Survivor Guatemala: Episode Eight It's A Southern Thang

by TeamJoisey


Previously on Survivor:

The BobbyJonBoy Tribe won a ribbon twirling challenge worthy of Martha Stewart’s Apprentice. That reward let them move through the treetops with Judd’s relatives and clog their bowels with chocolate. They invited the Stephi Tribe to come to a pool party, where Jamie began his long campaign to go home immediately and Stephi stopped whining for a whole 10 minutes. At the immunity challenge, two unthinkable events happened: Steph was instrumental in victory, and Rafe hugged a woman. Burnett spent 10 minutes teasing us with a possible elimination for BillyJackBobJon, only to close with the easily predictable ouster of the one-legged Sahgent Amy of the Blue States. And then, THEN Jiffy sprung the surprise of the season: a never-before seen twist where they merge two tribes of five … into one tribe of 10!

What could happen next?? Roll the credits, watch Cindy’s wet ass, who the hell is Morgan, and where the hell is Andrew Savage?


Commercials
Crest put Clorox on duct tape, and they’re charging 35 dollars a box… JC Penney is having their bi-weekly Biggest Sale of the Year… Verizon’s creepy multiple-stalker and incestuously named Family Share Plan follows your daughter home from the mall, and follows your androgynous male child to the Hellfire Club where he will hammer nails through his scrotum… We all love to go out to overpay at restaurants. But now you can pay restaurant prices for crappy frozen dinners from Stouffer’s Corner Bistro, which you’ll eat alone because you are a miserable socially retarded turd who would otherwise have to sit alone at a restaurant. But at least you can moan orgasmically while you stuff your face with microwaved rubber shrimp… Kodak has a new digital camera that shoots stills and – get this marketing ploy – “TV quality video.” As if we all strive to match the fine cinematography of Family Feud… Nice & Easy hair color lets you paint parts of your head to match the garish parts previously painted… Tim Allen’s movie “Christmas with the Kranks” sucked last year. Buy it on DVD now and you can start a new family tradition that everyone will resent… It must be November sweeps, because FBI Agent Rob Morrow and his calculator cyborg brother are gonna stop terrists who release toxins in the Los Angeles subway. Three things: a release of toxins would only improve the air in LA, an attack on the LA subway would be a blessing, and dweebish Rob Morrow is in the FBI? Uh-huh…


On with the show. It’s night time at Camp Stephi-love. Everyone is dreaming of a million dollars, and a shower. BobbiJoBilliJoBettyJo and his band of losers wander into Stephi-land intending to act stupid and subservient. Unlike their previous intellectually stimulating and completely dominant strategy of just sucking. BobbyJack&Diane says he can’t be around Stephi because he wants to vomit, which explains a lot about the first episode. He can’t be around Jamie because he wants to knock him out, which explains the “Big Balls Shoutdown” in a previous episode.
We can’t be too far from whipping out the Southern Man Penis Ruler, with graduated increments of 1, 2, 5, 7, 8 and 9.

Eventually, the newcomers arrive and pass out. Buffs. Inexplicably, some Stephites are surprised by a merge. Stephi whines. Ever-hospitable Jamie invites them to sleep on the ground outside the shelter. BillyJoBobbiSue says if Jamie says another word he’ll knock the teeth “slam outta yo haid.” (It’s a Southern Thang.)

The next morning, BobbyJackJackieO, NotBartStarr and Branded begin accumulating firewood for the sneering Stephites, who lounge around camp. The workers return with a large collection of kindling, which some have referred to as Danni. In confessional, Dannirexic says they are being treated like slaves. Branded says he thinks he might be on the chopping block. Yup, ten minutes into the broadcast, and the bootee has been identified. Fast forward…

Next time, on Survivor:

Yeah, you wish it were that easy.
But I couldn’t skip the riveting and heartbreaking “Stand Motionless for an Hour Challenge.” Or the breathtaking excitement of aimless wandering in the woods while looking for a rock in a tree. Yeah, sure Branded goes home. But all in good time, my pretties. All in good time.

Crock-mail arrives, and Rafe gets all fluttery and excited to see a basket with a new flag and some paints for decorating. There is also an extremely wordy note.

