Camp Whatever the Hell It's Called, Day 34


It's a Judd-free morning, but we still have giant phallic symbols to remind us of the dickhead that was as the ladies grind corn.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing and miraculously, the howler monkey has shut up...it must be because Judd is gone. Much girly talk and coffee klatching now ensues as they revel in the fact that the giant lump of testosterone and crassness has now left "his" jungle. Ahhh, it still feels good to say it. Since Evil Judd is gone, those whacky girls are finally able to let their hair down (except for Lydia who is still perfectly coiffed) and have a raucous time around camp crossing their eyes.

Yes, you read that correctly. For fun today, the five finalists in Survivor Guatemala (the number 1 reality show on television as CBS loves to tell me) are eschewing most normal forms of entertainment and they are crossing their eyes. The Final Four will probably try to top this fun by popping their knuckles.

Yet again we get no treel mail...okay, I have to stop right here and discuss the use of the term "tree mail." It is most obviously NOT tree mail since they retrieve it from a large urn. It is Urn Mail. I think that this key oversight pretty much sums up this group of Survivors---not an original thought in any one of their heads. They say "Tree Mail" because everyone else said "Tree Mail". It would take some gumption and originality to say, "Look, guys, we have Urn Mail!" Or maybe even "Jar Mail" since some of them probably don't actually know what an urn is. And could they take the Urn Mail urn with them to use if for storage purposes? I wondered that the other day. Wouldn't that be a kicker if the intrepid Survivor production crew went to deliver said Urn Mail and there wasn't a pot to put it in? Now THAT would be funny.

But they don't. Instead we get Danni and Rafe sauntering up to the "tree" for their mail and finding a car key. They rush back with their "tree mail" (as usual, we don't even get a sophomoric poem) to share the big news with the others. This group is real, real smart, so it doesn't take them long to figure out that the reward will be a CAR! The mere mention of a car sends Steph into spasms of ecstasy. Rafe, ever the Survivor expert, makes the brilliant observation that one of them will own a car by the end of the day! See? I told you they were smartuns.

The Fearsome Fivesome stumble off to the Reward Challenge where they meet up with Jiffy as he stands in front of a shiny, black, gas-guzzling SUV from Pontiac (Pontaic sucks, btw). Right there, on the spot, Steph has a full-blown orgasm and moans, "OH, GAAAWWWD" for about the ten millionth time this season. Jiffy waits until she's in her quiet place before he explains that this challenge will feature elements of several past challenges that Lydia and Danni both sucked royally at the first time. There are balance beams, ropes to untie (because as I've said before, it ain't a challenge without some knots), a machete and a jungle-style roller coaster. Big fun with Jiffy today. The first three to finish stage one will move on, and yada brak yada. Oh, yeah, as part of the reward, the winner will also get to go to an archeological camp (can we say luxury??!?!) and have a barbeque where there will be "lots of rum". We all know this is code for, "You get to take someone with you", but Jeff doesn't come out and say it because he thinks there is some sort of suspense left in this game.

I don't know why MB thinks that balance beams are so much fun for the viewers to watch, but he does, so we are forced to sit through the players walking up and down some balance beam hills. Periodically they have to stop and untie some sort of Mayan throwing thing that looks a whole-lot like a giant wooden spatula. Steph is out to an early lead with Cindy and Rafe not far behind. Lydia resorts to having to crotch the beam, so she hasn't got a prayer of winning...and further cements her fate by falling off the beam from a seated position. Other people fall off at times and there is some alleged sense of suspense and urgency as they fight to the finish for this leg. Steph, Danni, and Cindy end up winning the heat, which makes this the most buff trio to win anything in the entire history of Survivor.



Sidenote--I freely admit that each and everyone of these chicks could kick my ass six days a week and twice on Sundays. I still have better hair, though.

More racing and I'm sure somewhere, someone gave a damn about the outcome, but I was sort of zoned out as the three women flung the giant wooden spatulas at a hanging trivet about 30 yards away. Cindy and Steph both smash their trivets to smithereens after a few rounds, while Danni only chips hers, so they move on.

The final challenge is yet another puzzle--this one is a circley thing that has something to do with the Mayan calendar which Jeff tells us about, oh 40-11 times that the girls should be very familair with by now. Evidently there is a giant Mayan wall calendar in camp somewhere that we've missed seeing thus far. Steph chooses the very unorthodox puzzle-solving method of working her puzzle from left-to-right, while Cindy approaches her in a manner that actually makes sense. She does the outter pieces first and then fills in the middle. Needless to say, this one isn't even close and Cindy jumps in the Jiffy Jungle Coaster and zooms down the hill to victory. Steph is left in despair at the top of the hill--no car for her. No challenge victory for her yet. She sucks.

