Survive This
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Survivor Coke Islands:
Finale and Reunion Show
A highly educated Asian geek and an uneducated, unemployed Hispanic drifter who excels at manual labor just finished telling us they’ve shattered racial stereotypes. That’s the outcome of the Survivor: Coke Islands social experiment. Delusional Self-Aggrandizement: It’s not just for white folks anymore.
Three hours wasted on this crap. Will somebody just kill Mark Burnett? Can we please nuke the South Pacific until they stop making this show?
No wonder Landru gave this up.
Three. Goddamn. Hours.
Sigh.
Jeff Probst opens the finale with a clip reel that covers all the relevant moments of the past 14 episodes in just eight minutes. I could have trimmed it to 28 seconds.
When the show finally begins for real, Meathead Adam is pouting in the hut while the Aitu Alliance gathers on the beach for some coconut-cracking mutual masturbation.
Sundra tells us that her four-person alliance never really discussed what they would do when they got down to the final four. Sucker, that mean’s you’re next. Now she’s formulatin’ a plan to vote off Ozzy. Too late, morons.
Mail arrives...
More blather about the Aitu Alliance holding on to reach the final four, with at least two of them never realizing they’ve been playing for fourth place.
The challenge is a rope obstacle course in the shape of a spider web, with bags of puzzle pieces scattered across eight stations. Retrieve the bags, assemble the puzzle, win immunity. Probst says it is the most difficult puzzle in thirteen seasons.
Off they go. Yul has retrieved his third bag before Ozzy has his first, which makes it seem that Ozzy might lose. But Ozzy went for the most time-consuming task first, so Jeff’s “coming from behind” narration is all crap. Ozzy is the first to get all the pieces. Yul and Adam begin the puzzle, and Ozzy screws it up at first, but eventually Ozzy wins his fourth straight immunity challenge.
Back at the beach, it’s already a given that Adam is eliminated. The Aitu Alliance crows, Adam pouts all over again. He eventually comes out of the hut and finally attempts to play the game in his final hours. Adam points out that Becky, Sundra and Ozzie are allowing Yul to coast to the final three. He suggests the three should vote for Yul, make him use the not-very-hidden idol, and get it out of the game to even things up in the final four. They pretend to think about it. Actually, pretending to think might be their natural state.
Tribal Council
Jeff: Ozzy, is Adam screwed?
Ozzy: Yup.
Jeff: Becky, have you done anything at all in this game?
Becky: Now that I’m in the final four, I’m going to try.
Jeff: You disgust me. Ozzy, don’t she make you itch?
Ozzy: I don’t care if I had to carry these leeches.
Nobody will give these useless women a million bucks.
Adam: Ozzy is an uneducated, unemployed Hispanic drifter; Yul is a highly educated Asian geek. But Becky and Sundra are parasites. And they are boring. And they are way too stupid to force Yul to use the immunity idol tonight.
Jeff: Becky, how stupid are you?
Becky: Stupid enough to think Yul’s going to give me the immunity idol when I lose the next challenge, and stupid enough to think the jury will give me a million dollars for that.
Yul: It’s not like that. We are a team, and we all work together and our goal was to be the final four. We’re such a great loving, soulful team and we want to stay together just like this forever.
Jeff: That’s manipulative bullshit, right?
Yul: Yup.
Votes… votes counted… Adam is sent to the jury. Candice orgasms.
The Aitu 2 plus 2 return to camp with cheers over their ability to eliminate eight straight Raro tribe members.
Yul pontificates about how the winner of Survivor will be from a minority community. Vecepia Towery, Sandra Diaz and the Fat Naked Gay Guy hurl things at their television. Yul is praising the strength of diversity in team building. He’s patting himself on the back already for assembling an alliance that includes two mannequins that don’t want to win and a challenge whore who can’t lose.
The next morning Ozzy greets the sun and tells us he’s got to win another challenge today. And the viewers have a challenge of their own. Find something else on television for the next ten minutes while these four smug assholes go burn the torches and laugh at the dozen people already eliminated. It’s the Fallen Comrades Montage and not worthy of our attention.
When they finished violating the corpses of the recently deceased, we cut to the immunity challenge. Keeping with Survivor tradition, this one is an endurance challenge. They find something really annoying and make you do it for three hours. Traipsing around a hillside gathering torches was not enough. Watching them traipse around a hillside collecting torches ought to earn us all a necklace.
For this final challenge they have to stand atop a platform, and each 15 minutes the platform will get smaller until they are standing on a post the size of a postage stamp. Yes, it’s another “Watch People Stand Still” action adventure.
Jeff also announces what we all figured out weeks ago: the final tribal council will include three finalists eligible for the million dollars.
Stand around. After 45 minutes Becky falls.
Stand around. Down to the post. Wobble wobble.
Several times Ozzy regains his balance.
Ozzy complains about sweaty balls.
Yul falls.
Stand around. Wobble wobble.
After two and a half hours, Sundra falls.
Everybody chant along: Ozzy wins immunity.
Back at camp, the final four have come to realize they soon have to vote somebody out. Looking for a fair outcome, Ozzy comes up with the plan to vote a 2-2 tie and allow Becky and Sundra to go through a final challenge. Yul agrees. Maybe I’m a cynical bastard, but it sure seems like neither Ozzy nor Yul want to piss off that final jury member.
For no intelligent reason whatsoever, Yul secretly offers the not-hidden immunity idol to Becky in order to break that 2-2 tie. For no intelligent reason whatsoever, she declines. She’s afraid that the jury will suddenly get the crazy idea she’s in the final three only because she’s a blood-sucking parasite carried to the finals in Yul’s colon.
Ozzy and Yul tell the women they’ve settled on the tiebreaker strategy. Sundra asks for Yul’s assurance there won’t be a surprise appearance of the immunity idol, and he promises her it won’t happen. Since he’s not willing to alienate a jury member, we all know a tiebreaker is coming. Anyone who’s ever seen the show would start flinging flint and practicing for a fire-building challenge. Not these losers.
At this point, intelligent viewers have changed the channel. It doesn’t matter one bit who the third finalist will be, because no one will cast a vote for Becky or Sundra anyway. It’s all filler at this point until we get to the jury. There’s no spark, shall we say?
Tribal Council
Jeff: Adam warned you stupid cows this was gonna happen. Ozzy’s safe, Yul’s got the idol, and one of you two remora are getting cut loose. Why are you so fucking stupid?
Sundra: Hummuna, hummuna, hummuna. Gulp.
Jeff: Ozzy, do you even care who goes and who stays?
Ozzy: Not really. Bring on a tiebreaker and kick a bitch out. We’re done with both of them. I just want the loser to blame Yul.
Jeff: Yul, have you done anything remarkably stupid, like offer the immunity idol to Becky, who we should point out is both a parasite and an attorney?
Yul: Jeff, using the vectors in this Venn diagram, we arrived at a solution that we hope will maximize embarrassment for Sundra and Becky, while simultaneously minimize the risk of hurt feelings that might impact negatively on my sweet and caring persona. In other words Jeff, let the bitches mud wrestle for all I care.
Jeff: Sundra, you bought that shit?
Sundra: Of course.
Jeff: Becky, would you suck him off to get the hidden idol? Have you begged for it like a dirty little girl?
Becky: Oh hell yeah.
Jeff: Well, Yul, would you like to posture for the jury a bit longer?
Yul: Oh hell yeah. I wanted to play a clean game and treat everyone with the love and respect they all deserve. Sadly, I was naïve, but I have tried to remain moral and loyal to all my wonderful friends. And I brought back Jonathan’s hat because it’s in my nature to be kind and thoughtful, particularly with such a keen opponent.
Jeff: Ozzy, would you like to give up the immunity necklace?
Ozzy: Hell no (an actual line).
Jeff: Let’s waste some time. Go vote.
As they agreed, the vote splits 2-2 for Becky and Sundra. Neither has the not-so-hidden immunity idol, so we go to the tiebreaker.
It’s the same tiebreaker we’ve seen before: Here’s a pile of twigs, here’s some coconut husk, here’s a flint and a knife. Make a fire and burn through a rope about two feet above the table. When the rope breaks, it will release and ring a large bell.
Seems simple, right?
I mean, who goes through 36 days of incredibly boring camp life without at least once saying, “Hey, let me try that fire thing, just to occupy some time.” I understand these two were lazy bloodsuckers, but did they even watch other people make fire?
Day 444 of The Fire Challenge
The two quickly build a tower of twigs, and start sparking away with the flint and steel. But it is immediately clear they have no idea what to do with an actual spark. After an hour of watching Sundra and Becky cluelessly flail about with a sharp knife, Jeff allows them to use matches.
After two hours, Jeff allows them to use gasoline.
After three hours, Jeff allows them to call on the help of a rotund uniformed middle-aged Boy Scout leader from Cincinnati, Ohio.
After four hours, the jury is treated for smoke inhalation from all the fires raging around the tribal council area. Some are also treated for burns and heat exhaustion due to television lights that heat to 1000 degrees Kelvin and cause the spontaneous combustion of their clothing.
After five hours, Jeff calls in a napalm strike. Becky flinches.
After six hours, Sundra has exhausted the supply of combustible material in the Pacific Rim. Becky appears on 60 Minutes, appealing for international aid to overcome the tragedy in the small island nation.
After seven hours, Indonesian Muslims give Becky one of their atomic suitcase bombs, which she uses to create a spark. Remaining crew members, by now soaked in rum, hurl themselves into the flame.
After eight hours, the weight of the bell causes the aging strings to unravel. Becky’s string breaks. She leaps around the stage triumphantly.
Jeff snuffs Sundra’s torch, and then prolongs the misery by sending them all back to camp for one more night.
Did anyone else note the irony in Sundra’s final words: “The fact that I even made it this far has ignited so many things…” She also goes on to say the winner needs to take her out to dinner, because she is, to the end, waiting for someone else to come along and feed her. Yes, we’re all about shattering those racial stereotypes.
The Final Three gather on the beach at sunrise to exult. Becky is proud that she turned down the offer of the immunity idol, deluding herself into thinking she has a chance in hell of winning.
Two island babes arrive with a feast, which Yul and Ozzy enjoy while Becky is wandering the beach looking for a reason to live. Ozzy tells us that Becky won’t get any votes because of her miserable performance in the challenge. Yul tells us he is happy to have made a friend like Becky, who is worth a million dollars.
I’m so sick of this shit.
