Survivor Guatemala

Episode Eleven: The Eeeew Lagoon

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

The Pilgrims fled England to escape religious persecution and landed at Plymouth Rock. After a huge meal with the natives, the menfolk sat down and watched football while the womenfolk cleaned up. Eventually, they went to the Macy's parade.

Sorry, that was previously on Thanksgiving. Previously on Survivor:

Gary and Judd and Danni and Steph put on an amatuer production of Whose Afraid Of Virginia Wolff?. Rafe continued his immunity challenge run, cementing his title of most unlikely immunity hog ever. And Jamie, after finally putting his fears aside and accepting that he wasn't going to get voted out, got voted out, thereby ensuring that he will NEVER TRUST AGAIN!. And, as always, as we go to opening credits, the disembodied voice of Jeff Probst informs us that someone will be voted off the island again tonight.

I bet even he's tired of hearing that particular voiceover.

You know, it's not surprising that there are rumors that Jeffy may be leaving. Hell, Burnett doesn't even pay him enough to buy a new wardrobe. (Leaving aside the possibility that Probst's closet has nothing but blue shirts in it. Blue shirts and a tied-up Andrew Savage.) What's surprising is that the buzz is that Jeff will be replaced by a former female contestant. There aren't many names that jump to mind among the former female contestants when you ask who could replace the Jeffmeister. Let's take an instant poll:

Who do you think is the former female contestant that might replace J.P.?

0 Shiiiiiii Ann
0 Jerrri
0 Ambuh
0 Rupert in a wig
0 I meant a really good wig, better than the rug he currently wears

Ha ha! Tricked you into thinking this was an actual poll! Confess now - how many of you have been busy clicking the imaginary buttons? Raise your hands - be honest - I know it's more than just Alice.

All right - one small bit of housekeeping before we get this dog underway. My original title for this Circle of Friends production was It's All Fun And Games Until The Oompa Loompa Gets Hungry. But that was before TJ provided the photos I used in this piece, and in doing so, provided both the graphic below and the title I decided to go with. The Eeeew Lagoon indeed...

So, without excessive further adieu, on with the show. Or the summary of the show. I get confused.

We open right after the previous tribal council. Judd feels it troubling that he wasn't informed Jamie was getting voted out. He thinks maybe he isn't as secure in the tribe as he thought he was. Judd also dimly suspects that the sun is rising in the same direction each day and that Rafe might not be attracted to girls. Yep, there's no fooling Judd. Not at all. Steph tries to allay his concerns by telling him that they didn't inform him because they didn't want to put him in an awkward position. This lie is so damn bad even Judd doesn't believe it. But he acts like he does. Everyone else comments that the place is so much nicer now that Jamie is gone. All is right in Survivor world, and they all go to bed for a good night's sleep, which for Judd involves emptying his head of every thought he had the previous day.

Morning time! Everyone has a morning ritual. Cindy gets up and has a cup of coffee with her alliance. Gary wakes and immediately begins working the angles to save his ass. And Judd? Judd likes to start the day with a quick dry humping of the ground. He says it reminds him of home.

Startin' the day the Judd Seargant way.

Oops! My bad! Judd is actually eavesdropping as Gary puts the moves on Lydia. Judd wants to learn how a real man picks up a dwarf.

Oops again! Judd is listening in as Gary tries to convince Lydia to join an alliance with him. And Lydia is receptive - she's concerned she may be next. She must not pay any attention to spoilers.

Oooh, that rascally Gary! How dare he try to save himself! As soon as Judd gets the chance, he’s going to tattle to Steph. She’ll know what to do. Why, she’ll probably even give Judd a cookie for being such a good boy!

Indeed, our next scene features Judd blabbing to Rafe and Steph. Rafe says that Judd needs security, and that Steph and he can give Judd that. They’ll be signing the adoption papers later this week. Meanwhile, Steph also makes the observation that Gary is trying hard not to get booted. This seems to come as a shock to her. Considering how little effort she put into playing the angles last season, it probably is a shock to her that people would not go willingly to their Survivor doom. Then Judd, in confessional, rationalizes that Gary is the biggest liar in camp because he told Steph and Judd that he didn’t think Cindy and Lydia deserved to still be in the game and now he is trying to work a deal with Lydia. Apparently the concept of “doing whatever it takes to stay” is unfamiliar to Judd as well. Maybe it’s a Jersey thing.

But enough of this - let's go to the reward challenge. A treemailless reward challenge. I imagine if there was treemail, it would read something like this:

Lydia's short,
Judd's a load
Rafe prefers the Hershey road

Steph's gone nuts
Gary's meat
Danni needs some food to eat

Cindy's looking
Mighty fine
Pity Jules keeps me in line

Swing your club
Drop the corn
Watch Kirk wrestle with the Gorn

Sorry about that last line - I ran out of rhymes and I needed an excuse to run that picture.

The challenge combines two Survivor favorites – the remember the facts about the location challenge with the reveal your alliances / take out your hatred challenge. Okay, make that one favorite. No one likes the remember the facts about the location challenge. But everyone loves the reveal your alliances / take out your hatred challenge. Each survivor has a big die with A, B, C, D, True, and False written on it. Judd immediately tries to roll craps with his; Rafe tries to improve to a Level 4 wizard with his. Good thing Jamie got the boot or he would have been putting string on his so he could hang it from his rearview mirror. Each survivor also has three jugs of corn (no, that's not a reference to Katie Gallagher) hanging in the air.

Jeff will ask a question, the survivors will use their die to show their answer, those survivors who get the answer correct will get the opportunity to swing a club at a jug of corn, and when all three of a survivor's jugs of corn (do you get the feeling I like saying jugs of corn) are broken the survivor is eliminated from the challenge. The last one standing wins reward, a trip to a lagoon, with a hot water waterfall and a cold water lagoon. These combine to form spa like conditions. There were also be food, drink, massages, and an orgy with the natives. Or at least three of those four.

The first question involves how the Maya recorded their written stories. They carved them into something. See if you can click the correct answer in the poll below:

Did the Maya carve their stories in:

0 Stella! Stelllllllaaaaaaa!
0 Something I didn't catch
0 Sanskritch
0 Dockers pants

Ha Ha! Got you again! Or at least I got Alice. I'm sure of that.

Everyone gets the question right except for Steph. Judd takes out Gary's first jug of corn. Lydia takes out Steph's. Danni takes out Steph's second. Cindy hits Gary. Rafe hits Danni. Danni hits Cindy.

The next question involves whether or not the losers in the Maya court ball game were sometimes turned into the ball. Steph first answers true, then looks to see what Judd answered. Seeing that he answered false, she changes her answer. In short, Steph is a moron, because the answer is true. Lydia, Cindy, and Danni get it right. Lydia steps up and takes out a ton of aggression on Steph, dropping her out of the challenge.

Hell hath no fury like a fishmonger scorned.

Steph says that jeolousy will get Lydia nowhere. Lydia says that she is hungry and that Steph has eaten three times. Danni drools at the mention of the word food, then steps up and hits Judd's first jug. Cindy walks to the plate and puts Gary out of the competition.

And, as an aside, is it me, or is Cindy in that small, small minority of Survivor women who get better looking as the show goes on? That puts Cindy in the company of, of, of. Uhm. There has to be someone else - right?

Anyway, Jeff then asks which spiritually important crop did the Gods fashion man from. And no Carey, weed isn't one of the choices. The correct answer is corn, which everyone got but Judd, though Judd did his best to try to cheat off the others. Lydia hits Judd's second pot and Danni follows up by taking Judd out of the game. Cindy takes down Danni's second and Rafe uses the wussiest looking swing ever to knock Danni out. As she sits, Danni says she is joining the loser's lounge, revealing that she watches Celebrity Poker Showdown on Bravo.

Lydia can't be feeling good. Sure, she has all three of her jugs of corn left. But Cindy has two and Rafe three, and you can bet they will be swinging at Lydia. So she needs to get the next five questions right while Cindy and Rafe miss every question. Needless to say, this doesn't happen. Rafe answers a geography question and takes Lydia's first pot out. All three get the next question right, a true or false question which asked if the nearby temples were built with modern machinery. This is, of course, the Survivor equivalent of asking who is buried in Grant's tomb, and, of course, Judd and Steph would have missed it. The one-two punch of Cindy and Rafe take Lydia out of the game, though Lydia gets her last swing, which she uses on Rafe's first jug of corn.

The next question asks if it is true or false that there are 30 volcanos in Guatemala. Rafe says false, Cindy true, Cindy is right. The next question, also true or false, asks if the most active time of day for crocodiles is dawn. Hmm. Wonder if a zoologist can get this one right? She can, and the wilderness guide can't, and Cindy wins reward. Yay! Jump up and down Cindy. Jump up and down! She's given the choice of taking someone with her, and agonizes over it before taking Rafe.

Maybe I'm crazy, but the choice in these situations seems easy and also easy to defend. Pick the person who finished second to you. Doesn't matter who it is - it is a choice that is tough to put strategic implications to by the others not chosen. Pick that person, then walk away in an overhead shot as we break to commercial.

Which I won't summarize. Not going to do it, mainly because I am watching the online podcast of the show and it doesn't have commercials.

We're back, and Steph finally has her Captian Queeg moment. Steph runs down the food others have eaten, and comes to the conclusion that each of them has gotten the same amount of food. Gary points out that the single piece of pizza he got at the group food reward doesn't really compare with what Steph got at that same reward. He points out in confessional that Steph doesn't seem to have lost any weight. Lydia says nothing was personal, to which Judd says everything is personal. In confessional, Lydia says everyone has Steph on a pedastal, and no one is taking her on.

Danni seems none too thrilled with Steph's assessment that everyone has had their fair share of food rewards. And personally, I am none too thrilled that Danni has made the corpse fucking joke so easy.




Meanwhile, at the reward, Rafe and Cindy arrive at the reward site. Rafe says they couldn't decide if they should eat first and then do the massage, or do the massage and eat. They opt to eat, and Rafe toasts the first of many meals at exotic locations together.

See! Even Rafe thinks Cindy is hot!

Oh what a reward. Shrimp. Beef. Mojitos. Fruit. Snarky comments about Gary and Lydia. Rafe says he expels a flood of strategy.

I'll let you make your own joke.

But now it's time for the lagoon. Rafe and Cindy have so much to share. Rafe mentions that he is a touchy-feely person and Cindy isn't and he says it is nice that he got to hold her and help her in the water.

I TOLD YOU EVEN RAFE THINKS CINDY IS HOT!

At the reward, Cindy introduces Rafe to the wonders

of glistening, wet, scrumptious, luscious, oobies.

Rafe returns the favor and introduces Cindy to the wonders of the glory hole.

But now it's massage table time. We see a shot that will soon appear on The Side Boob Hour.


Afterwards, Cindy tells Rafe that it was awesome. It is the first time he has heard a woman say these words to him. Rafe says the reward was so good he is now able to make it the rest of the way. They walk back to camp, both of them with flowers in their hair. Good thing too, because summertime at camp will be a love-in there.

