Monday, November 27, 2006
Episode Eleven - I Know You're As Sick Of Reading My Summaries As I Am of Writing Them
Previously on Survivor:
The producers brought forth the most vicious, most random twist since the purple rock of death. More vicious and more random than Wanda and the unremarkable lug not getting to play Survivor: Guadalcanal because they were chosen last? Oh yeah.
We open at Raro. Jonathan is fishing for security. And fish. He brings some back, only to find that no one has started a fire. Apparently they thought it had always been burning since the world was turning. Jonathan is incensed. He starts in on the tribe about the need to work, the need to wake up early and not sleep in, and the need to quit listening to that rock and/or roll music and accomplish something with their lives. Meanwhile, at home, Jonathan’s kids shed a tear at the pain of seeing their father share his lectures with other people.
Over at Aitu, Yul feels under the weather. His head hurts, his feet stink, and he don’t love Jesus. Or maybe that’s Jimmy Buffet? I get confused. Actually, Yul’s legs hurt. In confessional, Sundra tells us that they are still the underdogs due to Raro’s overwhelming numbers.
Cut to the Reward Challenge. Or is it? Hmmmm. Aitu comes onto the challenge beach, and Jeff ushers in the new Raro. Yul, who can count, says “Two?” Jeff confirms that two people were voted off and stresses how important the last immunity win was for Aitu. “You’d be down to two against seven if you had lost” and adds his signature expression, that the game is up for grabs. I hope someday, someone does an eulogy for Jeff and uses the expression “up for grabs” as in “And now his soul is up for grabs”. That’d be cool.
Finally, Jeff tells us it’s time to merge. Apparently he’s seen the promos. He instructs everyone to drop their buffs, then tosses them new ones. When asked which beach they want to live on, Nate immediately says Raro. Yul, again demonstrating a level of intelligence uncommon among Survivor contestants, asks Candice and Jonathan, who have lived on both beaches, which they prefer. They say Raro’s, because it has more coconuts and less rats. Finally! A marketing slogan I can get behind.
Jeff calls in the quit boat, tricked out as a feast catamaran. We hear from various people about the experience: Nate says Yul has class. Jonathan says he is ready for the individual game and then gets disgusted when his Raro tribemates get very drunk. Yul tells us that things are still bleak and that Aitu needs to find a chink in Raro’s armor.
Yes, he said that, and yes, I’m going to let it pass.
The newly merged tribe chooses the name Aitutonga. Nate shows Aitu around the beach: “Here’s the sand. Over there’s the water. Those are the trees.” In confessional he tells us that he, Adam, and Parvati are close and that Jonathan and Candice are in no position to switch back over to the Aituans. Dood. Ever hear of Rob Cesspoolrino? Nate closes by telling us he feels it is importance to keep his friends close and his enemies closer. Nate has read “The Art Of War For Dummies”.
We next see Nate talking with Ozzy, implying that the two of them should form their own final four plans with Sundra and Parvati. Nate, Nate, Nate. You’re looking too far ahead. Ozzy replies noncommittally.
Cut back to camp, where Parvati and Adam are cuddling. She tells him that she knows what’s on his mind. Parvati, Parvati, Parvati. Everyone knows what’s on Adam’s mind. Adam later tells us in confessional that he was drunk, but he tells Parvati that both she and Candice can “appreciate” him. I must admit, I would be willing to “appreciate” Candice and Parvati at the same time.
We next look in at Yul talking with Becky about letting Ozzy and Sundra know he has the hidden immunity idol. Yul thinks he can get Jonathan to switch. Becky agrees. This leads to Yul talking to Jonathan about hypothetical situations. Yul asks Jonathan what he would do if, hypothetically, Yul had the hidden immunity idol. He asks if he could, hypothetically, trust Jonathan with that information. Jonathan replies that he would need to hypothetically think about it. I think that only someone who doesn’t know the meaning of the word hypothetical would think that Yul doesn’t actually have the idol. Jonathan then tells us that if he flips sides again, his Raro mates will flip out.
The next day, Yul decides to show Sundra his hidden immunity idol. I showed a girl my hidden immunity idol once, and I have the restraining order to prove it. Yul tells her he wants the Aituans to be the final four and explains his plan to get Jonathan to flip. He does the same with Ozzy. Both are cool with the idea of getting Jonathan to flip to give them the numbers.
Cut to Candice and Parvati, enjoying a wet t-shirt contest. Candice doesn’t like that Jonathan is talking with Yul, and the two ladies agree that Yul should be their target. We then see Candice talking to Jonathan about his discussions with Yul. Jonathan admits that Yul was trying to get him to switch, but then resists the idea Candice puts forth that Yul should be their target. Jonathan tells us that he realizes that Yul must have the idol, and that if they vote for Yul and Jonathan doesn’t flip sides, Aitu will vote for Jonathan and because of the immunity idol, Jonathan will be out of the game.
Off to the challenge. Let me guess. First immunity challenge after the merge? Hmm. Can you say endurance? True to form, we see nine tall poles with ladders. Jeff takes back the immunity idol and displays the immunity necklace. The person who gets it is the person staying on their pole the longest. Isn’t that always the case? The only rule is, no using the top of the pole to support yourself. This is rule I can get behind.