Final Tribal Council
The Final Three enter. The Jury enters. Jeff calls them by name: Dasher Dancer Prancer (no wait) Brad and Rebecca and Jenny and Nate and Jonathan and Candice and Parvati and Adam and Sundra. Some of them so forgettable Jeff has to read from cue cards.
Jeff: Power to the jury brak brak brak opening statements brak brak brak jury will speak brak brak brak votes. Yul, baffle us with your bullshit.
Yul: I am Buddha. I control all, but in a friendly and beneficial way. If you vote for me, you will all find inner peace and be reincarnated as your fondest desire.
Becky: I sucked at challenges, I didn’t work around camp, I didn’t even think at all for 39 days. BUT, I made friends with people who did all those things, and this is a social game, so you should give me the money because I’m friendly. Except to some of you on the jury, and what are your names again?
(Jurors laugh in her face.)
Ozzy: I’m Mexican. The last Beaner. You guys have been trying to deport me for weeks. But I won nearly every challenge in the game single-handedly, carried my tribe out of an 8-4 disadvantage in numbers and I fed you all for a month. I’m the best player in the history of the game, and I star in porn movies. Bask in the glory that is Ozzy.
Jeff: OK jury, cut them.
Nate: Yul, you are a deity, and I’m voting for you because you can read. Ozzy, you kicked my ass every day, but climbing trees ain’t strategy, my brother. Did you do any thinking at all?
Ozzy: Oh yeah. I made sure my team threw a challenge so that the Beaners would be outnumbered the rest of the way. It was a huge strategic mistake. Sucked for the rest of the Beaners, but they are not the mighty and powerful Oz.
Nate: Becky, you suck.
Becky: Yeah, but only Yul. I ‘helped’ him make decisions. And I wouldn’t take the immunity idol when he offered it because I wanted to earn my spot in the top three. And I earned it, really really really.
Jenny: Does anyone remember me? I was on Survivor! Yul, tell us more about how the game is all about strategy and not about winning challenges so I won’t look stupid when I vote for you just because you’re not a greasy Mexican egomaniac.
Yul: I was happy to let Ozzy win the challenges, for that gave him inner peace. I was happy to let Ozzy feed us all, for that gave us all inner strength. But I planned it all, every step, from way back in the womb. Not a leaf moves on this island but by my command.
Parvati: Becky, you suck.
Becky: Why do you all keep saying that? Do I have some on my chin? I’m proud of the way I didn’t play.
Rebecca: Becky, you suck. Yul, you are smarter than God. Ozzy, you are stronger than God. Can the two of you tell me more about the wonder of you?
Yul: I think it is important that a minority finally wins this game, but one of the acceptable minorities and not an unemployed uneducated Mexican who makes dirty movies. I shatter the stereotype of highly educated Asian geek… by being a highly educated Asian geek who wears contact lenses.
Ozzy: I’m a Mexican, but not one of those Taco Bell Mexicans. I am a positive role model for all of mankind. I can make food or fire from these stones here. I have a very large penis, for which there is extensive evidence on the Internet.
Adam: You people are boring and you can’t stop bragging. Ozzy, I already promised my vote to Yul to get rid of Jonathan, but I want you to talk trash about the other finalists anyway.
Ozzy: Yul rode my coattails, and Becky rode Yul’s. I think the worst thing you can do is not try as hard as possible (except when you intend to throw a challenge) and Yul sat back and didn’t try. And Becky? Pfft. She took 39 days to make a fire. What the hell is she doing here intruding on my glory?
Candice: It should all be about me. Why is it not all about me? And Yul, I’m sick of your long-winded butt licking answers. Answer me yes or no: Isn’t it really about me?
Yul: Yes. Yes, it is all about you, and I think I’ve found love out here.
Brad: Ozzy, we’ve never met, but I’ve seen your penis on the Internet and I am in love with you. Tell us a weepy story that will make me quiver.
Ozzy: Mi padre es muy loco. He doesn’t love me. We never played catch in a cornfield, he never gave me a roll of Lifesavers. Let me pause here to act vulnerable.
Brad: Ooooohh. I got chills, and squirted a little. Thank you for that.
Sundra: OK, my turn to waste time. What have you all learned or discovered in this game?
Ozzy: I found love. I love you all. You all mean everything to me. Without you, each and every one, there would be no reason to live this fabulous life of wonderfulness that is me. Plus, I got to see Parvati naked, although she wasn’t good enough for my porn star taste.
Becky: I forgot how to tell time.
Yul: I discovered that I am a deity, who can control the universe with the power of my mind.
Jonathan: Yul, you are a lying manipulator, even better than me. I would vote for you for president. Tell us again how loyal you’ve been, even when you stabbed me in the back.
Yul: My people love me.
Jonathan: Ozzy, you are an arrogant prick who thinks you deserve to win just because you won every challenge. Wouldn’t you just blow the million dollars on crack whores?
Ozzy: I don’t need money to get laid, because I have a big penis. I’m going to blow the money on frat parties. And I’m going to change the world by recklessly impregnating anonymous women. Oh yeah, I also want to give money to struggling film students, so we can make more porn. By the way, I’ve seen your penis on the Internet, and mine’s bigger. So go ahead and vote for Yul, needledick.
Jeff: Enough of this shit. Vote.
brak brak brak… Jonathan respects Yul's highly educated Asian brain, Parvati gets greasy panties for Ozzy's big Mexican hot-tub fillin' dick.
Jeff: Here’s the votes, I’m not reading them, I’m walking to California. Take a shower and I’ll see you in three months.
The Reunion Show
Wearing the exact same clothes, Jeff strides into a Hollywood studio, greeted by wild applause from an entire room full of sycophants. He blathers on about how we got here, in case anyone is just tuning in. And he reads the votes.
One for this guy, one for that guy, none for the parasite. By a 5-4-0 count, Yul Kwon is the winner of Survivor Coke Island.
Five dozen short squinty people from Chinatown rush the stage to embrace the stereotype-smashing highly educated Asian geek millionaire. We cut to a live shot of the audience in his hometown of San Mateo, California. Everyone on screen is Asian.
Meanwhile, Ozzy’s family rushes outside to flip over cars, burn a neighborhood, and find a Taco Bell.
And the rest of the season’s contestants flood the stage for a final gasp of attention.
A few clips of Yul plotting, and more wild applause, and the buffoonery begins.
Jeff: Here we are for another vapid hour of ego massage. Yul and Ozzy, you were the best players ever, and for the first time I felt bad somebody had to lose. … except you Becky. You suck.
Let’s talk about all the things that Yul did right. Using clues any idiot could figure out, you found the barely hidden immunity idol. Wasn’t that great television?
Yul: I was so lucky. And I can spell the word mitigate. I never wanted the idol to save myself, but to make things better for my team.
Jeff: Cut the crap. Vote’s over. Let’s talk about that brainless mutiny so we can show Candice’s lily-white face a few times.
Yul: Pfft. We didn’t really need that whore. We had Ozzy, the challenge whore, to win the challenges and wear the target.
Jeff: Candice, were you happy to reinforce the bubble-headed blonde bimbo stereotype?
Candice: Well, at that point, no one had noticed I was there. I needed to make my move, even if it was the dumbest move possible, just so I didn’t end up as one of those contestants everybody forgets, like the smelly foreigners sitting around me.
Jeff: That’s the way to play the game. To get noticed, you have to have big boobs. Sundra, I need to speak to you now, but you hair is atrocious, so we’re going to show clips while you speak.
Sundra: blather blather blather about team unity, the kind of team unity you get when half the team hopes to finish fourth.
Jeff: Let’s talk about Jonathan’s compulsion to alienate people.
Yul: It was easy for him to do when I put the gun to his head.
Jeff: It's always been easy for him. Have you ever seen one of his movies?
... And then you make another deal, trading Jonathan’s execution for Adam’s vote. Is that right?
Adam: I made that deal, so I voted for Yul. I wanted to vote for Ozzy, but I would never lie or break a promise.
Jeff: Ozzy, do you want to kill Adam?
Ozzy: Adam doesn’t know this, but we’d already decided to eliminate Jonathan before he made that deal with Yul. And I guess I shoulda mentioned that, because it just cost me $900,000.
Jeff: Becky, you suck.
Yul: Becky, you suck.
Jeff: Becky, you suck at building fire.
Becky: Yeah well, I almost broke a nail. Why couldn’t Ozzy just bring me a fire?
Jeff: Becky, you suck. We know you are a whore. Did Yul at least get to fuck you?
Becky: We’re just close friends. But now that he has a million dollars, I’ll lather up his egg roll anytime.
Jeff: Yul, you are one of the World’s Sexiest Men. Doesn't anyone else know you are gay? Because you looked really uncomfortable when Poverty got naked in the hot tub.
Yul: Eww. She was nasty. I’ve never seen a woman blow bubbles with that part of her anatomy. But I couldn’t leave because I thought they’d make another porno movie.
Clips of Ozzy being heroic.
Jeff: Ozzy, you are an uneducated unemployed Mexican porn star, but you seem born to play this game. How did you learn all this shit?
Ozzy: The Rio Grande, she is very deep reever senor. I lear-nd to sweem nort, un estoy contento. I learned a lot of things while on the lam from poppy farmers in Panama, and some of it I learned while doing human trafficking across the Arizona border. Most of it I learned while being a beach bum/surfing porn star. And of course, I am tremendously gifted.
Jeff: Poverty got naked and begged for it. Was that the best thing ever?
Ozzy: eh. Jenna Bush did the same thing in the alley outside a San Antonio bar. The best part of this was showing the world the glory that is Ozzy. I am, in fact, part monkey. I would rather be in the jungle, because I can fling poo and masturbate wildly, just like at home.
Jeff: It’s time for a reminder; Daddy hates you.
Ozzy: Yes, yes he does.
Jeff: Enough about you. But speaking of bastards, wasn’t Jonathan at least interesting?
Clips of Jonathan.
Jeff: Jonathan, are you a simple jackass, or are you a complete jackass?
Jonathan: It was a game, and I played it the only way I knew how. As a complete jackass. But at least I’m not Becky.
Jeff: Yeah, she sucks. … Now I have to talk to some other people. Jenny, why do you look like a Manila whore?
Jenny: Me love you long time, fo dolla. Did you know I was on Survivor? If I’d been in that hot tub, I would have won that “balance on a pole” challenge right there.
Jeff: I’ve already forgotten you. And I’d like to forget Sekou, but I at least I won’t have to talk to him if I let him sing his lame song for 7 seconds.
Sekou: Surrrrr. Viiii. Vurrrr. Sing it with me. Surrrrr. Viiii. Vurrrr.
