Survive This

Farewell, So Long, Auf Wiedersehen, Good Night

2007-02-11T09:29:00.001-05:00

We are out of the summarizing business. We hear tell that our good friend Dweezil is undertaking a solo adventure, but we don't have a site link for it. Dweezil's blog Corn O'Copia may be able to direct you to a new site for summary-y goodness.

It's been a great ride, and the management thanks those who've contributed, but thanks even more especially those who've read. Vaya con dios, muchachos.

UPDATED: Dweezil is undertaking a television-related writing adventure, along with the lovely and talented Jolene and some other friends. You can and should check them out at DTV.

2006-12-21T03:42:00.000-05:00

Survivor Coke Islands:
Finale and Reunion Show

A highly educated Asian geek and an uneducated, unemployed Hispanic drifter who excels at manual labor just finished telling us they’ve shattered racial stereotypes. That’s the outcome of the Survivor: Coke Islands social experiment. Delusional Self-Aggrandizement: It’s not just for white folks anymore.

Three hours wasted on this crap. Will somebody just kill Mark Burnett? Can we please nuke the South Pacific until they stop making this show?

No wonder Landru gave this up.

Three. Goddamn. Hours.

Sigh.

Jeff Probst opens the finale with a clip reel that covers all the relevant moments of the past 14 episodes in just eight minutes. I could have trimmed it to 28 seconds.

When the show finally begins for real, Meathead Adam is pouting in the hut while the Aitu Alliance gathers on the beach for some coconut-cracking mutual masturbation.

Sundra tells us that her four-person alliance never really discussed what they would do when they got down to the final four. Sucker, that mean’s you’re next. Now she’s formulatin’ a plan to vote off Ozzy. Too late, morons.

Mail arrives...

Black, Brown, Yellow, White
Adam must put up a fight.
But Ozzie is a little monkey,
Say goodbye to the stupid honky.

More blather about the Aitu Alliance holding on to reach the final four, with at least two of them never realizing they’ve been playing for fourth place.

The challenge is a rope obstacle course in the shape of a spider web, with bags of puzzle pieces scattered across eight stations. Retrieve the bags, assemble the puzzle, win immunity. Probst says it is the most difficult puzzle in thirteen seasons.

Off they go. Yul has retrieved his third bag before Ozzy has his first, which makes it seem that Ozzy might lose. But Ozzy went for the most time-consuming task first, so Jeff’s “coming from behind” narration is all crap. Ozzy is the first to get all the pieces. Yul and Adam begin the puzzle, and Ozzy screws it up at first, but eventually Ozzy wins his fourth straight immunity challenge.

Back at the beach, it’s already a given that Adam is eliminated. The Aitu Alliance crows, Adam pouts all over again. He eventually comes out of the hut and finally attempts to play the game in his final hours. Adam points out that Becky, Sundra and Ozzie are allowing Yul to coast to the final three. He suggests the three should vote for Yul, make him use the not-very-hidden idol, and get it out of the game to even things up in the final four. They pretend to think about it. Actually, pretending to think might be their natural state.

Tribal Council

Jeff: Ozzy, is Adam screwed?

Ozzy: Yup.

Jeff: Becky, have you done anything at all in this game?

Becky: Now that I’m in the final four, I’m going to try.

Jeff: You disgust me. Ozzy, don’t she make you itch?

Ozzy: I don’t care if I had to carry these leeches.
Nobody will give these useless women a million bucks.

Adam: Ozzy is an uneducated, unemployed Hispanic drifter; Yul is a highly educated Asian geek. But Becky and Sundra are parasites. And they are boring. And they are way too stupid to force Yul to use the immunity idol tonight.

Jeff: Becky, how stupid are you?

Becky: Stupid enough to think Yul’s going to give me the immunity idol when I lose the next challenge, and stupid enough to think the jury will give me a million dollars for that.