This one plays pretty true to form. Adam and Jonathan, two big guys, are the first out. Jonathan says his feet hurt because they are bigger than everyone else’s, and Yul explains that while they all have the same surface area supporting them, they all have different amounts of mass, and the people with more mass have a harder time supporting themselves because they have less surface area in relation to their bodies than the people with smaller amounts of body mass. The others look dumbfounded.
Nate is the next to fall, then Sundra, Yul, Parvati, and Becky. Only Candice and Ozzy remain, and as they hang on near the tops of their respective poles, it begins to rain. A soft, drizzling rain, a rain that soaks to your soul and floods your perspective with
Sorry. Nevermind. After two and half hours on a pole, Candice falls off. We now know what Adam sees in her. Ozzy comes down off his pole, and Jeff hands him the necklace.
Back at camp, Adam tells us that the challenge shows how much of a threat Ozzy is and how much they need to get him out. After Yul, of course. They will vote out Yul first.
Yul has other ideas, and, after all, it’s not like he’s going home tonight no matter what. Yul finally shows Jonathan the hidden immunity idol, making five the total number of people who have seen Yul’s idol. Yul tells Jonathan that he wants to take him to the final two, as he would win the vote against Jonathan. Jonathan has to be smart enough to realize that he can’t win a final two vote against anyone. He tells Yul he wants to think about things. Cut to Jonathan talking to the other Raroans, trying to convince them not to vote for Yul. He says that if Yul has the idol, and they vote for him, one of them will go home. Parvati insists that Yul doesn’t have the idol. She also insists that the sun rises in the west. We next see Adam and Candice talking to Nate regarding who they should vote out. Nate insists on Yul. For some reason, Adam and Candice are worried about Nate thinking too much. Thinking bad!
Jonathan finally tells Yul that he will switch, but he wants Nate to be the target. He feels he owes Adam something for saving him. Yul expresses some concern that Jonathan is trying to play them, but Jonathan tells us he is now in the position of having one team about to hate him no matter what may happen at tribal council. Which leads us to tribal council.
Jeff: Sundra, how has the merge changed things?
Sundra: We’re all living together now?
Jeff: Good call. Have a biscuit. Nate, tribal alliances still in play?
Nate: Fuck yeah!
Jeff: Yul, that means Aitu is still behind.
Yul: At least until Jonathan flips.
Jeff: Becky, any groupings you didn’t expect?
Becky: I didn’t expect to see Adam and Candice rolling around on the ground groping each other every waking moment.
Jeff: Adam, any response?
Adam: Not my fault she can’t attract a man.
Jeff: Parvati, how do you feel about Adam and Candice?
Parvati: I wouldn’t mind if they hadn’t kicked me out of the tent. And if Adam would quit hitting on me.
Candice: She’s just jealous cause I have the only white man capable of sustaining an erection.
Jeff: Jonathan, are you worried about Candice and Adam?
Jonathan: Jeff, if they want to paint a boot-me target on their backs, who am I to complain?
Jeff: Good point. Ozzy, how does the game changed after tonight?
Ozzy: Uhm, someone will be voted out?
Jeff: Fuck you. Nate, how do you think the game will change?
Nate: Well, if someone flips it will stir up waters.
Jeff: Thanks Captain Obvious. Jonathan, any desire to make an appeal to everyone before you become persona non gratis?
Jonathan: “I’ve enjoyed every second. I’ve bonded with younger people in a way I haven’t in years. I’ve tried to drink in every minute because I know I’ll never have another experience like this.”
Jeff: Great. Now you can use your final words to spout some bitterness. As for the rest of you
Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote! Ozzy, you do not want to give me the immunity necklace – do you want to touch my monkey?
Ozzy: I’ll just go vote, thanks.
The tribe votes, the tallymon does his thing, and now it’s time for Jeff to play show and read. The first vote is for Yuehl. The second for Yule. The third for Yuhl. We then get three Nate votes, for a three-three tie. We then get another Yule vote, another Nate vote, and then shots of Yul and Nate cringing as Jeff reads the final vote: Nate. Nate looks pissed, as does Parvati. Nate trudges off, and Jeff sends them all back to camp with stock phrase number two, “Looks like the game has changed”.
On the next Survivor: The remaining Raroans are furious with Jonathan, particularly because he starts to hang out with the Aituans.
As we fade into the drawing rooms of Vegas, Nate tells us, again quoting:
“It hurts to leave this early in the game. Jonathan, kiss my ass. You’re a dirty, stanky fruitcake who sold me out. You sold out our tribe when we brought you in, you traitorous bastard, so kiss my ass, Jonathan. Other than that, everyone I love, but that’s how it’s gotta be in this world.” Word. ¶ 3:35 PM
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Other than leaving me hungry for a little more discussion about Ozzy's pole? Masterful, as usual.
I never get sick of your summaries. And, after seeing your production this season, you are truly the master.
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I never get sick of your summaries. And, after seeing your production this season, you are truly the master.
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