Monday, October 24, 2005
Episode Six: Now With More Corpse-Fucking!
After a dramatic ninth-inning comeback that sent the NLCS back to St. Louis, Dweeze’s beloved Cardinals rolled over and played dead.
Sorry, that was previously on the NLCS:
Previously on Survivor:
I mean come the fuck on, how could a team win 100 games and play that badly? Sheesh.
Previously on Survivor:
The only bright spot is that I won’t be watching baseball and if I do, I’ll be rooting for the Sox in order to stick it to Cub fans (no offense, really) which means I won’t see Joe Buck and Tim McCarver fluffing the exhumed skeletons of Joe Jackson and Charles Comiskey.
Previously on Survivor:
And to top everything off, I set the VCR for 7:00 instead of 8:00, meaning I didn’t get Lost taped but did get two crappy ABC sitcoms. Who gives Freddie Prinze Jr. a sitcom? Does he have photos of Robert Iger screwing the frozen remains of Walt Disney?
Previously on Survivor:
Like you don’t know already. I mean, if there were anything even remotely worth commenting on here, I would. I’m not going to so a previously on Survivor gig just because there is always a previously on Survivor gig. I’m not.
I’m not!
I’M
NOT!!
*sigh*
Previously on Survivor:
There was a lame-ass reward challenge, a lame-ass immunity challenge, and the lame-ass Blake was booted after a lame-ass tribal council. Happy now? As for this week? Let’s just say I’m not too optimistic it will be anything other than lame-ass. The only thing to look forward to is the double-boot, which we knew would come sometime but which CBS has been pimping since the weekend and which TV Guide told us about last week in the inaugural grown-up version of TV Guide.
(As a side note, I was pleasantly surprised at how much I liked the big version. Still, the nice thing about digest-sized magazines, especially those with a hard spine like the digest TV Guide, is that you can fling them, and not just fling them, but fling them for distance, accuracy, AND impact. Try that with a regular magazine-sized magazine. You can’t fling a magazine, you can only do a Frisbee like sideways toss that, if the pages start spreading apart, has little or no chance of hitting the target and little or no chance of doing damage if it does. You can throw a magazine and annoy someone; you can throw a digest and hurt someone.)
How did it get this boring this fast? I swear, this wouldn’t have happened if Mark Burnett were still alive instead of having his corpse being rogered by the Dona
What?
He IS alive? I assumed that….
Okay, let me rephrase that. This wouldn’t have happened if Mark Burnett still gave a damn about his finest creation.
Cue opening credits and commercials.
We come back to Yaxha. Screw that. We come back to the Bobby Jon tribe. Let’s face it. No matter what cute nicknames are given, no matter what play on words takes place, the two tribes will always be the Bobby Jon tribe and the Steph tribe. Oh sure, I could call them the new Bobby Jon tribe and the old Bobby Jon tribe, or the new Steph tribe and the old Steph tribe, but that needlessly complicates things. So it’s the Bobby Jon tribe.
Which is where we open. Brandon is questioning his place in things after Blake was voted out. He approaches Bobby Jon, who takes ten minutes to say “I had to do what I had to do.” He adds that he yam what he yams. Cut to Brian, gloating over the departure of Blake and the evening of the numbers. He thinks the Steph tribe will be surprised at what happened.
Meanwhile, at the Steph tribe, Judd and Jamie, aka Fat Man and Little Boy, are complaining about mosquitoes. Or mojitos. I get confused. This conversation expands to the whole tribe and then morphs into Rafe complaining about Margaret putting out negative energy. Hmmm. Why would the person who is obviously the next person to go out be positive? Let's be real. Margaret's a corpse, a corpse that ain't getting any love. And that's just not right.
