Survive This
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Episode Four: The One Where Not Much Happens Worth Commenting On
Cindy and her twin sister showed up at my door to deliver a pizza. I had no money, but fortunately they had an idea about how I could pay for my pizza. As they entered, they lit the candles they had brought and put some slow music on the stereo.
Sorry. That was previously in my dreams.
Previously on Survivor, Boredom Island:
Mr. Miyagi once again went into exile, where he was charged rent for his frequent visits. All the Survivors got together to play full-contact almost naked Twister. Misty was voted off, making it safe for people to say “What are you, a rocket scientist?” again.
What will happen this week? And why are you asking me? It’s not like I’m supposed to write a summary or anything.
What’s that?
Eep. Sorry. Guess it is my turn in the schedule. Well, it’s not like I am the one in charge of the summary schedule. How was I supposed to know?
What’s that?
Oh yeah, I am in charge of the summary schedule.
Hey! Look over there! Shiny things!
Okay, we pick up at La Mina the next day after tribal council. You always know that tribal council has been less than eventful when the next episode opens with the following morning. Eventful tribal councils result in the next episode opening right after tribal.
But it’s morning here at La Mina, and Sally tells us in confessional how she is concerned about being the odd woman out.
Strange. I always thought Peppermint Patty was the odd woman out. But no matter. Sally might not be a rocket scientist, but she does know the vote went against her, and she will need to make sure that the “big boys” (her words) know she is valuable. Like, if they had to, they could trade her to the natives for food, something La Mina needs desperately.
Sally might have her work cut out for her. Ruth-Marie is plotting with Dan to make sure she goes all the way. Or something like that. Personally, I think Dan has as much input into the decision making process as Reagan did at the end of his second term. But Ruth-Marie rightly figures she can make a younger woman appeal to Dan and only Dan. And it seems to work, because Dan does talk to the other guys who agree that Ruth-Marie can be final five with them.
Over at Casaya, Shane, Aras, and Bruce are gathering snails, correctly assuming that they don’t have the talent to catch faster prey. Everyone is lying around doing nothing, much to the chagrin of Aras, who proceeds to confront them, most specifically Courtney, about the lack of work. They then bicker and yell insults at each other until the rush into each other’s arms and make love on Shane’s stump.
His sitting stump.
Sorry. For some reason the channel just switched over to Cheers. On Survivor, Courtney tells Aras his concerns are stupid. Aras is willing to lose immunity in order to get rid of her. Cirie, who previously had been told she was the next to go, meaning she is final six at worst, is ecstatic.
Cirie arriving at the challenge.
Okay, reward challenge time. It’s dive-to-release-floating-puzzle-pieces-and-then-arrange-them time, a challenge we haven’t seen in, oh, what – two seasons? But what is the reward? That will be unique, right? Something cool we have never seen before?
Right. What am I thinking?
The reward is a bathroom, complete with sink, toilet, shower, and fresh water. At least we haven’t seen that in, oh, what – two seasons?
I won’t bore you with the details of the challenge. Like most of the previous challenges this season, at least it is another close challenge, with the lead going back and forth until Casaya eventually wins. And in addition to the bathroom, they get to decide who goes to Exile Island. They follow La Mina’s lead and send the perceived (and actual) leader of La Mina, Terry. Terry is off to Exile Island, where he will listen to Exile’s Greatest Hits like Kiss You All Over and Give Me One More Chance and I Don’t Want To Be A Memory and follow the comic book adventures of Blink and the rest of the Exiles as they jump from one reality to another trying to put right the problems of the worlds they encounter and how much of a geek am I for typing that sentence?
Back at La Mina, everyone is sad that Terry is gone. Apparently, Terry has put mind-dampeners on everyone to prevent them from thinking for themselves or working for themselves. Dan wants to make a go of it, but no one else does. They just want to cry. Cry, cry, cry.
Casaya returns to find the bathroom all set up and ready to go. Aras and Shane discuss using the bathroom to keep the wood dry. Meanwhile, Bobby grabs a magazine and heads into the wood storage container, where he promptly proceeds to prove Earl Butz right and, as Bobby says, drop a deuce.
Now, I’m torn. If there really is a problem with keeping wood dry, then maybe using the bathroom for that purpose is a good idea. On the other hand, it is a bathroom. Why can’t you use it for both?
Finally, over at Exile Island Terry, unlike the other two visitors, decides to read the clues provided carefully, think about them, and then act based on this information. You know, I don’t think this thinking rationally and constructively thing is ever going to catch on, at least not on Survivor. But it does pay off for Terry, as he finds his own personal idol (as opposed to finding one’s own Personal Jesus).
Back at Casaya on Day 11, the fire has gone out. Shane and Aras decide to move the fire pit, and Cirie decides to gain points by helping them. Her hard work is noticed. This all leads to a confrontation between Shane and Danielle about contributing at camp. A long confrontation. A long, not particularly exciting confrontation. Did I call this season Survivor Boredom Island? Strike that. Make it Survivor Filler Island. The whole thing is more cause for Cirie cackling.
Okay, IC Time! We have a balance, teamwork, and patience challenge. One person starts the challenge sitting on a chair suspended in the air over a pulley. A second person is in a tower above them beside an empty water drum. The remaining tribe members are tied together in pairs. They will race across a balance beam carrying buckets of water to the tower, where they dump their buckets into another bucket. The person in the tower lifts the bucket and pours it into a drum. The heavier the drum gets with water, the higher the person in the chair is raised until the person is high enough to reach a tribal flag.
The Immunity Challenge layout
I know what you’re thinking. Finally, a challenge where a weak, decimated teammate is a help, not a hindrance. After contemplating using Cirie, Casaya places Danielle in the chair and Cirie on the tower. Bruce and Aras are tied together, as are Shane and Courtney. I’m sure being bound is not a new experience for either of those two. La Mina responds with Ruth-Marie in the chair and Nick in the tower. Sally and Austin are one team with Dan and Terry as the other.
It’s a close competition, and the water drums are filling fast. As we near the end, Shane and Courtney are dumping water into their bucket as fast as they can. Opposite them, Austin has decided that neatness counts and is taking his time to fill his bucket without spilling a drop. If the editing is to be believed, this proves to be crucial, as Casaya is able to raise Danielle before Ruth-Marie goes up for La Mina. Casaya takes the immunity idol, and La Mina gets another fifteen minutes in this week’s episode.
But first things first. Before talking about who must go, the La Minites (La Minions?) ask Terry about his trip. Though they ask if he searched for the idol, they never ask if he found it. And now we know what Paula Jones’ attorneys are doing these days. Since they don’t ask the direct question, he doesn’t provide a direct answer. I don’t know why not though. Why not let everyone know you have the idol? That would mess up game playing as much as springing it on people.
Meanwhile, Sally is doing her best to save her place. She makes a plea to Nick and Austin, and then directly to Terry. 
Austin also talks to Terry, convincing him that they need Sally’s strength to get through the next few challenges so they can make the merge. Terry tells Dan and Nick, with Dan and Nick trying to change Terry’s mind again. They both think Sally can’t be trusted, that she will side with whoever gives her the best deal come the merge.
Sally preparing to plead her case to Terry.
Right. Like she’s the only one who would do that.
As we go to tribal, it’s left that the decision is still up in the air, but smart viewers know otherwise. And choosy mothers choose Jif, but that’s neither here nor there right now. Now, it’s time for Jeff, not Jif, doing that probsting questioning for which he is known far and wide.
Jeff: So Terry, how was Exile Island?
Terry: I didn’t find the idol. Nope. Didn’t find it. I have no idea what that idol shaped thing is in my bag back at camp, but it’s not the immunity idol that was on Exile Island. I mean is on Exile Island. IS on Exile Island. Cause I didn’t find it. So it has to still be there. On Exile Island. Where I didn’t find any immunity idol buried in a box underneath a “Y” shaped tree branch.
Jeff: Austin, what did you miss most about Terry being gone?
Austin: Well, Terry is laying the ground work for a Tom-Ian relationship with me, and when he isn’t there, there is no one to psychologically abuse me.
Jeff: Sally, you dominated the challenge.
Sally: Damn straight I did, though I do want to give all props to Ruth-Marie for the fine job she did of sitting in a chair. I mean, without her excellent sitting, all the difficult, straining, arduous work I did would have been for naught.
Jeff: Ruth-Marie, what do you offer the tribe?
Ruth-Marie: Did you ever see Summer of 42 Jeff? That’s what I offer Austin and Nick.
Jeff: Austin, make any mistakes out here?
Austin: If you leave off the foolish way I poured the water into the bucket at the challenge today, none.
Jeff: Dan, Nick – I have no desire to speak to either of you.
Dan: No problem.
Nick: I don’t like talking to me either.
Now is the time on Survivor when we vote.
We see Sally voting for Ruth-Marie, and Ruth-Marie voting for Sally. No other votes shown. Probst then does his tallyman dance, and it’s Ruth-Marie going home by a 4-2 vote. As she gets her torched snuff, she blows a kiss goodbye and heads off to good food.
Ruth-Marie’s family moment features several cast members from Deliverance telling her they can’t wait to see her again. And that she has a purty mouth.
And as we fade into the skyline of Vegas, Ruth-Marie says she was underestimated and that she is sad she didn’t win because she wanted to buy herself a new pair of breasts just like Tina did. Oops. My bad. She says she is humbled, cause getting voted out will do that to a person.
Next time on Survivor: La Mina finds something that’s hard to stomach. Zen gardens and the art of pissing off your tribemates at Casaya. Plus, it either rains, or Bobby drops a ton of deuces.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Survivor Asshole Island: Happy Birthday, Mr. President
By Wheeze
Wow, what a week of crazy news and Survivor porn. And believe you me, I feel dirty after writing this summary. I need a hot shower. Anyway...let's get down to it and get this over with.*
*that's what people say when they've been married 15 years, unless your name is Swami.
-------------
WHICH of these stories will YOU still be talking about tomorrow?
VO: Sometimes we write and the best we can write is worse than mediocre. Sometimes, these summaries just write themselves. And other sometimeses, we journalists are given the gift of a tragedy of epic proportions—
---no,not that tragedy, but another –
-- yes, another so horrifying that in order for a journalist to portray the truth in its purest form, she must BECOME ONE WITH the tragedy, herself.
And so your Wheezy*, Panamanian Correspondent on Southern and Latin American Zombies, Undead, and Future Mass Murderers, brings you Way Too Close and Much Too Personal with the Nuckyucks on Asshole Island. Wheezy, wanting to “become” the “tragedy,” reports from the “mouth” of the proverbial “cave” of insanity… deprived of cigarettes for the sake of her art. And on the verge of quitting absolutely everything. Wheezy?
*who is, indeed, giving you a sweater.
------------
Wheezy: Well, VO, everything except smoking. It’s too late to quit that. I done been quit already, three sleeps. And even though my mouth tastes as minty as the frosting on a toothpaste cake, I’m spitting nails at any dolt who...well, pretty much any dolt, regardless.
Yes indeedy, today I AM the jeopardized answer to “What is a four letter word for Shane?” And if I call him Shawn sometimes, or Jack Torrance, or Jack Effing Nicholson Stomping on a Goddamn Crack in the Sidewalk, you will deal with it. And shut up about it. Or die.
SNAKE MAIL:
If you move, I strike,
and if you do not move, I strike.
Oh, foolish people,
who killed my Nag!
--R.Kipling
But first, we dance for the dead.
Previously on Asshole Island: Teams merged into three groups: Team COBRA*, Team Shining, and Team Bruce. Young men torn between older men and younger women. Miyagi played Hardy Boys at Skull Mountain. Shane quit American Idol but Simon gave him another chance. Melinda Goodhair went home to bore her dog some more.**
*Career Overachievers and the Breast Reduction Alliance
**Not code
---------------
THE TRIBES
Team Cobra is a triple half-caf vanilla chai, easy on the fluff, cherries double-upped, seasoned, hold the shave. Blended. A barista’s hot, wet dream.* It's pretty, like this:
Sally/Austin
Misty/Ruth-Marie/Nick
Dan Terry
Team Shining is the acrid dregs of burnt Folger’s seared to the bottom of last Friday’s glass Bunn coffee pot in the dirty kitchen at the office where Dweeze works; repulsive, yet mysteriously irresistible enough to make you want to poke it.**
Courtney, Danielle, and Cerie make up the BBB.*** Arashole, Shanehole, and Silent Bob…I am speechless regarding this disparate gaggle.
Team Bruce.****
*not like that.
**or that
***Big Boob Brigade
****Joins Team Shining for challenges
----------------------
Okay, moving on already, goddamit.*
*the dotted lines symbolize vicarious cigarette breaks. Thank you, whoever took one for the team here.
---------------------
Right. So over at Camp COBRA, you’ll remember that Spank-My-Ass-and-Call-Me-Sally chucked the spear into the deep, oh so very deep sea of blowfish, while Famous Writer Heywood Jablowme gets his bones rubbed by Punky “Pepper” Brewster. Some girls just have it, use it, flaunt it, and win Survivor with it, she confesses. Right you are, Pepper – there was…well there was…Twyla. Almost. I can't think of anyone else, can you? Anyway, I’m surprised anyone lets li’l Punky Pepper
(not to be confused with her Team COBRA consanguineous counterpart, the whacky-haired ‘Freckles’) near them. She might be contagious.*
And down at the Overlook Hotel, Miyagi comes back to stay (!), washes everybody’s t-shirts, and tells them he is the ‘most important person of everybody’. Did you know he taught high school for 34 years? He also taught karate 40 years, and camped in the wilderness for 30 years**. Damn, he looks fine for 104. But Shanehole is the only one who will admit the truth: Miyagi is neurotic. Arashole shrugs and gulps some t-shirt water, and Freckles argues with the sensei, while being in complete agreement with him. Silent Bob makes his first appearance.
*Freckled persons are not a protected group, according to the Civil Rights Act of 1969.
**And when he finally took notice of his surroundings, he slapped his forehead, crying, “DOH! I’m surrounded by Jews.” Since there were ten more years before anybody was going anywhere, thus spake the LORD, he penned a few Israeli-Hawaiian-Martial Arts Spirituals: “Let My People Go (kick some butt),” “Ten More Years of Sand and Tears,” and my personal favorite, “Canaan, Cannon, YAWEH, Jesus; Christ! Can’t We All Be Friends?”
---------
Crawling, like a giant snail, back to COBRA Camp we go. Ruth-Marie cracks rocks and eats them. Punky gags in the hot snail* breakfast, improving its flavor somewhat. Nick says they are starving, and if they had two fish**...’they would be a whole different ball game’. Welcome to the sandlot, kids. Nick and Jablowme go fishing. Poorly. They yell. They lose fish. They mourn the damn spear that Sally rode to hell. They are starving.*** All they can catch is poisonous Puffer fish.****
*no snails were hurt in the filming of this reality show
**five loaves wouldn’t hurt, either
***You want I should give you something to complain about? Shut.Up.
****If only you had Miyagi on your team to strain them through some t-shirts for you.
-------------------------------
Finally, Terry catches Nemo and the COBRAs feel the meat, and eat it.
At the Reward Challenge: Bruce Bruce Bruce. Why, it’s Bruce Almighty.
Bruce is a Sayv-yuh, says that Boston chick who also happens to be Diamond’s best friend. I think we shall call her Boston Rawbin.
BREAKING NEWS: IN A MIDDLE-OF-THE-NIGHT SECRET SENATE MEETING, THE REPUBLICANS CUT TREE MAIL FROM THIS YEAR’S BUDGET.
Instead, we present a new, low-budget column, called Dear Shane.
Dear Shane,
Does Survivor have to pay royalties to the band every time your BOSTON tattoo is shown on TV and the Internet? Just curious.
Sincerely,
KANSAS
----------------------
BALLS IN A SLING – THE REWARD CHALLENGE
Instructions: Put your balls in a sling. Send them sailing. Pop somebody on the head with ‘em. Do not refrigerate. Keep out of reach of small children. This contest does not discriminate against traditional ball-lessness, size or texture – only ethnicity, age, and dicks named Cheney. Boobs are invited to participate.
Team Shining reads the rules and immediately segregates. Silent Bob, Orpah* and Miyagi are the ball-slingers, and the whiteys mount the log to await the descending testicles.
Team COBRA has Pepper, Ruth-Marie and Dan as slingers, leaving the judges puzzling over which rule, exactly, they were breaking. The rest of the COBRA team climb America’s hobby horse and play polo.
Orpah pops her blowhole, spewing balls across the ocean.
Pepper takes her thyme before assaulting. Dan pulls his balls off his chin, shoots, and kills Kenny.** Jiffy murmurs things like, ‘you’re up, so shoot’ and ‘that fell right in your lap,’ and ‘ready, aim, shoot.’ It gets so deep I’m finding it hard to swallow.
* no, that's not a typo. It's more of a melding.
**you bastards!
---------------------------
Okay, seriously. I’ll stop now. This is the same damn boring-ass game we played at The Cottage in Fremont, only we used rocks. Real clever, MB. Somebody wins, I don’t remember who. And they win something unfoodlike in appearance.
But the REALLY EXCITING PART is where Team COBRA gets to send somebody from the other team to Skull Mountain, and Shanehole utters a threat.
“We choose Miyagi-san. Him leader. Without him, you will crumble,” says Terry in his best Miyagian.
(now, here comes the threat)
Shane’s lip curls. He snarls menacingly, “You’re playing for keeps, huh.”
I swear on my son’s life he really said that. So off they go to their camps. Team Bruce heads back home to Skull Mountain, just in time to find another giant leaf with which to protect himself. Because guess what? It’s probably going to rain.
-----------------
Team COBRA, who won the reward, unwraps their dry goods and tarps* the shelter, which conveniently was designed by an astronaut and build like the Superdome. They are certain it will withstand a category five. Which, coincidentally, occurs. They take a minute to think about Bruce. But only a minute, until the feeling goes away.
*used here as a verb
-----------------------
Team Bruce reminds the world that he’s spent more time on the island than with any tribe. Weeeell, that’s what you get for being your ownself’s tribe. Don’t bring me down, Bruce. No, no, no, no, no.
We do not see or hear anything about a clue as to the whereabouts of the immunity idol.
Team Shining whines about losing Miyagi. Freckles slurs, “Ah tho’t it was onna the worst things anabody could do.” Yeah, that's pretty harsh. She fiddles endlessly with the pot until I want to jump through the TV and fix the damn thing for her.*
And then, something very strange happens.
*that means I probably better call my quit buddy.
------------------------------
REDRUM
While Freckles worrys over the pot of boiling water, ‘trying to figure out what to do’ with it, Shane sits poised on a stump he calls, “Shane’s Thinking Seat.”* After he declares that no one may sit on his thinking seat (please, he adds), Orpah and Boston Rawbin grin, and Freckles apparently steps on Shane’s last nerve when she says, “Why is that your seat?”
I beg your pardon? How dare you ask such a rude question. Shane goes batshit insane at Freckles. He screams, “Because I picked it! YOU WANT THIS ONE, I’LL GO GET ANOTHER ONE!! I WANT ONE! THIS ONE! IF YOU WANT THIS ONE, I’LL GO GET ANOTHER ONE—I JUST WANT MINE!”**
*not to be mistaken for Steve’s Thinking Chair. Totally different show.
**I started doing this too, and it’s very effective.
----------------------------
And then he spits. Freckles goes back to her fussing over the boiling pot. It appears she can’t figure out how to get it off the fire without getting Skupined. Shanehole approaches and stands menacingly, axe in hand, hair strands in place. But he knows this is not the time. They quibble again, he helps and she butts in telling him how to do it after she spent ten minutes begging him for help, and he’s done. He walks off stiffly into the woods, hopefully to take a dump or smoke a stick or something.
Arashole confesses he’s aligned with three nutballs. You know what I’m thinkin’ he is, right?
Orpah confesses ‘neener neener neener, you’re all stupid.’
Freckles confesses that she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. She’s frustrated.
