Friday, September 22, 2006
Episode Two – See That Chick Over There? She’s Totally Digging Me
Previously on Survivor: Liberal Guilt Islands
I know, I know. Somewhere around the 400th summary I wrote last spring I promised to give up the “Previously on” bit where I mention something that happened previously somewhere else other than the show I was summarizing. I tried to give it up. Really. I tried. But I’m an addict. I’ve got a problem. And I need help.
Previously on Survivor: Racist Pandering Islands
Ted tries to keep Robin from going on a camping trip so that she can spend time with him. Barney enlists the help of an old flame to perform a rain dance. Marshall finds out about Lily's interview for the fellowship in San Francisco.
Sorry. That was Previously on How I Met Your Mother.
Previously on Survivor: Cook Islands
We are introduced to our contestants, who are randomly split up into groupings that match their ethnic background. We have the usual scramble for supplies and the banishment to camps. There we experience the usual assortment of laziness, incompetence, questionable leadership choices, and a complete inability to build fire. JESUS H. FUCKING CHRIST ON A STICK, PEOPLE!!! The moment that being on the show moves from possibility to probability you should start practicing building fire every day until you reach the point that you can start a fire using nothing but sand and beetles. Oh, and a tribe with three women and two men voted out their strongest member, because we all know strength is of no importance in pre-merge challenges.
Previously on Survivor: Cook Islands (Special Extended Edition Previously On, written specifically for the release of this summary)
By the way, did you know that Anchorage, Alaska sits on the Cook Inlet. Cook Inlet and the Cook Islands were both named after explorer James Cook. Think about that – dood sailed to the southern pacific and Alaska. Think of the frequent sailor miles he earned. He had to have been on the run from something. Other items named after James Cook: Rachel Leigh Cook, Cook Books, Dane Cook, and Cook County, Illinois.
Previously on Survivor: Cook Islands (Extra Special Extended Bonus Edition Previously On, available only with the director’s cut of this summary)
There was a lot of pre-show speculation, particularly in the liberal blogosphere (and if you know me, you know I spend a lot of time reading in the liberal blogoshpere, and not because I’m looking for things to disagree with, but because that’s where my own political beliefs lie) that this was an attempt to cash in on some disturbing trends towards increased racism in society. I couldn’t disagree more.
That’s not to say that this edition was thought up as a social experiment, as high overlord Mark Burnett has claimed. Not to doubt the racial sensitivity of an Aussie, but as TJ so adroitly pointed out last time, if they wanted to make it a social experiment, divide the ethnic groups so that there is one member of each group on each tribe and then see if ethnic bonds transcend the tribal bonds that are formed in the early going of the game. As it is, as soon as one tribe gets to three people, if not sooner, we’ll have some sort of swap/switch/mini-merge and even though there will be all sorts of talk about whether or not ethnic bonds hold over tribal bonds, the simple fact of the matter is that it’s ALWAYS the case in these swap/switch/mini-merge situations that the tribal bonds that exist prior to the swap/switch/mini-merge trump tribal dynamics that form after the swap/switch/mini-merge.
And that’s also not to say that it isn’t an attempt to cash in. It obviously is. It’s just not an attempt to cash in on some growing racist sentiment that currently underlies society. It’s an attempt to give Survivor buzz, to make it hot again after a long time of being so cold they used it as background for the upcoming Happy Feet. It’s an attempt to get people watching at a time when the show faces perhaps the greatest challenge to its ratings empire since it became a break out hit. See, as we all know, it’s far easier to go with a cheap casting gimmick (I’m looking at you, TAR Family Edition) than to go with a close examination of the structure and details of the show with an eye towards change or modification or even, god forbid, asking a Mark Burnett who obviously no longer gives a damn to step aside in favor of a new production company who might care about the show.
But I digress.
We open at Hiki, where the now sudoko-less tribe tries to start fire with flint gained at tribal council. Watch them while you can now, folks, because you won’t see very much of them for the rest of the episode.
