Survivor Coke Islands:
Finale and Reunion Show

A highly educated Asian geek and an uneducated, unemployed Hispanic drifter who excels at manual labor just finished telling us they’ve shattered racial stereotypes. That’s the outcome of the Survivor: Coke Islands social experiment. Delusional Self-Aggrandizement: It’s not just for white folks anymore.

Three hours wasted on this crap. Will somebody just kill Mark Burnett? Can we please nuke the South Pacific until they stop making this show?

No wonder Landru gave this up.

Three. Goddamn. Hours.

Sigh.

Jeff Probst opens the finale with a clip reel that covers all the relevant moments of the past 14 episodes in just eight minutes. I could have trimmed it to 28 seconds.

When the show finally begins for real, Meathead Adam is pouting in the hut while the Aitu Alliance gathers on the beach for some coconut-cracking mutual masturbation.

Sundra tells us that her four-person alliance never really discussed what they would do when they got down to the final four. Sucker, that mean’s you’re next. Now she’s formulatin’ a plan to vote off Ozzy. Too late, morons.

Mail arrives...



More blather about the Aitu Alliance holding on to reach the final four, with at least two of them never realizing they’ve been playing for fourth place.

The challenge is a rope obstacle course in the shape of a spider web, with bags of puzzle pieces scattered across eight stations. Retrieve the bags, assemble the puzzle, win immunity. Probst says it is the most difficult puzzle in thirteen seasons.

Off they go. Yul has retrieved his third bag before Ozzy has his first, which makes it seem that Ozzy might lose. But Ozzy went for the most time-consuming task first, so Jeff’s “coming from behind” narration is all crap. Ozzy is the first to get all the pieces. Yul and Adam begin the puzzle, and Ozzy screws it up at first, but eventually Ozzy wins his fourth straight immunity challenge.

Back at the beach, it’s already a given that Adam is eliminated. The Aitu Alliance crows, Adam pouts all over again. He eventually comes out of the hut and finally attempts to play the game in his final hours. Adam points out that Becky, Sundra and Ozzie are allowing Yul to coast to the final three. He suggests the three should vote for Yul, make him use the not-very-hidden idol, and get it out of the game to even things up in the final four. They pretend to think about it. Actually, pretending to think might be their natural state.

Tribal Council

Jeff: Ozzy, is Adam screwed?

Ozzy: Yup.

Jeff: Becky, have you done anything at all in this game?

Becky: Now that I’m in the final four, I’m going to try.

Jeff: You disgust me. Ozzy, don’t she make you itch?

Ozzy: I don’t care if I had to carry these leeches.
Nobody will give these useless women a million bucks.

Adam: Ozzy is an uneducated, unemployed Hispanic drifter; Yul is a highly educated Asian geek. But Becky and Sundra are parasites. And they are boring. And they are way too stupid to force Yul to use the immunity idol tonight.

Jeff: Becky, how stupid are you?

Becky: Stupid enough to think Yul’s going to give me the immunity idol when I lose the next challenge, and stupid enough to think the jury will give me a million dollars for that.

Yul: It’s not like that. We are a team, and we all work together and our goal was to be the final four. We’re such a great loving, soulful team and we want to stay together just like this forever.

Jeff: That’s manipulative bullshit, right?

Yul: Yup.

Votes… votes counted… Adam is sent to the jury. Candice orgasms.

The Aitu 2 plus 2 return to camp with cheers over their ability to eliminate eight straight Raro tribe members.

Yul pontificates about how the winner of Survivor will be from a minority community. Vecepia Towery, Sandra Diaz and the Fat Naked Gay Guy hurl things at their television. Yul is praising the strength of diversity in team building. He’s patting himself on the back already for assembling an alliance that includes two mannequins that don’t want to win and a challenge whore who can’t lose.

The next morning Ozzy greets the sun and tells us he’s got to win another challenge today. And the viewers have a challenge of their own. Find something else on television for the next ten minutes while these four smug assholes go burn the torches and laugh at the dozen people already eliminated. It’s the Fallen Comrades Montage and not worthy of our attention.

