Monday, October 09, 2006
Episode Four – The One Where Dweeze Barely Gives A Fuck
Previously on Survivor.
Aww, who the fuck cares. It’s all going to end with Probst saying “who will be voted out next?” More importantly, can I get anything funny out of this dog of a show?
We open at Aitu, BEFORE THE CREDITS! Man, Burnett is trying to mix it up. Give us a little taste to whet our appetites, maybe stop us from clicking over to Earl or Olbermann, two shows I’d rather be watching right now. Instead, I’m watching as the tribe comes back from tribal council to find mieces all over the place. Oooh, I hates those mieces to pieces! Yul tells us voting someone else out sucked and he feels terrible. Tell ya what, Yul, you’d feel much worse if the person voted out was you. Becky knows what I mean – she tells us she feels like she close to leaving but now, with Cecilia gone, she feels comfortable. Next up on the post-tribal council range of emotions is Ozzy, who was blindsided when he was one of only three-Becky votes. He’s bitter that he’s the only remaining original Aitu at Aitu (Give Aitu Back To The Aituans!), and that the rest of the tribe are enjoying the fruits of the paradise he and Cecilia helped build. He says he’s going to take his toys and go home, I mean, quit catching food for the tribe. That’ll learn them! And with that, we go to the opening credits.
Back. Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning. Candice arrives back home from Exile. Able she was, ere she saw Elba. She lets everyone she didn’t find the idol, not like we really spent a whole lot of time with her last episode. Flicka, who has gone from “not wanting to play a game” to “suspecting everyone” in less than a day, wants to know why Adam and Parvati chose Candice for Exile. She implies that they did so because Candice is an alliance partner and they wanted to protect her from the boot. Candice tells us she decided to play dumb, though I doubt anyone can be that convincing.
Too obvious?
Over at Raro, the men are sitting around doing nothing while the women work to make living conditions better. That’s how God intended it, am I right guys? Guys? Parvati tells us that it makes her mad, but J.P. tells the guys he doesn’t care if the women are mad, because they need the men around for strength and the men will stay in a strong alliance. And if you have watched this show more than once in the past few years, you now know not only who tonight’s boot will be, but that the male alliance J.P. is going on about will last as long as the Twins did.
Next up, reward challenge, again sans tree mail. You know it’s gotten bad when the staff doesn’t even bother anymore. It’s a bondage challenge. Two tribemates are attached to a rope that loops over, under, and around an obstacle course. The rest of the tribe help the tied members maneuver forward to a decoder table. Once there, a tribe member will head to the water, swim out, recover the decoder ring, bring it back, and the tribe will decode the hidden message. First tribe to accomplish this wins reward, in this case blankets, pillows, and a hammock.
Survivors ready? Go!
We’re off. Candice and Becky are attached to the rope for Aitu, Cristina and Jenny for Raro. Aitu gets off to an early lead. Yul drags Becky underneath a log, Candice following. Aitu expands on the lead when Raro gets tangled up in blue. Aitu gets to the decoder table, Ozzy heads into the water, brings the decoder ring back, and the team gets to solving. They get hung up here, however, and Raro is able to get to the table, get its decoder ring back, and start working on the puzzle, but Aitu’s lead is too great and they win when they correctly decode the message as “Be Sure To Drink Your Ovaltine”. Sorry. It’s actually, “Last castaways back cast one away.”
You know, mine made more sense.
Anyway, Aitu gets reward and also gets to send someone to Exile Island. That lucky person? Adam.
Aitu gets back at camp. Flicka tells us she felt threatened by the brawn of Raro. Ozzy, contrary to what he told us earlier, decides to go fishing. He and Jonathan go out and catch eleven fish. Well, Ozzy caught nine, Jonathan caught two. The rest of the tribe is happy, determined to have a nice feast. Ozzy tells us that his place in the tribe is strong because he can provide food for them. Hmmm. Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SEASON OF THIS SHOW!
Over at Raro, things are not quite as fun. Nate says that it’s good they were able to be humbled. J.P. doesn’t seem particularly humble, however. He’s giving orders to everyone. Parvati tells us J.P. is sly and you might not realize he is bossing everyone around, though you would have to be as dumb as, well, Parvati to think that was the case.
