Survivor 13: Is This Thing Still On?, Episode 3
Dinkin’ Flicka

or, Mark Burnett: Out of Ideas

by Diamond

Previously on Survivor: We all hate this show but still feel compelled to watch it for some reason.

Also, the black folks FINALLY got fire only after being given a flint, which might as well be a propane torch for how easy it makes firestarting, prompting the viewing public to wonder, um, have they ever seen this show before? Did they not know they would need to make a fire and perhaps should have learned how to beforehand? And then we remembered that these people were all recruited in furtherance of the stupid racial theme, and realize that in fact they may not have seen it before. So, excellent. I’m sure it will be just as exciting reliving the trials and tribulations of green cast members as it was in so many other seasons. I was going to complain about how the show pretty much handed them all those fishing spears, but then I realized I didn’t exactly feel like watching them struggle with fishing, which of course only one person ever masters, leading to endless confessionals about how they know they’ll be safe because the tribe would never boot the food provider, right? God, I want to kill myself just thinking about it. Anyway, let’s move on, shall we?

The white folks argued about something too boring to bother summarizing.

At the brown folks’ camp, Billy wasn’t pulling his quite considerable weight, so Ozzy cooked up the bold plan to throw the challenge to get rid of him. Because as we all know from watching the previous twelve seasons, the most important thing in this game is the “surviving” part, and not “alliances” or silly notions like maintaining your numbers even if you don’t like everyone, because the longer you can keep around the deadweight, the longer you yourself can avoid the risk of getting voted out. Geez, Ozzy, if Billy was such a liability in challenges, just wait till he actually causes you to lose for real, and then you can boot him without looking like a complete douchebag. I mean, have these people ever seen this show before? …Sorry. Never mind.

At the challenge, Aitu followed through with their plan and lost in ridiculous fashion. Showing further evidence of their strategic brilliance, they sent Yul (or as I like to call him, “the king”), who is both strong and smart, to Exile Island. And in a scene that will live in infamy, Candice made the tragic mistake of being nice to a doomed man, which will inevitably lead to a lifetime of unlisted phone numbers, false names, and permanent restraining orders.

On Exile Island, Yul found the hidden immunity idol, while at tribal council, Billy made Probst do the best.double.take.ever when he revealed his million-dollar prize, his love-affair-for-the-ages with Candice. Everyone else, both on and watching the show, snickered. Mmm, Snickers. Anyway, Billy was tossed, sending him back to the real world. We hope.

Who will be voted out…NEXT???

Commercials. Somehow it seems appropriate to have an ad for a movie called “Open Season” during this edition of Survivor, though I can’t quite articulate why. So who here thinks Audrey Hepburn would ever deign to set foot in The Gap? Anyone? I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that I find The Rock a little bit charming.

Ext. Brown folks’ camp. Day 4. Night. The tribe discusses the validity of Billy’s claim that he and Candice fell in love. The fact that they’re even discussing any possibility other than “he’s batshit crazy” baffles me. I actually think it’s kind of too bad he got voted off, because his brand of crazy seemed like the annoying but harmless, and possibly entertaining, kind, as opposed to the malevolent crazy (see: the late Shane), which is just unbearable to watch.

At the yellow folks’ camp, Brad (is that his name? Seriously, it’s three episodes in and I still don’t know all their names - see what you’ve done there, Mark Burnett? You’ve so reduced all these people down to their races that I can’t even see most of them as individuals! Good work, sir!) catches a fish. Cao Boi (good god, don’t even get me started on how dumb that name is) regales the tribe with tales of some friend of his from Vietnam who sold his teenaged children into Iraqi slavery, or something, I don’t really know, but I think the ultimate conclusion is that war is bad. Great. The anti-war movement can always use more whackjobs on its side. Most of the tribe just listens in silence, because what else can you do? Brad says he thinks Cao Boi should be medicated. And also, that he’s had a “coming to Jesus” with Cao Boi. I honestly don’t know what that means, but the immature part of me (so, all of me) thinks it sounds both dirty and blasphemous.

Treemail! Wait, I don’t write treemail parodies. Sorry. Not in my repertoire. But it’s time for a challenge, and the whities practice, I guess, by performing yoga of some sort. At least I think that’s what it’s supposed to be. I’m sure people who are not me who know something about actual yoga would find this display sorely lacking in skill.

