Episode Eleven: The Eeeew Lagoon

Oops! My bad! Judd is actually eavesdropping as Gary puts the moves on Lydia. Judd wants to learn how a real man picks up a dwarf.

Oops again! Judd is listening in as Gary tries to convince Lydia to join an alliance with him. And Lydia is receptive - she's concerned she may be next. She must not pay any attention to spoilers.

Oooh, that rascally Gary! How dare he try to save himself! As soon as Judd gets the chance, he’s going to tattle to Steph. She’ll know what to do. Why, she’ll probably even give Judd a cookie for being such a good boy!

Indeed, our next scene features Judd blabbing to Rafe and Steph. Rafe says that Judd needs security, and that Steph and he can give Judd that. They’ll be signing the adoption papers later this week. Meanwhile, Steph also makes the observation that Gary is trying hard not to get booted. This seems to come as a shock to her. Considering how little effort she put into playing the angles last season, it probably is a shock to her that people would not go willingly to their Survivor doom. Then Judd, in confessional, rationalizes that Gary is the biggest liar in camp because he told Steph and Judd that he didn’t think Cindy and Lydia deserved to still be in the game and now he is trying to work a deal with Lydia. Apparently the concept of “doing whatever it takes to stay” is unfamiliar to Judd as well. Maybe it’s a Jersey thing.

But enough of this - let's go to the reward challenge. A treemailless reward challenge. I imagine if there was treemail, it would read something like this:

Lydia's short,
Judd's a load
Rafe prefers the Hershey road

Steph's gone nuts
Gary's meat
Danni needs some food to eat

Cindy's looking
Mighty fine
Pity Jules keeps me in line

Swing your club
Drop the corn
Watch Kirk wrestle with the Gorn

Sorry about that last line - I ran out of rhymes and I needed an excuse to run that picture.

The challenge combines two Survivor favorites – the remember the facts about the location challenge with the reveal your alliances / take out your hatred challenge. Okay, make that one favorite. No one likes the remember the facts about the location challenge. But everyone loves the reveal your alliances / take out your hatred challenge. Each survivor has a big die with A, B, C, D, True, and False written on it. Judd immediately tries to roll craps with his; Rafe tries to improve to a Level 4 wizard with his. Good thing Jamie got the boot or he would have been putting string on his so he could hang it from his rearview mirror. Each survivor also has three jugs of corn (no, that's not a reference to Katie Gallagher) hanging in the air.

Jeff will ask a question, the survivors will use their die to show their answer, those survivors who get the answer correct will get the opportunity to swing a club at a jug of corn, and when all three of a survivor's jugs of corn (do you get the feeling I like saying jugs of corn) are broken the survivor is eliminated from the challenge. The last one standing wins reward, a trip to a lagoon, with a hot water waterfall and a cold water lagoon. These combine to form spa like conditions. There were also be food, drink, massages, and an orgy with the natives. Or at least three of those four.

The first question involves how the Maya recorded their written stories. They carved them into something. See if you can click the correct answer in the poll below:

Did the Maya carve their stories in:

0 Stella! Stelllllllaaaaaaa!
0 Something I didn't catch
0 Sanskritch
0 Dockers pants

Ha Ha! Got you again! Or at least I got Alice. I'm sure of that.

Everyone gets the question right except for Steph. Judd takes out Gary's first jug of corn. Lydia takes out Steph's. Danni takes out Steph's second. Cindy hits Gary. Rafe hits Danni. Danni hits Cindy.

The next question involves whether or not the losers in the Maya court ball game were sometimes turned into the ball. Steph first answers true, then looks to see what Judd answered. Seeing that he answered false, she changes her answer. In short, Steph is a moron, because the answer is true. Lydia, Cindy, and Danni get it right. Lydia steps up and takes out a ton of aggression on Steph, dropping her out of the challenge.

Hell hath no fury like a fishmonger scorned.

Steph says that jeolousy will get Lydia nowhere. Lydia says that she is hungry and that Steph has eaten three times. Danni drools at the mention of the word food, then steps up and hits Judd's first jug. Cindy walks to the plate and puts Gary out of the competition.

And, as an aside, is it me, or is Cindy in that small, small minority of Survivor women who get better looking as the show goes on? That puts Cindy in the company of, of, of. Uhm. There has to be someone else - right?