Cindy is giddy beyond belief at winning this monstrosity (she evidently doesn't realize what the price of gas is going to do to her zookeeper's income). As she dances in place beside Jeff, he unveils a super-duper-incredible twist to the game because that's just what Jiffy does (and will do for two more years wearing the same blue shirt, more than likely). He begins to blather on about the Curse of the Car and appears to be trying to scare Cindy into some sort of trance with talk about ten seasons, no winners, curses, etc. IMO, it all sounded like a really bad plot from Ghost Whisperer (as if I'd ever watch that show), but Cindy seems to buy his b.s. Just as she's about to pee in her pants right there, he gives her a remedy for the curse: four more giant SUVs come barreling through the jungle as we learn that she has the option to give up her car and give the other four each SUVs. Steph's moans of ecstasy can be heard all the way to Brazil as she sees the other cars roll in. The others look expectantly to Cindy--they want the cars. There is no doubt about that. But Cindy is puzzled. Cindy is confuzzled. She's come upon her own little Detour on Survivor:

A Detour is a choice betwen two tasks

/Phil voice

Should Cindy:

A. keep her car, further ostracize herself from the people who didn't tell her they were voting out a member of their "hardcore, to the end, we'll be the Final Four and stick together like glue" alliance

OR

B. give everyone a car, hope to earn some goodwill, almost certainly ensure herself a spot in the Final Four and wait to buy her own car when she's off the show

Go Answer a Poll

Cindy ponders and studies her choices for what seems to be about 20 minutes on television, so it must have seemed like an eternity in reality. Then she gives Jeff her answer--"I want to go home now, so I'll take the NEW CAR." Then Jeff tells her what we all knew from the beginning--she gets to take someone with her on the Reward, so Steph gets yet ANOTHER meal while the other three are sent back to Camp Whatever to sulk and pout.


Check out those arms, folks.

And sulk and pout Rafe does. Wheeeeee, he is one BITTER dude about not getting his car. Now, he tries to make it sound like he thinks that Cindy should have given him, er THEM, a car as a show of sportsmanship, but clearly, he thinks that he somehow deserved the car and is pissed beyond pissed that she didn't give him one. He and Danni bitch about Cindy's selfishness together and then in confessional, Rafe pretends that he is somehow St. Rafe of the Mormons and preaches ON and ON and ON about how he would want to help his fellow man and offer peace to the whole earth and that Cindy essentially made the Baby Jesus cry when she stole Rafe's, er, everyone's cars from them and took one for her mean ol' stingy self. It is, I have to say, one of the most childish displays I've ever seen on Survivor. Suddenly it makes me wonder what Judd's reaction would have been--I think similar--but we'll never know since he was voted out last week. *mmmmmmmmm*

Steph is practially grinding in the passenger seat as she and Cindy drive off their sumptuous archeological camp for a BBQ. She reassures Cindy umpteen times that there really was no choice in the matter and then promptly masturbates as she is overcome by the new car smell. At the campsite, Joel Siegel's doppelganger, Frederico the archeologist, welcomes them and tells them that he will let them eat before he comes to visit with them. Freddy ain't no dummy. Cindy and Steph go over to their picnic to discover that they have to build the fire and cook the food themselves. What a cruel, cruel trick. Even when you are not starving half to death from eating nothing but funky corn, it is almost inhumane to be forced to sit and smell steaks on the grill. But in their state? That must have sucked beyond belief. I, of course, thought it was hilarious because I don't really like either one of them. It would have only been better if they'd had to go kill their own cow and butcher the beef. Cindy, though, wasn't too upset because she just kept staring at her NEW CAR. Steph, of course, wasn't exactly starving, so the wait probably wasn't that strenuous for her.

During their meal, the two he-girls chit chat about strategy. Cindy is convinced that people are not going to vote to give her a million dollars just because she gave them a car. What she fails to realize, of course, is that they will, however, vote her ass out because she did NOT give them a car. The forshadowing is so heavy and so obvious that even Judd could pick up on this boot, but he's not here because they voted him out last week (still feels good to read it, doesn't it?). After the meal, Freddy comes and talks to them about the Mayans and such. I'm sorry to be anti-education, but other than the car, this reward sucks rocks. Cook your own food and then listen to stories from Joel Seigel? Where is the shower? Where is the tent with your mom? Where is the VISA card? Oh, Survivor, what have you become?

Upon their return to camp, Steph and Cindy delude themselves into believing that they are still safe and that no one talked about voting them off the night before. Cindy is so convinced that she starts in about her NEW CAR from the first minute and basically never shuts up about it. The howler monkeys are even rendered speechless by her complete lack of communication skills. Rafe gives her every recognizable body language cue--short of sticking his head up his ass--that he is fed up with the CAR talk, and she still goes on and on about the NEW CAR! Steph and Rafe have some pseudo-deep conversation about the morale dilemma that Cindy was faced with and Steph tells Rafe that he's a whiney-ass baby. Not surprisingly, he disagrees and goes on to yet another confessional where he puts on his hair shirt and flogs himself a little as he tries to decide if he is playing to nice in this game. Shut.up.Rafe. And go steal Lydia's comb and blow dryer while you're at it. You look a fright.

Once again, we are robbed of the poetry that is Urn Mail and the contestants are magically at the Immunity Challenge. We know this is a challenge because there are....KNOTS! Oh, boy, are there knots. And locks, and keys and poles. It's a Survivor challenge orgy. Instead of testing physical strength or mental toughness, this time, we're going to test the players' ability to find a key and stick it in a lock.