And I find it incredibly amusing that the fire dancer can’t handle a pot of boiling water.
------------------------------
Tall-eyed crabs* skitter across the wave’s edge at COBRA, as Pepper and Sally chat with my homefry Nick and famous author, Heywood Jablowme.** Pepperspray is using her natural born gift of sexing her way to winning, and Spank Me Sally plays the innocent in this tag-team recruit effort***. We’ll see if this dynamic duo of dames can work the seasoned macho-campers, who appear to be intent on looking busy doing nothing.
Heywood confesses that everybody loves him and trusts him. This island is his, baby. And even if he doesn’t win, he’s gonna make the big bucks off this. Look for his book, “Heywood Jablowme on Asshole Island,” coming this fall to a bookstore near you.
*seriously
**well?
***coincidentally, back home they wear white shirts, black pants, and ride their bikes from house to house, knocking on doors at 8 a.m. Yep, you guessed it. They’re the Elias Brothers’ Traveling Busboys.
---------------------
And now, the PORN FEST you’ve all been waiting so patiently for. Can I get an Amen? Ah, hell. You saw it. It was the most boring challenge ever. TJ couldn’t be bothered to get me any photos, even. So I’m gonna skip right over that and go to:
TRIBAL COUNCIL! WOO HOO!
The team marches slowly, each in his own world of wonder about the fate that awaits under the glow of hot, flickery, lickery torches and thick, hard-as-stone…
WHAT!*
*you want porn, you’ll get it. In exchange for a carton of Canadian-born DuMaurier’s, regular regular. Not lights, not ultra lights, not kings. And a lighter.
--------------------
All right, it’s time for DEAR SHANE:
Dear Shane,
If you skewer yourself to death, I will give you a cigarette and show you my oobies.
Always,
REDRUM
-------------------
PORN FEST
There are five poles* in the sand. Or six. Who cares. Buried in the sand at the base of the poles are … something. Who cares! The object of Porn Fest** is to tackle people and let brutal animal instinct kick in. That’s it.
Team Bruce stops by to see if the other kids can play. Orpah wears a concealing pink hotshirt of Jebus, oh thank Him on high.***
*and two belgians, but who’s counting.
**known as Porn Fester in some circles.
***nope, not funny the second time.
----------------------
Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?
Round One: Women on Women
Boston Rawbin and Orpah vs. Smack Me Sally and Punky Pepper Pants
The women run to the pole and start digging. Pepper and Rawbin get busy and Miyagi cheers them on…probably not even sure he remembers who is on his team. Who cares! Arashole bites his pinky in anticipation, as the men shout ‘Sit on her!’ ‘Get on top of her!’ Orpah beaches on Smack Me Sally, and things start getting rough when the bag is pulled from its grave.
Orpah turns it on and plants her gelatinous cheeks firmly on the protuberances of the others. In time, all four are jockeying for position. Pepper, not your run-of-the-mill wimp, cracks down on Orpah. Terry pops a … grin over Rawbin and Sally rolling in the sand. Arashole feels tingly all over and gnaws on 6 of his remaining fingers. Pepper goes down, wedging her head between Sally’s long, lithe quads and she screams ‘Give it to me, bitch!’
Before things get out of control, Orpah pulls everybody toward her team and sits down hard on the mat, breaking it.
Team Shining: 1
Team COBRA: 0
Round Two: Men on Men
Miyagi and Silent Bob vs. Terry and Homefry Nick
Miyagi tackles Terry out of the gate like a gelding, unafraid of Terry’s metrosexual floral swim dress.
Miyagi takes on Homefry next, trying out Brokeback position #6. Terry and Silent Bob make a pretzel and tumble-bumble away. Jiffy notes that ‘Nick has position,’ trumping Miyagi’s Brokeback 6 with his Alpha 1. Women in the background yell ‘Get it up, Bobby!’ 
Terry sits on Silent Bob’s face, silencing him. Homefry breaks away and dodges Miyagi’s lunge, then takes the football across the goal line for the touchdown!
Team Shining: 1
Team COBRA: 1
Round 3: Two Men, One Woman (that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout)
Shanehole, Arashole and Frecklehead vs. Heywood, Ruth-Bob and Dingo Dan
Shanehole makes a beeline toward Dingo Dan and pokes him with his head, grabs him from behind and pummels him into the ground. Ol’ Dingo doesn’t know what hit him. Shane holds Dingo’s face in the sand, fingers on his pulse and glazed look in his eye, until he feels the life ebbing away. Meanwhile, Arashole is good for something. He finds the loot as Heywood facepants’ him.
Leaving ol’Dingo for the vultures, Shanehole, bursting and bloodthirsty, takes a flying leap at Heywood, tackling him. Dingo’s lifeless body shudders post-mortemly and Arashole, seeing Dingo as a threat, performs a half-nelson on the dead (and old) man.
Heywood and Redrum fight for all they’re worth, all the way to the mats, and it’s Jablowme for the score. Redrum vows revenge.
Team Shining: 1
Team COBRA: 2
Round 4: Two Women, One Man,
and one gratuitous ass shot for TJ ‘cause he deserves it.
Okay, so it’s Orpah, Freckles and Arashole vs. Spank Me, Pepper and Homefry.
Yeah, I know. Poor Aras. Poor Homefry. Who knew they could pitch a tent after all? See, they really are nature boys.
Everybody takes their time in this round. Swinging ain’t easy in this heat. Orgies are not for the faint of heart. Within seconds, Orpah gets the bag and passes it off to Freckles. Homefry sticks her, grabs the bag and is immediately tackled by…hell, looks like an octopus. “One big game of Twister,” announces Jeff, helpful-like. Sally looks around. “I like Twister…” she says to Jeff, hopeful-like.
Eventually, the Twister game turns into the chicken dance and Pepper’s the wishbone.
Orpah picks up Pepper, twirls her up above her head, and throws her into the ocean. When all looks like it will never end, Arashole gives Homefry a little tickle and breaks free, running like a bull back to holedaddy Shane.
The score is tied at 2.
Round 5: One Man, One Woman
Also known as the sanctity of marriage proposal. Please vote against it, for all our sakes. Thank you.
This round is Silent Bob and Rawbin vs. Ruth-Bob and Terry. Arashole chants: Go Bobdawg, Go Bobdawg Go! But he forget the clapping part. Bad cheerleader. And guess what? That wishbone thing up there ^ really happened right around here. And while I’m being honest with you, I should probably admit that I often confuse Rawbin’s crotch with Pepper’s*. Doesn’t Pepper have a swimsuit like Rawbin’s? Is there anyone who needs a cigarette more than me? Don’t answer that. Just smile and laugh, and in exchange, I’ll give you a photo here that should have gone up in, oh, I don’t know. Let’s say Round 2. Right before Dingo Dan suffocated.
Isn’t that just about the nicest form you’ve ever seen of Brokeback 17? Let’s give a little golf clap here.
*now there's an occupational hazard
--------------
Meanwhile, Rawbin picks up Ruth-Bob and carries her around like a baby, then slams her head on the ground. Silent Bob pulls out the sack, fondles it, and Terry pulls Bob’s trunks off. Gosh Terry. You’re one of the Older Men. I thought you could wait.
Ruth-Bob takes advantage of the distraction, grabs the bag and runs like the wind. But Silent Bob slides into her tailwind and rides her back to the mats, grabbing her daintily by the shirt straps at the last possible second and dragging her, cave-man style, to his mat, throws her down on it like he just came home with a hunk of wooley mammoth, and thereby wins PORN FEST for Team Shining.*
*I knew I should have watched Mike Wizowski instead.
------------------------------
Shake it off, people. It's over. Think about dead things.
Back at band camp, the COBRAs commiserate over their loss, and move on from grieving to the natural order of Survivor—deciding who gets the boot. After bits and pieces of conversations, our professional flirts appeared earlier in the day to be swaying the young gentlemen in their direction, but now...well...there was PORN FEST. And, you know. Cleaning to do. Around camp, I mean. And it’s funny...but Heywood and Homefry seem less interested now.
It appears that the choice is between Ruth-Bob and Pepperhead. And once again, the producers aren’t leaving us ANY CLUES AT ALL.
And so we head to the most boring tribal council ever.
Jeff: grabyourtorchdipyourflameandgetfire. Thisispartoftheritualoftribalcouncilbecause
Inthisgamefirerepresentslife. Aslongasyouhavefire,you’reinthegame. Onceyourfireisgone,soareyou.
Blah blah Terry, you coo’?
Terry: Yeah, I’m coo’. You coo’?
Jeff: Hell yes I am. You coo’ Dan?
Dan: I am coo’, Jeff. Thanks for asking.
Jeff: Well then what about you Misty? You coo’?
Pepper: You know it.
Jeff: Anybody not coo’?
(silence)
Heywood raises his hand: Sally chucked our spear in the deep deep ocean.
Jeff: Okay.
(silence)
Homefry: I’m usually sleepy after PORN FESTs.
(uncomfortable silence)
Jeff: Ruth-Marie, you’re old. You going home tonight?
Ruth-Bob: I guess so.
Jeff: (Idol chatter)
Votes: 2 for Ruth-Marie, all the rest for Peppermist.
Jeff: So Misty. Did you find the goods?
Pepperhead: No. I. Did. Not.
Jeff: Well fine then. Don’t be pissy.
And that's, like, the end. Peppermist says she was surprised.
Next week on Survivor: REDRUM
And this is Wheezy, signing off. Goodnight.
-------------------
VO: Tomorrow’s headline: DICK SHOOTS, MISTY ‘PEPPERED’
Good thing she’s a Survivor.
¶ 1:17 AM 9 Comments
Wow, what a week of crazy news and Survivor porn. And believe you me, I feel dirty after writing this summary. I need a hot shower. Anyway...let's get down to it and get this over with.*
*that's what people say when they've been married 15 years, unless your name is Swami.
-------------
WHICH of these stories will YOU still be talking about tomorrow?
VO: Sometimes we write and the best we can write is worse than mediocre. Sometimes, these summaries just write themselves. And other sometimeses, we journalists are given the gift of a tragedy of epic proportions—
---no,not that tragedy, but another –
-- yes, another so horrifying that in order for a journalist to portray the truth in its purest form, she must BECOME ONE WITH the tragedy, herself.
And so your Wheezy*, Panamanian Correspondent on Southern and Latin American Zombies, Undead, and Future Mass Murderers, brings you Way Too Close and Much Too Personal with the Nuckyucks on Asshole Island. Wheezy, wanting to “become” the “tragedy,” reports from the “mouth” of the proverbial “cave” of insanity… deprived of cigarettes for the sake of her art. And on the verge of quitting absolutely everything. Wheezy?
*who is, indeed, giving you a sweater.
------------
Wheezy: Well, VO, everything except smoking. It’s too late to quit that. I done been quit already, three sleeps. And even though my mouth tastes as minty as the frosting on a toothpaste cake, I’m spitting nails at any dolt who...well, pretty much any dolt, regardless.
Yes indeedy, today I AM the jeopardized answer to “What is a four letter word for Shane?” And if I call him Shawn sometimes, or Jack Torrance, or Jack Effing Nicholson Stomping on a Goddamn Crack in the Sidewalk, you will deal with it. And shut up about it. Or die.
SNAKE MAIL:
If you move, I strike,
and if you do not move, I strike.
Oh, foolish people,
who killed my Nag!
--R.Kipling
But first, we dance for the dead.
Previously on Asshole Island: Teams merged into three groups: Team COBRA*, Team Shining, and Team Bruce. Young men torn between older men and younger women. Miyagi played Hardy Boys at Skull Mountain. Shane quit American Idol but Simon gave him another chance. Melinda Goodhair went home to bore her dog some more.**
*Career Overachievers and the Breast Reduction Alliance
**Not code
---------------
THE TRIBES
Team Cobra is a triple half-caf vanilla chai, easy on the fluff, cherries double-upped, seasoned, hold the shave. Blended. A barista’s hot, wet dream.* It's pretty, like this:
Sally/Austin
Misty/Ruth-Marie/Nick
Dan Terry
Team Shining is the acrid dregs of burnt Folger’s seared to the bottom of last Friday’s glass Bunn coffee pot in the dirty kitchen at the office where Dweeze works; repulsive, yet mysteriously irresistible enough to make you want to poke it.**
Courtney, Danielle, and Cerie make up the BBB.*** Arashole, Shanehole, and Silent Bob…I am speechless regarding this disparate gaggle.
Team Bruce.****
*not like that.
**or that
***Big Boob Brigade
****Joins Team Shining for challenges
----------------------
Okay, moving on already, goddamit.*
*the dotted lines symbolize vicarious cigarette breaks. Thank you, whoever took one for the team here.
---------------------
Right. So over at Camp COBRA, you’ll remember that Spank-My-Ass-and-Call-Me-Sally chucked the spear into the deep, oh so very deep sea of blowfish, while Famous Writer Heywood Jablowme gets his bones rubbed by Punky “Pepper” Brewster. Some girls just have it, use it, flaunt it, and win Survivor with it, she confesses. Right you are, Pepper – there was…well there was…Twyla. Almost. I can't think of anyone else, can you? Anyway, I’m surprised anyone lets li’l Punky Pepper
(not to be confused with her Team COBRA consanguineous counterpart, the whacky-haired ‘Freckles’) near them. She might be contagious.*And down at the Overlook Hotel, Miyagi comes back to stay (!), washes everybody’s t-shirts, and tells them he is the ‘most important person of everybody’. Did you know he taught high school for 34 years? He also taught karate 40 years, and camped in the wilderness for 30 years**. Damn, he looks fine for 104. But Shanehole is the only one who will admit the truth: Miyagi is neurotic. Arashole shrugs and gulps some t-shirt water, and Freckles argues with the sensei, while being in complete agreement with him. Silent Bob makes his first appearance.
*Freckled persons are not a protected group, according to the Civil Rights Act of 1969.
**And when he finally took notice of his surroundings, he slapped his forehead, crying, “DOH! I’m surrounded by Jews.” Since there were ten more years before anybody was going anywhere, thus spake the LORD, he penned a few Israeli-Hawaiian-Martial Arts Spirituals: “Let My People Go (kick some butt),” “Ten More Years of Sand and Tears,” and my personal favorite, “Canaan, Cannon, YAWEH, Jesus; Christ! Can’t We All Be Friends?”
---------
Crawling, like a giant snail, back to COBRA Camp we go. Ruth-Marie cracks rocks and eats them. Punky gags in the hot snail* breakfast, improving its flavor somewhat. Nick says they are starving, and if they had two fish**...’they would be a whole different ball game’. Welcome to the sandlot, kids. Nick and Jablowme go fishing. Poorly. They yell. They lose fish. They mourn the damn spear that Sally rode to hell. They are starving.*** All they can catch is poisonous Puffer fish.****
*no snails were hurt in the filming of this reality show
**five loaves wouldn’t hurt, either
***You want I should give you something to complain about? Shut.Up.
****If only you had Miyagi on your team to strain them through some t-shirts for you.
-------------------------------
Finally, Terry catches Nemo and the COBRAs feel the meat, and eat it.
At the Reward Challenge: Bruce Bruce Bruce. Why, it’s Bruce Almighty.
Bruce is a Sayv-yuh, says that Boston chick who also happens to be Diamond’s best friend. I think we shall call her Boston Rawbin.
BREAKING NEWS: IN A MIDDLE-OF-THE-NIGHT SECRET SENATE MEETING, THE REPUBLICANS CUT TREE MAIL FROM THIS YEAR’S BUDGET.
Instead, we present a new, low-budget column, called Dear Shane.
Dear Shane,
Does Survivor have to pay royalties to the band every time your BOSTON tattoo is shown on TV and the Internet? Just curious.
Sincerely,
KANSAS
----------------------
BALLS IN A SLING – THE REWARD CHALLENGE
Instructions: Put your balls in a sling. Send them sailing. Pop somebody on the head with ‘em. Do not refrigerate. Keep out of reach of small children. This contest does not discriminate against traditional ball-lessness, size or texture – only ethnicity, age, and dicks named Cheney. Boobs are invited to participate.
Team Shining reads the rules and immediately segregates. Silent Bob, Orpah* and Miyagi are the ball-slingers, and the whiteys mount the log to await the descending testicles.
Team COBRA has Pepper, Ruth-Marie and Dan as slingers, leaving the judges puzzling over which rule, exactly, they were breaking. The rest of the COBRA team climb America’s hobby horse and play polo.
Orpah pops her blowhole, spewing balls across the ocean.
Pepper takes her thyme before assaulting. Dan pulls his balls off his chin, shoots, and kills Kenny.** Jiffy murmurs things like, ‘you’re up, so shoot’ and ‘that fell right in your lap,’ and ‘ready, aim, shoot.’ It gets so deep I’m finding it hard to swallow.
* no, that's not a typo. It's more of a melding.
**you bastards!
---------------------------
Okay, seriously. I’ll stop now. This is the same damn boring-ass game we played at The Cottage in Fremont, only we used rocks. Real clever, MB. Somebody wins, I don’t remember who. And they win something unfoodlike in appearance.
But the REALLY EXCITING PART is where Team COBRA gets to send somebody from the other team to Skull Mountain, and Shanehole utters a threat.
“We choose Miyagi-san. Him leader. Without him, you will crumble,” says Terry in his best Miyagian.
(now, here comes the threat)
Shane’s lip curls. He snarls menacingly, “You’re playing for keeps, huh.”
I swear on my son’s life he really said that. So off they go to their camps. Team Bruce heads back home to Skull Mountain, just in time to find another giant leaf with which to protect himself. Because guess what? It’s probably going to rain.
-----------------
Team COBRA, who won the reward, unwraps their dry goods and tarps* the shelter, which conveniently was designed by an astronaut and build like the Superdome. They are certain it will withstand a category five. Which, coincidentally, occurs. They take a minute to think about Bruce. But only a minute, until the feeling goes away.
*used here as a verb
-----------------------
Team Bruce reminds the world that he’s spent more time on the island than with any tribe. Weeeell, that’s what you get for being your ownself’s tribe. Don’t bring me down, Bruce. No, no, no, no, no.
We do not see or hear anything about a clue as to the whereabouts of the immunity idol.
Team Shining whines about losing Miyagi. Freckles slurs, “Ah tho’t it was onna the worst things anabody could do.” Yeah, that's pretty harsh. She fiddles endlessly with the pot until I want to jump through the TV and fix the damn thing for her.*
And then, something very strange happens.
*that means I probably better call my quit buddy.
------------------------------
REDRUM
While Freckles worrys over the pot of boiling water, ‘trying to figure out what to do’ with it, Shane sits poised on a stump he calls, “Shane’s Thinking Seat.”* After he declares that no one may sit on his thinking seat (please, he adds), Orpah and Boston Rawbin grin, and Freckles apparently steps on Shane’s last nerve when she says, “Why is that your seat?”I beg your pardon? How dare you ask such a rude question. Shane goes batshit insane at Freckles. He screams, “Because I picked it! YOU WANT THIS ONE, I’LL GO GET ANOTHER ONE!! I WANT ONE! THIS ONE! IF YOU WANT THIS ONE, I’LL GO GET ANOTHER ONE—I JUST WANT MINE!”**
*not to be mistaken for Steve’s Thinking Chair. Totally different show.**I started doing this too, and it’s very effective.
----------------------------
And then he spits. Freckles goes back to her fussing over the boiling pot. It appears she can’t figure out how to get it off the fire without getting Skupined. Shanehole approaches and stands menacingly, axe in hand, hair strands in place. But he knows this is not the time. They quibble again, he helps and she butts in telling him how to do it after she spent ten minutes begging him for help, and he’s done. He walks off stiffly into the woods, hopefully to take a dump or smoke a stick or something.
Arashole confesses he’s aligned with three nutballs. You know what I’m thinkin’ he is, right?
Orpah confesses ‘neener neener neener, you’re all stupid.’
Freckles confesses that she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. She’s frustrated.
And I find it incredibly amusing that the fire dancer can’t handle a pot of boiling water.
