Survivor Panama: Asshole Island Episode One: We Love You, We Need You, Now Die
By TeamJoisey

Survivor Panama: Asshole Island opens with an overhead shot of swirling vultures. There are dozens of these vicious carnivores anticipating the opportunity to swoop down and rip the juicy flesh off rotting carcasses strewn far beneath them.

After all these years of being bludgeoned with Snake/Rat/Spider/Shark contestant imagery, it was nice to see the producers finally pay a little homage to the humble summary writers. Thanks guys. The gesture means a lot to us here at Survive This.


Okay.
Thursday night at 8 p.m. Survivor 6,012.
The ritual begins anew. I hear Jeff Probst.
And where are we this time?

Damn. Panama. Again.

No one will mention the show is back in the Pearl Islands for a third time. That would be admitting this tired wreck of a production has run out of locations, or that they’ve settled on one favorite spot conveniently located near the world's major opium producers. But we all know where they are. We can still see Rupert's submerged beach cabana, and Nasal Nazi Christa Hastie’s transparent underwear is hanging from the trees. Hell, Andrew Savage may be lurking nearby.

Yeah, they've been to Panama before, most recently for the lamentable ASS edition won by Amber, she of the not so lamentable ass. But mark my words, this time – THIS TIME – will be special, because this time - THIS TIME - they've found a godforsaken little rock that becomes nearly submerged at high tide. And they've marked it with a Hideous Halloween Parade Float sitting out on a cliff.

This is Asshole Island.
I know, because Jeff Probst is standing there.

Jeff begins to explain this season's gimmick big twist. Each week, some yahoo will be banished to this here Asshole Island to fend for themselves. At the same time their tribemates will convene back at camp to conspire over the exile’s assassination. And the loser will look for a secret hidden something that almost guarantees victory. (Immediately I suspect Stephenie is off camera, ready to sit in the final two.)

Evil Pecker Mark Burnett and his producer guys are always full of ideas. Bad ideas, but ideas nonetheless. Bring eliminated players back from the dead, bring previous contestants back so they wish they were dead, bring back the same tired challenges we've seen for 11 seasons, bring back Jeff Probst and that damn blue shirt. Somebody put a bullet in this franchise, and please make sure it stays dead.

We see four boats streaming toward this here Asshole Island, each with four passengers. They disembark and begin to join Jeff, who climbs atop the Hideous Halloween Parade Float for the fabulously exciting zoom-out shot that kicks off the opening credits.

Oh dear God. I’m bored already.

While Evil Pecker Mark Burnett provides a small glimpse at each of our 16 vagabonds, I'm here to give you a better understanding of why each should be hurled into a bonfire at the earliest possible convenience. And I should warn you, a lot of these elements are going to seem awfully familiar...


Perhaps the world's whitest man, New Englander Dan Barry has accomplished everything life has to offer except total humiliation. For that, he roots for the Red Sox. Dan earned a master’s degree and a doctorate at Princeton. He builds robots for his own company. He’s got five patents, and 50 published scientific papers. He’s been an assistant professor. He’s a 52-year-old former astronaut who flew on the only three missions in which the space shuttle failed to disintegrate. He’s been on four space walks. Asshole Island probably won’t scare him as much as say, Courtney’s hair. He’s brilliant, he’s athletic, he’s charming and disarming. There’s nothing to dislike about this guy. I hate that about him.

On the other hand, this guy just might be the biggest asshole in the history of the show. Shane Powers smokes three packs of cigarettes and drinks 15 cups of espresso each day. Here in Panama, he'll be in sweaty detox by day two, and a raving lunatic in Loser Lodge for the final 30 days. For some reason this 35-year-old jerk can't stop touching himself. He describes himself as witty, outgoing and funny. Yeah, he's both witty and funny. He was born in Omaha, but they ran him out of the state when he graduated high school. Now he lives in Los Angeles, where he owns a entertainment marketing company. What is that, you ask? It means he spends most of his day screwing around, and half an hour leeching off famous people with actual skills. But the real evidence this guy is an asshole? He named his son Boston. Yeah baby, Boston Powers. Did I mention he thinks he's both witty and funny? Did I mention he's an asshole? Does that mean he'll win? Is it OK if I hope they actually kill him instead?