As the teams file into the challenge area, Yul is welcomed back from Exile Island, squinting like he just woke up. Or maybe they had him locked up in a dark closet. Hey, there’s an idea! Instead of sending these losers to wallow in self-pity on a deserted island, they should send them to wallow in self-pity in a dark room for a few days. Like the hole, Shawshank Redemption-style! Yes, I would totally watch that. Actually, no I wouldn’t. I’d want them to experience it, but I don’t think it would be so exciting to watch. So maybe it’s not such a good idea after all. (And right here is where, in a past life, I would have put one of those handy-dandy little interactive poll things to ask you, my dear readers, whether you would watch the Survivors getting thrown in the hole. Except I’ve decided that this show is no longer worth the time and effort it takes to construct the polls, so you’ll just have to do without them. Sorry.)

Jeff collects the severed body parts of the immunity idol and instructs all the survivors to drop their pants. No wait, that was just Julie. He actually instructs the survivors to drop their buffs. To which several of them are all, what? Buffs? Huh? It’s like they don’t know what he’s talking about, like they’ve never heard the word “buff” before. Um, haven’t they seen this…JESUS. I really need to stop doing that. The agitation isn’t good for my well-being. Anyway, buffs are doffed, and the camera makes sure to catch, in close-up, several of the female contestants as they pull the buffs down over their midsections. Yeah, that sure was necessary. I’m not sure I could have understood that buffs were being removed unless I saw in the context of bare female stomachs.

Jeff: You have been living together segregated by race in furtherance of our silly ratings ploy. Now it’s time to integrate!

At this point, the white tribe runs off from the beach and moves to the suburbs.

Jeff separates the women and men, then makes them all choose tiles, four of which are marked, resulting in four new captains, two women and two men: Cecelia, Parvati (which Jeff pronounces “poverty”; in my mind whenever I hear him say it, I always instinctively add “of mind” or “of soul”), Brad, and Jonathan. Then the captains have to choose new teams - the women have to choose women, the men have to choose men. And in order to determine which woman and which man goes first? Rock, paper, scissors. Seriously. I mean, I know it’s just another way to randomize, but it just seems so…I don’t know, low-rent. With the budget this show has, you’d think they could have come up with just one more silly prop. Whatever. Anyway.

Cecelia wins the tense battle to pick first by cutting Poverty’s paper with her scissors of death, helpfully relayed to us by Jeff’s stellar play-by-play (always my favorite part of the challenges). Jeff tells her she must pick someone not from her own tribe. So she picks “the pretty lady with the dreads” (Flicka). This confuses everyone around, because first, “pretty”? No. And also, she clearly learned some bizarro kickball rules, because everyone knows you’re supposed to pick the freaks LAST. Poverty picks “the cutie in the peach” (Jenny). “The cutie”? There is something very icky and patronizing about that. I mean, she’s what, like 36 years old, I think. But it might be just because I hate Poverty (and also, poverty). Flicka picks next, and it’s here that I notice that she has apparently inherited Sally’s turquoise thigh-high socks from last season. Can someone please explain this fashion trend to me? Because I really don’t understand it. Flicka picks Sundra, “the sister on the end.” OH NO SHE DI’NT. I’m pretty sure that having dreads does not automatically give you license to start calling black women “sister.” But she did, oh yes, she did. (Using clichéd slang in a summary by a goofy white girl such as myself, however, is totally allowed. What? I write the summary, I make the rules. Beeyotch.)

Anyway, the tribes sort themselves out as such: Girl team no. 1: Cecelia, Flicka, Sundra, Becky, and Candice. Girl team no. 2: Poverty, Jenny, Christina, Rebecca, and Stephannie. Boy team no. 1.: Brad, J.P., Nate, and Adam (who?). Boy team no. 2: Jonathan, Yul, Ozzy, and Cao Boi.

Okay, so now after all that, Jeff calls the captains forward again and has them all choose golden eggs from a tray. Yeah, eggs. I don’t know. Maybe I spoke too soon when I requested more fancy props. He tells them to squeeze the eggs with everything they’ve got. The eggs burst, shooting their loads of red and blue paint all over (I really feel like there’s an easier, better joke here, but I’m tired, and I can’t find it). It turns out that the colors signify which of the four new tribes will combine to form two (total) new tribes: Girl team no. 1 combines with Boy team no. 2, now called Aitu, and Girl team no. 2 combines with boy team no. 1, no now called Raro.

Got all that? GOD. What a ridiculously, unnecessarily complicated way to choose new tribes. There were about a billion different steps in there. It was like the Rube Goldberg method of tribe reshuffling.