They arrive, and everyone wants details of the reward. Cindy and Rafe downplay it. Nothing special, food not so good, not really a lot of food. Steph wants all details, Lydia doesn't want to hear any of it. In confessional she says that Cindy should have taken her. She then offers Rafe some of her fishwater soup. Rafe pats his belly twice, then holds his hands out, fingertips up, palms out, which we all know is the international symbol for “Thanks – I’m good”.

The new gang of four - Rafe, Judd, Steph, and Cindy - discuss Lydia's status. Steph says Lydia doesn't deserve to be there and she only got there because she was nice. She tells the group that Lydia is dead to her, I mean, Lydia is so no longer a part of their alliance. Steph then complains about the amount of homework Mr. Gothmog assigns and raves that Mrs. Kimmah has smacktabulous hair "for a teacher." On the other hand, Rafe in confessional says the next few days are crucial for Lydia. It will mean the difference between her going really far or her going really soon. So Rafe apparently has plans other than those Steph has made. Hmmm.

And now we are at the mid-show break. Go get something to eat, okay? You're starting to Danni away to nothing.

Okay. Back at camp. Morning again. Cindy makes coffee, and sits around with her alliance of Steph, Judd, and Rafe. They discuss how cool it would be if they were the final four. We see a shot of them atop the pyramid, accompanied by a shot of the three others below. Something seems familiar about this. Hmm. Oh yeah. It’s a repeat of a scene we saw in the Amazon. And like there, we can be pretty certain that this four person group will not be our final four. I bet we lose two of them along the way.

Gary points out the obvious, that the four have the power and that he would rather be in the power group. Once again, he plots with Lydia and Danni, and they discuss bringing Rafe into the group.

Jump cut to the immunity challenge, once again sans treemail. If we had treemail, it would have read

Mental sharpness
Is what this one’s about
Steph and Judd
Might as well sit out

The immunity challenge is another mental challenge. This time, it’s the old standard, Remember the Details of the Story. Jeff begins by telling a story. The survivors then go to one of seven stations where they will find a scrambled question. They need to unscramble an answer the question. The answers are on two boxes – in one box is a flag, in the other a stick. If they answer correctly, they get a flag to put on their pole. If they answer incorrectly, they get a stick that they have to throw into a fire. The first person to get all seven flags on their pole wins immunity. Got it? Okay – it’s Story Time!

The story is about one of the most popular figures in Mayan mythology, Salma Hayek. Sorry. That’s one of the most popular figures in my mythology. One of the most popular figures in Mayan mythology is Celine Dion, aka the moon goddess. She was the creator of Hugo Weaving, and married to a guy who was the creator of the Mayan culture. They had a son, then got three more from Fred MacMurray. The sons played the four corners offense until the shot clock was instituted. But Celine got divorced, and then remarried the earth god, Voltron. Voltron was a transformer who was turned into a god. But Celine was a ho, and she started having an affair with the sun god, cause apparently the gods didn’t do anything except screw around all day, which is good work if you can get it. However, this torked off Celine’s granddad, who started throwing lightning around, killing her, though not so badly that dragonflies couldn’t bring her back to life, and really, if dragonflies can bring you back to life, how dead can you be, and when she came back to life she started hosing the sun god again, and then she got tired of that and began sleeping around with the sun god’s brother, the morning star, and when the sun god asked her about it on Springer she was all “But I love you baby” and he was all “I know you’re fucking around on me” and she was all “No way baby I wouldn’t do that” and he was all “But my brother told me” and she was all “Okay, maybe I’m fucking him, but I love only you baby” and he was like “Talk to the sun hand” and banished her, so now she spends her nights alone cause who wants her when she can’t be trusted not to fuck any god in sight and the sun has a blast all day hanging out in, uhm, himself. The end.

Steph mouths the words along with him, searing the tale into her memory. Or not. Because once the story is finished, Steph, along with Judd, miss the first question she goes to answer. All hail the New Jersey public education system!

Lydia gets her first question, What was Celine Dion’s first album?, right. Gary correctly answers his first question, Where does Celine Dion have a permanent stage show?. Rafe answers What Disney movie is Fred MacMurray most famous for doing?. Other questions are Which movie did not feature Hugo Weaving?, Who invented the four corner offense?, and Does Duke suck?.

And so we are treated to shots of survivors running back and forth from question stations to poles, with Gary and Rafe neck and neck. Neither of them misses a question, but it comes down to the fact that Gary’s last question station is the farthest from the poles, and Rafe’s last question station is close to the polls, and Rafe makes it back first, winning immunity, and guaranteeing Gary’s demise.

Back from break, we get Rafe talking about how no one would ever have thought this little gay Mormon could win three immunities. He adds that growing up he never saw someone who looked and acted gay win immunity. I mean, be athletic and do well in competition.

Judd and Steph are talking about how they have a great alliance and how they have such great trust in each other. Steph in confessional says it’s a dream almost come true, because last time she was so powerless and this time she is so powerful. She thinks it might be too easy.

We then get the obligatory misdirection, as Lydia complains that she is no longer useful and that she will probably be going home tonight. Gary also feels that he is a big enough threat that he will be booted instead of Lydia or Danni. He says that he will attack the next avenue and try to stay around. This involves approaching Rafe, who concedes that he doesn’t really trust Steph, but that he trusts her more than others. We get a storm, what Steph refers to as a Jersey storm, and we get Judd saying that Lydia is lost and needs to go and that Gary is running around like a lunatic trying to put something together.

So cut to tribal council. Jeff brings Jamie and Bobby Jon is as members of the jury. Probst opens with picking at Lydia about the reward challenge. Lydia still has resentment, and she talks about Steph and says Steph is running the camp. Steph doesn’t appreciate this, and says so.

Probst then turns to Gary for his opinion. Gary, knowing he is meat, has apparently decided to go down swinging. First, he makes the observation that there are people in the tribe that are starstruck by Steph and want her autograph, causing an immediate reaction from Bobby Jon and Jamie.

Sorry, wrong pic. That was a shot from when Bobby Jon and Jamie first came into the jury box. Here's the shot of Bobby Jon and Jamie reacting to Gary's comments.

Steph rolls her eyes at this as Probst asks Cindy if she is happy with how she played the game. She says yes. Judd, asked the same question, says he is too. In response to another question, he says he hasn’t lied. He says he is going to start because everyone around him is lying, but that he is in trouble because he is a damned bad liar.

Truer words, never spoken.

But the others laugh, as if they agree. All except Gary. Probst asks Judd to talk about the lies of others, and once again, Judd rails on Gary for lying. This is the third time he’s hit on it, and once again he shows that what he feels is lying is the fact that Gary said he didn’t think Lydia and Cindy deserved to be there (cue shocked reactions from Lydia and Cindy) but then turned around and tried to convince Lydia and Cindy to be in an alliance with him.

You know, it occurs to me that maybe Judd is a bad liar because he doesn’t know what the word means. So, although it is extremely unlikely Judd is reading this, or, in fact, reading anything, let’s go to the dictionary:

Liar: One that tells lies.

Lies: False statements deliberately presented as being true; falsehoods.

There you have it. Considering what Judd is complaining about, Gary hasn’t lied. Which, of course, is incredibly ironic, because Judd is correct, he just doesn’t know it. Yet. Gary is the biggest liar in camp – he’s lied about his name and profession the whole time. He has denied repeatedly being a former NFL quarterback, thus ensuring that he will get at least one whole segment at the upcoming reunion.

And, speaking of the NFL and Survivor, did everyone see the news reports that Jimmy Johnson is such a big Survivor fan that he submitted an audition tape and that CBS seriously considered him, ultimately rejecting him because he worked for another network. This saddens me, because I really would have loved to see how his hair stayed the same even though his body was wasting away. Good times that. Good times.

But I digress.

Gary is as confused about Judd’s statement as I am, and explains, rather accurately, that his statements to Judd about Cindy and Lydia weren’t lies. Gary then takes out a knife, stabs it in Judd’s back, and twists it. He does so by saying “That’s not a lie – this is a lie. The idol is on the ground.” Judd backs down immediately, but the damage is done. Probst asks Gary to elaborate, and Gary does. He tells how Judd told everyone that the idol was on the ground when in fact it was in the trees. Rafe looks stunned and angry, Cindy looks intrigued, Judd looks uncomfortable, and Steph, if people were paying attention, betrays the fact that she knew of the idol location by looking down at her feet. When confronted with the fact that he lied, Judd says “I told you I was a bad liar.”

Truer words, never spoken. Truer words.

Oh well. Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

Six Gary, one Cindy. The only real question was who would get the one, and for some reason Gary sent it Cindy’s way. I don’t really blame him – there is a lot I’d like to send Cindy’s way, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Gary slinks off into the jungle, and Jeff says it is apparent that no one is going down without a fight.

I again think of Cindy.

And so we grab torches and head back to camp. Next time Danni feels pressure, Lydia puts a move on Judd, and the tribe is shocked by something that Rafe says “Is so random!” We fade into the Vegas skyline with Gary telling us that he really is Gary Hogeboom, though why he would want to admit to that is beyond me.

  ¶ 10:54 PM 10 Comments

  Survivor Episode 10: Let the backstabbing begin by: Beannie

And now we begin yet another week of the TV Empire that is Survivor. An empire gone the way of the Mayan Kings. (Did someone use that already? I don't recall but it's obvious, and so probably, and if so, I apologize profusely and give ample credit where due. In fact, I hereby profusely apoligize for any jokes and or references duplicative of the efforts of the Circle Of. And, double in fact, any such duplications are unintentional and are to be viewed as homages to said Circle that I will undoubtedly claim after the fact was the true intent all along.)

Immediately upon viewing this episode, which, if you didn't notice – and you might not have, had you not been tasked with writing the summary thereof - was devoid of any humor whatsoever. I mean, there is only so much mileage one can get out of Lydia crawling through the mud like a piglet looking for home. The family videos episode? Ugh. Gary doesn't even mention the NFL? And I traded for this week! Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by my own pity party – Immediately upon viewing this episode, I needed a good dose of funny, so I turned on a tivo'ed episode of Drawn Together, an animated "reality" show. If you haven't seen this show, please take this quiz to see if you should.

Personality Assessent
I don't like potty jokes and think such humor is unacceptable for anyone over the age of 11.
I am under the age of 18.
I think there are certain things in this world that are beyond reproach and off limits for a laugh.
I have no moral compass of which to speak.
Current results

If you answered "B," you should under NO circumstances watch that show. Come to think of it, you shouldn't be here either! Go do your homework! And if anyone asks, you did NOT learn the term corpse-fucker from us!

All of you who answered "D" may watch. As for the rest of you (minus the minors, who are asked to return sometime between reaching legal maturity and actual maturity), proceed with caution. Ok, now that we have weeded out society's desirables, let's continue, shall we?

I was watching Drawn Together, and fell asleep soon after with a head full of funnies sadly all related to Drawn Together and none to Survivor. But I dreamt, blissfully, of an island inhabited not by the drab and boring creatures charading as entertainment in the form of competitors, but by the colorful and hilarious bunch better known as the Drawn Together cast.

