Survivor Cook Island

Episode Eleven - I Know You're As Sick Of Reading My Summaries As I Am of Writing Them

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

The producers brought forth the most vicious, most random twist since the purple rock of death. More vicious and more random than Wanda and the unremarkable lug not getting to play Survivor: Guadalcanal because they were chosen last? Oh yeah.

We open at Raro. Jonathan is fishing for security. And fish. He brings some back, only to find that no one has started a fire. Apparently they thought it had always been burning since the world was turning. Jonathan is incensed. He starts in on the tribe about the need to work, the need to wake up early and not sleep in, and the need to quit listening to that rock and/or roll music and accomplish something with their lives. Meanwhile, at home, Jonathan’s kids shed a tear at the pain of seeing their father share his lectures with other people.

Over at Aitu, Yul feels under the weather. His head hurts, his feet stink, and he don’t love Jesus. Or maybe that’s Jimmy Buffet? I get confused. Actually, Yul’s legs hurt. In confessional, Sundra tells us that they are still the underdogs due to Raro’s overwhelming numbers.

Cut to the Reward Challenge. Or is it? Hmmmm. Aitu comes onto the challenge beach, and Jeff ushers in the new Raro. Yul, who can count, says “Two?” Jeff confirms that two people were voted off and stresses how important the last immunity win was for Aitu. “You’d be down to two against seven if you had lost” and adds his signature expression, that the game is up for grabs. I hope someday, someone does an eulogy for Jeff and uses the expression “up for grabs” as in “And now his soul is up for grabs”. That’d be cool.

Finally, Jeff tells us it’s time to merge. Apparently he’s seen the promos. He instructs everyone to drop their buffs, then tosses them new ones. When asked which beach they want to live on, Nate immediately says Raro. Yul, again demonstrating a level of intelligence uncommon among Survivor contestants, asks Candice and Jonathan, who have lived on both beaches, which they prefer. They say Raro’s, because it has more coconuts and less rats. Finally! A marketing slogan I can get behind.

Jeff calls in the quit boat, tricked out as a feast catamaran. We hear from various people about the experience: Nate says Yul has class. Jonathan says he is ready for the individual game and then gets disgusted when his Raro tribemates get very drunk. Yul tells us that things are still bleak and that Aitu needs to find a chink in Raro’s armor.

Yes, he said that, and yes, I’m going to let it pass.

The newly merged tribe chooses the name Aitutonga. Nate shows Aitu around the beach: “Here’s the sand. Over there’s the water. Those are the trees.” In confessional he tells us that he, Adam, and Parvati are close and that Jonathan and Candice are in no position to switch back over to the Aituans. Dood. Ever hear of Rob Cesspoolrino? Nate closes by telling us he feels it is importance to keep his friends close and his enemies closer. Nate has read “The Art Of War For Dummies”.

We next see Nate talking with Ozzy, implying that the two of them should form their own final four plans with Sundra and Parvati. Nate, Nate, Nate. You’re looking too far ahead. Ozzy replies noncommittally.

Cut back to camp, where Parvati and Adam are cuddling. She tells him that she knows what’s on his mind. Parvati, Parvati, Parvati. Everyone knows what’s on Adam’s mind. Adam later tells us in confessional that he was drunk, but he tells Parvati that both she and Candice can “appreciate” him. I must admit, I would be willing to “appreciate” Candice and Parvati at the same time.

We next look in at Yul talking with Becky about letting Ozzy and Sundra know he has the hidden immunity idol. Yul thinks he can get Jonathan to switch. Becky agrees. This leads to Yul talking to Jonathan about hypothetical situations. Yul asks Jonathan what he would do if, hypothetically, Yul had the hidden immunity idol. He asks if he could, hypothetically, trust Jonathan with that information. Jonathan replies that he would need to hypothetically think about it. I think that only someone who doesn’t know the meaning of the word hypothetical would think that Yul doesn’t actually have the idol. Jonathan then tells us that if he flips sides again, his Raro mates will flip out.

The next day, Yul decides to show Sundra his hidden immunity idol. I showed a girl my hidden immunity idol once, and I have the restraining order to prove it. Yul tells her he wants the Aituans to be the final four and explains his plan to get Jonathan to flip. He does the same with Ozzy. Both are cool with the idea of getting Jonathan to flip to give them the numbers.

Cut to Candice and Parvati, enjoying a wet t-shirt contest. Candice doesn’t like that Jonathan is talking with Yul, and the two ladies agree that Yul should be their target. We then see Candice talking to Jonathan about his discussions with Yul. Jonathan admits that Yul was trying to get him to switch, but then resists the idea Candice puts forth that Yul should be their target. Jonathan tells us that he realizes that Yul must have the idol, and that if they vote for Yul and Jonathan doesn’t flip sides, Aitu will vote for Jonathan and because of the immunity idol, Jonathan will be out of the game.

Off to the challenge. Let me guess. First immunity challenge after the merge? Hmm. Can you say endurance? True to form, we see nine tall poles with ladders. Jeff takes back the immunity idol and displays the immunity necklace. The person who gets it is the person staying on their pole the longest. Isn’t that always the case? The only rule is, no using the top of the pole to support yourself. This is rule I can get behind.

This one plays pretty true to form. Adam and Jonathan, two big guys, are the first out. Jonathan says his feet hurt because they are bigger than everyone else’s, and Yul explains that while they all have the same surface area supporting them, they all have different amounts of mass, and the people with more mass have a harder time supporting themselves because they have less surface area in relation to their bodies than the people with smaller amounts of body mass. The others look dumbfounded.