And thus endeth the great social experiment of grouping the survivors by race, after only two episodes. Of course, as has been well documented before by my friends TJ and Dweeze, they’ve messed it up because it’s always the initial tribal bonds that stick regardless of race, and they should have started off all mixed up, not segregated. So this whole thing was kind of pointless. Not that we didn’t know that, of course. Also, I’m kind of peeved that the Hispanics won’t get to compete again as a tribe so they can lose for real and face the consequences of their stupid challenge-throwing (I suppose the results of this episode kind of accomplish the right end result, although I certainly would have preferred that that fuckstick Ozzy got booted; but I’m getting ahead of myself).

Can we just get to the challenge already? Oh wait, there’s no challenge. Time for commercials. Good thing, too. I need a break.

Commercials. Dell will build you a computer with the exact combination of parts and features you want, but everyone still gets an exploding battery.

At Raro beach (I think. I really am having a hard time keeping track of everyone), the tribe celebrates and decides to have a feast. I’m not sure what this feast will consist of, given that I don’t see that they were given any extra provisions, but whatever. Maybe it’s an imaginary feast. Nate does a weird little dance and says it’s the best day ever. These people do realize that they haven’t actually made it to the real merge, right? That there are still eighteen total survivors left, two more still than most of the earlier seasons?

The tribe sits down to discuss what they all thought of the original division by race. Several thought it was weird. J.P. thinks that good or bad, it was okay because it brings attention to it and makes people think. In case you didn’t know, J.P. obviously subscribes to the Paul Haggis School of Race Relations, which says that no one would ever discuss racism or recognize it as a problem unless it’s shoved in our faces by crass, heavy-handed popular entertainment vehicles. Also, everyone’s a racist. Yes, even you.

Stephannie says that now it’s all about people and who they are and what they bring to the tribe, and you really don’t see color! Amazing! Mark Burnett has conquered racism! I’m going to go run out right now and find a bunch of multi-racial friends, that’s how inspired I am!

Brad thinks it’s great, but first and foremost, it’s all about cold, hard cash. Cold, hard, fabulous cash.

At Aitu, the new tribe checks out the shelter. Apparently it has a fantastic wall that puts all other walls to shame. I don’t know. Cao Boi loves Cecelia and thinks she’d be an excellent restaurant hostess. And she’s Hispanic, but he loves her anyway! And he loves Flicka even though she’s not Asian! Aw. I feel all warm and fuzzy.

Cecelia breaks the news to Candice about the Billy-Candice love affair. Candice explains, yeah, not so much. But she laughs, and everyone kind of laughs, oh, isn’t that a cute and funny misunderstanding. They’re rather more mature than I think I would be about it, so I guess I have to give them credit for that (don’t worry, won’t happen again).

Back at Raro, the men bond over rock hauling. Why? Do they need a reason?

Poverty sits in a tree and tells us how she’s going to get ahead by flirting with the guys. It’s what she does best, she tells us. I’m not so sure. Her flirting is really rather sad and lame. And I have to say, both here and in previous episodes, it is so obvious that she’s an aspiring actress, and a very bad one at that, because she’s so totally trying to play the part of the Survivor Vixen, but since she’s not really an actual vixen (honestly, she’s cute, but I’d venture to say she nowhere near the hottest girl on the show, not by a longshot), it just doesn’t work. The whole thing is just so forced and pathetic.

At Aitu, the men build shelter. Snore. Becky recruits Candice into an alliance with Yul, and Candice proposes to add Jonathan. Becky says they need a fifth, and Jonathan says they can get Flicka, because he can get her to do whatever he wants, no question. Never mind that she’s a complete flake, but whatever. Details, details.

Jonathan approaches Flicka to reel her in, and I barely notice what’s said because I’m totally transfixed by the vacant, dumb, staring-at-nothing look that stays plastered on her face the whole time. I’m thinking that somehow, the ill-advised dreads have killed a whole lot of her brain cells. Flicka is ambivalent, and Jonathan tells her to think about it. And then he molests her. At least I think that’s what happened. I know his hand sure looked like it was heading to a place where it shouldn’t have been. I mean, we don’t want him catching any diseases, you know. Flicka tells us she’s not really into alliances, and she’s just here to make friends and see how far that takes her and not be fake. I’m not sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, she’s a certifiable moron, so there’s that. But I suppose it’s at least refreshing, in a weird way, to have a new perspective on the game. It’s not one that will get her far if she sticks to it, but hey, it’s new, so she’s got that going for her, which is nice.