------------------------------
Tall-eyed crabs* skitter across the wave’s edge at COBRA, as Pepper and Sally chat with my homefry Nick and famous author, Heywood Jablowme.** Pepperspray is using her natural born gift of sexing her way to winning, and Spank Me Sally plays the innocent in this tag-team recruit effort***. We’ll see if this dynamic duo of dames can work the seasoned macho-campers, who appear to be intent on looking busy doing nothing.
Heywood confesses that everybody loves him and trusts him. This island is his, baby. And even if he doesn’t win, he’s gonna make the big bucks off this. Look for his book, “Heywood Jablowme on Asshole Island,” coming this fall to a bookstore near you.
*seriously
**well?
***coincidentally, back home they wear white shirts, black pants, and ride their bikes from house to house, knocking on doors at 8 a.m. Yep, you guessed it. They’re the Elias Brothers’ Traveling Busboys.
---------------------
And now, the PORN FEST you’ve all been waiting so patiently for. Can I get an Amen? Ah, hell. You saw it. It was the most boring challenge ever. TJ couldn’t be bothered to get me any photos, even. So I’m gonna skip right over that and go to:
TRIBAL COUNCIL! WOO HOO!
The team marches slowly, each in his own world of wonder about the fate that awaits under the glow of hot, flickery, lickery torches and thick, hard-as-stone…
WHAT!*
*you want porn, you’ll get it. In exchange for a carton of Canadian-born DuMaurier’s, regular regular. Not lights, not ultra lights, not kings. And a lighter.
--------------------
All right, it’s time for DEAR SHANE:
Dear Shane,
If you skewer yourself to death, I will give you a cigarette and show you my oobies.
Always,
REDRUM
-------------------
PORN FEST
There are five poles* in the sand. Or six. Who cares. Buried in the sand at the base of the poles are … something. Who cares! The object of Porn Fest** is to tackle people and let brutal animal instinct kick in. That’s it.
Team Bruce stops by to see if the other kids can play. Orpah wears a concealing pink hotshirt of Jebus, oh thank Him on high.***
*and two belgians, but who’s counting.
**known as Porn Fester in some circles.
***nope, not funny the second time.
----------------------
Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?
Round One: Women on Women
Boston Rawbin and Orpah vs. Smack Me Sally and Punky Pepper Pants
The women run to the pole and start digging. Pepper and Rawbin get busy and Miyagi cheers them on…probably not even sure he remembers who is on his team. Who cares! Arashole bites his pinky in anticipation, as the men shout ‘Sit on her!’ ‘Get on top of her!’ Orpah beaches on Smack Me Sally, and things start getting rough when the bag is pulled from its grave.
Orpah turns it on and plants her gelatinous cheeks firmly on the protuberances of the others. In time, all four are jockeying for position. Pepper, not your run-of-the-mill wimp, cracks down on Orpah. Terry pops a … grin over Rawbin and Sally rolling in the sand. Arashole feels tingly all over and gnaws on 6 of his remaining fingers. Pepper goes down, wedging her head between Sally’s long, lithe quads and she screams ‘Give it to me, bitch!’
Before things get out of control, Orpah pulls everybody toward her team and sits down hard on the mat, breaking it.
Team Shining: 1
Team COBRA: 0
Round Two: Men on Men
Miyagi and Silent Bob vs. Terry and Homefry Nick
Miyagi tackles Terry out of the gate like a gelding, unafraid of Terry’s metrosexual floral swim dress.
Miyagi takes on Homefry next, trying out Brokeback position #6. Terry and Silent Bob make a pretzel and tumble-bumble away. Jiffy notes that ‘Nick has position,’ trumping Miyagi’s Brokeback 6 with his Alpha 1. Women in the background yell ‘Get it up, Bobby!’ 
Terry sits on Silent Bob’s face, silencing him. Homefry breaks away and dodges Miyagi’s lunge, then takes the football across the goal line for the touchdown!Team Shining: 1
Team COBRA: 1
Round 3: Two Men, One Woman (that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout)
Shanehole, Arashole and Frecklehead vs. Heywood, Ruth-Bob and Dingo Dan
Shanehole makes a beeline toward Dingo Dan and pokes him with his head, grabs him from behind and pummels him into the ground. Ol’ Dingo doesn’t know what hit him. Shane holds Dingo’s face in the sand, fingers on his pulse and glazed look in his eye, until he feels the life ebbing away. Meanwhile, Arashole is good for something. He finds the loot as Heywood facepants’ him.Leaving ol’Dingo for the vultures, Shanehole, bursting and bloodthirsty, takes a flying leap at Heywood, tackling him. Dingo’s lifeless body shudders post-mortemly and Arashole, seeing Dingo as a threat, performs a half-nelson on the dead (and old) man.
Heywood and Redrum fight for all they’re worth, all the way to the mats, and it’s Jablowme for the score. Redrum vows revenge.
Team Shining: 1
Team COBRA: 2
Round 4: Two Women, One Man,
and one gratuitous ass shot for TJ ‘cause he deserves it.
Okay, so it’s Orpah, Freckles and Arashole vs. Spank Me, Pepper and Homefry.
Yeah, I know. Poor Aras. Poor Homefry. Who knew they could pitch a tent after all? See, they really are nature boys.
Everybody takes their time in this round. Swinging ain’t easy in this heat. Orgies are not for the faint of heart. Within seconds, Orpah gets the bag and passes it off to Freckles. Homefry sticks her, grabs the bag and is immediately tackled by…hell, looks like an octopus. “One big game of Twister,” announces Jeff, helpful-like. Sally looks around. “I like Twister…” she says to Jeff, hopeful-like.
Eventually, the Twister game turns into the chicken dance and Pepper’s the wishbone.
Orpah picks up Pepper, twirls her up above her head, and throws her into the ocean. When all looks like it will never end, Arashole gives Homefry a little tickle and breaks free, running like a bull back to holedaddy Shane.The score is tied at 2.
Round 5: One Man, One Woman
Also known as the sanctity of marriage proposal. Please vote against it, for all our sakes. Thank you.
This round is Silent Bob and Rawbin vs. Ruth-Bob and Terry. Arashole chants: Go Bobdawg, Go Bobdawg Go! But he forget the clapping part. Bad cheerleader. And guess what? That wishbone thing up there ^ really happened right around here. And while I’m being honest with you, I should probably admit that I often confuse Rawbin’s crotch with Pepper’s*. Doesn’t Pepper have a swimsuit like Rawbin’s? Is there anyone who needs a cigarette more than me? Don’t answer that. Just smile and laugh, and in exchange, I’ll give you a photo here that should have gone up in, oh, I don’t know. Let’s say Round 2. Right before Dingo Dan suffocated.
Isn’t that just about the nicest form you’ve ever seen of Brokeback 17? Let’s give a little golf clap here.*now there's an occupational hazard
--------------
Meanwhile, Rawbin picks up Ruth-Bob and carries her around like a baby, then slams her head on the ground. Silent Bob pulls out the sack, fondles it, and Terry pulls Bob’s trunks off. Gosh Terry. You’re one of the Older Men. I thought you could wait.
Ruth-Bob takes advantage of the distraction, grabs the bag and runs like the wind. But Silent Bob slides into her tailwind and rides her back to the mats, grabbing her daintily by the shirt straps at the last possible second and dragging her, cave-man style, to his mat, throws her down on it like he just came home with a hunk of wooley mammoth, and thereby wins PORN FEST for Team Shining.*
*I knew I should have watched Mike Wizowski instead.
------------------------------
Shake it off, people. It's over. Think about dead things.
Back at band camp, the COBRAs commiserate over their loss, and move on from grieving to the natural order of Survivor—deciding who gets the boot. After bits and pieces of conversations, our professional flirts appeared earlier in the day to be swaying the young gentlemen in their direction, but now...well...there was PORN FEST. And, you know. Cleaning to do. Around camp, I mean. And it’s funny...but Heywood and Homefry seem less interested now.
It appears that the choice is between Ruth-Bob and Pepperhead. And once again, the producers aren’t leaving us ANY CLUES AT ALL.
And so we head to the most boring tribal council ever.
Jeff: grabyourtorchdipyourflameandgetfire. Thisispartoftheritualoftribalcouncilbecause
Inthisgamefirerepresentslife. Aslongasyouhavefire,you’reinthegame. Onceyourfireisgone,soareyou.
Blah blah Terry, you coo’?
Terry: Yeah, I’m coo’. You coo’?
Jeff: Hell yes I am. You coo’ Dan?
Dan: I am coo’, Jeff. Thanks for asking.
Jeff: Well then what about you Misty? You coo’?
Pepper: You know it.
Jeff: Anybody not coo’?
(silence)
Heywood raises his hand: Sally chucked our spear in the deep deep ocean.
Jeff: Okay.
(silence)
Homefry: I’m usually sleepy after PORN FESTs.
(uncomfortable silence)
Jeff: Ruth-Marie, you’re old. You going home tonight?
Ruth-Bob: I guess so.
Jeff: (Idol chatter)
Votes: 2 for Ruth-Marie, all the rest for Peppermist.
Jeff: So Misty. Did you find the goods?
Pepperhead: No. I. Did. Not.
Jeff: Well fine then. Don’t be pissy.
And that's, like, the end. Peppermist says she was surprised.
Next week on Survivor: REDRUM
And this is Wheezy, signing off. Goodnight.
-------------------
VO: Tomorrow’s headline: DICK SHOOTS, MISTY ‘PEPPERED’
Good thing she’s a Survivor.
¶ 1:17 AM 9 Comments
Monday, February 13, 2006
Survivor Panama, Episode Two
This Game Isn't Fair
by Diamond
Previously on Survivor: Asshole Island, TJ opened up the new season and came up with an awesome name for the show, which I stole because it's not like I could come up with anything better. He also came up with some great tribe names, which I'm sure we'll be able to use for many, many episodes. Burnett went gimmick-wacky with four tribes of four divided by age, a ridiculous concept called Asshole Island, and another hidden immunity idol. However, his streak of creativity did not apparently extend to his casting decisions, because this group of losers is so unremarkable that I can barely tell them apart from each other or remember any of their names. Skulls were cracked, Shane revealed that severe nicotine withdrawal was going to pave his path to victory, Cirie's untethered boobs threatened to kill us all, a sea turtle committed suicide rather than subject itself to the blatherings of a bunch of soulless twits, and Team Scout made the brilliant choice to boot Tina, the only person on their team who had any discernible skills.
Credits. Commercials. You better buy your girlfriend diamonds from Kay Jewelers. If you don't, it's obvious you don't love her. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is starring in a new late-season replacement sitcom called "The New Adventures of Old Christine." If the fantastic title doesn't hook you, surely the prospect of yet another show doomed by the Seinfeld curse will.
We rejoin our Survivors on Night 3, in the Team Rudy shelter, in the middle of a fierce thunderstorm, where they are huddling together, trying to keep warm and stay dry, while at the same time not touch each other that way. But it's not working. The keeping dry part, I mean. Shane informs us that they had to do some emergency repairs, but they're still getting wet.
Shane: It's unbelievable, man! This place breeds bad luck!
I guess, if by "bad luck" he means "too much bitching" and "not enough working." God apparently agrees with me and proceeds to strike Shane with lightning. Unfortunately, we will find out later that Shane was not actually vaporized.
At Team Robbbb's camp, the guys are finding out that their "couple of loose sticks and a palm frond" isn't going to win any shelter-building prizes. I guess Aras's plan to use his Jedi yoga mind meld to repel the water didn't work. Oh well, at least it provides BobbyBobDawg the opportunity to practice his blow job technique.
At Team Scout's camp, the ladies attempt to start a fire, and even with the flint, they appear to be having trouble. Well, that didn't take long. Good thing they voted out Tina.
And finally, we segue over to Team Heidi, where Sally and Courtney are demonstrating their pole-manipulating skills.
Courtney: Oooohhhh! It's ripe! We can eat this right now!
Sally: It's gonna be so good!
They head to the beach, where all four girls are now eating and moaning with pleasure. Misty may actually have an orgasm, but later says she's going to cry. Her arm and hand, incidentally, are covered in nasty red sores. I think it's best if we don't ask where those came from.
Back at Team Rudy, Shane walks along the beach and engages in some self-flagellation over the fact that he misses his kid and has no idea why he came on the show, because it's not like he needs the money. We're only four days in, and we're already getting the soft, sentimental, I Miss My Family Music that usually doesn't show up till weeks into the show (conveniently around the same time of the family visit, not at all prompted by the producer's questions, I'm sure; but anyway, I'm getting way ahead of things).
Good time to figure this out. You couldn't have given it some thought in the, I don't know, what must have been weeks of casting process, and given your spot to someone who actually wanted it? And spared us from having to listen to your whining? You have seen the show before, haven't you? It's not like it's a mystery that you have to be away from your family for an extended period of time. Jesus. This can only end badly.
In his own words:
Shane: This whole scenario is so different than the way that I live my life, like, my life is very busy and it's always all the time, like, ADD, you know what I mean, psycho boy, and I have a real hard time with the nothin'-to-do part.
He then berates the sand fleas and yells at God to stop with the downpours. God laughs and launches another lightning bolt.
God: Suck on that, asswipe.
On to the reward challenge. The tribes file in, and Jiffy immediately throws a wrench into things by telling the tribes to go stand on a bunch of colored discs, men on one side, women on the other. Turning over the discs reveals new buffs for Terry and Danielle. Yes, they are going to pick two new tribes, kickball-style, alternating male-female, with each new person picking the next one.
Wow, this is FANTASTIC. This worked out so well the last time they did it this way. And one episode? That's all we get with the four tribes? I guess that's why Jiffy never bothered to refer to any of the four tribes by their actual names, since we'd never actually need to know them. It's not like I particularly cared for the arrangement, but it annoys me that it was presented as such a big deal, and then it wasn't. Obviously, it was only sustainable for a few episodes, max, but giving up on it after one just seems really lame.
Look, it's a given that the show needs to change a little every season, both in order to mess with the contestants strategies and make for good, fresh teevee, while at the same time, keeping the basic structure of the game intact, because that's what makes the show so popular. But the problem here is that Burnett is clearly out of ideas. He either comes up with new things like four small tribes, but then doesn't commit to them, or he comes up with things like Asshole Island, which are stupid, or he recycles shitty ideas from previous seasons. The first time we had a tribal switch, it was a huge deal, but after twelve seasons, the switching around has already been done every which way, and it's all starting to blur together, and it's just not interesting anymore.
Here's what I think would be great - and I had this idea way back around season 4 or 5, which was when it started getting stale - put everyone at the same camp. There have been hints at this before - at the beginning of Palau, and at the merge in Thailand. But those were only temporary situations - I would have everyone at the same camp and keep them there for the whole show. If you still wanted to maintain the tribal divide, you just have the two tribes at the same camp. What it does is provide lots of opportunity for conflict, particularly over whether the tribes should share resources, as well as for development of friendships and/or alliances between tribes early on. The show is most interesting when the alliances are fluid, so the more opportunity you give to the tribes to mix, the better, I say. Along those lines, I'd go even further - don't have stable tribes at all. Sure, that would be a pretty serious change to the game structure, but not so much that it would ruin it, and I think the show needs a big change. The way I envision it, all the contestants live at the same camp. You still have reward and immunity challenges, but you choose teams randomly at the beginning of each challenge. That way, you have a different mix of people voting at every tribal council. Alliances are harder to maintain because you never know if you're all going to be on the same team, and there could be a lot more power-shifting.
I don't know. Maybe it's a ridiculous idea, but there it is. I'll just sit here and wait for Mark Burnett to call me with an offer to help produce the next edition. Where was I, anyway? Oh yeah, we were picking new tribes.
So we have Terry as the first member of La Mina, and Danielle as the first member of Casaya. Danielle picks first, choosing "the cool guy" with the Boston tattoo. If you're like me, you're a little confused at this point, because she's talking about Shane, who is the last person you'd ever call "cool." So Danielle's judgment is immediately suspect. I also had a brief moment of panic because I thought the tattoo was for the city of Boston, and I was going to have to emphatically disclaim any affiliation with him. But then I remembered that he has Boston tattooed on his chest (along with a scattering of other bits of writing), Memento-style, because his ADD-addled brain probably can't remember his own son's name.
Terry picks Sally, which seems like a safe choice, for the moment. Shane picks Courtney. Sally picks Austin, calling him "the fast guy," which I don't recall seeing any evidence of, but I'll take her word for it. Courtney picks Aras, I guess because the froot-loops tend to stick together. Austin picks Misty. With all the younger women gone, Aras now has to choose one of the three older women. And he picks...Cirie? An odd choice, I have to say, given that Ruth-Marie is still there. She may be a lot older than Cirie or Melinda, but she's obviously way more athletic. Maybe she gives off bad yoga vibes or something. I don't know. Misty chooses Nick. Cirie chooses BobbyBobDawg. Nick quickly snaps up Ruth-Marie, Bobby takes Melinda, the last woman left, and in the final pick, Ruth-Marie chooses Astronaut Dan as this season's Mr. Irrelevant.
So in summary, La Mina consists of Terry, Sally, Austin, Misty, Nick, Ruth-Marie, and Dan, while Casaya consists of Danielle, Shane, Courtney, Aras, Cirie, Bobby, and Melinda. Anyone else besides me see a second coming of Ulong in our future?
Left without a tribe is Bruce, or as he is also known, Mr. Miyagi. Personally, I have a hard time calling him that, because I've never seen The Karate Kid, so it doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I like to think of him as "Painless," because his last name (Kanegai) sounds just like the name of the medical examiner in Presumed Innocent, "Painless" Kumagai. Of course, the original Painless was either incompetent or corrupt (I forget which; it's been a while), which does not bode well for Bruce. But anyway, the consequences of not getting picked are that Bruce gets sent to Asshole Island for three days and gets immunity at the next tribal council. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me, on both counts. When he comes back, he gets to sit in on tribal council for whichever tribe loses, and then replaces the person who gets voted out.
Painless wastes no time getting away, and it's on to the reward challenge, for a raft and fishing gear. It's yet another mega-obstacle course, with the twist that the Survivors have to retrieve and carry six wooden snakes along the way. Kind of random, but okay. Mostly I think Jiffy just likes saying "wooden snake" a lot. The last two snakes are buried in a deadly pit of leaves. I think we can all guess right now which team will lose.
The tribes are pretty even for most of the race. Highlights include Austin getting whacked in the back with one of the wooden snakes; Shane falling off the balance portion and having to start over, because he sucks; Cirie landing crotch-first on Bobby's head (his actual head, the one on top of his shoulders; because otherwise, gross); and Jiffy helpfully yelling, "This is going to be a challenge for the snake wranglers! It's a lot to handle!" Oh sure, Iike we haven't heard that one before. Ain't always true, is all I'm saying. What? I'm still talking about the challenge.
In the end, as expected, Casaya is done in by the leaves, Jiffy's got nothin' for them, and La Mina wins the fishing gear.
Commercials. Guess what I won't be watching? Dr. Phil's Valentine's Day primetime special with Paula Abdul.
The new Casaya tribe heads back to their camp, formerly Team Scout's camp, where Shane immediately decides to rip the guys from his old tribe for that greatest of sins, wanting to work. Logic not being his strong suit, he has yet to make the connection between the "working" and the "shelter. Crazy, I know. Although I suppose when you have the ability to have God do your bidding when you don't want rain, shelter is not an issue. Shane reveals that he's "34 going on 12." I'm totally with him on the "going on 12 part" (though of course that's probably an insult to 12 year-olds, many of whom are more mature than this nitwit), but yikes, 34? Really? I'd say he looks at least ten years older, and not in a good way. That three pack-a-day habit has not been kind.
The tribe then inspects their new shelter, which Cirie says has kept them dry. Too bad none of the new tribe members ask who actually built the damn thing, because it would have been hilarious for Cirie and Melinda to have to admit it was the chick they voted out.
