Survivor Guatemala: Episode Twelve

Hong Kong Phooey v. The Dobby

by Wheezy

Previously on Survivor: Read Dweeze and weep. And:

Here’s a short re-cap,
written ‘specially for you.
You like‘em haiku?

‘Twas Thanksgiving Day;
Cindy and Rafe ate, swam, rubbed;
Billet-doux haiku.


Fishmongers like it
When they can be slaves to queens;
She nice, the Dobby?


Corn-filled pots with names--
Piggy Steph, out first, is mad;
Bad, bad, bad Dobby.



News Flash: Gay Mormon
Kicks NFL Hogeboom’s
Lying liar ass.


Judd’s buff, like a mask
On number one super guy;
Hong Kong Phooey, he.




Phooey and Gary
Make the jury laugh out loud;
Gary, sacked and benched.

Danni won’t go down
Without a fight. Who knew she
Was into that, hmm?

Previews show Judd’s big
Liar head on a platter;
Will the corps faux him?





I apologize if you missed the show and you’re now thinking I just ruined it for you. Just don’t blame the messenger. Burnett is making us all more stupid for every show we watch. How much foreshadowing can occur before it’s figuratively noon, and The Truth is standing upon our very heads? But it’s okay, I’ll humor you, MB.

Let’s start by saying it’s PROBABLY Danni who will be booted, okay? She says it herself in the opening confessional: I’m next on the totem pole. Because there’s NO WAY that bucket of bones can win immunity. No-ho-ho way. So long. Pagong. But even if Danni did win immunity, har har, you know that stubby little house elf is out. Right? Good.

You know, I really want to skip over the opening campfire scene, where everybody sits around the fire in the morning and Lydia says she smells sausage and eggs. Because then Judd starts talking about Steph’s farts. And Steph denies it by informing 50 bazillion people worldwide that she took a dump this morning. Thank you, so much. I believe we’ve just hit bottom.

Danni confesses that no one seems to want to discuss the lying liarhead of a Judd, who was outed at tribal council last night. She can’t believe these people. So instead of believing them, she joins them in Romper Room, and they all do cartwheels. (All except Lydia, that is, who does a pinwheel. Oh, and Rafe, who voyeurs from under the shelter). As we watch the Guatelympics, Danni drones on about strategery and how she has a small crack. Into the alliance, I mean. The thought occurred to me to make a sausage and egg joke right here, but that would be disgusting.

Commercials: Are you hungry? Try a piping hot sausage, egg and cheese McMuffin, for McDonalds. Hostess, for long brown Ho-hos of chocolatey goodness. Colon Powell, for the Judd Society of Lying Liarheads. Lou Dobbs, for dobbysocks. Healthy Kid Snacks, for Ants on a Log. Hershey, for the squirts.

Yeah, I know. There weren’t really any commercials there. But we need segues, you and me, since they stole our tree-mail and we’re all suddenly standing somewhere else at a challenge.

Hey, and I’m a lucky gal, I am. This really is a great episode, because it’s auction time! Who doesn’t love the auction? Maybe we’ll get some gross food this time, like the good old days of that dirty-necked vegetarian chick Kimmi who was on with Jerri. That would be so great.

Each Survivor gets $500 to spend. Two people can pool their money, Jeff says. Judd, who has special needs, shoves his wad of dough up his nose to see if it fits, because he’s a bad listener.

Jeff starts the auction with a plate of beef jerky, which, in retrospect, would have been a good nickname for that one guy who got booted several episodes ago. Danni bids $20 and everybody looks at her, points, and laughs. Jeff gives Danni the option of trading her pieces of leather for a secret something, but Lydia starts sniffing again and Danni instinctively deduces that it must be a box-o-cornpoop.

And then, spookily, Steph smells her money like Judd did. What is that all about? TJ, help us out. Is that a Jersey thing?

