Survivor Cook Island

Episode Six – There Is NO Episode Five

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

Nothing. Not a god damn thing. That’s why we didn’t even bother to summarize it. If you really must know, Stephannie of the Extra N Clan was booted, freeing me from making that joke again, though most of tribal council was used to let Cristina know how much everyone else in the tribe hates her.

We open once more before the credits. We’re at Raro, post tribal council. The mice are preparing the camp for the return of the tribe. Cristina is unhappy that she was the subject of so much verbal abuse at tribal council. Look at it this way, Cristina. You’re still around. Think of how much unhappier you would be if you had been booted. Not like you really need to be making long term plans, but three more days is three more days, right? Right.

Cristina launches a verbal salvo back at the group. No, not really. I just wanted to use the phrase verbal salvo. She complains about being blindsided. Adam says he has told her in camp that she was annoying. In confessional, Brad tells us Cristina isn’t annoying, just controlling.

Which is it, guys?

Adam is struggling to be positive about the group’s attitude towards Cristina. He genuinely seems like a decent guy. He tells her that she works hard, that they appreciate the effort she puts into tribal life, she’s just got an annoying personality.

In confessional Cristina tells us that tragedy is her life, that she has survived many other things and she knows she will survive this. Which makes a nice segue into the credits – the last words she says are “I can survive this” and the next word that appears on screen is SURVIVOR!

What does it say that I’m reduced to summarizing editing tricks?

Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning, and I’m using that until someone identifies what it’s from. We’re at Aituboy, and Ozzy and his faithful companion Jonathan are fishing. Well, Ozzy is fishing. Jonathan is holding the fish Ozzy catches. Jonathan tells us that the tribe needs Ozzy’s strength for the group game, but adds that Ozzy will be the biggest threat once it becomes an individual game.

Back at camp, treemail has arrived. Really! Honest to goodness treemail. It reads

Grope, wrestle in dirt
Reward/immunity challenge
Or Lohan Friday?

Actually, the note tells them about winning their first feast. Their first feast? Ozzy’s been catching ten fish a day! These people are not wanting for food.

As they prepare to go to the challenge, Cao Boi wants to take the immunity idol with them. It is noted that the immunity idol isn’t needed because the treemail didn’t say anything about immunity. Cao Boi doesn’t care. The idol is the ocean goddess of fertility, and as far as he is concerned, it is a tribe member. Jonathan disagrees. He correctly notes that bringing the immunity idol to a reward challenge is rubbing the victory in Raro’s face. In confessional Jonathan tells us that Cao Boi rubs a lot of people the wrong way, but of course he is the only one to say anything. In group, Jonathan says to Cao Boi that it should be a tribal decision, but Cao Boi just says he is not going to bring it because of Jonathan. Yul tells us in confessional that Cao Boi has gone through a lot but is hard-headed and unpredictable. Those three things seem to go together, if you ask me.

We cut to the challenge, where Jeff explains what will happen. There are two posts at one of a large sand pit. There is a finish line at the other end. The tribes will select three people to be post holders and four to be draggers. First, a woman from each tribe will be stationed to hold onto the post. The two female draggers from the other team will attempt to remove the person holding onto the post and pull them through the sand to the finish line. Once they have done so, a male will go hold onto the post. The two male draggers will go try to pull the male post-holder back to the finish line. After that is done, the last female will go and the two female draggers will try to pull her back. The first tribe to get all three post-holders past the finish line wins.

The prize? Thick lamb shanks, warm bread, and hot apple cider. The catch? The feast will take place at tribal council. That’s right, it’s double boot time. Both teams will be sending someone home tonight. The winning tribe will go first, sending someone home and then getting their reward. Which means that whoever gets voted out won’t get the thick lamb shanks! Oh cruel, cruel world. That tribe will then eat in front of the losing tribe while the losing tribe has tribal council.

Because we need an equal number of men and women for the challenge, Aitu has to sit out a man. Instead, they choose Cao Boi. Ha! Aitu will use Candice, Ozzy, and Sundra as post-holders. Not postholes, mind you. Post-holders. Raro will send Cristina, Nate, and Jenny, which is a shock – I would think Parvati would have the most experience of anyone in the tribe with a floor-to-ceiling pole.

Okay, put your hands in the air like you just don’t care and do the Probst Challenge-Dance! Survivors ready, GO! Jessica and Becky manage to pull Jenny off the pole very quickly. Parvati and Rebecca are having no such luck with Candice. Indeed, though they are able to pull her off once, Candice is able to grab ahold of the pole again. Meanwhile, Jessica and Becky are dragging Jenny through the sand, pulling her to the finish line before Parvati and Rebecca can even get Candice more than a few feet away from the pole. Those three are wrestling in the sand, and I can only say “PRAISE JEEBUS!”

Nate is the male Raron post-holder. Jonathan and Yul run out, pulling him off the pole roughly, but quickly. And though Nate puts up a good fight, they are able to get him back to the finish line before Parvati and Rebecca can get Candice over the line. That’s right – Aitu has two people over the line before Raro can even get one.

Cristina is the last Raron to grab a pole, and Jessica and Becky go back to get her. As they do, Parvati and Rebecca finally get Candice to the finish line. This sends Adam and Brad out to get Ozzy. They are moving him quickly, almost as quickly as Jessica and Becky got Jenny. Cristina, on the other hand, is not going quietly into that good night. Or into the sand, for that matter. Jessica gets a warning for putting Cristina into a chokehold. Cristina rolls on top of Jessica, then gets a warning for placing her forearm at Jessica’s throat. Cristina then tries to pull Jessica’s shorts off, and I’m betting that while this isn’t the first time a woman has tried to take Jessica’s shorts off, it is the first time Jessica has tried to stop her.

Parvati and Rebecca go out to get Sundra. Becky and Jessica are doing everything they can to drag Cristina. They roll for a little way, and Cristina gets a warning for pulling Jessica’s hair. If you want, modify the joke I made earlier about a woman pulling Jessica’s shorts down for a woman tugging Jessica’s hair. Becky and Jessica are finally are able to stand up and start dragging Cristina back to the finish line, but not before we see some hot pixilated action from Jessica. Meanwhile, Parvati and Rebecca haven’t even been able to separate Sundra from the pole.