I just knew there HAD to be a way to make this Survivor episode funny. However, I couldn’t just write my dream, right? It had to be at least tangentially related to the Survivor episode. What resulted is my imagination of how Mark Burnett could save this series – replace the entire cast with characters from Drawn Together. Thus, I give you:

Drawn Together: Guatamala



Meet the Cast:

CAPTAIN GARY Playing ex-NFL tackling dummy Gary Hawkins, nee Hogeboom, is our usually good-natured, yet often dim and self-absorbed Captian Hero. The lamest superhero ever playing the lamest Cowboys quarterback ever. Nice fit, dontcha think?





PRINCESS STEPH - Let’s face it, the Stephanie role can be played by none other than Princess Clara, Steph’s animated doppleganger. I’d really call it a draw on who plays the Princess role better. Steph may have all the charm beauty and snobbishness as Clara, and sure, Clara’s a big-time PITA, what with her bullshit “morals” and racist diatribes and all. But Steph has no octipussy. Or does she? Never mind. I don’t think I want to know. But, do you?

So, do you want to know?
Yes, I can't go another day without knowing what lurks in Steph's underpants.
No, and I'll thank you not to bring it up again.
Octopussy? WTF? James Bond is on Survivor?
Current results

SPANKY JUDD - To play the loquacious jackal Judd, there is but one choice: Spanky Hamm, the portly, devilish miscreant with a penchant for porn and public urination.




LYD LYD - Where to cast Ling-Ling became the sticky wicket in all of this, in that none of the Survivors possesses super battle powers or speaks Japanese. However, we did locate one castaway who fit the physical description, right down to the orange skin. But, to be fair to the others, our poor magical trading card monster had to be stripped of his powers. And, thus, I give you Lyd-Lyd.

XANDIR/RAFE - Rafe replaced by Xandir. Need I say more? (ok, if you don't know Xandir, he's "an attractive, young, hairless video game warrior on a never-ending quest to save his "girlfriend." He has plus five sensitivity and his special move is being fabulous!) Besides, how much weirder a name is Xandir than Rafe really? See, isn’t this working out perfectly? (Ok, not so much, read on)



DANNI LOVE - As for the new role for Foxxy Love, there was a tough choice between Danni and Cindy. But seeing as Danni is the producers’ choice for gratuitous butt shots (see: reward challenge sequence below) and tit shots (see: any of Danni's confesssionals), it was a pretty clear call.




CRAZIE JAMIE (aka Testosterone Toot) Jamie was the toughest casting call. But luckily it was a single performance only. Replacing Jamie is the one, the only, Toot Brauenstein. Heh, at least they share a level of paranoia and insanity experienced by only the very few. So, I’ll be referring to him as both Testosterone Toot and/or Crazie Jamie, at my pleasure and whim. Just remember to picture him like this.

Then, I had to decide if Cindy should be played by Wooldoor Sockbat, described as a "wacky, winsome whatchamacallit that is desperate to entertain and desperate to be liked. He can morph, split in two and basically become any profession he needs to be. The one thing he can't become is anybody's friend because he is really freakin' annoying." But seeing as this is my favorite DT character, and I only just learned/realized Ms. Cindy has a bit of a drawl THIS week, I opted to give the honor to our first Jury member, Booby John (thanks, Kim). Come on, the resemblance is uncanny, no?

Well is it or isn't it?
Now that you mention it ...
What kind of drugs are you on?
Whatever drugs you are on, I want the name of your guy.
Current results

CINDY - So, Cindy is just Cindy, filling time just in case the subject of coffee comes up. Not in a product placement kind of way or anything - just, you know, by chance.







So, anyway, through this summary, picture the cast looking like this:



Night 24

After having cast off Booby Jon (I only have to shout out once, right?), the members of the merged tribe now known as Phlegm (which is the only thing I can conger in my mind –and throat - when I try to pronounce “Xhakum”) return from tribal council.

Captain Gary, finder of the hidden immunity idol and the luckiest son-of-a-bitch this side of Amber on All-Stars, is being confronted by Crazie Jamie, the craziest son-of-a-bitch since Robb-with-2-b’s. First, Jamie has to brak (tm Landru) at Cindy about the vote she got from Gary, which apparently did not bother Cindy. But the whole bru-ha-ha about it sure did. Southern women’s drawls are always the sure tell when their pissed.

Crazie Jamie accuses Gary of calling him a liar, which was not at all an accurate reflection of the conversation as it appeared to transpire. The castaways all question Jamie’s sanity. Spanky Judd makes the million dollar observation that “Jamie just says things because he says it” and also believes Jamie is losing it – and not in the good, Tom Cruise/Shelly Long way either.


DAY 25

The survivors are on their way to the reward challenge, and happen upon a field which resembles a post-rainstorm Phish Festival.



It is here that Jeff announces the Reward Challenge will take place. And announce he does:



“And then there were eight. Four men four women. Today’s challenge is for reward. Here’s how it works. You will be divided into two teams, one pair of men, one pair of women on each team. (And It’s here where each survivor prays to their respective higher being not to be on Lyd-Lyd’s team) Each pair will be attached by a rope. Moving one pair at a time, you will race through a deep mud pit, as well as a series of obstacles. You’ll go over the first obstacle, under the second, over the third obstacle. At the end, you’ll find pots filled with corn . Grab a pot and head back over the same obstacles. One you make it back to your mat, empty your corn into your finish pot while the other pair heads out. The first tribe (oopsie!) to fill their pot to the white line, wins reward. (emphsis in original)

Ver-fucking-batim. I’d swear he was announcing the invasion of Baghdad. Does he understand this is an hour long show? He either takes himself way too seriously or realizes his show is merely a joke of the former joke if a once great show it once was.

The reward? A helicopter ride to a private home where they will enjoy a shower (I would hope so), laundry, pj’s and wake to the aroma of a hot steaming pot of Folger’s coffee. What the Fuck? Folgers? is not coffee. A pale, weak poseur imitation of coffee, perhaps, but NOT coffee. It’s the shit you drink on your camping trip because you forgot to bring the grinder for your whole bean blend. This is a reward how? And just when you thought it couldn’t get crueler, there is no mention of food! Lord, how I hope the family that puts them up gets to eat a five course meal in front of them and they get nothing. I’m evil that way, and don’t pretend you’re not.

The teams are divided:

Spanky/Xandir/Cindy/Lyd-Lyd

versus

Captain Gary/Crazie Jamie/Danny Love/Princess Steph

And they’re off. It takes all of two seconds for the contestants to get covered head to toe in mud and, more than likely, other and sundry natural mud-like deposits found in the midst of the animal kingdom. Mmmm. Ok, so I take back my no food comment. Plenty of organic "food" in there.

What ensues is a montage of eight survivor contestant reconsidering what a million dollars (after taxes) is really worth as they slosh through the mud tied to a competitor whose throat they would likely slit for that said mil. And numerous gratuitous butt shots of Danni Love. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And a bunck of brackity-brak-brak (tm Landru) from Jeff telling us exactly what we are seeing. At some point, Jeff indicates strategy was coming into play. What, they survivors realized they had to get done first? Run through mud and over and under posts, get corn pot, run through mud and over and under posts, don’t spill the corn, get done first. Oh, so THIS is where the outwit part comes in.

First the men and the dynamic duo of Captain Gary and Spanky quickly fall behind The lithe Xandir and Testosterone Toot. The lady and the tramp (you get to choose who is who) hand off a sizable lead to Lyd Lyd & “Cindy.” But how completely unfair to “Cindy”. It’s like asking a Dad to 3-legged race with his 6 year old son at the family reunion. They were doomed from the start – or at least as soon as Lyd-Lyd decided it was time for some yoga in the form of downward facing dog in mud. Princess Steph and Danni Love, arguably stronger than their male teammates – aging NFL-never-was and city boy with a penchant for twinkies – bring it home for their team.

As the testoterone surges, Crazie Jamie insists to Cindy and her dead weight that they’re not going to let a little thing like the competition being OVER stop them. “We’re still gonna finish. We’re still gonna finish. Let’s go! It’s worth doing right if we’re gonna do it” Cindy’s drawl gets more pronounced.

An incredibly muddy helicopter ride, Danni's expressed fear of the mirror and Steph's royal proclaimation of “best.day.ever” later, the fantasic four touch down at Louie’s Place. Poor Louie. I sure hope he didn't get sucked into this without mucho dinero in compensation. I am certain these filthy, terra-cotta caked beings gave Louie a whole new impression of the word “ugly Americans.”

The first thing they see is food. Ah, but of course, what’s Survivor without buffet table chock full of exotic food. This is the outlast part. Although I can’t say I’m sorry Danni is getting some calories into her.

Showers are had by all. (Ok, so Jaime wasn't really there, but the picture was too good to pass up) Judd decides to shower as it is supposed to be done – naked. Thankfully, the editors blurred Spanky's spanker and instead concentrated on additional gratuitous Danni Love butt shots.

Princess Steph narrates this winners’ excursion by expounding on the virtues of her new “cool kids clique” and how they are they best foursome to enjoy the reward together – She and Danni are quite alike, seeing as they both are all that and a bag of chips. Gary is an awesome, genuine guy and she has been best buds with Judd since day one. Chill, Stephie, it's like I'm, like, reading a page from your, like, junior high diary. Steph and Danni Love get closer than any of us thought they would.


Back at camp with the losers:

Lyd Lyd feels bad about dragging her team down. Xandir tries to provide comfort but can’t help expressing regret at the loss of the helicopter ride. No one else says a thing as they suppress the urge to smother Lyd Lyd and her sorry ass with screaming monkey scat. (that would be the monkey screaming, not the scat. Although the latter interpretation is an interesting concept.)

Crazy Jamie corners Xandir and wants to make a final 3 pact with Spanky as the 3rd. Xandir sputters, hems and haws before saying he can't swear to something he hasn't had a chance to think about it. Jamie leaves the conversation emphatically stating he just has to make at least Top 6.

Xandir waxes poetic about how Jamie is paranoid, freaked out and losing it.

Note to Jamie – Survivor Rule #1 - just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Back at Camp Louie, they are all in matching jammies which Danni asserts makes her reminicent of family chiristmas. Ok, now matching Christmas Day outfit, maybe, if you're getting a portrriat taken. Or perhaps color coordinated efforts, but matching pjs for the whole family? And I though my my family had issues.

Captain Gary, with his full command of the obvious, realizes it's now or never to make inroads with her high-and-mightyness and her best bud, Spanky Judd. Mr. Sunshine refuses to let the odds get him down. He's just gotta try. Does this guy have an expression other than competition-man and happy dumb cow? (Seriously, though, props for actually playing, you big oaf.)

Gary broaches the subject (about as gently as my obgyn broaches me twice a year) by saying out of the blue: “Let me just ask you a question. Are you guys totally happy with what you’ve got right now?” Gary wants the strongest four in the final four. Wants to win against the best. Funny how it’s always just the biggest physical threat and thus next target who say this. All agree, at least to each other's faces, that they don't want Cindy or Lyd Lyd to win and that both would if they made F2.