Cirie doesn't care for Courtney so much. She doesn't seem impressed by Courtney's fire dance, which mostly consists of her clapping and chanting "fuego, fuego, feugo" like an idiot, or with Courtney's declaration that she's "gangsta Hollywood" because she lives near Playboy Liquors or something. BobbyBobDawg does not seem impressed either, and looks like he'd like bust on her cracker-ass posing, but then thinks better of it after remembering that he's been seen wearing Amherst crew shirt.
Courtney likes having more people around. Shane just likes having girls around. And you know, I don't usually mind the use of "girls" when talking about women, as long as the context is informal (hell, I do it myself), but somehow, coming out of Shane's mouth, it's really, really skeevy, like, I imagine him in real life going after actual girls, the underage kind. He's just so icky. Melinda says she and Cirie don't fit in with the rest of the tribe, and if they lose the next immunity challenge, they're screwed.
Every summary needs a gratuitous picture, and I feel like I should be posting a picture of a shirtless guy, but, well, the guys in this cast really bore me. So instead you get this really cool lizard/iguana-type animal.
Yo, yo. Shane rounds up Danielle, Courtney, and Aras to be his iron-clad final-four alliance. He demands that they not make it dramatic and cheat on each other (because god forbid anyone should ever put their own self-interest ahead of their alliance's), and swears on his son's life. And then he threatens to find and kill anyone who betrays him. Wow, he's like Lex, but without the charm.
Over at La Mina, Terry approaches Austin and Nick about the possibility of forming a four-person alliance with him and Astronaut Dan. Nick agrees, but seems less than enthused. Sally then asks Austin to talk to Nick about forming a four-person alliance with her and Misty, to which he also seems to agree.
Lest we forget about him, we must take a trip out to Asshole Island to visit with Painless. We see him receive a second clue to the whereabouts of the hidden immunity idol, along with the first clue that Misty got, about "why" fate chose her to be the first one out there. Normally, I'd take issue with the inappropriate use of quotation marks to indicate emphasis, but in this case, I suspect that's actually the clue, probably having something to do with the letter "Y." Given that the majority of the contestants are stone-cold idiots, my guess is that in order to guarantee that someone actually finds the idol before the season's over, the producers painted a big red "Y" somewhere on the island and put the idol on top of it. Anything less obvious would probably be too much for them to handle (with the possible exception of Astronaut Dan, who is smarter than all the rest of them combined). Anyway, the new clue is that the idol is not present in a certain marked-off portion of the island, and that it's above the tide line. Which Bruce interprets as being right against the cliffs. I'm not sure how that necessarily follows from the clue - above includes a lot more territory than at, but whatever. Trying to divine the motives of Survivor contestants is always a dubious prospect.
Painless says being on the island is no big deal, just a mere inconvenience. He tries to make a fire and breaks the flint. Well-done. Then he practices some sort of martial art because it helps him prepare for battle, or something. You're going to make me call him Mr. Miyagi whether I want to or not, aren't you? FINE. By the way, for a 58 year-old guy, dude is ripped.
Night falls, bringing more rain, and now the island is not so much inconvenient, as evil. Rain is evil!
And that is it for Asshole Island, because watching one person with no one but the crew to talk to and nothing to do is boring. As far as the gimmicks go, this one may (key word: "may") be interesting with respect to the effect it has on the game, but from a viewer's standpoint? It's a total dud - it's going to be mostly the same for every person who gets sent there. They'll sit around, they'll look for the immunity idol, and that's about it.
Commercials. JC Penny also wants you to know that diamonds are the only way to say "true love." Although rubies might work too. As a general rule, if your phone doesn't reach all the way to the stove, and you don't have a cordless, it's probably best not to make phone calls while cooking, whether to credit card companies with endless automated phone trees, or to anyone else, really. Is everyone at Mohegan Sun like this Jessica Sparsky person? Because if they are? It's not really a draw. I'm just saying.
Back at La Mina camp, the tribe is preparing to use its new fishing equipment. Terry takes some practice shots with the spear and demonstrates how to use it. Most notable about this scene are the dark blue knee socks Sally is inexplicably wearing. Seriously, why? Why would she wear those? I am choosing to believe that she has a circulatory disorder, or is possibly a burn victim, and that the socks are some sort of medically necessary pressure garment-type socks, because I cannot believe any sane person would wear those voluntarily (with a bikini, anyway; they might be acceptable with a long skirt, but that's as far as I'm willing to go). It upsets my worldview too much to think otherwise.
Sally and Nick get the honor of taking the raft out to fish first. We see a bunch of flying fish jumping out of the water, so we know there are certainly plenty of fish out there. Sally tempts fate by saying she should probably practice some more, because she doesn't want to lose it. That's not a bad idea, but might have been better had she thought of it while back on land, or in shallower water. And what do you know, it shoots off her arm and floats sadly down to the bottom, out of reach.
Learning of this development, Terry is none too happy, his dreams of being the new Tom now going down the drain. Poor Terry. First he's upstaged by an astronaut (surely he must have thought he'd have the coolest job this season), and now this.
Well, no matter. It's time for the immunity challenge. Jiffy asks the tribes how they're doing.
Misty: We're all flowers and sunshine and rainbows over here. *twinkle*
Shane: I don't know how they can be all positive. I'm not going to lie. I am a freakin' psycho.
Jiffy: Okay...uh, let's get to today's challenge. The goal is to work as a team to transport a giant zombie head from the ocean to the beach.
The emphasis is all Jiffy's. I think he's trying to make everyone cower at the scariness of the giant zombie head, but it just comes out sounding ridiculous because he takes it so damn seriously. Also, can I just ask here what the connection is between Panama and zombies? Does Panama have an actual history of zombies, or is Burnett just making shit up now? I know the themes are always pretty hokey, but at least they always seemed to have some connection, however tenuous, to the history and/or culture of the location. But seriously, zombies?
Anyway, the challenge: each tribe has a boat with a bunch of holes. Five members sit in the boat and bail it out, while the others go in the water and drag the large crate anchoring the boat towards shore. Drag the boat onto shore, hook it to a hitching post, pull the anchor onto shore, then put the giant zombie head onto the giant zombie body, and win the immunity kebab.
Highlights: Casaya is "absolutely inept," according to Jiffy's play-by-play, even going backwards at one point, Shane is useless (unsurprisingly), and, despite Jiffy's attempts to make it appear close, La Mina kicks Casaya's ass and wins immunity.
Commercials. Even the dulcet tones of Kiefer Sutherland cannot convince me that a partnership between Verizon and MCI is a good idea. No. Just No. This commercial with the doctor killing the fly and then the mother and daughter think they killed the husband? Like, what is that an ad for? Does anyone know?
Back at Casaya camp after the immunity challenge loss, it's the fucking Shane show again. He hates to lose. He's beat. He's wiped out. He wants a cigarette, a coffee, and a big sandwich. He wants to call his kid. I want to poke my own eyes out.
Shane: This is the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. I am NOT well.
I won't argue with the "not well" part, and while I agree that coming on this show was clearly a colossally stupid move, somehow I have a hard time believing that in all of his 34 years, he's never done anything stupider. I think it would be a mistake to underestimate his capacity for stupidity, is what I'm saying.
All the bitching leads up to Shane asking Courtney and Danielle to vote him off. Excellent! Remember when I said he reminded me of Lex? Turns out he's actually the bastard child of Lex and Osten. Lesson to Mark Burnett: there's a difference between people you love to hate and people you just plain hate. Guess which one Shane is? Better casting, please.
Courtney and Danielle are, as you would expect of people who've just been told one of their alliance-mates wants to quit, perturbed, and they try to convince him to stay. Courtney, getting deadly serious, looks at him deeply and says, "Don't fall down on this moment" like it's the fucking Olympics or something, and Shane is the star player everyone is depending on, and not an easily replaceable, high-strung, loose cannon freak. Cirie, speaking for the entire viewing public, says if he wants to quit, let him quit! Aras has other ideas, and gets his yoga mind meld working at exactly the wrong time. Yes, he convinces Shane to stay.
Aras then decides that with his alliance stable and in the majority, he might as well be an asshole. Because what's the point of going on Survivor: Asshole Island, if you're not going to take advantage of the opportunity to live up to the name? He unilaterally decides to tell Cirie and Melinda that one of them is definitely going home. Shane helpfully reveals the four-person alliance. Courtney, in a rare lucid moment, is pissed, because it's stupid to tell everyone else what your alliance is.
The whole thing is just weird. On the one hand, Melinda and Cirie should be the first two voted out. They have no obvious skills as far I can tell - they're not athletic, they don't appear to be particularly intelligent, and they don't seem to have made any efforts to stand out as hard workers. Really, their only value is as alliance-mates who'll do whatever you tell them (only of value, of course, if they're actually in your alliance). So as strategies go, voting them out makes all the sense in the world. Also, while honesty on Survivor is highly overrated, in my opinion, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing in a case like this, because if the person really has no hope of staying, at least they won't be blindsided at tribal council. However, despite all that, Shane and Aras (rhymes with "Our-Ass") manage to carry it out in a way that is totally ooky. Like, it made me feel bad for Cirie and Melinda, despite the fact that both are totally useless (as well as the fact that Melinda is a dead ringer for the field hockey coach at my high school who was a total bitch). How did that happen? Courtney says that if the instability continues, it will be hard to know that Shane will be there for the rest of them. If?
Cirie and Melinda compare notes about which one of them they think will go first. Melinda cries and says it's not fair. Good lord. Have we become so jaded that we've forgotten the immortal words of the patron saint of bitches, Jerri? This game isn't fair! It's about winning! And if you want to get technical about it, how exactly is it not fair? As I outlined in detail about, Cirie and Melinda suck. That's a pretty good, and fair, reason to vote them off, even when done by people who are assholes. God, can we get this over with already?
Tribal Council. Mr. Miyagi enters, returning from his three days on Asshole Island. Dood, I totally forgot out him.
Jiffy: Shane, you're an unmitigated disaster, in all respects. What's that all about?
Shane: It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life. No one in my life that I love has ever died. I've never gotten sick or hurt, never suffered any personal failure, never been dumped. Six days on a tropical island? Worst thing ever. But the answer to your question is yes.
Jiffy: Cirie, how much do you hate these people?
Cirie: I'm human, Jiffy. So, a lot.
Melinda: I don't think there's anything that Cirie or I did or didn't do that you could point to and say, you should have done that better.
I think the key here is "didn't do," and I could think of a whole bunch of things, but we've discussed that already.
Jiffy: Melinda, if they vote you out, will you be okay with it, or will you blow a gasket? You know the best TV comes from people getting pissed off.
Melinda: That quitter Shane can bite me.
Jiffy: Cirie, if it's you tonight...six days? How disappointed will your family be?
Cirie: *whimpering*
Jiffy signs off by saying the tribe seems "a little all over the map," which, roughly translated, means, "this tribe is a giant vortex of suck, and I'm sure I'll be seeing you at many tribal councils to come."
Voting. Melinda votes for Shane with a little head-waggle. No others are shown.
Two votes for Shane. Big mystery who those were from. Everyone else votes for Melinda, including BobbyBobDawg. Interesting that we never saw a second of him doing any strategizing with anyone, despite the fact that the four-person alliance was so out in the open, and he was clearly not part of it. Which means either that he's totally isolated, and voted for Melinda just because he knew that's who they were voting for, or he has a secret alliance with some of them, which was hidden because it's ultimately successful. My guess is the former, but we'll just have to see.
Melinda leaves, Mr. Miyagi gets formally initiated into the tribe, and Jiffy sends them on their merry way.
Melinda's Family Moment: Melinda's Mom, Dad, and yippy dog can't wait to give her a big East Tennessee hug.
Commercials. The Amazing Race starts Tuesday, February 28. Bruck, you certainly have your work cut out for you, after that Family Edition debacle.
Next time on Survivor: Misty tries to live up to her name's reputation. Shane provides another reason to hate him (as if you needed more) when he tries to kill Astronaut Dan. And then he accuses someone else of being crazy.
(As always, thanks to TJ for the awesome vidcaps!) ¶ 8:13 PM 6 Comments
by Diamond
Previously on Survivor: Asshole Island, TJ opened up the new season and came up with an awesome name for the show, which I stole because it's not like I could come up with anything better. He also came up with some great tribe names, which I'm sure we'll be able to use for many, many episodes. Burnett went gimmick-wacky with four tribes of four divided by age, a ridiculous concept called Asshole Island, and another hidden immunity idol. However, his streak of creativity did not apparently extend to his casting decisions, because this group of losers is so unremarkable that I can barely tell them apart from each other or remember any of their names. Skulls were cracked, Shane revealed that severe nicotine withdrawal was going to pave his path to victory, Cirie's untethered boobs threatened to kill us all, a sea turtle committed suicide rather than subject itself to the blatherings of a bunch of soulless twits, and Team Scout made the brilliant choice to boot Tina, the only person on their team who had any discernible skills.
Credits. Commercials. You better buy your girlfriend diamonds from Kay Jewelers. If you don't, it's obvious you don't love her. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is starring in a new late-season replacement sitcom called "The New Adventures of Old Christine." If the fantastic title doesn't hook you, surely the prospect of yet another show doomed by the Seinfeld curse will.
We rejoin our Survivors on Night 3, in the Team Rudy shelter, in the middle of a fierce thunderstorm, where they are huddling together, trying to keep warm and stay dry, while at the same time not touch each other that way. But it's not working. The keeping dry part, I mean. Shane informs us that they had to do some emergency repairs, but they're still getting wet.
Shane: It's unbelievable, man! This place breeds bad luck!I guess, if by "bad luck" he means "too much bitching" and "not enough working." God apparently agrees with me and proceeds to strike Shane with lightning. Unfortunately, we will find out later that Shane was not actually vaporized.
At Team Robbbb's camp, the guys are finding out that their "couple of loose sticks and a palm frond" isn't going to win any shelter-building prizes. I guess Aras's plan to use his Jedi yoga mind meld to repel the water didn't work. Oh well, at least it provides BobbyBobDawg the opportunity to practice his blow job technique.At Team Scout's camp, the ladies attempt to start a fire, and even with the flint, they appear to be having trouble. Well, that didn't take long. Good thing they voted out Tina.
And finally, we segue over to Team Heidi, where Sally and Courtney are demonstrating their pole-manipulating skills.
Courtney: Oooohhhh! It's ripe! We can eat this right now!
Sally: It's gonna be so good!
They head to the beach, where all four girls are now eating and moaning with pleasure. Misty may actually have an orgasm, but later says she's going to cry. Her arm and hand, incidentally, are covered in nasty red sores. I think it's best if we don't ask where those came from.Back at Team Rudy, Shane walks along the beach and engages in some self-flagellation over the fact that he misses his kid and has no idea why he came on the show, because it's not like he needs the money. We're only four days in, and we're already getting the soft, sentimental, I Miss My Family Music that usually doesn't show up till weeks into the show (conveniently around the same time of the family visit, not at all prompted by the producer's questions, I'm sure; but anyway, I'm getting way ahead of things).
Good time to figure this out. You couldn't have given it some thought in the, I don't know, what must have been weeks of casting process, and given your spot to someone who actually wanted it? And spared us from having to listen to your whining? You have seen the show before, haven't you? It's not like it's a mystery that you have to be away from your family for an extended period of time. Jesus. This can only end badly.
In his own words:
Shane: This whole scenario is so different than the way that I live my life, like, my life is very busy and it's always all the time, like, ADD, you know what I mean, psycho boy, and I have a real hard time with the nothin'-to-do part.
He then berates the sand fleas and yells at God to stop with the downpours. God laughs and launches another lightning bolt.
God: Suck on that, asswipe.
On to the reward challenge. The tribes file in, and Jiffy immediately throws a wrench into things by telling the tribes to go stand on a bunch of colored discs, men on one side, women on the other. Turning over the discs reveals new buffs for Terry and Danielle. Yes, they are going to pick two new tribes, kickball-style, alternating male-female, with each new person picking the next one.
Wow, this is FANTASTIC. This worked out so well the last time they did it this way. And one episode? That's all we get with the four tribes? I guess that's why Jiffy never bothered to refer to any of the four tribes by their actual names, since we'd never actually need to know them. It's not like I particularly cared for the arrangement, but it annoys me that it was presented as such a big deal, and then it wasn't. Obviously, it was only sustainable for a few episodes, max, but giving up on it after one just seems really lame.
Look, it's a given that the show needs to change a little every season, both in order to mess with the contestants strategies and make for good, fresh teevee, while at the same time, keeping the basic structure of the game intact, because that's what makes the show so popular. But the problem here is that Burnett is clearly out of ideas. He either comes up with new things like four small tribes, but then doesn't commit to them, or he comes up with things like Asshole Island, which are stupid, or he recycles shitty ideas from previous seasons. The first time we had a tribal switch, it was a huge deal, but after twelve seasons, the switching around has already been done every which way, and it's all starting to blur together, and it's just not interesting anymore.
Here's what I think would be great - and I had this idea way back around season 4 or 5, which was when it started getting stale - put everyone at the same camp. There have been hints at this before - at the beginning of Palau, and at the merge in Thailand. But those were only temporary situations - I would have everyone at the same camp and keep them there for the whole show. If you still wanted to maintain the tribal divide, you just have the two tribes at the same camp. What it does is provide lots of opportunity for conflict, particularly over whether the tribes should share resources, as well as for development of friendships and/or alliances between tribes early on. The show is most interesting when the alliances are fluid, so the more opportunity you give to the tribes to mix, the better, I say. Along those lines, I'd go even further - don't have stable tribes at all. Sure, that would be a pretty serious change to the game structure, but not so much that it would ruin it, and I think the show needs a big change. The way I envision it, all the contestants live at the same camp. You still have reward and immunity challenges, but you choose teams randomly at the beginning of each challenge. That way, you have a different mix of people voting at every tribal council. Alliances are harder to maintain because you never know if you're all going to be on the same team, and there could be a lot more power-shifting.
I don't know. Maybe it's a ridiculous idea, but there it is. I'll just sit here and wait for Mark Burnett to call me with an offer to help produce the next edition. Where was I, anyway? Oh yeah, we were picking new tribes.
So we have Terry as the first member of La Mina, and Danielle as the first member of Casaya. Danielle picks first, choosing "the cool guy" with the Boston tattoo. If you're like me, you're a little confused at this point, because she's talking about Shane, who is the last person you'd ever call "cool." So Danielle's judgment is immediately suspect. I also had a brief moment of panic because I thought the tattoo was for the city of Boston, and I was going to have to emphatically disclaim any affiliation with him. But then I remembered that he has Boston tattooed on his chest (along with a scattering of other bits of writing), Memento-style, because his ADD-addled brain probably can't remember his own son's name.
Terry picks Sally, which seems like a safe choice, for the moment. Shane picks Courtney. Sally picks Austin, calling him "the fast guy," which I don't recall seeing any evidence of, but I'll take her word for it. Courtney picks Aras, I guess because the froot-loops tend to stick together. Austin picks Misty. With all the younger women gone, Aras now has to choose one of the three older women. And he picks...Cirie? An odd choice, I have to say, given that Ruth-Marie is still there. She may be a lot older than Cirie or Melinda, but she's obviously way more athletic. Maybe she gives off bad yoga vibes or something. I don't know. Misty chooses Nick. Cirie chooses BobbyBobDawg. Nick quickly snaps up Ruth-Marie, Bobby takes Melinda, the last woman left, and in the final pick, Ruth-Marie chooses Astronaut Dan as this season's Mr. Irrelevant.
So in summary, La Mina consists of Terry, Sally, Austin, Misty, Nick, Ruth-Marie, and Dan, while Casaya consists of Danielle, Shane, Courtney, Aras, Cirie, Bobby, and Melinda. Anyone else besides me see a second coming of Ulong in our future?