Jeff sends everyone off to camp with the standard see you at tribal council. Oh, he adds that there will be one more surprise, and dear God, if you’ve been watching at all, you know what that surprise is – the winning tribe will somehow be able to save someone on the losing tribe from the vote. They’ve only pulled some variant on this trick at every double tribal council.

Back at camp, the Aituans are talking about how physical the challenge was. Sundra says she is proud of how the tribe came together. Yep, Sundra, you did a whole lot. The damn thing was 99% over before you came into it. Ozzy tells the group that it was the women who won it. Jessica says she never wrestled a cop before. Right. In confessional she states that it was inappropriate for Cristina to tug her hair and try to take her clothes off. Usually you have to buy Jessica dinner and a movie before you take her clothes off and tug her hair. A girl’s got to have standards, you know.

And now it gets weird.

Cao Boi asks Yul to come into the shelter so he can tell him about a dream he had. Cao Boi was in a village, and people were coming into the village and dragging people away with a rope. They would wrap the rope around people and disappear. They would fly away and were invisible to others, and I DIDN’T MAKE A SINGLE BIT OF THAT UP!!!!!

And now it gets really weird.

Cao Boi tells us in confessional that in the dream he was dealing with people with supernatural powers. He says a shaman women asked him if he an American Express card. She then asked him if he had a Visa. The confessional is interspliced with shots from inside the shelter where Cao Boi is telling the same thing to Yul. There is a wonderful shot of Yul rolling his eyes and looking like he would kill to get out of the shelter.

Continuing in the dream, Cao Boi asks the shaman woman why he needs the credit cards. She tells him he needs three of each. He determines that this is a plan to flush out the immunity idol. They will place three votes on Candice and three votes on Jonathan, and since one of them, probably Jonathan, has the immunity idol, he will be forced to play it.

Couple things wrong here. First, there are eight votes in play. What if those votes shift things so the idol doesn’t have to be played. Second, even if those other two votes go someplace else, there still is a three-three tie. The tiebreaker might involve a revote, it might involve a fire challenge, it might involve a purple rock. There’s no way of knowing. Thirdly, and most importantly, Cao Boi is telling his plan for flushing out the immunity idol, Plan Voodoo as he calls it, not just TO THE MAN WHO HAS THE IMMUNITY IDOL BUT TO THE MAN WHO IS JONATHAN’S ALLY!

Yul us it is a good plan. He tells Cao Boi it is a good plan. He does not tell Cao Boi that he has the idol. Cao Boi tells Yul that if nothing else, one of the Caucasians will be going home. The worry for Cao Boi is that there are still five Caucasians left in the game, and they can unite at the merge. Cao Boi then shares Plan Voodoo with the rest of the tribe as Jonathan and Candice frolic in the surf.

Over at Raro, Nate decides that the tribe is going to eat well tonight even if they don’t get a feast. He proceeds to catch another octopus.

Meanwhile, Cristina tells us that she realizes she is the target. We see her going to everyone, trying to get them to change their minds. The only one she seems to reach is Nate, who sees an advantage in keeping her strength with the tribe and with getting rid of Jenny for the same reasons Cao Boi wants to get rid of one of the Caucasians.

Back at Aitu, Jessica and Cao Boi are working out together. We see Jonathan talking to Yul, telling him Cao Boi is a wild card and it’s time for him to go. You didn’t hear the dream, Jonathan. You didn’t hear the dream.

Cao Boi is reiterating Plan Voodoo with the rest of the group. Sundra and Becky are somewhat partial to the idea. Ozzy is non committal. Jessica is in.

We see Becky talk to Yul, who right after telling us he is in a tight alliance with Jonathan, says he now has doubts. Either something is going on or we’re just getting editing to make us think the obvious is not going to happen. I opt for the latter.

Yul tells us in confessional that he wishes the game could be played with more integrity. Check that one of the list of Survivor cliches. Then he tells us something interesting. He says several people think they are in alliances with him, several people trust him, but he can’t really be in an alliance with everything. Pretty key confessional if you ask me.

Cut back to camp, where everyone but Jessica and Cao Boi are in the shelter talking. This seems to concern Jessica, but Cao Boi blows it off, saying that Plan Voodoo is in effect and they will be fine. Uhm, dood? If everyone else but you is talking pre-tribal council, that means you are going to be voted off.

In confessional, Jonathan tells us he doesn’t think he will be voted off, but if he’s wrong, he’s been outplayed. Don’t worry. Your time hasn’t come.

Yet.

Jeff: Just so you know, I’m not asking any of the women questions. You ladies need to go prep the food for the menfolk, mmmkay? Now, Jonathan. What the fuck is the deal with sounding like Alan Alda?

Jonathan: War’s hell, Jeff.

Jeff: Great. I shouldn’t have asked. Cao Boi. I see you brought the idol. Just how insane are you?

Cao Boi: Insane or extremely clever? You tell me Jeff. You tell me.

Jeff: I’ll go with insane. Ozzy, how nuts is Cao Boi?

Ozzy: Ozzy feels connected to the idol. He has a bond with it. Some people get annoyed, some don’t, but it really is symbolic of other issues the tribe has.

Jeff: You mean like Cao Boi’s insanity. Yul, Cao Boi: Batshit lunatic or raving asylum escapee?

Yul: Cao Boi is a mixture of shaman, cheerleader, and fire tender. I don’t completely understand him, but he’s very loyal.

Jeff: I’ll put that down as batshit lunatic. Cao Boi, is it true that the gibberish they speak on your planet is not understandable to we humans?

Cao Boi: People either love me or hate me Jeff, but they know I mean well.

Jeff: Seems like a yes to me. Yul. Does the tribe have any leaders or followers?

Yul: Jonathan is a natural leader, and this target looks good on his back.

Jonathan: Well, I appreciate that he said that, but I don’t try to lead. I don’t try to patronize these people.

