Survivor Episode 10: Let the backstabbing begin by: Beannie

And now we begin yet another week of the TV Empire that is Survivor. An empire gone the way of the Mayan Kings. (Did someone use that already? I don't recall but it's obvious, and so probably, and if so, I apologize profusely and give ample credit where due. In fact, I hereby profusely apoligize for any jokes and or references duplicative of the efforts of the Circle Of. And, double in fact, any such duplications are unintentional and are to be viewed as homages to said Circle that I will undoubtedly claim after the fact was the true intent all along.)

Immediately upon viewing this episode, which, if you didn't notice – and you might not have, had you not been tasked with writing the summary thereof - was devoid of any humor whatsoever. I mean, there is only so much mileage one can get out of Lydia crawling through the mud like a piglet looking for home. The family videos episode? Ugh. Gary doesn't even mention the NFL? And I traded for this week! Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by my own pity party – Immediately upon viewing this episode, I needed a good dose of funny, so I turned on a tivo'ed episode of Drawn Together, an animated "reality" show. If you haven't seen this show, please take this quiz to see if you should.

Personality Assessent
I don't like potty jokes and think such humor is unacceptable for anyone over the age of 11.
I am under the age of 18.
I think there are certain things in this world that are beyond reproach and off limits for a laugh.
I have no moral compass of which to speak.
Current results

If you answered "B," you should under NO circumstances watch that show. Come to think of it, you shouldn't be here either! Go do your homework! And if anyone asks, you did NOT learn the term corpse-fucker from us!

All of you who answered "D" may watch. As for the rest of you (minus the minors, who are asked to return sometime between reaching legal maturity and actual maturity), proceed with caution. Ok, now that we have weeded out society's desirables, let's continue, shall we?

I was watching Drawn Together, and fell asleep soon after with a head full of funnies sadly all related to Drawn Together and none to Survivor. But I dreamt, blissfully, of an island inhabited not by the drab and boring creatures charading as entertainment in the form of competitors, but by the colorful and hilarious bunch better known as the Drawn Together cast.

I just knew there HAD to be a way to make this Survivor episode funny. However, I couldn’t just write my dream, right? It had to be at least tangentially related to the Survivor episode. What resulted is my imagination of how Mark Burnett could save this series – replace the entire cast with characters from Drawn Together. Thus, I give you:

Drawn Together: Guatamala



Meet the Cast:

CAPTAIN GARY Playing ex-NFL tackling dummy Gary Hawkins, nee Hogeboom, is our usually good-natured, yet often dim and self-absorbed Captian Hero. The lamest superhero ever playing the lamest Cowboys quarterback ever. Nice fit, dontcha think?





PRINCESS STEPH - Let’s face it, the Stephanie role can be played by none other than Princess Clara, Steph’s animated doppleganger. I’d really call it a draw on who plays the Princess role better. Steph may have all the charm beauty and snobbishness as Clara, and sure, Clara’s a big-time PITA, what with her bullshit “morals” and racist diatribes and all. But Steph has no octipussy. Or does she? Never mind. I don’t think I want to know. But, do you?

So, do you want to know?
Yes, I can't go another day without knowing what lurks in Steph's underpants.
No, and I'll thank you not to bring it up again.
Octopussy? WTF? James Bond is on Survivor?
Current results

SPANKY JUDD - To play the loquacious jackal Judd, there is but one choice: Spanky Hamm, the portly, devilish miscreant with a penchant for porn and public urination.




LYD LYD - Where to cast Ling-Ling became the sticky wicket in all of this, in that none of the Survivors possesses super battle powers or speaks Japanese. However, we did locate one castaway who fit the physical description, right down to the orange skin. But, to be fair to the others, our poor magical trading card monster had to be stripped of his powers. And, thus, I give you Lyd-Lyd.

XANDIR/RAFE - Rafe replaced by Xandir. Need I say more? (ok, if you don't know Xandir, he's "an attractive, young, hairless video game warrior on a never-ending quest to save his "girlfriend." He has plus five sensitivity and his special move is being fabulous!) Besides, how much weirder a name is Xandir than Rafe really? See, isn’t this working out perfectly? (Ok, not so much, read on)



DANNI LOVE - As for the new role for Foxxy Love, there was a tough choice between Danni and Cindy. But seeing as Danni is the producers’ choice for gratuitous butt shots (see: reward challenge sequence below) and tit shots (see: any of Danni's confesssionals), it was a pretty clear call.