Kesuke Miyagi is a handyman and karate instructor in Southern California best known for the day NooJoisey native Daniel Russo defeated a screaming thug from Cobra Kai with that ludicrous "crane" move - thus necessitating two other hideous movies. Before he gained the ability to cure debilitating injuries with his bare hands, Mr. Miyagi ran a Milwaukee hamburger restaurant. He is currently in the Old Actors Protection Program as Bruce Kanegai, a high school art teacher who also trains Los Angeles police officers in those effective "arrest and control techniques." Miyagi-san backpacked across Oregon and survived a rattlesnake bite. At 58, he's the oldest competitor on the show, and damn, he just won't shut up. Wax off, dude!

Our next contestant is a Joisey boy. But don’t think of him as a Joisey scumbag, unless you are one of those terrist-sympathizing Democraps who won’t support the troops. Terry Deitz is a former F-14 fighter pilot right out of Top Gun, a four-year varsity baseball player at the Naval Academy, a weapons specialist and later a pilot for American Airlines. At 46, he is retired from the military and living in Connecticut with a wife and two kids. Rudy Boesch: twenty years younger. Terry’s got that graying at the temples that somehow signifies wisdom, a big gap-toothed smile that somehow signifies trustworthiness, and he’ll probably kick ass in any physical challenge. I dream of the day ol' Terry goes Rambo on that nauseating creep Shane. Handsome heroic Terry Deitz is one good alliance away from the final four. He just needs to find his Ian - and there’s never a shortage of easily manipulated idiots on this show.


Social worker Sally Schumann can't take a hint. She applied for Survivor five times before she got on the show. Maybe that's because the first four times she was a dull married blonde soccer coach from Buffalo, Minnesota, ya betcha. Now she's a 27-year-old hot blonde divorcee and social worker in viewer-laden Chicago. Another college athlete, she has recently taken up marathon running. I understand she's also taken up oral sex with casting agents and/or vain aging television game show hosts. Sally's greatest passion is photography, with or without clothing. She's a Survivor fanatic, and says she knows all the strategies that work. Start laughing at her now. And she's got big ol' movie-screen teeth. Is Crest sponsoring this show?

Danielle DiLorenzo is a former gymnast who suffered a career-ending injury as Division I soccer player. She’s also worked as a model. She grew up in Massachusetts, where she became addicted to the Boston Red Sox. Right now she’s working in “medical sales” in South Florida, a job that may or may not involve swallowing condoms full of cocaine in a Bogota airport. JiffyProbst says she was “cocky” in casting. Or maybe that was his pants. Danielle, 24, says she is very strong minded and driven. She also claims she’s got a lot of personality. She must be working hard to contain herself. All I see so far is a ditz with “medical sales” teeth and some big ol’ “medical sales” boobs. But hey, that almost worked for Heidi.

Sideshow Barbie Courtney Marit is a certifiable weirdo. Formerly an elite gymnast, she now combs her hair once a decade, and makes a living as a performance artist in Los Angeles. She's billed on the show as a Fire Dancer. Uh-huh. She's worked alongside the pretentious French whores of Cirque du Soleil, and promises to provide "a good time." I think that means she'll strip and put her ankles behind her neck for about $40. In her 31 years she's walked the deserts of Chile, hitchhiked across Mexico, surfed in Costa Rica, lived in caves in India, run a marathon in Honolulu, yachted across the Atlantic... but she's doing this stupid television show for "the adventure." Like everyone else in Los Angeles, she is currently single and working on her first screenplay. In about six days she's going to be the world's largest freckle.

