Survivor Guatemala, Episode Four:
To Betray Or Not To Betray
The Long Foreshadowing

by TechNoir

Previously on Survivor Lydia didn’t leave. Noclue won reward. Margaret is a know-it-all. Bobby Jon is 28 years old and is still called Bobby Jon. Yuseless is, well you know. Noclue won immunity. Stephanie is a loser, and whines about it. Morgan Brianna was voted out. And Diamond provided tribe names that cannot be bested.



The members of Noclue are lying about on dried palm fronds, much less gracefully than the monkeys. And whining, whining about the heat. Cindy whines. Margaret whines. It’s hot. There are mosquitoes. I long for more commercials. Judd begins The Long Foreshadowing, complaining that somehow this is like the move “The Killer Bees,” which is a 1974 made for TV movie starring the almost dead Gloria Swanson. I am too dense to get the connection, but Judd clearly has an IQ substantially greater than mine. He wears a hooded sweatshirt in the 142 degree heat to protect him from the bees.

Incidentally, it is hot. The whores have sores and they scratch and sweat. We are treated to long, slow close-ups of open wounds, insects crawling on flesh, and moist unattractive bodies. There is much brakage. I am bored. (Henceforth you must imagine the word ‘brak’ and all of its derivative and compound forms as if they were green, even when I’m too lazy to present the term properly. Landru, inventor of the term, knows it belongs in green and so do you.)


Oh, I was supposed to be summarizing for you. Branson apparently named after some town in Missouri, braks about lying around because it is … hot. Wait, that’s some other show. This one is named Brandon.

And at the Yuseless tribe they’re trying to catch alewives or minnows or some inch long fish. Rafe, who has the worst combination of voice and speech impediment and accent and gay affectation that I have ever heard, insists of pretending that he and Gary (Hogeboom, that is) are, and I quote with no duplicity or exaggeration, “a finely tuned fishing machine.”

Stephanie looks over the calm water and, a mere nine minutes into the show, realizes the promise of the previews spotting a croc in the calm lake. They stare at the lake. They look at the croc. They proclaim it the “Loch Ness.” They brak about the croc. It occurs to me that they may actually be somewhere other than New Jersey. Someone is nibbled by a four inch fish, producing more “tension” followed by more nature photography. I move from my comfy sofa to a bed of nails, hoping to stay awake.

The fish bites.
The eagle soars.
Let the eagle soar,
Like she’s never soared before.
From rocky coast to golden shore,
Let the mighty eagle soar.
Soar with healing in her wings.
As the land beneath her sings

Ack! I must focus. Fortunately they arrive at a Reward Challenge with a twist or two. Starting with the fact that there is no challenge.

Jiffy with his too large hat ridiculously looking like it is resting on his ears, asks the teams which tribe member is most in need of nourishment. The ‘winners’ each receive an apple – Danni and Jamie. Each team is asked to write down the tribe member who smells the worst. The winners, Gary and Bobbi Jon, each get a bush shower. Each team is then asked which man and which woman deserves a picnic afternoon at a Mayan pyramid. Gary/Amy for Yuseless and Judd/Margaret for Noclue receive a basket of fried chicken, potato salad, tea, and cookies. They’re off to picnic.

Next question: Who has the most tribe pride? Aha! The beginning of a switch. Brian remains in Yuseless while Jamie, Rafe, Stephanie, and Lydia go to Noclue. Cindy remains in Noclue while (after some silly draw) Danni, Bobby Jon, Brandon, and Blake go to Yuseless and Brooke remains in Noclue. The tribes: Noclue now consists of Stephanie, Jamie, Rafe, Lydia, Brooke, Cindy, Margaret and Judd. Yuseless now consists of Bobby Jon, Blake, Brandon, Danni, Brian, Gary and Amy.

And we’re back, with slow panning overhead shots of baby pyramids. Finally we know we’re someplace other than Florida. Judd, Margaret, Gary and Amy gorge themselves atop a pyramid. The Margaret asks Gary about being a pro football player. He says “I wish I was.” while Judd tells him that he looks familiar. In a confessional Amy says that if he’s a retired multi-millionaire, she’ll kill him. Did I mention that I like to watch?

Brian (who is billed as an Ivy League student – I see that he somehow graduated from Columbia, source of the most arrogant graduates that I have ever met. Given his total inability to speak a coherent sentence, I find it a bit easier to understand his high school title of “Prom Prince” than his designation as “Most Likely To Succeed.”) braks about fitting into Yuseless. There is much hugging and joy over the appearance of a basket of fruit and a bottle or two of wine. Brian incoherently braks some more while maintaining a wide-eyed coked-out look. The wandering picnickers return to a welcome as if it were homecoming weekend. But they can count and figure out that the formerly Yuseless members are outnumbered four to three.