Yul: It’s not like that. We are a team, and we all work together and our goal was to be the final four. We’re such a great loving, soulful team and we want to stay together just like this forever.

Jeff: That’s manipulative bullshit, right?

Yul: Yup.

Votes… votes counted… Adam is sent to the jury. Candice orgasms.

The Aitu 2 plus 2 return to camp with cheers over their ability to eliminate eight straight Raro tribe members.

Yul pontificates about how the winner of Survivor will be from a minority community. Vecepia Towery, Sandra Diaz and the Fat Naked Gay Guy hurl things at their television. Yul is praising the strength of diversity in team building. He’s patting himself on the back already for assembling an alliance that includes two mannequins that don’t want to win and a challenge whore who can’t lose.

The next morning Ozzy greets the sun and tells us he’s got to win another challenge today. And the viewers have a challenge of their own. Find something else on television for the next ten minutes while these four smug assholes go burn the torches and laugh at the dozen people already eliminated. It’s the Fallen Comrades Montage and not worthy of our attention.

When they finished violating the corpses of the recently deceased, we cut to the immunity challenge. Keeping with Survivor tradition, this one is an endurance challenge. They find something really annoying and make you do it for three hours. Traipsing around a hillside gathering torches was not enough. Watching them traipse around a hillside collecting torches ought to earn us all a necklace.

For this final challenge they have to stand atop a platform, and each 15 minutes the platform will get smaller until they are standing on a post the size of a postage stamp. Yes, it’s another “Watch People Stand Still” action adventure.

Jeff also announces what we all figured out weeks ago: the final tribal council will include three finalists eligible for the million dollars.

Stand around. After 45 minutes Becky falls.
Stand around. Down to the post. Wobble wobble.
Several times Ozzy regains his balance.
Ozzy complains about sweaty balls.
Yul falls.
Stand around. Wobble wobble.
After two and a half hours, Sundra falls.
Everybody chant along: Ozzy wins immunity.

Back at camp, the final four have come to realize they soon have to vote somebody out. Looking for a fair outcome, Ozzy comes up with the plan to vote a 2-2 tie and allow Becky and Sundra to go through a final challenge. Yul agrees. Maybe I’m a cynical bastard, but it sure seems like neither Ozzy nor Yul want to piss off that final jury member.

For no intelligent reason whatsoever, Yul secretly offers the not-hidden immunity idol to Becky in order to break that 2-2 tie. For no intelligent reason whatsoever, she declines. She’s afraid that the jury will suddenly get the crazy idea she’s in the final three only because she’s a blood-sucking parasite carried to the finals in Yul’s colon.

Ozzy and Yul tell the women they’ve settled on the tiebreaker strategy. Sundra asks for Yul’s assurance there won’t be a surprise appearance of the immunity idol, and he promises her it won’t happen. Since he’s not willing to alienate a jury member, we all know a tiebreaker is coming. Anyone who’s ever seen the show would start flinging flint and practicing for a fire-building challenge. Not these losers.

At this point, intelligent viewers have changed the channel. It doesn’t matter one bit who the third finalist will be, because no one will cast a vote for Becky or Sundra anyway. It’s all filler at this point until we get to the jury. There’s no spark, shall we say?

Tribal Council

Jeff: Adam warned you stupid cows this was gonna happen. Ozzy’s safe, Yul’s got the idol, and one of you two remora are getting cut loose. Why are you so fucking stupid?

Sundra: Hummuna, hummuna, hummuna. Gulp.

Jeff: Ozzy, do you even care who goes and who stays?

Ozzy: Not really. Bring on a tiebreaker and kick a bitch out. We’re done with both of them. I just want the loser to blame Yul.

Jeff: Yul, have you done anything remarkably stupid, like offer the immunity idol to Becky, who we should point out is both a parasite and an attorney?

Yul: Jeff, using the vectors in this Venn diagram, we arrived at a solution that we hope will maximize embarrassment for Sundra and Becky, while simultaneously minimize the risk of hurt feelings that might impact negatively on my sweet and caring persona. In other words Jeff, let the bitches mud wrestle for all I care.