Lithe, curvaceous 24-year-old Misty Giles may look like a former Miss Texas Teen. She may look like a former Venus Swimwear model. She may look bubbly and perky and sexy, and perhaps like me you want to cave in her perfect goddamn teeth. But wait! She’s got a degree in engineering and works as a rocket scientist. She’s intelligent and articulate. She mentors young girls and gives motivational seminars. She’s from a military family, so she’s learned to make new friends quickly. She’s into kickboxing. And we have this in common: Her favorite magazine is the Victoria’s Secret Catalogue. But is she looking at the clothes, or the models?


Religious nut Austin Carty is a 24-year-old "author" from High Point, North Carolina who played soccer at fundamentalist, zealot-ridden Liberty University. He also expects to play a morally pure game. His weepy self-published first novel, Somewhere Beyond Here, is currently Number 447,265 on the Amazon.com Best Seller list (no lie). He stole the title (no lie) from Fievel the cartoon mouse. Austin is nearly that tall. This actor-wannabe makes ends meet by modeling for Hanes underwear and John Deere tractors. He also (surprise!) tends bar. He likes walks on the beach, he likes hikes in the woods, he likes deep romantic threesomes with slutty college barflies. His blonde little sister is a beauty pageant whorelet, which makes this guy a barely grown Burke Ramsay with an ignorant redneck streak.

The Bob Dawg, a.k.a. Bobby Mason, 32, grew up on the rough streets of South Central Los Angeles, so expect him to bond immediately with all the other Crips out here. When the Bob Dawg was younger, three of his close friends died after being unexpectedly perforated by small caliber arms. Luckily the Bob Dawg’s steroid-enhanced physique is virtually impenetrable. He’s buff, he’s bold, he’s beautiful and he's here to kick ass. He listens to rap music, his favorite actors are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. He refers to himself as a third party called The Bob Dawg - a clear sign the guy is a sociopath. And somehow, like some bad UPN-TV drama, The Bob Dawg got a Stanford law degree which he uses to fight da man on behalf of the righteous dudes stuck on the gritty streets. He is so annoying the other players are sure to euthanize The Bob Dawg long before the jury convenes.

Nick Stanbury is a pathetic wastrel who wants to be on Survivor so he can learn about himself, and so he can meet beautiful women. Particularly those who haven’t seen soap or a toothbrush for 39 days. He grew up in Wyoming, failed at Montana State University, moved to Arizona State and eventually got a degree in supply chain management. This clueless bastard currently works in radio sales, using that “supply chain” degree when yelling “Hey Julio, do we have any more of those Sanyos in the back room?” He is 25, and yet his favorite cereal is Fruity Pebbles, his favorite actresses are Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. His favorite sport is masturbation and his computer is full of naked pictures of underage girls. OK, I’m guessing on that. But dood, you say you are here to meet women. Ashley Olsen? Is Lindsay Lohan too mature?

Aras Baskauskas is a 24-year-old yoga instructor from Santa Monica who played NCAA Division I college basketball while earning his MBA at UC Irvine. He then went on to play professional basketball in Lithuania, and opened a donation-based yoga studio in South Africa. Like, um... nice use of an education, dood. His hobbies include meditation and surfing. He eats granola, bananas and oatmeal raisin cookies, drinks orange juice without alcohol. This loser hit almost every SoCal stereotype except bartender/actor/underwear model. So he went on Survivor instead, determined to play an honorable game according to his yoga principles. He doesn't deserve to be here, so the annoying shit will probably knife them all in the back and win.


You would think being crowned the 1978 South Carolina Watermelon Queen would be enough attention to last a lifetime. You wouldn’t be Ruth Marie Milliman, who also earned a degree in criminal justice, served as a narcotics agent, worked as a flight attendant, and served as a page in the South Carolina House of Reprobates Representatives. She is also an accomplished distance runner. And what has this 48-year-old multi-talented former college cheerleader and Elvis fanatic made of herself? She leases commercial real estate and attends PTA meetings while raising two teenagers and a mouthful of huge white teeth. She annoys me. And listen, you Tina-wannabe, can you pick one damn name? What is with Southerners and this BobbyJonBoyBillyJackBettySueBobbiJo crapola? Doesn't anybody name their daughter Kim anymore?