Danni again asks Gary about his history as a quarterback, reminds him of his years at Central Michigan, asks him why he never finished in the top fifty in any statistical category, asks about the time he described himself as a ‘late bloomer,’ asks why his appearance so deteriorated since them, wonders why such an attention whore would deny his football affiliation, then takes out her secret Topps football card from his college years and asks him to autograph it. Gary denies most of this admitting, in a move that demonstrates why he is much too stupid to have been a successful first line quarterback, that he attended Central Michigan but says that he didn’t play there. He adds in a confessional "I'm not going to blow my strategy. That's my cover, so I'm keeping it." EP nicely punctuates this with a shot of storm clouds gathering over a pyramid.

Back at Noclue the picnickers return. Hugs and mewling ensue, followed by Margaret in a confessional recognizing that This Switch Spells Danger. More storm clouds are accompanied by thunder, producing actual rain. She braks about the old Noclue tribe as the rain falls. A preying mantis, in close-up, appears to be jabbering as we fade into a shot of Margaret and Judd brak brak brakking about the new tribal structure. Judd announces that his old tribe was “a male tosterone thing” which I assume is a perfected version of testosterone. He’s the “big gun” over here, feels like he is King Kong, and beats his chest to demonstrate that his intellect is overpowering. “Ahh, feeling good baby,” he braks, followed by a prolonged close-up of a larger ape gibbering.

Stephanie and Jamie talk about the tribe dynamics atop a pyramid, bringing Judd into the conversation. They are shot looking down on the other tribe members, discussing their demise. He and Steph talk about their “personal dynamic”, and Judd agrees to get rid of Brooke, then Lydia and Margaret. He says he’s “feeling really good right now. I have no problem targeting my old tribe.” That tosterone thing, I guess. He didn’t “feel the love” over there. “They gotta get out of my jungle.”

Back to Yuseless where Amy braks about the tribe. A ‘rear’ shot of Bobby Jon and Brandon wearing surfer pants. One might think that they were California boys, but actually they are bonding, pissing together, pledging allegiance, plotting the demise of others, and sealing it by shaking wet hands, melding their urine in some primal tribal ceremony. Ewwww

The tribes arrive at the beach for the immunity challenge. The idol sports a bright yellow feather, indicative of the Noclue win last time. I have no idea where they found a party store, but there seems to be one tucked back in the jungle. Jiffy, who seems to have forgotten to get a haircut, wears the same too-large hat. He explains the challenge. Each team takes their usual boat and paddles out, retrieving three progressively farther away tribe-colored bags of wooden, well something that Jiffy refers to as clubs. I suppose they are the conceptual equivalent of wooden axes, reminding me of Ed Ames axe throw on the old Johnny Carson show. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, or you are nostalgic, you can see the clip here, past Roseanne. Sorry, it is Real only.) The team members throw the clubs at progressively farther away tiles. The first tribe to break all of the tiles wins immunity. Two rules: No tribe member can break more than one tile and a thrower can ‘tag out’ and let someone else try.

The teams paddle boringly. Jiffy shouts a play-by-play, but it remains boring interrupted only by long slow panning shots of the shore. A boat collision looks intentional. Noclue pushes Yuseless off course. The Yuseless recover badly. Noclue reaches the shore first, racing to empty their sacks. (Insert self-designed joke here.) Club-tossing ensues.

Steph takes the lead for Noclue, getting progressively closer until she breaks the first tile. Judd is up for Yuseless and begins tossing toward the farthest away tile. Yuseless shows up and Brian tosses for a while, failing to connect. He tags Danni who connects. The teams are tied. Judd continues tossing for Yuseless. Blake tosses for Yuseless and connects. Judd connects. The teams are tied two, two.

Gary stands around with his arms folded, watching as if he weren’t a professional quarterback who threw things for a living, who put himself through college and spent a decade in the NFL based on his ability to THROW THINGS!!! Gary Hogeboom, alumnus of Central Michigan University, proves for once and for all what a lying, duplicitous, self-centered, sack of monkey shit he is. He is so involved in his personal deception that he is willing to let the team go down. He is such a weak, sniveling thing that he isn’t even capable of corpse-fucking. Did I mention that he wouldn’t step up and do the right thing?