When they finished violating the corpses of the recently deceased, we cut to the immunity challenge. Keeping with Survivor tradition, this one is an endurance challenge. They find something really annoying and make you do it for three hours. Traipsing around a hillside gathering torches was not enough. Watching them traipse around a hillside collecting torches ought to earn us all a necklace.

For this final challenge they have to stand atop a platform, and each 15 minutes the platform will get smaller until they are standing on a post the size of a postage stamp. Yes, it’s another “Watch People Stand Still” action adventure.

Jeff also announces what we all figured out weeks ago: the final tribal council will include three finalists eligible for the million dollars.

Stand around. After 45 minutes Becky falls.
Stand around. Down to the post. Wobble wobble.
Several times Ozzy regains his balance.
Ozzy complains about sweaty balls.
Yul falls.
Stand around. Wobble wobble.
After two and a half hours, Sundra falls.
Everybody chant along: Ozzy wins immunity.

Back at camp, the final four have come to realize they soon have to vote somebody out. Looking for a fair outcome, Ozzy comes up with the plan to vote a 2-2 tie and allow Becky and Sundra to go through a final challenge. Yul agrees. Maybe I’m a cynical bastard, but it sure seems like neither Ozzy nor Yul want to piss off that final jury member.

For no intelligent reason whatsoever, Yul secretly offers the not-hidden immunity idol to Becky in order to break that 2-2 tie. For no intelligent reason whatsoever, she declines. She’s afraid that the jury will suddenly get the crazy idea she’s in the final three only because she’s a blood-sucking parasite carried to the finals in Yul’s colon.

Ozzy and Yul tell the women they’ve settled on the tiebreaker strategy. Sundra asks for Yul’s assurance there won’t be a surprise appearance of the immunity idol, and he promises her it won’t happen. Since he’s not willing to alienate a jury member, we all know a tiebreaker is coming. Anyone who’s ever seen the show would start flinging flint and practicing for a fire-building challenge. Not these losers.

At this point, intelligent viewers have changed the channel. It doesn’t matter one bit who the third finalist will be, because no one will cast a vote for Becky or Sundra anyway. It’s all filler at this point until we get to the jury. There’s no spark, shall we say?

Tribal Council

Jeff: Adam warned you stupid cows this was gonna happen. Ozzy’s safe, Yul’s got the idol, and one of you two remora are getting cut loose. Why are you so fucking stupid?

Sundra: Hummuna, hummuna, hummuna. Gulp.

Jeff: Ozzy, do you even care who goes and who stays?

Ozzy: Not really. Bring on a tiebreaker and kick a bitch out. We’re done with both of them. I just want the loser to blame Yul.

Jeff: Yul, have you done anything remarkably stupid, like offer the immunity idol to Becky, who we should point out is both a parasite and an attorney?

Yul: Jeff, using the vectors in this Venn diagram, we arrived at a solution that we hope will maximize embarrassment for Sundra and Becky, while simultaneously minimize the risk of hurt feelings that might impact negatively on my sweet and caring persona. In other words Jeff, let the bitches mud wrestle for all I care.

Jeff: Sundra, you bought that shit?

Sundra: Of course.

Jeff: Becky, would you suck him off to get the hidden idol? Have you begged for it like a dirty little girl?

Becky: Oh hell yeah.

Jeff: Well, Yul, would you like to posture for the jury a bit longer?

Yul: Oh hell yeah. I wanted to play a clean game and treat everyone with the love and respect they all deserve. Sadly, I was naïve, but I have tried to remain moral and loyal to all my wonderful friends. And I brought back Jonathan’s hat because it’s in my nature to be kind and thoughtful, particularly with such a keen opponent.

Jeff: Ozzy, would you like to give up the immunity necklace?

Ozzy: Hell no (an actual line).

Jeff: Let’s waste some time. Go vote.

As they agreed, the vote splits 2-2 for Becky and Sundra. Neither has the not-so-hidden immunity idol, so we go to the tiebreaker.

It’s the same tiebreaker we’ve seen before: Here’s a pile of twigs, here’s some coconut husk, here’s a flint and a knife. Make a fire and burn through a rope about two feet above the table. When the rope breaks, it will release and ring a large bell.

Seems simple, right?

I mean, who goes through 36 days of incredibly boring camp life without at least once saying, “Hey, let me try that fire thing, just to occupy some time.” I understand these two were lazy bloodsuckers, but did they even watch other people make fire?