The next item is three chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. The crowd goes wild. Lydia bids $20, Cindy bids $40, and she leaps for joy upon her win. “It’s got biiig chunks of chocolate,” she mocks, as she takes a bite.

“It wasn’t me, I swear,” says Stephart.

No whammies, go! The next item is “an individual mosquito net,” says Jeff. How we can see something so tiny, I don’t know. But I do know who needs this item, and so do you. Lydia bids, Danni and Rafe team together, trying to outbid Lydia, but Lydia knows this is the most important item, not just of the game, but of her entire, pathetic, pitiful, slavish life. And for a measly $140, Master Jeff hands Dobby a piece of clothing.

“You...have given...Dobby, clothes?” She stutters, falls to her knees, then cries, “Dobby is free!”

In your face, people.

Pretty boring so far, no? Well, you can count on Jeff to spice things up. A covered plate. Will it be more corn? Because that is this season’s theme. Could it be a product placement item, like Corn Nuts? Or Fritos Corn Chips? Or maybe Good Harvest Cornburgers? Judd and Steph team up against Rafe and Danni and the bidding begins, which has become slavish to me, so I’ll skip it. Rafe and Danni take it with $180. Is it a bust? Nay, it is a Po’ Boy, a Philly steak sammich, a Gyro, a Hero, a submarine, or whatever you call it in your neck of the woods.

Jeff tells Danni to hold on to it, then he tells Rafe to take a big bite. Steph yells, “Oh my gosh, it’s humongous!” Rafe nods, sucking it down.


Somewhere on the east coast, a burrito explodes in a microwave.



Now for something a little indifferent. Jeff pulls out an envelope that practically guarantees immunity, and everybody half-heartedly bids. Blah, blah, blah, sold to $200 to Danni. Hello, Steph? Judd? You each still have your full $500. Lydia, you have $360. Cindy’s only spent $40 so far, and Rafe, $90. You do realize, do you not, that Danni has spent more than anyone. And that if she wins immunity, that means you don’t. So the boot is gonna be one of you all. And I’m just going to say it right now: Don’t you go whining when the immunity challenge comes around, because you had your chance, and you blew it. {/mother}

Danni’s envelope is sealed with wax. She is not allowed to open it until they arrive at the immunity challenge.

Jeff introduces the next item up for bids, which comes walking from around the corner. It’s family time. We do a double take because coming at us is

AnotherCindy.

Each survivor has one family member present. Cindy’s twin Mindy, Rafe’s mom, Danni’s brother, Judd’s wife, Lydia’s brother, and Steph’s boyfriend all line up on the auction block. Jeff examines their teeth and checks their knees for previous breaks, then introduces the herd.

Most of the Survivors squeal, cry, and fall down in heaps o’ joy. Danni waves politely to her brother and nonchalantly licks her sticky fingers. Guess she was hoping for one of her talking dogs. Rafe’s animated, “This is so random,” comment comes into play, while Lydia beams at her brother, whom she hasn’t seen in two years. Steph and her boyfriend blow teary kisses at each other, while Judd is overcome by seeing his lovely wife, Kristen.

Survivors can ask one other person for money to bid for a loved one, Jeff reminds them, but the reward is for only one person. Yeah, sure. The bidding begins, and soon, too, the negotiations. Steph begs from Dobby, who already forgot she’d been freed by the master, so she complies. Judd talks to Cindy, who says she’s already outbid, but truth be noted, Cindy was told there would be no math. Judd has the most money and he buys his wife for $880. Frankly, she deserves a million. He and his wife Kristen hug, and she joins the group of smelly people on the benches.

Jeff explains that the loved one will spend the night at the familiar Shazzam! Camp. All the others will be exiled to the old whatever camp overnight. And sweet Jesus of the jungle, Jeff comes up with a new twist -- Judd gets to pick two other loved ones to stay. Didn’t see that coming. Judd of course picks his sugar daddy, Cindy, and his Joisey gal, Steph. Another shocker.

