Survivor...somewhere...Pakistan, maybe? Episode...what? Six? Five? Fuck if I know. From : Chris/Supes
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 11:00 AM
To : Lisa Wheezus
Subject : That Summary thingy...

Hey Sweetpants?

You remember last week when you reminded me this week was my turn to do a Survivor summary? And you remember Wednesday night when you reminded me that it was my turn to do a Survivor summary and told me I should record the show and watch it and everything? And you remember when you called me at 7:30PM EST after doing the difficult conversion from weird-ass Arizona time to my time to remind me to do the summary and watch the show and to tape the show? Remember? Well, here's the thing... I forgot to do all that stuff. So, can you help a brother out?

Needingly yours,
Supes

**********************

From : Lisa Wheezy
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 11:10 AM
To : Chris/Supes
Subject : Re: That Summary thingy...

Dear Supes,

I thought you'd never ask. But surely you've seen the previews, you know, the ones that say previously on Survivor, Terry found the shrunken head o' immunity and hid it in his pants, and Cerie got a bit part on Big Mamma's Psychotic Island, right? And then that cute blonde Sally managed to get RuthBob voted out. Hey, do you think I should get hair extensions? Anyway, if you missed that stuff, just pretend like it was so boring you're not even going to mention it. Besides, people who really care about that would have read Dweeze's summary last week, so they already know.

Also? It rains a lot there. You want I should remind you some more about the show you didn't see?

Ever your loving,
Wheeze

PS There was a commercial for something called Jarhead. Now there's a funny word.

*********************
From : Chris/Supes
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 11:26 AM
To : Lisa Wheezus
Subject : Re: That Summary thingy...

Dearest ever lovin' Wheezy,

Jarhead is the funniest word ever! I think people who are Jarheads should be named Mason.

But about the other thing? I was moving and I didn't have any cable or anything. And? I haven't, y'know, watched any of this season or last season for that matter. And? I had the cable company block CBS.

I think you should totally go for the hair extensions. They didn't work for me when I had them, though. They made my dick look smaller.

So, yes. Please remind me of more of that show. And then, maybe summarize it in a funny way and then post it under my username and stuff. Thanks sweetie!

Not at all thinking of you as my bitch,
Supes

************************
From : Lisa Wheezy
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 12:06 PM
To : Chris/Supes
Subject : Re: That Summary thingy...

Dear Bastard Friend Supes,

Well, if you're gonna talk all nice like that, I guess I could help. I'll be glad to post it. Is your password still wheezebemyslavebitch ?

And about your dick...well, it's not the extensions, just sayin'. Anyway, where were we?

Right -- on a tropical island somewhere in the south pacific. Or south of France. Or...or...Underpants! Speaking of underpants, there's about four guys on this show who could use some. And Cerie, who should wear them over her orbeous oobers.

Moving swiftly on, here is some info, because I am sure you are curious about what you are going to write about.

(Why do I get the feeling you haven’t watched this show at all, ever? Oh, I get it! That’s just your angle. Very clever.)

Okay, so there are two tribes.

Casaya, which means little hut in the swamp.

LaMancha, or, the men and woman of.

Casaya is made up of the most complete group of psychotic freaktoids you could ever imagine. Jiffy looked far and wide for this dysfunctional team. But the thing about them is that they win everything. This is just like the Former Steph-and-Bobby-Jon team from that other season, except not.

LaMancha looks like they’ve got it all. They appear to be extremely similar to the Tom-Ian team. Except they don’t have any weird people. They? Should be winning everything. But they don’t.

It's all very confusing and wrong.

Anyway, after a brief stop at LaMancha where everyone loves each other, we find ourselves on Casaya's beach where Miyagi is doing some fine landscaping. Gary, the NOT-NFL-QUARTERBACK from last season, would be proud. Aras is frustrated because for some reason their fires never stay lit, and they can't even really seem to light them. Maybe it has something to do with their swamp hut, maybe not. FWIW, Aras feels the wood is dire straight wood -- one of the most difficult kinds of wood to fight, for a bunch of paladins.