Left without a tribe is Bruce, or as he is also known, Mr. Miyagi. Personally, I have a hard time calling him that, because I've never seen The Karate Kid, so it doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I like to think of him as "Painless," because his last name (Kanegai) sounds just like the name of the medical examiner in Presumed Innocent, "Painless" Kumagai. Of course, the original Painless was either incompetent or corrupt (I forget which; it's been a while), which does not bode well for Bruce. But anyway, the consequences of not getting picked are that Bruce gets sent to Asshole Island for three days and gets immunity at the next tribal council. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me, on both counts. When he comes back, he gets to sit in on tribal council for whichever tribe loses, and then replaces the person who gets voted out.
Painless wastes no time getting away, and it's on to the reward challenge, for a raft and fishing gear. It's yet another mega-obstacle course, with the twist that the Survivors have to retrieve and carry six wooden snakes along the way. Kind of random, but okay. Mostly I think Jiffy just likes saying "wooden snake" a lot. The last two snakes are buried in a deadly pit of leaves. I think we can all guess right now which team will lose.
The tribes are pretty even for most of the race. Highlights include Austin getting whacked in the back with one of the wooden snakes; Shane falling off the balance portion and having to start over, because he sucks; Cirie landing crotch-first on Bobby's head (his actual head, the one on top of his shoulders; because otherwise, gross); and Jiffy helpfully yelling, "This is going to be a challenge for the snake wranglers! It's a lot to handle!" Oh sure, Iike we haven't heard that one before. Ain't always true, is all I'm saying. What? I'm still talking about the challenge.
In the end, as expected, Casaya is done in by the leaves, Jiffy's got nothin' for them, and La Mina wins the fishing gear.
Commercials. Guess what I won't be watching? Dr. Phil's Valentine's Day primetime special with Paula Abdul.
The new Casaya tribe heads back to their camp, formerly Team Scout's camp, where Shane immediately decides to rip the guys from his old tribe for that greatest of sins, wanting to work. Logic not being his strong suit, he has yet to make the connection between the "working" and the "shelter. Crazy, I know. Although I suppose when you have the ability to have God do your bidding when you don't want rain, shelter is not an issue. Shane reveals that he's "34 going on 12." I'm totally with him on the "going on 12 part" (though of course that's probably an insult to 12 year-olds, many of whom are more mature than this nitwit), but yikes, 34? Really? I'd say he looks at least ten years older, and not in a good way. That three pack-a-day habit has not been kind.
The tribe then inspects their new shelter, which Cirie says has kept them dry. Too bad none of the new tribe members ask who actually built the damn thing, because it would have been hilarious for Cirie and Melinda to have to admit it was the chick they voted out.
Cirie doesn't care for Courtney so much. She doesn't seem impressed by Courtney's fire dance, which mostly consists of her clapping and chanting "fuego, fuego, feugo" like an idiot, or with Courtney's declaration that she's "gangsta Hollywood" because she lives near Playboy Liquors or something. BobbyBobDawg does not seem impressed either, and looks like he'd like bust on her cracker-ass posing, but then thinks better of it after remembering that he's been seen wearing Amherst crew shirt.
Courtney likes having more people around. Shane just likes having girls around. And you know, I don't usually mind the use of "girls" when talking about women, as long as the context is informal (hell, I do it myself), but somehow, coming out of Shane's mouth, it's really, really skeevy, like, I imagine him in real life going after actual girls, the underage kind. He's just so icky. Melinda says she and Cirie don't fit in with the rest of the tribe, and if they lose the next immunity challenge, they're screwed.
Every summary needs a gratuitous picture, and I feel like I should be posting a picture of a shirtless guy, but, well, the guys in this cast really bore me. So instead you get this really cool lizard/iguana-type animal.
Yo, yo. Shane rounds up Danielle, Courtney, and Aras to be his iron-clad final-four alliance. He demands that they not make it dramatic and cheat on each other (because god forbid anyone should ever put their own self-interest ahead of their alliance's), and swears on his son's life. And then he threatens to find and kill anyone who betrays him. Wow, he's like Lex, but without the charm.
Over at La Mina, Terry approaches Austin and Nick about the possibility of forming a four-person alliance with him and Astronaut Dan. Nick agrees, but seems less than enthused. Sally then asks Austin to talk to Nick about forming a four-person alliance with her and Misty, to which he also seems to agree.
Lest we forget about him, we must take a trip out to Asshole Island to visit with Painless. We see him receive a second clue to the whereabouts of the hidden immunity idol, along with the first clue that Misty got, about "why" fate chose her to be the first one out there. Normally, I'd take issue with the inappropriate use of quotation marks to indicate emphasis, but in this case, I suspect that's actually the clue, probably having something to do with the letter "Y." Given that the majority of the contestants are stone-cold idiots, my guess is that in order to guarantee that someone actually finds the idol before the season's over, the producers painted a big red "Y" somewhere on the island and put the idol on top of it. Anything less obvious would probably be too much for them to handle (with the possible exception of Astronaut Dan, who is smarter than all the rest of them combined). Anyway, the new clue is that the idol is not present in a certain marked-off portion of the island, and that it's above the tide line. Which Bruce interprets as being right against the cliffs. I'm not sure how that necessarily follows from the clue - above includes a lot more territory than at, but whatever. Trying to divine the motives of Survivor contestants is always a dubious prospect. Painless says being on the island is no big deal, just a mere inconvenience. He tries to make a fire and breaks the flint. Well-done. Then he practices some sort of martial art because it helps him prepare for battle, or something. You're going to make me call him Mr. Miyagi whether I want to or not, aren't you? FINE. By the way, for a 58 year-old guy, dude is ripped.
Night falls, bringing more rain, and now the island is not so much inconvenient, as evil. Rain is evil!
And that is it for Asshole Island, because watching one person with no one but the crew to talk to and nothing to do is boring. As far as the gimmicks go, this one may (key word: "may") be interesting with respect to the effect it has on the game, but from a viewer's standpoint? It's a total dud - it's going to be mostly the same for every person who gets sent there. They'll sit around, they'll look for the immunity idol, and that's about it.
Commercials. JC Penny also wants you to know that diamonds are the only way to say "true love." Although rubies might work too. As a general rule, if your phone doesn't reach all the way to the stove, and you don't have a cordless, it's probably best not to make phone calls while cooking, whether to credit card companies with endless automated phone trees, or to anyone else, really. Is everyone at Mohegan Sun like this Jessica Sparsky person? Because if they are? It's not really a draw. I'm just saying.
Back at La Mina camp, the tribe is preparing to use its new fishing equipment. Terry takes some practice shots with the spear and demonstrates how to use it. Most notable about this scene are the dark blue knee socks Sally is inexplicably wearing. Seriously, why? Why would she wear those? I am choosing to believe that she has a circulatory disorder, or is possibly a burn victim, and that the socks are some sort of medically necessary pressure garment-type socks, because I cannot believe any sane person would wear those voluntarily (with a bikini, anyway; they might be acceptable with a long skirt, but that's as far as I'm willing to go). It upsets my worldview too much to think otherwise.
Sally and Nick get the honor of taking the raft out to fish first. We see a bunch of flying fish jumping out of the water, so we know there are certainly plenty of fish out there. Sally tempts fate by saying she should probably practice some more, because she doesn't want to lose it. That's not a bad idea, but might have been better had she thought of it while back on land, or in shallower water. And what do you know, it shoots off her arm and floats sadly down to the bottom, out of reach.Learning of this development, Terry is none too happy, his dreams of being the new Tom now going down the drain. Poor Terry. First he's upstaged by an astronaut (surely he must have thought he'd have the coolest job this season), and now this.
Well, no matter. It's time for the immunity challenge. Jiffy asks the tribes how they're doing.
Misty: We're all flowers and sunshine and rainbows over here. *twinkle*
Shane: I don't know how they can be all positive. I'm not going to lie. I am a freakin' psycho.
Jiffy: Okay...uh, let's get to today's challenge. The goal is to work as a team to transport a giant zombie head from the ocean to the beach.
The emphasis is all Jiffy's. I think he's trying to make everyone cower at the scariness of the giant zombie head, but it just comes out sounding ridiculous because he takes it so damn seriously. Also, can I just ask here what the connection is between Panama and zombies? Does Panama have an actual history of zombies, or is Burnett just making shit up now? I know the themes are always pretty hokey, but at least they always seemed to have some connection, however tenuous, to the history and/or culture of the location. But seriously, zombies?
Anyway, the challenge: each tribe has a boat with a bunch of holes. Five members sit in the boat and bail it out, while the others go in the water and drag the large crate anchoring the boat towards shore. Drag the boat onto shore, hook it to a hitching post, pull the anchor onto shore, then put the giant zombie head onto the giant zombie body, and win the immunity kebab.
Highlights: Casaya is "absolutely inept," according to Jiffy's play-by-play, even going backwards at one point, Shane is useless (unsurprisingly), and, despite Jiffy's attempts to make it appear close, La Mina kicks Casaya's ass and wins immunity.
Commercials. Even the dulcet tones of Kiefer Sutherland cannot convince me that a partnership between Verizon and MCI is a good idea. No. Just No. This commercial with the doctor killing the fly and then the mother and daughter think they killed the husband? Like, what is that an ad for? Does anyone know?
Back at Casaya camp after the immunity challenge loss, it's the fucking Shane show again. He hates to lose. He's beat. He's wiped out. He wants a cigarette, a coffee, and a big sandwich. He wants to call his kid. I want to poke my own eyes out.
Shane: This is the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. I am NOT well.
I won't argue with the "not well" part, and while I agree that coming on this show was clearly a colossally stupid move, somehow I have a hard time believing that in all of his 34 years, he's never done anything stupider. I think it would be a mistake to underestimate his capacity for stupidity, is what I'm saying.
All the bitching leads up to Shane asking Courtney and Danielle to vote him off. Excellent! Remember when I said he reminded me of Lex? Turns out he's actually the bastard child of Lex and Osten. Lesson to Mark Burnett: there's a difference between people you love to hate and people you just plain hate. Guess which one Shane is? Better casting, please.
Courtney and Danielle are, as you would expect of people who've just been told one of their alliance-mates wants to quit, perturbed, and they try to convince him to stay. Courtney, getting deadly serious, looks at him deeply and says, "Don't fall down on this moment" like it's the fucking Olympics or something, and Shane is the star player everyone is depending on, and not an easily replaceable, high-strung, loose cannon freak. Cirie, speaking for the entire viewing public, says if he wants to quit, let him quit! Aras has other ideas, and gets his yoga mind meld working at exactly the wrong time. Yes, he convinces Shane to stay.
Aras then decides that with his alliance stable and in the majority, he might as well be an asshole. Because what's the point of going on Survivor: Asshole Island, if you're not going to take advantage of the opportunity to live up to the name? He unilaterally decides to tell Cirie and Melinda that one of them is definitely going home. Shane helpfully reveals the four-person alliance. Courtney, in a rare lucid moment, is pissed, because it's stupid to tell everyone else what your alliance is.
The whole thing is just weird. On the one hand, Melinda and Cirie should be the first two voted out. They have no obvious skills as far I can tell - they're not athletic, they don't appear to be particularly intelligent, and they don't seem to have made any efforts to stand out as hard workers. Really, their only value is as alliance-mates who'll do whatever you tell them (only of value, of course, if they're actually in your alliance). So as strategies go, voting them out makes all the sense in the world. Also, while honesty on Survivor is highly overrated, in my opinion, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing in a case like this, because if the person really has no hope of staying, at least they won't be blindsided at tribal council. However, despite all that, Shane and Aras (rhymes with "Our-Ass") manage to carry it out in a way that is totally ooky. Like, it made me feel bad for Cirie and Melinda, despite the fact that both are totally useless (as well as the fact that Melinda is a dead ringer for the field hockey coach at my high school who was a total bitch). How did that happen? Courtney says that if the instability continues, it will be hard to know that Shane will be there for the rest of them. If?
Cirie and Melinda compare notes about which one of them they think will go first. Melinda cries and says it's not fair. Good lord. Have we become so jaded that we've forgotten the immortal words of the patron saint of bitches, Jerri? This game isn't fair! It's about winning! And if you want to get technical about it, how exactly is it not fair? As I outlined in detail about, Cirie and Melinda suck. That's a pretty good, and fair, reason to vote them off, even when done by people who are assholes. God, can we get this over with already?
Tribal Council. Mr. Miyagi enters, returning from his three days on Asshole Island. Dood, I totally forgot out him.
Jiffy: Shane, you're an unmitigated disaster, in all respects. What's that all about?
Shane: It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life. No one in my life that I love has ever died. I've never gotten sick or hurt, never suffered any personal failure, never been dumped. Six days on a tropical island? Worst thing ever. But the answer to your question is yes.
Jiffy: Cirie, how much do you hate these people?
Cirie: I'm human, Jiffy. So, a lot.
Melinda: I don't think there's anything that Cirie or I did or didn't do that you could point to and say, you should have done that better.I think the key here is "didn't do," and I could think of a whole bunch of things, but we've discussed that already.
Jiffy: Melinda, if they vote you out, will you be okay with it, or will you blow a gasket? You know the best TV comes from people getting pissed off.
Melinda: That quitter Shane can bite me.
Jiffy: Cirie, if it's you tonight...six days? How disappointed will your family be?
Cirie: *whimpering*
Jiffy signs off by saying the tribe seems "a little all over the map," which, roughly translated, means, "this tribe is a giant vortex of suck, and I'm sure I'll be seeing you at many tribal councils to come."
Voting. Melinda votes for Shane with a little head-waggle. No others are shown.
Two votes for Shane. Big mystery who those were from. Everyone else votes for Melinda, including BobbyBobDawg. Interesting that we never saw a second of him doing any strategizing with anyone, despite the fact that the four-person alliance was so out in the open, and he was clearly not part of it. Which means either that he's totally isolated, and voted for Melinda just because he knew that's who they were voting for, or he has a secret alliance with some of them, which was hidden because it's ultimately successful. My guess is the former, but we'll just have to see.
Melinda leaves, Mr. Miyagi gets formally initiated into the tribe, and Jiffy sends them on their merry way.
Melinda's Family Moment: Melinda's Mom, Dad, and yippy dog can't wait to give her a big East Tennessee hug.
Commercials. The Amazing Race starts Tuesday, February 28. Bruck, you certainly have your work cut out for you, after that Family Edition debacle.
Next time on Survivor: Misty tries to live up to her name's reputation. Shane provides another reason to hate him (as if you needed more) when he tries to kill Astronaut Dan. And then he accuses someone else of being crazy.
(As always, thanks to TJ for the awesome vidcaps!) ¶ 8:13 PM 6 Comments
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Survivor Panama: Asshole Island
Episode One: We Love You, We Need You, Now Die
By TeamJoisey
Survivor Panama: Asshole Island opens with an overhead shot of swirling vultures. There are dozens of these vicious carnivores anticipating the opportunity to swoop down and rip the juicy flesh off rotting carcasses strewn far beneath them.
After all these years of being bludgeoned with Snake/Rat/Spider/Shark contestant imagery, it was nice to see the producers finally pay a little homage to the humble summary writers. Thanks guys. The gesture means a lot to us here at Survive This.
Okay.
Thursday night at 8 p.m. Survivor 6,012.
The ritual begins anew. I hear Jeff Probst.
And where are we this time?
Damn. Panama. Again.
No one will mention the show is back in the Pearl Islands for a third time. That would be admitting this tired wreck of a production has run out of locations, or that they’ve settled on one favorite spot conveniently located near the world's major opium producers. But we all know where they are. We can still see Rupert's submerged beach cabana, and Nasal Nazi Christa Hastie’s transparent underwear is hanging from the trees. Hell, Andrew Savage may be lurking nearby.
Yeah, they've been to Panama before, most recently for the lamentable ASS edition won by Amber, she of the not so lamentable ass. But mark my words, this time – THIS TIME – will be special, because this time - THIS TIME - they've found a godforsaken little rock that becomes nearly submerged at high tide. And they've marked it with a Hideous Halloween Parade Float sitting out on a cliff.
This is Asshole Island.
I know, because Jeff Probst is standing there.
Jeff begins to explain this season'sgimmick big twist. Each week, some yahoo will be banished to this here Asshole Island to fend for themselves. 
At the same time their tribemates will convene back at camp to conspire over the exile’s assassination. And the loser will look for a secret hidden something that almost guarantees victory. (Immediately I suspect Stephenie is off camera, ready to sit in the final two.)
Evil Pecker Mark Burnett and his producer guys are always full of ideas. Bad ideas, but ideas nonetheless. Bring eliminated players back from the dead, bring previous contestants back so they wish they were dead, bring back the same tired challenges we've seen for 11 seasons, bring back Jeff Probst and that damn blue shirt. Somebody put a bullet in this franchise, and please make sure it stays dead.
We see four boats streaming toward this here Asshole Island, each with four passengers. They disembark and begin to join Jeff, who climbs atop the Hideous Halloween Parade Float for the fabulously exciting zoom-out shot that kicks off the opening credits.
Oh dear God. I’m bored already.
While Evil Pecker Mark Burnett provides a small glimpse at each of our 16 vagabonds, I'm here to give you a better understanding of why each should be hurled into a bonfire at the earliest possible convenience. And I should warn you, a lot of these elements are going to seem awfully familiar...
Perhaps the world's whitest man, New Englander Dan Barry has accomplished everything life has to offer except total humiliation. For that, he roots for the Red Sox. Dan earned a master’s degree and a doctorate at Princeton. He builds robots for his own company. He’s got five patents, and 50 published scientific papers. He’s been an assistant professor. He’s a 52-year-old former astronaut who flew on the only three missions in which the space shuttle failed to disintegrate. He’s been on four space walks. Asshole Island probably won’t scare him as much as say, Courtney’s hair. He’s brilliant, he’s athletic, he’s charming and disarming. There’s nothing to dislike about this guy. I hate that about him.
On the other hand, this guy just might be the biggest asshole in the history of the show. Shane Powers smokes three packs of cigarettes and drinks 15 cups of espresso each day. Here in Panama, he'll be in sweaty detox by day two, and a raving lunatic in Loser Lodge for the final 30 days. For some reason this 35-year-old jerk can't stop touching himself. He describes himself as witty, outgoing and funny. Yeah, he's both witty and funny. He was born in Omaha, but they ran him out of the state when he graduated high school. Now he lives in Los Angeles, where he owns a entertainment marketing company. What is that, you ask? It means he spends most of his day screwing around, and half an hour leeching off famous people with actual skills. But the real evidence this guy is an asshole? He named his son Boston. Yeah baby, Boston Powers. Did I mention he thinks he's both witty and funny? Did I mention he's an asshole? Does that mean he'll win? Is it OK if I hope they actually kill him instead?
Kesuke Miyagi is a handyman and karate instructor in Southern California best known for the day NooJoisey native Daniel Russo defeated a screaming thug from Cobra Kai with that ludicrous "crane" move - thus necessitating two other hideous movies. Before he gained the ability to cure debilitating injuries with his bare hands, Mr. Miyagi ran a Milwaukee hamburger restaurant. He is currently in the Old Actors Protection Program as Bruce Kanegai, a high school art teacher who also trains Los Angeles police officers in those effective "arrest and control techniques." Miyagi-san backpacked across Oregon and survived a rattlesnake bite. At 58, he's the oldest competitor on the show, and damn, he just won't shut up. Wax off, dude!
Our next contestant is a Joisey boy. But don’t think of him as a Joisey scumbag, unless you are one of those terrist-sympathizing Democraps who won’t support the troops. Terry Deitz is a former F-14 fighter pilot right out of Top Gun, a four-year varsity baseball player at the Naval Academy, a weapons specialist and later a pilot for American Airlines. At 46, he is retired from the military and living in Connecticut with a wife and two kids. Rudy Boesch: twenty years younger. Terry’s got that graying at the temples that somehow signifies wisdom, a big gap-toothed smile that somehow signifies trustworthiness, and he’ll probably kick ass in any physical challenge. I dream of the day ol' Terry goes Rambo on that nauseating creep Shane. Handsome heroic Terry Deitz is one good alliance away from the final four. He just needs to find his Ian - and there’s never a shortage of easily manipulated idiots on this show.