Day 444 of The Fire Challenge

The two quickly build a tower of twigs, and start sparking away with the flint and steel. But it is immediately clear they have no idea what to do with an actual spark. After an hour of watching Sundra and Becky cluelessly flail about with a sharp knife, Jeff allows them to use matches.

After two hours, Jeff allows them to use gasoline.

After three hours, Jeff allows them to call on the help of a rotund uniformed middle-aged Boy Scout leader from Cincinnati, Ohio.

After four hours, the jury is treated for smoke inhalation from all the fires raging around the tribal council area. Some are also treated for burns and heat exhaustion due to television lights that heat to 1000 degrees Kelvin and cause the spontaneous combustion of their clothing.

After five hours, Jeff calls in a napalm strike. Becky flinches.

After six hours, Sundra has exhausted the supply of combustible material in the Pacific Rim. Becky appears on 60 Minutes, appealing for international aid to overcome the tragedy in the small island nation.

After seven hours, Indonesian Muslims give Becky one of their atomic suitcase bombs, which she uses to create a spark. Remaining crew members, by now soaked in rum, hurl themselves into the flame.

After eight hours, the weight of the bell causes the aging strings to unravel. Becky’s string breaks. She leaps around the stage triumphantly.

Jeff snuffs Sundra’s torch, and then prolongs the misery by sending them all back to camp for one more night.

Did anyone else note the irony in Sundra’s final words: “The fact that I even made it this far has ignited so many things…” She also goes on to say the winner needs to take her out to dinner, because she is, to the end, waiting for someone else to come along and feed her. Yes, we’re all about shattering those racial stereotypes.

The Final Three gather on the beach at sunrise to exult. Becky is proud that she turned down the offer of the immunity idol, deluding herself into thinking she has a chance in hell of winning.

Two island babes arrive with a feast, which Yul and Ozzy enjoy while Becky is wandering the beach looking for a reason to live. Ozzy tells us that Becky won’t get any votes because of her miserable performance in the challenge. Yul tells us he is happy to have made a friend like Becky, who is worth a million dollars.

I’m so sick of this shit.

Final Tribal Council

The Final Three enter. The Jury enters. Jeff calls them by name: Dasher Dancer Prancer (no wait) Brad and Rebecca and Jenny and Nate and Jonathan and Candice and Parvati and Adam and Sundra. Some of them so forgettable Jeff has to read from cue cards.

Jeff: Power to the jury brak brak brak opening statements brak brak brak jury will speak brak brak brak votes. Yul, baffle us with your bullshit.

Yul: I am Buddha. I control all, but in a friendly and beneficial way. If you vote for me, you will all find inner peace and be reincarnated as your fondest desire.

Becky: I sucked at challenges, I didn’t work around camp, I didn’t even think at all for 39 days. BUT, I made friends with people who did all those things, and this is a social game, so you should give me the money because I’m friendly. Except to some of you on the jury, and what are your names again?

(Jurors laugh in her face.)

Ozzy: I’m Mexican. The last Beaner. You guys have been trying to deport me for weeks. But I won nearly every challenge in the game single-handedly, carried my tribe out of an 8-4 disadvantage in numbers and I fed you all for a month. I’m the best player in the history of the game, and I star in porn movies. Bask in the glory that is Ozzy.

Jeff: OK jury, cut them.

Nate: Yul, you are a deity, and I’m voting for you because you can read. Ozzy, you kicked my ass every day, but climbing trees ain’t strategy, my brother. Did you do any thinking at all?

Ozzy: Oh yeah. I made sure my team threw a challenge so that the Beaners would be outnumbered the rest of the way. It was a huge strategic mistake. Sucked for the rest of the Beaners, but they are not the mighty and powerful Oz.

Nate: Becky, you suck.

Becky: Yeah, but only Yul. I ‘helped’ him make decisions. And I wouldn’t take the immunity idol when he offered it because I wanted to earn my spot in the top three. And I earned it, really really really.

Jenny: Does anyone remember me? I was on Survivor! Yul, tell us more about how the game is all about strategy and not about winning challenges so I won’t look stupid when I vote for you just because you’re not a greasy Mexican egomaniac.