Jeff: These people? You mean the broads, the blacks, the hispanics, and the asians?

Jonathan: Exactly, Jeff. Exactly. You know where I’m coming from.

Jeff: A Klan meeting, probably. And don’t lump me in with you. I just have issues with women. Ozzy, how are you voting tonight? Will you write down Cowboy or spell his name right and put down Cao Boi?

Ozzy: Not sure Jeff. Depends on how I feel when I have pen in hand.

Jeff: Cao Boi, what about you? How are you voting?

Cao Boi: The vote is like a chess game. The vote tonight is to expose the queen.

Jeff: I’m confused. Brad’s on the other tribe. What is the queen?

Cao Boi: The queen is the immunity idol. The dog barks at midnight.

Jeff: Great. Good last words.

Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

We see three votes – Jonathan votes Cao Boi, Jessica votes Jonathan, and Cao Boi votes Candice. The rest are not shown. The tallymon then tallies the bananas and the votes.

Cao Boi
Candice
Jonathan
Cao Boi
Cao Boi
Cao Boi

With the third Cao Boi vote, we are treated to shots of Cao Boi and Jessica looking nervous. It has to be a very crappy feeling to be the only one left out of the voting bloc. Cao Boi tells us that he should have been aware that the other Asians, the people most like him, were most likely to vote against him. As he does, we see that no one spelled his name right. Yul came closest, with Cow Boi. Back at tribal, any hard feelings are dissipated immediately upon disbursement of the lamb shanks. Lamb shanks make everything better.

Jeff: So, Adam, jealous much?

Adam: No Jeff. I hate lamb, I hate bread, I hate apple cider, and I hate winning. So it’s all good.
Jeff: Nate. Food smell good.

Nate: I just had octopus, Jeff. I’m good.

Jeff: Brad, you guys got smoked in a physical challenge by that group over there. How big of losers are you?

Brad: Jeff, it’s not about winning challenges, it’s about who is working hard at camp and who gets along.

Jeff: So you’re all huge losers.

Brad: Pretty much, yeah.

Jeff: Cristina. Everyone hates you, and you’re the obvious target tonight unless some twist occurs that anyone with the brain power of a cricket can see coming.

Cristina: Is there a question Jeff?

Jeff: Nope. Just wanted to point that out. Brad, sucks to be Cristina, right? I mean, she’s toast unless a miracle shock surprise happens that we all can see coming like a train in the distance.

Brad: Yes, we shouldn’t have said those things in public about her. We should have been nice to her face and nasty behind her back.

Jeff: Jenny, what happened when you got back to camp?

Jenny: Girlfriend got all up in everyone’s face, telling us to back that smack up or take it home, and she was all like who dat dissing me, and

Jeff: You’ve been hanging out a lot with Rebecca, haven’t you?

Jenny: Damn straight.

Jeff: Cristina. You’re annoying, you dress terribly, everyone despises you, and you’re toast unless Aitu is given some miracle ability to save one person from the vote.

Cristina: Is there a question Jeff?

Jeff: Nope. Just wanted to point that out.

Cristina: Well, since you didn’t ask, it bothers me because I thought these people were my friends and it is a blow to my morale and…

Jeff: So, Adam, it’s going to be great to have her gone, that is unless some unforeseen gimmick is tossed into the game that allows her to be plucked out of your tribe and whisked away to the other tribe so you have to vote out someone you think is an asset to your group, isn’t it?

Adam: Yep

Jeff: Nate, at what point do you start playing an individual everyone-for-themselves game?

Jenny: What do you mean start?

Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

Jeff: Not so fast, German-boy. I said there was a surprise, and this is it. Aitu, you get to kidnap one person *coughCristinacough* from Aitu. That person *coughCristinacough* will be on your tribe through the next reward, and, obviously enough, will be safe from tonight’s vote. So, if there is an obvious person that Raro is going to vote for *coughCristinacough*, now is the time to save that person *coughCristinacough* and throw a spanner into their plans. So who *coughCristinacough* is it going to be?

Ozzy: (After conferring with the group.) Nate.

Jeff: Cristina, go join Aitu, and the rest of you can. Wait. Did you say Nate?

Ozzy: Yes.

Jeff: Morons. Okay, Nate, go join them and grab some lamb. Cristina, bring me your torch.

Cristina: Can we vote first?

Jeff: Not sure that it matters, but yeah. Why not?

Dieter: Can I do it now?

Jeff: Knock yourself out.

Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

So who will they vote for? I know who they should vote for – they should vote for the instant karma hunters right now! Everyone dance!



The tallymon comes and tallies the vote. Before announcing it, Jeff sends Aitu back to camp. The votes are now read. Cristina votes Jenny, as does someone else. (We’ll see later that it was Brad.) Everyone else votes Cristina. As she takes the walk of shame, Jeff tells the tribe they voted J.P off because he was bossy, Stephannie because she had too many “n”s in her name, and Cristina because she was annoying. He doesn’t explain the comment.

On the next Survivor, Jessica decides to talk strategy in front of Nate. Being left out does strange things to you. Ozzy continues in his role as chef to the tribe. Someone gets pummeled by rain on Exile Island. But that’s not really next week. Next week is a recrap. Sorry. Next week is “A Closer Look” which we all know is code for recrap.

As we fade into the lights of Shea Stadium, Cristina says she was taken advantage of – Hey! She was the one trying to strip Jessica, not the other way around – and wishes she had stayed longer.

  ¶ 12:56 PM 3 Comments

  Survivor Cook Island

Episode Four – The One Where Dweeze Barely Gives A Fuck

By Dweeze


Previously on Survivor.

Aww, who the fuck cares. It’s all going to end with Probst saying “who will be voted out next?” More importantly, can I get anything funny out of this dog of a show?