Joiseyan Cirie Fields was born and raised in Jersey City, and currently works as an operating room nurse in South Carolina. Before that she worked in a candy factory and as a telemarketer - valuable medical experience indeed. Cirie hopes her huge, um... personality, her big smile and that fun attitude will help her win the million bucks. Uh huh. They always give the money to Miss Congeniality. This 35-year-old effervescent loon can't be too smart, because she worked hard to lose 30 pounds before she went on Survivor. Lucky for her she can still stand to lose a teensy bit more. At least Cirie can swim. Or so she says. She's certainly got the pontoons.

Tennessee gives us 32-year-old dinner theater performer Melinda Hyder, quite possibly the least prepared Survivor contestant ever. Her hobbies include home decorating, watching soap operas and collecting Marilyn Monroe memorabilia. She does not play competitive sports of any kind. She reads Us Weekly. She's got big acrylic fingernails. She’s an over the hill perky little pageant girl who has yet to grow up. In other words, she’s a time bomb of “I didn’t know it would be this hard” poised to start throwing up in the weeds. Smiling on day one, sobbing by day five. And sweet Baby Jesus, what is with all these damn teeth? Kill her. Kill her now.

If you need a woman who can swing an axe (and who doesn't?) then you need "Timber" Tina Scheer, who leads a competitive team of female lumberjacks... 'cuze me, lumberjills. She grew up in the woods of northern Wisconsin where she learned log rolling at age seven. She is now 45 and admits she is still most comfortable outdoors "riding a log." She likes the Green Bay Packers and Guinness beer... she's sorta like Sue Hawk with skills. And breasts. Tina was originally selected to compete in Guatemala, but her only child, 16-year-old Charlie, was killed in a car accident a week before filming began. She was given a spot here instead. She says she's playing for Charlie. Expect some weepy moments, but no family visit.

When we return from the ooh-aah, oowee-oowee opening credits, Jeff invites the 16 grinning imbeciles onto four mats and explains that they’ve been divided into four tribes by gender and age. Bulbous Cirie is upset to find out she’s considered “older.” Austin is unhappy he can’t openly flirt with the Tribe of Heidis. Courtney gives him a wink anyway. Bobby Bob Dawg delineates the four tribes as the Young Beefcake Tribe, of which he proclaims himself charter member and president; the Love Boat Crowd of old guys; the Golden Girls group of old ladies; and the Spice Girls.

Jeff continues to blather, explaining Asshole Island, and then springs the first reward challenge. Cut to confessional, where Danielle brags about how good she will be in challenges. Yeah, OK. We see this coming.

The challenge is simple, and involves ritual desecration of a mass grave. One tribe member sprints to the other end of Asshole Island where there is a cluster of skulls. Smashing them one at a time, they must retrieve an amulet hidden in one of the skulls. The first three back win their tribe a flint to start fire. The losing tribe will choose one person to strand on Asshole Island.

The tribemates introduce themselves to each other, and select their representative. Team Robb picks Austin, Team Rudy picks Terry, Team Scout picks Ruth-Marie and Team Heidi picks Danielle. Of course.

The first challenge begins, and Danielle sprints ahead of the others. Austin falls on his face. They all get skull at the same time and start getting smashed. Terry finishes first. Austin finishes second. Tensions mount. Tina is already badmouthing Ruth-Marie’s performance, which she cannot even see. “She’s not a smasher,” says Timber Tina, who has known Ruth-Marie for all of 26 seconds. Lots of waiting.
Finally, Ruth-Marie runs up with the final amulet. Danielle arrives to teary-eyed but supportive teammates, who begin looking for a place to stick the knife.