Nate is the next to fall, then Sundra, Yul, Parvati, and Becky. Only Candice and Ozzy remain, and as they hang on near the tops of their respective poles, it begins to rain. A soft, drizzling rain, a rain that soaks to your soul and floods your perspective with

Sorry. Nevermind. After two and half hours on a pole, Candice falls off. We now know what Adam sees in her. Ozzy comes down off his pole, and Jeff hands him the necklace.

Back at camp, Adam tells us that the challenge shows how much of a threat Ozzy is and how much they need to get him out. After Yul, of course. They will vote out Yul first.

Yul has other ideas, and, after all, it’s not like he’s going home tonight no matter what. Yul finally shows Jonathan the hidden immunity idol, making five the total number of people who have seen Yul’s idol. Yul tells Jonathan that he wants to take him to the final two, as he would win the vote against Jonathan. Jonathan has to be smart enough to realize that he can’t win a final two vote against anyone. He tells Yul he wants to think about things. Cut to Jonathan talking to the other Raroans, trying to convince them not to vote for Yul. He says that if Yul has the idol, and they vote for him, one of them will go home. Parvati insists that Yul doesn’t have the idol. She also insists that the sun rises in the west. We next see Adam and Candice talking to Nate regarding who they should vote out. Nate insists on Yul. For some reason, Adam and Candice are worried about Nate thinking too much. Thinking bad!

Jonathan finally tells Yul that he will switch, but he wants Nate to be the target. He feels he owes Adam something for saving him. Yul expresses some concern that Jonathan is trying to play them, but Jonathan tells us he is now in the position of having one team about to hate him no matter what may happen at tribal council. Which leads us to tribal council.

Jeff: Sundra, how has the merge changed things?

Sundra: We’re all living together now?

Jeff: Good call. Have a biscuit. Nate, tribal alliances still in play?

Nate: Fuck yeah!

Jeff: Yul, that means Aitu is still behind.

Yul: At least until Jonathan flips.

Jeff: Becky, any groupings you didn’t expect?

Becky: I didn’t expect to see Adam and Candice rolling around on the ground groping each other every waking moment.

Jeff: Adam, any response?

Adam: Not my fault she can’t attract a man.

Jeff: Parvati, how do you feel about Adam and Candice?

Parvati: I wouldn’t mind if they hadn’t kicked me out of the tent. And if Adam would quit hitting on me.

Candice: She’s just jealous cause I have the only white man capable of sustaining an erection.

Jeff: Jonathan, are you worried about Candice and Adam?

Jonathan: Jeff, if they want to paint a boot-me target on their backs, who am I to complain?

Jeff: Good point. Ozzy, how does the game changed after tonight?

Ozzy: Uhm, someone will be voted out?

Jeff: Fuck you. Nate, how do you think the game will change?

Nate: Well, if someone flips it will stir up waters.

Jeff: Thanks Captain Obvious. Jonathan, any desire to make an appeal to everyone before you become persona non gratis?

Jonathan: “I’ve enjoyed every second. I’ve bonded with younger people in a way I haven’t in years. I’ve tried to drink in every minute because I know I’ll never have another experience like this.”

Jeff: Great. Now you can use your final words to spout some bitterness. As for the rest of you

Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote! Ozzy, you do not want to give me the immunity necklace – do you want to touch my monkey?

Ozzy: I’ll just go vote, thanks.

The tribe votes, the tallymon does his thing, and now it’s time for Jeff to play show and read. The first vote is for Yuehl. The second for Yule. The third for Yuhl. We then get three Nate votes, for a three-three tie. We then get another Yule vote, another Nate vote, and then shots of Yul and Nate cringing as Jeff reads the final vote: Nate. Nate looks pissed, as does Parvati. Nate trudges off, and Jeff sends them all back to camp with stock phrase number two, “Looks like the game has changed”.

On the next Survivor: The remaining Raroans are furious with Jonathan, particularly because he starts to hang out with the Aituans.

As we fade into the drawing rooms of Vegas, Nate tells us, again quoting:

“It hurts to leave this early in the game. Jonathan, kiss my ass. You’re a dirty, stanky fruitcake who sold me out. You sold out our tribe when we brought you in, you traitorous bastard, so kiss my ass, Jonathan. Other than that, everyone I love, but that’s how it’s gotta be in this world.” Word.

  ¶ 3:35 PM 2 Comments

  Survivor Cook Island

Episode Ten - The One With The Wonderfully Vicious Twist

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

Dweeze got fed up and entered the Evelyn Wood School of Speed Summarizing.

We open in Raro,With Jonathan complaining,Then on to Aitu.Lotsa laughs at Aitu.
Sorry. At least I didn’t try to modify Brush Up Your Shakespeare. Anyway, Raro, Day 22. Jonathan has realized he made a horrible mistake – the Alan Alda sound-alike thing was a bad idea. So was leaving Aitu. He tells us he is a wandering Jew without a tribe, which isn’t all that impressive. It would be far more impressive to be a wandering Jew with a tribe. He also asks, rhetorically, “who knew a Jew could climb a tree and get coconuts.” As far as I remember, this is the first time he’s mentioned his religion, though it explains why he will be the first person voted out of the Caucasian clique.

Cut to Candice and Adam, bonding. Bow chicka-bow bow. Candice says she is lucky to have someone she can trust. Adam thinks he is lucky to have someone he can nail. He tells her that they need to make sure Jenny doesn’t worry too much about Candice, and he develops the wonderful plan of having Candice rub suntan lotion on him in front of Jenny to downplay Jenny’s suspicions. Later, he’ll advance the plan by making out with Candice in the tent. That Adam – always two steps ahead.

Of Brad.

Jenny delusionally tells us that if the five Raroans stick to their group, they’ll go far in the game. Hey, Jenny. That group of five has only gotten this far because there were other people to vote off. It’s not like you’re taking the challenges by storm.