Here’s the professionally edited version, edited professionally by a professional journalist, who really ought to be concentrating on the fact that it’s almost election day:

Pick a name, paint a flag.
And Home Depot can help.
Look for a rock in the woods.
Watch Without A Trace on CBS.
The rock is hard to find.
You can find Pringles in your grocer’s snack display.
The rock has special powers.
Much like The Ghost Whisperer, on CBS.
The special magic rock will give you insurance.
Geico can save you 15 percent on car insurance.
You can use the special rock at any time.
You can use Verizon’s Family Share Plan at any time.
If you find the rock, you can keep it a secret.
Secret is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Once we reach the final four, you can’t use the rock.
Once college basketball reaches the Final Four, Survivor switches to Wednesday on CBS.
If you don’t find the rock, you could go home.
And appear on the The Early Show, on CBS.


Back at camp, Lydia-putian reads the note to the assembled morons. Stephi is particularly surprised and interested to hear there is something six inches long and very hard hidden in the woods. Lots of meaningful looks exchanged, which means nothing. And the losers spread out through all of Guatemala looking for a stupid little rock, a Mini-Idol that is like the pocket Swiss army knife of immunity.
On top of the ruins. In the crevices of the ruins. In the piles of leaves. Ten minutes of people wandering around looking for something they’ve never seen.



And lots of confessionals about how important it will be to find the damn thing. WorseThanFranTarkenton says he’s not going to prance into camp if he finds it. (That would be Rafe’s job.) Branded says he has a big target on his head. And that explains the Indiana Jones hat.

And then it starts to rain. So we get more shots of people walking around in the rain, looking for the stupid Mini-Idol.

While they are out on the search, BobbyRiggsBillieJean meets with St. Stephenie of the Turnpike, and begs for the opportunity to finish ninth. Yeah, ninth. He tells her that he just wants to be on the jury. Steph says she wants him on the jury too, and he deserves to be on the jury. Normal people would understand she just said “I want you on the jury so you’ll vote for me, but you certainly don’t deserve better than a jury seat.” BobBobaRan is not normal people.

Stephi promise to do everything in her power to make sure that Branded “goes first.” And you, you brainless ape, will go next. They hug to seal their deal, and then go off to vomit.

We go off to sell some fine products:
If you buy a new Chevy, tin antelopes will stalk you… An infected chicken wants you to know there’s a big sale at Kohl’s… If you use Visa to buy holiday gifts, they will expand to 100 times the original size. My wife’s buying me a new dick … Dell’s new computer sales pitch is trying to be as cool as an iPod. Failing miserably… T-Mobile and a guy who won’t shut up… CSI: The Messiah… Without a Trace in Mexico: Girls Gone. No, just gone. Sorry, Dweeze… President Bartlet is going to appear on Odd Couple and a Brat, but first he needs to remind us about the quality movies he used to make but no longer makes because he sold his soul to the crass commercialism of television.


It is Day 20, and Lydiaputian urges the group to come up with a new name. They settle on Shaquille, and Lydiot paints the flag. She declares the group one big happy tribe. Except for those four slaves who await execution, of course.



And the search for Mini-Idol continues. Jamie wants to find it just to keep it from the slaves because that would “put a hurtin on ma plan.” (It’s a Southern Thang.)

Big Dudd decides he can find it with his penis. BenJi laments that he can’t find it. I’m sick of the damn thing already. Jamie and Dudd search, then give up. Rafe whines about not being able to find anything, but he does manage to stick his hand in a hornet’s nest. He says that’s a signal from the Mayan Gods that he’s not supposed to find the idol.


Since Rafe is the least likely, the least threatening, and the least in need of immunity, it is a pretty good bet he finds the idol sometime in the next three episodes. But not tonight. Oh hell no. Tonight we’re just going to pad the episode with footage of people wandering aimlessly in the woods staring at the ground while the Mini-Idol taunts them.

Stephi whines about the lack of a merge feast. Lydia whines, Jamie whines. Dannirexic whines about the whining. NotJoeMontanaEither decides to go fishing, in case a fish swallowed the Mini-Idol.

He ties some elaborate flies, and heads off to the canoe. In a move of stunning strategic ignorance, he is joined on this fishing excursion by fellow slaves Dannirexic, Branded and BobbaLoo.

While they are gone, the others gorge on hidden chocolate, lick up the last of the honey, denigrate the slaves, and cast lots for their garments. Jamie says the decision to go fishing is a slap in the face. In fact, I’m certain he’s so insulted he would refuse to eat any fish they bring back. Dudd, yes, even Dudd says he can’t believe they were dumb enough to leave camp together.



The NoClue alliance plots their next strategery, to eliminate Branded, PortaJon and then Dannirexic, in order. Naïve little Rafe suddenly realizes he is a member of the Axis of Evil. And it turns out the little clown doesn’t like bashing people. He? Will never write a summary here.