Jeff distributes the flints, and then asks the young women to choose an exile. Danielle volunteers, but the other women decide that’s not really fair. It's intelligent and good gamesmanship and logical, but not really fair if it hurts someone's feelings. They play rock-paper-scissors until Misty loses. I would have enjoyed it more with actual rocks and scissors.

Finally Jeff explains the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol, which can be used at any time through the Final Four. No, not the NCAA Tournament.

If one of them finds the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol, they can use it to save themselves at Tribal Council, even after the votes have been tallied. If they do, the person with the second highest number of votes goes home. Jeff promises to give them clues to the idols location as the game goes on, and gives each group a map and sends them on their way. He tells Misty she has a machete and undrinkable water. She “also has a lot of time to think about why fate chose you to be the first one out here which is also why immunity is already so important.” Then he tells her he’s given her the first clue, and he leaves.

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The show resumes, and we are shown each group being ferried to their island. What, no canoes? Misty stands forlornly on Asshole Point, and begins her search for the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol in the water. She then begins to consider Jeff's "clue," mistakenly believing he said "fate left you behind." She interprets this as a clue that means the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol was behind her at that point. For a rocket scientist, this is not a smart girl. She begins poking through the ground behind where she had been standing.

Team Scout has arrived at their beach. Cirie is distressed by the machete, fearing they might have to clear an area, thus exposing bugs and stuff. This is not a good sign for my Joisey Girl. Luckily for Cirie, Team Scout goes straight to work building a fire. And Timber Tina, the lifelong outdoorswoman, quickly starts a huge fire while singing Disco Inferno. Once the fire has been built up, TimberTina begins singing Kumbaya. Does she know what happened to Wanda? Next they build a fairly credible shelter, with TimberTina leading the way. After this TimberTina finds their water source. That TimberTina, she sure seems essential.

While they are working, Cirie is picking up leaves for bedding. Yes, leaves... the sort of which fall from New Jersey trees with some regularity, particularly in autumn. For some irrational reason, Cirie mutters that she hates leaves.

Yes, she hates leaves. To me this was no surprise, because girlfriend here hasn't been anywhere near a salad in 20 years. But Tina questions her on this. Cirie is actually afraid of things that might be under the leaves. Because, ya know, there were never any bugs in the slums of Jersey City. Well, there were bugs. There just weren't any leaves.

Tina provides the question every viewer is asking themselves: “Did anyone tell her what show she was going on? I’m thinking those leaves are the least of your problem, honey.”

Over at Viveros, most of Team Robb is playing baseball on the beach with coconuts. Never mind that fire, or water or shelter crap - watch me smack this coconut into the woods.
Basketball-lovin' yoga instructor Aras is disturbed by this lack of serious effort to improve the karma. He summons utterly useless Nick and the author/hobbit Austin together and performs a few Jedi mind tricks. Somehow this Dali Lloser convinces the other two asswipes to place their hands in some mystical layer cake, as if waiting for a Zen baseball bat to appear. They actually stand like this for several minutes, concentrating on the idea of fire, as if it will spring from their hands.
Mystical Aras is urging them on, pleading with them to "feel the energy." Oddly enough, he’s also staring at Austin and licking his lips. Maybe they ought to be concentrating on water, maybe Aras needs a cold shower. And maybe Austin ought to sleep in all his clothes.

Bob Dawg is standing off to the side looking at them like the crazy white boys they are. Nick later confesses that Aras has a lot of hair-brained ideas. Strangely, this one seems to have worked, because Nick and Austin feel so absolutely stupid they agree to start building a fire. Badly. The Jedi mind trick hand pyramid of flames was brilliant compared to what we see next.

If I knew how, I'd stick a poll right here.

Which is stupider?
1. Trying to build fire inside a cramped cooking pot, which you will need for water.
2. Trying to start a fire by tightly holding a small flint in one hand while repeatedly and wildly swinging a razor-sharp two-foot machete at the flint.
3. Kneeling next to the first moron, so that your face is millimeters away from the potential flames, the continuously sparking flint... and the wildly swinging, uncontrollable razor-sharp two-foot machete.
4. Continuing to watch this show.