Yul: I was happy to let Ozzy win the challenges, for that gave him inner peace. I was happy to let Ozzy feed us all, for that gave us all inner strength. But I planned it all, every step, from way back in the womb. Not a leaf moves on this island but by my command.

Parvati: Becky, you suck.

Becky: Why do you all keep saying that? Do I have some on my chin? I’m proud of the way I didn’t play.

Rebecca: Becky, you suck. Yul, you are smarter than God. Ozzy, you are stronger than God. Can the two of you tell me more about the wonder of you?

Yul: I think it is important that a minority finally wins this game, but one of the acceptable minorities and not an unemployed uneducated Mexican who makes dirty movies. I shatter the stereotype of highly educated Asian geek… by being a highly educated Asian geek who wears contact lenses.

Ozzy: I’m a Mexican, but not one of those Taco Bell Mexicans. I am a positive role model for all of mankind. I can make food or fire from these stones here. I have a very large penis, for which there is extensive evidence on the Internet.

Adam: You people are boring and you can’t stop bragging. Ozzy, I already promised my vote to Yul to get rid of Jonathan, but I want you to talk trash about the other finalists anyway.

Ozzy: Yul rode my coattails, and Becky rode Yul’s. I think the worst thing you can do is not try as hard as possible (except when you intend to throw a challenge) and Yul sat back and didn’t try. And Becky? Pfft. She took 39 days to make a fire. What the hell is she doing here intruding on my glory?

Candice: It should all be about me. Why is it not all about me? And Yul, I’m sick of your long-winded butt licking answers. Answer me yes or no: Isn’t it really about me?

Yul: Yes. Yes, it is all about you, and I think I’ve found love out here.

Brad: Ozzy, we’ve never met, but I’ve seen your penis on the Internet and I am in love with you. Tell us a weepy story that will make me quiver.

Ozzy: Mi padre es muy loco. He doesn’t love me. We never played catch in a cornfield, he never gave me a roll of Lifesavers. Let me pause here to act vulnerable.

Brad: Ooooohh. I got chills, and squirted a little. Thank you for that.

Sundra: OK, my turn to waste time. What have you all learned or discovered in this game?

Ozzy: I found love. I love you all. You all mean everything to me. Without you, each and every one, there would be no reason to live this fabulous life of wonderfulness that is me. Plus, I got to see Parvati naked, although she wasn’t good enough for my porn star taste.

Becky: I forgot how to tell time.

Yul: I discovered that I am a deity, who can control the universe with the power of my mind.

Jonathan: Yul, you are a lying manipulator, even better than me. I would vote for you for president. Tell us again how loyal you’ve been, even when you stabbed me in the back.

Yul: My people love me.

Jonathan: Ozzy, you are an arrogant prick who thinks you deserve to win just because you won every challenge. Wouldn’t you just blow the million dollars on crack whores?

Ozzy: I don’t need money to get laid, because I have a big penis. I’m going to blow the money on frat parties. And I’m going to change the world by recklessly impregnating anonymous women. Oh yeah, I also want to give money to struggling film students, so we can make more porn. By the way, I’ve seen your penis on the Internet, and mine’s bigger. So go ahead and vote for Yul, needledick.

Jeff: Enough of this shit. Vote.

brak brak brak… Jonathan respects Yul's highly educated Asian brain, Parvati gets greasy panties for Ozzy's big Mexican hot-tub fillin' dick.

Jeff: Here’s the votes, I’m not reading them, I’m walking to California. Take a shower and I’ll see you in three months.

The Reunion Show

Wearing the exact same clothes, Jeff strides into a Hollywood studio, greeted by wild applause from an entire room full of sycophants. He blathers on about how we got here, in case anyone is just tuning in. And he reads the votes.

One for this guy, one for that guy, none for the parasite. By a 5-4-0 count, Yul Kwon is the winner of Survivor Coke Island.

Five dozen short squinty people from Chinatown rush the stage to embrace the stereotype-smashing highly educated Asian geek millionaire. We cut to a live shot of the audience in his hometown of San Mateo, California. Everyone on screen is Asian.

Meanwhile, Ozzy’s family rushes outside to flip over cars, burn a neighborhood, and find a Taco Bell.

