Monday, October 23, 2006
Episode Six – There Is NO Episode Five
Previously on Survivor:
Nothing. Not a god damn thing. That’s why we didn’t even bother to summarize it. If you really must know, Stephannie of the Extra N Clan was booted, freeing me from making that joke again, though most of tribal council was used to let Cristina know how much everyone else in the tribe hates her.
We open once more before the credits. We’re at Raro, post tribal council. The mice are preparing the camp for the return of the tribe. Cristina is unhappy that she was the subject of so much verbal abuse at tribal council. Look at it this way, Cristina. You’re still around. Think of how much unhappier you would be if you had been booted. Not like you really need to be making long term plans, but three more days is three more days, right? Right.
Cristina launches a verbal salvo back at the group. No, not really. I just wanted to use the phrase verbal salvo. She complains about being blindsided. Adam says he has told her in camp that she was annoying. In confessional, Brad tells us Cristina isn’t annoying, just controlling.
Which is it, guys?
Adam is struggling to be positive about the group’s attitude towards Cristina. He genuinely seems like a decent guy. He tells her that she works hard, that they appreciate the effort she puts into tribal life, she’s just got an annoying personality.
In confessional Cristina tells us that tragedy is her life, that she has survived many other things and she knows she will survive this. Which makes a nice segue into the credits – the last words she says are “I can survive this” and the next word that appears on screen is SURVIVOR!
What does it say that I’m reduced to summarizing editing tricks?
Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning, and I’m using that until someone identifies what it’s from. We’re at Aituboy, and Ozzy and his faithful companion Jonathan are fishing. Well, Ozzy is fishing. Jonathan is holding the fish Ozzy catches. Jonathan tells us that the tribe needs Ozzy’s strength for the group game, but adds that Ozzy will be the biggest threat once it becomes an individual game.
Back at camp, treemail has arrived. Really! Honest to goodness treemail. It reads
Grope, wrestle in dirt
Reward/immunity challenge
Or Lohan Friday?
Actually, the note tells them about winning their first feast. Their first feast? Ozzy’s been catching ten fish a day! These people are not wanting for food.
As they prepare to go to the challenge, Cao Boi wants to take the immunity idol with them. It is noted that the immunity idol isn’t needed because the treemail didn’t say anything about immunity. Cao Boi doesn’t care. The idol is the ocean goddess of fertility, and as far as he is concerned, it is a tribe member. Jonathan disagrees. He correctly notes that bringing the immunity idol to a reward challenge is rubbing the victory in Raro’s face. In confessional Jonathan tells us that Cao Boi rubs a lot of people the wrong way, but of course he is the only one to say anything. In group, Jonathan says to Cao Boi that it should be a tribal decision, but Cao Boi just says he is not going to bring it because of Jonathan. Yul tells us in confessional that Cao Boi has gone through a lot but is hard-headed and unpredictable. Those three things seem to go together, if you ask me.
We cut to the challenge, where Jeff explains what will happen. There are two posts at one of a large sand pit. There is a finish line at the other end. The tribes will select three people to be post holders and four to be draggers. First, a woman from each tribe will be stationed to hold onto the post. The two female draggers from the other team will attempt to remove the person holding onto the post and pull them through the sand to the finish line. Once they have done so, a male will go hold onto the post. The two male draggers will go try to pull the male post-holder back to the finish line. After that is done, the last female will go and the two female draggers will try to pull her back. The first tribe to get all three post-holders past the finish line wins.
The prize? Thick lamb shanks, warm bread, and hot apple cider. The catch? The feast will take place at tribal council. That’s right, it’s double boot time. Both teams will be sending someone home tonight. The winning tribe will go first, sending someone home and then getting their reward. Which means that whoever gets voted out won’t get the thick lamb shanks! Oh cruel, cruel world. That tribe will then eat in front of the losing tribe while the losing tribe has tribal council.
Because we need an equal number of men and women for the challenge, Aitu has to sit out a man. Instead, they choose Cao Boi. Ha! Aitu will use Candice, Ozzy, and Sundra as post-holders. Not postholes, mind you. Post-holders. Raro will send Cristina, Nate, and Jenny, which is a shock – I would think Parvati would have the most experience of anyone in the tribe with a floor-to-ceiling pole.