The loservivors wave good-bye to their family members and, oddly enough, Lydia doesn’t throw a tantrum. Maybe she has a restraining order on her brother or something. After all, when Jeff asked the guy how Lydia looked to him, he answered, “stronger.” Hmmm. Veddy interesting.

The three head to the old camp to plot evil, while Steph and Cindy get up to hug and carry around their people.

Commercials: Cindy and Mindy double the pleasure, double the fun, for Doublemint Gum. Somewhere in the heart of the midwest, a burrito explodes in a damp basement.

The winners show their loved ones around the palace, and Judd expects he’s so wildernessedly manly that he’s gonna get sumpin’ for his $880. My vote for sumpin’? Arrested. But the Hong Kong Phooey, he got skeels. Sexy camper skeels, me-make-fire skeels, water boiling skeels…

Judd shows Kristen the complex art of drinking from a gourd, and she, extremely impressed, asks if she may try some of his fantastic boiled water. Judd slips in a mickey for insurance.

Cindy shows Mindy where she sleeps. In opposition to what Rafe suggested last week about Cindy not being touchy-feely, Cindy and Mindy are lolling all over each other, overcome by reverie of their younger days playing ‘wilderness people.’ And in reference to certain blog comments made last week about Cindy growing better looking the longer she’s out there, I must disagree vehemently. We now see her true potential, and I imagine certain members of Circle Of are now frothing when they think of the reunion show.

Stephanie tells boyfriend about the 11-mile hike, and I just happened to notice in those frames that boyfriend’s shirt is on inside out. Hmmmmm.

Confession time:

Steph: she owes Judd big. This is the second sweet reward he’s shared with her.

Judd: He, Steph, Cindy and Rafe are in a strong alliance.

Howler Monkey: *snortysnort*

Back at the Old Schnookum Camp, we *finally* get to hear from Rafe, our faithful narrator, again. Raise your hand if you think Rafe is in control of absolutely everything, but likes to make it appear that Steph is running the show. *me me me* Rafe talks about strategy and alligators.

Danni and Rafe walk on the beach. Danni confesses to Rafe that he’s the only one she trusts, and that Gary said it was okay to trust Rafe. Raise your hand if you think under-the-radar-Danni is sneakier than she lets on. *me me me*

They talk about Judd being a threat. Rafe plays right along with Danni in the ‘who we can’t trust’ game, pointing fingers at Steph and Judd as being in control. Raise your hand if you believe Steph and Judd are in control.
.
.
.

Danni and Rafe make a plan to catch Judd in a lie. Good luck, foolish doods, because Judd neverever does that. Once they ketch ‘im, they can show Steph that he lies, because apparently she missed the last tribal council.

Rafe knows Judd will try to boot him soon. “You can’t trust a person like Judd. But you can trust that you can’t trust him.” *nods wisely*

Night falls and the family campers chit-chat. Steph and her new gir’fren’ Kristen talk about how great Judd is, as Judd lays out the wedding blanket. “Looks like you are the final four,” says Kristen.

“Jersey will be proud,” replies Steph from behind her Mother-Teresa-turned-beekeeper headdress. Bet you wish you were the Dobby tonight, Steph.

They talk some strategy before bedtime. It occurs to Judd (in that special, overtalker way of his) that Danni might actually win immunity, but he goes all Jamie on Cindy and demands that they will all be all right. Right? It’s not the end of their world. It’s fine. No, it’s more than fine, it’s great. It’s the way they want it, isn’t it. I said ISN’T IT. They’ll just vote out Lydia. He’s so glad it’s working out this way and that the alliance is holding strong. He’s so glad they are so smart. Kristen slaps him across the face and he shuts up.