We open at Aitu, BEFORE THE CREDITS! Man, Burnett is trying to mix it up. Give us a little taste to whet our appetites, maybe stop us from clicking over to Earl or Olbermann, two shows I’d rather be watching right now. Instead, I’m watching as the tribe comes back from tribal council to find mieces all over the place. Oooh, I hates those mieces to pieces! Yul tells us voting someone else out sucked and he feels terrible. Tell ya what, Yul, you’d feel much worse if the person voted out was you. Becky knows what I mean – she tells us she feels like she close to leaving but now, with Cecilia gone, she feels comfortable. Next up on the post-tribal council range of emotions is Ozzy, who was blindsided when he was one of only three-Becky votes. He’s bitter that he’s the only remaining original Aitu at Aitu (Give Aitu Back To The Aituans!), and that the rest of the tribe are enjoying the fruits of the paradise he and Cecilia helped build. He says he’s going to take his toys and go home, I mean, quit catching food for the tribe. That’ll learn them! And with that, we go to the opening credits.

Back. Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning. Candice arrives back home from Exile. Able she was, ere she saw Elba. She lets everyone she didn’t find the idol, not like we really spent a whole lot of time with her last episode. Flicka, who has gone from “not wanting to play a game” to “suspecting everyone” in less than a day, wants to know why Adam and Parvati chose Candice for Exile. She implies that they did so because Candice is an alliance partner and they wanted to protect her from the boot. Candice tells us she decided to play dumb, though I doubt anyone can be that convincing.

Too obvious?

Over at Raro, the men are sitting around doing nothing while the women work to make living conditions better. That’s how God intended it, am I right guys? Guys? Parvati tells us that it makes her mad, but J.P. tells the guys he doesn’t care if the women are mad, because they need the men around for strength and the men will stay in a strong alliance. And if you have watched this show more than once in the past few years, you now know not only who tonight’s boot will be, but that the male alliance J.P. is going on about will last as long as the Twins did.

Next up, reward challenge, again sans tree mail. You know it’s gotten bad when the staff doesn’t even bother anymore. It’s a bondage challenge. Two tribemates are attached to a rope that loops over, under, and around an obstacle course. The rest of the tribe help the tied members maneuver forward to a decoder table. Once there, a tribe member will head to the water, swim out, recover the decoder ring, bring it back, and the tribe will decode the hidden message. First tribe to accomplish this wins reward, in this case blankets, pillows, and a hammock.

Survivors ready? Go!

We’re off. Candice and Becky are attached to the rope for Aitu, Cristina and Jenny for Raro. Aitu gets off to an early lead. Yul drags Becky underneath a log, Candice following. Aitu expands on the lead when Raro gets tangled up in blue. Aitu gets to the decoder table, Ozzy heads into the water, brings the decoder ring back, and the team gets to solving. They get hung up here, however, and Raro is able to get to the table, get its decoder ring back, and start working on the puzzle, but Aitu’s lead is too great and they win when they correctly decode the message as “Be Sure To Drink Your Ovaltine”. Sorry. It’s actually, “Last castaways back cast one away.”

You know, mine made more sense.

Anyway, Aitu gets reward and also gets to send someone to Exile Island. That lucky person? Adam.

Aitu gets back at camp. Flicka tells us she felt threatened by the brawn of Raro. Ozzy, contrary to what he told us earlier, decides to go fishing. He and Jonathan go out and catch eleven fish. Well, Ozzy caught nine, Jonathan caught two. The rest of the tribe is happy, determined to have a nice feast. Ozzy tells us that his place in the tribe is strong because he can provide food for them. Hmmm. Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SEASON OF THIS SHOW!

Over at Raro, things are not quite as fun. Nate says that it’s good they were able to be humbled. J.P. doesn’t seem particularly humble, however. He’s giving orders to everyone. Parvati tells us J.P. is sly and you might not realize he is bossing everyone around, though you would have to be as dumb as, well, Parvati to think that was the case.

That night Nate and Parvati are strategerizing. She asks him if the men made an alliance. He says yes, but adds that he and Parvati are tight and he has her back. She tells Nate about her anger towards J.P. and his attitude that he is running the tribe, but Nate says to just let the king sit pretty and not worry about it. Nate later tells us that Parvati is cool and smart and doable, though he realizes he has to let his big head do the thinking. No, seriously, that’s pretty much what he said.

Cut back to Aitu, where Jonathan and Cao Boi have found a bird nest. Cao Boi decides to climb the tree and grab the eggs. Cao Boi is missing a few brain cells. All he succeeds in doing is knocking the nest, and the newborn chick in the nest, to the ground. Jonathan gets all blubbery about how this fresh life, not even a day old, has been disrupted. Cao Boi and Jonathan get the nest back up in the tree to the mother bird, and it’s times like this that make me miss Granny Jan.

Off to immunity challenge, and dear God, I am only halfway through this. It’s another multi-part challenge. First, four people from each tribe assembles a stretcher. Then, they race through the woods to the beach. Then, someone swims out to a mast where one tribemate has been shackled. They, unshackle the tribemate, swim to shore, then the four carry the shackled person back on the stretcher. When they get back, the other tribemates have to start a fire.

Candice and Parvati are shackled for their respective teams. The Raro men are going to make the stretcher, while Flicka, Ozzy, Yul, and Jonathan do it for Aitu. Raro gets off to an early lead, but loses that when Ozzy is able to go through the water faster than J.P. Imagine that. Aitu makes it back to the fire building station with a small lead, but it doesn’t look like it would matter. Cao Boi gets a fire build in no time. The women building the fire for Raro, primarily Stephannie, succeed mainly in harming themselves. Aitu wins, and we are done with them for the episode.

Back at Raro, Stephannnie says the loss was her fault and adds that she would not blame them for voting her out. She then heads out. Nate tells us that if someone wants to leave, he’s not going to stop them. He tells the group that Stephannnnie deserves the red carpet treatment and that he will tell her she is going. J.P., exhausted from actually having to do something, decides to nap.

Know what J.P.? Never, ever, EVER, nap before tribal council. Ever.

Jenny and Rebecca are talking, and decide they need to convince Stephannnnnie that she should stay. Stephannnnnnie is telling Cristina that she regrets having said what she said and adds that she wants to stay. Wheels are set in motion as the two tell her and Cristina of their plan to boot J.P. Cristina doesn’t hesitate to agree. So much for ethnic background. They decide to enlist Parvati, because if she says yes, that’s all they need. Parvati, on the other hand, says she needs to think about it.