Jeff: Sundra, you bought that shit?

Sundra: Of course.

Jeff: Becky, would you suck him off to get the hidden idol? Have you begged for it like a dirty little girl?

Becky: Oh hell yeah.

Jeff: Well, Yul, would you like to posture for the jury a bit longer?

Yul: Oh hell yeah. I wanted to play a clean game and treat everyone with the love and respect they all deserve. Sadly, I was naïve, but I have tried to remain moral and loyal to all my wonderful friends. And I brought back Jonathan’s hat because it’s in my nature to be kind and thoughtful, particularly with such a keen opponent.

Jeff: Ozzy, would you like to give up the immunity necklace?

Ozzy: Hell no (an actual line).

Jeff: Let’s waste some time. Go vote.

As they agreed, the vote splits 2-2 for Becky and Sundra. Neither has the not-so-hidden immunity idol, so we go to the tiebreaker.

It’s the same tiebreaker we’ve seen before: Here’s a pile of twigs, here’s some coconut husk, here’s a flint and a knife. Make a fire and burn through a rope about two feet above the table. When the rope breaks, it will release and ring a large bell.

Seems simple, right?

I mean, who goes through 36 days of incredibly boring camp life without at least once saying, “Hey, let me try that fire thing, just to occupy some time.” I understand these two were lazy bloodsuckers, but did they even watch other people make fire?

Day 444 of The Fire Challenge

The two quickly build a tower of twigs, and start sparking away with the flint and steel. But it is immediately clear they have no idea what to do with an actual spark. After an hour of watching Sundra and Becky cluelessly flail about with a sharp knife, Jeff allows them to use matches.

After two hours, Jeff allows them to use gasoline.

After three hours, Jeff allows them to call on the help of a rotund uniformed middle-aged Boy Scout leader from Cincinnati, Ohio.

After four hours, the jury is treated for smoke inhalation from all the fires raging around the tribal council area. Some are also treated for burns and heat exhaustion due to television lights that heat to 1000 degrees Kelvin and cause the spontaneous combustion of their clothing.

After five hours, Jeff calls in a napalm strike. Becky flinches.

After six hours, Sundra has exhausted the supply of combustible material in the Pacific Rim. Becky appears on 60 Minutes, appealing for international aid to overcome the tragedy in the small island nation.

After seven hours, Indonesian Muslims give Becky one of their atomic suitcase bombs, which she uses to create a spark. Remaining crew members, by now soaked in rum, hurl themselves into the flame.

After eight hours, the weight of the bell causes the aging strings to unravel. Becky’s string breaks. She leaps around the stage triumphantly.

Jeff snuffs Sundra’s torch, and then prolongs the misery by sending them all back to camp for one more night.

Did anyone else note the irony in Sundra’s final words: “The fact that I even made it this far has ignited so many things…” She also goes on to say the winner needs to take her out to dinner, because she is, to the end, waiting for someone else to come along and feed her. Yes, we’re all about shattering those racial stereotypes.

The Final Three gather on the beach at sunrise to exult. Becky is proud that she turned down the offer of the immunity idol, deluding herself into thinking she has a chance in hell of winning.

Two island babes arrive with a feast, which Yul and Ozzy enjoy while Becky is wandering the beach looking for a reason to live. Ozzy tells us that Becky won’t get any votes because of her miserable performance in the challenge. Yul tells us he is happy to have made a friend like Becky, who is worth a million dollars.

I’m so sick of this shit.

Final Tribal Council

The Final Three enter. The Jury enters. Jeff calls them by name: Dasher Dancer Prancer (no wait) Brad and Rebecca and Jenny and Nate and Jonathan and Candice and Parvati and Adam and Sundra. Some of them so forgettable Jeff has to read from cue cards.