Courtney is working hard on her sexy look. Her dreads are forming nicely, but she could use some pomade, ifyaknowwutimean. Too bad everystinkingbody hates.her.guts. Sean is looking peaked, or piqued, even. Maybe even pocked. But not poked. <----it would look nice if there were some accent e gus there.

Aras is about to blow up at Bruce, but as he says, he's the grown-up. Bruce calls him childish because Aras doesn't appreciate Bruce's rock garden. Can you believe that? Shame on you, Aras. He's an under-appreciator, that bastard. Disrespectin' happens. Then Aras tells Bruce to get him some good wood.

Aras WANTS to go to Exile Island to get away from the freaks.

Next we go to the BEST. REWARD. CHALLENGE. EVER. Complete with fish toss. Are you still with me?

This is starting to sound familiar now, right?

Not calling you stupid,
Wheeze

***********************
From : Chris/Supes
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 1:36 PM
To : Lisa Wheezus
Subject : Re: That Summary thingy...

Dear "stop calling me Shirley" Wheeze,

Bastard is a funny word, too. It always makes me think of fish poop. Well, it makes me think of fish poop more often than I usually do. Anyway, stop being silly. You know that fish don't have toes, so that reward challenge is a total lie.

The extensions did so make me look smaller, but haven't you ever just thought to yourself, "Hey self, wouldn't it be hilarious if I showed up at my next sexcapade with 4 foot long pubes?" Of course you have. It's funny to think things like that. But don't worry, they were not curled. Hey, you know why pubes ARE curly? So they don't poke your eyes out!

Ok, so far I have: Underpants Island, Cerie has has huge tits, Casaya and Lamunchy tribes, Dire Straight wood... Hey, aren't those the guys who sang that shitty "Money for Nothing" song? That ain't working, that's the way we do it! Them guys ain't dumb...or some shit like that? That's pretty funny right there.

Is "appreciating Bruce's rock garden" code?

Your friend in Jeebus,
Supes

P.S. How about sending me some more nudey pictures?

*******************

From : Lisa Wheezy
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 2:15 PM
To : Chris/Supes
Subject : Re: That Summary thingy...

Dear Ennis,

Why o' why can't I quit you?

You're doing great, but now I think I want my MTV.

Reward Challenge

If you thought putting on lipstick with your breasts was impressive, you need to turn off The Breakfast Club and tune in to this challenge, where Cerie uses her breasts as a fish net. "How can a woman catch a 40 pound fish with her breasts?" you scoff. Very, very handily.

Oh NO! I think I feel a treemail coming on (not code).

It’s time to dream, it’s time to wish
For food, but you must first throw fish
Or catch them, careful not to mish--
Hey, I know! Use your boobie dish.

You like ‘em rice, you like ‘em beans
(though granted, you know what THAT means)
but most of all, you like to clean
a fish from Cerie, Boobie Queen.

You’ll throw and catch and if you wail
You won’t be getting more treemail
That’s sure, but wish you had a pail?
Thank God for Cerie’s Oobie Grail.

Once fish are thrown and caught some more
From oobie pail to you on shore
You’ll chop them, heads and tails galore!
Guts and eyes spill on the floor

With one hard chop, you’ll spring the gore
You’ll show those fish you know what-for
You’ll chop and chop and go get more…
Unless you’re Bruce, Karate whore.

Casaya must sit out two members, and Arashole says "the two young girls" will be the ones, which incidentally makes all the women on his team eye the butcher knife that is involved in this challenge. The winners take all their fish, rice and beans back to camp, along with four bottles of wine, a frying pan, and some cooking oil. The losers get to pick either their rice or their beans, and they will also lose someone to Exile Island.