The hell?

So as Parvati goes off to “think”, the four corner Brad and try to enlist him. He says he will think about it. And with that, we are off to tribal council.

Jeff: Steph, what’s up with all the “n”s?

Stephannnnnnnie: Need to give the summary writer something, Jeff, cause the show sure ain’t doing it.

Jeff: Fair enough. Nate: What up in the dawg pound? Can I have a whoop whoop?

Nate: Jeff, that’s lame even when Randy does it.

Jeff: Sorry. Jenny, is there a leader?

Jenny: Other than King J.P. Napsalot here? Nope.

Jeff: Any comeback, J.P.?

J.P.: *snores*

Jeff: Stephannnnnnnnie, you pretty much singlehandedly blew the challenge.

Stephannnnnnnnnie: Do you have a question, Jeff?

Jeff: Nope, just making an observation. Could someone wake J.P. and ask him if he thinks Steph should be booted because she couldn’t make fire?

J.P.: Wuh? Huh? Oh, sorry. Uhm, well, you know, I really messed up the swimming part of it, and I shouldn’t be voted out for that. So no.

Okay everyone, voting time. Rebecca and Cristina vote J.P., J.P. votes Stephannnnnnnnnnie, as does Nate. The tallymon comes and does his thing, and the votes are read. According to the count Jeff gives, it’s five to two. J.P. is stunned, says he was outwitted, and is frogmarched to loser lodge. Probst gives the basic “Trust blah blah blah work together blah blah blah” speech he has been giving in his sleep for years. As we fade into Vegas, we see that everyone vote for J.P. except J.P. and Nate. Man, I bet that makes Nate feel good.

  ¶ 11:53 AM 2 Comments

  Survivor 13: Is This Thing Still On?, Episode 3
Dinkin’ Flicka

or, Mark Burnett: Out of Ideas

by Diamond

Previously on Survivor: We all hate this show but still feel compelled to watch it for some reason.

Also, the black folks FINALLY got fire only after being given a flint, which might as well be a propane torch for how easy it makes firestarting, prompting the viewing public to wonder, um, have they ever seen this show before? Did they not know they would need to make a fire and perhaps should have learned how to beforehand? And then we remembered that these people were all recruited in furtherance of the stupid racial theme, and realize that in fact they may not have seen it before. So, excellent. I’m sure it will be just as exciting reliving the trials and tribulations of green cast members as it was in so many other seasons. I was going to complain about how the show pretty much handed them all those fishing spears, but then I realized I didn’t exactly feel like watching them struggle with fishing, which of course only one person ever masters, leading to endless confessionals about how they know they’ll be safe because the tribe would never boot the food provider, right? God, I want to kill myself just thinking about it. Anyway, let’s move on, shall we?

The white folks argued about something too boring to bother summarizing.

At the brown folks’ camp, Billy wasn’t pulling his quite considerable weight, so Ozzy cooked up the bold plan to throw the challenge to get rid of him. Because as we all know from watching the previous twelve seasons, the most important thing in this game is the “surviving” part, and not “alliances” or silly notions like maintaining your numbers even if you don’t like everyone, because the longer you can keep around the deadweight, the longer you yourself can avoid the risk of getting voted out. Geez, Ozzy, if Billy was such a liability in challenges, just wait till he actually causes you to lose for real, and then you can boot him without looking like a complete douchebag. I mean, have these people ever seen this show before? …Sorry. Never mind.

At the challenge, Aitu followed through with their plan and lost in ridiculous fashion. Showing further evidence of their strategic brilliance, they sent Yul (or as I like to call him, “the king”), who is both strong and smart, to Exile Island. And in a scene that will live in infamy, Candice made the tragic mistake of being nice to a doomed man, which will inevitably lead to a lifetime of unlisted phone numbers, false names, and permanent restraining orders.

On Exile Island, Yul found the hidden immunity idol, while at tribal council, Billy made Probst do the best.double.take.ever when he revealed his million-dollar prize, his love-affair-for-the-ages with Candice. Everyone else, both on and watching the show, snickered. Mmm, Snickers. Anyway, Billy was tossed, sending him back to the real world. We hope.

Who will be voted out…NEXT???

Commercials. Somehow it seems appropriate to have an ad for a movie called “Open Season” during this edition of Survivor, though I can’t quite articulate why. So who here thinks Audrey Hepburn would ever deign to set foot in The Gap? Anyone? I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that I find The Rock a little bit charming.

Ext. Brown folks’ camp. Day 4. Night. The tribe discusses the validity of Billy’s claim that he and Candice fell in love. The fact that they’re even discussing any possibility other than “he’s batshit crazy” baffles me. I actually think it’s kind of too bad he got voted off, because his brand of crazy seemed like the annoying but harmless, and possibly entertaining, kind, as opposed to the malevolent crazy (see: the late Shane), which is just unbearable to watch.

At the yellow folks’ camp, Brad (is that his name? Seriously, it’s three episodes in and I still don’t know all their names - see what you’ve done there, Mark Burnett? You’ve so reduced all these people down to their races that I can’t even see most of them as individuals! Good work, sir!) catches a fish. Cao Boi (good god, don’t even get me started on how dumb that name is) regales the tribe with tales of some friend of his from Vietnam who sold his teenaged children into Iraqi slavery, or something, I don’t really know, but I think the ultimate conclusion is that war is bad. Great. The anti-war movement can always use more whackjobs on its side. Most of the tribe just listens in silence, because what else can you do? Brad says he thinks Cao Boi should be medicated. And also, that he’s had a “coming to Jesus” with Cao Boi. I honestly don’t know what that means, but the immature part of me (so, all of me) thinks it sounds both dirty and blasphemous.

Treemail! Wait, I don’t write treemail parodies. Sorry. Not in my repertoire. But it’s time for a challenge, and the whities practice, I guess, by performing yoga of some sort. At least I think that’s what it’s supposed to be. I’m sure people who are not me who know something about actual yoga would find this display sorely lacking in skill.