Cut to Aitu, where Ozzy tells us he is happy to be the underdog. Yo, Ozzy. Have you seen Raro? You guys are underdogs only by numbers. Or, because this is CBS, by NUMB3RS. When we factor in skill level, it will be a shock if you lose another challenge to Raro. Raro is Ulong without Stephenie and Bobby Jon.

Look! Treemail. No note or anything, just a board with nautical flags and the corresponding letter. Could it be that the tribes will be asked to write something using the flags? It’s either that or the new Long John Silver’s menu. Aitu begins to practice memorizing the letters on the board. We don’t see it, but I imagine over at Raro they use it as a cutting board for Jonathan’s fish.

We come to the challenge, and Aitu sees that Brad is gone. They can’t be shocked. Really, they can’t. Dude had one foot out the door before the mutiny. Nonetheless, Yul appears to be shocked. Yul is also shocked that the challenge does not appear to involve the water. Which is shocking.

Instead, two tribe members at a time will be given a compass and a coordinate. They go to a large compass in the sand, where they are to dig up a treasure chest at the coordinate they have been given. They then bring the chest back to their tribemates. The chest has a new coordinate on it. The next group of two goes out and digs up the chest located at the new coordinate. This process repeats until a tribe has dug up four chests. They then open the chests, finding seven flags within them. The flags, when properly arranged, spell out the word victory. If not arranged properly, the flags spell out the word roctivy. Or cotivry. Or y tico vr.

So what is the reward? Well, we’re too early for a family visit and way too soon for a vehicle, but long past fire and blankets. I’d say the time is right to hang out with natives. So, show me hanging out with natives!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

The winning tribe, or as we call them, Aitu, will go hang out with natives. The losers, or Raroans, will get to hear Jonathan bitch. And if everything goes true to form, Candice will go to Exile Island.

Did I ruin it for anyone? I’m just repeating the Vegas line.

Anyway, Yul and Sundra go first for Aitu, directed by Jeff to go to North by Northwest, which is a great movie. Jonathan and Jenny go out for Raro, directed to North by Northeast. At least, that’s what Jonathan heard. Candice apparently heard something different, as she directs him to East by Northeast. Jenny agrees with her, moving to that direction, leaving Jonathan to dig by himself. This gives Yul and Sundra a huge advantage, quickly finding and digging up their chest. Meanwhile, Jonathan has finally uncovered the top of the chest where he thought it was, and Jenny comes over to help. Yul and Sundra have already returned their first chest, however, and Ozzy and Becky are already digging for their second.

Jonathan and Jenny aren’t too far behind, however, when they bring the first chest back and send Adam and Candice out. This won’t last, however; Adam and Candice are apparently unable to understand the concept of directions, digging all over the place before finally finding the chest. Indeed, they take so long that Ozzy and Becky have found and brought back the second Aitu chest and Yul and Sundra have found and brought back the third Aitu chest. That’s right – Aitu is digging for their fourth chest before Raro even has brought back their second. Futility, thy name is Raro.

Jonathan and Jenny false start, heading off the mat before Adam and Candice get back with the chest. It’s not like it matters: Ozzy and Becky are already pulling up the fourth Aitu chest. They get it back to the mat while Jonathan and Jenny play Keystone Diggers, Jenny taking dirt Jonathan has just dug out and accidentally pushing it back into the hole, then the two of them trying to pull the chest out and dropping it back. By the time they get the chest back, Aitu is already trying to spell out victory with the flags. Candice, sensing her fate, mutters that she is going to Exile Island. One is tempted to say “Smart girl, that Candice,” but considering her decision to switch tribes easily ranks among the dumbest things a Survivor contestant has ever done, I think it’s fair to say Candice has forever forfeited the right to be called a smart girl.

Indeed, she and Adam once again have trouble figuring where and how to dig, not that it matters. Aitu had this won before it began. Candice was right about one thing, though. When Jeff asks who is going to Exile Island, the Aituans shout Candice in unison, like the patron of Cheers seeing George Wendt enter the bar. Jeff asks if it is due to strategy or the betrayal, and Yul says “Betrayal and strategy are the same thing at this point.” I think I know what he means, but he could have maybe phrased that better.

Cut to Exile Island, where Candice is feeling down. She tells us that it hurts when people you like want to see you suffer. You mean, like when you get betrayed by someone you liked and trusted? Is it like that? Idiot. Moron. Imbecile. We see her scrounge for food, then cut to Aitu arriving at the native celebration.

Nothing new here from any of the previous thousand times we’ve seen this reward. Well, one thing new. Some of the native tribe women, including two who take a strong interest in Yul, are rather zaftig. Rather zaftig. They make a Yul sandwich, and I’ll leave that one to the ladies to consider.

Back to Raro, Day 23. Jonathan is certain that if he continues feeding the tribe, they will keep him around. Now that we know his heritage, there’s an Auschwitz-collaborators joke to make, but I won’t do it. Instead, let’s comment on the treemail. Here is what the actual treemail says:

Any Explorer knowsTo study about where he goes.Disappointment shows.And for the losers… the “Tribal Council Woes.”

Wow. If that’s a treemail they’re willing to show, think of the one’s they are keeping under wraps. They are given a map to study, which in the case of Raro is like giving a dog a book to read. Jenny tells us in confessional that Rebecca is not strong in challenges, and there appears to be a race in Raro to see who can seal their own doom the fastest. I mean, wasn’t Jenny just telling us about the need for the group to stay strong? Idiot. Moron. Imbecile.

Cut to the Immunity Challenge, where Jeff tells a newly-returned Candice that since she jumped tribes, she’s spent three days at Exile Island and less than 24 hours at Raro. He says this like she hasn’t gotten the better end of that deal.