Meanwhile, aboard the Amistad, the former Yaxha whine about how much Stephenie bitches, and how all the rest of the NoClue tribe complains all day. Yes, more whining about complaining. They’d like to row back to their old camp just to get away from the Steph infection. And back at Camp Mayasma, the six slaveowners reaffirm their vow of unity, and settle on a plan to be the final six.



Coming soon to a theatre near you; Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Effects Supervisor from Lord of The Rings… speaking of an axis of evil, Garth Brooks is hooking up with Wal-Mart… The Corpse Whisperer, starring Jennifer Love ToDoIt with corpses… CSI:NY&FLA, now they suck together… Letterman’s exploding pumpkin… oooh flashy lights for some indistinguishable Pontiac… A lawyer who tells the truth, for a bank that cares about customers… Mike Bloomberg, America’s Best Republican, wants to buy some more votes… Local news blurb, and thank goodness we return to find…


A pool party.
The little deck is anchored off Judd’s Beach, land of quicksand, and it is the perfect little cage for gator chow. Sadly, the gators are on the outside. Our “contestants” are just standing around, laying around, lounging around, waiting for tree mail. Even they are describing this episode as boring. BobbingJonnycakes has a short confessional where he tells us that he doesn’t think the NoClue alliance is going to be the final six. Who says he’s dumb?

Finally, the tree mail arrives, along with a few clay pots. And a po-em.

“Wanna look stupid? Here’s what you do:
Put a buff on your head, put a clay pot on too.
Stand in one place, don’t flinch and don’t twitch.
Don’t listen to Jamie, southern sumafabich.
Your teammates are eatin’, you eye what they’re doin’
And then you must walk up this big ancient ruin.
If you lose your clay pot, well then such is your doom.
Be grateful you’re not that old hack Hogeboom.

They practice balancing clay pots. Yawn. Branded is determined to win the immunity challenge. Dannirexic says something about a body part being cone shaped. And thank God for saline, because those implants are the only preventing this woman from floating off with the breeze.





Off we go to the Temple of Challenges,
where high priest Jeffy Probate awaits in that SAME DAMN BLUE SHIRT. Also waiting there is a big spread of barbecued chicken, fruit, rolls, wine and other merge feast comestibles.


Jeff takes back the Jacko Sexual Molestation Immunity Doll and reveals the Immunity Necklace, which looks vaguely patriotic.




Jeffy asks about the merge. Jamie makes another crack about newcomers sleeping outside. BoJackson spits at Jamie’s feet. CindyBraidy complains about not getting any attention, and not getting food when they merged.

Jeffy offers them food, with a twist. They can sit out the challenge and eat … IF they don’t think they need immunity.

Rafe, Stephi, Lydiaputian and Jamie choose to skip the challenge and go eat. The slaves; Dannirexic, WishesHeWasJimMcMahon, Branded and BobbyPeterMarciaJan chose to do the challenge. Dudd and CindyBraidy also decide to do the challenge, quite possibly because they are, by all estimation, complete imbeciles.



Here’s the challenge: Put a pot on your head. Stand on a block of wood. Don’t touch the pot. If the pot falls, you are out. If nobody moves for an hour, we go to a tiebreaker. In effect, the challenge is to stand motionless. These are the action-packed moments I have to deal with.

While the poseurs pose, the arrogant eaters begin to feast. Jamie begins taunting BeckyTomHuckFinn in some Good Ol’ Big Boy Southern Dumb-unity Challenge.

Jamie: Imma gwan chowme eatum. Branded he be daid. I spect Judd our leader.

BobbyJon: I kin count two one.

Jamie: Why you say dat rite now?

BobbyJon: Ah keen an ah wool and ah won’t too.

Jeff: Looks like you are still two tribes.

Jamie: Bobby Jon, you knowd you hada win imooniddy, now you givin’ me shit.

BobbyJon: When you start goin off at da mouth I aint gonna letya big boy me.

(I ‘spect Kimmah will come along ritecheer to tell y’all whut day ment. And who won. Damned if I know. It’s a Southern Thang. The only one I understand is Joisey Judd.)

Actual quote from Jeff:
You are 30 minutes in.
Never has 30 minutes seemed so long.

Jamie goes back to taunting BobbyJayBird. Rafe pleads with him to stop because it just doesn’t seem right to make the slaves feel so bad. Rafe never lived in Alabama, I be guessing.