Brandon for Yuseless and Jamie for Noclue toss for the last tile, 50 yards away. It is quite close with each missing, then clipping tiles. THE QUARTERBACK IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. Finally Brandon connects, winning immunity for Yuseless. THE QUARTERBACK manages to hug his team members, pretending to be part of the team. I steam, loathing Hogeboom more than I thought possible. Did I mention that he spent most of his career playing for the Girls?

Jiffy awards the immunity idol to Yuseless, who immediately remove the yellow feather. Noclue will be going to tribal council. The camera lingers on Loser Steph.


Intense and prolonged brakage ensues as Noclue schemes and plots about who will be ousted at tribal council. Rafe (cringe) is the temporary spokescritter, talking about the four to four split in the tribe and his desire to have Judd die. Have I mentioned that I loathe Rafe? They blend and merge, meet in small groups, Brooke braks about the weakest person and voting for Lydia. Margaret questions Judd’s loyalty. The word ‘sucks’ is used relentlessly. The shots of monkeys are much more entrancing that the brakage of the Noclues.

Judd consumes an inordinate amount of face time, convincing everyone I spoke to on the phone of his impending demise. The Judd foreshadowing has been intense. He and Margaret have an extended conversation during which he demonstrates his inability to do math in the addition up to eight range. Margaret is patient. Judd discovers that four is greater than one. Conversations continue while Rafe puts wet leaves on Lydia’s back and shoulders, overlapping each slightly as if tiling a roof. It is a very strange scene. Lydia wonders if they have Judd’s vote. Judd wonders if Jamie and Steph are trustworthy.


Thank heavens they eventually put on their evening clothes (shirts and sleeves) and trudge into a red sun to tribal council. Jiffy no longer asks questions aimed only at calling attention to himself. He is obviously getting laid regularly. Now he pretends to be an elder statesman, difficult in Banana Republic clothes, having discarded his hat.

Jiffy: Steph, are you a loser or just a bad luck talisman? Or are you cursed? This time you've been on the winning side of 1 of 7 challenges. That brings your Survivor total to being on the winning side of a mere 4 out of 21 challenges.

Steph: Well, Jiffy, I was just thinking about that today. I’m beginning to believe that I am a toy for the enjoyment Al Capp or of Satan. I didn’t think I was Satan’s type but I might have a black cloud that is following me around. Or maybe I just suck.

Jiffy: Margaret, tell me about the new tribe dynamic. Is sneaky stuff going on?

Margaret: There wasn’t much except for Judd, pairing off with Jamie and Stephanie. I hope it was just socializing.

Jiffy: Judd, were you just socializing?

Judd: I didn’t do nuttin. We was just socializing. I just met ‘em. I mean, we was just getting to know each udder. I was just shootin da breeze wid em. I’m Judd. Hello. Hi dere. How ya doin’? What’s up. Are you from Jersey? I’m from Jersey.

Jiffy: Lydia, you’re a regular here at tribal council. Do you feel vulnerable? (You get the sense that Jiffy wonders about this a lot with women.) Or are you confident with this new tribe?

Lydia: I’m vulnerable. I just need faith, Jiffy.

Jiffy, getting lazy: What about you Brooke?

Brooke: It’s all about brute strength, Jiffy.

Jiffy: Judd, in your profession you deal with all kinds of different people every day? How important is that in this game? (Judd is a doorman, clearly a job for someone with superior social skills.)

Judd, Dead man walking: Oh, it’s very important. It’s all about connections, Jiffy. I know right away if I connect with people. That’s just the way I am. I mean, it’s easy. I can really pick people up like that.

Jiffy: Shut up Judd. Go vote now.

Eventually Jiffy tallies the votes. In a revolting turn of events, Brooke receives five, Lydia receives three, and Judd, who has been the object of foreshadowing for 7/8ths of the episode, doesn’t get the slightest whiff of a vote. He is, however, the turncoat who votes for Brooke. I guess it is all the tosterone. Brooke is the third identical person, following Brianna and Taylor Morgan to be voted out. They are indistinguishable. Brak, brak, brak. Fire is life. You’re gone.

And in the most horrid new addition this season on Survivor, we see some of Brooke’s homies, including a very embarrassed dog, speaking from a sofa. The first says: “Brooke, I can’t wait to go running with you. And with Giles,” (which appears to be the very affected name of the very embarrassed dog.) The second says: “And skiing, too.” The third says: “We miss you.” If Andy Warhol was right, they are each owed fourteen and two/thirds minutes.

I adore you all, but I can’t bear to recount the next commercial interlude, so I’ll just tell you that next week, Lydia gets a little whacky. You won't want to miss it.

  ¶ 1:22 AM