But what about the challenge?

Well, we can’t stay away from the water for too long. Four person teams again. One by one, each team member swims out to a pontoon, dives down, retrieves a bag with island names, then swims back. Once all four are back, the tribe needs to identify ten islands by matching the islands with the names they collected. Aitu has the Aituans competing; Raro has Nate, Rebecca, Parvati, and Jonathan, and if that isn’t a recipe for failure, I don’t know what is. Unless the islands include “Manhattan,” “Long,” and “Fantasy,” I don’t see Raro winning this one, even if they can compete on the physical portion of the challenge.

Ozzy and Nate are off first, in probably the least lopsided match-up. Ozzy wins nonetheless. Indeed, Yul is retrieving the second bag before Nate even is back at shore. And though there is a brief moment when Sundra has difficulty retrieving her bundle of names, Raro wastes it when Rebecca is unable to retrieve her bundle. She is still swimming back to shore when Aitu asks Jeff to check their work to see if they won. He does and they did. They take the immunity idol and head off, gone for this episode. Candice instinctively grabs her stuff to go to Exile Island, then realizes she doesn’t have to go. Before Raro leaves, however, Jeff gives them a sealed bottle and tells them not to open it and bring it with them to tribal council.

Back at camp, Raro debates the implications of the bottle. Most seem to think it is an indication that some sort of merge-like event will occur. There isn’t much talk at first about the vote, probably because they saw the foreshadowing earlier about Rebecca. Oh sure, there’s some Jonathan misdirection, and some future Jenny-boot talk, but barring some truly-shocking, gut-punching, mind-blowing twist – and when is the last time we had one of those from Survivor? – Rebecca is the one and only person going at tonight’s tribal council. Which begins, oh, say, now.

Jeff: You guys are losers. Jenny, any ideas why?

Jenny: I would imagine it has something to do with how much Rebecca sucks, which we address shortly.

Jeff: That true Rebecca?

Rebecca: Who are you again? Where am I?

Jeff: You’re on Survivor, and I am the host.

Rebecca: Oh yeah. I watched that once. Not so much these days. These days I spend hunting, fishing, clamm-

Jonathan: Me me me! I’m the one who fishes. Me! Me! Go on Jeff, ask me how many fishes I’ve caught. ASK ME!!!

Jeff: *sighs* Okay Jonathan, how many fish have you caught.

Jonathan: Twenty-two, Jeff. Twenty-two.

Jeff: How many were big enough to provide any nutritional value?

Jonathan: *long pause* Did I mention I caught 22 fish?

Jeff: Parvati. You still here?

Parvati: Yes, Jeff, and thanks for noticing.

Jeff: Adam. What is this vote based on?

Adam: We’re going to vote out all the people who are ineffective in challenges.

Jeff: You do that and only Nate will be left.

And with that, now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

Raroans vote, Jeff visits the Tallymon, Jeff reads, Rebecca leaves.

So, now we’re do-

Oh yeah. The bottle. Jeff tells Parvati to open it. She does, pulls out a note, and reads: “It’s a great day to vote someone out; let’s vote out two!” To which she adds “That’s not fun”, cinching her bid for Ms. Obvious 2006. Nate calls it wack. No Nate. Crack is wack. Crack is wack. Voting out another person is a wonderfully vicious twist. Yay, Survivor! One up TAR in the vicious twist department!

Which, of course, means that now is the time on Survivor when we vote again.

Everyone votes, Jeff collects, then reads – four votes Jenny, two votes Jonathan. Hmm. Wonder what the ethnic mix on those votes could be? Hmmm. That leaves four whites and Nate. Which means Nate is totally screwed unless a merge takes place or Jonathan opens his big fat mouth and rags on the tribe for being lazy and making him do all the work.

On the next Survivor: Jonathan opens his big fat mouth and rags on the tribe for being lazy and making him do all the work and, based on weekend NFL promos, the tribes merge. Oh, and Candice and Adam decide that winning Survivor is nowhere near as important as sucking face, so they suck face.

  ¶ 5:07 PM 2 Comments

  Survivor Cook Island

Episode Nine - NINE? We're Already Nine Episodes Into This Dog?

by Dweeze

Okay, here’s the thing. Survivor doesn’t get good until there are about ten or eleven people left. Up until then, you are still figuring out who is who, how each person is playing, what their per…

Sorry? This isn’t how a summary is supposed to begin? Oh. Okay.

Previously on Survivor:

Flicka floundered. There. Happy?

Anyway, up until the point where we are at ten to twelve people, Survivor is pretty boring to watch. This isn’t so bad when you start with sixteen contestants. In that case, you’re down to twelve in four weeks, to ten in six. But when you start with twenty? TWENTY? It takes nine weeks to get to eleven, especially if you toss a recap in there because you are worried about losing viewers to a World Series that drew no one but Cardinal and Tiger fans.

By the way, the Cardinals won.

So here we are, week nine, and we start the show with TWELVE FUCKING CONTESTANTS LEFT! And they wonder why ratings keep going down.

We open at Aitu, Day 19. Ozzy is asleep, the other Aituans are congratulating themselves and talking about how Ozzy is next out. Well, Jonathan is talking about how Ozzy is next out. Everyone else is listening. It seems at times that Jonathan is the only one to ever watch the show before, but that might not be a good thing for him. We constantly see him analyzing and working every situation.

I don’t have the heart to make this lengthy, so let’s just do it quickly. It’s not like anyone other than Estee is reading anyway.

Yul wants to stay together post-merge.

Candice tells us in confessional she wants to do a threesome with Adam and Parvati.

Jonathan tells Candice he wants to finally do a two-some with her. Or else go to the Final Two with her. It gets confusing.