Somehow, this remarkable attempt fails to produce either blood or flames. Austin is puzzled. He wants to know if there is some essential component of fire-building they might be missing. The obvious answer: They are missing the brain God gave Neanderthal man. Austin admits they don’t have a clue what they are doing, and their shelter is just terrible. Fourth-graders could have done better. The cast of LOST could have done better. Hell, RUPERT could have done better. Nick is unconcerned, saying "Let's just hope it doesn’t rain." No worries Nick, it hardly ever rains on a goddamn tropical island.


Team Robb’s completely pathetic attempts at shelter actually look good once we see what Team Heidi is doing. Or not doing. Courtney, Danielle and Sally are wandering around the woods, shopping all the possible locations for a shelter like they were picking shoes for the prom. At least four times someone says, “We should keep looking, don’t you think?” Uh, no. And honey, no one's thinking. That would hurt too much.

As they wander around the beach, they come across a dead sea turtle, and Courtney goes certifiably batty. She declared it "really weird," and encircles the rotting carcass with a heart drawn in the sand. She begins decorating with seashells. Courtney declares the turtle a symbol of Mother Earth. Danielle and Sally stand back about 30 feet looking at her like she is insane. Sally later confesses “to me it’s just a turtle.” Courtney says she wants to wait for high tide, and roll the turtle back into the ocean. Danielle looks repulsed. In confessional she says Courtney over-dramatizes things, but we really know she just didn't want to get any closer to that creepy thing on the beach. Or the turtle, either.

Courtney: “Oh my God, it freaks me out man.”


Our first three inept tribes are put to shame by Team Rudy. Mr. Miyagi is splitting trees with the power of his mind and a few Belushi Samurai Chops. The build a fire that can be seen from space. They’ve begun to boil enough water to bath Cirie. They’ve accumulated enough bamboo stalks to build a Best Western.

We’re ready for our first indestructible alliance, forged with the blatant lie of “I’ll never lie to you.” AstroDan the Whitest Man says to Top Gun Terry, “Can I trust you?”

Now, has anyone ever answered that question honestly? “No, ya moron. I'm here to crush you. But I'll let you believe any damn thing you want as long as you vote the way I tell you.”

Still, the heroic astronaut scientist and the heroic fighter pilot shake hands, promising never to lie. Then they each reveal they've been lying about their secret identities. I love an alliance built on honesty.

We cut back to Team Rudy, currently building the Best Western's eastern ballroom. Mr. Miyagi, Dan and Terry are working hard. Shane is complaining about being eaten by bugs. Mr. Miyagi is shouting instructions. Shane is complaining about not fitting in with the older guys who just want to work all the time. He’s gone 31 hours without a cigarette, and he’s getting cranky. He storms out of the surf and lectures AstroDan about how capable they all are, which is Survivor code for "I could do all this shit too if I wanted, but right now I need to be a lazy douchebag.” Dan’s reponse: “You betcha.”

Meanwhile, somwhere down the beach, Mr. Miyagi is frantically signaling for Shane to fetch him the machete. Shane calls him "Daffy Duck." If we didn't hate Shane before, we must hate him now. No one dare insult Miyagi-san. Shane sits around. Shane moans some more about detox. Shane reminds himself not to lash out. Meanwhile Mr. Miyagi is directly behind him, playing Samurai Coconut while the others cheer him on.

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It is night one on Asshole Island, and Misty is in the dark, watching a thunderstorm. She is completely and utterly alone, except for the nine crew members.

When dawn breaks, she complains that she’s tired, hungry and thirsty. She digs up a worm and gulps it down with a shrug, saying “It’s protein.” A quick cut to a shot of a snake is there to remind us how much protein Misty had to gulp to get on this damn show. And she loves the taste. Of the worm, I mean. The dirty worm. Anyway, she resumes the search for the immunity idol in the leaves on the ground, cooking up the brilliant strategy of lying to her teammates to let them believe that she actually found the stupid thing. This way, she can quickly reveal her true backstabbing biotch nature.