Commercials: Sweetened Super Glue, for zip-your-lips freshness. CSI gone reasonable, for the benefits of corpse-fucking. Wheezy, for U B faux Punk’d. Danni, for Happy Holidays and the way Christians oughta be. Tom DeLay, for Judds Anonymous. Harry Potter, for Witches For The Celebration of Christmas. Mr. Wheezy, for Cool-Tampon-Purchasing-Man-Of-The-Year Recipient.

Annnnnnndd it’s sunrise on Day 32. The reward winners put their loved ones to work, while Judd cooks up a manly pan of corn to ensure he gets a fresh hot muffin for breakfast. The howler monkey frets overhead. Rafe, Danni and Lydia arrive back at camp to find the intruders haven’t yet left.

Judd and Steph hail the group. “Whaddya say there, Rafinator?” Judd calls out. Rafe confesses that it was nice to spend some time with the friends and family of The Others. He laughs and says the loved ones are not loving camp life at all.

Judd confesses: It’s so great having my wife here. I haven’t been eating, but she actually made me full just by me looking at her. But if I had me like 25 White Castle cheeseburgers, mannnnnn…




The loved ones leave; there are hugs all around; a warning to love the ones you’re with is given. Steph sheds a tear. Poor girl, she never gets anything good.

Afternoon brings on the ‘don’t stay the course’ talkytalk. Lydia puts on her tough girl attitude and talks to Judd about Steph. Danni, in her new servant role, brings water to Lydia. Ha-HAH! Too bad Ms. Lydia is screwed, right?

Judd says he ain’t that stupid, he knows who the threats are. Lydia says get rid of the threats. They have seven freaking days left. If they don’t, guess who’s going to be sitting on the jury? Judd hollers, “I know that, bitch!”

We the viewers are treated to a lovely shot of Judd’s oogy foot. Judd knows who the mastermind behind Jamie’s ousting was. But Judd-baby? He ain’t sayin’ nothin’ to Ms. Mastermind.

Lydia says, “You know, Judd, maybe it’s time you looked at it different.”

Judd replies, “You know what? I don’t have a problem with that.”

So they come up with a fantastic plan to vote Steph off, right?

Danni, who listens in, files this in her selective memory slot. And it’s time for not-treemail, to the tune of “Steppin’ Out,” by Joe Jackson, aka ‘not really something to look forward to, so don’t.’

Red tile
This game is so vile you’ll prolly blow it
Follow all the rules, Judd, just please do it.
You might mess up
Dan-ni fess up

Cheater
So now you’re gonna be-hee all Jamie-hee
So-ho-ho-ho-ree if you blame me-hee
Crow-ho eater.
You suck, cheater.

Danni
Smahter than the joiseys on a good day
She got game an’ she say there’s no wood-ay
Gon-na beat you
You won’t pull through

Landru
So is this any good or even clo-hose
Or am I just a big fat piece of to-hoast
I blame haiku.
You, blame it too!
Stepping on the tile.


Trip-trap, trip-trap, the Survivors hop over the bridge to the immunity challenge. Danni has her envelope, but she STILL may not open it. Oh, the bladdy suspense.

WHOA! News flash: Jeff is wearing a BROWN shirt, with his dorky sleeves rolled up above his elbows.

Jeff takes the immunity necklace from Rafe’s svelte body and asplains the rules. Everybody takes a designated spot on a multi-level chess board of sorts, which consists of white tiles. In order to move, each player in turn must flip over a tile to its red side. A red tile may only be stood upon once. Players may move forward, backward, or sideways, but not diagonal *flash shot to special Judd, who is not a good listener, and is shaking his head*. There’s a salad spinner at the upper level. If you get there, you can spin around to another place. When a player runs out of red tiles, he or she is out of the game.

Danni is a good girl; she has not opened the envelope. Finally she can reveal it, and it reads like a Chance card from Monopoly, simply, “Switch positions with any player.”

Jeff explains that at any time during this game, Danni can trade spots with any other player. If she’s clever and understands the game, she’ll use it wisely. Jeff says a little prayer on her behalf.