Fortunately, this discussion is cut short by a jump cut to the challenge. The Steph tribe was instructed to bring the immunity idol to the challenge. The challenge involves the giant ball from Raiders of the Lost Arc. Two people at a time will stand on each side of the ball and try to push it over a goal. There are several rounds, and the first tribe to get three wins gets reward. The reward is seven hot dogs, seven hamburgers, seven root beers, and seven beers. The downside is that both tribes will go to tribal council and vote someone out tonight. The additional upside is that after the reward winner is determined, that tribe will go head to head for individual immunity. The person who gets individual immunity can’t be voted out and gets to sit in on the other tribe’s tribal council.
First up – the ladies. Steph and Cindy vs. Amy and Danni, with victory to Amy and Danni. Next Brandon and Bobby Jon vs. Fatman and Little Boy who win, causing a testerone overdose in Bobby Jon and Jamie. Why couldn’t Ami Cusack and Sarah Jones go chest-to-chest? Maybe with a little hot oil or some jello? And Heidek directing? On the other hand, if they ran into each other with the same force that Bobby Jon and Jamie collide, they would have shot back from each other at least 20 feet.
Next round is mixed, Steph and Judd vs. Gary and Amy. Amy hits the ground like wet cement and gets run down and can’t really keep up, giving Steph and Judd the win. Next round is women again, Margaret and Cindy vs. Amy and Danni. Despite the injury, Amy and Danni take the victory. Finally we have men for all the marbles, Brian and Bobby Jon vs. Judd and Jamie. It’s more of a contest than you would think, but Judd and Jamie take the victory.
Wait a minute.
Why didn’t Rafe take part? Lydia was the Steph tribe member who sat out. But Rafe never competed. Think there’s any chance that last round would have been different if it had been Rafe in there instead of Judd or Jamie?
Oh well. Now we’re at the immunity challenge. It’s a mental challenge. Everyone runs into the field, finds three bags, comes back and arranges tiles into a two word phrase. Rafe has his tiles out, but can’t figure it out. Judd is right next to him, and tells him the answer. But instead of disqualifying both Judd and Rafe, Rafe is awarded immunity.
Back from break, a break in which OnStar once again told us that if we don’t use their product, we hate our children, we’re at the Steph tribe. The Bobby Jon – Jamie confrontation comes up, and Jamie says “We’re southern men – we’re just crazy.” Amen. A-the-fuck-men.
Back at the Bobby Jon tribe, they are feeling down. Bobby Jon and Brandon talk about the Bobby Jon-Jamie confrontation, and Bobby Jon says that when Jamie bucked up he, Bobby Jon, had to let Jamie know there was another bear in the woods. And, though he doesn’t say it, that bear is shitting. This is the third, and not the last, time this confrontation has come up, which means it either plays a role somewhere down the line or else it’s filler. In the past, I would have said foreshadowing. Given this season, I’ll opt for filler.
Amy is concerned about her injuries. Brian tells Gary that they need to get Bobby Jon voted off. Gary, in confessional, says that he doesn’t know why they would vote out the strongest member of the tribe. Brian says he is worried that Amy and Gary might be playing him. And we’re out to mid-show break.
We come back to the Steph tribe celebrating their triumph and rejoicing in their hot dogs and beer. Judd eagerly gives Steph his hot dog for her cold wet one.
He gets her beer too.
He also gets drunk, drinking his beer, Steph’s and apparently Cindy’s. There is much ado about the missing beer. Judd bellows that whoever took the extra beer is going home tonight, oblivious to the fact that it was him. But eventually the fun has to end, and we’re off to tribal council.
And as we get there, Judd is still feeling the effects of the alcohol. Which is great. See Judd isn’t a sayfunnythingsthenfalldown drunk like amputee Chad, or a embarasshimselfandpassout drunk like fireman Tom, but an onboxiousbelligerentgetinyourfaceandscreamatyou drunk. And those are the best kind, at least for the purposes of reality TV. Why? Because what follows is the
BEST…TRIBAL…COUNCIL…EVER!
I don’t know why they never stumbled over the concept of serving alcohol before tribal council before. All I can say is that it was a great idea. In fact, I anticipate that all future tribal councils will have a two-drink minimum.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s talk about what happens.