Social worker Sally Schumann can't take a hint. She applied for Survivor five times before she got on the show. Maybe that's because the first four times she was a dull married blonde soccer coach from Buffalo, Minnesota, ya betcha. Now she's a 27-year-old hot blonde divorcee and social worker in viewer-laden Chicago. Another college athlete, she has recently taken up marathon running. I understand she's also taken up oral sex with casting agents and/or vain aging television game show hosts. Sally's greatest passion is photography, with or without clothing. She's a Survivor fanatic, and says she knows all the strategies that work. Start laughing at her now. And she's got big ol' movie-screen teeth. Is Crest sponsoring this show?
Danielle DiLorenzo is a former gymnast who suffered a career-ending injury as Division I soccer player. She’s also worked as a model. She grew up in Massachusetts, where she became addicted to the Boston Red Sox. Right now she’s working in “medical sales” in South Florida, a job that may or may not involve swallowing condoms full of cocaine in a Bogota airport. JiffyProbst says she was “cocky” in casting. Or maybe that was his pants. Danielle, 24, says she is very strong minded and driven. She also claims she’s got a lot of personality. She must be working hard to contain herself. All I see so far is a ditz with “medical sales” teeth and some big ol’ “medical sales” boobs. But hey, that almost worked for Heidi.
Sideshow Barbie Courtney Marit is a certifiable weirdo. Formerly an elite gymnast, she now combs her hair once a decade, and makes a living as a performance artist in Los Angeles. She's billed on the show as a Fire Dancer. Uh-huh. She's worked alongside the pretentious French whores of Cirque du Soleil, and promises to provide "a good time." I think that means she'll strip and put her ankles behind her neck for about $40. In her 31 years she's walked the deserts of Chile, hitchhiked across Mexico, surfed in Costa Rica, lived in caves in India, run a marathon in Honolulu, yachted across the Atlantic... but she's doing this stupid television show for "the adventure." Like everyone else in Los Angeles, she is currently single and working on her first screenplay. In about six days she's going to be the world's largest freckle.
Lithe, curvaceous 24-year-old Misty Giles may look like a former Miss Texas Teen. She may look like a former Venus Swimwear model. She may look bubbly and perky and sexy, and perhaps like me you want to cave in her perfect goddamn teeth. But wait! She’s got a degree in engineering and works as a rocket scientist. She’s intelligent and articulate. She mentors young girls and gives motivational seminars. She’s from a military family, so she’s learned to make new friends quickly. She’s into kickboxing. And we have this in common: Her favorite magazine is the Victoria’s Secret Catalogue. But is she looking at the clothes, or the models?
Religious nut Austin Carty is a 24-year-old "author" from High Point, North Carolina who played soccer at fundamentalist, zealot-ridden Liberty University. He also expects to play a morally pure game. His weepy self-published first novel, Somewhere Beyond Here, is currently Number 447,265 on the Amazon.com Best Seller list (no lie). He stole the title (no lie) from Fievel the cartoon mouse. Austin is nearly that tall. This actor-wannabe makes ends meet by modeling for Hanes underwear and John Deere tractors. He also (surprise!) tends bar. He likes walks on the beach, he likes hikes in the woods, he likes deep romantic threesomes with slutty college barflies. His blonde little sister is a beauty pageant whorelet, which makes this guy a barely grown Burke Ramsay with an ignorant redneck streak.
The Bob Dawg, a.k.a. Bobby Mason, 32, grew up on the rough streets of South Central Los Angeles, so expect him to bond immediately with all the other Crips out here. When the Bob Dawg was younger, three of his close friends died after being unexpectedly perforated by small caliber arms. Luckily the Bob Dawg’s steroid-enhanced physique is virtually impenetrable. He’s buff, he’s bold, he’s beautiful and he's here to kick ass. He listens to rap music, his favorite actors are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. He refers to himself as a third party called The Bob Dawg - a clear sign the guy is a sociopath. And somehow, like some bad UPN-TV drama, The Bob Dawg got a Stanford law degree which he uses to fight da man on behalf of the righteous dudes stuck on the gritty streets. He is so annoying the other players are sure to euthanize The Bob Dawg long before the jury convenes.
Nick Stanbury is a pathetic wastrel who wants to be on Survivor so he can learn about himself, and so he can meet beautiful women. Particularly those who haven’t seen soap or a toothbrush for 39 days. He grew up in Wyoming, failed at Montana State University, moved to Arizona State and eventually got a degree in supply chain management. This clueless bastard currently works in radio sales, using that “supply chain” degree when yelling “Hey Julio, do we have any more of those Sanyos in the back room?” He is 25, and yet his favorite cereal is Fruity Pebbles, his favorite actresses are Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. His favorite sport is masturbation and his computer is full of naked pictures of underage girls. OK, I’m guessing on that. But dood, you say you are here to meet women. Ashley Olsen? Is Lindsay Lohan too mature?
Aras Baskauskas is a 24-year-old yoga instructor from Santa Monica who played NCAA Division I college basketball while earning his MBA at UC Irvine. He then went on to play professional basketball in Lithuania, and opened a donation-based yoga studio in South Africa. Like, um... nice use of an education, dood. His hobbies include meditation and surfing. He eats granola, bananas and oatmeal raisin cookies, drinks orange juice without alcohol. This loser hit almost every SoCal stereotype except bartender/actor/underwear model. So he went on Survivor instead, determined to play an honorable game according to his yoga principles. He doesn't deserve to be here, so the annoying shit will probably knife them all in the back and win.
You would think being crowned the 1978 South Carolina Watermelon Queen would be enough attention to last a lifetime. You wouldn’t be Ruth Marie Milliman, who also earned a degree in criminal justice, served as a narcotics agent, worked as a flight attendant, and served as a page in the South Carolina House of Reprobates Representatives. She is also an accomplished distance runner. And what has this 48-year-old multi-talented former college cheerleader and Elvis fanatic made of herself? She leases commercial real estate and attends PTA meetings while raising two teenagers and a mouthful of huge white teeth. She annoys me. And listen, you Tina-wannabe, can you pick one damn name? What is with Southerners and this BobbyJonBoyBillyJackBettySueBobbiJo crapola? Doesn't anybody name their daughter Kim anymore?
Joiseyan Cirie Fields was born and raised in Jersey City, and currently works as an operating room nurse in South Carolina. Before that she worked in a candy factory and as a telemarketer - valuable medical experience indeed. Cirie hopes her huge, um... personality, her big smile and that fun attitude will help her win the million bucks. Uh huh. They always give the money to Miss Congeniality. This 35-year-old effervescent loon can't be too smart, because she worked hard to lose 30 pounds before she went on Survivor. Lucky for her she can still stand to lose a teensy bit more. At least Cirie can swim. Or so she says. She's certainly got the pontoons.
Tennessee gives us 32-year-old dinner theater performer Melinda Hyder, quite possibly the least prepared Survivor contestant ever. Her hobbies include home decorating, watching soap operas and collecting Marilyn Monroe memorabilia. She does not play competitive sports of any kind. She reads Us Weekly. She's got big acrylic fingernails. She’s an over the hill perky little pageant girl who has yet to grow up. In other words, she’s a time bomb of “I didn’t know it would be this hard” poised to start throwing up in the weeds. Smiling on day one, sobbing by day five. And sweet Baby Jesus, what is with all these damn teeth? Kill her. Kill her now.
If you need a woman who can swing an axe (and who doesn't?) then you need "Timber" Tina Scheer, who leads a competitive team of female lumberjacks... 'cuze me, lumberjills. She grew up in the woods of northern Wisconsin where she learned log rolling at age seven. She is now 45 and admits she is still most comfortable outdoors "riding a log." She likes the Green Bay Packers and Guinness beer... she's sorta like Sue Hawk with skills. And breasts. Tina was originally selected to compete in Guatemala, but her only child, 16-year-old Charlie, was killed in a car accident a week before filming began. She was given a spot here instead. She says she's playing for Charlie. Expect some weepy moments, but no family visit.
When we return from the ooh-aah, oowee-oowee opening credits, Jeff invites the 16 grinning imbeciles onto four mats and explains that they’ve been divided into four tribes by gender and age. Bulbous Cirie is upset to find out she’s considered “older.” Austin is unhappy he can’t openly flirt with the Tribe of Heidis. Courtney gives him a wink anyway. Bobby Bob Dawg delineates the four tribes as the Young Beefcake Tribe, of which he proclaims himself charter member and president; the Love Boat Crowd of old guys; the Golden Girls group of old ladies; and the Spice Girls.
Jeff continues to blather, explaining Asshole Island, and then springs the first reward challenge. Cut to confessional, where Danielle brags about how good she will be in challenges. Yeah, OK. We see this coming.
The challenge is simple, and involves ritual desecration of a mass grave. One tribe member sprints to the other end of Asshole Island where there is a cluster of skulls. Smashing them one at a time, they must retrieve an amulet hidden in one of the skulls. The first three back win their tribe a flint to start fire. The losing tribe will choose one person to strand on Asshole Island.
The tribemates introduce themselves to each other, and select their representative. Team Robb picks Austin, Team Rudy picks Terry, Team Scout picks Ruth-Marie and Team Heidi picks Danielle. Of course.
The first challenge begins, and Danielle sprints ahead of the others. Austin falls on his face. They all get skull at the same time and start getting smashed. Terry finishes first. Austin finishes second. Tensions mount. Tina is already badmouthing Ruth-Marie’s performance, which she cannot even see. “She’s not a smasher,” says Timber Tina, who has known Ruth-Marie for all of 26 seconds. Lots of waiting.
Finally, Ruth-Marie runs up with the final amulet. Danielle arrives to teary-eyed but supportive teammates, who begin looking for a place to stick the knife.
Jeff distributes the flints, and then asks the young women to choose an exile. Danielle volunteers, but the other women decide that’s not really fair. It's intelligent and good gamesmanship and logical, but not really fair if it hurts someone's feelings. They play rock-paper-scissors until Misty loses. I would have enjoyed it more with actual rocks and scissors.
Finally Jeff explains the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol, which can be used at any time through the Final Four. No, not the NCAA Tournament.
If one of them finds the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol, they can use it to save themselves at Tribal Council, even after the votes have been tallied. If they do, the person with the second highest number of votes goes home. Jeff promises to give them clues to the idols location as the game goes on, and gives each group a map and sends them on their way. He tells Misty she has a machete and undrinkable water. She “also has a lot of time to think about why fate chose you to be the first one out here which is also why immunity is already so important.” Then he tells her he’s given her the first clue, and he leaves.
Commercials
OnStar Vehicle Diagnostics means your car can spam your email with ads that promise a bigger dipstick... A Disney movie about heroic sled dogs who save the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge from America’s addiction to oil… Office dweebs writhe in pleasure over their Nextel phones… Chase bank now offers 900 ways to crush your credit rating… A neighborhood of poorly assembled cars, and somehow that ad is not for Ford… Two broke losers can have group sex with cheerleaders if they order off the “Cheap Bastard” menu at Friday’s… Disney continues to rape itself, this time offering Bambi II: Buck’s Revenge. Only a few years until Bambi III: Thumper’s Thumpin’ Bunny Love Thump… Terminal geekiness threatens the cast of Numb3rs, none of whom know how to properly shave… The Grammys are on next week, with a tribute to Sly and the Family Stallone.
The show resumes, and we are shown each group being ferried to their island. What, no canoes? Misty stands forlornly on Asshole Point, and begins her search for the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol in the water. She then begins to consider Jeff's "clue," mistakenly believing he said "fate left you behind." She interprets this as a clue that means the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol was behind her at that point. For a rocket scientist, this is not a smart girl. She begins poking through the ground behind where she had been standing.
Team Scout has arrived at their beach. Cirie is distressed by the machete, fearing they might have to clear an area, thus exposing bugs and stuff. This is not a good sign for my Joisey Girl. Luckily for Cirie, Team Scout goes straight to work building a fire. And Timber Tina, the lifelong outdoorswoman, quickly starts a huge fire while singing Disco Inferno. Once the fire has been built up, TimberTina begins singing Kumbaya. Does she know what happened to Wanda? Next they build a fairly credible shelter, with TimberTina leading the way. After this TimberTina finds their water source. That TimberTina, she sure seems essential.
While they are working, Cirie is picking up leaves for bedding. Yes, leaves... the sort of which fall from New Jersey trees with some regularity, particularly in autumn. For some irrational reason, Cirie mutters that she hates leaves.
Yes, she hates leaves. To me this was no surprise, because girlfriend here hasn't been anywhere near a salad in 20 years. But Tina questions her on this. Cirie is actually afraid of things that might be under the leaves. Because, ya know, there were never any bugs in the slums of Jersey City. Well, there were bugs. There just weren't any leaves.
Tina provides the question every viewer is asking themselves: “Did anyone tell her what show she was going on? I’m thinking those leaves are the least of your problem, honey.”
Over at Viveros, most of Team Robb is playing baseball on the beach with coconuts. Never mind that fire, or water or shelter crap - watch me smack this coconut into the woods.
Basketball-lovin' yoga instructor Aras is disturbed by this lack of serious effort to improve the karma. He summons utterly useless Nick and the author/hobbit Austin together and performs a few Jedi mind tricks. Somehow this Dali Lloser convinces the other two asswipes to place their hands in some mystical layer cake, as if waiting for a Zen baseball bat to appear. They actually stand like this for several minutes, concentrating on the idea of fire, as if it will spring from their hands.
Mystical Aras is urging them on, pleading with them to "feel the energy." Oddly enough, he’s also staring at Austin and licking his lips. Maybe they ought to be concentrating on water, maybe Aras needs a cold shower. And maybe Austin ought to sleep in all his clothes.
Bob Dawg is standing off to the side looking at them like the crazy white boys they are. Nick later confesses that Aras has a lot of hair-brained ideas. Strangely, this one seems to have worked, because Nick and Austin feel so absolutely stupid they agree to start building a fire. Badly. The Jedi mind trick hand pyramid of flames was brilliant compared to what we see next.
If I knew how, I'd stick a poll right here.
Which is stupider?
1. Trying to build fire inside a cramped cooking pot, which you will need for water.
2. Trying to start a fire by tightly holding a small flint in one hand while repeatedly and wildly swinging a razor-sharp two-foot machete at the flint.
3. Kneeling next to the first moron, so that your face is millimeters away from the potential flames, the continuously sparking flint... and the wildly swinging, uncontrollable razor-sharp two-foot machete.
4. Continuing to watch this show.
Somehow, this remarkable attempt fails to produce either blood or flames. Austin is puzzled. He wants to know if there is some essential component of fire-building they might be missing.
The obvious answer: They are missing the brain God gave Neanderthal man. Austin admits they don’t have a clue what they are doing, and their shelter is just terrible. Fourth-graders could have done better. The cast of LOST could have done better. Hell, RUPERT could have done better. Nick is unconcerned, saying "Let's just hope it doesn’t rain." No worries Nick, it hardly ever rains on a goddamn tropical island.
Team Robb’s completely pathetic attempts at shelter actually look good once we see what Team Heidi is doing. Or not doing. Courtney, Danielle and Sally are wandering around the woods, shopping all the possible locations for a shelter like they were picking shoes for the prom. At least four times someone says, “We should keep looking, don’t you think?” Uh, no. And honey, no one's thinking. That would hurt too much.
As they wander around the beach, they come across a dead sea turtle, and Courtney goes certifiably batty. She declared it "really weird," and encircles the rotting carcass with a heart drawn in the sand. She begins decorating with seashells. Courtney declares the turtle a symbol of Mother Earth. Danielle and Sally stand back about 30 feet looking at her like she is insane. Sally later confesses “to me it’s just a turtle.” Courtney says she wants to wait for high tide, and roll the turtle back into the ocean. Danielle looks repulsed. In confessional she says Courtney over-dramatizes things, but we really know she just didn't want to get any closer to that creepy thing on the beach. Or the turtle, either.
Courtney: “Oh my God, it freaks me out man.”
Our first three inept tribes are put to shame by Team Rudy. Mr. Miyagi is splitting trees with the power of his mind and a few Belushi Samurai Chops. The build a fire that can be seen from space. They’ve begun to boil enough water to bath Cirie. They’ve accumulated enough bamboo stalks to build a Best Western.
We’re ready for our first indestructible alliance, forged with the blatant lie of “I’ll never lie to you.” AstroDan the Whitest Man says to Top Gun Terry, “Can I trust you?”
Now, has anyone ever answered that question honestly? “No, ya moron. I'm here to crush you. But I'll let you believe any damn thing you want as long as you vote the way I tell you.”
Still, the heroic astronaut scientist and the heroic fighter pilot shake hands, promising never to lie. Then they each reveal they've been lying about their secret identities. I love an alliance built on honesty.
We cut back to Team Rudy, currently building the Best Western's eastern ballroom. Mr. Miyagi, Dan and Terry are working hard. Shane is complaining about being eaten by bugs. Mr. Miyagi is shouting instructions. Shane is complaining about not fitting in with the older guys who just want to work all the time. He’s gone 31 hours without a cigarette, and he’s getting cranky. He storms out of the surf and lectures AstroDan about how capable they all are, which is Survivor code for "I could do all this shit too if I wanted, but right now I need to be a lazy douchebag.” Dan’s reponse: “You betcha.”
Meanwhile, somwhere down the beach, Mr. Miyagi is frantically signaling for Shane to fetch him the machete. Shane calls him "Daffy Duck." If we didn't hate Shane before, we must hate him now. No one dare insult Miyagi-san. Shane sits around. Shane moans some more about detox. Shane reminds himself not to lash out. Meanwhile Mr. Miyagi is directly behind him, playing Samurai Coconut while the others cheer him on.
Commercials
Is there anything more nauseating that Steve Martin as the Pink Panther? … Some poor woman has terminal amnesia caused by pasting Crest White Strips into her mouth … Donovan McNabb’s Mom is here to offer that big Chunky Soup Super Bowl Pre-Game Banquet to the NFC Champion Philadel (um, nevermind) … MasterCard’s hired annoying and twitchy Vegas-like people to hawk their wallet-sucking larceny … Pecchhnfttt Fresh, the lovable green Mucinex Doughboy. Such a cute lil scum bag … Lean Cuisine is full of fabulous stuff, which is then freeze dried into unpalatable stones … Jennifer Loves ToDoIt stars in The Corpse Botherer and, sadly, the poor girl is not aging well … Something I won't watch about serial killers Close to Home… A Wassup! A special about the best Super Bowl commercials … A repeat of “When Davey met Oprah” … A way too white rap video for Mercedes-Benz, and that's a sure sign of the Apocalypse … Perennial porky Cher sings of her lust for Weight Watchers … Wachovia is out to devour the banking industry … and a news tease offering sex and violence at 11.
It is night one on Asshole Island, and Misty is in the dark, watching a thunderstorm. She is completely and utterly alone, except for the nine crew members.
When dawn breaks, she complains that she’s tired, hungry and thirsty.
She digs up a worm and gulps it down with a shrug, saying “It’s protein.” A quick cut to a shot of a snake is there to remind us how much protein Misty had to gulp to get on this damn show. And she loves the taste. Of the worm, I mean. The dirty worm. Anyway, she resumes the search for the immunity idol in the leaves on the ground, cooking up the brilliant strategy of lying to her teammates to let them believe that she actually found the stupid thing. This way, she can quickly reveal her true backstabbing biotch nature.
Immunity challenge.
Each of the four tribes approaches on foot along the beach. Misty joins them, and drops hints that she found the idol. Some folks might actually believe her. In either case, she is immediately marked as trouble. Brilliant strategy.
At this point Jeff reveals the Immunity Idol, essentially three skulls skewered on an elaborately decorated stick. Desecration of a mass grave seems to be the theme this season - we have the Immunity Kebob to really insult the natives.