On the beach, Yul and Becky discuss the various alliance possibilities. They declare their everlasting, never-to-be-broken trust for each other (which will surely be broken at some point), and Yul reveals, in a weirdly clinical fashion, that he found the hidden idol, and wouldn’t hesitate to give it to her if she were in danger. Incidentally, Becky is an extremely tiny person.

Commercials. If you’re a man who really, really likes meat, Quizno’s is the place for you. I think this new movie, The Departed, would be a lot better if it was called The Depahted. CSI: Miami - 100 glorious, orange, badly-acted episodes. All new Monday!

At Raro, it’s time for the exotic food-hunting scene. Every season has to have one. This time, we get Nate spearing an octopus. For some reason this makes me sad. I honestly don’t know why, because it’s not like I have any particular affection for octopuses (octopi? Neither is triggering the spell-check, by the way). Anyway, the octopus puts up a valiant fight, even going so far as to wrap itself around Adam’s body (though he managed to escape its clutches, continuing to squash my dreams of seeing a Survivor contestant get eaten by wildlife). Favorite part of the whole sequence? When Nate trash-talks the octopus. Octopus got played, sucka! Poverty bats her eyes (no really, she does, very obviously) and tries to flirt with Nate again, telling him it’s a lot of meat, and he needs it, and he could probably eat the whole thing himself. This is painful to watch. I think even I could flirt better than Poverty, and that’s saying something.

Time for the immunity challenge! No treemail this time, and no tribe-switching fake-outs. And hoo-boy, it the exact, same, fucking challenge from a few seasons ago (the one that jerkoff firefighter Tom won) where the tribes are chained together carrying weighted bags, and they have to chase each other around a corral in the water until one tribe catches the other and tackles at least one member to the ground. People can drop out, but they have to give their bag to someone still in the challenge. It’s actually a pretty cool and well-designed challenge, I think, but my god, it’s EXACTLY the same as before. Clearly the production crew wasted all their creative energy for this episode on the stupid integration non-merge merge, and they must have been all tapped out by the time it came to design the immunity challenge. I’m sure if they really had tried, they could have modified this even a little bit, don’t you think? Whatever. Run the damn challenge already.

Most of the women drop out early, but the Raro women last a little longer, and the Raro men are bigger and stronger, and before you know it, they catch up with Aitu. Yul comes up with the brilliant plan that he will physically fight off the guys from Raro, and, yeah, not quite. It’s rather surprising that he would think that it had even the slightest chance in hell of working, given that he’s supposed to be one of the smarter people there. Of course, we do have to remember that these are reality TV contestants we’re dealing with here, and everything is relative.

So Raro wins, and in addition to winning immunity, turns out that this time, they are the ones who get to pick someone from the other tribe to go to Exile Island. Which, if you’re paying attention, means that the person who goes misses tribal council and effectively gets immunity. Also it might fuck up the plans of that person’s alliance-mates. After a little discussion, they unanimously pick Candice, and off she goes.

Commercials. Dwayne Wade (a professional athlete of some sort; part of something called the “NBA”, I believe) wants to leave the world a better place than he found it. So he drives a big, gas-guzzling SUV. Why do mermaids always wear seashell bras? I’m sure there must be some more modest mermaids out there, maybe some who wear t-shirts, don’t you think? Why are they never depicted in movies? Wait, an action movie involving Kevin Costner and large quantities of water? That’s certainly worked out well before.

Back at Aitu camp post-immunity challenge, the tribe tries to figure out why they chose Candice to go to Exile Island. Yul thinks maybe it was because they didn’t think she was a threat and were trying to protect her. I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe someone from her old tribe knew something about her existing alliances and how they might be affected. Maybe they were trying to protect her from more unwanted advances from crazy, lovestruck tribemates. Maybe they thought she was too dumb to find the immunity idol (doubtful, though - isn’t she the medical student?). Or maybe someone just said randomly said Candice, and everyone was all, whatever, sure. Who knows. Who cares. Well, Yul cares.

Yul: Our alliance is fucked.

By the way, some random obersvations. Yul? Is ripped. If he decides to walk around all the time with his shirt off, I certainly wouldn’t mind one bit. Also, Cao Boi appears to be wearing a six-pointed star pendant around his neck. Is he Jewish? Not that it matters either way, but this was billed as the Race Wars Survivor, not the Clash of Religions Survivor, and I have enough to keep track of already. Also, I have no idea what my point here is.

