Survivor: Cook Islands. Episode Recrap+1 The One Where Size Does Indeed Matter
by Gothmog


So here we are again, me writing and you reading another in the long line of our creative efforts here at Circle Of. Before I go further, however, a caveat: I've been watching this season in a very desultory manner, but I'll soldier on for this episode to help out a friend in need and indeed. I especially was hoping to keep the TV off this week because next Tuesday is election day, and I live in Ohio. 'Nuf said. The sacrifices I make for you people.

Our story thus far: four scores* and seven years ago, EPMB brought forth on this network a new show, conceived in a pub and dedicated to the proposition that all people are attention whores and will greatly entertain us with their whistleassity. Now it's a piece of shit that jumped the shark long before Richard Bit the Shark. And yet we keep watching. You draw your own conclusions on that one.

(* I'm sure you don't need my help remembering who's scored with whom.)

Anyway. We start, as usual, with the previouslying. (I'd credit Landru for teaching me that verbal, but if try to satisfy all you footnote fetishists out there, we'll be here all day, so just go ahead and assume that anything remotely clever comes from elsewhere, mmmkay? After all, we here at Circle Of are all about the derivative humor.)

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the previouslying. There have been tribes. One is Ruhroh and the other Die-Too. I can't be bothered to remember precisely who is on which tribe because most of 'em are ferriners who all look alike to me. Hope someone checks their Green Cards before they try to vote, take my Social Security, force everyone to have abortions, and gay marry each other. Damn libruls.

At Ruhroh, some Muscular Chica was surprised to find that she'd been edited as this season's Bitch. There was the obligatory mud-wrestling challenge, 'cept'n someone forgot the mud, and the pixilation. The episode ended with the obligatory double-elim, since we started with 20 people and can't get 'em off our TVs fast enough.

At Die-Too, we learned of the Mysticism and Far-Eastern Philosophy that manifested itself in Plan DumbAss, the goal of which was to force the Hidden Immunity Idol to be played by one of two people, neither of which had it. End result? Die-Too said "Ciao, boi" to the Survivor for whom Gary Hogeboom is eternally grateful, since he's no longer the most idiotic person associated with the Kao Bois to appear on Survivor.

Not surprisingly, Ruhroh's TC demonstrated that both tribes are stocked with ferrin models with the IQ of gravel, rather than people who have, I don't know, actually watched the show. First, Die-Too got a chance to kidnap someone and save them from elimination. Did they choose the obvious target of the Chica Bitch, knowing this would throw Ruhroh's plans awry? Nope, they saved an Athletic Man most likely to whip their asses in Immunity Challenges after the merge. And Ruhroh went ahead and voted out said Bitch, whom nobody liked and would therefore make a great final-two opponent, choosing instead to keep someone who is nice, meek, and will be totally useless in the remaining pre-merge physical challenges.

Thus endeth the Previouslying. Cue the Oh-a-o-de-oh-de-oh so I can watch the intro again and try to learn who all these damn people are.

Wait, what's this? No Oh-a-o-de-oh-de-oh? Damn you, Mark Burnett. Damn you to hell. *sigh* Ok, we forage on. And I guess I'll have to start paying attention to the name thingies at the bottom of the screen.

After the obligatory nature shots, we open at Die-Too, where we (ok, I) find out that Kidnapped Athletic Man is Nate. He discusses botany with the Die-Too Alpha Male (like they actually knows what a hibiscus is) before they compare whose camp is bigger (like size actually matters--more on this later). Nate takes it as an honor that he was kidnapped, even though we already know it was only because the Die-Toos are, as we politically correct put it, Strategically Challenged. They ask him about his abilities, like if he's a good swimmer: stuff he says that don't matter. So we can be pretty sure we're heading for at least one, if not two, swimming challenges tonight.

We also discover that Jessica, whom everyone calls "Flicka" (y'all are gonna have to help me with that one, although I have to admit, she does bear a passing resemblance to a horse), was left out of the plans at the pervious tribal council, being the only one besides Wred Scin to vote for Plan DumbAss. She wishes she just had a clue.

Yes, she actually said that.

Hon, you might as well just tattoo that X on your rump right now, because you are obviously not long for this game.

