Survivor Cook Island

Episode Thirteen – The One With The Worst Wet T-Shirt Contest Ever

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor

Hmm. I wonder if anyone wrote the MOST AWESOME SUMMARY IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMARY WRITING about last week’s episode? Oh, and Candice got booted.

We open at camp after tribal council. Jonathan tells us that he was called all kinds of names, and that he is now the bad guy. He says no one knows what it’s like to be the bad guy, to be the sad guy, behind blue eyes. Roger Daltrey does, Jonathan. Roger Daltrey does. Anyway, he adds that everyone else is acting like he is the only one who lied, he is the only one who tried to manipulate things his way, but they all know it’s not true. Still, he’s going to keep his chin up and keep punching, and he’s not going to let a bunch of kids keep him down. Or ruin his lawn. Or hide his paper.

Next morning, the women are chopping coconuts, just like womenfolk should. Parvati, unfamiliar with the concept of work, decides to chop her thumb off. You know, just for kicks. The quick thinking cameramen spring to work, making sure they get their shots and ignore the contestant writhing in pain. Eventually the crack Survivor medical team arrives and the doctor leaves Parvati in stitches. Literally. He sews up her thumb, puts a bandage and wrap on it, then has an administrative assistant ask her for her co-payment.

Cut to the reward challenge. The survivors walk in, and Jeff asks Parvati about her thumb. She gives him a thumb’s up, and he asks if she can get it wet. He’s apparently talking about the thumb, but you never know for sure. No, he does mean the thumb, because the challenge involves water. The survivors must fill a bucket from the lagoon, then dump the water into another bucket. That bucket is attached to a lever which is attached to a pole which has a flag attached to it. When the bucket has enough water in it, the bucket will drop, pulling the pole and the flag up. The pole must touch the wood base in order to have the flag raised completely. The first person to touch wood and get their flag fully erect wins reward and gets to both eat out in a spectacular cave and eject someone to exile. And yes, that’s all code.

This is either the easiest challenge ever or there is some complication coming. Hmm. Seven people and one episode left after tonight before the finale. Can you say family visit? Of course you can, and you should.

First out is Jonathan’s wife, director Stacy Title. You may know her from such hits as The Devil Wear Black (see the discussion in the previous summary of this cinematic masterpiece), Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror, and The Last Supper. Hey! I had actually heard of The Last Supper, the film where a bunch of leftists kill rightwingers. (See the trailer here, after a brief Moviefone commercial. Look for a bearded Jonathan as Marc being taken hostage, killing Bill Paxton, and then a quick shot after Cameron Diaz.) Next out is Parvati’s dad Mike; Adam’s dad George; Becky’s sister Sarah, who was given two mules by the production staff; Yul’s brother Godwin, er, Paul; Ozzy’s mom Gina, seemingly fresh from her shift at the strip club; and Sundra’s mom, Jeanette.

Our family members are the complicating factor to the challenge. The survivors will be have to toss the water they pull out of the lagoon to their family member, who will then toss the water into the bucket attached to the pole with the flag. The winning survivor will get to enjoy the reward with their family member.

I just realized something. This is honestly and truly a family visit; we have four parents, two siblings, one spouse, and no best friends/fiancées/business partners/in-laws/guys-coming-to-tell-us-our-grandmother-died-in-order-to-scam-the-other-contestants.

Just in case this wasn’t difficult enough, the survivor will be blindfolded, relying only on the verbal cues of the family member to get the water in the bucket. Sadly, I think the chances of anyone saying “It’s puts the water in the bucket or it gets the hose again” are slim.

Survivors ready? Begin. And with that, the worst wet t-shirt contest ever begins. Our only clue on the status of the challenge is Jeff’s commentary. He tells us that Ozzy-Gina, Parvati-Mike, and Jonathan-Staci are all doing well. He then helpfully points out to the other contestants that Staci is wringing the water out of her shirt into the bucket. This prompts Gina to do the same thing, which enables us to see the worst unpixalated thing on the show since we saw Lillian swimming. Gina leans into the bucket and tries to sassily, and sexily, wring water out of her shirt into the bucket.

I have to confess I’m not sure what happened next, because I was too busy trying to unsee what I had just seen. Somehow, Parvati and her dad, Mike, pulled out the win. In a move no one was surprised by, she chooses to send Jonathan to Exile Island, causing everyone to dance. Dance, everyone!



Staci doesn’t get to accompany Jonathan to Exile Island, which is probably a good thing. The two of them would have had an impromptu conjugal visit, and none of us wants to see that. Instead, Jonathan kisses her and walks off to the no-longer-quit-boat. Probst then tells Parvati that two others and their family members will go on the reward with her, but that her dad will choose who they are. Ozzy and Yul! Ozzy and Yul! Nope, he picks Sundra and Adam.