Okay, put your hands in the air like you just don’t care and do the Probst Challenge-Dance! Survivors ready, GO! Jessica and Becky manage to pull Jenny off the pole very quickly. Parvati and Rebecca are having no such luck with Candice. Indeed, though they are able to pull her off once, Candice is able to grab ahold of the pole again. Meanwhile, Jessica and Becky are dragging Jenny through the sand, pulling her to the finish line before Parvati and Rebecca can even get Candice more than a few feet away from the pole. Those three are wrestling in the sand, and I can only say “PRAISE JEEBUS!”
Nate is the male Raron post-holder. Jonathan and Yul run out, pulling him off the pole roughly, but quickly. And though Nate puts up a good fight, they are able to get him back to the finish line before Parvati and Rebecca can get Candice over the line. That’s right – Aitu has two people over the line before Raro can even get one.
Cristina is the last Raron to grab a pole, and Jessica and Becky go back to get her. As they do, Parvati and Rebecca finally get Candice to the finish line. This sends Adam and Brad out to get Ozzy. They are moving him quickly, almost as quickly as Jessica and Becky got Jenny. Cristina, on the other hand, is not going quietly into that good night. Or into the sand, for that matter. Jessica gets a warning for putting Cristina into a chokehold. Cristina rolls on top of Jessica, then gets a warning for placing her forearm at Jessica’s throat. Cristina then tries to pull Jessica’s shorts off, and I’m betting that while this isn’t the first time a woman has tried to take Jessica’s shorts off, it is the first time Jessica has tried to stop her.
Parvati and Rebecca go out to get Sundra. Becky and Jessica are doing everything they can to drag Cristina. They roll for a little way, and Cristina gets a warning for pulling Jessica’s hair. If you want, modify the joke I made earlier about a woman pulling Jessica’s shorts down for a woman tugging Jessica’s hair. Becky and Jessica are finally are able to stand up and start dragging Cristina back to the finish line, but not before we see some hot pixilated action from Jessica. Meanwhile, Parvati and Rebecca haven’t even been able to separate Sundra from the pole.
Jeff sends everyone off to camp with the standard see you at tribal council. Oh, he adds that there will be one more surprise, and dear God, if you’ve been watching at all, you know what that surprise is – the winning tribe will somehow be able to save someone on the losing tribe from the vote. They’ve only pulled some variant on this trick at every double tribal council.
Back at camp, the Aituans are talking about how physical the challenge was. Sundra says she is proud of how the tribe came together. Yep, Sundra, you did a whole lot. The damn thing was 99% over before you came into it. Ozzy tells the group that it was the women who won it. Jessica says she never wrestled a cop before. Right. In confessional she states that it was inappropriate for Cristina to tug her hair and try to take her clothes off. Usually you have to buy Jessica dinner and a movie before you take her clothes off and tug her hair. A girl’s got to have standards, you know.
And now it gets weird.
Cao Boi asks Yul to come into the shelter so he can tell him about a dream he had. Cao Boi was in a village, and people were coming into the village and dragging people away with a rope. They would wrap the rope around people and disappear. They would fly away and were invisible to others, and I DIDN’T MAKE A SINGLE BIT OF THAT UP!!!!!
And now it gets really weird.
Cao Boi tells us in confessional that in the dream he was dealing with people with supernatural powers. He says a shaman women asked him if he an American Express card. She then asked him if he had a Visa. The confessional is interspliced with shots from inside the shelter where Cao Boi is telling the same thing to Yul. There is a wonderful shot of Yul rolling his eyes and looking like he would kill to get out of the shelter.
Continuing in the dream, Cao Boi asks the shaman woman why he needs the credit cards. She tells him he needs three of each. He determines that this is a plan to flush out the immunity idol. They will place three votes on Candice and three votes on Jonathan, and since one of them, probably Jonathan, has the immunity idol, he will be forced to play it.
Couple things wrong here. First, there are eight votes in play. What if those votes shift things so the idol doesn’t have to be played. Second, even if those other two votes go someplace else, there still is a three-three tie. The tiebreaker might involve a revote, it might involve a fire challenge, it might involve a purple rock. There’s no way of knowing. Thirdly, and most importantly, Cao Boi is telling his plan for flushing out the immunity idol, Plan Voodoo as he calls it, not just TO THE MAN WHO HAS THE IMMUNITY IDOL BUT TO THE MAN WHO IS JONATHAN’S ALLY!
Yul us it is a good plan. He tells Cao Boi it is a good plan. He does not tell Cao Boi that he has the idol. Cao Boi tells Yul that if nothing else, one of the Caucasians will be going home. The worry for Cao Boi is that there are still five Caucasians left in the game, and they can unite at the merge. Cao Boi then shares Plan Voodoo with the rest of the tribe as Jonathan and Candice frolic in the surf.