The Survivors take turns turning over tiles, and after a few rounds, Cindy mounts the salad spinner and takes a ride. Happily, she is the first one to exit when she makes a stupid move, but dang, she had fun doing it.

Jeff says “Steph’s carved out a nice piece of real estate.” But what he’s thinking is this: Dammit, Danni, how many clues do I have to give you! Make this show interesting! You people are boring me to tears. Let’s shake this up, and I’ll guarantee you final two.

And it’s Danni’s move. “Can I switch?”

Jeff does an inner happy-dance. “Well, sure. If you want to…” he says. (read: “GO GIRL! YOU GO!”)

Danni switches with Steph, and Steph cusses her out under her breath. Poor Steph. She never had a chance to win the immunity clue, did she. In fact, she’s been screwed this entire game.

Lydia is next, and she’s out.

A few rounds later, Danni shuts out Rafe, and he departs, giving her a friendly pat on the back.

Judd makes his last move, according to Master Jeff. “I got one more,” he whines.

Jiffy slaps him across the face and tells him he cannot move diagonally. Duh. Judd thinks about punching Jeff, but decides to take a seat like a grown-up.

It’s down to Danni and Steph. Steph looks disgusted as she takes her last move, and Danni wins immunity. Jeff jumps up and down like it’s Survivor 2. Danni smiles. “Money well spent,” she chokes, near tears. Jeff puts the necklace around her neck and the others give her a princess clap. They are sent back to camp.

Commercials: Judd, for Capital One -- He’d make a great Viking, no? Judd, for Burger King -- Any way you want it, except that way, because that’s too complicated. Wait, what? Judd, for Celebrity Poker Loser Lounge -- At least there’s food in there. Judd, for Midol -- Let’s hope it helps rein in his hypocrisy during this difficult time of the month. Judd, for Kodak -- A picture is worth a thousand words, so shut the hell up.

Day 33 at camp Bob. Danni is hoping for a great turn of events. Danni pulls conversations from her selective memory and passes them on to Steph. Danni gives Steph a snow-job and Steph confesses that Judd lies, and Danni doesn’t. Thunder rumbles as Steph relates her version to Rafe, who probably knows everything already but he’s great at playing helper-boy.

They decide not to tell Cindy that they’re voting out Judd, and Steph feels something along the lines of a twinge, which she quickly brushes aside like a bug. All better, Steph! Just turn Judd into the bad guy, and I’m sure Joisey will forgive you.

Meanwhile, Lydia and Judd are plotting...nothing at all.

Lydia tells Judd he’s out in five different languages, but she forgets Captain Caveman-speak, so he doesn’t get it. Lydia then goes to Rafe, playing both sides, and offers her vote if anybody needs it. Judd overhears, and says he needs her vote—he needs her to not vote for him. Everyone gets a real fun chuckle out of that one, oh boy.

Judd confesses. Whaddyaknow, he has an alliance with Steph, Cindy and Rafe. Wow – if you’ve ever looked for five minutes at spoilers, you know revealed alliances never succeed. This one has been revealed about thirty thousand times now. Can we have one more pop over the head, Mr. Burnett? Pain, good! Pleasy Wheezy?

Dobby heads over to the Goblet of Fire and throws Judd’s name in, while Judd talks to Rafe and Steph about how difficult it is to talk to Dobby, the one who is going to be voted out. “Man, you gotta say something, man.”

Steph and Rafe nod sagely.

And it’s off to Tribal Intervention.

Judd, I feel a need to go omniscient on you, and say you are an idiot, and please shut the fuck up about how you just want someone to go home, as long as it’s not you. Because Judd?




They take their seats as the jury -- BJ, Jamie and Gary -- are ushered in. Jeff starts with the loved ones.

Steph: blah blah blah Michael thinks this place sucks.

Jeff: Danni, you’re grinning from ear to ear about your immunity.

Danni: I’ve cried twice -- over spaghetti and over immunity. But I wasn’t about to let that immunity clue go. I needed it like Dweeze on CindyMindy.