Crowd: mumbleyawnmumble.
Clips of Cao Boi.
Jeff: Cao Boi, you freaky gook imbecile, you’ve set back the progress of humanity about 800 years. Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you now.
Cao Boi: All my life I’ve been a fuck-up, but I’m too deranged to care. I must have eaten too many flea collars.
Jeff: People really hate you. Yul, tell me you hate this jackass.
Yul: I knew some lame retard was going to humiliate his race. I’m just glad it wasn’t me. Because, you know, I formed a multi-ethnic coalition, and through that microcosm of a diverse universe, I achieved more power than the prophet Mohammed. In some small way I hope we proved that it’s not the color of your skin that matters. What matters is the ability to locate and manipulate morons wherever they exist. It’s just easier with Beaners, Chinks and Darkies.
Jeff: Nate, I hear your homies were up in your hood about not representin. Wassup wit dat?
Nate: Dey was pissed cause I said dey could all fuck Poverty. You know dey jus loves living in poverty. But dey dint knowed dat Poverty was a slamming white chick who’d fuck anyting. Den de gotz mad cause I was doin the Mandingo thing with a white chick sted a stickin wit da sistas. So’s dey want me to fuck Rebecca. Den I did Rebecca and her sista up da ass, and iz all good now.
Jeff: Stephannnnie, are you a racist?
Stephannnnie: Fo shizzle.
Jeff: Rebecca, are you a racist?
Rebecca: No, hell no. Whachoo tawkin bout, Willis? I just think Nate should have stuck with his own kind. Let da white folk pick dey own cotton.
Jeff: Brad, try to convince us you’re straight.
Brad: Isn’t Yul just dreamy? Together we could change the world’s horrible stereotype of a highly educated Asian geek who never gets any anal sex.
Jeff: Speaking of buttfucking… Candice, did coconut milk work as a lubricant for you and Adam? And did you have to smear a little aloe on there later?
Candice: Oh there was nothing like that going on. I was merely trying to make Billy jealous.
Adam: Hey, I fucked her, and she won’t stop calling.
Nate: Tell me about it. Once Poverty got blacksnaked she won’t stop rakin my dick. Dat’s one purty mouth wit all dem Chicklet teeth and those big wide lips. Damn girl, get on it!
Poverty: Ohhh God I need it now!!!
Jeff: Poverty, tell us about your box. Or your boxing. That’s really just porn, right?
Poverty: Oh hell yeah. But porn can be hard work, Jeff. Hasn’t Julie told you that already? I have to do guys and girls and take facials and squeal on cue...
Jeff: Shut up now. We’re running out of time, and I need to acknowledge other people although their comments are not worth noting. J.P. is a model, Cristina’s fellow cops made fun of her, Cecelia has a very annoying voice, Flicka’s hair is still a rat nest but she’s drugged so she doesn’t care, and Billy you fat fuck, you actually thought Pepsodent perfect Candice would ever get naked with you?
Billy: I would love to stick her foot in my mouth. And once I get the restraining order lifted, we will be together always.
Jeff: SHIT! Speaking of cursed losers, we forgot to give away the damn car this year! Ozzy, here’s an SUV so you can smuggle your family across the border.
And now, with any luck, you can wipe this reprehensible season out of your minds when I play this hyped up video of the next island nation we intend to alienate.
We’re changing the game again. This time one tribe will get all the food they can eat, while the other tribe will get all the food they can eat, plus napkins. The hidden idol thing sucked so bad, we’re doing it twice. We’re gonna give these assholes sticks and let them beat each other. That’s if the snakes don’t kill them first. And somebody does something that will change the course of human evolution and realign the planets. Maybe I’ll even get a new shirt.
We’ve gotten so desperate we’re casting homeless street beggars. Join us next time for
Survivor: Squeegee in Fiji! ¶ 3:42 AM 2 Comments
Finale and Reunion Show
A highly educated Asian geek and an uneducated, unemployed Hispanic drifter who excels at manual labor just finished telling us they’ve shattered racial stereotypes. That’s the outcome of the Survivor: Coke Islands social experiment. Delusional Self-Aggrandizement: It’s not just for white folks anymore.
Three hours wasted on this crap. Will somebody just kill Mark Burnett? Can we please nuke the South Pacific until they stop making this show?
No wonder Landru gave this up.
Three. Goddamn. Hours.
Sigh.
Jeff Probst opens the finale with a clip reel that covers all the relevant moments of the past 14 episodes in just eight minutes. I could have trimmed it to 28 seconds.
When the show finally begins for real, Meathead Adam is pouting in the hut while the Aitu Alliance gathers on the beach for some coconut-cracking mutual masturbation.
Sundra tells us that her four-person alliance never really discussed what they would do when they got down to the final four. Sucker, that mean’s you’re next. Now she’s formulatin’ a plan to vote off Ozzy. Too late, morons.
Mail arrives...
Black, Brown, Yellow, White
Adam must put up a fight.
But Ozzie is a little monkey,
Say goodbye to the stupid honky.
Adam must put up a fight.
But Ozzie is a little monkey,
Say goodbye to the stupid honky.
More blather about the Aitu Alliance holding on to reach the final four, with at least two of them never realizing they’ve been playing for fourth place.
The challenge is a rope obstacle course in the shape of a spider web, with bags of puzzle pieces scattered across eight stations. Retrieve the bags, assemble the puzzle, win immunity. Probst says it is the most difficult puzzle in thirteen seasons.
Off they go. Yul has retrieved his third bag before Ozzy has his first, which makes it seem that Ozzy might lose. But Ozzy went for the most time-consuming task first, so Jeff’s “coming from behind” narration is all crap. Ozzy is the first to get all the pieces. Yul and Adam begin the puzzle, and Ozzy screws it up at first, but eventually Ozzy wins his fourth straight immunity challenge.
Back at the beach, it’s already a given that Adam is eliminated. The Aitu Alliance crows, Adam pouts all over again. He eventually comes out of the hut and finally attempts to play the game in his final hours. Adam points out that Becky, Sundra and Ozzie are allowing Yul to coast to the final three. He suggests the three should vote for Yul, make him use the not-very-hidden idol, and get it out of the game to even things up in the final four. They pretend to think about it. Actually, pretending to think might be their natural state.
Tribal Council
Jeff: Ozzy, is Adam screwed?
Ozzy: Yup.
Jeff: Becky, have you done anything at all in this game?
Becky: Now that I’m in the final four, I’m going to try.
Jeff: You disgust me. Ozzy, don’t she make you itch?
Ozzy: I don’t care if I had to carry these leeches.
Nobody will give these useless women a million bucks.
Adam: Ozzy is an uneducated, unemployed Hispanic drifter; Yul is a highly educated Asian geek. But Becky and Sundra are parasites. And they are boring. And they are way too stupid to force Yul to use the immunity idol tonight.
Jeff: Becky, how stupid are you?
Becky: Stupid enough to think Yul’s going to give me the immunity idol when I lose the next challenge, and stupid enough to think the jury will give me a million dollars for that.
Yul: It’s not like that. We are a team, and we all work together and our goal was to be the final four. We’re such a great loving, soulful team and we want to stay together just like this forever.
Jeff: That’s manipulative bullshit, right?
Yul: Yup.
Votes… votes counted… Adam is sent to the jury. Candice orgasms.
The Aitu 2 plus 2 return to camp with cheers over their ability to eliminate eight straight Raro tribe members.
Yul pontificates about how the winner of Survivor will be from a minority community. Vecepia Towery, Sandra Diaz and the Fat Naked Gay Guy hurl things at their television. Yul is praising the strength of diversity in team building. He’s patting himself on the back already for assembling an alliance that includes two mannequins that don’t want to win and a challenge whore who can’t lose.
The next morning Ozzy greets the sun and tells us he’s got to win another challenge today. And the viewers have a challenge of their own. Find something else on television for the next ten minutes while these four smug assholes go burn the torches and laugh at the dozen people already eliminated. It’s the Fallen Comrades Montage and not worthy of our attention.
When they finished violating the corpses of the recently deceased, we cut to the immunity challenge. Keeping with Survivor tradition, this one is an endurance challenge. They find something really annoying and make you do it for three hours. Traipsing around a hillside gathering torches was not enough. Watching them traipse around a hillside collecting torches ought to earn us all a necklace.
For this final challenge they have to stand atop a platform, and each 15 minutes the platform will get smaller until they are standing on a post the size of a postage stamp. Yes, it’s another “Watch People Stand Still” action adventure.
Jeff also announces what we all figured out weeks ago: the final tribal council will include three finalists eligible for the million dollars.
Stand around. After 45 minutes Becky falls.
Stand around. Down to the post. Wobble wobble.
Several times Ozzy regains his balance.
Ozzy complains about sweaty balls.
Yul falls.
Stand around. Wobble wobble.
After two and a half hours, Sundra falls.
Everybody chant along: Ozzy wins immunity.
Back at camp, the final four have come to realize they soon have to vote somebody out. Looking for a fair outcome, Ozzy comes up with the plan to vote a 2-2 tie and allow Becky and Sundra to go through a final challenge. Yul agrees. Maybe I’m a cynical bastard, but it sure seems like neither Ozzy nor Yul want to piss off that final jury member.
For no intelligent reason whatsoever, Yul secretly offers the not-hidden immunity idol to Becky in order to break that 2-2 tie. For no intelligent reason whatsoever, she declines. She’s afraid that the jury will suddenly get the crazy idea she’s in the final three only because she’s a blood-sucking parasite carried to the finals in Yul’s colon.
Ozzy and Yul tell the women they’ve settled on the tiebreaker strategy. Sundra asks for Yul’s assurance there won’t be a surprise appearance of the immunity idol, and he promises her it won’t happen. Since he’s not willing to alienate a jury member, we all know a tiebreaker is coming. Anyone who’s ever seen the show would start flinging flint and practicing for a fire-building challenge. Not these losers.
At this point, intelligent viewers have changed the channel. It doesn’t matter one bit who the third finalist will be, because no one will cast a vote for Becky or Sundra anyway. It’s all filler at this point until we get to the jury. There’s no spark, shall we say?
Tribal Council
Jeff: Adam warned you stupid cows this was gonna happen. Ozzy’s safe, Yul’s got the idol, and one of you two remora are getting cut loose. Why are you so fucking stupid?
Sundra: Hummuna, hummuna, hummuna. Gulp.
Jeff: Ozzy, do you even care who goes and who stays?