Anyway, Jeff then asks which spiritually important crop did the Gods fashion man from. And no Carey, weed isn't one of the choices. The correct answer is corn, which everyone got but Judd, though Judd did his best to try to cheat off the others. Lydia hits Judd's second pot and Danni follows up by taking Judd out of the game. Cindy takes down Danni's second and Rafe uses the wussiest looking swing ever to knock Danni out. As she sits, Danni says she is joining the loser's lounge, revealing that she watches Celebrity Poker Showdown on Bravo.

Lydia can't be feeling good. Sure, she has all three of her jugs of corn left. But Cindy has two and Rafe three, and you can bet they will be swinging at Lydia. So she needs to get the next five questions right while Cindy and Rafe miss every question. Needless to say, this doesn't happen. Rafe answers a geography question and takes Lydia's first pot out. All three get the next question right, a true or false question which asked if the nearby temples were built with modern machinery. This is, of course, the Survivor equivalent of asking who is buried in Grant's tomb, and, of course, Judd and Steph would have missed it. The one-two punch of Cindy and Rafe take Lydia out of the game, though Lydia gets her last swing, which she uses on Rafe's first jug of corn.

The next question asks if it is true or false that there are 30 volcanos in Guatemala. Rafe says false, Cindy true, Cindy is right. The next question, also true or false, asks if the most active time of day for crocodiles is dawn. Hmm. Wonder if a zoologist can get this one right? She can, and the wilderness guide can't, and Cindy wins reward. Yay! Jump up and down Cindy. Jump up and down! She's given the choice of taking someone with her, and agonizes over it before taking Rafe.

Maybe I'm crazy, but the choice in these situations seems easy and also easy to defend. Pick the person who finished second to you. Doesn't matter who it is - it is a choice that is tough to put strategic implications to by the others not chosen. Pick that person, then walk away in an overhead shot as we break to commercial.

Which I won't summarize. Not going to do it, mainly because I am watching the online podcast of the show and it doesn't have commercials.

We're back, and Steph finally has her Captian Queeg moment. Steph runs down the food others have eaten, and comes to the conclusion that each of them has gotten the same amount of food. Gary points out that the single piece of pizza he got at the group food reward doesn't really compare with what Steph got at that same reward. He points out in confessional that Steph doesn't seem to have lost any weight. Lydia says nothing was personal, to which Judd says everything is personal. In confessional, Lydia says everyone has Steph on a pedastal, and no one is taking her on.

Danni seems none too thrilled with Steph's assessment that everyone has had their fair share of food rewards. And personally, I am none too thrilled that Danni has made the corpse fucking joke so easy.




Meanwhile, at the reward, Rafe and Cindy arrive at the reward site. Rafe says they couldn't decide if they should eat first and then do the massage, or do the massage and eat. They opt to eat, and Rafe toasts the first of many meals at exotic locations together.

See! Even Rafe thinks Cindy is hot!

Oh what a reward. Shrimp. Beef. Mojitos. Fruit. Snarky comments about Gary and Lydia. Rafe says he expels a flood of strategy.

I'll let you make your own joke.

But now it's time for the lagoon. Rafe and Cindy have so much to share. Rafe mentions that he is a touchy-feely person and Cindy isn't and he says it is nice that he got to hold her and help her in the water.

I TOLD YOU EVEN RAFE THINKS CINDY IS HOT!

Rafe returns the favor and introduces Cindy to the wonders of the glory hole.

But now it's massage table time. We see a shot that will soon appear on The Side Boob Hour.


Afterwards, Cindy tells Rafe that it was awesome. It is the first time he has heard a woman say these words to him. Rafe says the reward was so good he is now able to make it the rest of the way. They walk back to camp, both of them with flowers in their hair. Good thing too, because summertime at camp will be a love-in there.

They arrive, and everyone wants details of the reward. Cindy and Rafe downplay it. Nothing special, food not so good, not really a lot of food. Steph wants all details, Lydia doesn't want to hear any of it. In confessional she says that Cindy should have taken her. She then offers Rafe some of her fishwater soup. Rafe pats his belly twice, then holds his hands out, fingertips up, palms out, which we all know is the international symbol for “Thanks – I’m good”.