Probst opens by asking about the Jamie-Bobby Jon grudge match. Jamie says that he was excited about winning and got a bit out of control. Then, putting on full display his talent at the best in the world at picking at wounds, Jeffy asks Margaret if the tribe displays good sportsmanship. Margaret, either believing that attacking Judd is her only hope of not getting voted off or just Margaret being Margaret, but she mentions that overall the tribe has good sportsmanship except for Judd.
Which sets Judd off. Because if there is one thing you don’t do, it’s question the character of Judd. He rails at her. Yells at her. I’m surprised Burnett doesn’t intercut to the shot of the howler monkey again. He tells her he always plays hard, gives full effort, and that she has obviously never played sports like he has.
Uhm, Judd? Beer league softball? Not a sport. Neither is bowling. And those years you spent on the two-deep offensive line chart at whatever podunk community college you went to? Not that impressive either.
What is impressive is Margaret’s reply. Giving full effort does not equal sportsmanship she says, and Probst agrees. As Judd goes off again, Margaret mentions that Judd always does this – try to yell over anyone who disagrees with him and tries to dominate everyone.
Take a look at how everyone is sitting as this takes place. Leave Cindy out of it, because she is a victim of circumstance just trying to stay out of the line of fire. Rafe looks like he wet himself. Steph is visibly cowering. Lydia has the “Help Me Jeff” smile on her face. And Jamie tries to do the “You’ve had a little too much and said a little too much” arm pat, but Judd just brushes him away, Judd’s every word and deed marking truth on Margaret’s every statement. Only Margaret shows no fear in the face of Judd’s bullying, which, as is always the case, only makes Judd be more of a bully.
Judd bellows that just because Margaret believes this, that doesn’t mean the whole tribe does. So Probst asks the rest of the tribe, starting with Rafe.
Rafe: Well, uh
Judd: Tell him what I told you to tell him!
Rafe: Judd is a hard worker, loyal husband, and all around fine person.
Judd: See?
In short, Judd is acting in a manner that proves one of two things. Either he is intentionally trying to become the first second place finisher to get no votes or he is the single dumbest person ever to play Survivor. Dumber than Brandon or Diane. Dumber than Gabe. Dumber than Robb. Dumber than the entire Amazon jury. Dumber than any other individual to play the game, which, quite frankly, is saying quite a bit.
Think about it. He’s the perfect final two partner. If he makes it to F2, whoever he is up against could club a baby seal in front of the jury, hitting it so hard blood and brain matter splatter on everyone, then ravage the seal’s every orifice of the seal’s mutilated body in front of the jury, and everyone on the jury would still think “You know that was vile and disgusting, but I’m still not voting for Judd.” I swear, perfect F2 partner. And think of the entertainment value of the jury confrontations, especially if they got Judd good and liquored up first. The problem being, of course, that who wants to tolerate him that long?
Another highlight comes when Margaret mentions that Judd didn’t wait a moment to cut a deal with the new tribe and abandon his old tribe. She adds that he flipped voluntarily, before they could even approach him. Judd, his character insulted, first denies this, then says that Margaret would have done the same thing. She points out, quite correctly, that she had the same opportunity to betray and didn’t take it. Probst then turns to Steph, asking
Jeff: Steph, is there concern that someone who turned on their old tribe might turn on you?
Steph’s Words: No Jeff. That was his old tribe. We’re his new tribe.
Steph’s Thoughts: What, do we look crazy? First chance we get we’re ramming a stake into his heart, cutting his head off, jamming garlic down his throat, then tossing the whole thing to the gators so they can fuck and eat at will. And after that is done, I’ll finally be able to sleep at night again.
Oh yes, this tribal council is good stuff, better than I ever dreamed could come out of the season. Whew.
Oops. Almost forgot.
Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!