Over at Aitu, four people are working hard, fishing, spearing clams, gathering firewood, working together to build a tribe. Billy lays like a slug, which is his only strategy. In confessional Cristina talks about getting shot and almost losing her arm while serving as a police officer. Hey, Cristina! Man up! This one time, when I was playing God of War, I got my head chopped off by a Cyclops. Do you see me telling everyone about it? No way.
Billy finally rousts himself from his Jabba-like repose to see chickens. Cristina, having seen too many episodes of Lost, places a net on the ground in the hopes that a chicken will walk on the net and the tribe can hoist it. This works initially, but Kate is able to get the gun and the chicken is able to shoot the net down. Ozzy then, as nicely as possible, suggest that they trap the chicken using a tent. Cristina tells Ozzy that he acts like he knows everything. In confessional, Ozzy says he can understand that it probably makes her unhappy to have someone ten years younger than her giving instructions, and says that he would hate to take orders from a 14-year old. Hey Ozzy. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried, man.
Not that I speak from personal experience, of course.
They place the bait, a dartboard with a picture of Colonel Sanders taped to it, inside the tent. The chicken enters, they collapse the tent, and they have chicken. The tribe has a lovely chicken and fish dinner, though Cristina is still pissy that
A: They didn’t use her idea
B: Ozzy’s idea worked
C: Both A and B.
Puka is also in pursuit of Chicken-Americans. Yul devises a trap – actually, it’s the old box on a stick trick. Two chickens fall for it, though. One can see the eventual fight over Kung Pao or General Tso coming a mile away.
After counting their chickens after they were caught, Yul and Becky talk strategy. In confessional, they each voice respect for the other, Yul saying he doesn’t think Becky is only in it for the money despite being a lawyer, Becky saying Yul seems like an older brother, thus killing Yul’s Judge-Convict fantasy. And because of the casting gimmick, Becky mentions that the fact they are both Korean makes it easier to bond.
Last, and for all intents and purposes least, we look in on Raro, so named after the sound Scooby Doo makes when he says "Hello". Jonathan comes back from Exile Island, telling the kids to pick up their stuff and straighten up the beach. Seriously. He comes back, complains about Exile Island, and then complains even more about the fact that his tribemates did nothing while he was gone. He immediately decides that he needs to take charge on improving the shelter.
Jonathan suggests that they need to raise the shelter floor. Jessica agrees, and starts helping. Parvati, Candice, and Adam are talking about that dreamy Billy. Adam then tells everyone that raising the shelter floor is a bad idea. Deciding that "I’ll never be in Haiti again so why not have unprotected sex with a hooker" is a bad idea. Raising the shelter floor, so that you are less likely to get cold and/or wet, is a good idea.
Adam raises his voice, cause nothing says good argument like volume. Candice and Parvati side with Jonathan, which seems to incite Adam even more. What a guy. I’m sure our frield Flicka appreciates having the first tribal boot tag lifted off of her and placed on Adam. Candice pulls Adam aside and tells him that he shouldn’t make enemies.
Next day at Aitu, Billy is telling us that he loves hard work, and that he could watch it all day. Seriously. He says that his strategy is to lie around doing nothing but conserving energy while the others work hard. Needless to say, this wins him a lot of friends around camp. He justifies his lethargy to Cristina and Cecilia by saying his true cultural heritage is heavy metal, not Hispanic, thus cementing his potential to become one of the most idiotic players ever to play the game. My only fear is that he won’t be around long enough to make that happen.
We look in next on Puka, where Jenny has a headache and I didn’t even ask her for sex. Cao Boi uses his magic thumbs to pull the bad wind out of her, leaving a red welt in the process, and that’s nowhere near as kinky to watch as it reads.
Later in the shelter, Cao Boi, whose name seems like something you would see in a Yahoo chat room – not that I, uhm, have ever been in a Yahoo chat room, and certainly not under the name Dadys_Little_Princess, no matter what you may have heard – starts doing stand-up. He opens with a little insult material, picking on Jenny’s accent. He then dives straight into the inappropriate material, beginning with “what do you call a Vietnamese with three dogs?”
The rest of the tribe stops, mortified. Cao Boi says that he am what he am, that he has no hang-ups, that he can laugh at himself.