Jeff promises the first three tribes to finish the challenge will get a little head. He seems particularly interested in the idea of three heads that slide up and down on a single stick. Eventually he describes the challenge, which is much like the first challenge in the first thousand versions of the show. Start on a dock, climb a barrier, swim to the raft, unclip the underwater hook, row the raft to shore, run up the beach and solve a ring/rope puzzle. Instructions to solve the puzzle are buried in the sand. Once the ring is free of the rope, use the ring to snag a grappling hook and pull the hook, releasing the flag. Where's the damn pirate cannons??
The challenge begins, and Team Scout immediately fall behind trying to scale the barrier. Team Rudy takes the lead, with Team Heidi nice behind, uh, right behind. Meanwhile Team Scout can’t get their raft untethered, but they’ve certainly managed to get Cirie’s tremendous flailing breasts untethered. She spends the rest of the challenge smacking the camera with uncontrollable boobage.
Team Rudy paddles into their lane marker and gets snagged. Team Heidi takes the lead. Team Scout releases their boat. Team Robb’s Utterly Useless Nick can’t get the raft unhooked. Aras dives in to take his place, and unhooks it on the first try, using the powerful yoga technique of opening the clip. Meanwhile Team Scout starts paddling. Inexplicably, Jeffy shouts “Older Women have it going on.” Julie Berry storms off the set.
Team Heidi hits the beach first, and go for the brain teaser. Uh-oh. Team Rudy is right behind. Both of these tribes have two people digging for the instructions while two others attempt the puzzle. Team Scout arrives. Three of them dig furiously... while Melinda stands and watches. Team Heidi finds the diagram. Team Robb straggles on to the beach, and two of them start digging. Team Scout is still digging, and Melinda is still doing nothing but attempting to copy someone else’s solution. Jeff says “that could be costly.”
Despite all odds, Team Heidi finishes the brain teaser first. They toss the ring and drop the flag to claim the first immunity. The other three teams find the instructions nearly all at the same time. Terry reads out the intstructions and Team Rudy solves the puzzle. Mr. Miyagi snags the hook in his first shot and drops their flag.
It is now a challenge between Team Scout, which needs to debate what each instruction means; and Team Robb, which can’t even read the instructions. The guys finish first and win the final immunity.
Jeffy gives skull to Team Robb, congratulating them for pulling it out. He gives head to Team Rudy, and Shane kisses the idol. Because Team Heidi finished first, Jeff gives them skull, and he gives them the pole as well. They squeal in delight. Jeff tells Team Scout to join him later at Tribal Council, and sends them all back to their camps.
Commercials
Grammys again … Tom Jones sings Help Yourself for Dr. Pepper … What if Zorro returned and no one cared … Kay Jewelers with a Valentine's Day public service announcement: Give jewelry every year … Guys who eat Tyson Chicken Nuggets can carry their kids and a sled up Mt. Kilimanjaro … Thank God: SBC and ATT have finally joined together. The gift registry is at Wal*Mart. Now, is it SBCATT or SABTCT? … Domino’s Pizza will drive suburban dads to microphone-wielding insanity … Emma Thompson without makeup as Marry Poppins from Hell … CSI … Charlie Sheen tries to get sex from Alyssa Milano … Previously amusing Jenna Elfman tries to get her career back.
When we return, the mood is somber at Camp Casaya. While the others continue to work around camp, Tina has gone to the beach to ponder life. The others wonder what is wrong with her and say she’s weird. Smart move, Tina.
Cirie confesses that she is nervous, and that she doesn’t feel as if she is the most physically fit person on the tribe. I'm forced to agree. Cirie is worried and she doesn’t want to go home.
We cut to the beach, where Tina has written the name of her 16-yearold son Charlie. Poor Charlie was killed in a car accident four months earlier. TearyTina’s crying and carving hearts and shamrocks in the sand, but tells us that she wants to keep the death a secret from the other women. Smart move, Tina. A grieving mom would never get any sympathy in that crowd.
While TearyTina is weeping, Cirie is planting the knife. She’s working to convince Ruth-Marie that none of them can beat Tina in challenges, completely forgetting that they are in a team competition, and almost three weeks away from individual challenges.
Back to TearyTina’s stroll on the beach. She has found a huge fish trapped and dying on the rocks. She brings it back for dinner.
Let’s review:
Tina started the fire.
Tina found the water.
Tina built the shelter.
Tina found food.
Tina’s got to go.
Tribal Council.
Night falls, and Team Scout heads to the quasi-realistic indigenous people Hollywood set. As they approach we see Jeff poised at the top of a cliff, looking like a Mayan Panamanian God. It reeks of pretension. Team Scout ascends “stone” steps into Jeffy’s Cave of Imminent Doom, conveniently studded with stalagmites straight from the prop shop.
Light the torch and get fire... blah blah... fire is life... when it's gone so, are you.
Jeff: Welcome to Tribal Council you hags… Melinda, you’ve been here three days and haven’t vomited yet. Do you need to see Cerie naked?
Melinda: I’m in Panamanian Hell. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and Jeff, I haven’t done a damn thing out here. It’s mentally physically emotionally spiritually difficult. You could never do it, you pampered, cabin-sleepin’, mess hall-eatin’, former-cast-member’slaggin’ jackass.
Jeff: Pfft. Cerie, what the hell are you doing here?
Cerie: I’m from Jersey City. I’ve never been outdoors. People like me oughta stay on the couch. Hell, honey, I AM a couch.
Jeff: Tina, you might be the most capable woman out here. These people owe you their lives.
Tina: I’m doing great. I’m confident. I’ve never been indoors. I can feed and shelter a small village with just these stones here.
Jeff: Ruth-Marie-Jon, you people should thank the Sweet Baby Jesus that Tina is here, or you’d all be dead already.
Ruth-Marie-Jon: Oh yeah, she did a great job. We love her. We need her. She’ll be with us forever.
Jeff: Cerie, it sounds like Tina is the leader.
Cerie: Fo’ now. But I’m gonna cut da bitch out. She found water, she started fire. Big deal. We coulda found da water, we can start fire. I’m not dumb like people say. I can do things. But Tina just stepped on up and took over. I was gonna break her arms off, but she was holding a big scary leaf. But I’m gonna kill her. Right here. Right now. Let’s go, bitch!!
Jeff: Tina, are these other women fat lazy slugs?
Tina: Hell yes.
Jeff: Melinda, any disagreement?
Melinda: Well sugah, no offense but Tina’s workin’ woke me from my nap. And now my nails are scratched cause I had to stand still and not help a single bit during the immunity challenge that we lost because I stood there and watched and didn't help and I'm totally to blame. Oh my heavens, Ashley, I’m plum tuckered out.
Jeff: Frankly, I don’t give a damn. Go over to the voting booth and kill yourselves.
We are shown Cerie’s vote for Tina, and Tina voting for Cerie, citing that odd fear of leaves. The other votes are secret, but we can guess what’s about to happen because prospective Survivor contestants are required to provide proof of mental handicap or insanity before they can get on the show.
Jeff counts the votes with much unnecessary drama.
Tina, Cerie, Tina…
first person voted out of Survivor Exile Island … Tina.
Snuff-o-rama, and Jeff practically laughs at Team Scout. "It’s the toughest thing you’ve ever done, and you voted out the one person who could keep you alive. We’ll send a crew by in a week to collect your corpses, you stupid cows. Go eat leaves."
Febreeze family moment: Eight extraordinarily ugly folks clustered on a couch tell TimberTina she showed sweet skills, and that she is Queen of the Forest. Um… do they know she lost?
Next time on Survivor Asshole Island
Team Heidi plays Twister, and Jeff says that “raises the stake.” Mr. Miyagi catch fly with chopsticks. Shane wants to Osten, and Cerie inhales helium. Later that night a storm moves in and Shane is struck by lightning.
He's finally smoking again. ¶ 12:14 PM 14 Comments
By TeamJoisey
Survivor Panama: Asshole Island opens with an overhead shot of swirling vultures. There are dozens of these vicious carnivores anticipating the opportunity to swoop down and rip the juicy flesh off rotting carcasses strewn far beneath them. After all these years of being bludgeoned with Snake/Rat/Spider/Shark contestant imagery, it was nice to see the producers finally pay a little homage to the humble summary writers. Thanks guys. The gesture means a lot to us here at Survive This.
Okay.
Thursday night at 8 p.m. Survivor 6,012.
The ritual begins anew. I hear Jeff Probst.
And where are we this time?
Damn. Panama. Again.
No one will mention the show is back in the Pearl Islands for a third time. That would be admitting this tired wreck of a production has run out of locations, or that they’ve settled on one favorite spot conveniently located near the world's major opium producers. But we all know where they are. We can still see Rupert's submerged beach cabana, and Nasal Nazi Christa Hastie’s transparent underwear is hanging from the trees. Hell, Andrew Savage may be lurking nearby.
Yeah, they've been to Panama before, most recently for the lamentable ASS edition won by Amber, she of the not so lamentable ass. But mark my words, this time – THIS TIME – will be special, because this time - THIS TIME - they've found a godforsaken little rock that becomes nearly submerged at high tide. And they've marked it with a Hideous Halloween Parade Float sitting out on a cliff.
This is Asshole Island.
I know, because Jeff Probst is standing there.
Jeff begins to explain this season's
At the same time their tribemates will convene back at camp to conspire over the exile’s assassination. And the loser will look for a secret hidden something that almost guarantees victory. (Immediately I suspect Stephenie is off camera, ready to sit in the final two.) Evil Pecker Mark Burnett and his producer guys are always full of ideas. Bad ideas, but ideas nonetheless. Bring eliminated players back from the dead, bring previous contestants back so they wish they were dead, bring back the same tired challenges we've seen for 11 seasons, bring back Jeff Probst and that damn blue shirt. Somebody put a bullet in this franchise, and please make sure it stays dead.
We see four boats streaming toward this here Asshole Island, each with four passengers. They disembark and begin to join Jeff, who climbs atop the Hideous Halloween Parade Float for the fabulously exciting zoom-out shot that kicks off the opening credits.
Oh dear God. I’m bored already.
While Evil Pecker Mark Burnett provides a small glimpse at each of our 16 vagabonds, I'm here to give you a better understanding of why each should be hurled into a bonfire at the earliest possible convenience. And I should warn you, a lot of these elements are going to seem awfully familiar...
Perhaps the world's whitest man, New Englander Dan Barry has accomplished everything life has to offer except total humiliation. For that, he roots for the Red Sox. Dan earned a master’s degree and a doctorate at Princeton. He builds robots for his own company. He’s got five patents, and 50 published scientific papers. He’s been an assistant professor. He’s a 52-year-old former astronaut who flew on the only three missions in which the space shuttle failed to disintegrate. He’s been on four space walks. Asshole Island probably won’t scare him as much as say, Courtney’s hair. He’s brilliant, he’s athletic, he’s charming and disarming. There’s nothing to dislike about this guy. I hate that about him.
On the other hand, this guy just might be the biggest asshole in the history of the show. Shane Powers smokes three packs of cigarettes and drinks 15 cups of espresso each day. Here in Panama, he'll be in sweaty detox by day two, and a raving lunatic in Loser Lodge for the final 30 days. For some reason this 35-year-old jerk can't stop touching himself. He describes himself as witty, outgoing and funny. Yeah, he's both witty and funny. He was born in Omaha, but they ran him out of the state when he graduated high school. Now he lives in Los Angeles, where he owns a entertainment marketing company. What is that, you ask? It means he spends most of his day screwing around, and half an hour leeching off famous people with actual skills. But the real evidence this guy is an asshole? He named his son Boston. Yeah baby, Boston Powers. Did I mention he thinks he's both witty and funny? Did I mention he's an asshole? Does that mean he'll win? Is it OK if I hope they actually kill him instead?
Kesuke Miyagi is a handyman and karate instructor in Southern California best known for the day NooJoisey native Daniel Russo defeated a screaming thug from Cobra Kai with that ludicrous "crane" move - thus necessitating two other hideous movies. Before he gained the ability to cure debilitating injuries with his bare hands, Mr. Miyagi ran a Milwaukee hamburger restaurant. He is currently in the Old Actors Protection Program as Bruce Kanegai, a high school art teacher who also trains Los Angeles police officers in those effective "arrest and control techniques." Miyagi-san backpacked across Oregon and survived a rattlesnake bite. At 58, he's the oldest competitor on the show, and damn, he just won't shut up. Wax off, dude! 
Our next contestant is a Joisey boy. But don’t think of him as a Joisey scumbag, unless you are one of those terrist-sympathizing Democraps who won’t support the troops. Terry Deitz is a former F-14 fighter pilot right out of Top Gun, a four-year varsity baseball player at the Naval Academy, a weapons specialist and later a pilot for American Airlines. At 46, he is retired from the military and living in Connecticut with a wife and two kids. Rudy Boesch: twenty years younger. Terry’s got that graying at the temples that somehow signifies wisdom, a big gap-toothed smile that somehow signifies trustworthiness, and he’ll probably kick ass in any physical challenge. I dream of the day ol' Terry goes Rambo on that nauseating creep Shane. Handsome heroic Terry Deitz is one good alliance away from the final four. He just needs to find his Ian - and there’s never a shortage of easily manipulated idiots on this show.
Social worker Sally Schumann can't take a hint. She applied for Survivor five times before she got on the show. Maybe that's because the first four times she was a dull married blonde soccer coach from Buffalo, Minnesota, ya betcha. Now she's a 27-year-old hot blonde divorcee and social worker in viewer-laden Chicago. Another college athlete, she has recently taken up marathon running. I understand she's also taken up oral sex with casting agents and/or vain aging television game show hosts. Sally's greatest passion is photography, with or without clothing. She's a Survivor fanatic, and says she knows all the strategies that work. Start laughing at her now. And she's got big ol' movie-screen teeth. Is Crest sponsoring this show?
Danielle DiLorenzo is a former gymnast who suffered a career-ending injury as Division I soccer player. She’s also worked as a model. She grew up in Massachusetts, where she became addicted to the Boston Red Sox. Right now she’s working in “medical sales” in South Florida, a job that may or may not involve swallowing condoms full of cocaine in a Bogota airport. JiffyProbst says she was “cocky” in casting. Or maybe that was his pants. Danielle, 24, says she is very strong minded and driven. She also claims she’s got a lot of personality. She must be working hard to contain herself. All I see so far is a ditz with “medical sales” teeth and some big ol’ “medical sales” boobs. But hey, that almost worked for Heidi.
Sideshow Barbie Courtney Marit is a certifiable weirdo. Formerly an elite gymnast, she now combs her hair once a decade, and makes a living as a performance artist in Los Angeles. She's billed on the show as a Fire Dancer. Uh-huh. She's worked alongside the pretentious French whores of Cirque du Soleil, and promises to provide "a good time." I think that means she'll strip and put her ankles behind her neck for about $40. In her 31 years she's walked the deserts of Chile, hitchhiked across Mexico, surfed in Costa Rica, lived in caves in India, run a marathon in Honolulu, yachted across the Atlantic... but she's doing this stupid television show for "the adventure." Like everyone else in Los Angeles, she is currently single and working on her first screenplay. In about six days she's going to be the world's largest freckle.
Lithe, curvaceous 24-year-old Misty Giles may look like a former Miss Texas Teen. She may look like a former Venus Swimwear model. She may look bubbly and perky and sexy, and perhaps like me you want to cave in her perfect goddamn teeth. But wait! She’s got a degree in engineering and works as a rocket scientist. She’s intelligent and articulate. She mentors young girls and gives motivational seminars. She’s from a military family, so she’s learned to make new friends quickly. She’s into kickboxing. And we have this in common: Her favorite magazine is the Victoria’s Secret Catalogue. But is she looking at the clothes, or the models? 
Religious nut Austin Carty is a 24-year-old "author" from High Point, North Carolina who played soccer at fundamentalist, zealot-ridden Liberty University. He also expects to play a morally pure game. His weepy self-published first novel, Somewhere Beyond Here, is currently Number 447,265 on the Amazon.com Best Seller list (no lie). He stole the title (no lie) from Fievel the cartoon mouse. Austin is nearly that tall. This actor-wannabe makes ends meet by modeling for Hanes underwear and John Deere tractors. He also (surprise!) tends bar. He likes walks on the beach, he likes hikes in the woods, he likes deep romantic threesomes with slutty college barflies. His blonde little sister is a beauty pageant whorelet, which makes this guy a barely grown Burke Ramsay with an ignorant redneck streak.
The Bob Dawg, a.k.a. Bobby Mason, 32, grew up on the rough streets of South Central Los Angeles, so expect him to bond immediately with all the other Crips out here. When the Bob Dawg was younger, three of his close friends died after being unexpectedly perforated by small caliber arms. Luckily the Bob Dawg’s steroid-enhanced physique is virtually impenetrable. He’s buff, he’s bold, he’s beautiful and he's here to kick ass. He listens to rap music, his favorite actors are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. He refers to himself as a third party called The Bob Dawg - a clear sign the guy is a sociopath. And somehow, like some bad UPN-TV drama, The Bob Dawg got a Stanford law degree which he uses to fight da man on behalf of the righteous dudes stuck on the gritty streets. He is so annoying the other players are sure to euthanize The Bob Dawg long before the jury convenes. 
Nick Stanbury is a pathetic wastrel who wants to be on Survivor so he can learn about himself, and so he can meet beautiful women. Particularly those who haven’t seen soap or a toothbrush for 39 days. He grew up in Wyoming, failed at Montana State University, moved to Arizona State and eventually got a degree in supply chain management. This clueless bastard currently works in radio sales, using that “supply chain” degree when yelling “Hey Julio, do we have any more of those Sanyos in the back room?” He is 25, and yet his favorite cereal is Fruity Pebbles, his favorite actresses are Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. His favorite sport is masturbation and his computer is full of naked pictures of underage girls. OK, I’m guessing on that. But dood, you say you are here to meet women. Ashley Olsen? Is Lindsay Lohan too mature?
Aras Baskauskas is a 24-year-old yoga instructor from Santa Monica who played NCAA Division I college basketball while earning his MBA at UC Irvine. He then went on to play professional basketball in Lithuania, and opened a donation-based yoga studio in South Africa. Like, um... nice use of an education, dood. His hobbies include meditation and surfing. He eats granola, bananas and oatmeal raisin cookies, drinks orange juice without alcohol. This loser hit almost every SoCal stereotype except bartender/actor/underwear model. So he went on Survivor instead, determined to play an honorable game according to his yoga principles. He doesn't deserve to be here, so the annoying shit will probably knife them all in the back and win.
You would think being crowned the 1978 South Carolina Watermelon Queen would be enough attention to last a lifetime. You wouldn’t be Ruth Marie Milliman, who also earned a degree in criminal justice, served as a narcotics agent, worked as a flight attendant, and served as a page in the South Carolina House of 
Joiseyan Cirie Fields was born and raised in Jersey City, and currently works as an operating room nurse in South Carolina. Before that she worked in a candy factory and as a telemarketer - valuable medical experience indeed. Cirie hopes her huge, um... personality, her big smile and that fun attitude will help her win the million bucks. Uh huh. They always give the money to Miss Congeniality. This 35-year-old effervescent loon can't be too smart, because she worked hard to lose 30 pounds before she went on Survivor. Lucky for her she can still stand to lose a teensy bit more. At least Cirie can swim. Or so she says. She's certainly got the pontoons.
Tennessee gives us 32-year-old dinner theater performer Melinda Hyder, quite possibly the least prepared Survivor contestant ever. Her hobbies include home decorating, watching soap operas and collecting Marilyn Monroe memorabilia. She does not play competitive sports of any kind. She reads Us Weekly. She's got big acrylic fingernails. She’s an over the hill perky little pageant girl who has yet to grow up. In other words, she’s a time bomb of “I didn’t know it would be this hard” poised to start throwing up in the weeds. Smiling on day one, sobbing by day five. And sweet Baby Jesus, what is with all these damn teeth? Kill her. Kill her now.