Over at Raring to Go, everyone wants to stay strong after the merge.

Brad says after the merge it’s every man for himself. The other Raroans slowly back away from Brad.

Parvati says Brad is digging a hole where the rain comes in.

Nate says Brad is doing questionable things and is now Slim Shady. Of course, Brad is not the Real Slim Shady.

Reward challenge! But not just reward – a twist!

Jeff says everyone can switch tribes if they want. They just have to step off their teams mat.

Candice decides to switch, probably to get away from Jonathan. Jonathan decides to switch, to stay close to Candice. Candice asks if she can go back, but Jeff says no backsies. That leaves us with eight Raros and four Aituans.

Jeff asks if people are surprised. Yul says yes, Ozzy says no, Ozzy again showing good game sense. Suddenly, I want the four Aituans to be the final four.

Another Rube Goldberg challenge. Two men and two women participate. The women are in a barrel that the men push over an obstacle course. While they go along, they pick up four buoys. When they reach the water, they use the buoys to float the barrel out to the center of the lagoon, where they have to dive down and retrieve four flags. They then float the barrel back to the beach, roll it onto the mat, take the flags out, attach them to a rope, then dig in the sand for an axe, then take the axe and chop the rope raising the flags. The reward? Coffee, pastry, and letters from home. Aitu chooses – well, Aitu now only has four people, two men and two women, so Aitu has no choices to make. Becky and Sundra climb in the barrel and Yul and Ozzy are rolling out the barrel, they’ll have a barrel of fun. For Raro, Nate and Adam will push Candice and Jenny in the barrel.

The challenge starts, and the teams are roughly neck and neck to start. Raro starts to fall behind when they make the decision to stuff all four buoys in the barrel instead of doing what Aitu does and carrying the buoys. Aitu’s lead gets insurmountable in the water, as they move directly through the water and Raro gets caught in the current and pulled way off course. In fact, I think Raro is still in the water when the Immunity Challenge starts.

Well, not really.

Aitu gets the win, and Ozzy looks at Jonathan and says “Mutineers die first”. Or “Mutineers dye first.” It could be either. However, when asked who they want to send to Exile Island, they opt for Candice. Perhaps they realize that if Candice hadn’t made the jump first, Jonathan would never have switched tribes.

Aitu goes to reward. Coffee, pastry, hotel robes. Sundra says she felt down when Candice and Jonathan mutinied, but has never been so happy now. Ozzy says they are stronger than they were before.

Candice, on Exile Island, wonders why Jonathan switched. She said she needed to be with Adam and Parvati again. Yeah. Couldn’t do the smart thing and wait til you get reunited at merge, no. Had to get stupid.

Jonathan at Raro is trying to ingratiate himself with the tribe. He babbles on and on and then goes to work, trying to provide for the group. Idiot. Moron. Imbecile. We later see him telling Adam he wanted to reunite the four original tribemates. Adam is happy about this. For now.

Immunity challenge time. Four people in a boat, rowing around the lagoon. The boat has a glass bottom, and they have to use the glass bottom to drop a cannonball through a hole in the boat to try to hit a target, which will release two buoys. Each buoy has a letter written on it. There are three targets to hit, for a total of six buoys. When they retrieve all six, they are to return to show, take the buoys, and form a word with the letters on the buoys.

Raro has to sit out the four people who participated in the Reward Challenge. That leaves Jonathan, Brad, Parvati, and Rebecca in the boat. Aitu has the Aituans.

Raro takes an early lead, hitting two targets in quick succession before Aitu even gets one. After several attempts, Yul figures out the he can target the cannonball through the hole in the boat where the cannonball drops instead of using the glass bottom. This technique proves to be very successful. On the Raro boat, Jonathan, the bombardier, starts getting flustered and just firing cannonball after cannonball without trying to target the shots. In fact, he gets ticked off when Probst announces that Jonathan is wasting cannonballs.

Aitu gets their second and third targets, then starts back to shore. Jonathan starts staring at them instead of trying to hit the target, causing Parvati to chastise him and tell him to focus on the challenge. Too late, though, as Aitu hits the beach. They unwrap the buoys, one with a clue on it. The clue says “the most infamous mutiny in history occurred on this ship”. Bounty. Duh. This is as obvious to Aitu as it is to me, and they quickly complete the challenge, sending Raro to another Tribal Council. And with that, we have seen Aitu for the last time this episode.

Over at Raro, Jonathan is apologizing for sucking badly. He then goes out fishing, giving Candice a chance to tell everyone that she is not in the least bit tight with Jonathan. She adds that Jonathan is always working everyone.

Nate and Adam are talking. Nate wants Jonathan to go. Jonathan says there is value in keeping Jonathan around and sending Brad home, because Brad could jump tribes if there is a merge and Jonathan can never go back to the Aituans. Nate agrees, and offers to go lie to Brad so as not to give Brad any ideas. Hey, Nate! Where do you think you fit in with the Caucasian alliance? Idiot. Moron. Imbecile.

Candice and Adam are talking, and Candice tells him that Jonathan always wanted to send Adam to Exile Island because he thought it would break Adam. Adam now wants to boot Jonathan, though this is obviously the standard attempt to make the boot less obvious.

Jeff: Dweeze wants to make this fast, and I am more than happy to oblige. Brad, when Candice and Jonathan switched, did you realize you were now toast?

Brad: Jeff, I’m pretty sure I was toast before.

Jeff: Candice, care to suck up to your new tribe?

Candice: Absolutely, Jeff. This new tribe is so much better than my own tribe, and not just because there are more whites here.

Jeff: Jonathan, was switching tribe the idiotic act of an overconfident buffoon or a misguided moment of racism.

Jonathan: Little of both, Jeff. A little of both.