The teams must get in assembly-line fashion, with one person running out to a boat in shallow water to retrieve a bag of rice, a bag of beans, and several large fish, one at a time. The runner must first grab the rice, run back to his special mat, toss the rice to the next person up the line, and so it goes until it reaches the person at the end, who has the very difficult job of tossing it into the appropriately marked bin. Once in place, the runner may go get the beans, then the fish. This plan works great -- man this is so easy! Until we get to the fish. One at a time, the fish are tossed up the line. The last person in line has a big, shiny butcher knife and, once he has the fish in hand, places it on a chopping block. He then must chop off the head and the tail, and put the filet in the appropriate box. There are at least 7 or 8 fish, maybe more.

Casaya, realizing they have it made because of chopping guru Miyagi, jump for joy. When fish number one arrives on the block, Miyagi chops. And chops. And chops.

La Munchum has Terry at the chopping block. He takes off the first fish's head and tail with a few whacks.

Miyagi chops.

La Munchypants gets their next fish.

Miyagi? Chops.

LaMoocha assembly-lines it.

Miyagi? Still chopping like a warrior.

La Koocaracha gets it to Terry, who chops handily.

Miyagi? Finally gets the big head off.

Some switching is done because Miyagi can't chop worth a damn. Silent Bob takes his place at the block and scares the living shit out me, that's how good he is at chopping. Maybe he's a butcher. Bob the Butcher. Thank God his name isn't Sam, or else on visitor's day, we'd have to deal with Alice in her blue dress.

Silent Bob slowly regains the time that Miyagi lost, aided by one particularly slippery fish which Sally from LaMancha can't get her boobs around. Cerie, as you can well imagine, catches the fish with her boobs alone, hands in her pockets and whistling like a sailor.

It all comes down to the last second, and Bob pulls off a victory by chopping both head and tail in one motion. Casaya wins reward.

LaMancha can pick either their rice or beans to take back to camp.
They wisely choose the beans.
Casaya must now choose whom to send to Exile Island.

Jeff: Who are you going to send to Exile Island?

Aras: Pick Me! Pick Me!

Jeff: Loser.

The rest of the psychos choose Terry. Out of respect, they say. Right. So off goes Terry, to try and find the shrunken head again.

Casaya grabs their goods and heads back to their swamp. The standing water is up to the hut and it's pouring rain. Good thing they kept some wood dry in the outhouse, so they can cook their fish, right? Heck no, not after Silent Bob so rudely took a dump in there. The can't have their wood flavored with shit-smell -- that would be horrid.

They eat it raw. Cerie pictures herself contracting some weird disease. Courtney makes fun of Cerie, who has never eaten sushi before.

"What???? You've never eaten sushi????" screeches Courtney.

"Excuse me," laughs Cerie.

"No, I'm just...shocked...and awed...that you've never eaten sushi, because I eat it all the time," replies Courtney. Which means, "girl, maybe if you ate some raw fish once in a while, you wouldn't be so damn fat. You'd be just like me, which is what everyone should be."

Aras lectures the camera peeps on sushimi, or sushi. And they start in on the wine.

Wine, wine, wine in the rain.

Tiny bubbles in the wine makes them happy, makes them feel fine. For an hour or three.

Back at LaMancha, they have fire, and they cook beans. Lots and lots of beans. Too many beans for Nick, too many beans for Austin. But they just kept eating them. Until they overflowed.

So Nick and Austin puked and squirted throughout the night. Dan, lying comfortably full, watching the sickies, and feeling fine himself, offers the helpful suggestion that maybe they didn't cook them enough. Nick manages to be funny in this difficult time, saying "you guys do NOT want to know the details of that experience," and "gastro-intestinal details should probably not be discussed at this time."

So, Superpants, do you want to guess what is happening over at Casaya in the outhouse with the wine? (no, not a game of Clue)

Fondlingly,
Cowboy Jack.

PS The Jeebus was supposed to forward those nudey pics on to you when he was done with 'em.

**********************
From : Chris/Supes
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 3:31 PM
To : Lisa Wheezus
Subject : Re: That Summary thingy...

