tiles. Each of the three has three tiles. The first person to break all three tiles gets the Yukon.
Terry has to be the favorite here, but if I’m Terry, no way am I winning this challenge. I’m shooting into the woods, into the ground, into the air, into other people’s targets. There is nothing to gain for Terry by winning the challenge and everything to gain by letting someone else win. Particularly someone like Danielle. No way Danielle doesn’t follow Terry’s orders for life if he lets her win the Yukon.
But no, though it doesn’t go as quickly as I thought it would, Terry does eventually win.
Now it’s off to their own private island, where Terry’s Yukon, and a feast of steak, sausages, soft drinks, and chocolate cake await them.
Mmmm. Steak. I think I need to eat lunch.
Meanwhile, Aras has arrived at Exile Island. He knows there is no Idol there, so he doesn’t even have that to look for. Just him and his arrow.
So, how boring has the Exile Island thing become? This is the only bit of Aras at Exile Island. The only one. It’s like he had a blockage and was just removed from the game for a few days. Further, I’m betting that if it weren’t for Burnett screaming at them to include an Exile Island shot or else, the editors would have left it out. It’s filler, it’s overdone. Dood is on the island. Nothing to search for, just Aras being alone. The end.
And considering this group, he probably really didn’t mind the being alone part. The part that completely drains your energy? Sucks. But the part about being separated from the other Casayans (and Terry)? Rocks.
Jump back to the reward. The plane touches down and Terry finds his Yukon. He proclaims it “righteous,” and back home his son throws up a little in his mouth. Terry adds that his wife told him to come back with at least a car. And some milk. And garbage can liners. She gave him a whole list, actually.
Anyway, they pile in and drive to the beach. Terry lights the grill, starts the meat cooking, then sits down to talk with Courtney. As they talk, Danielle stands by the Yukon and plays with a soccer ball by herself. She looks for all the world like a little kid playing while the grown-ups talk.
And do they talk. Courtney opens by saying how nice it is to be on the winning side of the challenge, and she refers to the three of them as the Dream Team. Terry immediately picks up on this, saying that they should be the final three. Courtney agrees, and mentions that if Terry does all the work, the three of them will be able to take out Aras first, then Shane, then Cirie.
In confessional, Courtney says that she’s been trying to figure out a way to get Terry to the final two because she would have a good shot of winning against him. Courtney hon, let’s talk. Everyone wants to take you to the final two because they know you would get fewer votes than the aforementioned U-Boat Captain. Hell, Court, if there was a way that you could be both in the final two and on the jury, you wouldn’t vote for yourself.
The meal is cooked, and the grown-ups tell Danielle to come inside, wash her hands, and sit at the table. After she does, they fill her in on the plan. She agrees with it, then in confessional say that she has to change up Terry’s strategy.
Back at Gitmo, Shane tells Cirie that they can talk openly about strategy since everyone else is gone. Then he offers to show her his cock. She demurs politely, and he drops the subject.
But not his cock.
He mentions that if Terry wins immunity, they need to get Aras to vote Danielle off. Cirie mentions voting Courtney off, and Shane says that either of them could beat Court at final two, proving that Shane isn’t completely deranged.
Yet.
In confessional, Cirie says that Courtney may be more dangerous than Terry because everyone will want to take her to the final two. Uhm, Cirie? That should include you, hon, cause Courtney and Shane are the only two people you can beat. But she doesn’t look at it that way, and decides Courtney must go next.
Something about standing there as Shane stands with his cock in her hand reminds her of worms, tiny, tiny worms, and Cirie decides to go fishing. She takes the small pole, the line, and a snail, and heads off to the water. She says she used to go fishing with her dad. She adds that everyone else has tried, and now she wants to as well.
Cirie gets to the beach, and proceeds to kill the snail for bait. Well, proceeds implies a speed to it that is belied by reality. Let’s say she eventually kills the snail for bait. She hooks it on the line, then tosses the bait and line into the water. With a speed rivaling the speed with which ovens bake on Emeril, Cirie has caught a fish. It’s a big fish, as opposed to Big Fish.