Ozzy: Not really. Bring on a tiebreaker and kick a bitch out. We’re done with both of them. I just want the loser to blame Yul.
Jeff: Yul, have you done anything remarkably stupid, like offer the immunity idol to Becky, who we should point out is both a parasite and an attorney?
Yul: Jeff, using the vectors in this Venn diagram, we arrived at a solution that we hope will maximize embarrassment for Sundra and Becky, while simultaneously minimize the risk of hurt feelings that might impact negatively on my sweet and caring persona. In other words Jeff, let the bitches mud wrestle for all I care.
Jeff: Sundra, you bought that shit?
Sundra: Of course.
Jeff: Becky, would you suck him off to get the hidden idol? Have you begged for it like a dirty little girl?
Becky: Oh hell yeah.
Jeff: Well, Yul, would you like to posture for the jury a bit longer?
Yul: Oh hell yeah. I wanted to play a clean game and treat everyone with the love and respect they all deserve. Sadly, I was naïve, but I have tried to remain moral and loyal to all my wonderful friends. And I brought back Jonathan’s hat because it’s in my nature to be kind and thoughtful, particularly with such a keen opponent.
Jeff: Ozzy, would you like to give up the immunity necklace?
Ozzy: Hell no (an actual line).
Jeff: Let’s waste some time. Go vote.
As they agreed, the vote splits 2-2 for Becky and Sundra. Neither has the not-so-hidden immunity idol, so we go to the tiebreaker.
It’s the same tiebreaker we’ve seen before: Here’s a pile of twigs, here’s some coconut husk, here’s a flint and a knife. Make a fire and burn through a rope about two feet above the table. When the rope breaks, it will release and ring a large bell.
Seems simple, right?
I mean, who goes through 36 days of incredibly boring camp life without at least once saying, “Hey, let me try that fire thing, just to occupy some time.” I understand these two were lazy bloodsuckers, but did they even watch other people make fire?
Day 444 of The Fire Challenge
The two quickly build a tower of twigs, and start sparking away with the flint and steel. But it is immediately clear they have no idea what to do with an actual spark. After an hour of watching Sundra and Becky cluelessly flail about with a sharp knife, Jeff allows them to use matches.
After two hours, Jeff allows them to use gasoline.
After three hours, Jeff allows them to call on the help of a rotund uniformed middle-aged Boy Scout leader from Cincinnati, Ohio.
After four hours, the jury is treated for smoke inhalation from all the fires raging around the tribal council area. Some are also treated for burns and heat exhaustion due to television lights that heat to 1000 degrees Kelvin and cause the spontaneous combustion of their clothing.
After five hours, Jeff calls in a napalm strike. Becky flinches.
After six hours, Sundra has exhausted the supply of combustible material in the Pacific Rim. Becky appears on 60 Minutes, appealing for international aid to overcome the tragedy in the small island nation.
After seven hours, Indonesian Muslims give Becky one of their atomic suitcase bombs, which she uses to create a spark. Remaining crew members, by now soaked in rum, hurl themselves into the flame.
After eight hours, the weight of the bell causes the aging strings to unravel. Becky’s string breaks. She leaps around the stage triumphantly.
Jeff snuffs Sundra’s torch, and then prolongs the misery by sending them all back to camp for one more night.
Did anyone else note the irony in Sundra’s final words: “The fact that I even made it this far has ignited so many things…” She also goes on to say the winner needs to take her out to dinner, because she is, to the end, waiting for someone else to come along and feed her. Yes, we’re all about shattering those racial stereotypes.
The Final Three gather on the beach at sunrise to exult. Becky is proud that she turned down the offer of the immunity idol, deluding herself into thinking she has a chance in hell of winning.
Two island babes arrive with a feast, which Yul and Ozzy enjoy while Becky is wandering the beach looking for a reason to live. Ozzy tells us that Becky won’t get any votes because of her miserable performance in the challenge. Yul tells us he is happy to have made a friend like Becky, who is worth a million dollars.
I’m so sick of this shit.
Final Tribal Council
The Final Three enter. The Jury enters. Jeff calls them by name: Dasher Dancer Prancer (no wait) Brad and Rebecca and Jenny and Nate and Jonathan and Candice and Parvati and Adam and Sundra. Some of them so forgettable Jeff has to read from cue cards.
Jeff: Power to the jury brak brak brak opening statements brak brak brak jury will speak brak brak brak votes. Yul, baffle us with your bullshit.
Yul: I am Buddha. I control all, but in a friendly and beneficial way. If you vote for me, you will all find inner peace and be reincarnated as your fondest desire.
Becky: I sucked at challenges, I didn’t work around camp, I didn’t even think at all for 39 days. BUT, I made friends with people who did all those things, and this is a social game, so you should give me the money because I’m friendly. Except to some of you on the jury, and what are your names again?
(Jurors laugh in her face.)
Ozzy: I’m Mexican. The last Beaner. You guys have been trying to deport me for weeks. But I won nearly every challenge in the game single-handedly, carried my tribe out of an 8-4 disadvantage in numbers and I fed you all for a month. I’m the best player in the history of the game, and I star in porn movies. Bask in the glory that is Ozzy.
Jeff: OK jury, cut them.
Nate: Yul, you are a deity, and I’m voting for you because you can read. Ozzy, you kicked my ass every day, but climbing trees ain’t strategy, my brother. Did you do any thinking at all?
Ozzy: Oh yeah. I made sure my team threw a challenge so that the Beaners would be outnumbered the rest of the way. It was a huge strategic mistake. Sucked for the rest of the Beaners, but they are not the mighty and powerful Oz.
Nate: Becky, you suck.
Becky: Yeah, but only Yul. I ‘helped’ him make decisions. And I wouldn’t take the immunity idol when he offered it because I wanted to earn my spot in the top three. And I earned it, really really really.
Jenny: Does anyone remember me? I was on Survivor! Yul, tell us more about how the game is all about strategy and not about winning challenges so I won’t look stupid when I vote for you just because you’re not a greasy Mexican egomaniac.
Yul: I was happy to let Ozzy win the challenges, for that gave him inner peace. I was happy to let Ozzy feed us all, for that gave us all inner strength. But I planned it all, every step, from way back in the womb. Not a leaf moves on this island but by my command.
Parvati: Becky, you suck.
Becky: Why do you all keep saying that? Do I have some on my chin? I’m proud of the way I didn’t play.
Rebecca: Becky, you suck. Yul, you are smarter than God. Ozzy, you are stronger than God. Can the two of you tell me more about the wonder of you?
Yul: I think it is important that a minority finally wins this game, but one of the acceptable minorities and not an unemployed uneducated Mexican who makes dirty movies. I shatter the stereotype of highly educated Asian geek… by being a highly educated Asian geek who wears contact lenses.
Ozzy: I’m a Mexican, but not one of those Taco Bell Mexicans. I am a positive role model for all of mankind. I can make food or fire from these stones here. I have a very large penis, for which there is extensive evidence on the Internet.
Adam: You people are boring and you can’t stop bragging. Ozzy, I already promised my vote to Yul to get rid of Jonathan, but I want you to talk trash about the other finalists anyway.
Ozzy: Yul rode my coattails, and Becky rode Yul’s. I think the worst thing you can do is not try as hard as possible (except when you intend to throw a challenge) and Yul sat back and didn’t try. And Becky? Pfft. She took 39 days to make a fire. What the hell is she doing here intruding on my glory?
Candice: It should all be about me. Why is it not all about me? And Yul, I’m sick of your long-winded butt licking answers. Answer me yes or no: Isn’t it really about me?
Yul: Yes. Yes, it is all about you, and I think I’ve found love out here.
Brad: Ozzy, we’ve never met, but I’ve seen your penis on the Internet and I am in love with you. Tell us a weepy story that will make me quiver.
Ozzy: Mi padre es muy loco. He doesn’t love me. We never played catch in a cornfield, he never gave me a roll of Lifesavers. Let me pause here to act vulnerable.
Brad: Ooooohh. I got chills, and squirted a little. Thank you for that.
Sundra: OK, my turn to waste time. What have you all learned or discovered in this game?
Ozzy: I found love. I love you all. You all mean everything to me. Without you, each and every one, there would be no reason to live this fabulous life of wonderfulness that is me. Plus, I got to see Parvati naked, although she wasn’t good enough for my porn star taste.
Becky: I forgot how to tell time.
Yul: I discovered that I am a deity, who can control the universe with the power of my mind.
Jonathan: Yul, you are a lying manipulator, even better than me. I would vote for you for president. Tell us again how loyal you’ve been, even when you stabbed me in the back.
Yul: My people love me.
Jonathan: Ozzy, you are an arrogant prick who thinks you deserve to win just because you won every challenge. Wouldn’t you just blow the million dollars on crack whores?
Ozzy: I don’t need money to get laid, because I have a big penis. I’m going to blow the money on frat parties. And I’m going to change the world by recklessly impregnating anonymous women. Oh yeah, I also want to give money to struggling film students, so we can make more porn. By the way, I’ve seen your penis on the Internet, and mine’s bigger. So go ahead and vote for Yul, needledick.
Jeff: Enough of this shit. Vote.
brak brak brak… Jonathan respects Yul's highly educated Asian brain, Parvati gets greasy panties for Ozzy's big Mexican hot-tub fillin' dick.
Jeff: Here’s the votes, I’m not reading them, I’m walking to California. Take a shower and I’ll see you in three months.
The Reunion Show
Wearing the exact same clothes, Jeff strides into a Hollywood studio, greeted by wild applause from an entire room full of sycophants. He blathers on about how we got here, in case anyone is just tuning in. And he reads the votes.
One for this guy, one for that guy, none for the parasite. By a 5-4-0 count, Yul Kwon is the winner of Survivor Coke Island.
Five dozen short squinty people from Chinatown rush the stage to embrace the stereotype-smashing highly educated Asian geek millionaire. We cut to a live shot of the audience in his hometown of San Mateo, California. Everyone on screen is Asian.
Meanwhile, Ozzy’s family rushes outside to flip over cars, burn a neighborhood, and find a Taco Bell.
And the rest of the season’s contestants flood the stage for a final gasp of attention.
A few clips of Yul plotting, and more wild applause, and the buffoonery begins.
Jeff: Here we are for another vapid hour of ego massage. Yul and Ozzy, you were the best players ever, and for the first time I felt bad somebody had to lose. … except you Becky. You suck.
Let’s talk about all the things that Yul did right. Using clues any idiot could figure out, you found the barely hidden immunity idol. Wasn’t that great television?