When the hour ends, the feast has been devoured, and only Dannirexic has dropped her pot. Dudd, CindyBraidy, NotAsGoodAsDannyWhite, Branded and BeeBobALula have to do the tiebreaker. Jeff takes them over to the pyramid, where they have to race to the top while balancing the pot. It’s a pretty steep pyramid, with crumbly old steps. I’m looking at it wondering if anyone can possibly succeed. I’m also pondering whether that climb is tougher with a pot on, or on pot. If I knew how to insert those funky poll graphics, this would be the right spot, rite cheer. I did hear Jeff say “No hands can touch your pot at any time,” and I thought to myself, “C’mon… pass it, dood.”

So they race to the top. And despite 14 straight years displaying a total inability to move under pressure, NotJoeTheismannEither practically runs to the top of the ruins without so much as flinching. Or felching.

Jeff throws the Dubya Necklace around the neck of NotEvenJoePisarcik, and sends them all back to camp to ponder the upcoming vote.


Holy Shit! I think that’s Morgan in commercial. Or is it Brooke, or Jenn? I don’t know, but it’s some generic blonde for Old Navy jeans…. A trailer for the upcoming movie: Harry Potter and the C-Cup of a Hot Best Friend… Salsa music and beautiful shots of the white sand beach in Puerto Rico, which earlier this year used to be in Cancun, and before that, the Cayman Islands… A guy drops his credit card bill, follows it into a vent, and winds up inside John Malkovich’s head… Identity chips for your dog (Didn’t Fido read George Orwell’s 13,888?… Another upcoming movie: Donnie Darko goes to War… CSI investigates a virgin birth in Las Vegas, focusing on the remote possibility of actual virgins in Las Vegas… CBS has aliens on Threshold… and a promo for Tuesday’s two-hour Amazing Race, which may have started by the time I finish this summary.


We return to camp, and the Axis of Dweezil has run off the axel. Dudd is berating Jamie for eating, and for running his mouth at the challenge. Goodness, is this an opening? Might the evil plan disintegrate before our eyes? Will Survivor 11 avoid the great Pagongathon?


Well, no. But the slaves begin to work on the other Evil Slaveholders, trying to convince them to oust Jamie the ignorant obnoxious redneck with the big mouth, and to keep Branded, the ignorant obnoxious redneck with the big hat and BobbyBobbyBo-ObbyFeeFiFoFobby, the ignorant obnoxious redneck with the big name.

CindyBraidy says Jamie has no class. Dudd says Jamie has no class. Rafe says Jamie has no class. He says he can’t continue to sleep with Jamie and still respect himself. Rafe also says he’s been sleeping with The Devil, which might make someone in our little Circle pretty nervous.

Steph and Dudd tell BjandtheBear that they really hate Jamie’s guts. Cut to Jamie informing BigJohnson and Branded that it’s unfortunate, but “Branded is going home tonight and thass it.” Jamie continues to taunt BJ, trying to get someone to say they want to send Jamie home. He even says, “we’re all good farm boys.”

This part was starting to give me the creeps. Even the howler monkeys started to move away. So it’s best if we move on. Let’s just say that the Farmboy Penis Contest may have been in session. It was, most certainly, A Southern Thang.

After Jamie wanders away, BillyJoel tells Branded that the other NoClue bozos are ready to send Jamie home. Branded says he’s gonna crap his pants. Later he says he’s been mentally prepared to go home, he goes off looking for the Mini-Idol, and damn he won’t shut up in these damn confessionals. We get it already, the producers are giving him the big goodbye. Let’s get on with it.

Now we cut to NotJohnElwayInAnyWay trying to convince Rafe to do the right thing and vote for Jamie. I’d like him to convince Rafe to do the right thing, and put that shirt back on. Dannirexic is working on CindyBraidy, which in some context might be a good thing. Here, it is simply more Weapons of MisDirection from Evil Pecker Mark Burnett.

Finally, they all trudge off to Tribal Council, with one last confessional from CindyBraidy, who is ready to assume a narrator role from Branded, the Dead DAW Walking. She tells us her heart wants to vote for Jamie, but she “promised the Number of Six that she’d vote for Brandon like they decided. It’s not about who you care the most about because at some point you gotta get rid of everybody if you’re gonna win.” And then she gives us the “I won’t know until I write the name on the piece of paper.” Does Burn-it put that trite phrase in the contract?

Finally, finally, Tribal Council.

And Jeff starts the questions.

JP: Rafe, at the challenge today, were you hard when Jamie was bein’ all macho about your alliance?

Rafe: Later tonight I’m gonna hold it against him. Is that naïve? I want us all to respect each other in the morning. That’s why I get frustrated.

JP: BobbyJon do you want to add some ignorance?