Jeff: Power to the jury brak brak brak opening statements brak brak brak jury will speak brak brak brak votes. Yul, baffle us with your bullshit.

Yul: I am Buddha. I control all, but in a friendly and beneficial way. If you vote for me, you will all find inner peace and be reincarnated as your fondest desire.

Becky: I sucked at challenges, I didn’t work around camp, I didn’t even think at all for 39 days. BUT, I made friends with people who did all those things, and this is a social game, so you should give me the money because I’m friendly. Except to some of you on the jury, and what are your names again?

(Jurors laugh in her face.)

Ozzy: I’m Mexican. The last Beaner. You guys have been trying to deport me for weeks. But I won nearly every challenge in the game single-handedly, carried my tribe out of an 8-4 disadvantage in numbers and I fed you all for a month. I’m the best player in the history of the game, and I star in porn movies. Bask in the glory that is Ozzy.

Jeff: OK jury, cut them.

Nate: Yul, you are a deity, and I’m voting for you because you can read. Ozzy, you kicked my ass every day, but climbing trees ain’t strategy, my brother. Did you do any thinking at all?

Ozzy: Oh yeah. I made sure my team threw a challenge so that the Beaners would be outnumbered the rest of the way. It was a huge strategic mistake. Sucked for the rest of the Beaners, but they are not the mighty and powerful Oz.

Nate: Becky, you suck.

Becky: Yeah, but only Yul. I ‘helped’ him make decisions. And I wouldn’t take the immunity idol when he offered it because I wanted to earn my spot in the top three. And I earned it, really really really.

Jenny: Does anyone remember me? I was on Survivor! Yul, tell us more about how the game is all about strategy and not about winning challenges so I won’t look stupid when I vote for you just because you’re not a greasy Mexican egomaniac.

Yul: I was happy to let Ozzy win the challenges, for that gave him inner peace. I was happy to let Ozzy feed us all, for that gave us all inner strength. But I planned it all, every step, from way back in the womb. Not a leaf moves on this island but by my command.

Parvati: Becky, you suck.

Becky: Why do you all keep saying that? Do I have some on my chin? I’m proud of the way I didn’t play.

Rebecca: Becky, you suck. Yul, you are smarter than God. Ozzy, you are stronger than God. Can the two of you tell me more about the wonder of you?

Yul: I think it is important that a minority finally wins this game, but one of the acceptable minorities and not an unemployed uneducated Mexican who makes dirty movies. I shatter the stereotype of highly educated Asian geek… by being a highly educated Asian geek who wears contact lenses.

Ozzy: I’m a Mexican, but not one of those Taco Bell Mexicans. I am a positive role model for all of mankind. I can make food or fire from these stones here. I have a very large penis, for which there is extensive evidence on the Internet.

Adam: You people are boring and you can’t stop bragging. Ozzy, I already promised my vote to Yul to get rid of Jonathan, but I want you to talk trash about the other finalists anyway.

Ozzy: Yul rode my coattails, and Becky rode Yul’s. I think the worst thing you can do is not try as hard as possible (except when you intend to throw a challenge) and Yul sat back and didn’t try. And Becky? Pfft. She took 39 days to make a fire. What the hell is she doing here intruding on my glory?

Candice: It should all be about me. Why is it not all about me? And Yul, I’m sick of your long-winded butt licking answers. Answer me yes or no: Isn’t it really about me?

Yul: Yes. Yes, it is all about you, and I think I’ve found love out here.

Brad: Ozzy, we’ve never met, but I’ve seen your penis on the Internet and I am in love with you. Tell us a weepy story that will make me quiver.

Ozzy: Mi padre es muy loco. He doesn’t love me. We never played catch in a cornfield, he never gave me a roll of Lifesavers. Let me pause here to act vulnerable.

Brad: Ooooohh. I got chills, and squirted a little. Thank you for that.

Sundra: OK, my turn to waste time. What have you all learned or discovered in this game?