Can anyone else say The Amazing Race 6, Mt. Hua, Hayden and Aaron vs. Adam and Rebecca? Yes, yes you can. Keys are a stupid, stupid challenge.

The players are strapped into some shackles and we are shown a tight shot of a production team member using a wrench to tighten the shackles so that there are no Darrah-like incidents with abnormally small wrists in this challenge.


I think CBS assumes viewers will find this picture alluring with its bondage overtones; I find it terrifying.

The five are locked up and sent on their way, scurrying down a rope obstacle course where they are forced to jump, hop, twist and skeedaddle their way through three or four key stops and then, in a real test of skills, untwist their rope from a pole and run to the finish line. It is once again a contest between only Steph and Cindy as they leave the others in the dust (which really makes you wonder about Danni's athletic ability and Lydia's ability to even get in her house, much less monger fish). Steph has the advantange and runs to the finish line, only to have her rope yank her backwards--she didn't untwist enough of it. Oh, the humanity!!! Now she has to untie some knots (thus making this a REAL challenge) in order to get some additional length in her rope. Will she make it or will Cindy find that key??? Fuck, who cares? Steph didn't get zoinged back on her ass when the rope was too short, so as far as I am concerned the whole thing is a monumental letdown. What a dumbass challenge. Stephanie wins and proceeds to burst into tears. Finally, after 12 weeks this season and more than I care to count last season, she has won an individual challenge. Somewhere up in Heaven, the Baby Jesus applauds.

So now Steph is safe, which means that someone else has to go home. Since Steph and Cindy and Rafe have a Final Four alliance, this would make it seem as if Lydia or Danni has to go. That's what you do in Survivor. You stick with your buddies and vote out the outsiders, but Steph's brain doesn't work that way cases in point: Jamie and Judd. She thinks it is good strategy to vote out your bat-shit crazy alliance members and keep the likeable underdogs around instead. But she's a great Survivor player. Just ask her. Or America. They love her. She is so in love with the idea that she is a great player that she lets Rafe push the dumbest plan ever on her: We can beat Danni in the finals easier than we can beat Cindy.

Let's consider the jury--they all hate Steph thus far, and she knows it. Why in the world would she consider putting yet another blindsided alliance member over there to vote against her? Why, why, WHY?? In the name of Gawwwwwwd, why? I guess it's because Rafe's very skeery hair has some mystical powers over her or else she is so far off of her paranoia meds that she can't think rationally, but for whatever reason, she agrees to this ridiculous plan, thus creating yet another vote against her on the jury. As I noted above, Steph's people-reading "skills" are lacking in a big way. We've just been hidden from how truly bad she is because there were so many other nitwits out there to use for camo. Now that they are gone, we see her in all her pinhead glory and it is NOT pretty (although thankfully it's not in nightvision at this point, so at least we're not talking nightmare qualities).

Cindy made a last-ditch effort to try to get Steph and Danni to roll on Rafe, but it was clearly too little, too late. A nice, shiny SUV probably would have gone a long, long way in helping them make that sacrfice, but now? Not a fricking chance. No car? No stay. No one will give Cindy a straight answer or look her in the eye or listen to her talk about the NEW CAR! She puts on a brave face, but deep down, we all know that she knows that she is about to go the way of Judd (gee, hate that for you, Juddo).

At the TC, the jury comes in and I, like most of America, smile at my telly as I see Judd walk in looking totally pissed off that none of the scumbags were bitten by a croc. The other jury members are probably somewhat interesting, but I fail to notice it because I'm still basking in the fact that Judd is sitting over there with them, out of the running for a million dollars (I could say this all day long and never, ever tire of it).

Jeffy was seriously off his game in the questioning tonight, which leads me to believe that Julie was back in one of those unclaimed SUVs ready to lead him through a little repeat challenge of his own complete with knots and locks. He basically got Rafe to admit that Steph was safe (hmmmm, ya think?) and that the rest of them were possible targets. He got Cindy to talk yet again about her NEW CAR and then commanded them to go vote so he could hurry up and go do the Suduko with Julie.

He tallies the votes and then reports the following:

Cindy
Rafe
Cindy
Cindy

There is bizarre artwork on one vote--I guess that was supposed to make Cindy happy that she was being voted for. I don't much think it worked, though.

Cindy's parting shot was nowhere near as cutting as Judd's, but I think they'll still be trying to figure out why she's mad at them later.

I'll be thinking of you guys when I'm looking up at the stars through the sunroof of my NEW CAR!!!

Judd because he's an idiot, pumps his fist as if Cindy has offered up some cutting remark to them. Obviously he doesn't realize that the Fantastic Final Four can now probably each afford a new SUV, but most importantly, the are still in the game, a fact which Cindy seems to totally miss and thus, deserved to be booted out. When Judd thinks you've launched a verbal zinger, chances are you actually just came off sounding like a doofus dumbass. And she did. I'm sure they'll all be thinking of her as they lie under the stars and comtemplate their chances of winning one million dollars, which I'd say just about anyone would hoose over a suckass Pontiac.

¶ 9:53 PM