Dear Rosco aka. Cowboy Jack,

Some people say that The Dukes of Hazzard was a good show because of the religous references, like when Uncle Jesse would get on the C.B. and yell, "Shepard to lost sheep! Shepard to lost sheep!" but I'm thinking that any show with characters named Ennis and Cooter negates the religous aspects with extreme sexual inneuendo. And? The word innuendo makes me think of Menudo and then I remember the poster of them that I had in my room...last year. You can't quit me because of the contract I have between me, you, and a man I like to call Satan (Landru).

I do have a few questions: Was the breakfast club that movie about Tony the tiger and that Count Chocula guy and the Trix rabbit and some other guys sitting around talking about how shitty their parents were? Because that was a great movie. Remember the part where Tony was giving that Lucky Charms guy a cigarette and he said, "Go ahead. Try one. Theyyyyy're Great!"?

Oh? And also? I'd like to know if Cerie could use her breasts to put lipstick on a fish. That would be impressive, it would.

Ok, so if I had to guess what was going on in the outhouse, I'd have to wager that Mr. Myagi and Bob the Butcher were Brokebacking in there with the last bottle of wine. Myagi has his right leg cocked over his head and his left leg knee deep in sewage. And boy are the others mad when they find out how they popped that cork!

Tell me more, ok?

Your man-whore until the end,
Supes

P.S. Ehh...I get get kinda freaked out using the pictures after Jeebus gets done with them. They're always so sticky like he's got holes in his hands or something.

********************
From : Lisa Wheezy
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 3:42 PM
To : Chris/Supes
Subject : Re: That Summary thingy...

Ponch,

Yep, you are right, it’s Miyagi and Silent Bob, hanging out in the outhouse with the last bottle of wine. Because the others ‘stole’ their places in the shelter, you know. Those bastards. After they Brokeback, they make a drunken pact: “I’ll never quit you out. Ever,” says Miyagi. We don’t know what else went on in there the rest of the night, and we don’t want to know. What we do know is that when Cerie wakes up, she goes looking for them, and Miyagi is doubled over, sleeping across the pot hole with an empty bottle in his hand, and Bob has gone and went missing.

Morning comes and of course the rest of the psychos are mad. It’s in their very nature. Bobdog ‘fesses up, and says he regrets it, exept he doesn’t regret it for Courtney, because she is one of the two or three most annoying persons in the history of the world, he confesses.

In fact, Courtney is extremely intelligent, as one can plainly see by her confessionals. “We all worked really hard for that, an’ uh, wine out here is like, super-special…”

Our camera pans over to Exile Island, where Terry is living it up. He finds food and drinks from a coconut-type fruit thingy. Exile Island is a misnomer these days. Terry’s got his fire going, and he spends his time worrying about his tribe mates, hoping they have plenty of water and food so they can stay strong. But Terry? He’s thrilled to be alone.

On to LaMancha, where…

Okay, are you sitting down? Sit down.

…Dan and Sally announce to Nick and Austin that…

Are you sure you’re sitting down?

…they have treemail.

It comes in a little cardboard piece of crap looking coffin, like the ones my kids made at summer camp. (What, your kids don’t make coffins at camp? What are you, afraid of death or something? At Camp Jesus, you don’t have to be afraid.)

It goes a little like this:
Tie a rock around your head
Jump in the water, prepare to be dead.
And just when you think your lungs will burst
You’ll hit your head on the bottom of the boat and die of embarrassment.

At the bottom of the sea
Are some coffins plain as can be
You’ll untie them and retrieve a skull
Unless you’re really bad at untying knots, in which case you should have sat out.

Then, the mummies erupt into a chorus as they dance and jump over Ariel’s canoe paddles:

Under the sea
Under the sea
Everything’s deader
Down where it’s wetter
Take it from me!

Down here we lie around all we can
And feast on some great crust-a-ce-an
Down where it’s deader
You know it’s better
Under the sea.