Princess Steph likes the idea, but has a pretty good thing going. My, what a difference a year and the apparent lifting of the ancient voodoo curse can do. Purely hypothetically, Steph asks who Gary and Danni would they vote out if they could. The hypothetical answer is Jamie, of course.

Spanky says bonding is nice, but it won’t spoil his game plan. It can tear at your heartstrings. Getting rid of Gary and Danni is going to be tough, but it’s the game.

Note to Spanky: Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

Danni has nothing of value to say. But she looks loverly in her pjs.

Somehow, Gary ends up in the big bed with the ladies of this evening and Spanky is left with the floor. Finally, one of the locker-room stories Gary told has come true – at least sort of.

(This would be the other one.)


DAY 26

The fantastic four wake to the smell of a steaming hot pile of shit known as Folgers, then Louie surprises them with – brace yourself and get the barf bag – family videos.

I summarize because I must:

Tears and hugs all around. Steph would give back the whole rest of the reward just to have gotten the videos.

Note to MB: Save yourself the cash next time.

Whaddaya kow? Spanky Judd has a wife and kid. A hot wife and a nice house. Who’da thunk it? Not I. His brother has a T-Bone and a cold beer waiting for him. Ah, now that’s the Spanky we know and, well, know.

Danni Love’s mom introduces herself like my college roommate mom would. (“Hello. This is Marcia McFeely. Is Janice McFeely, my daughter, there?” Twice a week for 4 fucking years this went on.) Danni’s video consists of the two most important men in her life – her talking dogs.

Steph had about 300 relatives in her video and an annoying scene-stealing nephew who reminds me of every kid you want to bop in the head because he thinks he’s adorable but he is not – so not.

Gary’s daughters try to make him laugh, but only succeed in making him bawl, a lot.


The squeaky clean castaways then return to the depths of hell camp with a gift for their dirty compatriots. A basket full of Folgers “coffee.” “Cindy” speaks yet again. (Face time spike warning!) It could have been cookies or rolls or 2 weeks worth of MREs. But it's COFFEE! She fucking loves coffee. Or so she says. Personally, I think she's the mole. Any self-respecting coffee drinker I know would spit downward and askance at the mention of the “F” word, even after 26 days on a “deserted” island.

Spanky is growing increasingly worried about Jamie's baseless paranoia, so he stutters a lie to Jamie that there was no strategy talk at Camp Louie and he would never lie to him. Judd? is a really shitty liar. He doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. Judd, baby, less is more. The less you talk, the more I can resist hating you. Because I am really close. If'n you can learn to lie, I might enjoy you more. But for know, you just plumb rub me the wrong way, k? Consider yourself on notice.

DAY 27

Immunity challenge

Attached to one long rope, threaded through 3 obstacles. Crawl over under and maneuver around while racing through. First 4 go to round 2, which is more of the same but 3 levels high. *Yawn*

Judd, Danni and Lyd Lyd are out of it from the git-go. Judd pretends not to have given up, but it’s painfully obvious as he is sitting on the very first bar of the first obstacle and even Lyd Lyd is beating him.

Jamie across, then Xandir, then Princess Steph. It’s between Cindy and Gary for the final spot. Gary shows us exactly how good a Cowboy he really is, lassoing himself out of the finals as Cindy sneaks in.

Final round: It’s Xandir and Cindy all the way, Cindy looking impressive and strong. But it’s Xandir who wins, painting a Walmart-sized target on his back. At least he is smart enough to realize winning 2 of 3 individual immunities and being 2nd in the other could be construed as a bit threatening to his competition. So smart enough, but perhaps the brain cells kicked in one challenge too late. Look for fake falling on ass stunt in next challenge.

Upon return to camp, Gary is frustrated about losing the challenge, but since he gave it his all and went out fighting, he’s giving himself a gold star anyway.

Jamie sidles up to Judd to make sure he’s sticking to the six. Judd finds the paranoia bewildering because Jaime is at most going to get one vote. Psst Judd – Remember what I said about your chickens?

Crazie Jamie asks if Cindy is sticking to the six. Cindy is getting fed up.

Crazie Jamie asks Xandir if he wants to play Mancala. Yes, that’s code. He’s nervous, wants assurances Xandir is sticking to the six. He’s worried they won’t stick with the six. They are sticking to the six, right? Xandir swears for the last time his isn’t voting for him tonight, but if he asks again he might. At which moment, Testosterone Toot exclaims “I'm not going to kill you. I am just going to murder you.”
Either Crazie Jamie badly needs a thesaurus or he is specifically planning an intentional, as opposed to accidental, slaying.

Aside to Rafe: I think he means it.

Xandir and Lyd Lyd pow wow. Xandir is fed the fuck up with Crazie Jamie and his “sticking with the six.” What about booting him now? Lyd Lyd is wary. Steph joins them and says Gary is a smooth operator. Then they all settle on “I will if you will.” This? is what we call “F2 plausible deniability” folks. “What? My idea to boot you? No, it was a group decision. I don't remember who first brought it up.”

Tribal Council is upon us

Booby Jon, aka Wooldoor, sure cleans up nice and looks fucking tickled pink to be on the jury – his lifelong dream accomplished. Which makes me wonder since when did they start letting 5 year olds compete?

Princess Steph is enjoying the bonding of girl scout camp the cut-throat game of Survivor.

As usual, Judd has diarreha of the mouth at tribal council. He looks up to Gary. Wants to be a man like him. A man’s man. Gives him nothing but the utmost respect. Which is why this is such a difficult vote. Way to play it close to the vest. STFU already.

Jamie has a moment of self-clarity and admits the game and the jungle can make you go insane. Knowing nods from Steph and Danni – but that's out of sympathy, not self-identification. Cool chicks don't go nuts.

Gary thinks the most important quality in any survivial situation is a positive attitude. He tries to be upbeat. What happens happens. Ah, the life of the ex-NFL zen master.

Note to Gary: You are a boring sack of ever-hopeful dung.

Time to vote:

Shown: Jamie/Judd voting for Gary and Gary voting for Jamie. No one has a mean word to say. In fact, Gary wants Jamie on his team any day of the year. That would explain his illustrious sports career, now doesn't it?

Jeff reads the votes:
Gary
Gary
Jamie
Jamie
(Have I mentioned how much better I prefer watching this show unspoiled? Couldn't you feel the excitement mounting? I could. (then I told the hubby to wait until the show was over)
Jamie
(Judd starts to squirm)
Jamie
(Judd rubs his hands on his face and licks his lips like a heroin addict coming off his trip)
The 10th person voted off and the second member of the jury:
Jamie

The ritual torch snuff takes place and Crazie Jamie goes out ablaze: “Blindsided! Nice! Now that's how you vote somebody out!

Jeff's words of wisdom to the remaining survivors: Listen to Jamie – backstab, lie, cheat, steal. Our ratings depend upon it.



Next week on Survivor: Judd reels, tempers flare and Princess Steph's power trip finally hits overdrive.

Quality Assurance Poll:

How did you like this summary?
It sucked, thank you for the opportunity to say to anonymously.
It sucked, but not that bad, and the pictures are cool.
I didn’t read it, I just scrolled down to see if there were comments.
Eh, it was ok, fair-to-middling, or somewhat acceptable.
We love you no matter what, Beannie. (diplomatic answer)
It was a good 25 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Not a value assessment, just a factual statement.
Current results

  ¶ 4:20 PM 5 Comments

  Survivor Episode Nine: Is That An Immunity Idol in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy To Be Here? by Kimmah

Gather ‘round, kids, it’s storytime. Once upon a time there was a new and exciting show called Survivor where contestants were placed in difficult situations, faced with tough physical challenges, and had to resort to eating rats. Many years passed and the show went through many different chapters, some of which were so unpleasant that we cannot even mention them by name. There were a few good guys, some bad guys and a whole boatload of really pathetically shitty characters that defy any literary pigeonhole. The faithful kept tuning in each fall and winter, eagerly awaiting the next chapter of this reality novel, but one day even the most generous fans of the series started wishing that all the characters would be enveloped by molten lava or eaten by crocs and it was then, my children, that Survivor became the stuff that only the truly fearless could still approach and try to dissect—rather like Beckett or Nietzsche, only without the air of literary snobbery. I, of course, am one of them and thus, am forced to try to make some sort of sense out of the general dumbassedness that is the case of Survivor: Guatemala, The Mayan Empire Doesn’t Strike Back Quickly Enough. As my subject matter is so limited, I am forced, albeit not unwillingly, to resort to using foul language and other sundry unpleasantries when telling this tale, so at this point, children should stop reading. I’ve got an image to protect, after all.

The characters, whom you are more than familiar with, are all part of one big happy tribe that I will call Xanadu because frankly, I can’t spell or pronounce the other ungodly bastardazation that they created on their own. Why, why, why does EMB still let them do this? Who thinks that these tribal names are cute or creative or even remotely interesting? It’s like an exercise that I would use in my 12th grade English class….wait a minute, I DO use this exercise in my 12th grade English class. And my kids end up with team names like KaDunkADunk and Froot Loopians, which aren’t that much different than Xanadu when you get right down to it.

What was my point? Oh, yeah, the competitors are all on one big happy team, only of course, they aren’t. There is a clear division between the Old Blues and the Old Yellers (again, I’m terrible with the tribe names this time around). They’ve split into factions—one group of six and the other is a measly three. Can you say Pagong? Why yes, yes you can. Last week the Old Yellers voted out Old McBrandon the farmer from Kansas who was actually starting to grow on me in a non-fungal sort of way. This was certain doom for poor Brandon. Now this leaves the Old Blues team with only Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou, DanniManny, and Booby Jon: not exactly what I would call a brain trust, so the chances of a turn around are slim, but I’ve been wrong. Once. I think. The Old Yellers have the god awful JuddtheHellUp, Lydia-Who-Looks-So-Much-Like-An-Oompa-Loompa-I-Can-Barely-Acknowledge-Her-Presence, TnJamie (if you have not read my local newspaper’s message board, then Jamie’s name will make no sense to you, but trust me on this one—it’s perfectly perfect in every perfect way and essentially translates to asshole. Just ask TJ or Mog), CindyLouWHO?, StephAnnoysMe, and RafeisSafe.

XANADU Night 21

TnJamie and Booby Jon argue about who has class and who doesn’t. This leads TnJamie to deduce that BJ thinks he is white trash. DING, DING, DING! There are only a few Southernisms that TnJamie and Bj fling about that I understand, but this one? I know and yes, TnJamie, you are certainly white trash by pretty much every definition of it and then some. JuddtheHellUp and RafeisSafe intervene and try to play peacemaker, and this totally annoys me because I would really like nothing more than to see these two goombas beat the ever loving shit out of each other in night vision, but sadly, it’s not to be. JuddtheHellUp encourages TnJamie not to “go to bed angry” which is sort of an alarming statement to me. See, here down South, we use that phrase to mean that one shouldn’t go to bed “with” someone as in “with” winkwink, but maybe that’s one of those idioms that loses something in the translation being as JuddtheHellUp is a Yankee and all…or maybe TnJamie and Booby Jon have been reliving some Deliverance moments out behind the shelter. Who knows. I’m sure as hell not going to let my mind wander there any further. At some point, after much belaboring of many white trash and classless points and TnJamie whining that his heart had been broken by Booby Jon (I’m thinking that maybe there really is something more to their relationship the more I type), they finally agree to suck each…I mean shake hands and make out, er up and things are all peachy in Xanadu. Yeah, right.