The new gang of four - Rafe, Judd, Steph, and Cindy - discuss Lydia's status. Steph says Lydia doesn't deserve to be there and she only got there because she was nice. She tells the group that Lydia is dead to her, I mean, Lydia is so no longer a part of their alliance. Steph then complains about the amount of homework Mr. Gothmog assigns and raves that Mrs. Kimmah has smacktabulous hair "for a teacher." On the other hand, Rafe in confessional says the next few days are crucial for Lydia. It will mean the difference between her going really far or her going really soon. So Rafe apparently has plans other than those Steph has made. Hmmm.

And now we are at the mid-show break. Go get something to eat, okay? You're starting to Danni away to nothing.

Okay. Back at camp. Morning again. Cindy makes coffee, and sits around with her alliance of Steph, Judd, and Rafe. They discuss how cool it would be if they were the final four. We see a shot of them atop the pyramid, accompanied by a shot of the three others below. Something seems familiar about this. Hmm. Oh yeah. It’s a repeat of a scene we saw in the Amazon. And like there, we can be pretty certain that this four person group will not be our final four. I bet we lose two of them along the way.

Gary points out the obvious, that the four have the power and that he would rather be in the power group. Once again, he plots with Lydia and Danni, and they discuss bringing Rafe into the group.

Jump cut to the immunity challenge, once again sans treemail. If we had treemail, it would have read

Mental sharpness
Is what this one’s about
Steph and Judd
Might as well sit out

The immunity challenge is another mental challenge. This time, it’s the old standard, Remember the Details of the Story. Jeff begins by telling a story. The survivors then go to one of seven stations where they will find a scrambled question. They need to unscramble an answer the question. The answers are on two boxes – in one box is a flag, in the other a stick. If they answer correctly, they get a flag to put on their pole. If they answer incorrectly, they get a stick that they have to throw into a fire. The first person to get all seven flags on their pole wins immunity. Got it? Okay – it’s Story Time!

The story is about one of the most popular figures in Mayan mythology, Salma Hayek. Sorry. That’s one of the most popular figures in my mythology. One of the most popular figures in Mayan mythology is Celine Dion, aka the moon goddess. She was the creator of Hugo Weaving, and married to a guy who was the creator of the Mayan culture. They had a son, then got three more from Fred MacMurray. The sons played the four corners offense until the shot clock was instituted. But Celine got divorced, and then remarried the earth god, Voltron. Voltron was a transformer who was turned into a god. But Celine was a ho, and she started having an affair with the sun god, cause apparently the gods didn’t do anything except screw around all day, which is good work if you can get it. However, this torked off Celine’s granddad, who started throwing lightning around, killing her, though not so badly that dragonflies couldn’t bring her back to life, and really, if dragonflies can bring you back to life, how dead can you be, and when she came back to life she started hosing the sun god again, and then she got tired of that and began sleeping around with the sun god’s brother, the morning star, and when the sun god asked her about it on Springer she was all “But I love you baby” and he was all “I know you’re fucking around on me” and she was all “No way baby I wouldn’t do that” and he was all “But my brother told me” and she was all “Okay, maybe I’m fucking him, but I love only you baby” and he was like “Talk to the sun hand” and banished her, so now she spends her nights alone cause who wants her when she can’t be trusted not to fuck any god in sight and the sun has a blast all day hanging out in, uhm, himself. The end.

Steph mouths the words along with him, searing the tale into her memory. Or not. Because once the story is finished, Steph, along with Judd, miss the first question she goes to answer. All hail the New Jersey public education system!

Lydia gets her first question, What was Celine Dion’s first album?, right. Gary correctly answers his first question, Where does Celine Dion have a permanent stage show?. Rafe answers What Disney movie is Fred MacMurray most famous for doing?. Other questions are Which movie did not feature Hugo Weaving?, Who invented the four corner offense?, and Does Duke suck?.

And so we are treated to shots of survivors running back and forth from question stations to poles, with Gary and Rafe neck and neck. Neither of them misses a question, but it comes down to the fact that Gary’s last question station is the farthest from the poles, and Rafe’s last question station is close to the polls, and Rafe makes it back first, winning immunity, and guaranteeing Gary’s demise.

Back from break, we get Rafe talking about how no one would ever have thought this little gay Mormon could win three immunities. He adds that growing up he never saw someone who looked and acted gay win immunity. I mean, be athletic and do well in competition.

Judd and Steph are talking about how they have a great alliance and how they have such great trust in each other. Steph in confessional says it’s a dream almost come true, because last time she was so powerless and this time she is so powerful. She thinks it might be too easy.