Cirie did not catch this Big FishShe also did not catch these big fish
Cirie drags the fish back to camp, giving it a nice sand breading. She tells Shane she has a birthday present for him, then shows him her fish.
No, that’s not code.
He is surprised, then hugs her and tells her how proud he is. Shane says that Captain America has been trying for three weeks to get a fish but Cirie gets one on her first try. He then adds that Iron Man will be proud when he gets back from Exile Island, but predicts that Sue Storm and Ms. Marvel will not be as excited.
The reward winners show up, and Cirie wants them to see her fish.
No, that’s not code.
Cut to the next day. Danielle wants to talk to Terry. She says she realizes Courtney is the best final two opponent, and wants assurances that Terry isn’t committed to taking Courtney over her. She says over and over that she doesn’t want to be third.
See, Courtney is such an obvious choice even Danielle can figure it out.
Terry doesn’t want to make a promise that he might break later, so he tells Danielle that the three of them should make a pact – the final two will be the people who come in first and second in the final challenge. Danielle agrees that this is a fair approach, and I think Terry is actually sincere about it. I think he realizes that he can’t alienate any possible votes by making promises he needs to break.
Danielle tells Courtney, and she’s immediately hesitant. Danielle doesn’t help her cause by saying that the plan means no one gets a free ride to the final two. Courtney takes offense, saying that anyone who gets to the final two has earned it.
Right. Tell that to Vee.
Anyway, Courtney goes on and on about this, telling Danielle she was being insulting.
Now, I’m no Danielle fan. And she doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb in the fridge. But I don’t think she meant anything by the comment, at least not anything to merit getting an earful from Courtney.
Courtney is so loud, Cirie can hear her. She immediately corners Danielle and gets her to confess. Danielle tells her of the plan, and Cirie responds by convincing her (not that it takes a gargantuan effort to sway Danielle’s mind) that Terry is never going to honor the pledge and that, no matter how the final immunity challenge ends up, Terry is taking Courtney with him.
Okay, on to the immunity challenge. It’s Rube Goldberg contraption time again. That or Eros Boutique contraption time. Each survivor kneels on a plank. They are grabbing onto two ropes, one in each hand, that, through a complex system of pulleys, are holding 20% of their body weight. The weights are just above a lever connected to their plank. If the ropes slip out of there hands, the weights hit the lever, and their plank collapses, dumping them into the water and ontop of the mouse. Every fifteen minutes, 10% more of their body weight will be added to the ropes.
The Eros Boutique Immunity Challenge
The survivors are weighed in and take their places. Shane, Cirie, Aras, and Terry all have 34 pounds on their lines, meaning they each weigh approximately 170 pounds. Right. Sure. Courtney and Danielle have 24 pounds, meaning they each weigh approximately 120 pounds.
I can do math!
Shane struggles immediately, dropping into the water before the first fifteen minutes are up. He doesn’t even outlast Cirie, though, to be fair, there is no chance that she weighs the same amount as he does. Cirie is the next out, then Danielle. Aras tries to stay in, but being exiled takes his toll. All that masturbating really wears a fellow out. Trust me on this one. So it’s down to just Courtney and Terry.
I don’t think Courtney has any idea how much more than Terry she needs this immunity. She stays with it a long time, but despite Shane’s constant yells that Terry is almost done, Terry shows no sign of fatigue and Courtney finally gives up.
I just want to take a minute to say good on Terry. Dood is 39 days younger than me, and yet he is kicking the ass of all the younger survivors.
Back at camp, Terry tells us in confessional that it’s great to have immunity again. No shit, Sherlock? I mean, isn’t your only hope winning immunity every time so you don’t have to use the “get out of snuffing card free” idol? Terry further offers that Aras has to know he is the target.
We see Cirie and Courtney talking, and Cirie convinces Courtney that she is down with the plan. She tells her not to say anything to Shane because she is sure he wouldn’t agree and that there would be too much fallout.