XANADU Day 22

That scary small woman is cooking breakfast and it is…CORN! Woohoooo! More corn. You know that they have to be so sick of corn that they could just puke and JuddtheHellUp basically says as much as he turns down breakfast (in hindsight, he could have used every little bit food in his stomach to absorb some of that alchohol he guzzled later, but hindsight is 20/20, right?) Based on past Survivors, I half expect Jeffy to pop out of the jungle and give them a surprise buffet breakfast because these guys have been rather scant in the food department. No one is even gaining weight—what a concept. He doesn’t, though, so instead, we’re just treated to more ‘round the camp moaning and bitching about the food and then Old Yeller pats themselves on the back as they gloat about being in the majority. Ah, hubris. Always fun. Too damn bad that there is not a damn thing the Timid Trio can do about it. StephAnnoysMe is particularly bitchy and I want to smack her.

The idol is the center of attention, as well it should be. DanniManny and Booby are all a twitter about finding it. In a deep and insightful moment, Booby Jon tells us that he needs to find the idol. Um, hello Captain Obvious. You think??? Really? You’re one of three against six and you think you might need to find immunity. I’ll be dayumed. He and DanniManny wander around the woods looking for it using the oh-so-helpful clue “it is visible” and, I know you’re surprised, they don’t find it. Hard to believe, isn’t it?

Meanwhile Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou? is also looking for the idol. He regales us with a story about what a fantabulous football player he was back in the day and how he once threw for like 2,000 yards in one quarter to bring his team back from certain defeat at the hands of the Nashville Pop Warner Champions of 1985 and how he will approach this game the same way. Yada, yada, whatthefuckever, Gary. I, like the vast majority of people around the world, have never heard of him until this show and have no clue about anything that he ever accomplished in the game of football, so I checked into this little factoid of his. From what I can gather, and I could be wrong, he did throw for gobzillion yards in a game against Detroit once upon a time, but? He lost the game. Ooopsey. Stoopid facts.

Thankfully, we are spared from watching the rest of the damned tribe wander around the woods and hunt for a six-inch hunk of clay in the middle of the jungle (next season: the Survivors have to watch for hidden messages to appear as paint dries) and the splintered pack heads off to a reward challenge. This challenge involves throwing DanniManny as far as they can toward a large stake in the center of a volcano. /end dream. Okay, so they are using some indigenous Mayan tool that looks suspiciously like a gigantic crochet hook to fling arrows at a stake that looks like a croquet pole-thingy only without the stripes that is in the middle of a bunch of circles, sort of like a bullseye.

The reward is food, naturally, because I’ve just pondered how poorly they’ve been eating. But, because this is Survivor, Jiffy won’t just give ONE person food, oh-no-sirree-Bob. He’s going to give them ALL food, but some of it is just going to suck. The winner of the challenge gets the best meal—steak and lobster (what would a vegetarian do?). The loser gets the worst meal, presumably shit on a cracker and a glass of blood, but Jiffy keeps us in suspense as only he can. Instead of letting the winner be a complete asshole and assign the meals to the others and paint a big ol’ target on his/her back, this time, the meals are determined by the finishing place in the contest. I think this sucks. I like seeing the winner get fucked over on his own reward, but I’m a bitch that way.

The incredibly slow process of watching all nine of these fuckwits crochet an arrow at a croquet pole-thingy begins. This is a challenge that I would have enjoyed much more when they were down to say, five people or so. Nine of ANYTHING is too much to sit through. Thank God for fast forward. JuddtheHellUp flings first and, because the food gods are smiling on him, he makes a good throw. StephAnnoysMe is impressed and visibly worried. I want to smack her. Booby goes next and he is just pathetic, but what can you expect from an Alabama boy? They all suck. RafeisSafe is next and he harbors no illusions about winning—he’s just hoping to be in the middle somewhere (I could make a really inappropriate comment about him, Booby Jon and TnJamie about right now, but I won’t because I’m better than that). He gets his wish. A blonde girl comes up to throw next…oh, it’s CindyLouWho? She gives the crochet hook a mighty heave and comes sooo very close to beating Judd, but she doesn’t, so she’s back to being no one again. Up next is Lydia-Loompa who sucks so incredibly badly at this event that Booby Jon nearly throws her to the ground and gives her a thank-you fuck right there in the middle of the dirt for saving him from complete and total disgrace. I think she might have thrown it about 2 feet 3 inches. Maybe. DanniManny is next and, in no surprise to anyone, she is more of a man than Rafe is and ends up in third. Then Gary comes along and he manages to out throw Rafe, too, but he doesn’t win despite what the commercial tried to make all the uninformed Survivor watchers think. Just when I’m about to slip into a g.d. coma from the sheer monotony of it all, TnJamie steps up and does his deal with the arrow and ends up in fourth. Instead of taking his place and pointing and jeering at Booby as any true man of the South would do, he asks Jeff if he can forfeit his place in line, put on a hair shirt, lash himself with a cat-o-nine-tails and drink tobasco sauce for being such a complete ass at the Pot-on-Your-Head challenge the day before. I’m sure that in his own head TnJamie thought he sounded sincere, but to the rest of the free world, he sounded like a whiney-ass, twangy Eddie Haskell. Jeff lets him bump to the end and TnJamie is relegated to the shit on a cracker spot and everyone applauds him like he’s the frigging Pope or something. He makes some yappy comment about them all being part of one world, one peace or some such nonsense that no one other than Booby Jon believes and Jeff rubs his face all in the fact that he’s given up good food to eat crap.

This is where the commercials happen, but unlike some of those other writers who are able to actually watch them, I spend commercial breaks running after my children and/or going to the bathroom and generally avoiding crisis. This particular commercial break was the time when I had to go brush teeth for the two small children and then force the smallest child to gargle with his fluoride rinse. FYI, that would be a great Survivor challenge because five-year-olds don’t really much care for that stuff and it’s rather like making a cat take medicine. This takes up the entire break.

And fin.al.ly they got to dinner. They are taken to a traditional Mayan resort where tables are decked out with all sorts of hoopty-do. Judd is given his own special little table, where we all know he will not be dining alone. No way, but we play along. Jiffy announces the food and points out that the dogs that are wandering around live there, so they aren’t part of the reward, which sort of disappointed me in a really macabre sort of way.

The Rewards

Judd: steak and lobster and an open bar
Cindy: chicken and veggies and white wine
Danni: Spaghetti and red wine
Steph: Burger and beer
Gary: One tiny piece of pizza and a Coke
Rafe: Ham and cheese sandwich and milk (gag!!)
Bobby Jon: Baked potato and ice water
Lydia: Fish and water
Jamie: Ramone nuts and brown water that’s been boiled, but is still nasty looking

Then, because it’s Survivor and JuddtheHellUp is sitting at that table with plenty of extra room, Jeffy tells him that he can invite two people to sit with him and share his open bar and food and a dessert menu choice. His first choice was a bit surprising—instead of the obvious TnJamie, he picked Booby Jon. TnJamie was visibly disappointed, but really, who the fuck would pick someone with a bowl of funky nuts to share a meal with? JuddtheHellUp is dumb as a log, but he’s a big guy who knows his food and a baked potato is the obvious choice to go with steak and lobster. Duh. I’m secretly hoping he will pick Lydia-Loompa because I think she would be a funny drunk, but instead JuddtheHellUp picks StephAnnoysMe who is near tears as she waits to hear her name called. You’d have thought it was the effing Miss America pageant to see the tension on her face as she waited for JuddtheHellUp to blather on with his intro before he finally just said her damn name.

The meal drags on just like everything else on this damn show and JuddtheHellUp gets shitfaced drunk and takes Booby Jon along for the ride while Gary WhotheHellAreYou gets more and more annoyed as he watches the frivolity and makes JuddtheHellUp and Co. feel guilty, so they just get drunker and drunker, swilling vodka and cranberry juice—light on the cranberry juice.

Back at camp, JuddtheHellUp is a big drunken glob who is tripping and falling all over the place and the rest of the tribe sits back and watches him because, really, what could they do? He’s three times the size of the rest of them and ten times as loud. He confesses to Booby Jon that he loves him, “like a fat kids loves cake” which makes TnJamie’s ears perk up considerably and leads Booby to smirk around his giant cigar that he’s puffing on ifyouknowwhatImean. Then Booby Jon finally does something that I recognize as truly Southern. He decides that he needs to burn a giant “stump” which in reality is a 45-foot tree. This is what drunk Southern men do—they play with fire and they burn large pieces of wood. Bonfires, campfires, brushfires. This? is Southern. All that other crapola that TnJamie and Booby Jon were yammering about when they were bumping chests and mumbling unintelligibly were regional, but alcohol + fire + large pieces of wood? That’s universally Southern. If only they’d had a potato gun, it would have been like our last cookout, but I digress.

XANADU Day 23

The drunks slept and have now risen from the funk to face the day. JuddtheHellUp was a messy drunk—who would have ever thought that he might be a puker after all that beer and vodka? What a putz. He puked in the shelter, which must have smelled vile beyond words since he’d eaten steak and lobster and God-knows-what for dessert. He tries to deny the in-shelter-vomiting, but the evidence is there (and we are forced to see it) and he can’t lie his way out of that one, so he just comes back with the ever-so-quick-witted “Oh”.

I neglected to mention part of the reward challenge earlier, so this is as good a place as any to mention it. The winner of the flinging, JuddtheHellUp, was given a clue to the location of the Hidden Immunity Idol. By “clue to the location”, though, they mean very vague idea of a boundaryish sort of place to look. It’s not like it said “Go 10 paces past the big ass stump”. The clue essentially says that the idol is not on the ground. Judd is the worst secret keeper in the history of secrets, so he immediately goes to tell StephAnnoysMe. He says it’s because he can’t keep a secret, but I actually think it was because he couldn’t figure out the nursery rhyme clue that he was given. He reads it to her in his singsong Yankee accent and she instantly tells him that it isn’t on the ground and you can almost hear the wheels spinning in his head and the lightbulb coming on. Then, because he’s not drawn enough attention to himself sitting there reading frigging poetry to StephAnnoysMe, he stumbles down to the rest of the tribe and tells them that the clue says the idol is “most definitely, really, positively, surely on the ground, really man, no doubt about it, it’s on the ground. Absolutely.” Incredibly, they appear to believe him. Do none of them have children? JuddtheHellUp breaks every rule of effective lie-telling in the book and they all sit there with goofy grins on their faces and thank him for sharing his information with them. Dumbasses deserve to be wandering around looking at their feet for the next three days.