As the teams file into the challenge area, Yul is welcomed back from Exile Island, squinting like he just woke up. Or maybe they had him locked up in a dark closet. Hey, there’s an idea! Instead of sending these losers to wallow in self-pity on a deserted island, they should send them to wallow in self-pity in a dark room for a few days. Like the hole, Shawshank Redemption-style! Yes, I would totally watch that. Actually, no I wouldn’t. I’d want them to experience it, but I don’t think it would be so exciting to watch. So maybe it’s not such a good idea after all. (And right here is where, in a past life, I would have put one of those handy-dandy little interactive poll things to ask you, my dear readers, whether you would watch the Survivors getting thrown in the hole. Except I’ve decided that this show is no longer worth the time and effort it takes to construct the polls, so you’ll just have to do without them. Sorry.)

Jeff collects the severed body parts of the immunity idol and instructs all the survivors to drop their pants. No wait, that was just Julie. He actually instructs the survivors to drop their buffs. To which several of them are all, what? Buffs? Huh? It’s like they don’t know what he’s talking about, like they’ve never heard the word “buff” before. Um, haven’t they seen this…JESUS. I really need to stop doing that. The agitation isn’t good for my well-being. Anyway, buffs are doffed, and the camera makes sure to catch, in close-up, several of the female contestants as they pull the buffs down over their midsections. Yeah, that sure was necessary. I’m not sure I could have understood that buffs were being removed unless I saw in the context of bare female stomachs.

Jeff: You have been living together segregated by race in furtherance of our silly ratings ploy. Now it’s time to integrate!

At this point, the white tribe runs off from the beach and moves to the suburbs.

Jeff separates the women and men, then makes them all choose tiles, four of which are marked, resulting in four new captains, two women and two men: Cecelia, Parvati (which Jeff pronounces “poverty”; in my mind whenever I hear him say it, I always instinctively add “of mind” or “of soul”), Brad, and Jonathan. Then the captains have to choose new teams - the women have to choose women, the men have to choose men. And in order to determine which woman and which man goes first? Rock, paper, scissors. Seriously. I mean, I know it’s just another way to randomize, but it just seems so…I don’t know, low-rent. With the budget this show has, you’d think they could have come up with just one more silly prop. Whatever. Anyway.

Cecelia wins the tense battle to pick first by cutting Poverty’s paper with her scissors of death, helpfully relayed to us by Jeff’s stellar play-by-play (always my favorite part of the challenges). Jeff tells her she must pick someone not from her own tribe. So she picks “the pretty lady with the dreads” (Flicka). This confuses everyone around, because first, “pretty”? No. And also, she clearly learned some bizarro kickball rules, because everyone knows you’re supposed to pick the freaks LAST. Poverty picks “the cutie in the peach” (Jenny). “The cutie”? There is something very icky and patronizing about that. I mean, she’s what, like 36 years old, I think. But it might be just because I hate Poverty (and also, poverty). Flicka picks next, and it’s here that I notice that she has apparently inherited Sally’s turquoise thigh-high socks from last season. Can someone please explain this fashion trend to me? Because I really don’t understand it. Flicka picks Sundra, “the sister on the end.” OH NO SHE DI’NT. I’m pretty sure that having dreads does not automatically give you license to start calling black women “sister.” But she did, oh yes, she did. (Using clichéd slang in a summary by a goofy white girl such as myself, however, is totally allowed. What? I write the summary, I make the rules. Beeyotch.)

Anyway, the tribes sort themselves out as such: Girl team no. 1: Cecelia, Flicka, Sundra, Becky, and Candice. Girl team no. 2: Poverty, Jenny, Christina, Rebecca, and Stephannie. Boy team no. 1.: Brad, J.P., Nate, and Adam (who?). Boy team no. 2: Jonathan, Yul, Ozzy, and Cao Boi.

Okay, so now after all that, Jeff calls the captains forward again and has them all choose golden eggs from a tray. Yeah, eggs. I don’t know. Maybe I spoke too soon when I requested more fancy props. He tells them to squeeze the eggs with everything they’ve got. The eggs burst, shooting their loads of red and blue paint all over (I really feel like there’s an easier, better joke here, but I’m tired, and I can’t find it). It turns out that the colors signify which of the four new tribes will combine to form two (total) new tribes: Girl team no. 1 combines with Boy team no. 2, now called Aitu, and Girl team no. 2 combines with boy team no. 1, no now called Raro.

Got all that? GOD. What a ridiculously, unnecessarily complicated way to choose new tribes. There were about a billion different steps in there. It was like the Rube Goldberg method of tribe reshuffling.

And thus endeth the great social experiment of grouping the survivors by race, after only two episodes. Of course, as has been well documented before by my friends TJ and Dweeze, they’ve messed it up because it’s always the initial tribal bonds that stick regardless of race, and they should have started off all mixed up, not segregated. So this whole thing was kind of pointless. Not that we didn’t know that, of course. Also, I’m kind of peeved that the Hispanics won’t get to compete again as a tribe so they can lose for real and face the consequences of their stupid challenge-throwing (I suppose the results of this episode kind of accomplish the right end result, although I certainly would have preferred that that fuckstick Ozzy got booted; but I’m getting ahead of myself).

Can we just get to the challenge already? Oh wait, there’s no challenge. Time for commercials. Good thing, too. I need a break.

Commercials. Dell will build you a computer with the exact combination of parts and features you want, but everyone still gets an exploding battery.

At Raro beach (I think. I really am having a hard time keeping track of everyone), the tribe celebrates and decides to have a feast. I’m not sure what this feast will consist of, given that I don’t see that they were given any extra provisions, but whatever. Maybe it’s an imaginary feast. Nate does a weird little dance and says it’s the best day ever. These people do realize that they haven’t actually made it to the real merge, right? That there are still eighteen total survivors left, two more still than most of the earlier seasons?