Margaret votes Judd, reiterating her earlier comments. Judd votes Margaret, once again telling her to get out of his jungle. I realize that the real reason we didn’t get a howler monkey cutaway again was because the monkey threatened to sue Burnett for defamation of character by linking the howler to Judd.
Margaret walks off, and I suspect we were just one more Judd beer away from him putting his arms around the remaining Steph tribe members and telling them “I love youse guys.” Probst asks if the tribe will be better now that the troublemaker is gone. Right. The reasonable, calm woman who just left is the troublemaker, not the belligerent screaming asshole still there. One knows now that this is not over, and like all bullies, now that his original target is gone, Judd will find a new target.
As the Steph tribe takes its leave, Jeff tells Rafe that as the individual immunity winner he gets to stay and watch the Bobby Jon tribe. The rest leave and the Bobby Jons enter. We fade to commercial brakage, and Margaret’s husband and two sons speak. Her husband says that they love her and are proud of her. Her youngest son, giving a line reading worthy of a Lifetime movie, says she needs to come home because they are out of food. Her oldest son doesn’t speak, either because he forgot his line or because he hates her. I lean towards the former.
And we’re back to the Bobby Jon’s tribe tribal council. Let me tell you folks, this tribal council makes a Quaker Prayer Circle look like a Peckinpah film. It’s a love fest, though in all honesty it really seems like a sincere love fest. Probst opens by asking Bobby Jon about going nipple to nipple with Jamie. Bobby Jon gives the same basic answer Jamie did, but does so much more graciously and sincerely.
Probst then moves to questions about Amy and Brian, content to let Gary wait for his moment in the pocket. He starts by asking Bobby Jon about Brian, and Bobby Jon says
“If you need someone to make a kamikaze charge at another line, this here’s your man” as he pats Brian’s shoulder. So if there’s a suicide mission to be made, they’d choose Brian? Just trying to clarify. After more boring questions about Brian (and let me state for the record that More Boring Questions About Brian is my least favorite Talking Heads album) Jeff turns to Amy and her resemblance to the Black Knight in Holy Grail. (And yeah, I’m sure someone somewhere has already made that joke. Let them find me and sue me.) Probsts asks Brandon if he was impressed by Amy’s ability to get up and go at the challenge even after she was knocked down. Brandon says he was more than impressed.
The only really interesting thing that occured at this council was that, just before they were to vote, Probst tells them that Rafe, who until now had been a spectator, would be allowed to grant immunity to one person. He instructed Rafe to go to the voting urn (how much does a voting urn?), write down his choice, put it in an envelope, and put the envelope in the urn. After Rafe does that, he is dismissed.
Now is also the time on Survivor when we vote!
The only vote we see with commentary is Brian’s, who votes for Bobby Jon and says “This is where the outwit part of outlast, outplay, and outwit comes into play.” Little did he know.
So Probst gets the urn, and starts counting votes. We have one vote for Bobby Jon and five votes for Brian. Jeff announces that Brian’s only hope is with Rafe’s vote.
Let’s pause for a second. How is this supposed to work? If Rafe wrote down Brian’s name, does Bobby Jon get voted out? Cause that would be the most unfair thing ever to happen on the show, even more unfair than the purple rock. But if it isn’t that, why not just have Rafe announce who he is granting immunity to so the tribe can vote accordingly? And if it is that, will we be treated to the sight of Brian knowing Bobby Jon's defeated body in the biblical sense?
Fortunately or unfortunately, we don’t find out. Rafe wrote down Gary’s name, either because he has a crush on him or he is trying to signal Gary that the original alliance is alive or because Rafe wants to be the top queen, and Brian is gone, gone, gone. And so are we.
Amidst the commercial brakage, Brian’s parents tell him how much they love him. At least his father does. His mother doesn’t speak, probably because the drugs haven’t worn off yet.