Over at Raro, Nate decides that the tribe is going to eat well tonight even if they don’t get a feast. He proceeds to catch another octopus.
Meanwhile, Cristina tells us that she realizes she is the target. We see her going to everyone, trying to get them to change their minds. The only one she seems to reach is Nate, who sees an advantage in keeping her strength with the tribe and with getting rid of Jenny for the same reasons Cao Boi wants to get rid of one of the Caucasians.
Back at Aitu, Jessica and Cao Boi are working out together. We see Jonathan talking to Yul, telling him Cao Boi is a wild card and it’s time for him to go. You didn’t hear the dream, Jonathan. You didn’t hear the dream.
Cao Boi is reiterating Plan Voodoo with the rest of the group. Sundra and Becky are somewhat partial to the idea. Ozzy is non committal. Jessica is in.
We see Becky talk to Yul, who right after telling us he is in a tight alliance with Jonathan, says he now has doubts. Either something is going on or we’re just getting editing to make us think the obvious is not going to happen. I opt for the latter.
Yul tells us in confessional that he wishes the game could be played with more integrity. Check that one of the list of Survivor cliches. Then he tells us something interesting. He says several people think they are in alliances with him, several people trust him, but he can’t really be in an alliance with everything. Pretty key confessional if you ask me.
Cut back to camp, where everyone but Jessica and Cao Boi are in the shelter talking. This seems to concern Jessica, but Cao Boi blows it off, saying that Plan Voodoo is in effect and they will be fine. Uhm, dood? If everyone else but you is talking pre-tribal council, that means you are going to be voted off.
In confessional, Jonathan tells us he doesn’t think he will be voted off, but if he’s wrong, he’s been outplayed. Don’t worry. Your time hasn’t come.
Yet.
Jeff: Just so you know, I’m not asking any of the women questions. You ladies need to go prep the food for the menfolk, mmmkay? Now, Jonathan. What the fuck is the deal with sounding like Alan Alda?
Jonathan: War’s hell, Jeff.
Jeff: Great. I shouldn’t have asked. Cao Boi. I see you brought the idol. Just how insane are you?
Cao Boi: Insane or extremely clever? You tell me Jeff. You tell me.
Jeff: I’ll go with insane. Ozzy, how nuts is Cao Boi?
Ozzy: Ozzy feels connected to the idol. He has a bond with it. Some people get annoyed, some don’t, but it really is symbolic of other issues the tribe has.
Jeff: You mean like Cao Boi’s insanity. Yul, Cao Boi: Batshit lunatic or raving asylum escapee?
Yul: Cao Boi is a mixture of shaman, cheerleader, and fire tender. I don’t completely understand him, but he’s very loyal.
Jeff: I’ll put that down as batshit lunatic. Cao Boi, is it true that the gibberish they speak on your planet is not understandable to we humans?
Cao Boi: People either love me or hate me Jeff, but they know I mean well.
Jeff: Seems like a yes to me. Yul. Does the tribe have any leaders or followers?
Yul: Jonathan is a natural leader, and this target looks good on his back.
Jonathan: Well, I appreciate that he said that, but I don’t try to lead. I don’t try to patronize these people.
Jeff: These people? You mean the broads, the blacks, the hispanics, and the asians?
Jonathan: Exactly, Jeff. Exactly. You know where I’m coming from.
Jeff: A Klan meeting, probably. And don’t lump me in with you. I just have issues with women. Ozzy, how are you voting tonight? Will you write down Cowboy or spell his name right and put down Cao Boi?
Ozzy: Not sure Jeff. Depends on how I feel when I have pen in hand.
Jeff: Cao Boi, what about you? How are you voting?
Cao Boi: The vote is like a chess game. The vote tonight is to expose the queen.
Jeff: I’m confused. Brad’s on the other tribe. What is the queen?
Cao Boi: The queen is the immunity idol. The dog barks at midnight.
Jeff: Great. Good last words.
Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!
We see three votes – Jonathan votes Cao Boi, Jessica votes Jonathan, and Cao Boi votes Candice. The rest are not shown. The tallymon then tallies the bananas and the votes.
Cao Boi
Candice
Jonathan
Cao Boi
Cao Boi
Cao Boi
With the third Cao Boi vote, we are treated to shots of Cao Boi and Jessica looking nervous. It has to be a very crappy feeling to be the only one left out of the voting bloc. Cao Boi tells us that he should have been aware that the other Asians, the people most like him, were most likely to vote against him. As he does, we see that no one spelled his name right. Yul came closest, with Cow Boi. Back at tribal, any hard feelings are dissipated immediately upon disbursement of the lamb shanks. Lamb shanks make everything better.