Immediately we go to the immunity challenge, where Terry returns looking like he just came back from a spa retreat. For some odd reason, Jeff doesn’t ask him if he found the immunity idol. This suspicious behavior has got to stop.

Immunity Challenge

Each team will appoint three people to take their boat out and locate coffins on the ocean floor. Each coffin contains skull puzzle pieces. Survivors must untie the rope that holds the coffin shut, and once they have the coffin open, they must get inside and hide for, oh, 30 minutes or so. Once everybody’s good and dead, the remaining team members eat Bruce, and no, Sheila ain’t around to watch.

Okay, really they untie the coffins, then untie the skull puzzle piece inside and chuck it into the boat. When they have all the pieces, they paddle back and make a pyramid out of the skulls, but there’s only one right way to do it.

This challenge is boring. Casaya sits out Cerie and Bruce. Don’t they know that it’ll only be more difficult to kill Bruce that way? Hopefully they will kill Courtney instead.

They are neck and neck on the second coffin when Dan cracks his head open because he didn’t watch where he was going. One might think an astronaut might understand the concept of weightlessness, and that, when floating upward, one should always watch where one is going.

The best part of the challenge is when Bruce yells, “Come on, Casaya, Bonsai!” First a rock garden, now those scary little trees…what will he think of next – sushi?? Catching a fly with chopsticks? He’s nutty. I’d like to see him on Dukes of Hazzard.

LaMuchas is first to shore with their puzzle pieces. Sally and Austin work on it while on the other side, Cerie works her cornrows in frustration. Or maybe she has dandruff. Eventually Casaya has their four pieces and they get started on the puzzle. LaMuckyuck’s Sally and Austin jumble the pieces up like they’re crumbling a piece of paper, and ask, hopeful-like, “Is this it?”

Finally, finally, finally, LaMorde does it, tops the puzzle with the gold skull of doom, and there is much rejoicing in the land.

And, come to think of it, I don’t think Ennis was in Dukes of Hazzard. You’re thinking of Cletus. Or Flash, maybe.

We had a dog named Flash once. He drank poison water and died. Isn’t that terrible? I bet you feel pretty bad making me think about that after all I’ve done for you.

I don’t even want to know what ‘Cletus’ makes you think of,

John.

**************
From : Chris/Supes
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 4:41 PM
To : Lisa Wheezus
Subject : Re: That Summary thingy...

Detective Tubbs,

It doesn't seem right for Mr. Miyagi to say, "I'll never quit you out. Ever." Can I make him say, "Wrong! Honk!" and grab Bob's weiner and squeeze it? It just seems more appropriate.

Also, I need some clarification on one of the most annoying people in the world. I've narrowed it down to Courtney and Tom Cruise's baby, but I can't figure out the third. Is it Andy Dick? And would Andy Dick look smaller with hair extensions?

Also, this Exile Island thing is wigging me out. Is the guy voted off? Because they voted, right? But he's still on the show? Is it the Jury or something?

I'd totally feel bad about your Flash if'n I didn't already know that you were the one that fed him the poison water. Cletus makes me think of poisoned dogs now. Thanks for that.

Love and kisses,

Clitus
*************************

From : Lisa Wheezy
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 5:01 PM
To : Chris/Supes
Subject : Re: That Summary thingy...

Okay Sonny,

The Exile Island is a place where you have to go to be punished, except that secretly? It's as great as Chuck E. Cheese.

On with the show.

Well, shit happens, doesn’t it Shane. Yassssss, back at Casaya, the most bizarre foursome and Cerie hang together by the fire and talk about voting off Bruce. Aras wants Bruce gone, because they can’t control him. I’m wondering what kind of controlling they want to do with Bruce. Sean-n-them want to get rid of Bob, but Aras talks them out of it.