You know, this next bit is the same stuff we’ve seen before. A bunch of folks who haven’t been to camp before come to camp and learn something special about their loved ones. They then go to a reward. A bunch of talking is done about the person not there. The only thing unique is that, while Adam, Parvati, and Sundra are off at the reward, Yul, Ozzy, and Becky decide to hide all the food. It’s one of the coolest, and best, strategic decisions anyone has ever made in the game. Why feed your competitors? They immediately drop the plan, however, when Adam, Parvati, and Sundra return from the reward with a bag full of extra food. And a pocketful of kryptonite.



Okay, immunity challenge time. This one involves racing out over the lagoon on a series of floating obstacles, retrieving a bundle of sticks, then racing back. They have to do this twice, getting two bundles. Once both bundles are back, they use the sticks to make a long pole (heh), then use their long pole (heh heh) to retrieve two rings. If at any point they fall into the water, they have to go back to the beach and start that trip again. I’m not sure why they don’t just give the damn idol to Ozzy right now and be done with it.

Indeed, Ozzy gets off to fast start. Yul does too, but he quickly falls into the water. Becky, Parvati, and Sundra have apparently realized they can’t possibly win, preferring instead to try to keep from getting wet. It’s a wise course of action, because Yul is the only other person to get both bundles of sticks back to the beach by the time Ozzy has gotten his long pole (heh) together and won immunity. The only truly fun thing about the challenge was hearing Jeff talk about Ozzy getting his pole together (heh heh), wondering if Ozzy’s pole was long enough (heh heh heh), and then wondering if Yul could get his pole together before Ozzy was able to slip his pole into the key rings (heh heh heh heh - Aw, hell. Let’s just turn it over to the experts.



All right. Time for the usual pre-tribal council bullshit. Jonathan’s loser sense tells him something has changed around camp. We get several shots of people blatantly ignoring him when he asks them questions. Both he and Adam approach Yul, pleading their cases. Their cases, on the other hand, say nothing on their own behalf. It’s all pretty standard maneuvering, and I can’t really get too worked up about it. Let’s just go to tribal council.

Jeff: Apparently Dweeze wants to cover ten minutes of show with one paragraph. Can’t say I blame him. Parvati, which was better, spending time with your dad or getting the good food?

Parvati: My dad, Jeff. I can’t fuck food. Except for bananas and certain squashes, of course. Oh, and one time a baguette. But I was young, and in an experimental phase.

Jeff: Oh kay. Moving on. Why send Jonathan to Exile? Did you consider anyone else?

Parvati: I’m a moron, Jeff, but even I’m not that dumb.

Jeff: Ozzy, was camp life with Jonathan the bestest, most glorious day ever or the most glorious, bestest day ever?

Ozzy: Both Jeff. Both.

Jeff: What have you learned about yourself, Jonathan?

Jonathan: That I’m okay, and they’re all jerks. I deserve to be here! Tell me why I don’t deserve to be here!

Adam: You don’t deserve to be here because you are a constant flopper and it’s frustrating to see my friends and former teammates on the jury.

Dweeze: You stup-

Jonathan: I got it Dweeze. Your teammates? You mean like Brad, Jenny, and Rebecca?

Jeff: Yul, do you want to say anything stupid you will regret later?

Yul: Sure, Jeff. I have the idol and I am in control. Everyone must bow down before me. I am the biggest threat to win it all!

Allrighty then, time to vote. Who should they vote for, Adam or Jonathan? I know. They need to vote for the instant karma party right now! Hit it!



Votes are cast, tallied, and read. In that order, because it wouldn’t make sense any other way. Jonathan is the one going, much to his surprise. Adam and Candice eye-fuck at the news, although when Candice eye-says-call-me, Adam looks away. Jeff snuffs Jonathan’s torch, Jonathan asks that he get his hat back (he didn’t bring his stuff with him to tribal), and Jeff tells us that trust should be an issue for everyone left in the game. Right. Like it wasn’t before.

On the next Survivor, Adam and Parvati were apparently lying when they said that if Jonathan were voted out, they wouldn’t try to advance their own cause any. I’m shocked – SHOCKED – that these two might go back on their word. On, and Yul is apparently scared of Ozzy. He should be, of course, because at this point I don’t see how Ozzy doesn’t win this thing.

As we fade into people stuck in cement in Vegas, Jonathan tells us that the others were terrible liars and that they should have told him to his face that he was going. He rants for so long, I half-expected the orchestra to start playing to cut him off. He says that now they’ll have a peaceful camp, but they’ll have to deal with the fact that everyone back stabs, not just him, and that four of them will join him on the jury.

Awww. Sounds like Jonathan needs some cheering up. Here’s a little something to say goodbye to him by.

  ¶ 2:52 PM