CRAZIE JAMIE (aka Testosterone Toot) Jamie was the toughest casting call. But luckily it was a single performance only. Replacing Jamie is the one, the only, Toot Brauenstein. Heh, at least they share a level of paranoia and insanity experienced by only the very few. So, I’ll be referring to him as both Testosterone Toot and/or Crazie Jamie, at my pleasure and whim. Just remember to picture him like this.

Then, I had to decide if Cindy should be played by Wooldoor Sockbat, described as a "wacky, winsome whatchamacallit that is desperate to entertain and desperate to be liked. He can morph, split in two and basically become any profession he needs to be. The one thing he can't become is anybody's friend because he is really freakin' annoying." But seeing as this is my favorite DT character, and I only just learned/realized Ms. Cindy has a bit of a drawl THIS week, I opted to give the honor to our first Jury member, Booby John (thanks, Kim). Come on, the resemblance is uncanny, no?

Well is it or isn't it?
Now that you mention it ...
What kind of drugs are you on?
Whatever drugs you are on, I want the name of your guy.
Current results

CINDY - So, Cindy is just Cindy, filling time just in case the subject of coffee comes up. Not in a product placement kind of way or anything - just, you know, by chance.







So, anyway, through this summary, picture the cast looking like this:



Night 24

After having cast off Booby Jon (I only have to shout out once, right?), the members of the merged tribe now known as Phlegm (which is the only thing I can conger in my mind –and throat - when I try to pronounce “Xhakum”) return from tribal council.

Captain Gary, finder of the hidden immunity idol and the luckiest son-of-a-bitch this side of Amber on All-Stars, is being confronted by Crazie Jamie, the craziest son-of-a-bitch since Robb-with-2-b’s. First, Jamie has to brak (tm Landru) at Cindy about the vote she got from Gary, which apparently did not bother Cindy. But the whole bru-ha-ha about it sure did. Southern women’s drawls are always the sure tell when their pissed.

Crazie Jamie accuses Gary of calling him a liar, which was not at all an accurate reflection of the conversation as it appeared to transpire. The castaways all question Jamie’s sanity. Spanky Judd makes the million dollar observation that “Jamie just says things because he says it” and also believes Jamie is losing it – and not in the good, Tom Cruise/Shelly Long way either.


DAY 25

The survivors are on their way to the reward challenge, and happen upon a field which resembles a post-rainstorm Phish Festival.



It is here that Jeff announces the Reward Challenge will take place. And announce he does:



“And then there were eight. Four men four women. Today’s challenge is for reward. Here’s how it works. You will be divided into two teams, one pair of men, one pair of women on each team. (And It’s here where each survivor prays to their respective higher being not to be on Lyd-Lyd’s team) Each pair will be attached by a rope. Moving one pair at a time, you will race through a deep mud pit, as well as a series of obstacles. You’ll go over the first obstacle, under the second, over the third obstacle. At the end, you’ll find pots filled with corn . Grab a pot and head back over the same obstacles. One you make it back to your mat, empty your corn into your finish pot while the other pair heads out. The first tribe (oopsie!) to fill their pot to the white line, wins reward. (emphsis in original)

Ver-fucking-batim. I’d swear he was announcing the invasion of Baghdad. Does he understand this is an hour long show? He either takes himself way too seriously or realizes his show is merely a joke of the former joke if a once great show it once was.

The reward? A helicopter ride to a private home where they will enjoy a shower (I would hope so), laundry, pj’s and wake to the aroma of a hot steaming pot of Folger’s coffee. What the Fuck? Folgers? is not coffee. A pale, weak poseur imitation of coffee, perhaps, but NOT coffee. It’s the shit you drink on your camping trip because you forgot to bring the grinder for your whole bean blend. This is a reward how? And just when you thought it couldn’t get crueler, there is no mention of food! Lord, how I hope the family that puts them up gets to eat a five course meal in front of them and they get nothing. I’m evil that way, and don’t pretend you’re not.