Yul: I was so lucky. And I can spell the word mitigate. I never wanted the idol to save myself, but to make things better for my team.
Jeff: Cut the crap. Vote’s over. Let’s talk about that brainless mutiny so we can show Candice’s lily-white face a few times.
Yul: Pfft. We didn’t really need that whore. We had Ozzy, the challenge whore, to win the challenges and wear the target.
Jeff: Candice, were you happy to reinforce the bubble-headed blonde bimbo stereotype?
Candice: Well, at that point, no one had noticed I was there. I needed to make my move, even if it was the dumbest move possible, just so I didn’t end up as one of those contestants everybody forgets, like the smelly foreigners sitting around me.
Jeff: That’s the way to play the game. To get noticed, you have to have big boobs. Sundra, I need to speak to you now, but you hair is atrocious, so we’re going to show clips while you speak.
Sundra: blather blather blather about team unity, the kind of team unity you get when half the team hopes to finish fourth.
Jeff: Let’s talk about Jonathan’s compulsion to alienate people.
Yul: It was easy for him to do when I put the gun to his head.
Jeff: It's always been easy for him. Have you ever seen one of his movies?
... And then you make another deal, trading Jonathan’s execution for Adam’s vote. Is that right?
Adam: I made that deal, so I voted for Yul. I wanted to vote for Ozzy, but I would never lie or break a promise.
Jeff: Ozzy, do you want to kill Adam?
Ozzy: Adam doesn’t know this, but we’d already decided to eliminate Jonathan before he made that deal with Yul. And I guess I shoulda mentioned that, because it just cost me $900,000.
Jeff: Becky, you suck.
Yul: Becky, you suck.
Jeff: Becky, you suck at building fire.
Becky: Yeah well, I almost broke a nail. Why couldn’t Ozzy just bring me a fire?
Jeff: Becky, you suck. We know you are a whore. Did Yul at least get to fuck you?
Becky: We’re just close friends. But now that he has a million dollars, I’ll lather up his egg roll anytime.
Jeff: Yul, you are one of the World’s Sexiest Men. Doesn't anyone else know you are gay? Because you looked really uncomfortable when Poverty got naked in the hot tub.
Yul: Eww. She was nasty. I’ve never seen a woman blow bubbles with that part of her anatomy. But I couldn’t leave because I thought they’d make another porno movie.
Clips of Ozzy being heroic.
Jeff: Ozzy, you are an uneducated unemployed Mexican porn star, but you seem born to play this game. How did you learn all this shit?
Ozzy: The Rio Grande, she is very deep reever senor. I lear-nd to sweem nort, un estoy contento. I learned a lot of things while on the lam from poppy farmers in Panama, and some of it I learned while doing human trafficking across the Arizona border. Most of it I learned while being a beach bum/surfing porn star. And of course, I am tremendously gifted.
Jeff: Poverty got naked and begged for it. Was that the best thing ever?
Ozzy: eh. Jenna Bush did the same thing in the alley outside a San Antonio bar. The best part of this was showing the world the glory that is Ozzy. I am, in fact, part monkey. I would rather be in the jungle, because I can fling poo and masturbate wildly, just like at home.
Jeff: It’s time for a reminder; Daddy hates you.
Ozzy: Yes, yes he does.
Jeff: Enough about you. But speaking of bastards, wasn’t Jonathan at least interesting?
Clips of Jonathan.
Jeff: Jonathan, are you a simple jackass, or are you a complete jackass?
Jonathan: It was a game, and I played it the only way I knew how. As a complete jackass. But at least I’m not Becky.
Jeff: Yeah, she sucks. … Now I have to talk to some other people. Jenny, why do you look like a Manila whore?
Jenny: Me love you long time, fo dolla. Did you know I was on Survivor? If I’d been in that hot tub, I would have won that “balance on a pole” challenge right there.
Jeff: I’ve already forgotten you. And I’d like to forget Sekou, but I at least I won’t have to talk to him if I let him sing his lame song for 7 seconds.
Sekou: Surrrrr. Viiii. Vurrrr. Sing it with me. Surrrrr. Viiii. Vurrrr.
Crowd: mumbleyawnmumble.
Clips of Cao Boi.
Jeff: Cao Boi, you freaky gook imbecile, you’ve set back the progress of humanity about 800 years. Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you now.
Cao Boi: All my life I’ve been a fuck-up, but I’m too deranged to care. I must have eaten too many flea collars.
Jeff: People really hate you. Yul, tell me you hate this jackass.
Yul: I knew some lame retard was going to humiliate his race. I’m just glad it wasn’t me. Because, you know, I formed a multi-ethnic coalition, and through that microcosm of a diverse universe, I achieved more power than the prophet Mohammed. In some small way I hope we proved that it’s not the color of your skin that matters. What matters is the ability to locate and manipulate morons wherever they exist. It’s just easier with Beaners, Chinks and Darkies.
Jeff: Nate, I hear your homies were up in your hood about not representin. Wassup wit dat?
Nate: Dey was pissed cause I said dey could all fuck Poverty. You know dey jus loves living in poverty. But dey dint knowed dat Poverty was a slamming white chick who’d fuck anyting. Den de gotz mad cause I was doin the Mandingo thing with a white chick sted a stickin wit da sistas. So’s dey want me to fuck Rebecca. Den I did Rebecca and her sista up da ass, and iz all good now.
Jeff: Stephannnnie, are you a racist?
Stephannnnie: Fo shizzle.
Jeff: Rebecca, are you a racist?
Rebecca: No, hell no. Whachoo tawkin bout, Willis? I just think Nate should have stuck with his own kind. Let da white folk pick dey own cotton.
Jeff: Brad, try to convince us you’re straight.
Brad: Isn’t Yul just dreamy? Together we could change the world’s horrible stereotype of a highly educated Asian geek who never gets any anal sex.
Jeff: Speaking of buttfucking… Candice, did coconut milk work as a lubricant for you and Adam? And did you have to smear a little aloe on there later?
Candice: Oh there was nothing like that going on. I was merely trying to make Billy jealous.
Adam: Hey, I fucked her, and she won’t stop calling.
Nate: Tell me about it. Once Poverty got blacksnaked she won’t stop rakin my dick. Dat’s one purty mouth wit all dem Chicklet teeth and those big wide lips. Damn girl, get on it!
Poverty: Ohhh God I need it now!!!
Jeff: Poverty, tell us about your box. Or your boxing. That’s really just porn, right?
Poverty: Oh hell yeah. But porn can be hard work, Jeff. Hasn’t Julie told you that already? I have to do guys and girls and take facials and squeal on cue...
Jeff: Shut up now. We’re running out of time, and I need to acknowledge other people although their comments are not worth noting. J.P. is a model, Cristina’s fellow cops made fun of her, Cecelia has a very annoying voice, Flicka’s hair is still a rat nest but she’s drugged so she doesn’t care, and Billy you fat fuck, you actually thought Pepsodent perfect Candice would ever get naked with you?
Billy: I would love to stick her foot in my mouth. And once I get the restraining order lifted, we will be together always.
Jeff: SHIT! Speaking of cursed losers, we forgot to give away the damn car this year! Ozzy, here’s an SUV so you can smuggle your family across the border.
And now, with any luck, you can wipe this reprehensible season out of your minds when I play this hyped up video of the next island nation we intend to alienate.
We’re changing the game again. This time one tribe will get all the food they can eat, while the other tribe will get all the food they can eat, plus napkins. The hidden idol thing sucked so bad, we’re doing it twice. We’re gonna give these assholes sticks and let them beat each other. That’s if the snakes don’t kill them first. And somebody does something that will change the course of human evolution and realign the planets. Maybe I’ll even get a new shirt.
We’ve gotten so desperate we’re casting homeless street beggars. Join us next time for
Survivor: Squeegee in Fiji! ¶ 3:42 AM 2 Comments
Monday, December 18, 2006
Episode Thirteen – The One Where Dweeze Gives New Meaning To Phoning It In
Previously on Survivor: The worst wet t-shirt contest ever. Read about it here. And read the onefrom the week before, too, because it was the BEST SUMMARY EVER WRITTEN. Okay, back at camp. Post-Jonathan camp is a peaceful, beautiful place, whereeveryone dreams of finally getting past the turmoil and setting the world right again. Sort of like the United States will be on January 21, 2009.
You know, I’m just going to phone this one in. I need to get it posted before the finale summary goes up, and it’s not like very many are reading anyway. So here goes.
Adam/Parvati angle to stay in game.
Adam/Paravti realize one of them needs to win reward or Adam is going to Exile Island again. Or going to see Exile perform again, which would be just as bad.
Mud wrestling – oh boy! Okay, collect mud on your body, dump it in a bucket, see which bucket weighs the most. Winner goes to spa. So do second and third place finishers. None of this “choose who goes with you” stuff.
Parvati has a nice body. Sundra may as well, though it’s tough to tell.
Ozzy wins – surprise! Yul and Parvati finish second and third. Adam goes to Exile. Sundra and Becky go back to camp.
Becky tells Sundra that Ozzy is too competitive and that they should vote him out. Maybe toss the Raro’s first?Cut to spa. Naked hot-tubbing as clothes are washed. Parvati half-heartedly hits on Ozzy. Yul is repulsed.
Back to camp, Becky is tense. Probably jealous of Yul in hot tub with naked Parvati. MMMM. Naked Parvati.
Sarcastic comment set-up: After the winners return, Parvati is in the shelter, sleeping. Sundra asks where Parvati is. Becky says Parvati is resting after her hard day at the spa.
Immunity challenge. Yet another balance, carry bundles challenge. This has the added pleasure of having contestants make a maze, then roll two balls down the maze into two holes. How about we don’t even bother having the challenge, just let Ozzy keep the immunity necklace, and head right to tribal council?
Ozzy wins!
Various efforts by Adam and Parvati to forestall their inevitable demise from the game. Yul tells Parvati she is the bigger threat, giving us the answer to the question “How dumb is Adam?” “Adam is so dumb, he makes Parvati look like a strategic genius.”
Off to tribal council, but first, Yul grabs Jonathan’s hat since Jonathan said he wanted his hat back. Yul worries Probst will accuse them of trying to influence the jury, so Yul just leaves the hat on the jury bench and sits down. That way, no one will know who brought it.
Jonathan sees hat, laughs. Funny hat!
Jeff: Jonathan, Yul brought you your hat. He’s trying to sway votes.
Yul: No I’m not.
Becky: Yes he is.
Yul: No I’m not!
Sundra: Yes he is!