Good luck with that in loser lodge, dude.
In confessional, Brad tells us that, while the tribe understands Cao Boi, they worry that others won’t.
Others, not the others. I’m on a strict one-Lost reference per summary.
We cut back to the tribe in the shelter, arguing about the appropriateness, and we never hear the punchline. Far be it from me to deprive the reading public, so here is the answer presented as a short, one-act play entitled “Dweeze on Jeopardy”.
Alex: Dweeze, your pick..
Dweeze: I’ll take racist jokes for $200, Alex.
Alex: This is what you call a Vietnamese with three dogs.
Dweeze: What is a rancher?
Alex: Correct. Next pick.
So what was the purpose of all this? Was this Burnett’s way of saying that all the older abos know their place, and these young kids with their ideas about respect and dignity just don’t get it? Or is he just trying to edit in as much Cao Boi as he can before he goes? I mean, dude’s got “first tribal boot” written all over him, and not just because Brad found a marker left by the production crew.
Back to Aitu for a third visit, and if this doesn’t guarantee in your mind that tonight’s tribal council will be sponsored by Taco Bell, you haven’t watched the show enough. Billy is snoring so loud and obnoxiously that it makes Wanda’s singing seem like a beautiful lullaby. Ozzy tosses out the idea of throwing the challenge so they can toss out Billy. Cristina’s words say no, but her eyes say yes. Or maybe I am thinking of something else. JP tells us in confessional that he was thinking the same thing. About tossing Billy that is, not about the Cristina thing.
Day six, treemail. It reads
Work as a group
You fight to succeed
All but Aitu
Who wants the fat guy to leave
Yes, Aitu has an explicit conversation, sans Billy, who has wandered off in search of the latest issue of Kerrang!, about losing the challenge in order to boot Billy. JP declares more or less that he will throw the challenge all by himself.
Cut to the challenge area, where Jeff retrieves the parts of the immunity idol. It’s story and bondage time, kids, or as I like to call it, Saturday. First, Jeff reads to the tribes about Captain Cook. Then, the tribes are tied together and made to work their way over and under a series of logs and then through a field of poles to gather seven answer plaques. Carrying the plaques, they move across a rope bridge over a water pit and use the plaques to answer five questions about the story. Three tribes will get immunity, one of those will get reward (two tarps), and one tribe will go to tribal council.
Because we have unbalanced numbers, three tribes will sit someone out. Adam sits for Raro, Jenny for Puka, and JP for Aitu, even though Billy tried to volunteer to sit out. Not a bad strategy if you want to lose the challenge – make the fat guy go through the maze and over the water pit. Good thinking.
Jeff reads the story, and concludes by giving the tribes a chance to review a written version. Aitu takes him up on it, losing time while the other tribes go off on the maze.
The other three tribes work their way through to the answer plaques. Puka and Raro get their seven plaques one tribe after the other, making their way across the rope bridge. Hiki falls off the pace, but considering Aitu is acting like they are on a leisurely stroll, there are no worries for them.
Puka and Raro start putting answer plaques in place. Puka finishes and yells for Probst, but he makes them form on their mat. They get on their mat just as Raro does. Probst awards victory to Puka, much to Raro’s chagrin.
Meanwhile, Hiki gets to the mat and starts answering questions. Billy, on the other hand, drops off the rope bridge into the water pit. The finish isn’t even close.
Well, at least not for the final immunity spot. The finish for first is close enough that Probst goes to the replay official, who rules that the ball was not touched by the ducks before it went ten yards. Sorry. That was something else. The replay official rules that Puka and Raro arrived at their mats at the same time, and, as a result, tarps will be awarded to both teams. Tarps for everyone! Tarps for industry! Tarps for the dead!
Probst tells Aitu that at least they get to send someone to Exile Island. They choose Yul because of his strength.
Yeah, good idea. Send a talented player to the place where he can search for, and find, the hidden immunity idol. You should have chosen the laziest person possible.
Oh right, Billy. Make that the laziest person possible not on your tribe.
