Survivor Cook Island

Episode Twelve – The One With The Self-Absorbed Bitches and A Ton of Videos

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

Jonathan, in one of the best pieces of gameplay we’ve seen in several seasons, jumped ship (again) in order to improve his chances in the game. We anticipate that this will not go over well with his former tribemates. Let’s look in!

We open at camp after tribal council. Do you suppose they ever want to just go out to the Ground Round after tribal council, get some beers and appetizers, and relax? Yeah, probably not. Too long of a walk. Anyway, Jonathan tells us that he would rather see Aitu win that his former Raro tribemates, and that he believes he made the right choice in switching. Right on both scores, Jonathan.

We next see Sundra, Ozzy, and Yul talking,. Sundra says it was tough to contain herself when she saw the stunned looks on the faces of Raro. Yul says in confessional that he wanted to use the idol in a way that would change the game in his favor. It speaks volumes that he was able to put the idol into play without ever actually putting the idol into play. That’s what brains will get you.

Speaking of brains, or more precisely, the lack thereof, we cut to Parvati lecturing Jonathan about integrity. That’s like W. lecturing Glenn Greenwald about the importance of the Constitution. Anyway, Parvati begins by telling Jonathan that no one likes him and that she hopes he’ll be happy with second place, because he isn’t going to win. Let’s do the math, shall we? Now, I for one do not necessarily believe, as Jonathan does, that Jonathan would have been Aitu’s target if he had declined Yul’s offer to jump ship. Aitu has played a great strategic game, and if Jonathan had declined, I think they probably would have targeted Adam in a “get-rid-of-the-guy-who-can-win-individual-immunity-challenges” vote. Besides, you would want to keep him around to try to get him to flop again when it was 4-4 between the tribes. But Jonathan was going to go soon, and he would not have lasted until second place. Indeed, if Yul did not have the idol, and the Raro’s had been able to pull a straight Pagonging and eliminate the four Aituans before voting off a Raro, Jonathan would have, at best, made it to fifth place, and if you ask me, even that is doubtful, because they probably would have decided, when they had a 5-2 vote advantage, to vote him out then. So yes Parvati, I imagine Jonathan is quite happy that he was able to advance his position in the game by flipping sides.

But is that the end of the bullshit trickling out of her mouth? Not a chance. She then tells him that she is disappointed in him, that his betrayals are vile to her, that they make her sick to her stomach. Well, Parvati, just how do you suppose that Brad, Rebecca, and Jenny feel about the way you betrayed them?

But does it end there? Not a chance. Parvati then tells us in confessional that she wanted to throw up all over Jonathan’s face, but, she didn’t because usually when she does that it costs the client an extra five bills and she wasn’t going to do it to Jonathan for free.

We cut back to Jonathan telling her, and the just-arrived Adam, that if he hadn’t switched, he would have been the next one gone. Parvati scoffs at this notion, just as she scoffs at the idea that there are people in the world who have to mow their own lawns and do their own shopping. Jonathan tries to patiently explain that Yul had the idol, that if Jonathan hadn’t switched the Aituans would have voted for Jonathan and that, when Yul played the idol, Jonathan would have gone home. Parvati once again opens her mouth to say Yul didn’t have the idol, at which point Jonathan tells her that Yul did have the idol, that he showed it to him. And then he pointed out on the doll where Yul touched him. This shuts her up, for all five seconds, at which point she tells Jonathan she doesn’t believe a word he says about anything, particularly not about that sun rising in the east thing.

Cut to the next morning, where for some reason Parvati has asked Sundra to show her how to clean fish. Jonathan says in confessional that it’s 28 days in and this is the first time Parvati has shown any interest in helping.

Another cut, this time to Adam, who tells us that Jonathan sucks at life. That may be, but he certainly knows more about Survivor than you do, Adam.

Now, I don’t know about you, but all this bitching has made me hungry for a reward challenge. And Survivor does not disappoint, giving us not just a reward challenge, but the ever-popular, ever-thrilling auction reward. Yippee! Hot auction action!