I want them to get rid of Courtney. They should get rid of Courtney. They need Bruce to feed them and Bob for challenges. There’s not much chance either of them will make it to the end anyway. So Shane tells Bob that they’re all going to vote Bruce out, and once.again.Sean swears on his son’s life that he not only won’t vote Bob out, but also that he will get Bob to 6th. What a moron.

Since when does anybody do that, and take it seriously? What is WRONG with that Sean? He is a strange, veryverystrange man. Before you know it, the three women have changed their minds. They really just want to get rid of Bob. Shane throws a hissy, and yells at who else but Courtney. Shane thinks everybody else is nuts.

These people are worrying about the merge.too.early. Cerie, however, is rejoicing secretly that they’re not voting her. For a loud person, she’s doing a pretty fine job playing under the radar. I gotta give her props.

Meanwhile, Miyagi freaks out because Courtney is touching his stuff. Yes, she’s doing yoga in his rock garden. The nerve.

And it’s off to tribal council.

Jeff: Shane, you guys sure fight a lot. What’s that all about?

Shane: We are the dysfunctional, functional group. We can’t stand each other, but our hatred for each other fuels our muscles in such a way that we win challenges. Make sense?

Jeff: So how’s your shelter out there in swamp land?

Miyagi: I slept in the outhouse.

Whatsherface: With a bottle of wine.

Jeff: (feigns surprise)

The incident is laid out on the table. Bob admits that it wasn’t okay to take the wine. Jeff spanks Bob and Miyagi, shaming Miyagi into apologizing, and Jeff says ‘onus’. Heh heh.

Jeff: Bruce, doesn’t anybody appreciate you for all the amazing, fine things you do?

Miyagi: They would be dead without me. I am their savior. I can’t believe my people would question me.

Aras: We are NOT YOUR PEOPLE. We are your tribe, you fucking asshole, and you can’t expect us all to obey you.

Whatshername: I understand how Miyagi can feel like he doesn’t get the respect he deserves. He’s older and wiser.

Miyagi: (apologizes, says he will clear up disagreements sooner, and starts a group hug) And that’s a promise! He adds.

And we have the idol chatter, then go to vote.

Whatsherface votes Bobby because he’s egotistical and selfish.
Aras votes Bruce
Shane whispers something about a throw-away vote. Hopefully it wasn’t for someone he swore on his son’s life to protect, or his son? Toast.

The votes are revealed:

Courtney
Bruce
Bobby
Aras
Bruce
Bobby
Bobby

And, Bobby’s gone, Aras’ face turns ashen, and Shane gives Jeff an incredulous look when Jeff opines: Maybe everything will be all better now that you talked things over. Bwa ha ha ha!

Bobby’s family moment is one of the best ones ever (not that it takes much to be the best in this category). His daddy sez something I can’t understand for the life of me, even after playing it over and over, but it sounds like: Hey bubba, we need ya and forty-four dog.

His brother sez: It isn’t the same without you around
So hurry on back so we can get down.

Then the dad does a big ol’ ‘ta-da!’ with his arms.

Next week on Survivor: Courtney wants to cut off Shane’s balls, and LaMancha hits rock bottom. A big twist could mean salvation for one, Sally has hairy pits, and be prepared for yet another tribal council like never before.

Bobby says being around those people makes him want to throw up, and he’s glad he gets to be Mr. BobDog again.

(Supes, please tell me this is all coming back to you now, or people aren’t going to believe you really watched this and wrote the summary your ownself)

xox

your Wheezy, who is giving you a sweater.

*******************

From : Chris/Supes
Sent : Monday, March 6, 2006 9:42 PM
To : Lisa Wheezus Subject :
Re: That Summary thingy...


Dearest sweater giver,

No.Way! A real sweater?! With love in every stitch?! That would be so, friggin', sweet! I'd go all Bill Cosby on you!

And don't worry. I think I remember watching some of it now. I'll throw in some stuff about the big, naked, gay guy and everyone will roll.

Besides, they'll believe whatever we tell 'em to, right?

Your soon-to-be-sweatered,

Supes.  ¶ 7:22 PM