Immunity challenge.

Each of the four tribes approaches on foot along the beach. Misty joins them, and drops hints that she found the idol. Some folks might actually believe her. In either case, she is immediately marked as trouble. Brilliant strategy.

At this point Jeff reveals the Immunity Idol, essentially three skulls skewered on an elaborately decorated stick. Desecration of a mass grave seems to be the theme this season - we have the Immunity Kebob to really insult the natives.

Jeff promises the first three tribes to finish the challenge will get a little head. He seems particularly interested in the idea of three heads that slide up and down on a single stick. Eventually he describes the challenge, which is much like the first challenge in the first thousand versions of the show. Start on a dock, climb a barrier, swim to the raft, unclip the underwater hook, row the raft to shore, run up the beach and solve a ring/rope puzzle. Instructions to solve the puzzle are buried in the sand. Once the ring is free of the rope, use the ring to snag a grappling hook and pull the hook, releasing the flag. Where's the damn pirate cannons??

The challenge begins, and Team Scout immediately fall behind trying to scale the barrier. Team Rudy takes the lead, with Team Heidi nice behind, uh, right behind. Meanwhile Team Scout can’t get their raft untethered, but they’ve certainly managed to get Cirie’s tremendous flailing breasts untethered. She spends the rest of the challenge smacking the camera with uncontrollable boobage.

Team Rudy paddles into their lane marker and gets snagged. Team Heidi takes the lead. Team Scout releases their boat. Team Robb’s Utterly Useless Nick can’t get the raft unhooked. Aras dives in to take his place, and unhooks it on the first try, using the powerful yoga technique of opening the clip. Meanwhile Team Scout starts paddling. Inexplicably, Jeffy shouts “Older Women have it going on.” Julie Berry storms off the set.

Team Heidi hits the beach first, and go for the brain teaser. Uh-oh. Team Rudy is right behind. Both of these tribes have two people digging for the instructions while two others attempt the puzzle. Team Scout arrives. Three of them dig furiously... while Melinda stands and watches. Team Heidi finds the diagram. Team Robb straggles on to the beach, and two of them start digging. Team Scout is still digging, and Melinda is still doing nothing but attempting to copy someone else’s solution. Jeff says “that could be costly.”

Despite all odds, Team Heidi finishes the brain teaser first. They toss the ring and drop the flag to claim the first immunity. The other three teams find the instructions nearly all at the same time. Terry reads out the intstructions and Team Rudy solves the puzzle. Mr. Miyagi snags the hook in his first shot and drops their flag.

It is now a challenge between Team Scout, which needs to debate what each instruction means; and Team Robb, which can’t even read the instructions. The guys finish first and win the final immunity.

Jeffy gives skull to Team Robb, congratulating them for pulling it out. He gives head to Team Rudy, and Shane kisses the idol. Because Team Heidi finished first, Jeff gives them skull, and he gives them the pole as well. They squeal in delight. Jeff tells Team Scout to join him later at Tribal Council, and sends them all back to their camps.










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When we return, the mood is somber at Camp Casaya. While the others continue to work around camp, Tina has gone to the beach to ponder life. The others wonder what is wrong with her and say she’s weird. Smart move, Tina.

Cirie confesses that she is nervous, and that she doesn’t feel as if she is the most physically fit person on the tribe. I'm forced to agree. Cirie is worried and she doesn’t want to go home.

We cut to the beach, where Tina has written the name of her 16-yearold son Charlie. Poor Charlie was killed in a car accident four months earlier. TearyTina’s crying and carving hearts and shamrocks in the sand, but tells us that she wants to keep the death a secret from the other women. Smart move, Tina. A grieving mom would never get any sympathy in that crowd.