Random FUN FACT: I cried over a pizza once when I was 8 months pregnant. I dropped it face down on the kitchen floor. It was a horrible day. I blame Wheezyboy.

Jeff: Cindy, so just go ahead and tell me who you’re voting for.

Cindy: No new taxes. Stay the course.

Jeff: Rafe, have you ever thought about thinking?

Rafe: I control everything, Jeff. Not only my thoughts on thinking, but the thoughts of every other thinker here, on thinking and on thoughts. And then there’s Judd, whose thoughts I manipulate into non-thoughts. Whaddya think?

Jeff: I like. I think I should ask you what I say next.

Rafe: Ask Judd a question so he can make a fool out of himself once more.

Jeff: I think you’re right, Rafe. I’ll do that.

Rafe: Of course.

Judd: Hey, no matter what anybody says, everybody wants somebody to go home. Somebody wants someotherbody to go home too, so somebody going home is good for me, as long as it’s not me, which it isn’t, because if it is I’ll start calling names and you don’t wanna hear that, because I ain’t goin’ home, there’s no way, man, and all you otherbodys don’t know I’m sportsmanship and you can’t make me, and everything is great because I say who, I say when, I say...who...so the answer is no fucking way, man. Deal with it. If somebody goes home, it’s more corn for the others, no hard feelings, man. Trust and love the ones you’re with, man.

Jeff: Rafe, wow, you’re good.

Rafe: *beaming* thank you. I’m considering making an action figure out of myself, using twigs and beetle carcasses.

Jeff: Wow, I could really get behind that, Rafinator.

Rafe: I made you say that, you know.

Jeff: I love you, man.

And it’s time to vote.

Danni votes Judd: “Like you said, Judd, we’re all just squirrels trying to get a nut, but Rafe got both of yours today. I had nothing to do with it.”

Judd votes: Lidia. You sang and danced your way right into Rafe’s clever plan, which means I win!

(Rafe: I told him to say that. And to spell her name wrong.)

Jeff reads the votes.

Judd
Lidia (duh!)
Lydia
Judd
Juddinator (duh!)
Note: right here, Judd shoots Steph the look of death, and she seals her fate – if she makes final 2, she won’t win. (Rafe made me say that)
Judd.

And he’s gone. Or...not quite.



Judd: Thanks guys. Hope you all get bit by a freaking crocodile. You big bags of filthy sucking sucky scum. And in case you didn’t hear me the first time, you are all scumbags, every last one of you, even if you didn’t vote for me, Cindy. But especially you, Steph, the scummiest of the bags is you.



Somewhere just outside of Secaucus, NJ, a burrito explodes in the back alleyway of a skanky bar. Let the looting begin.






And surprisingly, no one cries at Judd’s departure.
Here comes fun.
Celebrate the magic of Dobby.






Judd’s family moment: Cute wife Kristen tells Judd, “you are my survivor, and everybody’s survivor, even though you sucked. I told you to shut up. Don’t bother coming home. Rock on.”

Next time, on Survivor: Somebody ought to be winning an ugly vehicle pretty soon, right? CindyMindy is pissed as hell and she’s not gonna take it anymore. Furthermore, the tribe is shocked with an awful dilemma, which will probably have something to do with a broken fingernail or too much corn.


Judd’s Final Words: I’m really pissed off, I mean, I feel I was pissed off, lied to, betrayed, and it doesn’t feel good to be blindsided and it sucks being lied to, man, because one thing I didn’t do was lie to anybody, man, and hey, get rid of the biggest target and that’s what they did, man, so I really believe that you’re all a bunch of scumbags, and I can’t wait ‘til the final two, man. I’ll have a lot more to say than that, man.

And with that, Judd goes back to work.

I love a happy ending.

*please direct all photoshop praise to TJ, who rawks.

  ¶ 12:28 PM