The two proceed to talk to Shane and Aras, and the four agree they will all vote for Danielle. Cirie then gets Aras and Danielle alone, fills them in on all that has happened, and say that they need to vote out Courtney because of the danger she poses. Aras appreciates the fact that Cirie has his back, neglecting to mention that he also appreciates her removing the one person Cirie could beat in the final two. Danielle, of course, will do whatever the last person talking to her before tribal council tells her to do.
Off to tribal council! The survivors arrive, and Jeff brings in the jurors. There’s Austin, and Sally, and a visibly lighter Bruce. Apparently he’s been rotor-rooted since he left the tribe. Jeff wastes no time getting into it.
Jeff: Terry. You’re making me forget Andrew Savage.
Savage: Thank fucking God!
Terry: Thanks Jeff, and thanks for not mentioning the Yukon thing.
Shane, Cirie, Aras: The Hell?
Danielle: Oops. Forgot to tell you that Daddy, I mean Terry, won a car after winning the reward.
Terry: (Patting her head.) Good girl.
Jeff: So was it nice to go off with two hot, at least by the tribe’s standards, girls?
Terry: It was great to have a chance to put the game aside for a while.
Cirie: (Standing.) Oh no you deedn’t. This boy never puts the game aside. He’s been playing harder than Kobe in Colorado this whole time. Can I get a whoop whoop jurors?
Jurors: (Crickets chirp. Bruce snores. Austin is tickling Sally’s feet.)
Jeff: Okay, Terry, you’re the only person to wear the individual immunity this time around. Anyone trying to get close?
Terry: No Jeff, everyone here is really tight.
Jeff, Terry, Aras, and Shane: (All turn to look at Cirie, Courtney, and Danielle, then) Bwahahahahahahahah!
Aras: Good one. Yeah, we’re close, but it’s time for one of us to go and there’s a big target on my back.
(Insert last week’s big target joke here.)
Jeff: It’s interesting, Aras. You’re a threat to everyone, but you’re the only person on this island, including all the crew, who has a chance to bet Terry in an individual immunity. If you get voted off, the rest of them should just let Terry pick his final two partner now.
Aras: From your mouth to God’s ears, Jeff. From your mouth to God’s ears.
Jeff: Shane, are you basing your vote on who you want to face in the final two?
Shane: Well, it’s time to eat one of our own, but it’s early to be thinking about endgame.
Jeff: Right. I’m sure you haven’t considered that yet at all. Danielle, how does all this talk of strategy and voting make you feel?
Danielle: My brain feels like it is about to explode.
Jeff: (Pats her head.) Of course it does. Fortunately, that won’t cause much more damage than the average sparkler. Courtney, how did it feel last week to find out everyone hates you?
Courtney: Well Jeff, it really made me
Jeff: Shut up. I hate you too. Let’s vote!
Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!
We see a remarkable number of votes – everyone but Aras and Danielle. Cirie cites her unwillingness to settle for fourth or third as a reason to vote for Courtney. Terry cites Aras’ strength and ability, plus their unrequited love, as the reason for his vote. Shane writes down Danielle’s name and says now she won’t ever have to hear him yell at her again. I didn’t realize he was such a thoughtful guy. Finally, Courtney votes Aras for strategic reasons but adds that he is so beautiful.
So that’s two Aras, one Courtney, and one Danielle. After the tallyman tally the banavotes, the final score us Aras, Aras, Danielle, Courtney, Courtney, Courtney. Courtney looks shocked. Shane looks shocked. Terry looks a touch surprised, though not incredibly so. Jeff tells the remaining survivors that there is no doubt that this is now an individual game. We go to commercial, and Courtney’s parents, Muffy and August, say they miss her and can’t wait to go sailing with her at the beach.
As we fade into a Vegas wedding, Courtney says that she was completely surprised by the boot. She adds that her sisters got her. That’s right. Sisters are doing it for themselves.
Time to go. But not before I leave you with this from Deadspin.
¶ 4:58 PM 
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