Jeff: Brad, do you trust the tribe?

Brad: Do I look like an idiot? Of course not.

Jeff: Fair enough. Time to vote!

We vote, Jeff reads, Brad is done, and as he reads the last vote, Jeff says “And the ninth person voted out of Survivor Cook Islands, and the first member of our jury, is Brad.”

Jury? JURY? An unforeseen twist that will actually impact the game? SWEET!!!!!

On the next Survivor, Adam and Candice reconnect, and Jeff gives the tribes a surprise in a bottle.

  ¶ 1:46 PM 7 Comments

  Survivor: Cook Islands. Episode Recrap+1 The One Where Size Does Indeed Matter
by Gothmog


So here we are again, me writing and you reading another in the long line of our creative efforts here at Circle Of. Before I go further, however, a caveat: I've been watching this season in a very desultory manner, but I'll soldier on for this episode to help out a friend in need and indeed. I especially was hoping to keep the TV off this week because next Tuesday is election day, and I live in Ohio. 'Nuf said. The sacrifices I make for you people.

Our story thus far: four scores* and seven years ago, EPMB brought forth on this network a new show, conceived in a pub and dedicated to the proposition that all people are attention whores and will greatly entertain us with their whistleassity. Now it's a piece of shit that jumped the shark long before Richard Bit the Shark. And yet we keep watching. You draw your own conclusions on that one.

(* I'm sure you don't need my help remembering who's scored with whom.)

Anyway. We start, as usual, with the previouslying. (I'd credit Landru for teaching me that verbal, but if try to satisfy all you footnote fetishists out there, we'll be here all day, so just go ahead and assume that anything remotely clever comes from elsewhere, mmmkay? After all, we here at Circle Of are all about the derivative humor.)

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the previouslying. There have been tribes. One is Ruhroh and the other Die-Too. I can't be bothered to remember precisely who is on which tribe because most of 'em are ferriners who all look alike to me. Hope someone checks their Green Cards before they try to vote, take my Social Security, force everyone to have abortions, and gay marry each other. Damn libruls.

At Ruhroh, some Muscular Chica was surprised to find that she'd been edited as this season's Bitch. There was the obligatory mud-wrestling challenge, 'cept'n someone forgot the mud, and the pixilation. The episode ended with the obligatory double-elim, since we started with 20 people and can't get 'em off our TVs fast enough.

At Die-Too, we learned of the Mysticism and Far-Eastern Philosophy that manifested itself in Plan DumbAss, the goal of which was to force the Hidden Immunity Idol to be played by one of two people, neither of which had it. End result? Die-Too said "Ciao, boi" to the Survivor for whom Gary Hogeboom is eternally grateful, since he's no longer the most idiotic person associated with the Kao Bois to appear on Survivor.

Not surprisingly, Ruhroh's TC demonstrated that both tribes are stocked with ferrin models with the IQ of gravel, rather than people who have, I don't know, actually watched the show. First, Die-Too got a chance to kidnap someone and save them from elimination. Did they choose the obvious target of the Chica Bitch, knowing this would throw Ruhroh's plans awry? Nope, they saved an Athletic Man most likely to whip their asses in Immunity Challenges after the merge. And Ruhroh went ahead and voted out said Bitch, whom nobody liked and would therefore make a great final-two opponent, choosing instead to keep someone who is nice, meek, and will be totally useless in the remaining pre-merge physical challenges.

Thus endeth the Previouslying. Cue the Oh-a-o-de-oh-de-oh so I can watch the intro again and try to learn who all these damn people are.

Wait, what's this? No Oh-a-o-de-oh-de-oh? Damn you, Mark Burnett. Damn you to hell. *sigh* Ok, we forage on. And I guess I'll have to start paying attention to the name thingies at the bottom of the screen.

After the obligatory nature shots, we open at Die-Too, where we (ok, I) find out that Kidnapped Athletic Man is Nate. He discusses botany with the Die-Too Alpha Male (like they actually knows what a hibiscus is) before they compare whose camp is bigger (like size actually matters--more on this later). Nate takes it as an honor that he was kidnapped, even though we already know it was only because the Die-Toos are, as we politically correct put it, Strategically Challenged. They ask him about his abilities, like if he's a good swimmer: stuff he says that don't matter. So we can be pretty sure we're heading for at least one, if not two, swimming challenges tonight.

We also discover that Jessica, whom everyone calls "Flicka" (y'all are gonna have to help me with that one, although I have to admit, she does bear a passing resemblance to a horse), was left out of the plans at the pervious tribal council, being the only one besides Wred Scin to vote for Plan DumbAss. She wishes she just had a clue.

Yes, she actually said that.

Hon, you might as well just tattoo that X on your rump right now, because you are obviously not long for this game.

Nate listens to the Die-Toos discuss alliances and strategies in front of him, pulling out his pretend notepad and taking notes. Evidently Shane's Blackberry or Greg's Coconut Phone weren't available. In the next segment, I'm pleased to discover that the person with the Hidden Immunity idol is actual named Yul. Way to go, Yul! Merry Christmas! (Ha! I kill me.) Anyway, he and 2 as of yet nameless chicks discuss their boot order: Ozzy, then Sharon, then Jack.

I finally get my Oh-a-o-de-oh-de-oh and discover who everyone is (or I would if I gave a rat's ass and paid attention), and that there used to be a Haiku and a Puke tribe. I must briefly mourn the loss of the Haiku tribe, because it would have been a great opportunity for me to bring up my recent favorite joke:

Haikus are easy
But they sometimes don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

But I'll have to let that joke go unsaid, now. Alas.