More commercials, which means that I have to go find the child that has escaped from his bed and put him back and then go tuck the other one in and do his dream ritual which seems to be longer on Thursdays than any other day of the week. Naturally, as soon as I walk out of the room, one of them has to pee, so we’re off to the bathroom and then back and have to repeat the tucking process. It never fails. By then, we’re back from commercials and…

This is where I get a little bit lost because I find it so hard to believe that there are actually people that are this stupid who walk around and function in the real world, but evidently TnJamie is just that fucking dumb and, poor thing, he’s not even good looking. Dumb and ugly as a mud fence. He’s from Georgia, though, so I don’t know why I expected more. Anyway, he and RafeisSafe have some ego-stroking moment where they assure each other that they haven’t strayed from their plans and then TnJamie goes and has a conversation with Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou that he gets totally and completely twisted around. There are those in the land of Survivor analysis who think that TnJamie was just playing the game, but I don’t think so. I think the poor dumb mofo just didn’t have a damn clue what Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou was saying to him because he used big words and no drawl and didn’t slap him on the ass or bump chests with him. Essentially, Gary told him that he, Gary, would vote for whomever the Old Yellers told him to including Booby Jon, since that’s who TnJamie said was the next to go. Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou should have spent some of those NFL dollars on some orthodontia to clear up that underbite and make his speech a little bit clearer and MAYBE TnJamie wouldn’t have been so totally bumfuzzled when Gary spoke in low, mumbly tones. I don’t know how it got so totally and completely clusterfucked, but it did and TnJamie went running to StephAnnoysMe instantly to tell her that Gary WhotheFuckDoesHeThinkHeIs said he was going to vote for TnJamie. Now, StephAnnoysMe is sort of a bonehead at times, but she is generally a pretty levelheaded player in times of calm and why in the hell she listened to Mr. Rocks for Brains, I cannot even imagine, but she did and didn’t tell him that he was insane. She then reveals in her interview that she thinks TnJamie is a little bit whacked in the head (uh, duh) and that she can’t trust him.

Tree mail comes

Walk the Line- it’s a really cool movie
Watching it would really be groovy.
Instead you’re stuck here to walk on a rail.
You know you could go if you should fail.

The always-quick tribers figure out that this challenge doesn’t appear to involve fighting, much to my dismay, and seems to involve walking on balance beams. People begin to practice—there is a definite relationship to the amount of practice and the place in the pecking order. Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou and DanniManny are like little ants going back and forth and back and forth on the edge of the ruins. Meanwhile, TnJamie wanders around in his mind and pretends that Gary said he was going to vote against Jamie. Lydia-Loompa tells Jamie he’s a dumbass. I like her a little bit more.

The challenge is a series of balance beams. All nine of them start out on beams in Phase 1 and have to untie two planks as they make their way across the beam. Then, in Phase 2, they have to use the planks to cross a rope bridge. Then, in Phase 134, the final 2 walk across a rope bridge to the finish line. As I’m looking at this, I’m thinking that the final leg looks to be the easiest by far and I’m also wondering how long it actually takes Jiffy to explain these multi-stage challenges to them in real time. You know that he doesn’t just rattle off the rules in 30 seconds or less to someone like TnJamie who still thinks Gary is going to vote for him. I can only imagine how painful that process must be.

“Jeff, how many people start off the race?”

“Nine, Jamie.”

“How do we figure out who gets to go first?”

“You all start at the same time.”

“But who gets to go first?”

“Jamie, when I say ‘Go!’, you’ll all start at the same time.”

“Oh, okay. I see. But how do we get to pick which four get to do the next round first?”

“The winners of the balance beam race are the only ones who get to do the plank bridge.”

“What’s the balance beam race?”

And people wonder why Jeffy might be considering giving up his job. Heh.

The challenge begins. As challenges go, this one is medium hard and medium entertaining. It’s still nine frigging people, so it’s hard to get too excited about it, but since they’ve been prone to making them stand on poles at this stage in the past, I’m not going to complain too much. Also, the weeding out is a good thing, but I’d like to have the ability for the audience to pick and choose, sort of like American Idol. I think that would make it much more interesting, but no one asked me. When Jiffy says the now familiar, “Survivors Ready, GO!” and, they actually all go, but not with the same measure of success. I have to stop here, though, and ask what in the world is Jeff doing with his arms when he says go? Has anyone every really watched this? It’s like he’s trying to make a turn signal (I never did learn whether it was left or right that you put your arm up) or hail a cab or something, but it in no way indicates “go” to me whatsoever.

They streak out across the beams at a rate of about 1 inch per minute. Blazing. They are faced almost instantly with a plank that they have to untie, so we get lots of tight shots of Surivivors struggling with knots because we know it ain’t a challenge unless there’s a knot. TnJamie chooses to tackle the beam with his crotch and I’ll just leave it at that. StephAnnoysMe ends up tackling the beam with her chest, shoulder and almost her face, but instead puts her face on the ground and has to go back and start again. The others make adequate forward progress (AFP in educational lingo) as Jeff tells us in ridiculously minute detail, which includes using the word “scooch” to describe RafeisSafe’s method of crossing the beam with his crotch. Booby falls off and goes back. JuddtheHell’s toe touches the ground and has to go back . Finally, Steph makes it across followed by Gary, Jamie and Rafe.

Phase 2, the planks of death. In this leg of the race, height is a disadvantage evidently because Gary sucks at it. He looks like Bambi on the ice as he tries to make his way across and never really gets a rhythm. Rafe, on the other hand, fairly flies across the bridge followed by Jamie and then Steph, but only two can advance, so Steph is booted out and the final two are Rafe and Jamie. I have to admit, I wouldn’t have picked these two as my final two—neither of them look as if they would be able to balance on a sidewalk, much less a balance beam, so I’m duly impressed.

Phase 3 is the rope bridge that I thought looked fairly easy—certainly easier than Phase 2. It is this phase that brings us to the ultimate Survivor cinematography moment of the year.





A picture is worth 1,000 words, so I’ll spare you the details of how Jamie smoked Rafe on this one and ended up winning. Just look at the picture and laugh some—it and Stephanie nearly crushing her rib cage were the only glee to be found in this challenge.

More commercials—this means it’s time to send the oldest kid to the showers. He’s 12. You can imagine how excited he is about this prospect.

Back at camp, TnJamie is still living in Delusion Land where people with terrible underbites speak in tongues and he convinces StephAnnoysMe that Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou should go next. StephAnnoysMe is very Sandraesque and essentially doesn’t care who it is as long as it isn’t her—let TnJamie be the “brains” of the operation and do the dirty work. She does reveal that she would have liked to have chucked TnJamie had he not won immunity, which makes me like her a teensy bit more. The Old Yellers plot out Gary’s demise and talk on and on and on about what a threat Gary is, how the game is going according to plan, etc. This is like a gigantic red flag and neon arrow alerting us that Gary ain’t going anywhere this week. All you fans of supposedly-once-famousNFL-“quarterbacks” with serious orthodontia issues can breathe a sigh of relief.

Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou pulls StephAnnoysMe over to the side and point blank asks her if he is the one that they are going to send home and she, like JuddtheHellUp is a terrible liar. She tells him no. Now Gary seemed to believe JuddtheHellUp about the clue, but he’s not as sold on StephAnnoysMe’s assertion that he’s not going home tonight, although he plays along with her. As soon as they part, he confesses that he really needs the Hidden Immunity Idol and begins searching for it all over again.

Booby Jon decides that he better go and try to save his sorry ass since, well, he’s screwed. He approaches TnJamie and JuddtheHellUp and tries to suggest to them that they vote out Gary StephAnnoysMe? The hell? Why he thinks they are going to turn on someone whose ass they are so far up they can’t see straight, I can’t even imagine, but he throws out this idea to them. He makes a fair argument, but of course, they aren’t about to kick out their sure-thing vote, so Booby Jon is basically talking to himself, which is probably what he does a great deal of the time. They do tell him that he is not the one going home tonight, so he feels a little bit better.

Cut to Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou spying on JuddtheHellUp as he looks for the Hidden Immunity Idol. The fatal flaw in Judd’s lie, of course, was that he has to look for the immunity idol, too, and if he’s looking UP, then people are going to wonder why he told them it was on the ground, which is exactly what Gary does (although I have my doubts that Jamie would have ever caught on in a similar situation). I have to admit that I found myself liking Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou a bit more after this one. I also enjoyed JuddtheHellUp looking up at the trees like he thought they were going to speak to him. He could have been out there every day for the next five years and that dumb galoot wouldn’t have found the idol even if it was flashing neon and under the Star of Bethlehem.

StephAnnoysMe and RafeisSafe discuss the fact that Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou is out searching for the idol and that it would be “amazing” if he actually managed to find it. /end obvious clues that GARY IS NOT GOING HOME!!!!!

WHAM! We’re at TC and Jeff starts in with his questions. Blah, blah, Do you feel threatened by my mere presence, blah blah, who is this blonde girl that never speaks? blah, blah, paranoia, blah, blah chopping block, blah, blah who do you trust blah blah…and then Jeff asks Gary and Judd if they’ve ever told lies and they both say no, but where Gary says, “No, I’m really a landscaper who has never played in the NFL and my last name is Hawkins” and leaves it at that, Judd has diarrhea of the mouth and says, “No, not me, I wouldn’t do that, what do you mean? Me? Why do you ask me that? You know something, Jeff?” as his eyes nearly pop out of his head and he breaks out into a cold sweat. Again, Judd? Worst.liar.ever.

The biggest moment of Tribal Council is now upon us. Forget the damn vote, it’s time to find out if anyone has found the Hidden Immunity Idol. Insert drumroll here----> Cut to quick shots of all the players’ faces looking tense and noncommittal. The moment is drawn out as long as possible and jusssst as you think no one could have found it (unless you have ever watched Survivor before), Gary starts digging in his backpack and pulls out the little sucker as Stephannoys me twangs something that sounds vaguely like “Wow, Bobby Jon, you’re fucked.” I want to smack her. JuddtheHellUp looks like he was just kicked in the crotch and I giggle.


Jeffy doesn’t give them any time to talk—he sends everyone off to vote immediately. Booby Jon is toast. Too bad the Hidden Idol didn’t come out later when there wasn’t such an obvious second choice vote because it would have been fun to see what happened when the plan fell apart at the last second, but the only person who seemed surprised at what happened when the votes were tallied was Booby as he garnered 6 votes, Steph got 2 and Cindy was tossed 1 vote from Gary.

Commericals again and now I have to go yell at the kid who is still in the shower and tell him to get OUT of the shower. Once he gets in, he seems to think he should take up residence. Then, because it’s Thursday, the youngest child is up demanding a drink of water and pleading for just one more snuggle. *sigh*

Next time on Survivor:

Gary HogenWhotheHellAreYou tries to have an argument based in fact with TnJamie, which should prove to be totally futile. The Survivors do everytyhing short of fuck a corpse in order to win the best.reward.ever! And Lydia-Loompa has to decide something, which means she’s going to get more camera time which means that I’m probably going to be taking longer pee breaks.