And the rest of the season’s contestants flood the stage for a final gasp of attention.

A few clips of Yul plotting, and more wild applause, and the buffoonery begins.

Jeff: Here we are for another vapid hour of ego massage. Yul and Ozzy, you were the best players ever, and for the first time I felt bad somebody had to lose. … except you Becky. You suck.

Let’s talk about all the things that Yul did right. Using clues any idiot could figure out, you found the barely hidden immunity idol. Wasn’t that great television?

Yul: I was so lucky. And I can spell the word mitigate. I never wanted the idol to save myself, but to make things better for my team.

Jeff: Cut the crap. Vote’s over. Let’s talk about that brainless mutiny so we can show Candice’s lily-white face a few times.

Yul: Pfft. We didn’t really need that whore. We had Ozzy, the challenge whore, to win the challenges and wear the target.

Jeff: Candice, were you happy to reinforce the bubble-headed blonde bimbo stereotype?

Candice: Well, at that point, no one had noticed I was there. I needed to make my move, even if it was the dumbest move possible, just so I didn’t end up as one of those contestants everybody forgets, like the smelly foreigners sitting around me.

Jeff: That’s the way to play the game. To get noticed, you have to have big boobs. Sundra, I need to speak to you now, but you hair is atrocious, so we’re going to show clips while you speak.

Sundra: blather blather blather about team unity, the kind of team unity you get when half the team hopes to finish fourth.

Jeff: Let’s talk about Jonathan’s compulsion to alienate people.

Yul: It was easy for him to do when I put the gun to his head.

Jeff: It's always been easy for him. Have you ever seen one of his movies?
... And then you make another deal, trading Jonathan’s execution for Adam’s vote. Is that right?

Adam: I made that deal, so I voted for Yul. I wanted to vote for Ozzy, but I would never lie or break a promise.

Jeff: Ozzy, do you want to kill Adam?

Ozzy: Adam doesn’t know this, but we’d already decided to eliminate Jonathan before he made that deal with Yul. And I guess I shoulda mentioned that, because it just cost me $900,000.

Jeff: Becky, you suck.

Yul: Becky, you suck.

Jeff: Becky, you suck at building fire.

Becky: Yeah well, I almost broke a nail. Why couldn’t Ozzy just bring me a fire?

Jeff: Becky, you suck. We know you are a whore. Did Yul at least get to fuck you?

Becky: We’re just close friends. But now that he has a million dollars, I’ll lather up his egg roll anytime.

Jeff: Yul, you are one of the World’s Sexiest Men. Doesn't anyone else know you are gay? Because you looked really uncomfortable when Poverty got naked in the hot tub.

Yul: Eww. She was nasty. I’ve never seen a woman blow bubbles with that part of her anatomy. But I couldn’t leave because I thought they’d make another porno movie.

Clips of Ozzy being heroic.

Jeff: Ozzy, you are an uneducated unemployed Mexican porn star, but you seem born to play this game. How did you learn all this shit?

Ozzy: The Rio Grande, she is very deep reever senor. I lear-nd to sweem nort, un estoy contento. I learned a lot of things while on the lam from poppy farmers in Panama, and some of it I learned while doing human trafficking across the Arizona border. Most of it I learned while being a beach bum/surfing porn star. And of course, I am tremendously gifted.

Jeff: Poverty got naked and begged for it. Was that the best thing ever?

Ozzy: eh. Jenna Bush did the same thing in the alley outside a San Antonio bar. The best part of this was showing the world the glory that is Ozzy. I am, in fact, part monkey. I would rather be in the jungle, because I can fling poo and masturbate wildly, just like at home.

Jeff: It’s time for a reminder; Daddy hates you.

Ozzy: Yes, yes he does.

Jeff: Enough about you. But speaking of bastards, wasn’t Jonathan at least interesting?

Clips of Jonathan.

Jeff: Jonathan, are you a simple jackass, or are you a complete jackass?

Jonathan: It was a game, and I played it the only way I knew how. As a complete jackass. But at least I’m not Becky.

Jeff: Yeah, she sucks. … Now I have to talk to some other people. Jenny, why do you look like a Manila whore?