Nate listens to the Die-Toos discuss alliances and strategies in front of him, pulling out his pretend notepad and taking notes. Evidently Shane's Blackberry or Greg's Coconut Phone weren't available. In the next segment, I'm pleased to discover that the person with the Hidden Immunity idol is actual named Yul. Way to go, Yul! Merry Christmas! (Ha! I kill me.) Anyway, he and 2 as of yet nameless chicks discuss their boot order: Ozzy, then Sharon, then Jack.

I finally get my Oh-a-o-de-oh-de-oh and discover who everyone is (or I would if I gave a rat's ass and paid attention), and that there used to be a Haiku and a Puke tribe. I must briefly mourn the loss of the Haiku tribe, because it would have been a great opportunity for me to bring up my recent favorite joke:

Haikus are easy
But they sometimes don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

But I'll have to let that joke go unsaid, now. Alas.

Commercials, brought to you by: Pringles, made in my own back yard, if you didn't know; Principal, which I ignore because it doesn't feature anyone named Victoria, who's gotta be pushing 100 by now, so maybe it's a good thing; Leapster, because kids certainly aren't already overstimulated enough; T-Mobile, with a coupla geeks totally unworthy of a 2-second Pulp Fiction reference; the saccharine penguins from Happy Feet with a public service announcement about flu; and Numb3rs, in which Rob Morrow just won't. go. away.

Back. It's raining. And we get Tree-mail. Yay! Time for a pome.

Doesn't matter, in this game
all the challenges are the same.
We're just grinding all our gears
Haven't had a clue in years.

The tribes get to choose which two items they'll receive as a reward. At Ruhroh, Brad keeps asking his tribemates "Do you want Brad? Do you really want Brad?" Ok, maybe he meant to say "bread," but Adam shore was creeped out. And I'm certain I know where Dweeze's mind went when Parvati started talking about the possibility of a peanut butter sandwich.

The challenge: each tribe will have 3 Swimmers and 2 Puzzlers. The swimmers each grab a club and start beating the tar out of Jiffy. Ha, no, but we can dream, can't we? Suffice it to say, the Swimmers will Swim and the Puzzlers will Puzzle. And since we're several weeks of tattered suits into the show, there's a distinct possibility of some pixilation titillation (which can probably be sung to the tune of Disney's Dalmation Plantation, if you're drunk enough.)

Their rewards? Ruhroh chooses Brad and peanut butter; Die-Too goes for potatoes and peanut butter. Figures I would get the peanut butter episode.

Die-Too has to sit 3 people: Braided Sista 1 (help me out here--can those of you who have watched all season tell those two apart?), Flicka, and Nate, the last of whom they don't trust to compete. Nate will rejoin Ruhroh after the challenge, prompting an "Awesome" from Parvati, who already has plans for the peanut butter.

Ruhroh strategizes over who should Swim and who should Puzzle. Naturally, they'll want the most athletic people to swim, right? Since they might be going out 3, maybe 4 times? Not so fast. Brad insists that he's too good at puzzles (Dood--it's a map of the world, with each piece containing a continent--how hard can that be?) and that their team would be better served if Braided Sista 2 (hereafter known as BS2) would flounder around for a couple of hours while Die-Too completes the challenge.

True to form, BS2 comes back keyless while Ozzy and Yul bring back two for Die-Too. BS2 is so exhausted that she crawls on the beach unaware of her wardrobe malfunction.

And there's much clubbing, and swimming, and keying. *yawn* Adam and Parvati take turns trying to play catch-up, while Ozzy, Yul, and Candace finish the Swimming, and Becky and Jonathan complete the Puzzling. Die-Too gets their peanut butter and potatoes, and send Nate back to Ruhroh, Adam to Exile Island, and the viewers into a coma.

Commercials: JC Penney announcing Biggest Sale of the Year!!!!!!!111OneOne. Coming soon on DVD, Cars, which I liked the first time I saw it, when it was called Doc Hollywood. Secret Platinum, with a woman named Sam who can help me move my sofa anytime, ifyaknowhutimean; Lance Armstrong for Bristol-Myers Squibb, talking about how suffering and cancer go together, which explains why he dumped Sheryl Crow just as she was diagnosed. Mazda, still using creepy zoom-zoom kid. JC Penney again, in case you forget within the last minute about the Biggest Sale of the Year!!!!!!!111OneOne. Some other CBS shows that I probably would pay good money not to see, and the obligatory shilling for Survivor paraphernalia.