While TearyTina is weeping, Cirie is planting the knife. She’s working to convince Ruth-Marie that none of them can beat Tina in challenges, completely forgetting that they are in a team competition, and almost three weeks away from individual challenges.

Back to TearyTina’s stroll on the beach. She has found a huge fish trapped and dying on the rocks. She brings it back for dinner.

Let’s review:

Tina started the fire.
Tina found the water.
Tina built the shelter.
Tina found food.

Tina’s got to go.

Tribal Council.

Night falls, and Team Scout heads to the quasi-realistic indigenous people Hollywood set. As they approach we see Jeff poised at the top of a cliff, looking like a Mayan Panamanian God. It reeks of pretension. Team Scout ascends “stone” steps into Jeffy’s Cave of Imminent Doom, conveniently studded with stalagmites straight from the prop shop.

Light the torch and get fire... blah blah... fire is life... when it's gone so, are you.

Jeff: Welcome to Tribal Council you hags… Melinda, you’ve been here three days and haven’t vomited yet. Do you need to see Cerie naked?

Melinda: I’m in Panamanian Hell. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and Jeff, I haven’t done a damn thing out here. It’s mentally physically emotionally spiritually difficult. You could never do it, you pampered, cabin-sleepin’, mess hall-eatin’, former-cast-member’slaggin’ jackass.

Jeff: Pfft. Cerie, what the hell are you doing here?

Cerie: I’m from Jersey City. I’ve never been outdoors. People like me oughta stay on the couch. Hell, honey, I AM a couch.

Jeff: Tina, you might be the most capable woman out here. These people owe you their lives.

Tina: I’m doing great. I’m confident. I’ve never been indoors. I can feed and shelter a small village with just these stones here.

Jeff: Ruth-Marie-Jon, you people should thank the Sweet Baby Jesus that Tina is here, or you’d all be dead already.

Ruth-Marie-Jon: Oh yeah, she did a great job. We love her. We need her. She’ll be with us forever.

Jeff: Cerie, it sounds like Tina is the leader.

Cerie: Fo’ now. But I’m gonna cut da bitch out. She found water, she started fire. Big deal. We coulda found da water, we can start fire. I’m not dumb like people say. I can do things. But Tina just stepped on up and took over. I was gonna break her arms off, but she was holding a big scary leaf. But I’m gonna kill her. Right here. Right now. Let’s go, bitch!!

Jeff: Tina, are these other women fat lazy slugs?

Tina: Hell yes.

Jeff: Melinda, any disagreement?

Melinda: Well sugah, no offense but Tina’s workin’ woke me from my nap. And now my nails are scratched cause I had to stand still and not help a single bit during the immunity challenge that we lost because I stood there and watched and didn't help and I'm totally to blame. Oh my heavens, Ashley, I’m plum tuckered out.

Jeff: Frankly, I don’t give a damn. Go over to the voting booth and kill yourselves.

We are shown Cerie’s vote for Tina, and Tina voting for Cerie, citing that odd fear of leaves. The other votes are secret, but we can guess what’s about to happen because prospective Survivor contestants are required to provide proof of mental handicap or insanity before they can get on the show.

Jeff counts the votes with much unnecessary drama.
Tina, Cerie, Tina…
first person voted out of Survivor Exile Island … Tina.

Snuff-o-rama, and Jeff practically laughs at Team Scout. "It’s the toughest thing you’ve ever done, and you voted out the one person who could keep you alive. We’ll send a crew by in a week to collect your corpses, you stupid cows. Go eat leaves."

Febreeze family moment: Eight extraordinarily ugly folks clustered on a couch tell TimberTina she showed sweet skills, and that she is Queen of the Forest. Um… do they know she lost?

Next time on Survivor Asshole Island

Team Heidi plays Twister, and Jeff says that “raises the stake.” Mr. Miyagi catch fly with chopsticks. Shane wants to Osten, and Cerie inhales helium. Later that night a storm moves in and Shane is struck by lightning.
He's finally smoking again.  ¶ 12:14 PM