Jeff gives everyone $500, at which point Parvati throws up in his face. Sorry. That’s a more disturbing image than I had thought it would be. There’s a new rule this time. Although Survivors can still borrow money from each other, auction items cannot be shared. As always, the auction can end without warning at any time. Also as always, it is an exhibition, not a competition. Please. No wagering.

The first item up for bid is unknown. The bidding goes up until Jonathan bids $100. This is the winning bid, and the item is a hot dog, fries, and a beer. Hmm. Hot dog, fries, and a beer for $100. They must have picked the item up at Wrigley. Jonathan picks the food up, takes it back to his spot, and promptly spills beer all over Adam and Candice.

The next item is a bubble bath and a piece of chocolate cake. Parvati, who wants to be the girl with the most cake, opens the bidding. A bidding war opens between her, Ozzy, and Adam, then Jonathan steps in and bids $300. Parvati goes to $320, Jonathan to $340, and Parvati wins it at $360. Jeff questions whether Jonathan really wanted the item or if he just wanted Parvati to spend all money. We are then treated to an emaciated Parvati taking a bath, and for all the negative things I said earlier, I will say her body is natural.

The next item is also unknown, but there is a paw print on it, so we are given a clue. A clue, a clue! We’ll need our handy, dandy notebook! We’re all going to pay Jeff’s clues, cause it’s a really great game. The clue says “this item will give you power in the game”. Jonathan opens with a bid of $400, his remaining money. Candice responds with a bid of $500, all her money. Becky asks Yul for a loan, then bids $600. Parvati, from the bathtub, asks why Becky needs power because the Aituans have the numbers. This is the sort of highly-advanced strategic thinking that helped Raro go from an eight to four advantage to a five to three disadvantage.

Candice asks Adam for a loan, then bids $620. Becky responds with a $640 bid, and Candice goes no higher. Uhm, Candice. Do you really think that some power in the game isn’t worth bidding as much as you possibly can? Apparently not, because Becky’s $640 bid takes it. Jeff hands her the item, which is a note telling her that she gets to send one person to Exile Island and take their money. By this time, not only do all the Aituans say “Candice” in unison, so does every crew member, Jeff, any passing natives, and all local fauna. The Aituans are so happy to see Candice go, the can’t help but dance! (Hat tip to Firedoglake.)



Candice hands Becky her money, then prepares to take off. Jeff tells her that at least she can search for the hidden immunity idol, prompting laughter from everyone. Candice says she knows where the idol is, and Yul pops up, saying he wants to end all suspense and say that he has the idol. Jeff asks for him to show it, meaning that Yul has now shown his immunity idol (not code) to every living person on the island. Jeff asks why he was willing to reveal that, and Yul explains that he wanted to save the idol until he could make a game-changing move with it and that, he had already made a game-changing move with it so there was no longer any reason to keep it secret.

Candice leaves, and the auction continues. Next up is a soft-serve ice cream machine. Once again Jonathan makes a huge bid, which Ozzy trumps. Ozzy shows his style, and reveals his inner child, by placing his mouth on the spigot to eat the ice cream.

This brings up another mystery item, which Jonathan wins for $240. It’s a huge slice of pizza, and he eats it in the most obnoxious manner he possibly can. I begin to wonder if Jonathan hasn’t chosen to play up his obnoxiousness in order to make him a more attractive final two candidate for the others. The item after that is another mystery, which Sundra buys for $140. It is a sea cucumber straight from the beach. After that is a toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash. Everyone chips in to allow Jonathan to buy it. After that the auction is over, and with that, the reward challenge is over.

Back to the beach after the challenge. Yul tells us it was difficult watching other people eat. Perhaps you should have spent some of your cash, then? Jonathan says nothing, just belches. Then belches again. Actually, that second belch may have been me. Nonetheless, Becky tells us she can smell the Pepperoni on his breath. I can’t wait until later, when she can tell us what she smells in his farts. She and Sundra corner Yul and ask him if he really wants to take Jonathan to the final four. Final four? Didn’t you watch last week, when Yul told Jonathan he was the perfect final two partner?