Ozzy, Ceclia, and Sundra try to recruit Flicka to vote with them for Becky. Jonathan checks in with her again, and for some unknown reason, she tells him the other guys are voting for Becky, but also says she’s unsure who she’s voting with. Jonathan is understandably unhappy. It was right here, where she was getting practically the entire storyline, and neither of the putative boots were getting any screentime at all, that I was absolutely convinced that it was Flicka herself who was getting voted out. That’s what always happens, right? The wishy-washy fence-sitters always get tossed, because neither side can trust them. Keeping someone like that around is always a recipe for trouble down the road, right? Must.resist.obvious.question…

More boot discussion. Yul makes the case for Cecelia to Cao Boi. Jonathan works on Flicka some more. He tells her he’s trying to think ahead, and she says she’s not thinking ahead (she’s barely thinking in the present). He says “it’s like a game” (well, it is a game, actually), “it’s like a chess game.” Ohmygod, it’s totally like chess! Just the other day I was telling no one in particular, you know who Jonathan reminds me of? Garry Kasparov. (But seriously, if he ever calls himself the Chessmaster, someone needs to kill him.)

Anyway, Cao Boi doesn’t like all the scheming either, and says he has to check with Flicka first before deciding who to vote for. Wow, there’s an alliance of mental giants (watch them get to the final 2 just to spite me).

Tribal Council. Finally, thank god.

Jeff: Jonathan, before, we divided the tribes up by superficial racial characteristics, because the show has gone stale and we couldn’t think of anything else. Did that add anything to the merge?

Jonathan: No. Despite being idiots, we’ve still managed to be just a little less cynical than you and Burnett. I think the captains chose who they thought were the strongest, and I’m actually really pleased with the tribe. Despite the fact that the strongest people are actually on the other tribe. And that we lost and are sitting here with you. And that one of my alliance-mates got sent to Exile Island, so there’s a good chance another one could get voted out. But seriously, honestly, I’m very pleased with the way things turned out.

Jeff: Sundra, you have no friends, which makes you extremely powerful. Explain that logic.

Sundra: Well of course it also can make you very vulnerable, dumbass. But I am a polite person, so I’ll pretend you have a point.

Jeff: Yul, what the hell is going on here?

Yul: Some people are here to play the game and make alliances and strategize, and some people are just aspiring actors who want TV exposure.

Jeff: Jonathan, nothing wrong with either one of those things, both ends of a continuum.

Jonathan: Is that a question? And did you really just say “continuum”?

Jeff: Flicka, how big of a fuckwit are you?

Flicka: I guess I’m just not used to the manipulation or whatever. I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever seen the show before. Also, I’m totally toked up right now on some wild hash I found growing in the jungle. Peace out, man.

Jeff: Ozzy, how much do you suck?

Ozzy: A lot.

Time to vote.

Yul votes for Cecelia.

Yul: Nothing personal. I totally want to bone Becky, and it’s never going to happen if she gets voted out.

Ceclia votes for Becky. Nothing personal.

Sundra votes for Becky, says nothing.

Becky votes for Ceclia. Nothing personal. I’m sensing a theme here.

Ozzy votes for Becky.

Ozzy: You haven’t made any attempt to connect with me or get to know me at all. I will NOT be IGNORED.

Cao Boi votes. Not shown.

Jonathan votes for Cecelia. Nothing personal.

Flicka hesitates, still apparently undecided. Her vote is (of course) not shown.

Jeff: Tally-ho!

Cecelia
Becky
Becky
Cecelia
Becky
Cecelia
Cecelia

And Cecelia is voted out. Ozzy is sad. Sucks to be you, Ozzy. Also sucks to be a male viewer, I would think, as she seemed to be one of the better pieces of female eye candy. Oh well.

Jeff thinks one thing is clear - that the tribe is certainly not unified, and that could be risky. Well, that’s great and all, but if they’re not unified, they’re not unified. Sometimes people just disagree about stuff, you know? And also, tribes this big have never been all of one mind, even when they’ve voted unanimously or near-unanimously, because some people just vote with the majority so as not to expose themselves and create conflict. Doesn’t mean they were unified. Shut up, Jeff.

Commercials. I just realized there’s been a minor miracle. I made through an entire hour of television without seeing a single Peyton Manning commercial.

In Cecelia’s final words, she says she had great time, and she thinks the vote may have weakened the tribe. Okay, whatever.

Next time on Survivor: At Raro, lines are drawn! Oh no, does that mean they’re not unified?? Whatever will we do? At Aitu, Cao Boi harasses the wildlife in new and never-before seen ways. PETA is not amused.  ¶ 3:24 AM