The tribe sits down to discuss what they all thought of the original division by race. Several thought it was weird. J.P. thinks that good or bad, it was okay because it brings attention to it and makes people think. In case you didn’t know, J.P. obviously subscribes to the Paul Haggis School of Race Relations, which says that no one would ever discuss racism or recognize it as a problem unless it’s shoved in our faces by crass, heavy-handed popular entertainment vehicles. Also, everyone’s a racist. Yes, even you.

Stephannie says that now it’s all about people and who they are and what they bring to the tribe, and you really don’t see color! Amazing! Mark Burnett has conquered racism! I’m going to go run out right now and find a bunch of multi-racial friends, that’s how inspired I am!

Brad thinks it’s great, but first and foremost, it’s all about cold, hard cash. Cold, hard, fabulous cash.

At Aitu, the new tribe checks out the shelter. Apparently it has a fantastic wall that puts all other walls to shame. I don’t know. Cao Boi loves Cecelia and thinks she’d be an excellent restaurant hostess. And she’s Hispanic, but he loves her anyway! And he loves Flicka even though she’s not Asian! Aw. I feel all warm and fuzzy.

Cecelia breaks the news to Candice about the Billy-Candice love affair. Candice explains, yeah, not so much. But she laughs, and everyone kind of laughs, oh, isn’t that a cute and funny misunderstanding. They’re rather more mature than I think I would be about it, so I guess I have to give them credit for that (don’t worry, won’t happen again).

Back at Raro, the men bond over rock hauling. Why? Do they need a reason?

Poverty sits in a tree and tells us how she’s going to get ahead by flirting with the guys. It’s what she does best, she tells us. I’m not so sure. Her flirting is really rather sad and lame. And I have to say, both here and in previous episodes, it is so obvious that she’s an aspiring actress, and a very bad one at that, because she’s so totally trying to play the part of the Survivor Vixen, but since she’s not really an actual vixen (honestly, she’s cute, but I’d venture to say she nowhere near the hottest girl on the show, not by a longshot), it just doesn’t work. The whole thing is just so forced and pathetic.

At Aitu, the men build shelter. Snore. Becky recruits Candice into an alliance with Yul, and Candice proposes to add Jonathan. Becky says they need a fifth, and Jonathan says they can get Flicka, because he can get her to do whatever he wants, no question. Never mind that she’s a complete flake, but whatever. Details, details.

Jonathan approaches Flicka to reel her in, and I barely notice what’s said because I’m totally transfixed by the vacant, dumb, staring-at-nothing look that stays plastered on her face the whole time. I’m thinking that somehow, the ill-advised dreads have killed a whole lot of her brain cells. Flicka is ambivalent, and Jonathan tells her to think about it. And then he molests her. At least I think that’s what happened. I know his hand sure looked like it was heading to a place where it shouldn’t have been. I mean, we don’t want him catching any diseases, you know. Flicka tells us she’s not really into alliances, and she’s just here to make friends and see how far that takes her and not be fake. I’m not sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, she’s a certifiable moron, so there’s that. But I suppose it’s at least refreshing, in a weird way, to have a new perspective on the game. It’s not one that will get her far if she sticks to it, but hey, it’s new, so she’s got that going for her, which is nice.

On the beach, Yul and Becky discuss the various alliance possibilities. They declare their everlasting, never-to-be-broken trust for each other (which will surely be broken at some point), and Yul reveals, in a weirdly clinical fashion, that he found the hidden idol, and wouldn’t hesitate to give it to her if she were in danger. Incidentally, Becky is an extremely tiny person.

Commercials. If you’re a man who really, really likes meat, Quizno’s is the place for you. I think this new movie, The Departed, would be a lot better if it was called The Depahted. CSI: Miami - 100 glorious, orange, badly-acted episodes. All new Monday!

At Raro, it’s time for the exotic food-hunting scene. Every season has to have one. This time, we get Nate spearing an octopus. For some reason this makes me sad. I honestly don’t know why, because it’s not like I have any particular affection for octopuses (octopi? Neither is triggering the spell-check, by the way). Anyway, the octopus puts up a valiant fight, even going so far as to wrap itself around Adam’s body (though he managed to escape its clutches, continuing to squash my dreams of seeing a Survivor contestant get eaten by wildlife). Favorite part of the whole sequence? When Nate trash-talks the octopus. Octopus got played, sucka! Poverty bats her eyes (no really, she does, very obviously) and tries to flirt with Nate again, telling him it’s a lot of meat, and he needs it, and he could probably eat the whole thing himself. This is painful to watch. I think even I could flirt better than Poverty, and that’s saying something.

Time for the immunity challenge! No treemail this time, and no tribe-switching fake-outs. And hoo-boy, it the exact, same, fucking challenge from a few seasons ago (the one that jerkoff firefighter Tom won) where the tribes are chained together carrying weighted bags, and they have to chase each other around a corral in the water until one tribe catches the other and tackles at least one member to the ground. People can drop out, but they have to give their bag to someone still in the challenge. It’s actually a pretty cool and well-designed challenge, I think, but my god, it’s EXACTLY the same as before. Clearly the production crew wasted all their creative energy for this episode on the stupid integration non-merge merge, and they must have been all tapped out by the time it came to design the immunity challenge. I’m sure if they really had tried, they could have modified this even a little bit, don’t you think? Whatever. Run the damn challenge already.

Most of the women drop out early, but the Raro women last a little longer, and the Raro men are bigger and stronger, and before you know it, they catch up with Aitu. Yul comes up with the brilliant plan that he will physically fight off the guys from Raro, and, yeah, not quite. It’s rather surprising that he would think that it had even the slightest chance in hell of working, given that he’s supposed to be one of the smarter people there. Of course, we do have to remember that these are reality TV contestants we’re dealing with here, and everything is relative.

So Raro wins, and in addition to winning immunity, turns out that this time, they are the ones who get to pick someone from the other tribe to go to Exile Island. Which, if you’re paying attention, means that the person who goes misses tribal council and effectively gets immunity. Also it might fuck up the plans of that person’s alliance-mates. After a little discussion, they unanimously pick Candice, and off she goes.