Adam and Parvati witness the threesome talking, and ponder whether this portends a fortuitous fracturing in the foundation of the Aitu alliance and, if so, if it be something that they might deftly turn to their advantage. And yes, I know that Adam and Parvati would not have understood a word I just wrote beyond in, of, and, and it. Parvati approaches Sundra and Becky and tells them that if Jonathan reaches the final four, she’ll shoot herself. They both agree that this is the best argument in favor of taking Jonathan to the final four anyone could possibly make.

Parvati leaves, and Sundra and Becky agree with her basic premise, that they don’t like Jonathan. Yul joins the discussion, and also agrees that he doesn’t like Jonathan. Jonathan then joins the discussion, and he agrees with the other three that he doesn’t like himself. But he does dislike other people more.

Cut to Candice at Exile Island. Hard to tell if this is footage from this or one of the hundred previous visits Candice made to Exile Island. I do know that the producers decided to start charging her rent there. Candice tells us in confessional, though can it really be considered a confessional when no one else is around, that she really needs immunity, which is a good a sign as any that the immunity challenge is almost here.

And now it is here. At least the treemail is, which tells everyone that they need to recall key moments in the game, because their past will affect their future. I think “their past will affect their future” was a tag line for last week’s episode of Heroes. Anyway, it appears to be a mental challenge, which means Adam and Parvati are doomed, unless of course Aitu realizes they don’t need to put any effort into winning the challenge, that instead they can blow it off and relax and watch Adam, Parvati, and Candice do all the work.

We get to challenge beach, and Jeff explains the challenge. It is a mental challenge. Jeff will ask questions, each with a number for an answer. The survivors will then add, subtract, or divide their answers to get a final number. They then open a box with that number on it. If they are correct, they get a key, which unlocks a rope, that then raises a flag. The first three to raise their flag (not code) go on to the next round, when the whole thing begins again, this time with an obstacle course between the box with the key and the flag.

The challenge begins and the four Aituans sit down to a nice brunch to work on the morning crossword puzzle. Well, not really. They all make lazy attempts to solve the puzzle, but none of them seem particularly worried about winning immunity. Jeff asks the questions, which include “How much did Cao Boi charge U.S. soldiers for a night with his sister?” and “How many venereal diseases has Flicka had in her life?” and “Expressed as a number, how gay is Brad?” Jonathan, Adam, and Parvati are able to advance to the next round, where the questions included “How much did Billy weigh?” and “How many of the beginning contestants were totally forgettable?” (this was a trick question – the answer, of course, was all of them) and “How many ‘n’’s in Stephannnnnnnie’s first name?” Thanks to Aitu’s intentional tanking, Adam is able to win this challenge.

Back at camp, Candice tells us in confessional that she is upset that it appears Jonathan will go farther in the game than her. You icky, icky Jonathan! You and your “gameplay” and “strategy” and “trying to advance your position in the game”! How dare you outlast sweet, innocent, self-absorbed Candice?

Adam, Parvati, and Candice attack, I mean, approach Yul and try to convince him that Jonathan should go next. Candice says Jonathan is a disgusting rat, which is a horrible thing to say about the executive producer of Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror and the writer, executive producer, and star of Let The Devil Wear Black.

Just because I think you all need to read it, here’s the plot summary for 1999’s Let The Devil Wear Black (courtesy of IMDB).

A college student (Jonathan Penner) launches an investigation into his wealthy father's death when he suspects his mother (Jacqueline Bisset) and his uncle (Jamey Sheridan) may have been involved. His suspicions seem cemented when the two announce their impending marriage only shortly after the death. The student's girl friend (Mary-Louise Parker) is also revealed to be increasingly unstable as the investigation progresses.

Two things to note: First, can you say Hamlet-ripoff? Second, Jonathan playing a college student in a 1999 film when he was 37 YEARS OLD? Nice cast though; Jacqueline Bisset was hot - in 1977. The shots of her swimming in The Deep fueled an 18-year old Dweeze’s fantasies on many a night.

But I digress.

All three say that Jonathan should be voted off before they go, prompting Yul to ask why they think voting Jonathan off next will help them. They say it won’t, they just want him gone, and that if Yul helps they get rid of Jonathan next, they will vote for Yul at the final tribal council. Right. You’ll just lie down, let yourselves be voted off as the next three contestants, and not make any effort to try to get someone to switch at seven people.