Back. Candace, with her mouth full of peanut butter announces that she's in love with everybody she can see right now. Somewhere out in TVland, Billy's head is exploding. (No, I didn't see that episode, but I heard about it.) Candace and Flicka share a peanut butter kiss and Dweeze's head quickly follows Billy's. Flicka is so excited about her tribe's good fortune, although she confesses that things can change quickly in this game, so you never know what's gonna happen. So, so toast, that one.

Ominous clouds as Ruhroh points fingers for their loss. Nate tells BS2 that it wasn't her fault that black folks can't swim and joins his tribe in hurling some hatin' Brad's way. Nate also complains about his rough welcome home: he has to get some food and water while the wimmenfolk just lie around. Hey, must be pretty hard work, gathering information on a pretend note-pad and sitting out challenges.

At Exile Island, Adam builds a shelter against the income storm that looks about as effective as the Polish cavalry against Nazi tanks. He confesses that he's not happy with his tribe: hard to soar like an eagle (or, to run our NFC East joke into the ground, an Eei-Gul) when you're surrounded by turkeys.

Next morning at Die-Too, Ozzy catches a bird and kills it by biting its head off. Candace says Ozzy is half animal, half man, half fish, and half monkey, exhibiting the fine biology and math skills required for medical school these days. Yul says he underestimated Ozzy, and adds they should get rid of him before they all make like Katie Gallagher and gain weight on Survivor. Ozzy, Flicka, and Candace discuss strategy. Flicka wants Ozzy to tell her the truth, and she'll admit to her guilt. Candace tries to understand. Ozzy thinks, as the provider, if they vote him out, they'll have blood on their hands from their democracy. (And congratulations to the precisely one and half of you readers who actually GOT that joke.)

Commercials: E-bay, with a ridiculous exercise in hyperbole. Mucinex DM, with some graphic disease made to look cute. Ghost Whisperererer with Jennifer Love showing too much hair and not enough Hewitts. NFL on Sunday featuring Dolphins vs. Bears in a game I hope Rex Grossman can earn me more than (-16) points for my FF team. Teasers for TAR and Letterman. Local political ads featuring some of my area's finest lying, skeevy Republicans (ok, that was redundant). Teaser for the news.

Back. No tree mail this time, which is probably a good thing, since my students write better pomes than what we see here, as some of you already know. Adam returns from Exile Island, having survived the storm, unfortunately. We're at the Immunity Challenge, which involves--who'da thunk it--more Swimming and Puzzling. Tribes will build a staircase of logs up a platform, 3 members will slide down a zipline into water, retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces, and let remaining 3 tribe members solve the puzzle. So whaddaya think--is Brad gonna solve or swim here, huh? As Jonathan sits out for Die-Too, I have to comment on this Brad thing: Here they gave him such a hard time for Puzzling over Swimming at the last challenge, and yet, where do we find Adam for this one? At the Puzzle. Hypocritical Fucktards.

And. They're off. Jiffy launches into his annoying Name/Participle Phrase narrative as they drag logs. Then we get a nice bit of code. I'll let Jiffy's exact words speak for themselves here: "Women building it from the bottom up while the guys debate which is the longest log." Heh. Heh-heh. In this challenge, I guess size does indeed matter.

Die-too gets their staircase built first and Yul heads down the zip. Yul has his bag of puzzle pieces as Brad heads down the zip for Ruhroh. Candace and Parvati next go down the zip, as their teammates tell them each to keep their legs in the air as long as possible.

You know, sometimes, like Candace and Parvati, it's just. too. easy.