Jeff: So, Adam, jealous much?
Adam: No Jeff. I hate lamb, I hate bread, I hate apple cider, and I hate winning. So it’s all good.
Jeff: Nate. Food smell good.
Nate: I just had octopus, Jeff. I’m good.
Jeff: Brad, you guys got smoked in a physical challenge by that group over there. How big of losers are you?
Brad: Jeff, it’s not about winning challenges, it’s about who is working hard at camp and who gets along.
Jeff: So you’re all huge losers.
Brad: Pretty much, yeah.
Jeff: Cristina. Everyone hates you, and you’re the obvious target tonight unless some twist occurs that anyone with the brain power of a cricket can see coming.
Cristina: Is there a question Jeff?
Jeff: Nope. Just wanted to point that out. Brad, sucks to be Cristina, right? I mean, she’s toast unless a miracle shock surprise happens that we all can see coming like a train in the distance.
Brad: Yes, we shouldn’t have said those things in public about her. We should have been nice to her face and nasty behind her back.
Jeff: Jenny, what happened when you got back to camp?
Jenny: Girlfriend got all up in everyone’s face, telling us to back that smack up or take it home, and she was all like who dat dissing me, and
Jeff: You’ve been hanging out a lot with Rebecca, haven’t you?
Jenny: Damn straight.
Jeff: Cristina. You’re annoying, you dress terribly, everyone despises you, and you’re toast unless Aitu is given some miracle ability to save one person from the vote.
Cristina: Is there a question Jeff?
Jeff: Nope. Just wanted to point that out.
Cristina: Well, since you didn’t ask, it bothers me because I thought these people were my friends and it is a blow to my morale and…
Jeff: So, Adam, it’s going to be great to have her gone, that is unless some unforeseen gimmick is tossed into the game that allows her to be plucked out of your tribe and whisked away to the other tribe so you have to vote out someone you think is an asset to your group, isn’t it?
Adam: Yep
Jeff: Nate, at what point do you start playing an individual everyone-for-themselves game?
Jenny: What do you mean start?
Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!
Jeff: Not so fast, German-boy. I said there was a surprise, and this is it. Aitu, you get to kidnap one person *coughCristinacough* from Aitu. That person *coughCristinacough* will be on your tribe through the next reward, and, obviously enough, will be safe from tonight’s vote. So, if there is an obvious person that Raro is going to vote for *coughCristinacough*, now is the time to save that person *coughCristinacough* and throw a spanner into their plans. So who *coughCristinacough* is it going to be?
Ozzy: (After conferring with the group.) Nate.
Jeff: Cristina, go join Aitu, and the rest of you can. Wait. Did you say Nate?
Ozzy: Yes.
Jeff: Morons. Okay, Nate, go join them and grab some lamb. Cristina, bring me your torch.
Cristina: Can we vote first?
Jeff: Not sure that it matters, but yeah. Why not?
Dieter: Can I do it now?
Jeff: Knock yourself out.
Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!
So who will they vote for? I know who they should vote for – they should vote for the instant karma hunters right now! Everyone dance!
The tallymon comes and tallies the vote. Before announcing it, Jeff sends Aitu back to camp. The votes are now read. Cristina votes Jenny, as does someone else. (We’ll see later that it was Brad.) Everyone else votes Cristina. As she takes the walk of shame, Jeff tells the tribe they voted J.P off because he was bossy, Stephannie because she had too many “n”s in her name, and Cristina because she was annoying. He doesn’t explain the comment.
On the next Survivor, Jessica decides to talk strategy in front of Nate. Being left out does strange things to you. Ozzy continues in his role as chef to the tribe. Someone gets pummeled by rain on Exile Island. But that’s not really next week. Next week is a recrap. Sorry. Next week is “A Closer Look” which we all know is code for recrap.
As we fade into the lights of Shea Stadium, Cristina says she was taken advantage of – Hey! She was the one trying to strip Jessica, not the other way around – and wishes she had stayed longer. ¶ 12:56 PM
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Ha! I knew all that hot girl-on-girl sand wrestling would keep your attention.
God knows, nothing else this season has.
Oh and Estee? I'd go with batshit lunatic. 'Tis the season and all.
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God knows, nothing else this season has.
Oh and Estee? I'd go with batshit lunatic. 'Tis the season and all.
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