You know, having typed that, I don’t think any of the three of Adam, Parvati, and Candice are clever enough to be thinking that far ahead. But it’s still an absolutely idiotic suggestion to make.

Yul tells them he knows how Jonathan will act, that Jonathan is a rational self-interested player. Candice apparently takes this to be an insult. Jonathan then walks up, has a brief encounter with Adam’s coconut (once again, not code), then walks off to prepare the fish he caught. As he does so, Adam, Parvati, and Candice retire to the shelter, where Parvati gets to watch Adam and Candice make out.

Jonathan prepares his fish (also not code) and asks the Aituans if they really need to share the fish, Share The Fish being my favorite Guess Who song. Actually it isn’t. That would be No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature with Star Baby a close second. Let’s listen, shall we?



Anyway, Ozzy says that no, there is no such thing as a free lunch. I much prefer the expression “there is no such thing as a free brunch” but that’s just me. Candice, Adam, and Parvati smell the vittles cooking and come out and confront the group. First Candice comes out, waving her hand up in everyone’s grill, saying “why you fools eating without us” which Jonathan ignores, asking back if she called him a disgusting rat, and she gets up in his face, saying he is a betrayer and no one likes him and Yul called him selfish at which point Yul tells her not to speak for him and corrects her and says he called Jonathan rational and self-centered with Candice still apparently thinks is an insult but Jonathan ignores it and instead talks about how they all came back from the challenge and the Aituans and he started to work and Adam, Parvati, and Candice just lay around doing nothing causing Candice to say that everyone lies down sometime at which point Jonathan says that’s bollocks, which honest to God is the first time I’ve heard anyone use bollocks in a sentence since I was a freshman in college and Never Mind The Bollocks, It’s The Sex Pistols had just come out and a friend of mine kept going around saying “God save the queen, she ain’t no human being” everywhere but Jonathan just said it and he goes on telling Candice that the rest of them work hard everyday and she says he just works hard to weasel his way into groups and out of the line of fire and Candice, bitch, what the hell is wrong with weaseling anyway because as Homer Simpson once said “Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel” so there at which point Jonathan thanks her for not namecalling and Candice says I’m not namecalling you stupid weasel at which point Jonathan really flies off the handle and says he is not acting any differently now than he has acted for the previous 30 days at which point he leaves in a huff, or maybe a minute and a huff.

Cut to Yul telling Becky that he has no idea how he is going to get on the jury’s good side. One thing at a time, dude. One thing at a time.

Off to tribal council, my favorite part of every summary, except for the html parts of the dialogue.

Jeff: Becky, why did you send Candice to Exile Island again?

Becky: I hate her. Duh. Can we dance again about it?

Jeff: Sure.



Jeff: Candice, how does it feel to be hated?

Candice: Ask Jonathan, not me. It’s not like I betrayed anyone.

Ozzy, Sundra, Becky, Yul: Ahem.

Jeff: Ozzy. Any cool fights at camp this afternoon.

Ozzy: Didn’t you read the rest of the summary?

Jeff: I tried, but when Dweeze does the extended run-on sentence bit it makes my eyes glaze over.

Candice: I didn’t get any fish?

Jeff: No fish? Are you a fucking seal? I’ll be sure to call the whambulance for you.

Parvati: We weren’t invited to dinner!

Jeff: Did you do anything to help catch or make dinner? You know, like work?

Parvati: I’m not familiar with this work concept, Jeff, but your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Adam: Everyone but Jonathan was happy with the amount of work we do around camp?

Ozzy, Sundra, Becky, Yul: The hell?

Parvati: You know, I’m half Jonathan’s age, but I’m twice as mature.

Jeff: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Jonathan: If I may show my immaturity, we all realize that they are hurt and disappointed that events turned against them. But that’s no excuse not to work around camp. Why should the people working feed the people who aren’t working?

Candice: No, they are all so arrogant, they have the numbers, and they don’t want to feed us.