  ¶ 11:19 PM 7 Comments

  Survivor Guatemala: Episode Eight It's A Southern Thang

by TeamJoisey


Previously on Survivor:

The BobbyJonBoy Tribe won a ribbon twirling challenge worthy of Martha Stewart’s Apprentice. That reward let them move through the treetops with Judd’s relatives and clog their bowels with chocolate. They invited the Stephi Tribe to come to a pool party, where Jamie began his long campaign to go home immediately and Stephi stopped whining for a whole 10 minutes. At the immunity challenge, two unthinkable events happened: Steph was instrumental in victory, and Rafe hugged a woman. Burnett spent 10 minutes teasing us with a possible elimination for BillyJackBobJon, only to close with the easily predictable ouster of the one-legged Sahgent Amy of the Blue States. And then, THEN Jiffy sprung the surprise of the season: a never-before seen twist where they merge two tribes of five … into one tribe of 10!

What could happen next?? Roll the credits, watch Cindy’s wet ass, who the hell is Morgan, and where the hell is Andrew Savage?


Commercials
Crest put Clorox on duct tape, and they’re charging 35 dollars a box… JC Penney is having their bi-weekly Biggest Sale of the Year… Verizon’s creepy multiple-stalker and incestuously named Family Share Plan follows your daughter home from the mall, and follows your androgynous male child to the Hellfire Club where he will hammer nails through his scrotum… We all love to go out to overpay at restaurants. But now you can pay restaurant prices for crappy frozen dinners from Stouffer’s Corner Bistro, which you’ll eat alone because you are a miserable socially retarded turd who would otherwise have to sit alone at a restaurant. But at least you can moan orgasmically while you stuff your face with microwaved rubber shrimp… Kodak has a new digital camera that shoots stills and – get this marketing ploy – “TV quality video.” As if we all strive to match the fine cinematography of Family Feud… Nice & Easy hair color lets you paint parts of your head to match the garish parts previously painted… Tim Allen’s movie “Christmas with the Kranks” sucked last year. Buy it on DVD now and you can start a new family tradition that everyone will resent… It must be November sweeps, because FBI Agent Rob Morrow and his calculator cyborg brother are gonna stop terrists who release toxins in the Los Angeles subway. Three things: a release of toxins would only improve the air in LA, an attack on the LA subway would be a blessing, and dweebish Rob Morrow is in the FBI? Uh-huh…


On with the show. It’s night time at Camp Stephi-love. Everyone is dreaming of a million dollars, and a shower. BobbiJoBilliJoBettyJo and his band of losers wander into Stephi-land intending to act stupid and subservient. Unlike their previous intellectually stimulating and completely dominant strategy of just sucking. BobbyJack&Diane says he can’t be around Stephi because he wants to vomit, which explains a lot about the first episode. He can’t be around Jamie because he wants to knock him out, which explains the “Big Balls Shoutdown” in a previous episode.
We can’t be too far from whipping out the Southern Man Penis Ruler, with graduated increments of 1, 2, 5, 7, 8 and 9.

Eventually, the newcomers arrive and pass out. Buffs. Inexplicably, some Stephites are surprised by a merge. Stephi whines. Ever-hospitable Jamie invites them to sleep on the ground outside the shelter. BillyJoBobbiSue says if Jamie says another word he’ll knock the teeth “slam outta yo haid.” (It’s a Southern Thang.)

The next morning, BobbyJackJackieO, NotBartStarr and Branded begin accumulating firewood for the sneering Stephites, who lounge around camp. The workers return with a large collection of kindling, which some have referred to as Danni. In confessional, Dannirexic says they are being treated like slaves. Branded says he thinks he might be on the chopping block. Yup, ten minutes into the broadcast, and the bootee has been identified. Fast forward…

Next time, on Survivor:

Yeah, you wish it were that easy.
But I couldn’t skip the riveting and heartbreaking “Stand Motionless for an Hour Challenge.” Or the breathtaking excitement of aimless wandering in the woods while looking for a rock in a tree. Yeah, sure Branded goes home. But all in good time, my pretties. All in good time.

Crock-mail arrives, and Rafe gets all fluttery and excited to see a basket with a new flag and some paints for decorating. There is also an extremely wordy note.

Here’s the professionally edited version, edited professionally by a professional journalist, who really ought to be concentrating on the fact that it’s almost election day:

Pick a name, paint a flag.
And Home Depot can help.
Look for a rock in the woods.
Watch Without A Trace on CBS.
The rock is hard to find.
You can find Pringles in your grocer’s snack display.
The rock has special powers.
Much like The Ghost Whisperer, on CBS.
The special magic rock will give you insurance.
Geico can save you 15 percent on car insurance.
You can use the special rock at any time.
You can use Verizon’s Family Share Plan at any time.
If you find the rock, you can keep it a secret.
Secret is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Once we reach the final four, you can’t use the rock.
Once college basketball reaches the Final Four, Survivor switches to Wednesday on CBS.
If you don’t find the rock, you could go home.
And appear on the The Early Show, on CBS.


Back at camp, Lydia-putian reads the note to the assembled morons. Stephi is particularly surprised and interested to hear there is something six inches long and very hard hidden in the woods. Lots of meaningful looks exchanged, which means nothing. And the losers spread out through all of Guatemala looking for a stupid little rock, a Mini-Idol that is like the pocket Swiss army knife of immunity.
On top of the ruins. In the crevices of the ruins. In the piles of leaves. Ten minutes of people wandering around looking for something they’ve never seen.



And lots of confessionals about how important it will be to find the damn thing. WorseThanFranTarkenton says he’s not going to prance into camp if he finds it. (That would be Rafe’s job.) Branded says he has a big target on his head. And that explains the Indiana Jones hat.

And then it starts to rain. So we get more shots of people walking around in the rain, looking for the stupid Mini-Idol.

While they are out on the search, BobbyRiggsBillieJean meets with St. Stephenie of the Turnpike, and begs for the opportunity to finish ninth. Yeah, ninth. He tells her that he just wants to be on the jury. Steph says she wants him on the jury too, and he deserves to be on the jury. Normal people would understand she just said “I want you on the jury so you’ll vote for me, but you certainly don’t deserve better than a jury seat.” BobBobaRan is not normal people.

Stephi promise to do everything in her power to make sure that Branded “goes first.” And you, you brainless ape, will go next. They hug to seal their deal, and then go off to vomit.

We go off to sell some fine products:
If you buy a new Chevy, tin antelopes will stalk you… An infected chicken wants you to know there’s a big sale at Kohl’s… If you use Visa to buy holiday gifts, they will expand to 100 times the original size. My wife’s buying me a new dick … Dell’s new computer sales pitch is trying to be as cool as an iPod. Failing miserably… T-Mobile and a guy who won’t shut up… CSI: The Messiah… Without a Trace in Mexico: Girls Gone. No, just gone. Sorry, Dweeze… President Bartlet is going to appear on Odd Couple and a Brat, but first he needs to remind us about the quality movies he used to make but no longer makes because he sold his soul to the crass commercialism of television.


It is Day 20, and Lydiaputian urges the group to come up with a new name. They settle on Shaquille, and Lydiot paints the flag. She declares the group one big happy tribe. Except for those four slaves who await execution, of course.



And the search for Mini-Idol continues. Jamie wants to find it just to keep it from the slaves because that would “put a hurtin on ma plan.” (It’s a Southern Thang.)

Big Dudd decides he can find it with his penis. BenJi laments that he can’t find it. I’m sick of the damn thing already. Jamie and Dudd search, then give up. Rafe whines about not being able to find anything, but he does manage to stick his hand in a hornet’s nest. He says that’s a signal from the Mayan Gods that he’s not supposed to find the idol.


Since Rafe is the least likely, the least threatening, and the least in need of immunity, it is a pretty good bet he finds the idol sometime in the next three episodes. But not tonight. Oh hell no. Tonight we’re just going to pad the episode with footage of people wandering aimlessly in the woods staring at the ground while the Mini-Idol taunts them.

Stephi whines about the lack of a merge feast. Lydia whines, Jamie whines. Dannirexic whines about the whining. NotJoeMontanaEither decides to go fishing, in case a fish swallowed the Mini-Idol.

He ties some elaborate flies, and heads off to the canoe. In a move of stunning strategic ignorance, he is joined on this fishing excursion by fellow slaves Dannirexic, Branded and BobbaLoo.

While they are gone, the others gorge on hidden chocolate, lick up the last of the honey, denigrate the slaves, and cast lots for their garments. Jamie says the decision to go fishing is a slap in the face. In fact, I’m certain he’s so insulted he would refuse to eat any fish they bring back. Dudd, yes, even Dudd says he can’t believe they were dumb enough to leave camp together.



The NoClue alliance plots their next strategery, to eliminate Branded, PortaJon and then Dannirexic, in order. Naïve little Rafe suddenly realizes he is a member of the Axis of Evil. And it turns out the little clown doesn’t like bashing people. He? Will never write a summary here.

Meanwhile, aboard the Amistad, the former Yaxha whine about how much Stephenie bitches, and how all the rest of the NoClue tribe complains all day. Yes, more whining about complaining. They’d like to row back to their old camp just to get away from the Steph infection. And back at Camp Mayasma, the six slaveowners reaffirm their vow of unity, and settle on a plan to be the final six.



Coming soon to a theatre near you; Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Effects Supervisor from Lord of The Rings… speaking of an axis of evil, Garth Brooks is hooking up with Wal-Mart… The Corpse Whisperer, starring Jennifer Love ToDoIt with corpses… CSI:NY&FLA, now they suck together… Letterman’s exploding pumpkin… oooh flashy lights for some indistinguishable Pontiac… A lawyer who tells the truth, for a bank that cares about customers… Mike Bloomberg, America’s Best Republican, wants to buy some more votes… Local news blurb, and thank goodness we return to find…


A pool party.
The little deck is anchored off Judd’s Beach, land of quicksand, and it is the perfect little cage for gator chow. Sadly, the gators are on the outside. Our “contestants” are just standing around, laying around, lounging around, waiting for tree mail. Even they are describing this episode as boring. BobbingJonnycakes has a short confessional where he tells us that he doesn’t think the NoClue alliance is going to be the final six. Who says he’s dumb?

Finally, the tree mail arrives, along with a few clay pots. And a po-em.

“Wanna look stupid? Here’s what you do:
Put a buff on your head, put a clay pot on too.
Stand in one place, don’t flinch and don’t twitch.
Don’t listen to Jamie, southern sumafabich.
Your teammates are eatin’, you eye what they’re doin’
And then you must walk up this big ancient ruin.
If you lose your clay pot, well then such is your doom.
Be grateful you’re not that old hack Hogeboom.

They practice balancing clay pots. Yawn. Branded is determined to win the immunity challenge. Dannirexic says something about a body part being cone shaped. And thank God for saline, because those implants are the only preventing this woman from floating off with the breeze.





Off we go to the Temple of Challenges,
where high priest Jeffy Probate awaits in that SAME DAMN BLUE SHIRT. Also waiting there is a big spread of barbecued chicken, fruit, rolls, wine and other merge feast comestibles.


Jeff takes back the Jacko Sexual Molestation Immunity Doll and reveals the Immunity Necklace, which looks vaguely patriotic.