Ozzy: I found love. I love you all. You all mean everything to me. Without you, each and every one, there would be no reason to live this fabulous life of wonderfulness that is me. Plus, I got to see Parvati naked, although she wasn’t good enough for my porn star taste.

Becky: I forgot how to tell time.

Yul: I discovered that I am a deity, who can control the universe with the power of my mind.

Jonathan: Yul, you are a lying manipulator, even better than me. I would vote for you for president. Tell us again how loyal you’ve been, even when you stabbed me in the back.

Yul: My people love me.

Jonathan: Ozzy, you are an arrogant prick who thinks you deserve to win just because you won every challenge. Wouldn’t you just blow the million dollars on crack whores?

Ozzy: I don’t need money to get laid, because I have a big penis. I’m going to blow the money on frat parties. And I’m going to change the world by recklessly impregnating anonymous women. Oh yeah, I also want to give money to struggling film students, so we can make more porn. By the way, I’ve seen your penis on the Internet, and mine’s bigger. So go ahead and vote for Yul, needledick.

Jeff: Enough of this shit. Vote.

brak brak brak… Jonathan respects Yul's highly educated Asian brain, Parvati gets greasy panties for Ozzy's big Mexican hot-tub fillin' dick.

Jeff: Here’s the votes, I’m not reading them, I’m walking to California. Take a shower and I’ll see you in three months.

The Reunion Show

Wearing the exact same clothes, Jeff strides into a Hollywood studio, greeted by wild applause from an entire room full of sycophants. He blathers on about how we got here, in case anyone is just tuning in. And he reads the votes.

One for this guy, one for that guy, none for the parasite. By a 5-4-0 count, Yul Kwon is the winner of Survivor Coke Island.

Five dozen short squinty people from Chinatown rush the stage to embrace the stereotype-smashing highly educated Asian geek millionaire. We cut to a live shot of the audience in his hometown of San Mateo, California. Everyone on screen is Asian.

Meanwhile, Ozzy’s family rushes outside to flip over cars, burn a neighborhood, and find a Taco Bell.

And the rest of the season’s contestants flood the stage for a final gasp of attention.

A few clips of Yul plotting, and more wild applause, and the buffoonery begins.

Jeff: Here we are for another vapid hour of ego massage. Yul and Ozzy, you were the best players ever, and for the first time I felt bad somebody had to lose. … except you Becky. You suck.

Let’s talk about all the things that Yul did right. Using clues any idiot could figure out, you found the barely hidden immunity idol. Wasn’t that great television?

Yul: I was so lucky. And I can spell the word mitigate. I never wanted the idol to save myself, but to make things better for my team.

Jeff: Cut the crap. Vote’s over. Let’s talk about that brainless mutiny so we can show Candice’s lily-white face a few times.

Yul: Pfft. We didn’t really need that whore. We had Ozzy, the challenge whore, to win the challenges and wear the target.

Jeff: Candice, were you happy to reinforce the bubble-headed blonde bimbo stereotype?

Candice: Well, at that point, no one had noticed I was there. I needed to make my move, even if it was the dumbest move possible, just so I didn’t end up as one of those contestants everybody forgets, like the smelly foreigners sitting around me.

Jeff: That’s the way to play the game. To get noticed, you have to have big boobs. Sundra, I need to speak to you now, but you hair is atrocious, so we’re going to show clips while you speak.

Sundra: blather blather blather about team unity, the kind of team unity you get when half the team hopes to finish fourth.

Jeff: Let’s talk about Jonathan’s compulsion to alienate people.

Yul: It was easy for him to do when I put the gun to his head.

Jeff: It's always been easy for him. Have you ever seen one of his movies?
... And then you make another deal, trading Jonathan’s execution for Adam’s vote. Is that right?

Adam: I made that deal, so I voted for Yul. I wanted to vote for Ozzy, but I would never lie or break a promise.

Jeff: Ozzy, do you want to kill Adam?