We then get the obligatory misdirection, as Lydia complains that she is no longer useful and that she will probably be going home tonight. Gary also feels that he is a big enough threat that he will be booted instead of Lydia or Danni. He says that he will attack the next avenue and try to stay around. This involves approaching Rafe, who concedes that he doesn’t really trust Steph, but that he trusts her more than others. We get a storm, what Steph refers to as a Jersey storm, and we get Judd saying that Lydia is lost and needs to go and that Gary is running around like a lunatic trying to put something together.

So cut to tribal council. Jeff brings Jamie and Bobby Jon is as members of the jury. Probst opens with picking at Lydia about the reward challenge. Lydia still has resentment, and she talks about Steph and says Steph is running the camp. Steph doesn’t appreciate this, and says so.

Probst then turns to Gary for his opinion. Gary, knowing he is meat, has apparently decided to go down swinging. First, he makes the observation that there are people in the tribe that are starstruck by Steph and want her autograph, causing an immediate reaction from Bobby Jon and Jamie.

Sorry, wrong pic. That was a shot from when Bobby Jon and Jamie first came into the jury box. Here's the shot of Bobby Jon and Jamie reacting to Gary's comments.

Steph rolls her eyes at this as Probst asks Cindy if she is happy with how she played the game. She says yes. Judd, asked the same question, says he is too. In response to another question, he says he hasn’t lied. He says he is going to start because everyone around him is lying, but that he is in trouble because he is a damned bad liar.

Truer words, never spoken.

But the others laugh, as if they agree. All except Gary. Probst asks Judd to talk about the lies of others, and once again, Judd rails on Gary for lying. This is the third time he’s hit on it, and once again he shows that what he feels is lying is the fact that Gary said he didn’t think Lydia and Cindy deserved to be there (cue shocked reactions from Lydia and Cindy) but then turned around and tried to convince Lydia and Cindy to be in an alliance with him.

You know, it occurs to me that maybe Judd is a bad liar because he doesn’t know what the word means. So, although it is extremely unlikely Judd is reading this, or, in fact, reading anything, let’s go to the dictionary:

Liar: One that tells lies.

Lies: False statements deliberately presented as being true; falsehoods.

There you have it. Considering what Judd is complaining about, Gary hasn’t lied. Which, of course, is incredibly ironic, because Judd is correct, he just doesn’t know it. Yet. Gary is the biggest liar in camp – he’s lied about his name and profession the whole time. He has denied repeatedly being a former NFL quarterback, thus ensuring that he will get at least one whole segment at the upcoming reunion.

And, speaking of the NFL and Survivor, did everyone see the news reports that Jimmy Johnson is such a big Survivor fan that he submitted an audition tape and that CBS seriously considered him, ultimately rejecting him because he worked for another network. This saddens me, because I really would have loved to see how his hair stayed the same even though his body was wasting away. Good times that. Good times.

But I digress.

Gary is as confused about Judd’s statement as I am, and explains, rather accurately, that his statements to Judd about Cindy and Lydia weren’t lies. Gary then takes out a knife, stabs it in Judd’s back, and twists it. He does so by saying “That’s not a lie – this is a lie. The idol is on the ground.” Judd backs down immediately, but the damage is done. Probst asks Gary to elaborate, and Gary does. He tells how Judd told everyone that the idol was on the ground when in fact it was in the trees. Rafe looks stunned and angry, Cindy looks intrigued, Judd looks uncomfortable, and Steph, if people were paying attention, betrays the fact that she knew of the idol location by looking down at her feet. When confronted with the fact that he lied, Judd says “I told you I was a bad liar.”

Truer words, never spoken. Truer words.

Oh well. Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

Six Gary, one Cindy. The only real question was who would get the one, and for some reason Gary sent it Cindy’s way. I don’t really blame him – there is a lot I’d like to send Cindy’s way, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Gary slinks off into the jungle, and Jeff says it is apparent that no one is going down without a fight.

I again think of Cindy.

And so we grab torches and head back to camp. Next time Danni feels pressure, Lydia puts a move on Judd, and the tribe is shocked by something that Rafe says “Is so random!” We fade into the Vegas skyline with Gary telling us that he really is Gary Hogeboom, though why he would want to admit to that is beyond me.

¶ 10:54 PM