Yul: No I’m not!!
Ozzy: Yes he is!!
Yul: NO I’M NOT!
Adam and Parvati: YES HE IS!!!
Yul: Maybe I am.
Jeff: You know, ultimately I’m as bored as Dweeze is. Let’s wrap this up. Parvati, fuck anyone at the reward?
Parvati: I tried, but Ozzy got drunk and I think Yul’s gay.
Yul: NO I’M NOT!
Becky: That would explain his ability to resist my feminine charms.
Jeff: Adam, considering you’re a pretty physically healthy guy, you’ve got to believe your inability to win a challenge makes you a major loser.
Adam: Sure does, Jeff. Sure does.
Jeff: All right. Let’s vote.
They vote, Jeff reads, Parvati goes home.
On the next Survivor: The usual finale blather, with all the remainingcontestants and a one-word description of them. Plus, we are told five contestants, three tribal councils, and one big surprise. Uhm, didn't youjust give away the one big surprise? If there are only three tribal councilsleft, that means we either have a double-boot coming up (one tribal council to get from five to three, one tribal council to get from three to two, andthen the final tribal council) or else we are going to have our first finalthree (one tribal council to get from five to four, one tribal council to get from four to three, and then the final tribal council). Even if I hadn'tread the spoilers, I would be inclined to pick the latter. After all,there's too much of a risk that you will have two immunity idols in play at the next two tribal councils, Yul's and Ozzy's. That'd be a huge unfairadvantage to the remaining three, and while I think it's cool to be thatvicious earlier in the game, at this late a date it's way too harsh. The problem with a three-person finale, on the other hand, is that you've gotthe possibility of a tie, either a three-way tie at 3 votes apiece, or atwo-way tie at four votes for one person, four votes for another person, and one vote for the other person. If that's the result, how do you break thetie? Interesting question. Interesting question.
Oh, and Parvati got to speak again before she left. ¶ 12:08 PM 3 Comments
Friday, December 08, 2006
Episode Thirteen – The One With The Worst Wet T-Shirt Contest Ever
Previously on Survivor
Hmm. I wonder if anyone wrote the MOST AWESOME SUMMARY IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMARY WRITING about last week’s episode? Oh, and Candice got booted.
We open at camp after tribal council. Jonathan tells us that he was called all kinds of names, and that he is now the bad guy. He says no one knows what it’s like to be the bad guy, to be the sad guy, behind blue eyes. Roger Daltrey does, Jonathan. Roger Daltrey does. Anyway, he adds that everyone else is acting like he is the only one who lied, he is the only one who tried to manipulate things his way, but they all know it’s not true. Still, he’s going to keep his chin up and keep punching, and he’s not going to let a bunch of kids keep him down. Or ruin his lawn. Or hide his paper.
Next morning, the women are chopping coconuts, just like womenfolk should. Parvati, unfamiliar with the concept of work, decides to chop her thumb off. You know, just for kicks. The quick thinking cameramen spring to work, making sure they get their shots and ignore the contestant writhing in pain. Eventually the crack Survivor medical team arrives and the doctor leaves Parvati in stitches. Literally. He sews up her thumb, puts a bandage and wrap on it, then has an administrative assistant ask her for her co-payment.
Cut to the reward challenge. The survivors walk in, and Jeff asks Parvati about her thumb. She gives him a thumb’s up, and he asks if she can get it wet. He’s apparently talking about the thumb, but you never know for sure. No, he does mean the thumb, because the challenge involves water. The survivors must fill a bucket from the lagoon, then dump the water into another bucket. That bucket is attached to a lever which is attached to a pole which has a flag attached to it. When the bucket has enough water in it, the bucket will drop, pulling the pole and the flag up. The pole must touch the wood base in order to have the flag raised completely. The first person to touch wood and get their flag fully erect wins reward and gets to both eat out in a spectacular cave and eject someone to exile. And yes, that’s all code.
This is either the easiest challenge ever or there is some complication coming. Hmm. Seven people and one episode left after tonight before the finale. Can you say family visit? Of course you can, and you should.
First out is Jonathan’s wife, director Stacy Title. You may know her from such hits as The Devil Wear Black (see the discussion in the previous summary of this cinematic masterpiece), Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror, and The Last Supper. Hey! I had actually heard of The Last Supper, the film where a bunch of leftists kill rightwingers. (See the trailer here, after a brief Moviefone commercial. Look for a bearded Jonathan as Marc being taken hostage, killing Bill Paxton, and then a quick shot after Cameron Diaz.) Next out is Parvati’s dad Mike; Adam’s dad George; Becky’s sister Sarah, who was given two mules by the production staff; Yul’s brother Godwin, er, Paul; Ozzy’s mom Gina, seemingly fresh from her shift at the strip club; and Sundra’s mom, Jeanette.
Our family members are the complicating factor to the challenge. The survivors will be have to toss the water they pull out of the lagoon to their family member, who will then toss the water into the bucket attached to the pole with the flag. The winning survivor will get to enjoy the reward with their family member.
I just realized something. This is honestly and truly a family visit; we have four parents, two siblings, one spouse, and no best friends/fiancées/business partners/in-laws/guys-coming-to-tell-us-our-grandmother-died-in-order-to-scam-the-other-contestants.
Just in case this wasn’t difficult enough, the survivor will be blindfolded, relying only on the verbal cues of the family member to get the water in the bucket. Sadly, I think the chances of anyone saying “It’s puts the water in the bucket or it gets the hose again” are slim.
Survivors ready? Begin. And with that, the worst wet t-shirt contest ever begins. Our only clue on the status of the challenge is Jeff’s commentary. He tells us that Ozzy-Gina, Parvati-Mike, and Jonathan-Staci are all doing well. He then helpfully points out to the other contestants that Staci is wringing the water out of her shirt into the bucket. This prompts Gina to do the same thing, which enables us to see the worst unpixalated thing on the show since we saw Lillian swimming. Gina leans into the bucket and tries to sassily, and sexily, wring water out of her shirt into the bucket.
I have to confess I’m not sure what happened next, because I was too busy trying to unsee what I had just seen. Somehow, Parvati and her dad, Mike, pulled out the win. In a move no one was surprised by, she chooses to send Jonathan to Exile Island, causing everyone to dance. Dance, everyone!
Staci doesn’t get to accompany Jonathan to Exile Island, which is probably a good thing. The two of them would have had an impromptu conjugal visit, and none of us wants to see that. Instead, Jonathan kisses her and walks off to the no-longer-quit-boat. Probst then tells Parvati that two others and their family members will go on the reward with her, but that her dad will choose who they are. Ozzy and Yul! Ozzy and Yul! Nope, he picks Sundra and Adam.
You know, this next bit is the same stuff we’ve seen before. A bunch of folks who haven’t been to camp before come to camp and learn something special about their loved ones. They then go to a reward. A bunch of talking is done about the person not there. The only thing unique is that, while Adam, Parvati, and Sundra are off at the reward, Yul, Ozzy, and Becky decide to hide all the food. It’s one of the coolest, and best, strategic decisions anyone has ever made in the game. Why feed your competitors? They immediately drop the plan, however, when Adam, Parvati, and Sundra return from the reward with a bag full of extra food. And a pocketful of kryptonite.
Okay, immunity challenge time. This one involves racing out over the lagoon on a series of floating obstacles, retrieving a bundle of sticks, then racing back. They have to do this twice, getting two bundles. Once both bundles are back, they use the sticks to make a long pole (heh), then use their long pole (heh heh) to retrieve two rings. If at any point they fall into the water, they have to go back to the beach and start that trip again. I’m not sure why they don’t just give the damn idol to Ozzy right now and be done with it.
Indeed, Ozzy gets off to fast start. Yul does too, but he quickly falls into the water. Becky, Parvati, and Sundra have apparently realized they can’t possibly win, preferring instead to try to keep from getting wet. It’s a wise course of action, because Yul is the only other person to get both bundles of sticks back to the beach by the time Ozzy has gotten his long pole (heh) together and won immunity. The only truly fun thing about the challenge was hearing Jeff talk about Ozzy getting his pole together (heh heh), wondering if Ozzy’s pole was long enough (heh heh heh), and then wondering if Yul could get his pole together before Ozzy was able to slip his pole into the key rings (heh heh heh heh - Aw, hell. Let’s just turn it over to the experts.
All right. Time for the usual pre-tribal council bullshit. Jonathan’s loser sense tells him something has changed around camp. We get several shots of people blatantly ignoring him when he asks them questions. Both he and Adam approach Yul, pleading their cases. Their cases, on the other hand, say nothing on their own behalf. It’s all pretty standard maneuvering, and I can’t really get too worked up about it. Let’s just go to tribal council.
Jeff: Apparently Dweeze wants to cover ten minutes of show with one paragraph. Can’t say I blame him. Parvati, which was better, spending time with your dad or getting the good food?
Parvati: My dad, Jeff. I can’t fuck food. Except for bananas and certain squashes, of course. Oh, and one time a baguette. But I was young, and in an experimental phase.
Jeff: Oh kay. Moving on. Why send Jonathan to Exile? Did you consider anyone else?
Parvati: I’m a moron, Jeff, but even I’m not that dumb.
Jeff: Ozzy, was camp life with Jonathan the bestest, most glorious day ever or the most glorious, bestest day ever?
Ozzy: Both Jeff. Both.
Jeff: What have you learned about yourself, Jonathan?
Jonathan: That I’m okay, and they’re all jerks. I deserve to be here! Tell me why I don’t deserve to be here!
Adam: You don’t deserve to be here because you are a constant flopper and it’s frustrating to see my friends and former teammates on the jury.
Dweeze: You stup-
Jonathan: I got it Dweeze. Your teammates? You mean like Brad, Jenny, and Rebecca?
Jeff: Yul, do you want to say anything stupid you will regret later?
Yul: Sure, Jeff. I have the idol and I am in control. Everyone must bow down before me. I am the biggest threat to win it all!
Allrighty then, time to vote. Who should they vote for, Adam or Jonathan? I know. They need to vote for the instant karma party right now! Hit it!
Votes are cast, tallied, and read. In that order, because it wouldn’t make sense any other way. Jonathan is the one going, much to his surprise. Adam and Candice eye-fuck at the news, although when Candice eye-says-call-me, Adam looks away. Jeff snuffs Jonathan’s torch, Jonathan asks that he get his hat back (he didn’t bring his stuff with him to tribal), and Jeff tells us that trust should be an issue for everyone left in the game. Right. Like it wasn’t before.