Ozzy: Adam doesn’t know this, but we’d already decided to eliminate Jonathan before he made that deal with Yul. And I guess I shoulda mentioned that, because it just cost me $900,000.

Jeff: Becky, you suck.

Yul: Becky, you suck.

Jeff: Becky, you suck at building fire.

Becky: Yeah well, I almost broke a nail. Why couldn’t Ozzy just bring me a fire?

Jeff: Becky, you suck. We know you are a whore. Did Yul at least get to fuck you?

Becky: We’re just close friends. But now that he has a million dollars, I’ll lather up his egg roll anytime.

Jeff: Yul, you are one of the World’s Sexiest Men. Doesn't anyone else know you are gay? Because you looked really uncomfortable when Poverty got naked in the hot tub.

Yul: Eww. She was nasty. I’ve never seen a woman blow bubbles with that part of her anatomy. But I couldn’t leave because I thought they’d make another porno movie.

Clips of Ozzy being heroic.

Jeff: Ozzy, you are an uneducated unemployed Mexican porn star, but you seem born to play this game. How did you learn all this shit?

Ozzy: The Rio Grande, she is very deep reever senor. I lear-nd to sweem nort, un estoy contento. I learned a lot of things while on the lam from poppy farmers in Panama, and some of it I learned while doing human trafficking across the Arizona border. Most of it I learned while being a beach bum/surfing porn star. And of course, I am tremendously gifted.

Jeff: Poverty got naked and begged for it. Was that the best thing ever?

Ozzy: eh. Jenna Bush did the same thing in the alley outside a San Antonio bar. The best part of this was showing the world the glory that is Ozzy. I am, in fact, part monkey. I would rather be in the jungle, because I can fling poo and masturbate wildly, just like at home.

Jeff: It’s time for a reminder; Daddy hates you.

Ozzy: Yes, yes he does.

Jeff: Enough about you. But speaking of bastards, wasn’t Jonathan at least interesting?

Clips of Jonathan.

Jeff: Jonathan, are you a simple jackass, or are you a complete jackass?

Jonathan: It was a game, and I played it the only way I knew how. As a complete jackass. But at least I’m not Becky.

Jeff: Yeah, she sucks. … Now I have to talk to some other people. Jenny, why do you look like a Manila whore?

Jenny: Me love you long time, fo dolla. Did you know I was on Survivor? If I’d been in that hot tub, I would have won that “balance on a pole” challenge right there.

Jeff: I’ve already forgotten you. And I’d like to forget Sekou, but I at least I won’t have to talk to him if I let him sing his lame song for 7 seconds.

Sekou: Surrrrr. Viiii. Vurrrr. Sing it with me. Surrrrr. Viiii. Vurrrr.

Crowd: mumbleyawnmumble.

Clips of Cao Boi.

Jeff: Cao Boi, you freaky gook imbecile, you’ve set back the progress of humanity about 800 years. Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you now.

Cao Boi: All my life I’ve been a fuck-up, but I’m too deranged to care. I must have eaten too many flea collars.

Jeff: People really hate you. Yul, tell me you hate this jackass.

Yul: I knew some lame retard was going to humiliate his race. I’m just glad it wasn’t me. Because, you know, I formed a multi-ethnic coalition, and through that microcosm of a diverse universe, I achieved more power than the prophet Mohammed. In some small way I hope we proved that it’s not the color of your skin that matters. What matters is the ability to locate and manipulate morons wherever they exist. It’s just easier with Beaners, Chinks and Darkies.

Jeff: Nate, I hear your homies were up in your hood about not representin. Wassup wit dat?

Nate: Dey was pissed cause I said dey could all fuck Poverty. You know dey jus loves living in poverty. But dey dint knowed dat Poverty was a slamming white chick who’d fuck anyting. Den de gotz mad cause I was doin the Mandingo thing with a white chick sted a stickin wit da sistas. So’s dey want me to fuck Rebecca. Den I did Rebecca and her sista up da ass, and iz all good now.