If you need a woman who can swing an axe (and who doesn't?) then you need "Timber" Tina Scheer, who leads a competitive team of female lumberjacks... 'cuze me, lumberjills. She grew up in the woods of northern Wisconsin where she learned log rolling at age seven. She is now 45 and admits she is still most comfortable outdoors "riding a log." She likes the Green Bay Packers and Guinness beer... she's sorta like Sue Hawk with skills. And breasts. Tina was originally selected to compete in Guatemala, but her only child, 16-year-old Charlie, was killed in a car accident a week before filming began. She was given a spot here instead. She says she's playing for Charlie. Expect some weepy moments, but no family visit.When we return from the ooh-aah, oowee-oowee opening credits, Jeff invites the 16 grinning imbeciles onto four mats and explains that they’ve been divided into four tribes by gender and age. Bulbous Cirie is upset to find out she’s considered “older.” Austin is unhappy he can’t openly flirt with the Tribe of Heidis. Courtney gives him a wink anyway. Bobby Bob Dawg delineates the four tribes as the Young Beefcake Tribe, of which he proclaims himself charter member and president; the Love Boat Crowd of old guys; the Golden Girls group of old ladies; and the Spice Girls.
Jeff continues to blather, explaining Asshole Island, and then springs the first reward challenge. Cut to confessional, where Danielle brags about how good she will be in challenges. Yeah, OK. We see this coming.
The challenge is simple, and involves ritual desecration of a mass grave. One tribe member sprints to the other end of Asshole Island where there is a cluster of skulls. Smashing them one at a time, they must retrieve an amulet hidden in one of the skulls. The first three back win their tribe a flint to start fire. The losing tribe will choose one person to strand on Asshole Island. The tribemates introduce themselves to each other, and select their representative. Team Robb picks Austin, Team Rudy picks Terry, Team Scout picks Ruth-Marie and Team Heidi picks Danielle. Of course.
The first challenge begins, and Danielle sprints ahead of the others. Austin falls on his face. They all get skull at the same time and start getting smashed. Terry finishes first. Austin finishes second. Tensions mount. Tina is already badmouthing Ruth-Marie’s performance, which she cannot even see. “She’s not a smasher,” says Timber Tina, who has known Ruth-Marie for all of 26 seconds. Lots of waiting.
Finally, Ruth-Marie runs up with the final amulet. Danielle arrives to teary-eyed but supportive teammates, who begin looking for a place to stick the knife.Jeff distributes the flints, and then asks the young women to choose an exile. Danielle volunteers, but the other women decide that’s not really fair. It's intelligent and good gamesmanship and logical, but not really fair if it hurts someone's feelings. They play rock-paper-scissors until Misty loses. I would have enjoyed it more with actual rocks and scissors.
Finally Jeff explains the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol, which can be used at any time through the Final Four. No, not the NCAA Tournament.
If one of them finds the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol, they can use it to save themselves at Tribal Council, even after the votes have been tallied. If they do, the person with the second highest number of votes goes home. Jeff promises to give them clues to the idols location as the game goes on, and gives each group a map and sends them on their way. He tells Misty she has a machete and undrinkable water. She “also has a lot of time to think about why fate chose you to be the first one out here which is also why immunity is already so important.” Then he tells her he’s given her the first clue, and he leaves.
Commercials
OnStar Vehicle Diagnostics means your car can spam your email with ads that promise a bigger dipstick... A Disney movie about heroic sled dogs who save the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge from America’s addiction to oil… Office dweebs writhe in pleasure over their Nextel phones… Chase bank now offers 900 ways to crush your credit rating… A neighborhood of poorly assembled cars, and somehow that ad is not for Ford… Two broke losers can have group sex with cheerleaders if they order off the “Cheap Bastard” menu at Friday’s… Disney continues to rape itself, this time offering Bambi II: Buck’s Revenge. Only a few years until Bambi III: Thumper’s Thumpin’ Bunny Love Thump… Terminal geekiness threatens the cast of Numb3rs, none of whom know how to properly shave… The Grammys are on next week, with a tribute to Sly and the Family Stallone.
The show resumes, and we are shown each group being ferried to their island. What, no canoes? Misty stands forlornly on Asshole Point, and begins her search for the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol in the water. She then begins to consider Jeff's "clue," mistakenly believing he said "fate left you behind." She interprets this as a clue that means the Super Secret Hidden Immunity Idol was behind her at that point. For a rocket scientist, this is not a smart girl. She begins poking through the ground behind where she had been standing.
Team Scout has arrived at their beach. Cirie is distressed by the machete, fearing they might have to clear an area, thus exposing bugs and stuff. This is not a good sign for my Joisey Girl. Luckily for Cirie, Team Scout goes straight to work building a fire. And Timber Tina, the lifelong outdoorswoman, quickly starts a huge fire while singing Disco Inferno. Once the fire has been built up, TimberTina begins singing Kumbaya. Does she know what happened to Wanda? Next they build a fairly credible shelter, with TimberTina leading the way. After this TimberTina finds their water source. That TimberTina, she sure seems essential.
While they are working, Cirie is picking up leaves for bedding. Yes, leaves... the sort of which fall from New Jersey trees with some regularity, particularly in autumn. For some irrational reason, Cirie mutters that she hates leaves. Yes, she hates leaves. To me this was no surprise, because girlfriend here hasn't been anywhere near a salad in 20 years. But Tina questions her on this. Cirie is actually afraid of things that might be under the leaves. Because, ya know, there were never any bugs in the slums of Jersey City. Well, there were bugs. There just weren't any leaves.
Tina provides the question every viewer is asking themselves: “Did anyone tell her what show she was going on? I’m thinking those leaves are the least of your problem, honey.”
Over at Viveros, most of Team Robb is playing baseball on the beach with coconuts. Never mind that fire, or water or shelter crap - watch me smack this coconut into the woods. Basketball-lovin' yoga instructor Aras is disturbed by this lack of serious effort to improve the karma. He summons utterly useless Nick and the author/hobbit Austin together and performs a few Jedi mind tricks. Somehow this Dali Lloser convinces the other two asswipes to place their hands in some mystical layer cake, as if waiting for a Zen baseball bat to appear. They actually stand like this for several minutes, concentrating on the idea of fire, as if it will spring from their hands.
Mystical Aras is urging them on, pleading with them to "feel the energy." Oddly enough, he’s also staring at Austin and licking his lips. Maybe they ought to be concentrating on water, maybe Aras needs a cold shower. And maybe Austin ought to sleep in all his clothes.Bob Dawg is standing off to the side looking at them like the crazy white boys they are. Nick later confesses that Aras has a lot of hair-brained ideas. Strangely, this one seems to have worked, because Nick and Austin feel so absolutely stupid they agree to start building a fire. Badly. The Jedi mind trick hand pyramid of flames was brilliant compared to what we see next.
If I knew how, I'd stick a poll right here.
Which is stupider?
1. Trying to build fire inside a cramped cooking pot, which you will need for water.
2. Trying to start a fire by tightly holding a small flint in one hand while repeatedly and wildly swinging a razor-sharp two-foot machete at the flint.
3. Kneeling next to the first moron, so that your face is millimeters away from the potential flames, the continuously sparking flint... and the wildly swinging, uncontrollable razor-sharp two-foot machete.
4. Continuing to watch this show.
Somehow, this remarkable attempt fails to produce either blood or flames. Austin is puzzled. He wants to know if there is some essential component of fire-building they might be missing.
The obvious answer: They are missing the brain God gave Neanderthal man. Austin admits they don’t have a clue what they are doing, and their shelter is just terrible. Fourth-graders could have done better. The cast of LOST could have done better. Hell, RUPERT could have done better. Nick is unconcerned, saying "Let's just hope it doesn’t rain." No worries Nick, it hardly ever rains on a goddamn tropical island.
Team Robb’s completely pathetic attempts at shelter actually look good once we see what Team Heidi is doing. Or not doing. Courtney, Danielle and Sally are wandering around the woods, shopping all the possible locations for a shelter like they were picking shoes for the prom. At least four times someone says, “We should keep looking, don’t you think?” Uh, no. And honey, no one's thinking. That would hurt too much.
As they wander around the beach, they come across a dead sea turtle, and Courtney goes certifiably batty. She declared it "really weird," and encircles the rotting carcass with a heart drawn in the sand. She begins decorating with seashells. Courtney declares the turtle a symbol of Mother Earth. Danielle and Sally stand back about 30 feet looking at her like she is insane. Sally later confesses “to me it’s just a turtle.” Courtney says she wants to wait for high tide, and roll the turtle back into the ocean. Danielle looks repulsed. In confessional she says Courtney over-dramatizes things, but we really know she just didn't want to get any closer to that creepy thing on the beach. Or the turtle, either. Courtney: “Oh my God, it freaks me out man.”
Our first three inept tribes are put to shame by Team Rudy. Mr. Miyagi is splitting trees with the power of his mind and a few Belushi Samurai Chops. The build a fire that can be seen from space. They’ve begun to boil enough water to bath Cirie. They’ve accumulated enough bamboo stalks to build a Best Western.We’re ready for our first indestructible alliance, forged with the blatant lie of “I’ll never lie to you.” AstroDan the Whitest Man says to Top Gun Terry, “Can I trust you?”
Now, has anyone ever answered that question honestly? “No, ya moron. I'm here to crush you. But I'll let you believe any damn thing you want as long as you vote the way I tell you.”
Still, the heroic astronaut scientist and the heroic fighter pilot shake hands, promising never to lie. Then they each reveal they've been lying about their secret identities. I love an alliance built on honesty.
We cut back to Team Rudy, currently building the Best Western's eastern ballroom. Mr. Miyagi, Dan and Terry are working hard. Shane is complaining about being eaten by bugs. Mr. Miyagi is shouting instructions. Shane is complaining about not fitting in with the older guys who just want to work all the time. He’s gone 31 hours without a cigarette, and he’s getting cranky. He storms out of the surf and lectures AstroDan about how capable they all are, which is Survivor code for "I could do all this shit too if I wanted, but right now I need to be a lazy douchebag.” Dan’s reponse: “You betcha.”
Meanwhile, somwhere down the beach, Mr. Miyagi is frantically signaling for Shane to fetch him the machete. Shane calls him "Daffy Duck." If we didn't hate Shane before, we must hate him now. No one dare insult Miyagi-san. Shane sits around. Shane moans some more about detox. Shane reminds himself not to lash out. Meanwhile Mr. Miyagi is directly behind him, playing Samurai Coconut while the others cheer him on.Commercials
Is there anything more nauseating that Steve Martin as the Pink Panther? … Some poor woman has terminal amnesia caused by pasting Crest White Strips into her mouth … Donovan McNabb’s Mom is here to offer that big Chunky Soup Super Bowl Pre-Game Banquet to the NFC Champion Philadel (um, nevermind) … MasterCard’s hired annoying and twitchy Vegas-like people to hawk their wallet-sucking larceny … Pecchhnfttt Fresh, the lovable green Mucinex Doughboy. Such a cute lil scum bag … Lean Cuisine is full of fabulous stuff, which is then freeze dried into unpalatable stones … Jennifer Loves ToDoIt stars in The Corpse Botherer and, sadly, the poor girl is not aging well … Something I won't watch about serial killers Close to Home… A Wassup! A special about the best Super Bowl commercials … A repeat of “When Davey met Oprah” … A way too white rap video for Mercedes-Benz, and that's a sure sign of the Apocalypse … Perennial porky Cher sings of her lust for Weight Watchers … Wachovia is out to devour the banking industry … and a news tease offering sex and violence at 11.
It is night one on Asshole Island, and Misty is in the dark, watching a thunderstorm. She is completely and utterly alone, except for the nine crew members.
When dawn breaks, she complains that she’s tired, hungry and thirsty.
She digs up a worm and gulps it down with a shrug, saying “It’s protein.” A quick cut to a shot of a snake is there to remind us how much protein Misty had to gulp to get on this damn show. And she loves the taste. Of the worm, I mean. The dirty worm. Anyway, she resumes the search for the immunity idol in the leaves on the ground, cooking up the brilliant strategy of lying to her teammates to let them believe that she actually found the stupid thing. This way, she can quickly reveal her true backstabbing biotch nature. Immunity challenge.
Each of the four tribes approaches on foot along the beach. Misty joins them, and drops hints that she found the idol. Some folks might actually believe her. In either case, she is immediately marked as trouble. Brilliant strategy.
At this point Jeff reveals the Immunity Idol, essentially three skulls skewered on an elaborately decorated stick. Desecration of a mass grave seems to be the theme this season - we have the Immunity Kebob to really insult the natives. Jeff promises the first three tribes to finish the challenge will get a little head. He seems particularly interested in the idea of three heads that slide up and down on a single stick. Eventually he describes the challenge, which is much like the first challenge in the first thousand versions of the show. Start on a dock, climb a barrier, swim to the raft, unclip the underwater hook, row the raft to shore, run up the beach and solve a ring/rope puzzle. Instructions to solve the puzzle are buried in the sand. Once the ring is free of the rope, use the ring to snag a grappling hook and pull the hook, releasing the flag. Where's the damn pirate cannons??
The challenge begins, and Team Scout immediately fall behind trying to scale the barrier. Team Rudy takes the lead, with Team Heidi nice behind, uh, right behind. Meanwhile Team Scout can’t get their raft untethered, but they’ve certainly managed to get Cirie’s tremendous flailing breasts untethered. She spends the rest of the challenge smacking the camera with uncontrollable boobage.
Team Rudy paddles into their lane marker and gets snagged. Team Heidi takes the lead. Team Scout releases their boat. Team Robb’s Utterly Useless Nick can’t get the raft unhooked. Aras dives in to take his place, and unhooks it on the first try, using the powerful yoga technique of opening the clip. Meanwhile Team Scout starts paddling. Inexplicably, Jeffy shouts “Older Women have it going on.” Julie Berry storms off the set.Team Heidi hits the beach first, and go for the brain teaser. Uh-oh. Team Rudy is right behind. Both of these tribes have two people digging for the instructions while two others attempt the puzzle. Team Scout arrives. Three of them dig furiously... while Melinda stands and watches. Team Heidi finds the diagram. Team Robb straggles on to the beach, and two of them start digging. Team Scout is still digging, and Melinda is still doing nothing but attempting to copy someone else’s solution. Jeff says “that could be costly.”Despite all odds, Team Heidi finishes the brain teaser first. They toss the ring and drop the flag to claim the first immunity. The other three teams find the instructions nearly all at the same time. Terry reads out the intstructions and Team Rudy solves the puzzle. Mr. Miyagi snags the hook in his first shot and drops their flag.
It is now a challenge between Team Scout, which needs to debate what each instruction means; and Team Robb, which can’t even read the instructions. The guys finish first and win the final immunity. Jeffy gives skull to Team Robb, congratulating them for pulling it out. He gives head to Team Rudy, and Shane kisses the idol. Because Team Heidi finished first, Jeff gives them skull, and he gives them the pole as well. They squeal in delight. Jeff tells Team Scout to join him later at Tribal Council, and sends them all back to their camps.
We don't really need this picture here,
but tough shit. I like it.
but tough shit. I like it.
Commercials
Grammys again … Tom Jones sings Help Yourself for Dr. Pepper … What if Zorro returned and no one cared … Kay Jewelers with a Valentine's Day public service announcement: Give jewelry every year … Guys who eat Tyson Chicken Nuggets can carry their kids and a sled up Mt. Kilimanjaro … Thank God: SBC and ATT have finally joined together. The gift registry is at Wal*Mart. Now, is it SBCATT or SABTCT? … Domino’s Pizza will drive suburban dads to microphone-wielding insanity … Emma Thompson without makeup as Marry Poppins from Hell … CSI … Charlie Sheen tries to get sex from Alyssa Milano … Previously amusing Jenna Elfman tries to get her career back.
When we return, the mood is somber at Camp Casaya. While the others continue to work around camp, Tina has gone to the beach to ponder life. The others wonder what is wrong with her and say she’s weird. Smart move, Tina.
Cirie confesses that she is nervous, and that she doesn’t feel as if she is the most physically fit person on the tribe. I'm forced to agree. Cirie is worried and she doesn’t want to go home.
We cut to the beach, where Tina has written the name of her 16-yearold son Charlie. Poor Charlie was killed in a car accident four months earlier. TearyTina’s crying and carving hearts and shamrocks in the sand, but tells us that she wants to keep the death a secret from the other women. Smart move, Tina. A grieving mom would never get any sympathy in that crowd.While TearyTina is weeping, Cirie is planting the knife. She’s working to convince Ruth-Marie that none of them can beat Tina in challenges, completely forgetting that they are in a team competition, and almost three weeks away from individual challenges.
Back to TearyTina’s stroll on the beach. She has found a huge fish trapped and dying on the rocks. She brings it back for dinner.
Let’s review:
Tina started the fire.
Tina found the water.
Tina built the shelter.
Tina found food.
Tina’s got to go.
Tribal Council.
Night falls, and Team Scout heads to the quasi-realistic indigenous people Hollywood set. As they approach we see Jeff poised at the top of a cliff, looking like a Light the torch and get fire... blah blah... fire is life... when it's gone so, are you.
Jeff: Welcome to Tribal Council you hags… Melinda, you’ve been here three days and haven’t vomited yet. Do you need to see Cerie naked?
Melinda: I’m in Panamanian Hell. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and Jeff, I haven’t done a damn thing out here. It’s mentally physically emotionally spiritually difficult. You could never do it, you pampered, cabin-sleepin’, mess hall-eatin’, former-cast-member’slaggin’ jackass.
Jeff: Pfft. Cerie, what the hell are you doing here?
Cerie: I’m from Jersey City. I’ve never been outdoors. People like me oughta stay on the couch. Hell, honey, I AM a couch.
Jeff: Tina, you might be the most capable woman out here. These people owe you their lives.
Tina: I’m doing great. I’m confident. I’ve never been indoors. I can feed and shelter a small village with just these stones here.
Jeff: Ruth-Marie-Jon, you people should thank the Sweet Baby Jesus that Tina is here, or you’d all be dead already.
Ruth-Marie-Jon: Oh yeah, she did a great job. We love her. We need her. She’ll be with us forever.
Jeff: Cerie, it sounds like Tina is the leader.
Cerie: Fo’ now. But I’m gonna cut da bitch out. She found water, she started fire. Big deal. We coulda found da water, we can start fire. I’m not dumb like people say. I can do things. But Tina just stepped on up and took over. I was gonna break her arms off, but she was holding a big scary leaf. But I’m gonna kill her. Right here. Right now. Let’s go, bitch!!
Jeff: Tina, are these other women fat lazy slugs?
Tina: Hell yes.
Jeff: Melinda, any disagreement?
Melinda: Well sugah, no offense but Tina’s workin’ woke me from my nap. And now my nails are scratched cause I had to stand still and not help a single bit during the immunity challenge that we lost because I stood there and watched and didn't help and I'm totally to blame. Oh my heavens, Ashley, I’m plum tuckered out.
Jeff: Frankly, I don’t give a damn. Go over to the voting booth and kill yourselves.
We are shown Cerie’s vote for Tina, and Tina voting for Cerie, citing that odd fear of leaves. The other votes are secret, but we can guess what’s about to happen because prospective Survivor contestants are required to provide proof of mental handicap or insanity before they can get on the show.
Jeff counts the votes with much unnecessary drama.Tina, Cerie, Tina…
first person voted out of Survivor Exile Island … Tina.
Snuff-o-rama, and Jeff practically laughs at Team Scout. "It’s the toughest thing you’ve ever done, and you voted out the one person who could keep you alive. We’ll send a crew by in a week to collect your corpses, you stupid cows. Go eat leaves."
Febreeze family moment: Eight extraordinarily ugly folks clustered on a couch tell TimberTina she showed sweet skills, and that she is Queen of the Forest. Um… do they know she lost?
Next time on Survivor Asshole Island
Team Heidi plays Twister, and Jeff says that “raises the stake.” Mr. Miyagi catch fly with chopsticks. Shane wants to Osten, and Cerie inhales helium. Later that night a storm moves in and Shane is struck by lightning.
He's finally smoking again. ¶ 12:14 PM 14 Comments