On the next Survivor, Adam and Parvati were apparently lying when they said that if Jonathan were voted out, they wouldn’t try to advance their own cause any. I’m shocked – SHOCKED – that these two might go back on their word. On, and Yul is apparently scared of Ozzy. He should be, of course, because at this point I don’t see how Ozzy doesn’t win this thing.
As we fade into people stuck in cement in Vegas, Jonathan tells us that the others were terrible liars and that they should have told him to his face that he was going. He rants for so long, I half-expected the orchestra to start playing to cut him off. He says that now they’ll have a peaceful camp, but they’ll have to deal with the fact that everyone back stabs, not just him, and that four of them will join him on the jury.
Awww. Sounds like Jonathan needs some cheering up. Here’s a little something to say goodbye to him by.
¶ 2:52 PM 2 Comments
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Episode Twelve – The One With The Self-Absorbed Bitches and A Ton of Videos
Previously on Survivor:
Jonathan, in one of the best pieces of gameplay we’ve seen in several seasons, jumped ship (again) in order to improve his chances in the game. We anticipate that this will not go over well with his former tribemates. Let’s look in!
We open at camp after tribal council. Do you suppose they ever want to just go out to the Ground Round after tribal council, get some beers and appetizers, and relax? Yeah, probably not. Too long of a walk. Anyway, Jonathan tells us that he would rather see Aitu win that his former Raro tribemates, and that he believes he made the right choice in switching. Right on both scores, Jonathan.
We next see Sundra, Ozzy, and Yul talking,. Sundra says it was tough to contain herself when she saw the stunned looks on the faces of Raro. Yul says in confessional that he wanted to use the idol in a way that would change the game in his favor. It speaks volumes that he was able to put the idol into play without ever actually putting the idol into play. That’s what brains will get you.
Speaking of brains, or more precisely, the lack thereof, we cut to Parvati lecturing Jonathan about integrity. That’s like W. lecturing Glenn Greenwald about the importance of the Constitution. Anyway, Parvati begins by telling Jonathan that no one likes him and that she hopes he’ll be happy with second place, because he isn’t going to win. Let’s do the math, shall we? Now, I for one do not necessarily believe, as Jonathan does, that Jonathan would have been Aitu’s target if he had declined Yul’s offer to jump ship. Aitu has played a great strategic game, and if Jonathan had declined, I think they probably would have targeted Adam in a “get-rid-of-the-guy-who-can-win-individual-immunity-challenges” vote. Besides, you would want to keep him around to try to get him to flop again when it was 4-4 between the tribes. But Jonathan was going to go soon, and he would not have lasted until second place. Indeed, if Yul did not have the idol, and the Raro’s had been able to pull a straight Pagonging and eliminate the four Aituans before voting off a Raro, Jonathan would have, at best, made it to fifth place, and if you ask me, even that is doubtful, because they probably would have decided, when they had a 5-2 vote advantage, to vote him out then. So yes Parvati, I imagine Jonathan is quite happy that he was able to advance his position in the game by flipping sides.
But is that the end of the bullshit trickling out of her mouth? Not a chance. She then tells him that she is disappointed in him, that his betrayals are vile to her, that they make her sick to her stomach. Well, Parvati, just how do you suppose that Brad, Rebecca, and Jenny feel about the way you betrayed them?
But does it end there? Not a chance. Parvati then tells us in confessional that she wanted to throw up all over Jonathan’s face, but, she didn’t because usually when she does that it costs the client an extra five bills and she wasn’t going to do it to Jonathan for free.
We cut back to Jonathan telling her, and the just-arrived Adam, that if he hadn’t switched, he would have been the next one gone. Parvati scoffs at this notion, just as she scoffs at the idea that there are people in the world who have to mow their own lawns and do their own shopping. Jonathan tries to patiently explain that Yul had the idol, that if Jonathan hadn’t switched the Aituans would have voted for Jonathan and that, when Yul played the idol, Jonathan would have gone home. Parvati once again opens her mouth to say Yul didn’t have the idol, at which point Jonathan tells her that Yul did have the idol, that he showed it to him. And then he pointed out on the doll where Yul touched him. This shuts her up, for all five seconds, at which point she tells Jonathan she doesn’t believe a word he says about anything, particularly not about that sun rising in the east thing.
Cut to the next morning, where for some reason Parvati has asked Sundra to show her how to clean fish. Jonathan says in confessional that it’s 28 days in and this is the first time Parvati has shown any interest in helping.
Another cut, this time to Adam, who tells us that Jonathan sucks at life. That may be, but he certainly knows more about Survivor than you do, Adam.
Now, I don’t know about you, but all this bitching has made me hungry for a reward challenge. And Survivor does not disappoint, giving us not just a reward challenge, but the ever-popular, ever-thrilling auction reward. Yippee! Hot auction action!
Jeff gives everyone $500, at which point Parvati throws up in his face. Sorry. That’s a more disturbing image than I had thought it would be. There’s a new rule this time. Although Survivors can still borrow money from each other, auction items cannot be shared. As always, the auction can end without warning at any time. Also as always, it is an exhibition, not a competition. Please. No wagering.
The first item up for bid is unknown. The bidding goes up until Jonathan bids $100. This is the winning bid, and the item is a hot dog, fries, and a beer. Hmm. Hot dog, fries, and a beer for $100. They must have picked the item up at Wrigley. Jonathan picks the food up, takes it back to his spot, and promptly spills beer all over Adam and Candice.
The next item is a bubble bath and a piece of chocolate cake. Parvati, who wants to be the girl with the most cake, opens the bidding. A bidding war opens between her, Ozzy, and Adam, then Jonathan steps in and bids $300. Parvati goes to $320, Jonathan to $340, and Parvati wins it at $360. Jeff questions whether Jonathan really wanted the item or if he just wanted Parvati to spend all money. We are then treated to an emaciated Parvati taking a bath, and for all the negative things I said earlier, I will say her body is natural.
The next item is also unknown, but there is a paw print on it, so we are given a clue. A clue, a clue! We’ll need our handy, dandy notebook! We’re all going to pay Jeff’s clues, cause it’s a really great game. The clue says “this item will give you power in the game”. Jonathan opens with a bid of $400, his remaining money. Candice responds with a bid of $500, all her money. Becky asks Yul for a loan, then bids $600. Parvati, from the bathtub, asks why Becky needs power because the Aituans have the numbers. This is the sort of highly-advanced strategic thinking that helped Raro go from an eight to four advantage to a five to three disadvantage.
Candice asks Adam for a loan, then bids $620. Becky responds with a $640 bid, and Candice goes no higher. Uhm, Candice. Do you really think that some power in the game isn’t worth bidding as much as you possibly can? Apparently not, because Becky’s $640 bid takes it. Jeff hands her the item, which is a note telling her that she gets to send one person to Exile Island and take their money. By this time, not only do all the Aituans say “Candice” in unison, so does every crew member, Jeff, any passing natives, and all local fauna. The Aituans are so happy to see Candice go, the can’t help but dance! (Hat tip to Firedoglake.)
Candice hands Becky her money, then prepares to take off. Jeff tells her that at least she can search for the hidden immunity idol, prompting laughter from everyone. Candice says she knows where the idol is, and Yul pops up, saying he wants to end all suspense and say that he has the idol. Jeff asks for him to show it, meaning that Yul has now shown his immunity idol (not code) to every living person on the island. Jeff asks why he was willing to reveal that, and Yul explains that he wanted to save the idol until he could make a game-changing move with it and that, he had already made a game-changing move with it so there was no longer any reason to keep it secret.
Candice leaves, and the auction continues. Next up is a soft-serve ice cream machine. Once again Jonathan makes a huge bid, which Ozzy trumps. Ozzy shows his style, and reveals his inner child, by placing his mouth on the spigot to eat the ice cream.
This brings up another mystery item, which Jonathan wins for $240. It’s a huge slice of pizza, and he eats it in the most obnoxious manner he possibly can. I begin to wonder if Jonathan hasn’t chosen to play up his obnoxiousness in order to make him a more attractive final two candidate for the others. The item after that is another mystery, which Sundra buys for $140. It is a sea cucumber straight from the beach. After that is a toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash. Everyone chips in to allow Jonathan to buy it. After that the auction is over, and with that, the reward challenge is over.
Back to the beach after the challenge. Yul tells us it was difficult watching other people eat. Perhaps you should have spent some of your cash, then? Jonathan says nothing, just belches. Then belches again. Actually, that second belch may have been me. Nonetheless, Becky tells us she can smell the Pepperoni on his breath. I can’t wait until later, when she can tell us what she smells in his farts. She and Sundra corner Yul and ask him if he really wants to take Jonathan to the final four. Final four? Didn’t you watch last week, when Yul told Jonathan he was the perfect final two partner?
Adam and Parvati witness the threesome talking, and ponder whether this portends a fortuitous fracturing in the foundation of the Aitu alliance and, if so, if it be something that they might deftly turn to their advantage. And yes, I know that Adam and Parvati would not have understood a word I just wrote beyond in, of, and, and it. Parvati approaches Sundra and Becky and tells them that if Jonathan reaches the final four, she’ll shoot herself. They both agree that this is the best argument in favor of taking Jonathan to the final four anyone could possibly make.
Parvati leaves, and Sundra and Becky agree with her basic premise, that they don’t like Jonathan. Yul joins the discussion, and also agrees that he doesn’t like Jonathan. Jonathan then joins the discussion, and he agrees with the other three that he doesn’t like himself. But he does dislike other people more.
Cut to Candice at Exile Island. Hard to tell if this is footage from this or one of the hundred previous visits Candice made to Exile Island. I do know that the producers decided to start charging her rent there. Candice tells us in confessional, though can it really be considered a confessional when no one else is around, that she really needs immunity, which is a good a sign as any that the immunity challenge is almost here.
And now it is here. At least the treemail is, which tells everyone that they need to recall key moments in the game, because their past will affect their future. I think “their past will affect their future” was a tag line for last week’s episode of Heroes. Anyway, it appears to be a mental challenge, which means Adam and Parvati are doomed, unless of course Aitu realizes they don’t need to put any effort into winning the challenge, that instead they can blow it off and relax and watch Adam, Parvati, and Candice do all the work.
We get to challenge beach, and Jeff explains the challenge. It is a mental challenge. Jeff will ask questions, each with a number for an answer. The survivors will then add, subtract, or divide their answers to get a final number. They then open a box with that number on it. If they are correct, they get a key, which unlocks a rope, that then raises a flag. The first three to raise their flag (not code) go on to the next round, when the whole thing begins again, this time with an obstacle course between the box with the key and the flag.