The teams are divided:

Spanky/Xandir/Cindy/Lyd-Lyd

versus

Captain Gary/Crazie Jamie/Danny Love/Princess Steph

And they’re off. It takes all of two seconds for the contestants to get covered head to toe in mud and, more than likely, other and sundry natural mud-like deposits found in the midst of the animal kingdom. Mmmm. Ok, so I take back my no food comment. Plenty of organic "food" in there.

What ensues is a montage of eight survivor contestant reconsidering what a million dollars (after taxes) is really worth as they slosh through the mud tied to a competitor whose throat they would likely slit for that said mil. And numerous gratuitous butt shots of Danni Love. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And a bunck of brackity-brak-brak (tm Landru) from Jeff telling us exactly what we are seeing. At some point, Jeff indicates strategy was coming into play. What, they survivors realized they had to get done first? Run through mud and over and under posts, get corn pot, run through mud and over and under posts, don’t spill the corn, get done first. Oh, so THIS is where the outwit part comes in.

First the men and the dynamic duo of Captain Gary and Spanky quickly fall behind The lithe Xandir and Testosterone Toot. The lady and the tramp (you get to choose who is who) hand off a sizable lead to Lyd Lyd & “Cindy.” But how completely unfair to “Cindy”. It’s like asking a Dad to 3-legged race with his 6 year old son at the family reunion. They were doomed from the start – or at least as soon as Lyd-Lyd decided it was time for some yoga in the form of downward facing dog in mud. Princess Steph and Danni Love, arguably stronger than their male teammates – aging NFL-never-was and city boy with a penchant for twinkies – bring it home for their team.

As the testoterone surges, Crazie Jamie insists to Cindy and her dead weight that they’re not going to let a little thing like the competition being OVER stop them. “We’re still gonna finish. We’re still gonna finish. Let’s go! It’s worth doing right if we’re gonna do it” Cindy’s drawl gets more pronounced.

An incredibly muddy helicopter ride, Danni's expressed fear of the mirror and Steph's royal proclaimation of “best.day.ever” later, the fantasic four touch down at Louie’s Place. Poor Louie. I sure hope he didn't get sucked into this without mucho dinero in compensation. I am certain these filthy, terra-cotta caked beings gave Louie a whole new impression of the word “ugly Americans.”

The first thing they see is food. Ah, but of course, what’s Survivor without buffet table chock full of exotic food. This is the outlast part. Although I can’t say I’m sorry Danni is getting some calories into her.

Showers are had by all. (Ok, so Jaime wasn't really there, but the picture was too good to pass up) Judd decides to shower as it is supposed to be done – naked. Thankfully, the editors blurred Spanky's spanker and instead concentrated on additional gratuitous Danni Love butt shots.

Princess Steph narrates this winners’ excursion by expounding on the virtues of her new “cool kids clique” and how they are they best foursome to enjoy the reward together – She and Danni are quite alike, seeing as they both are all that and a bag of chips. Gary is an awesome, genuine guy and she has been best buds with Judd since day one. Chill, Stephie, it's like I'm, like, reading a page from your, like, junior high diary. Steph and Danni Love get closer than any of us thought they would.


Back at camp with the losers:

Lyd Lyd feels bad about dragging her team down. Xandir tries to provide comfort but can’t help expressing regret at the loss of the helicopter ride. No one else says a thing as they suppress the urge to smother Lyd Lyd and her sorry ass with screaming monkey scat. (that would be the monkey screaming, not the scat. Although the latter interpretation is an interesting concept.)

Crazy Jamie corners Xandir and wants to make a final 3 pact with Spanky as the 3rd. Xandir sputters, hems and haws before saying he can't swear to something he hasn't had a chance to think about it. Jamie leaves the conversation emphatically stating he just has to make at least Top 6.

Xandir waxes poetic about how Jamie is paranoid, freaked out and losing it.

Note to Jamie – Survivor Rule #1 - just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Back at Camp Louie, they are all in matching jammies which Danni asserts makes her reminicent of family chiristmas. Ok, now matching Christmas Day outfit, maybe, if you're getting a portrriat taken. Or perhaps color coordinated efforts, but matching pjs for the whole family? And I though my my family had issues.