BJ: I thut that was no class. Yeah woo woo woo. That’s no class.

Jamie: I got class. And mine’s bigger.

BJ: Man, just shut up dude.

Jamie: No class is when you did sumpin to somebody about sumpin and that was Brian and y’all dude.

BJ: I’m 28 years old and I’m gonna act like it. And I don know whut yer sayin.

Jamie: I’ma whut gonna say yer not sayin.

Stephenie: shut up you assholes.

Jamie: No one says I have no class, that’s just disrespectful. I didn’t disrepect him like dat. We’ll see who’s the bigger man in the Testicles-By-The-Square-Yard Challenge.
I? Have a big penis. And THAT’s a Southern Thang!

Brandon thinking: (He IS a big dick. Keep going asshole, and save me!)

JP: CindyBraidy, why the fuck were you in the challenge? An extreme weight loss plan? Or are you just too stupid and stubborn, like that fat oaf from Joisey?

Cindy: I can eat fried chicken in LoserLodge next week, but I’ll never get another chance to hold a clay pot on my head for an hour. And it broke my heart to realize that nobody in my alliance even noticed I was there. I will not be IGNORED, Dan. I know how to boil bunnies!! Ya know, maybe I am an idiot.

JP: Gary Hogeboom, NFL quarterback, can I get your autograph? And don’t you think that arrogant asshole Jamie oughta be sent out on an option wide right on a count of three hut hut hut?

Gary: I think everybody should vote with their heart and not within their carefully crafted strategy to move forward in the game. Because by now, all the viewers know revealed strategies are doomed to complete failure. Much like my career as an NF… landscaper.

JP: Cindy, I’ve recently noticed that you seem to have been cast in the show. Since we know nothing about you except that your ass is the best part of the opening montage, could you come back to my tent and help me squeeze my little Berry? Consider it a Mini-Immunity Challenge; as in “Let’s see if she’s immune to chlamydia.”

Cindy: I used to have morals. But I slept with Paula Abdul to get on this show, and I’ll lie down with pigs like Jamie if it means I get a few more minutes of television.

JP: Well, duh. Now, does anyone have anything six inches long and rock hard that they’d like to show me? No? OK fine. But tomorrow we’re doing the shower cam again.

OK, let’s vote. Gary Hogeboom, NFL millionaire, has a bye in this round of the playoffs, and is not eligible to be drafted. So get to it, vote out Branded so he can put his hat back on. He’s scarin’ the monkeys.

They vote. Jamie says he respects Brandon and is sorry he has to go. BobbyJonJonFitzgeraldKennedy votes for Jamie, and says Jamie is not a southern gentleman and has no class at all. And he has a tiny penis. CindyBraidy is shown pensively staring at her ballot before she casts the last vote.

Jiffy Probe collects the Urn of Mayan Sacrifice and tallies the votes.

Brandon. Brandon.
Jamie. Jamie.
Brandon.
Jamie.
Brandon.
Jamie.
Brandon.
… and the last vote is, SURPRISE! For Brandon.

He collects his torch, shakes hands with the other doomed Yaxhavians, and gives Dannirexic a hug, and a quiet whispered farewell: “You’re the sister I never had… to chase into the hayloft for some quick animal sex when she was 13.”

A quick Jiffysnuff, and Branded walks away, hat in hand, with a mournful “Good luck guys.”

Dannirexic has tears. Or her saline is leaking out through her face. Stephi has a self-satisfied little smile. Jeff reminds them all that they’ve at least made the jury, completing the BoboJon career arc. They take their torches, and head back to camp. Well, except for CindyBraidy, who has an appointment to get some penicillin and late night injection.
Febreeze moment, from Branded’s grandma: “Hi sweetheart! The sheep are really lonely and can’t wait until you get back!”






A fat guy motionless on the living room floor, for the new Febreeze Defibrillator… Sprint and Nextel are turning two phone companies into one company. Somehow 2-1= more choices … Pontiac continues to try and sell the Torrent without making the car truly visible in the advertising, but if you see a Survivor whore in one of them, you might get chlamydia… Bruce Willis is on Letterman… Some crappy TV disaster movie this Sunday, in which George Washington’s face is blown off Mt. Rushmore, presumably to make room for George W. Bush…

Next time, on Survivor:

Jamie and BJ continue the Peckerhead Pecker-off which is, of course A Southern Thang, the losers keep looking for the Mini-Idol, and Judd vomits… again… this time in the shelter.









And in the inimitable words of my Joisey brother:

“It’s all a blur to me, man.”  ¶ 12:59 AM