Jeff: I see the footage, you stupid fuckers. I saw the footage when the group of you were so confident you had the game in hand you weren’t even willing to consider it when Jonathan said that you should take into account that Yul might have the idol. I saw the footage when the group of you had the numbers and you sat around doing nothing, and I saw the footage now when the group of you didn’t have the numbers and you all sat around doing nothing. I SEE THE FUCKING FOOTAGE!!! Sitting around doing nothing seems to be all that you are capable of doing. So why should they feed you?

Adam: Jonathan’s a rat. A cancerous rat. A cancerous rat with cancer. Bad cancer too, not one of the good ones.

Jeff: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Dweeze: I’ll step in here while Jeff’s hyperventilating. You know, calling Jonathan, the man who played Detective Travis on CSI and Newt Glick on CSI: New York, a rat is rather unfair. I mean, where would the WB’s ill-fated attempt at reviving The Lone Ranger have been without Jonathan’s screenwriting skills. The man is an Oscar Nominee in the very competitive live action short category!

Parvati: He did outwit us.

Dweeze: The baby bird Cao Boi almost killed could outwit you, Parvati. You, Candice, and Adam are morons. Idiots. Imbeciles. Mother fuc-

Jeff: I got it Dweeze. I’m back. Okay, Yul, there appears to be three groups here. The Aituans, the Raroans, and the Jonathans.

Dweeze: Lieberman, party of one!

Jeff: I’ve got it, Dweeze! Anyway, Yul, you appear to be the U.N. what with being all international and smart and trying to make things nice and everything.

Yul: Well, the things we tell Raro are not necessarily the things we are actually considering or feeling. We can’t really be honest with them.

Parvati: Yul’s the puppetmaster, pulling everyone’s strings.

Dweeze: I’ve got some string for the two of us, Parvati…

Jeff: DWEEZE!

Yul: You can’t blame me for trying to win the game.

Parvati: Sure I can. But I do respect you for it.

Dweeze: And I’ll respe…

Jeff: DWEEZE!

Adam: I respect you too, Yul. I respect all of you Aituans. And I’d really respect you if you voted the cancerous rat out tonight, then voted each other out until it was just me and the hos left.

Jeff: Jonathan, you’ve taken a lot of abuse today. Any thoughts?

Jonathan: Do my farts still smell like pepperoni?

Candice: We’ve tried to do everything we can to turn things around, but the Aituans will do what they want, but they should know that the jury is watching everything they do. I’m not saying that because it’s a, you know, one of those things…

Jeff: A threat?

Candice: Right, one of those. I’m just saying it because that’s how it is and how it is going to be on the jury with me, Adam, Parfaiti, and the black dude.

Jeff: You mean the jury that is going to consist of three Raroans who were betrayed by you four, two Aituans who were in battle with you four, and, in all probability, Jonathan, making it a 6-4 vote against you guys?

Candice: Exactly. Hey! They said there would be no math!

Jeff: Let’s throw it back over to Dweeze for his final thoughts.

Dweeze: Thanks Jeff. Adam, you are a lazy, shiftless idiot with no discernable goals other than nailing hot chicks. I salute you. Candice, you are a self-absorbed, insufferable bitch. Parvati, if Shallow weren’t your last name, it would have to be given to you. Go Aitu. Back to you Jeff.

Jeff: Time to vote! Bring in Dieter and the monkey. And maybe Ben Stiller as Butch Patrick.



The votes are cast, the tallymon is called, the votes are read, Candice gets up to leave, but before she does she and Adam shag one last time on the ground tribal council.

Jeff: You know he’s never going to call, right?

Candice: Yes he will. He loves me. He would have done anything to keep me from being voted out.

Jeff: Like give you the immunity necklace?

Candice: Exactly! Hey, wait a minute…

Jeff: Adam, you going to call Candice?

Adam: Who?

On the next Survivor: Parvati turns into a cutter.

As we fade into the lights of Vegas, Candice tells us that she had a great time and she can look at herself in the mirror and be comfortable with the way she played. Losers can look at themselves in the mirror and be comfortable with the way they played, Candice. Winners can hire people to look at themselves in the mirror for them.

Oh, and coffee is for closers.  ¶ 2:20 PM