Next on Survivor: Amy confronts Gary about his past. Gary not only denies being a professional football player, he also denies the existence of professional football and tells Amy she’s “crazy” (complete with hand motions) if she thinks there is such a thing as the NFL. You know, he just should tell people he’s Gary Hogeboom and he played for the Cowboys, Colts, Cardinals, and Redskins. At least 95% of the non-Hogebooms in the country would say “Who?” and the remaining 5% of the non-Hogebooms would say “Yeah, I would be embarrassed to admit that too.” Oh, and the Bobby Jon tribe visits the Steph tribe. Hopefully it’s an early merge, because if it isn’t we are going to have an immunity challenge where both tribes are trying to lose so they can vote someone out.
As we fade into the skyline of CSI, Brian tells us that he didn’t see it coming and that was how he wanted to go. He adds that he now knows he can do tough things, like have carnal relations with an Incan Mummy.
Or maybe I'm just projecting. ¶ 10:02 AM
Comments:
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Excellent deployment of corpse-fucking paradigms.
We do not acknowledge that the Hogescaper ever donned a Redskins uni.
Thank you, Dweeze. Very fine work.
We do not acknowledge that the Hogescaper ever donned a Redskins uni.
Thank you, Dweeze. Very fine work.
*snort* Very nice, Dweeze.
That whole Bobby Jon - Jamie thing wasn't as hot as I was hoping it would be.
That whole Bobby Jon - Jamie thing wasn't as hot as I was hoping it would be.
I sure hope you have the episode when Judd melts down, finally and fatally.
Aren't you the lucky rodent to get this particular tribal council?
Aren't you the lucky rodent to get this particular tribal council?
*scrtich*
Monstah *hearts* Dweeze, BIG.TIME!
A masterpiece, as usual Dweeze! Loved it all but really loved the closing bit there! Thanks!
Monstah *hearts* Dweeze, BIG.TIME!
A masterpiece, as usual Dweeze! Loved it all but really loved the closing bit there! Thanks!
Judd eagerly gives Steph his hot dog for her cold wet one.
Very nice, Dweeze.
Who did invent jello? I wish it were in fact the ancient Maya because wrestling in jello would be an improvement on the quality of challenges in Survivor Guatamala.
Loved the drunken Juddd tribal council stuff. Thanks, Dweeze.
Very nice, Dweeze.
Who did invent jello? I wish it were in fact the ancient Maya because wrestling in jello would be an improvement on the quality of challenges in Survivor Guatamala.
Loved the drunken Juddd tribal council stuff. Thanks, Dweeze.
This? was fun! I especially liked the very subtle corpse fucking.
Rafe wants to be the top queen
Um, I have a suspicion that no matter who is around, Rafe is a bottom queen all the way! And likes it that way... (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Rafe wants to be the top queen
Um, I have a suspicion that no matter who is around, Rafe is a bottom queen all the way! And likes it that way... (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Excellent word, Master D.
But you found Judd to be obnoxious? Here in Joisey, we find him to be the first rational, coherent person the show has ever cast. I have to agree, that was the best TC ever.
(why are corpses getting more sex than I am?)
*******
My word verification: wahigfdk.
Which I believe is a direct quote from Judd.
But you found Judd to be obnoxious? Here in Joisey, we find him to be the first rational, coherent person the show has ever cast. I have to agree, that was the best TC ever.
(why are corpses getting more sex than I am?)
*******
My word verification: wahigfdk.
Which I believe is a direct quote from Judd.
"He adds that he now knows he can do tough things, like have carnal relations with an Incan Mummy.
Or maybe I'm just projecting."
Bahaha! Great job, Dweeze.
Or maybe I'm just projecting."
Bahaha! Great job, Dweeze.
Wonderful job, Dweeze. This line made me LOL:
Gary not only denies being a professional football player, he also denies the existence of professional football and tells Amy she’s “crazy” (complete with hand motions) if she thinks there is such a thing as the NFL.
-SilverStar
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Gary not only denies being a professional football player, he also denies the existence of professional football and tells Amy she’s “crazy” (complete with hand motions) if she thinks there is such a thing as the NFL.
-SilverStar
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