That night Nate and Parvati are strategerizing. She asks him if the men made an alliance. He says yes, but adds that he and Parvati are tight and he has her back. She tells Nate about her anger towards J.P. and his attitude that he is running the tribe, but Nate says to just let the king sit pretty and not worry about it. Nate later tells us that Parvati is cool and smart and doable, though he realizes he has to let his big head do the thinking. No, seriously, that’s pretty much what he said.
Cut back to Aitu, where Jonathan and Cao Boi have found a bird nest. Cao Boi decides to climb the tree and grab the eggs. Cao Boi is missing a few brain cells. All he succeeds in doing is knocking the nest, and the newborn chick in the nest, to the ground. Jonathan gets all blubbery about how this fresh life, not even a day old, has been disrupted. Cao Boi and Jonathan get the nest back up in the tree to the mother bird, and it’s times like this that make me miss Granny Jan.
Off to immunity challenge, and dear God, I am only halfway through this. It’s another multi-part challenge. First, four people from each tribe assembles a stretcher. Then, they race through the woods to the beach. Then, someone swims out to a mast where one tribemate has been shackled. They, unshackle the tribemate, swim to shore, then the four carry the shackled person back on the stretcher. When they get back, the other tribemates have to start a fire.
Candice and Parvati are shackled for their respective teams. The Raro men are going to make the stretcher, while Flicka, Ozzy, Yul, and Jonathan do it for Aitu. Raro gets off to an early lead, but loses that when Ozzy is able to go through the water faster than J.P. Imagine that. Aitu makes it back to the fire building station with a small lead, but it doesn’t look like it would matter. Cao Boi gets a fire build in no time. The women building the fire for Raro, primarily Stephannie, succeed mainly in harming themselves. Aitu wins, and we are done with them for the episode.
Back at Raro, Stephannnie says the loss was her fault and adds that she would not blame them for voting her out. She then heads out. Nate tells us that if someone wants to leave, he’s not going to stop them. He tells the group that Stephannnnie deserves the red carpet treatment and that he will tell her she is going. J.P., exhausted from actually having to do something, decides to nap.
Know what J.P.? Never, ever, EVER, nap before tribal council. Ever.
Jenny and Rebecca are talking, and decide they need to convince Stephannnnnie that she should stay. Stephannnnnnie is telling Cristina that she regrets having said what she said and adds that she wants to stay. Wheels are set in motion as the two tell her and Cristina of their plan to boot J.P. Cristina doesn’t hesitate to agree. So much for ethnic background. They decide to enlist Parvati, because if she says yes, that’s all they need. Parvati, on the other hand, says she needs to think about it.
The hell?
So as Parvati goes off to “think”, the four corner Brad and try to enlist him. He says he will think about it. And with that, we are off to tribal council.
Jeff: Steph, what’s up with all the “n”s?
Stephannnnnnnie: Need to give the summary writer something, Jeff, cause the show sure ain’t doing it.
Jeff: Fair enough. Nate: What up in the dawg pound? Can I have a whoop whoop?
Nate: Jeff, that’s lame even when Randy does it.
Jeff: Sorry. Jenny, is there a leader?
Jenny: Other than King J.P. Napsalot here? Nope.
Jeff: Any comeback, J.P.?
J.P.: *snores*
Jeff: Stephannnnnnnnie, you pretty much singlehandedly blew the challenge.
Stephannnnnnnnnie: Do you have a question, Jeff?
Jeff: Nope, just making an observation. Could someone wake J.P. and ask him if he thinks Steph should be booted because she couldn’t make fire?
J.P.: Wuh? Huh? Oh, sorry. Uhm, well, you know, I really messed up the swimming part of it, and I shouldn’t be voted out for that. So no.
Okay everyone, voting time. Rebecca and Cristina vote J.P., J.P. votes Stephannnnnnnnnnie, as does Nate. The tallymon comes and does his thing, and the votes are read. According to the count Jeff gives, it’s five to two. J.P. is stunned, says he was outwitted, and is frogmarched to loser lodge. Probst gives the basic “Trust blah blah blah work together blah blah blah” speech he has been giving in his sleep for years. As we fade into Vegas, we see that everyone vote for J.P. except J.P. and Nate. Man, I bet that makes Nate feel good. ¶ 11:53 AM
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Even if no one else gets it, I loved the Ovaltine reference. I got your back, dood.
(But not in the way Nate wants Parvati's "back," that's fur shur.)
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(But not in the way Nate wants Parvati's "back," that's fur shur.)
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