Captain Gary, with his full command of the obvious, realizes it's now or never to make inroads with her high-and-mightyness and her best bud, Spanky Judd. Mr. Sunshine refuses to let the odds get him down. He's just gotta try. Does this guy have an expression other than competition-man and happy dumb cow? (Seriously, though, props for actually playing, you big oaf.)

Gary broaches the subject (about as gently as my obgyn broaches me twice a year) by saying out of the blue: “Let me just ask you a question. Are you guys totally happy with what you’ve got right now?” Gary wants the strongest four in the final four. Wants to win against the best. Funny how it’s always just the biggest physical threat and thus next target who say this. All agree, at least to each other's faces, that they don't want Cindy or Lyd Lyd to win and that both would if they made F2.

Princess Steph likes the idea, but has a pretty good thing going. My, what a difference a year and the apparent lifting of the ancient voodoo curse can do. Purely hypothetically, Steph asks who Gary and Danni would they vote out if they could. The hypothetical answer is Jamie, of course.

Spanky says bonding is nice, but it won’t spoil his game plan. It can tear at your heartstrings. Getting rid of Gary and Danni is going to be tough, but it’s the game.

Note to Spanky: Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

Danni has nothing of value to say. But she looks loverly in her pjs.

Somehow, Gary ends up in the big bed with the ladies of this evening and Spanky is left with the floor. Finally, one of the locker-room stories Gary told has come true – at least sort of.

(This would be the other one.)


DAY 26

The fantastic four wake to the smell of a steaming hot pile of shit known as Folgers, then Louie surprises them with – brace yourself and get the barf bag – family videos.

I summarize because I must:

Tears and hugs all around. Steph would give back the whole rest of the reward just to have gotten the videos.

Note to MB: Save yourself the cash next time.

Whaddaya kow? Spanky Judd has a wife and kid. A hot wife and a nice house. Who’da thunk it? Not I. His brother has a T-Bone and a cold beer waiting for him. Ah, now that’s the Spanky we know and, well, know.

Danni Love’s mom introduces herself like my college roommate mom would. (“Hello. This is Marcia McFeely. Is Janice McFeely, my daughter, there?” Twice a week for 4 fucking years this went on.) Danni’s video consists of the two most important men in her life – her talking dogs.

Steph had about 300 relatives in her video and an annoying scene-stealing nephew who reminds me of every kid you want to bop in the head because he thinks he’s adorable but he is not – so not.

Gary’s daughters try to make him laugh, but only succeed in making him bawl, a lot.


The squeaky clean castaways then return to the depths of hell camp with a gift for their dirty compatriots. A basket full of Folgers “coffee.” “Cindy” speaks yet again. (Face time spike warning!) It could have been cookies or rolls or 2 weeks worth of MREs. But it's COFFEE! She fucking loves coffee. Or so she says. Personally, I think she's the mole. Any self-respecting coffee drinker I know would spit downward and askance at the mention of the “F” word, even after 26 days on a “deserted” island.

Spanky is growing increasingly worried about Jamie's baseless paranoia, so he stutters a lie to Jamie that there was no strategy talk at Camp Louie and he would never lie to him. Judd? is a really shitty liar. He doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. Judd, baby, less is more. The less you talk, the more I can resist hating you. Because I am really close. If'n you can learn to lie, I might enjoy you more. But for know, you just plumb rub me the wrong way, k? Consider yourself on notice.

DAY 27

Immunity challenge

Attached to one long rope, threaded through 3 obstacles. Crawl over under and maneuver around while racing through. First 4 go to round 2, which is more of the same but 3 levels high. *Yawn*

Judd, Danni and Lyd Lyd are out of it from the git-go. Judd pretends not to have given up, but it’s painfully obvious as he is sitting on the very first bar of the first obstacle and even Lyd Lyd is beating him.

Jamie across, then Xandir, then Princess Steph. It’s between Cindy and Gary for the final spot. Gary shows us exactly how good a Cowboy he really is, lassoing himself out of the finals as Cindy sneaks in.