Ozzy and Nate anchor the zip. Ruhroh is way behind on the puzzle, but catches up and wins, even with puzzle master Brad hitting the drink on this one. Jiffy does the same-old "See you at Tribal" yadda as we head to:

Commercials: Ford Fusion, for guys who want to wig out potential employers by pretending to be their limo drivers. Centrum, in something thoroughly forgettable. Borat wannabes for Citibank. Still another JC Penney Reminder!!!!!!!!1111. Humira, for yet another disease (which I suppose tells you something about what CBS thinks are the effects of this show on people). Some crime shows, because there aren't enough of those already on. A Survivor question involving Rob C from the Amazon, whom I hoped I could die without ever seeing again.

Back. Die-too is bummed that someone *coughFlickacough* has to go home. Ozzy hopes that people aren't looking at him with accusation in their eyes (because, as you know, I believe there's no such thing as overkill when you're talking obscure jokes). Lots of scheming; Flicka is paranoid, and Ozzy is a physical threat. Ozzy opines that Jonathan really won't be necessary in the remaining pre-merge challenges. Dood--Jonathan sat out this challenge and you LOST. Good thinking, there.

Jonathan comes back from fishing as the tribe debates over Ozzy or Flicka. Yul and Ozzy also see Jonathan as a potential competitor after the merge. Everyone mistrusts Jonathan, whereas Flicka is just innocent and easy to read. So naturally, they're going to target Flicka. Morons.

Flicka worries that nobody really knows what's going on or what they're gonna do. She says, "I think they're all, like, 'Ahhh, I don't know what to do' because any of us can go." Jeezelpete, woman. What's the old poker maxim about if you can't spot the sucker at the table? It's been a while since they've had somebody this vapid on the show, and yet they put this Einstein on the puzzle-solving team. Someone shoot me now.

Mercifully, we head to Tribal Council. Let's look at the transcript, shall we?

Jiffy: Ok, gang. I need to bring up this season's racial gimmick one more time, so throw me a few profiling slurs that would make James Watt proud, will ya?

Jonathan: Not gonna play, Jiffy. Instead, I'll just flap my mouth and further convince people that I'm a scheming, backstabbing Yahoo who should be murdered in my sleep, first chance.

Jiffy: BS1, is it true that black women can't swim?

BS1: Word. You'll notice I kept dry during both challenges. Don't know what Homegirl thought she was about. Rush, as you know, is never wrong.

Jiffy: Jessica, everyone but you knows you're going tonight, so spread some love around before they push your ass out the airlock.

Flicka: I want to see how many cliches I can fit into my response here, so I'll talk about friendships, and roles, and mix 'n matching, and having fun, and Kum Ba Yah, and other such brakage. How'd I do?

Jiffy: Great. Yul, Jessica always gives delightful answers that never seem to reflect on the game.

Yul: I know, Jeff. Hard to believe someone this naive could have lasted so long, innit?

Jiffy: Damn straight.

Yul: At least with her, you know you won't get someone who will scheme and stab you in the back, so of course she's gotta go.

Jiffy: Works for me. Ozzy, you've become a provider. Is that a good thing, or are you just playing with fire?

Ozzy: If they vote me out, Jeff, I know what they'll find is in their mind.

Jiffy: It's what you want them to see. Right. Ok, Flicka, should we vote, or do you just want to bring me your torch now?

Flicka: Oh, let's vote, Jeff, so I can blow a kiss to my tribemates and look all all cute 'n clueless 'n stuff.

Jiffy: You could quite possibly be the stupidest person to ever play this game. 'Aight. We'll just state for the record that vote was 7-1 so Goth can wrap up this summary, k? Now. the big question is momentum: who has it? Maybe it could be discovered in another Plan DumbAss, if Jai-Ant were still around, but he's not, so let's just head to:

Commercials: Santa Clause 3, which I liked the first time I saw it, when it was called Santa Clause 2, Mazda with another chick being the man (must be the theme this week), Kohl's Super Saturday SALE!!!!!!11, for those not going to JC Penneys!!!!1, some women boxing (there it is again) for Advil, and more CBS whoredom.

Next week: Brad searches for his spine, and another surprising, shocking, game-changing twist that we probably have never seen for at least two, maybe even three episodes.

I won't bore you with any more of Flicka's closing cliches. Thanks as usual for reading; you'll be back with your regularly scheduled Dweeze soon, I'm sure. Gothmog out.  ¶ 1:04 AM