Commercials, brought to you by: Pringles, made in my own back yard, if you didn't know; Principal, which I ignore because it doesn't feature anyone named Victoria, who's gotta be pushing 100 by now, so maybe it's a good thing; Leapster, because kids certainly aren't already overstimulated enough; T-Mobile, with a coupla geeks totally unworthy of a 2-second Pulp Fiction reference; the saccharine penguins from Happy Feet with a public service announcement about flu; and Numb3rs, in which Rob Morrow just won't. go. away.

Back. It's raining. And we get Tree-mail. Yay! Time for a pome.

Doesn't matter, in this game
all the challenges are the same.
We're just grinding all our gears
Haven't had a clue in years.

The tribes get to choose which two items they'll receive as a reward. At Ruhroh, Brad keeps asking his tribemates "Do you want Brad? Do you really want Brad?" Ok, maybe he meant to say "bread," but Adam shore was creeped out. And I'm certain I know where Dweeze's mind went when Parvati started talking about the possibility of a peanut butter sandwich.

The challenge: each tribe will have 3 Swimmers and 2 Puzzlers. The swimmers each grab a club and start beating the tar out of Jiffy. Ha, no, but we can dream, can't we? Suffice it to say, the Swimmers will Swim and the Puzzlers will Puzzle. And since we're several weeks of tattered suits into the show, there's a distinct possibility of some pixilation titillation (which can probably be sung to the tune of Disney's Dalmation Plantation, if you're drunk enough.)

Their rewards? Ruhroh chooses Brad and peanut butter; Die-Too goes for potatoes and peanut butter. Figures I would get the peanut butter episode.

Die-Too has to sit 3 people: Braided Sista 1 (help me out here--can those of you who have watched all season tell those two apart?), Flicka, and Nate, the last of whom they don't trust to compete. Nate will rejoin Ruhroh after the challenge, prompting an "Awesome" from Parvati, who already has plans for the peanut butter.

Ruhroh strategizes over who should Swim and who should Puzzle. Naturally, they'll want the most athletic people to swim, right? Since they might be going out 3, maybe 4 times? Not so fast. Brad insists that he's too good at puzzles (Dood--it's a map of the world, with each piece containing a continent--how hard can that be?) and that their team would be better served if Braided Sista 2 (hereafter known as BS2) would flounder around for a couple of hours while Die-Too completes the challenge.

True to form, BS2 comes back keyless while Ozzy and Yul bring back two for Die-Too. BS2 is so exhausted that she crawls on the beach unaware of her wardrobe malfunction.

And there's much clubbing, and swimming, and keying. *yawn* Adam and Parvati take turns trying to play catch-up, while Ozzy, Yul, and Candace finish the Swimming, and Becky and Jonathan complete the Puzzling. Die-Too gets their peanut butter and potatoes, and send Nate back to Ruhroh, Adam to Exile Island, and the viewers into a coma.

Commercials: JC Penney announcing Biggest Sale of the Year!!!!!!!111OneOne. Coming soon on DVD, Cars, which I liked the first time I saw it, when it was called Doc Hollywood. Secret Platinum, with a woman named Sam who can help me move my sofa anytime, ifyaknowhutimean; Lance Armstrong for Bristol-Myers Squibb, talking about how suffering and cancer go together, which explains why he dumped Sheryl Crow just as she was diagnosed. Mazda, still using creepy zoom-zoom kid. JC Penney again, in case you forget within the last minute about the Biggest Sale of the Year!!!!!!!111OneOne. Some other CBS shows that I probably would pay good money not to see, and the obligatory shilling for Survivor paraphernalia.

Back. Candace, with her mouth full of peanut butter announces that she's in love with everybody she can see right now. Somewhere out in TVland, Billy's head is exploding. (No, I didn't see that episode, but I heard about it.) Candace and Flicka share a peanut butter kiss and Dweeze's head quickly follows Billy's. Flicka is so excited about her tribe's good fortune, although she confesses that things can change quickly in this game, so you never know what's gonna happen. So, so toast, that one.

Ominous clouds as Ruhroh points fingers for their loss. Nate tells BS2 that it wasn't her fault that black folks can't swim and joins his tribe in hurling some hatin' Brad's way. Nate also complains about his rough welcome home: he has to get some food and water while the wimmenfolk just lie around. Hey, must be pretty hard work, gathering information on a pretend note-pad and sitting out challenges.

At Exile Island, Adam builds a shelter against the income storm that looks about as effective as the Polish cavalry against Nazi tanks. He confesses that he's not happy with his tribe: hard to soar like an eagle (or, to run our NFC East joke into the ground, an Eei-Gul) when you're surrounded by turkeys.

Next morning at Die-Too, Ozzy catches a bird and kills it by biting its head off. Candace says Ozzy is half animal, half man, half fish, and half monkey, exhibiting the fine biology and math skills required for medical school these days. Yul says he underestimated Ozzy, and adds they should get rid of him before they all make like Katie Gallagher and gain weight on Survivor. Ozzy, Flicka, and Candace discuss strategy. Flicka wants Ozzy to tell her the truth, and she'll admit to her guilt. Candace tries to understand. Ozzy thinks, as the provider, if they vote him out, they'll have blood on their hands from their democracy. (And congratulations to the precisely one and half of you readers who actually GOT that joke.)

Commercials: E-bay, with a ridiculous exercise in hyperbole. Mucinex DM, with some graphic disease made to look cute. Ghost Whisperererer with Jennifer Love showing too much hair and not enough Hewitts. NFL on Sunday featuring Dolphins vs. Bears in a game I hope Rex Grossman can earn me more than (-16) points for my FF team. Teasers for TAR and Letterman. Local political ads featuring some of my area's finest lying, skeevy Republicans (ok, that was redundant). Teaser for the news.