Jenny: Me love you long time, fo dolla. Did you know I was on Survivor? If I’d been in that hot tub, I would have won that “balance on a pole” challenge right there.

Jeff: I’ve already forgotten you. And I’d like to forget Sekou, but I at least I won’t have to talk to him if I let him sing his lame song for 7 seconds.

Sekou: Surrrrr. Viiii. Vurrrr. Sing it with me. Surrrrr. Viiii. Vurrrr.

Crowd: mumbleyawnmumble.

Clips of Cao Boi.

Jeff: Cao Boi, you freaky gook imbecile, you’ve set back the progress of humanity about 800 years. Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you now.

Cao Boi: All my life I’ve been a fuck-up, but I’m too deranged to care. I must have eaten too many flea collars.

Jeff: People really hate you. Yul, tell me you hate this jackass.

Yul: I knew some lame retard was going to humiliate his race. I’m just glad it wasn’t me. Because, you know, I formed a multi-ethnic coalition, and through that microcosm of a diverse universe, I achieved more power than the prophet Mohammed. In some small way I hope we proved that it’s not the color of your skin that matters. What matters is the ability to locate and manipulate morons wherever they exist. It’s just easier with Beaners, Chinks and Darkies.

Jeff: Nate, I hear your homies were up in your hood about not representin. Wassup wit dat?

Nate: Dey was pissed cause I said dey could all fuck Poverty. You know dey jus loves living in poverty. But dey dint knowed dat Poverty was a slamming white chick who’d fuck anyting. Den de gotz mad cause I was doin the Mandingo thing with a white chick sted a stickin wit da sistas. So’s dey want me to fuck Rebecca. Den I did Rebecca and her sista up da ass, and iz all good now.

Jeff: Stephannnnie, are you a racist?

Stephannnnie: Fo shizzle.

Jeff: Rebecca, are you a racist?

Rebecca: No, hell no. Whachoo tawkin bout, Willis? I just think Nate should have stuck with his own kind. Let da white folk pick dey own cotton.

Jeff: Brad, try to convince us you’re straight.

Brad: Isn’t Yul just dreamy? Together we could change the world’s horrible stereotype of a highly educated Asian geek who never gets any anal sex.

Jeff: Speaking of buttfucking… Candice, did coconut milk work as a lubricant for you and Adam? And did you have to smear a little aloe on there later?

Candice: Oh there was nothing like that going on. I was merely trying to make Billy jealous.

Adam: Hey, I fucked her, and she won’t stop calling.

Nate: Tell me about it. Once Poverty got blacksnaked she won’t stop rakin my dick. Dat’s one purty mouth wit all dem Chicklet teeth and those big wide lips. Damn girl, get on it!

Poverty: Ohhh God I need it now!!!

Jeff: Poverty, tell us about your box. Or your boxing. That’s really just porn, right?

Poverty: Oh hell yeah. But porn can be hard work, Jeff. Hasn’t Julie told you that already? I have to do guys and girls and take facials and squeal on cue...

Jeff: Shut up now. We’re running out of time, and I need to acknowledge other people although their comments are not worth noting. J.P. is a model, Cristina’s fellow cops made fun of her, Cecelia has a very annoying voice, Flicka’s hair is still a rat nest but she’s drugged so she doesn’t care, and Billy you fat fuck, you actually thought Pepsodent perfect Candice would ever get naked with you?

Billy: I would love to stick her foot in my mouth. And once I get the restraining order lifted, we will be together always.

Jeff: SHIT! Speaking of cursed losers, we forgot to give away the damn car this year! Ozzy, here’s an SUV so you can smuggle your family across the border.

And now, with any luck, you can wipe this reprehensible season out of your minds when I play this hyped up video of the next island nation we intend to alienate.

We’re changing the game again. This time one tribe will get all the food they can eat, while the other tribe will get all the food they can eat, plus napkins. The hidden idol thing sucked so bad, we’re doing it twice. We’re gonna give these assholes sticks and let them beat each other. That’s if the snakes don’t kill them first. And somebody does something that will change the course of human evolution and realign the planets. Maybe I’ll even get a new shirt.

We’ve gotten so desperate we’re casting homeless street beggars. Join us next time for

Survivor: Squeegee in Fiji!  ¶ 3:42 AM