The challenge begins and the four Aituans sit down to a nice brunch to work on the morning crossword puzzle. Well, not really. They all make lazy attempts to solve the puzzle, but none of them seem particularly worried about winning immunity. Jeff asks the questions, which include “How much did Cao Boi charge U.S. soldiers for a night with his sister?” and “How many venereal diseases has Flicka had in her life?” and “Expressed as a number, how gay is Brad?” Jonathan, Adam, and Parvati are able to advance to the next round, where the questions included “How much did Billy weigh?” and “How many of the beginning contestants were totally forgettable?” (this was a trick question – the answer, of course, was all of them) and “How many ‘n’’s in Stephannnnnnnie’s first name?” Thanks to Aitu’s intentional tanking, Adam is able to win this challenge.
Back at camp, Candice tells us in confessional that she is upset that it appears Jonathan will go farther in the game than her. You icky, icky Jonathan! You and your “gameplay” and “strategy” and “trying to advance your position in the game”! How dare you outlast sweet, innocent, self-absorbed Candice?
Adam, Parvati, and Candice attack, I mean, approach Yul and try to convince him that Jonathan should go next. Candice says Jonathan is a disgusting rat, which is a horrible thing to say about the executive producer of Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror and the writer, executive producer, and star of Let The Devil Wear Black.
Just because I think you all need to read it, here’s the plot summary for 1999’s Let The Devil Wear Black (courtesy of IMDB).
A college student (Jonathan Penner) launches an investigation into his wealthy father's death when he suspects his mother (Jacqueline Bisset) and his uncle (Jamey Sheridan) may have been involved. His suspicions seem cemented when the two announce their impending marriage only shortly after the death. The student's girl friend (Mary-Louise Parker) is also revealed to be increasingly unstable as the investigation progresses.
Two things to note: First, can you say Hamlet-ripoff? Second, Jonathan playing a college student in a 1999 film when he was 37 YEARS OLD? Nice cast though; Jacqueline Bisset was hot - in 1977. The shots of her swimming in The Deep fueled an 18-year old Dweeze’s fantasies on many a night.
But I digress.
All three say that Jonathan should be voted off before they go, prompting Yul to ask why they think voting Jonathan off next will help them. They say it won’t, they just want him gone, and that if Yul helps they get rid of Jonathan next, they will vote for Yul at the final tribal council. Right. You’ll just lie down, let yourselves be voted off as the next three contestants, and not make any effort to try to get someone to switch at seven people.
You know, having typed that, I don’t think any of the three of Adam, Parvati, and Candice are clever enough to be thinking that far ahead. But it’s still an absolutely idiotic suggestion to make.
Yul tells them he knows how Jonathan will act, that Jonathan is a rational self-interested player. Candice apparently takes this to be an insult. Jonathan then walks up, has a brief encounter with Adam’s coconut (once again, not code), then walks off to prepare the fish he caught. As he does so, Adam, Parvati, and Candice retire to the shelter, where Parvati gets to watch Adam and Candice make out.
Jonathan prepares his fish (also not code) and asks the Aituans if they really need to share the fish, Share The Fish being my favorite Guess Who song. Actually it isn’t. That would be No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature with Star Baby a close second. Let’s listen, shall we?
Anyway, Ozzy says that no, there is no such thing as a free lunch. I much prefer the expression “there is no such thing as a free brunch” but that’s just me. Candice, Adam, and Parvati smell the vittles cooking and come out and confront the group. First Candice comes out, waving her hand up in everyone’s grill, saying “why you fools eating without us” which Jonathan ignores, asking back if she called him a disgusting rat, and she gets up in his face, saying he is a betrayer and no one likes him and Yul called him selfish at which point Yul tells her not to speak for him and corrects her and says he called Jonathan rational and self-centered with Candice still apparently thinks is an insult but Jonathan ignores it and instead talks about how they all came back from the challenge and the Aituans and he started to work and Adam, Parvati, and Candice just lay around doing nothing causing Candice to say that everyone lies down sometime at which point Jonathan says that’s bollocks, which honest to God is the first time I’ve heard anyone use bollocks in a sentence since I was a freshman in college and Never Mind The Bollocks, It’s The Sex Pistols had just come out and a friend of mine kept going around saying “God save the queen, she ain’t no human being” everywhere but Jonathan just said it and he goes on telling Candice that the rest of them work hard everyday and she says he just works hard to weasel his way into groups and out of the line of fire and Candice, bitch, what the hell is wrong with weaseling anyway because as Homer Simpson once said “Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel” so there at which point Jonathan thanks her for not namecalling and Candice says I’m not namecalling you stupid weasel at which point Jonathan really flies off the handle and says he is not acting any differently now than he has acted for the previous 30 days at which point he leaves in a huff, or maybe a minute and a huff.
Cut to Yul telling Becky that he has no idea how he is going to get on the jury’s good side. One thing at a time, dude. One thing at a time.
Off to tribal council, my favorite part of every summary, except for the html parts of the dialogue.
Jeff: Becky, why did you send Candice to Exile Island again?
Becky: I hate her. Duh. Can we dance again about it?
Jeff: Sure.
Jeff: Candice, how does it feel to be hated?
Candice: Ask Jonathan, not me. It’s not like I betrayed anyone.
Ozzy, Sundra, Becky, Yul: Ahem.
Jeff: Ozzy. Any cool fights at camp this afternoon.
Ozzy: Didn’t you read the rest of the summary?
Jeff: I tried, but when Dweeze does the extended run-on sentence bit it makes my eyes glaze over.
Candice: I didn’t get any fish?
Jeff: No fish? Are you a fucking seal? I’ll be sure to call the whambulance for you.
Parvati: We weren’t invited to dinner!
Jeff: Did you do anything to help catch or make dinner? You know, like work?
Parvati: I’m not familiar with this work concept, Jeff, but your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Adam: Everyone but Jonathan was happy with the amount of work we do around camp?
Ozzy, Sundra, Becky, Yul: The hell?
Parvati: You know, I’m half Jonathan’s age, but I’m twice as mature.
Jeff: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
Jonathan: If I may show my immaturity, we all realize that they are hurt and disappointed that events turned against them. But that’s no excuse not to work around camp. Why should the people working feed the people who aren’t working?
Candice: No, they are all so arrogant, they have the numbers, and they don’t want to feed us.
Jeff: I see the footage, you stupid fuckers. I saw the footage when the group of you were so confident you had the game in hand you weren’t even willing to consider it when Jonathan said that you should take into account that Yul might have the idol. I saw the footage when the group of you had the numbers and you sat around doing nothing, and I saw the footage now when the group of you didn’t have the numbers and you all sat around doing nothing. I SEE THE FUCKING FOOTAGE!!! Sitting around doing nothing seems to be all that you are capable of doing. So why should they feed you?
Adam: Jonathan’s a rat. A cancerous rat. A cancerous rat with cancer. Bad cancer too, not one of the good ones.
Jeff: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Dweeze: I’ll step in here while Jeff’s hyperventilating. You know, calling Jonathan, the man who played Detective Travis on CSI and Newt Glick on CSI: New York, a rat is rather unfair. I mean, where would the WB’s ill-fated attempt at reviving The Lone Ranger have been without Jonathan’s screenwriting skills. The man is an Oscar Nominee in the very competitive live action short category!
Parvati: He did outwit us.
Dweeze: The baby bird Cao Boi almost killed could outwit you, Parvati. You, Candice, and Adam are morons. Idiots. Imbeciles. Mother fuc-
Jeff: I got it Dweeze. I’m back. Okay, Yul, there appears to be three groups here. The Aituans, the Raroans, and the Jonathans.
Dweeze: Lieberman, party of one!
Jeff: I’ve got it, Dweeze! Anyway, Yul, you appear to be the U.N. what with being all international and smart and trying to make things nice and everything.
Yul: Well, the things we tell Raro are not necessarily the things we are actually considering or feeling. We can’t really be honest with them.
Parvati: Yul’s the puppetmaster, pulling everyone’s strings.
Dweeze: I’ve got some string for the two of us, Parvati…
Jeff: DWEEZE!
Yul: You can’t blame me for trying to win the game.
Parvati: Sure I can. But I do respect you for it.
Dweeze: And I’ll respe…
Jeff: DWEEZE!
Adam: I respect you too, Yul. I respect all of you Aituans. And I’d really respect you if you voted the cancerous rat out tonight, then voted each other out until it was just me and the hos left.
Jeff: Jonathan, you’ve taken a lot of abuse today. Any thoughts?
Jonathan: Do my farts still smell like pepperoni?
Candice: We’ve tried to do everything we can to turn things around, but the Aituans will do what they want, but they should know that the jury is watching everything they do. I’m not saying that because it’s a, you know, one of those things…
Jeff: A threat?
Candice: Right, one of those. I’m just saying it because that’s how it is and how it is going to be on the jury with me, Adam, Parfaiti, and the black dude.
Jeff: You mean the jury that is going to consist of three Raroans who were betrayed by you four, two Aituans who were in battle with you four, and, in all probability, Jonathan, making it a 6-4 vote against you guys?
Candice: Exactly. Hey! They said there would be no math!
Jeff: Let’s throw it back over to Dweeze for his final thoughts.
Dweeze: Thanks Jeff. Adam, you are a lazy, shiftless idiot with no discernable goals other than nailing hot chicks. I salute you. Candice, you are a self-absorbed, insufferable bitch. Parvati, if Shallow weren’t your last name, it would have to be given to you. Go Aitu. Back to you Jeff.
Jeff: Time to vote! Bring in Dieter and the monkey. And maybe Ben Stiller as Butch Patrick.
The votes are cast, the tallymon is called, the votes are read, Candice gets up to leave, but before she does she and Adam shag one last time on the ground tribal council.
Jeff: You know he’s never going to call, right?
Candice: Yes he will. He loves me. He would have done anything to keep me from being voted out.
Jeff: Like give you the immunity necklace?
Candice: Exactly! Hey, wait a minute…
Jeff: Adam, you going to call Candice?
Adam: Who?
On the next Survivor: Parvati turns into a cutter.
As we fade into the lights of Vegas, Candice tells us that she had a great time and she can look at herself in the mirror and be comfortable with the way she played. Losers can look at themselves in the mirror and be comfortable with the way they played, Candice. Winners can hire people to look at themselves in the mirror for them.
Oh, and coffee is for closers. ¶ 2:20 PM 1 Comments