Commercials. Dwayne Wade (a professional athlete of some sort; part of something called the “NBA”, I believe) wants to leave the world a better place than he found it. So he drives a big, gas-guzzling SUV. Why do mermaids always wear seashell bras? I’m sure there must be some more modest mermaids out there, maybe some who wear t-shirts, don’t you think? Why are they never depicted in movies? Wait, an action movie involving Kevin Costner and large quantities of water? That’s certainly worked out well before.

Back at Aitu camp post-immunity challenge, the tribe tries to figure out why they chose Candice to go to Exile Island. Yul thinks maybe it was because they didn’t think she was a threat and were trying to protect her. I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe someone from her old tribe knew something about her existing alliances and how they might be affected. Maybe they were trying to protect her from more unwanted advances from crazy, lovestruck tribemates. Maybe they thought she was too dumb to find the immunity idol (doubtful, though - isn’t she the medical student?). Or maybe someone just said randomly said Candice, and everyone was all, whatever, sure. Who knows. Who cares. Well, Yul cares.

Yul: Our alliance is fucked.

By the way, some random obersvations. Yul? Is ripped. If he decides to walk around all the time with his shirt off, I certainly wouldn’t mind one bit. Also, Cao Boi appears to be wearing a six-pointed star pendant around his neck. Is he Jewish? Not that it matters either way, but this was billed as the Race Wars Survivor, not the Clash of Religions Survivor, and I have enough to keep track of already. Also, I have no idea what my point here is.

Ozzy, Ceclia, and Sundra try to recruit Flicka to vote with them for Becky. Jonathan checks in with her again, and for some unknown reason, she tells him the other guys are voting for Becky, but also says she’s unsure who she’s voting with. Jonathan is understandably unhappy. It was right here, where she was getting practically the entire storyline, and neither of the putative boots were getting any screentime at all, that I was absolutely convinced that it was Flicka herself who was getting voted out. That’s what always happens, right? The wishy-washy fence-sitters always get tossed, because neither side can trust them. Keeping someone like that around is always a recipe for trouble down the road, right? Must.resist.obvious.question…

More boot discussion. Yul makes the case for Cecelia to Cao Boi. Jonathan works on Flicka some more. He tells her he’s trying to think ahead, and she says she’s not thinking ahead (she’s barely thinking in the present). He says “it’s like a game” (well, it is a game, actually), “it’s like a chess game.” Ohmygod, it’s totally like chess! Just the other day I was telling no one in particular, you know who Jonathan reminds me of? Garry Kasparov. (But seriously, if he ever calls himself the Chessmaster, someone needs to kill him.)

Anyway, Cao Boi doesn’t like all the scheming either, and says he has to check with Flicka first before deciding who to vote for. Wow, there’s an alliance of mental giants (watch them get to the final 2 just to spite me).

Tribal Council. Finally, thank god.

Jeff: Jonathan, before, we divided the tribes up by superficial racial characteristics, because the show has gone stale and we couldn’t think of anything else. Did that add anything to the merge?

Jonathan: No. Despite being idiots, we’ve still managed to be just a little less cynical than you and Burnett. I think the captains chose who they thought were the strongest, and I’m actually really pleased with the tribe. Despite the fact that the strongest people are actually on the other tribe. And that we lost and are sitting here with you. And that one of my alliance-mates got sent to Exile Island, so there’s a good chance another one could get voted out. But seriously, honestly, I’m very pleased with the way things turned out.

Jeff: Sundra, you have no friends, which makes you extremely powerful. Explain that logic.

Sundra: Well of course it also can make you very vulnerable, dumbass. But I am a polite person, so I’ll pretend you have a point.

Jeff: Yul, what the hell is going on here?

Yul: Some people are here to play the game and make alliances and strategize, and some people are just aspiring actors who want TV exposure.

Jeff: Jonathan, nothing wrong with either one of those things, both ends of a continuum.

Jonathan: Is that a question? And did you really just say “continuum”?

Jeff: Flicka, how big of a fuckwit are you?

Flicka: I guess I’m just not used to the manipulation or whatever. I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever seen the show before. Also, I’m totally toked up right now on some wild hash I found growing in the jungle. Peace out, man.

Jeff: Ozzy, how much do you suck?

Ozzy: A lot.

Time to vote.

Yul votes for Cecelia.

Yul: Nothing personal. I totally want to bone Becky, and it’s never going to happen if she gets voted out.

Ceclia votes for Becky. Nothing personal.

Sundra votes for Becky, says nothing.

Becky votes for Ceclia. Nothing personal. I’m sensing a theme here.

Ozzy votes for Becky.

Ozzy: You haven’t made any attempt to connect with me or get to know me at all. I will NOT be IGNORED.

Cao Boi votes. Not shown.

Jonathan votes for Cecelia. Nothing personal.

Flicka hesitates, still apparently undecided. Her vote is (of course) not shown.

Jeff: Tally-ho!

Cecelia
Becky
Becky
Cecelia
Becky
Cecelia
Cecelia

And Cecelia is voted out. Ozzy is sad. Sucks to be you, Ozzy. Also sucks to be a male viewer, I would think, as she seemed to be one of the better pieces of female eye candy. Oh well.

Jeff thinks one thing is clear - that the tribe is certainly not unified, and that could be risky. Well, that’s great and all, but if they’re not unified, they’re not unified. Sometimes people just disagree about stuff, you know? And also, tribes this big have never been all of one mind, even when they’ve voted unanimously or near-unanimously, because some people just vote with the majority so as not to expose themselves and create conflict. Doesn’t mean they were unified. Shut up, Jeff.

Commercials. I just realized there’s been a minor miracle. I made through an entire hour of television without seeing a single Peyton Manning commercial.

In Cecelia’s final words, she says she had great time, and she thinks the vote may have weakened the tribe. Okay, whatever.

Next time on Survivor: At Raro, lines are drawn! Oh no, does that mean they’re not unified?? Whatever will we do? At Aitu, Cao Boi harasses the wildlife in new and never-before seen ways. PETA is not amused.  ¶ 3:24 AM 5 Comments