Back. No tree mail this time, which is probably a good thing, since my students write better pomes than what we see here, as some of you already know. Adam returns from Exile Island, having survived the storm, unfortunately. We're at the Immunity Challenge, which involves--who'da thunk it--more Swimming and Puzzling. Tribes will build a staircase of logs up a platform, 3 members will slide down a zipline into water, retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces, and let remaining 3 tribe members solve the puzzle. So whaddaya think--is Brad gonna solve or swim here, huh? As Jonathan sits out for Die-Too, I have to comment on this Brad thing: Here they gave him such a hard time for Puzzling over Swimming at the last challenge, and yet, where do we find Adam for this one? At the Puzzle. Hypocritical Fucktards.

And. They're off. Jiffy launches into his annoying Name/Participle Phrase narrative as they drag logs. Then we get a nice bit of code. I'll let Jiffy's exact words speak for themselves here: "Women building it from the bottom up while the guys debate which is the longest log." Heh. Heh-heh. In this challenge, I guess size does indeed matter.

Die-too gets their staircase built first and Yul heads down the zip. Yul has his bag of puzzle pieces as Brad heads down the zip for Ruhroh. Candace and Parvati next go down the zip, as their teammates tell them each to keep their legs in the air as long as possible.

You know, sometimes, like Candace and Parvati, it's just. too. easy.

Ozzy and Nate anchor the zip. Ruhroh is way behind on the puzzle, but catches up and wins, even with puzzle master Brad hitting the drink on this one. Jiffy does the same-old "See you at Tribal" yadda as we head to:

Commercials: Ford Fusion, for guys who want to wig out potential employers by pretending to be their limo drivers. Centrum, in something thoroughly forgettable. Borat wannabes for Citibank. Still another JC Penney Reminder!!!!!!!!1111. Humira, for yet another disease (which I suppose tells you something about what CBS thinks are the effects of this show on people). Some crime shows, because there aren't enough of those already on. A Survivor question involving Rob C from the Amazon, whom I hoped I could die without ever seeing again.

Back. Die-too is bummed that someone *coughFlickacough* has to go home. Ozzy hopes that people aren't looking at him with accusation in their eyes (because, as you know, I believe there's no such thing as overkill when you're talking obscure jokes). Lots of scheming; Flicka is paranoid, and Ozzy is a physical threat. Ozzy opines that Jonathan really won't be necessary in the remaining pre-merge challenges. Dood--Jonathan sat out this challenge and you LOST. Good thinking, there.

Jonathan comes back from fishing as the tribe debates over Ozzy or Flicka. Yul and Ozzy also see Jonathan as a potential competitor after the merge. Everyone mistrusts Jonathan, whereas Flicka is just innocent and easy to read. So naturally, they're going to target Flicka. Morons.

Flicka worries that nobody really knows what's going on or what they're gonna do. She says, "I think they're all, like, 'Ahhh, I don't know what to do' because any of us can go." Jeezelpete, woman. What's the old poker maxim about if you can't spot the sucker at the table? It's been a while since they've had somebody this vapid on the show, and yet they put this Einstein on the puzzle-solving team. Someone shoot me now.

Mercifully, we head to Tribal Council. Let's look at the transcript, shall we?

Jiffy: Ok, gang. I need to bring up this season's racial gimmick one more time, so throw me a few profiling slurs that would make James Watt proud, will ya?

Jonathan: Not gonna play, Jiffy. Instead, I'll just flap my mouth and further convince people that I'm a scheming, backstabbing Yahoo who should be murdered in my sleep, first chance.

Jiffy: BS1, is it true that black women can't swim?

BS1: Word. You'll notice I kept dry during both challenges. Don't know what Homegirl thought she was about. Rush, as you know, is never wrong.

Jiffy: Jessica, everyone but you knows you're going tonight, so spread some love around before they push your ass out the airlock.

Flicka: I want to see how many cliches I can fit into my response here, so I'll talk about friendships, and roles, and mix 'n matching, and having fun, and Kum Ba Yah, and other such brakage. How'd I do?

Jiffy: Great. Yul, Jessica always gives delightful answers that never seem to reflect on the game.

Yul: I know, Jeff. Hard to believe someone this naive could have lasted so long, innit?

Jiffy: Damn straight.

Yul: At least with her, you know you won't get someone who will scheme and stab you in the back, so of course she's gotta go.

Jiffy: Works for me. Ozzy, you've become a provider. Is that a good thing, or are you just playing with fire?

Ozzy: If they vote me out, Jeff, I know what they'll find is in their mind.

Jiffy: It's what you want them to see. Right. Ok, Flicka, should we vote, or do you just want to bring me your torch now?

Flicka: Oh, let's vote, Jeff, so I can blow a kiss to my tribemates and look all all cute 'n clueless 'n stuff.

Jiffy: You could quite possibly be the stupidest person to ever play this game. 'Aight. We'll just state for the record that vote was 7-1 so Goth can wrap up this summary, k? Now. the big question is momentum: who has it? Maybe it could be discovered in another Plan DumbAss, if Jai-Ant were still around, but he's not, so let's just head to:

Commercials: Santa Clause 3, which I liked the first time I saw it, when it was called Santa Clause 2, Mazda with another chick being the man (must be the theme this week), Kohl's Super Saturday SALE!!!!!!11, for those not going to JC Penneys!!!!1, some women boxing (there it is again) for Advil, and more CBS whoredom.

Next week: Brad searches for his spine, and another surprising, shocking, game-changing twist that we probably have never seen for at least two, maybe even three episodes.

I won't bore you with any more of Flicka's closing cliches. Thanks as usual for reading; you'll be back with your regularly scheduled Dweeze soon, I'm sure. Gothmog out.  ¶ 1:04 AM 3 Comments