Jeffy asks about the merge. Jamie makes another crack about newcomers sleeping outside. BoJackson spits at Jamie’s feet. CindyBraidy complains about not getting any attention, and not getting food when they merged.

Jeffy offers them food, with a twist. They can sit out the challenge and eat … IF they don’t think they need immunity.

Rafe, Stephi, Lydiaputian and Jamie choose to skip the challenge and go eat. The slaves; Dannirexic, WishesHeWasJimMcMahon, Branded and BobbyPeterMarciaJan chose to do the challenge. Dudd and CindyBraidy also decide to do the challenge, quite possibly because they are, by all estimation, complete imbeciles.



Here’s the challenge: Put a pot on your head. Stand on a block of wood. Don’t touch the pot. If the pot falls, you are out. If nobody moves for an hour, we go to a tiebreaker. In effect, the challenge is to stand motionless. These are the action-packed moments I have to deal with.

While the poseurs pose, the arrogant eaters begin to feast. Jamie begins taunting BeckyTomHuckFinn in some Good Ol’ Big Boy Southern Dumb-unity Challenge.

Jamie: Imma gwan chowme eatum. Branded he be daid. I spect Judd our leader.

BobbyJon: I kin count two one.

Jamie: Why you say dat rite now?

BobbyJon: Ah keen an ah wool and ah won’t too.

Jeff: Looks like you are still two tribes.

Jamie: Bobby Jon, you knowd you hada win imooniddy, now you givin’ me shit.

BobbyJon: When you start goin off at da mouth I aint gonna letya big boy me.

(I ‘spect Kimmah will come along ritecheer to tell y’all whut day ment. And who won. Damned if I know. It’s a Southern Thang. The only one I understand is Joisey Judd.)

Actual quote from Jeff:
You are 30 minutes in.
Never has 30 minutes seemed so long.

Jamie goes back to taunting BobbyJayBird. Rafe pleads with him to stop because it just doesn’t seem right to make the slaves feel so bad. Rafe never lived in Alabama, I be guessing.

When the hour ends, the feast has been devoured, and only Dannirexic has dropped her pot. Dudd, CindyBraidy, NotAsGoodAsDannyWhite, Branded and BeeBobALula have to do the tiebreaker. Jeff takes them over to the pyramid, where they have to race to the top while balancing the pot. It’s a pretty steep pyramid, with crumbly old steps. I’m looking at it wondering if anyone can possibly succeed. I’m also pondering whether that climb is tougher with a pot on, or on pot. If I knew how to insert those funky poll graphics, this would be the right spot, rite cheer. I did hear Jeff say “No hands can touch your pot at any time,” and I thought to myself, “C’mon… pass it, dood.”

So they race to the top. And despite 14 straight years displaying a total inability to move under pressure, NotJoeTheismannEither practically runs to the top of the ruins without so much as flinching. Or felching.

Jeff throws the Dubya Necklace around the neck of NotEvenJoePisarcik, and sends them all back to camp to ponder the upcoming vote.


Holy Shit! I think that’s Morgan in commercial. Or is it Brooke, or Jenn? I don’t know, but it’s some generic blonde for Old Navy jeans…. A trailer for the upcoming movie: Harry Potter and the C-Cup of a Hot Best Friend… Salsa music and beautiful shots of the white sand beach in Puerto Rico, which earlier this year used to be in Cancun, and before that, the Cayman Islands… A guy drops his credit card bill, follows it into a vent, and winds up inside John Malkovich’s head… Identity chips for your dog (Didn’t Fido read George Orwell’s 13,888?… Another upcoming movie: Donnie Darko goes to War… CSI investigates a virgin birth in Las Vegas, focusing on the remote possibility of actual virgins in Las Vegas… CBS has aliens on Threshold… and a promo for Tuesday’s two-hour Amazing Race, which may have started by the time I finish this summary.


We return to camp, and the Axis of Dweezil has run off the axel. Dudd is berating Jamie for eating, and for running his mouth at the challenge. Goodness, is this an opening? Might the evil plan disintegrate before our eyes? Will Survivor 11 avoid the great Pagongathon?


Well, no. But the slaves begin to work on the other Evil Slaveholders, trying to convince them to oust Jamie the ignorant obnoxious redneck with the big mouth, and to keep Branded, the ignorant obnoxious redneck with the big hat and BobbyBobbyBo-ObbyFeeFiFoFobby, the ignorant obnoxious redneck with the big name.

CindyBraidy says Jamie has no class. Dudd says Jamie has no class. Rafe says Jamie has no class. He says he can’t continue to sleep with Jamie and still respect himself. Rafe also says he’s been sleeping with The Devil, which might make someone in our little Circle pretty nervous.

Steph and Dudd tell BjandtheBear that they really hate Jamie’s guts. Cut to Jamie informing BigJohnson and Branded that it’s unfortunate, but “Branded is going home tonight and thass it.” Jamie continues to taunt BJ, trying to get someone to say they want to send Jamie home. He even says, “we’re all good farm boys.”

This part was starting to give me the creeps. Even the howler monkeys started to move away. So it’s best if we move on. Let’s just say that the Farmboy Penis Contest may have been in session. It was, most certainly, A Southern Thang.

After Jamie wanders away, BillyJoel tells Branded that the other NoClue bozos are ready to send Jamie home. Branded says he’s gonna crap his pants. Later he says he’s been mentally prepared to go home, he goes off looking for the Mini-Idol, and damn he won’t shut up in these damn confessionals. We get it already, the producers are giving him the big goodbye. Let’s get on with it.

Now we cut to NotJohnElwayInAnyWay trying to convince Rafe to do the right thing and vote for Jamie. I’d like him to convince Rafe to do the right thing, and put that shirt back on. Dannirexic is working on CindyBraidy, which in some context might be a good thing. Here, it is simply more Weapons of MisDirection from Evil Pecker Mark Burnett.

Finally, they all trudge off to Tribal Council, with one last confessional from CindyBraidy, who is ready to assume a narrator role from Branded, the Dead DAW Walking. She tells us her heart wants to vote for Jamie, but she “promised the Number of Six that she’d vote for Brandon like they decided. It’s not about who you care the most about because at some point you gotta get rid of everybody if you’re gonna win.” And then she gives us the “I won’t know until I write the name on the piece of paper.” Does Burn-it put that trite phrase in the contract?

Finally, finally, Tribal Council.

And Jeff starts the questions.

JP: Rafe, at the challenge today, were you hard when Jamie was bein’ all macho about your alliance?

Rafe: Later tonight I’m gonna hold it against him. Is that naïve? I want us all to respect each other in the morning. That’s why I get frustrated.

JP: BobbyJon do you want to add some ignorance?

BJ: I thut that was no class. Yeah woo woo woo. That’s no class.

Jamie: I got class. And mine’s bigger.

BJ: Man, just shut up dude.

Jamie: No class is when you did sumpin to somebody about sumpin and that was Brian and y’all dude.

BJ: I’m 28 years old and I’m gonna act like it. And I don know whut yer sayin.

Jamie: I’ma whut gonna say yer not sayin.

Stephenie: shut up you assholes.

Jamie: No one says I have no class, that’s just disrespectful. I didn’t disrepect him like dat. We’ll see who’s the bigger man in the Testicles-By-The-Square-Yard Challenge.
I? Have a big penis. And THAT’s a Southern Thang!

Brandon thinking: (He IS a big dick. Keep going asshole, and save me!)

JP: CindyBraidy, why the fuck were you in the challenge? An extreme weight loss plan? Or are you just too stupid and stubborn, like that fat oaf from Joisey?

Cindy: I can eat fried chicken in LoserLodge next week, but I’ll never get another chance to hold a clay pot on my head for an hour. And it broke my heart to realize that nobody in my alliance even noticed I was there. I will not be IGNORED, Dan. I know how to boil bunnies!! Ya know, maybe I am an idiot.

JP: Gary Hogeboom, NFL quarterback, can I get your autograph? And don’t you think that arrogant asshole Jamie oughta be sent out on an option wide right on a count of three hut hut hut?

Gary: I think everybody should vote with their heart and not within their carefully crafted strategy to move forward in the game. Because by now, all the viewers know revealed strategies are doomed to complete failure. Much like my career as an NF… landscaper.

JP: Cindy, I’ve recently noticed that you seem to have been cast in the show. Since we know nothing about you except that your ass is the best part of the opening montage, could you come back to my tent and help me squeeze my little Berry? Consider it a Mini-Immunity Challenge; as in “Let’s see if she’s immune to chlamydia.”

Cindy: I used to have morals. But I slept with Paula Abdul to get on this show, and I’ll lie down with pigs like Jamie if it means I get a few more minutes of television.

JP: Well, duh. Now, does anyone have anything six inches long and rock hard that they’d like to show me? No? OK fine. But tomorrow we’re doing the shower cam again.

OK, let’s vote. Gary Hogeboom, NFL millionaire, has a bye in this round of the playoffs, and is not eligible to be drafted. So get to it, vote out Branded so he can put his hat back on. He’s scarin’ the monkeys.

They vote. Jamie says he respects Brandon and is sorry he has to go. BobbyJonJonFitzgeraldKennedy votes for Jamie, and says Jamie is not a southern gentleman and has no class at all. And he has a tiny penis. CindyBraidy is shown pensively staring at her ballot before she casts the last vote.

Jiffy Probe collects the Urn of Mayan Sacrifice and tallies the votes.

Brandon. Brandon.
Jamie. Jamie.
Brandon.
Jamie.
Brandon.
Jamie.
Brandon.
… and the last vote is, SURPRISE! For Brandon.

He collects his torch, shakes hands with the other doomed Yaxhavians, and gives Dannirexic a hug, and a quiet whispered farewell: “You’re the sister I never had… to chase into the hayloft for some quick animal sex when she was 13.”

A quick Jiffysnuff, and Branded walks away, hat in hand, with a mournful “Good luck guys.”

Dannirexic has tears. Or her saline is leaking out through her face. Stephi has a self-satisfied little smile. Jeff reminds them all that they’ve at least made the jury, completing the BoboJon career arc. They take their torches, and head back to camp. Well, except for CindyBraidy, who has an appointment to get some penicillin and late night injection.
Febreeze moment, from Branded’s grandma: “Hi sweetheart! The sheep are really lonely and can’t wait until you get back!”






A fat guy motionless on the living room floor, for the new Febreeze Defibrillator… Sprint and Nextel are turning two phone companies into one company. Somehow 2-1= more choices … Pontiac continues to try and sell the Torrent without making the car truly visible in the advertising, but if you see a Survivor whore in one of them, you might get chlamydia… Bruce Willis is on Letterman… Some crappy TV disaster movie this Sunday, in which George Washington’s face is blown off Mt. Rushmore, presumably to make room for George W. Bush…

Next time, on Survivor:

Jamie and BJ continue the Peckerhead Pecker-off which is, of course A Southern Thang, the losers keep looking for the Mini-Idol, and Judd vomits… again… this time in the shelter.









And in the inimitable words of my Joisey brother:

“It’s all a blur to me, man.”  ¶ 12:59 AM 8 Comments