Final round: It’s Xandir and Cindy all the way, Cindy looking impressive and strong. But it’s Xandir who wins, painting a Walmart-sized target on his back. At least he is smart enough to realize winning 2 of 3 individual immunities and being 2nd in the other could be construed as a bit threatening to his competition. So smart enough, but perhaps the brain cells kicked in one challenge too late. Look for fake falling on ass stunt in next challenge.

Upon return to camp, Gary is frustrated about losing the challenge, but since he gave it his all and went out fighting, he’s giving himself a gold star anyway.

Jamie sidles up to Judd to make sure he’s sticking to the six. Judd finds the paranoia bewildering because Jaime is at most going to get one vote. Psst Judd – Remember what I said about your chickens?

Crazie Jamie asks if Cindy is sticking to the six. Cindy is getting fed up.

Crazie Jamie asks Xandir if he wants to play Mancala. Yes, that’s code. He’s nervous, wants assurances Xandir is sticking to the six. He’s worried they won’t stick with the six. They are sticking to the six, right? Xandir swears for the last time his isn’t voting for him tonight, but if he asks again he might. At which moment, Testosterone Toot exclaims “I'm not going to kill you. I am just going to murder you.”
Either Crazie Jamie badly needs a thesaurus or he is specifically planning an intentional, as opposed to accidental, slaying.

Aside to Rafe: I think he means it.

Xandir and Lyd Lyd pow wow. Xandir is fed the fuck up with Crazie Jamie and his “sticking with the six.” What about booting him now? Lyd Lyd is wary. Steph joins them and says Gary is a smooth operator. Then they all settle on “I will if you will.” This? is what we call “F2 plausible deniability” folks. “What? My idea to boot you? No, it was a group decision. I don't remember who first brought it up.”

Tribal Council is upon us

Booby Jon, aka Wooldoor, sure cleans up nice and looks fucking tickled pink to be on the jury – his lifelong dream accomplished. Which makes me wonder since when did they start letting 5 year olds compete?

Princess Steph is enjoying the bonding of girl scout camp the cut-throat game of Survivor.

As usual, Judd has diarreha of the mouth at tribal council. He looks up to Gary. Wants to be a man like him. A man’s man. Gives him nothing but the utmost respect. Which is why this is such a difficult vote. Way to play it close to the vest. STFU already.

Jamie has a moment of self-clarity and admits the game and the jungle can make you go insane. Knowing nods from Steph and Danni – but that's out of sympathy, not self-identification. Cool chicks don't go nuts.

Gary thinks the most important quality in any survivial situation is a positive attitude. He tries to be upbeat. What happens happens. Ah, the life of the ex-NFL zen master.

Note to Gary: You are a boring sack of ever-hopeful dung.

Time to vote:

Shown: Jamie/Judd voting for Gary and Gary voting for Jamie. No one has a mean word to say. In fact, Gary wants Jamie on his team any day of the year. That would explain his illustrious sports career, now doesn't it?

Jeff reads the votes:
Gary
Gary
Jamie
Jamie
(Have I mentioned how much better I prefer watching this show unspoiled? Couldn't you feel the excitement mounting? I could. (then I told the hubby to wait until the show was over)
Jamie
(Judd starts to squirm)
Jamie
(Judd rubs his hands on his face and licks his lips like a heroin addict coming off his trip)
The 10th person voted off and the second member of the jury:
Jamie

The ritual torch snuff takes place and Crazie Jamie goes out ablaze: “Blindsided! Nice! Now that's how you vote somebody out!

Jeff's words of wisdom to the remaining survivors: Listen to Jamie – backstab, lie, cheat, steal. Our ratings depend upon it.



Next week on Survivor: Judd reels, tempers flare and Princess Steph's power trip finally hits overdrive.

Quality Assurance Poll:

How did you like this summary?
It sucked, thank you for the opportunity to say to anonymously.
It sucked, but not that bad, and the pictures are cool.
I didn’t read it, I just scrolled down to see if there were comments.
Eh, it was ok, fair-to-middling, or somewhat acceptable.
We love you no matter what, Beannie. (diplomatic answer)
It was a good 25 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Not a value assessment, just a factual statement.
Current results

  ¶ 4:20 PM