Jeff: Stephannnnie, are you a racist?

Stephannnnie: Fo shizzle.

Jeff: Rebecca, are you a racist?

Rebecca: No, hell no. Whachoo tawkin bout, Willis? I just think Nate should have stuck with his own kind. Let da white folk pick dey own cotton.

Jeff: Brad, try to convince us you’re straight.

Brad: Isn’t Yul just dreamy? Together we could change the world’s horrible stereotype of a highly educated Asian geek who never gets any anal sex.

Jeff: Speaking of buttfucking… Candice, did coconut milk work as a lubricant for you and Adam? And did you have to smear a little aloe on there later?

Candice: Oh there was nothing like that going on. I was merely trying to make Billy jealous.

Adam: Hey, I fucked her, and she won’t stop calling.

Nate: Tell me about it. Once Poverty got blacksnaked she won’t stop rakin my dick. Dat’s one purty mouth wit all dem Chicklet teeth and those big wide lips. Damn girl, get on it!

Poverty: Ohhh God I need it now!!!

Jeff: Poverty, tell us about your box. Or your boxing. That’s really just porn, right?

Poverty: Oh hell yeah. But porn can be hard work, Jeff. Hasn’t Julie told you that already? I have to do guys and girls and take facials and squeal on cue...

Jeff: Shut up now. We’re running out of time, and I need to acknowledge other people although their comments are not worth noting. J.P. is a model, Cristina’s fellow cops made fun of her, Cecelia has a very annoying voice, Flicka’s hair is still a rat nest but she’s drugged so she doesn’t care, and Billy you fat fuck, you actually thought Pepsodent perfect Candice would ever get naked with you?

Billy: I would love to stick her foot in my mouth. And once I get the restraining order lifted, we will be together always.

Jeff: SHIT! Speaking of cursed losers, we forgot to give away the damn car this year! Ozzy, here’s an SUV so you can smuggle your family across the border.

And now, with any luck, you can wipe this reprehensible season out of your minds when I play this hyped up video of the next island nation we intend to alienate.

We’re changing the game again. This time one tribe will get all the food they can eat, while the other tribe will get all the food they can eat, plus napkins. The hidden idol thing sucked so bad, we’re doing it twice. We’re gonna give these assholes sticks and let them beat each other. That’s if the snakes don’t kill them first. And somebody does something that will change the course of human evolution and realign the planets. Maybe I’ll even get a new shirt.

We’ve gotten so desperate we’re casting homeless street beggars. Join us next time for

Survivor: Squeegee in Fiji!

Survivor Cook Island Episode Thirteen – The One Where Dweeze Gives New Meaning To Phoning It In

2006-12-18T12:08:00.000-05:00

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor: The worst wet t-shirt contest ever. Read about it here. And read the onefrom the week before, too, because it was the BEST SUMMARY EVER WRITTEN. Okay, back at camp. Post-Jonathan camp is a peaceful, beautiful place, whereeveryone dreams of finally getting past the turmoil and setting the world right again. Sort of like the United States will be on January 21, 2009.

You know, I’m just going to phone this one in. I need to get it posted before the finale summary goes up, and it’s not like very many are reading anyway. So here goes.

Adam/Parvati angle to stay in game.

Adam/Paravti realize one of them needs to win reward or Adam is going to Exile Island again. Or going to see Exile perform again, which would be just as bad.

Mud wrestling – oh boy! Okay, collect mud on your body, dump it in a bucket, see which bucket weighs the most. Winner goes to spa. So do second and third place finishers. None of this “choose who goes with you” stuff.
Parvati has a nice body. Sundra may as well, though it’s tough to tell.

Ozzy wins – surprise! Yul and Parvati finish second and third. Adam goes to Exile. Sundra and Becky go back to camp.

Becky tells Sundra that Ozzy is too competitive and that they should vote him out. Maybe toss the Raro’s first?Cut to spa. Naked hot-tubbing as clothes are washed. Parvati half-heartedly hits on Ozzy. Yul is repulsed.