As the tribes form to leave, Parvati and Candice tell Billy they feel sorry for him. Billy replies that he’s next. Candice says the words Billy has longed to hear all his life from a woman who wasn’t related to him, “We love you!” Billy tells her back “I love you too!”
Back at camp, Ozzy admits, for the third fucking time, that they lost the challenge on purpose. This edition really should be Survivor: Beating You Over The Head With The Obvious Island. In confessional, Billy mentions that he is hoping to find an opening. He doesn’t say if he hopes to find the opening at McDonald’s or Best Buy. He certainly doesn’t appear to be looking for one at camp.
Cue Yul arriving on Exile Island. He has the clues, and immediately after telling us how much Exile Island sucks, begins searching. Irony! I love ya!
The clues instruct him to use the mast and an island to form a letter, then find a spot where he can see the letter but not see the south island. Yul immediately (in broadcast time, of course) finds the spot and commences digging. After digging up a big hole, he finds the hidden immunity idol.
Now, I don’t know if we are supposed to clue into some lizard brain “Asians smart!” meme or not? I do know that the clues could not have been easier to decipher. The dogs were sitting in the living room with me as I watched the show and THEY figured out where the damn thing was buried. Yul finding it is much less a testament to his abilities and much more a statement about Jonathan’s.
We cut to Aitu, where Billy is playing the sympathy card. He tries to convince Cristina to vote with him. Meanwhile. Cecilia says he looks like a zombie. A big, fat, zombie.
Cristina offers to talk to Cecilia. Man, that Cecilia. She’s breaking my heart. She’s shaking my confidence.
Baby.
Cecilia says she will vote with Cristina and for the briefest of moments our hopes are raised that we haven’t been handed this week’s boot since last week. It’s kind of like the feeling you have between purchasing the lottery ticket and the time the numbers are announced.
As we arrive at tribal council, those hopes are dashed. Billy is answering questions like a man who knows he is toast. Given Billy’s size, it would be Texas toast.
Jeff: Billy, did you try to be a leader?
Billy: I hit the ground running man…
Ozzy: More like hit the ground slow-walking.
Billy: (Ignoring him.) But eventually I said to myself, Billy. Don’t be a hero. Don’t be a fool with your life. Let Ozzy be the hero. Let Ozzy be the leader.
Jeff: Ozzy? Osbourne? Guillen? Smith?
Ozzy: (Clears throat.)
Jeff: Oh yeah. Sorry.
Cristina: Ozzy is not a leader. He just tries to take control, which is so unfair because I am trying to take control and he does it better than me.
Ozzy: Jeff, it’s not my fault I’m the only one who could think of a chicken-trap that wouldn’t embarrass Wile E. Coyote.
Jeff: Would you say you did a good job leading that last challenge?
Ozzy: Hell yes. We were trying to lose and we lost. That’s good leadership.
Jeff: What the fuck?
Ozzy: I mean no. Of course not. We lost.
Jeff: You threw the challenge? Billy, do you think they threw the challenge?
Billy: I know they did. They threw it to get rid of me. They think I hurt the tribe.
JP: You didn’t do anything! Why should we carry your weight around, especially considering how much weight there is to carry?
Billy: Man, I’m clawing and scratching like a wolverine to play this game.
JP: Dude, wolverines don’t usually lie around all day doing nothing.
Billy: I meant a lazy and fat wolverine.
JP: You have to make yourself a valuable part of your tribe if you want to stay around and have a shot at a million.
Billy, sensing his time is short, makes his move to secure his standing among the most idiotic castaways ever.
Billy: The prize for me isn’t a million dollars. The prize for me is love at first sight, mutual love at first sight, and I already won. I won love. Love, and her name is Candice.
Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): What the fuck?
Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): (Stunned silence.)
Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): What the fuckity fuck?
Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): (Stunned silence.)
Billy: Dude, Candice was totally checking me out, and after the challenge, she told me she loved me, even though she had barely seen me, and I wrote her a note and asked the dude from Puka to make sure she got it, and I told her I loved her and asked if she wanted to go to prom with me, or maybe just, you know, hang out and shit, and if that went well then she could decide if she wanted to go to prom, and even if she already had plans to go to prom it would be cool because I know she would be thinking of me, but I know that even if she has plans she’ll change them for me, I know she will, and even if she is reluctant I’ll get a boombox and stand outside her tent and play Peter Gabriel and that will change her mind, cause dude, that chick is totally into me.
Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): (Stunned silence, all backing away.)
Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): What the fuckity fuck fuck?
Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): (Stunned silence.)
Jeff: (Finally) Oookay. Uhm. Yeah. Uhm. Why do you think Candice would love you, you worthless fat fuck? No offense.
Billy: None taken. She loves me for my nunchuck skills, my bowhunting skills, my computer hacking skills.
Jeff: Okay. So, anyone here notice anything between Billy and Candice?
Ozzy: Nope.
Cecilia: (Giggling uncontrollably, shakes her head no.)
JP: Not at all.
Cristina: No. But I suppose it’s possible. I just don’t want to see him get hurt, like he will be if he ever shows up in my city where I’ll shoot him for trying to form an alliance with me.
Viewing Audience: Nada.
Candice: No. Fucking. Way.
Billy: (Turning his head, in a high pitched fake voice) I saw something.
Jeff: Okay, Billy, you’re officially nuts. Let’s start the process of getting you out of here. This vote is going to be more obvious than Ohio in 2004, but without the voting irregularities.
Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!
We J.P. and Billy’s votes, and there are no surprises. We see the reading of the votes, and again, no surprises. Indeed, later we will see that it was a 4-1 vote. The second person voted out of Survivor: I Don’t Know How Much Of This I Can Take Island is Billy. Collect your skull’s head tshirt and leave, dude. Cristina gives him a hug and Probst tells the tribe that two issues, trust and work ethic, have been raised. He says work ethic has been handled but wonders if trust been dealt with.
Uhm, dude. I know it’s getting tougher and tougher to focus on what the tribes say as opposed to what Julie is going to do later, but they just got rid of the guy who caused both the work ethic and the trust issues. And with that, we can all return to camp.
On the next Survivor. We visit an octopus’ garden, under the sea. Parvati tries to use her womanly charms on Adam, and when that doesn’t work she slugs him. And Cao Boi GETS RADICAL!!!!!!!!!!!
As we fade into the stages of Vegas, Billy tells us that he got to live the dream of coming on Survivor. Don’t stop chasing the rainbow, Billy! He adds that it’s too bad there wasn’t a heavy metal tribe. That’s Survivor 15, Headbanger Island, Billy. You should have waited. ¶ 5:08 PM
Comments:
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Hey, for those just arriving, here's a link to episode one:
http://sssum.blogspot.com/2006/09/survivor-13-episode-one.html
http://sssum.blogspot.com/2006/09/survivor-13-episode-one.html
Poor Dweeze! You know how bad the season of Survivor is when the "Previously on..."s are way more entertaining than the actual episode you're doomed to summarize.
However, I must congratulate you on the masterful job you did with Billy's tragic love story at TC. I know my reaction was certainly stunned silence. Right before I began lauging hysterically.
Ha! My secret word was: sxpls.
However, I must congratulate you on the masterful job you did with Billy's tragic love story at TC. I know my reaction was certainly stunned silence. Right before I began lauging hysterically.
Ha! My secret word was: sxpls.
Embarrassing confession: When I saw who the author of this summary was, I sqee'd a little bit and actually clapped my hands together with glee. A golf clap, yes, because I'm at work and the boss hates it when I start clapping for no reason, but a clap nonetheless.
Anyway, my point is that I loves me some Dweeze summary goodness. Unfortunately for me, this one was a big, fat, lazy let down.
Nah. Just kidding. You rocked it, as per usual.
Anyway, my point is that I loves me some Dweeze summary goodness. Unfortunately for me, this one was a big, fat, lazy let down.
Nah. Just kidding. You rocked it, as per usual.
And the Weaselman brings the funny!
I loved the whole thing, but Tribal gave me gigglepants!
And now is the time on comments when we post!
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I loved the whole thing, but Tribal gave me gigglepants!
And now is the time on comments when we post!
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