Back to camp, Becky is tense. Probably jealous of Yul in hot tub with naked Parvati. MMMM. Naked Parvati.

Sarcastic comment set-up: After the winners return, Parvati is in the shelter, sleeping. Sundra asks where Parvati is. Becky says Parvati is resting after her hard day at the spa.

Immunity challenge. Yet another balance, carry bundles challenge. This has the added pleasure of having contestants make a maze, then roll two balls down the maze into two holes. How about we don’t even bother having the challenge, just let Ozzy keep the immunity necklace, and head right to tribal council?

Ozzy wins!

Various efforts by Adam and Parvati to forestall their inevitable demise from the game. Yul tells Parvati she is the bigger threat, giving us the answer to the question “How dumb is Adam?” “Adam is so dumb, he makes Parvati look like a strategic genius.”

Off to tribal council, but first, Yul grabs Jonathan’s hat since Jonathan said he wanted his hat back. Yul worries Probst will accuse them of trying to influence the jury, so Yul just leaves the hat on the jury bench and sits down. That way, no one will know who brought it.

Jonathan sees hat, laughs. Funny hat!

Jeff: Jonathan, Yul brought you your hat. He’s trying to sway votes.

Yul: No I’m not.

Becky: Yes he is.

Yul: No I’m not!

Sundra: Yes he is!

Yul: No I’m not!!

Ozzy: Yes he is!!

Yul: NO I’M NOT!

Adam and Parvati: YES HE IS!!!

Yul: Maybe I am.

Jeff: You know, ultimately I’m as bored as Dweeze is. Let’s wrap this up. Parvati, fuck anyone at the reward?

Parvati: I tried, but Ozzy got drunk and I think Yul’s gay.

Yul: NO I’M NOT!

Becky: That would explain his ability to resist my feminine charms.

Jeff: Adam, considering you’re a pretty physically healthy guy, you’ve got to believe your inability to win a challenge makes you a major loser.

Adam: Sure does, Jeff. Sure does.

Jeff: All right. Let’s vote.

They vote, Jeff reads, Parvati goes home.

On the next Survivor: The usual finale blather, with all the remainingcontestants and a one-word description of them. Plus, we are told five contestants, three tribal councils, and one big surprise. Uhm, didn't youjust give away the one big surprise? If there are only three tribal councilsleft, that means we either have a double-boot coming up (one tribal council to get from five to three, one tribal council to get from three to two, andthen the final tribal council) or else we are going to have our first finalthree (one tribal council to get from five to four, one tribal council to get from four to three, and then the final tribal council). Even if I hadn'tread the spoilers, I would be inclined to pick the latter. After all,there's too much of a risk that you will have two immunity idols in play at the next two tribal councils, Yul's and Ozzy's. That'd be a huge unfairadvantage to the remaining three, and while I think it's cool to be thatvicious earlier in the game, at this late a date it's way too harsh. The problem with a three-person finale, on the other hand, is that you've gotthe possibility of a tie, either a three-way tie at 3 votes apiece, or atwo-way tie at four votes for one person, four votes for another person, and one vote for the other person. If that's the result, how do you break thetie? Interesting question. Interesting question.

Oh, and Parvati got to speak again before she left.

Survivor Cook Island Episode Thirteen – The One With The Worst Wet T-Shirt Contest Ever

2006-12-08T14:52:00.000-05:00

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor

Hmm. I wonder if anyone wrote the MOST AWESOME SUMMARY IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMARY WRITING about last week’s episode? Oh, and Candice got booted.

We open at camp after tribal council. Jonathan tells us that he was called all kinds of names, and that he is now the bad guy. He says no one knows what it’s like to be the bad guy, to be the sad guy, behind blue eyes. Roger Daltrey does, Jonathan. Roger Daltrey does. Anyway, he adds that everyone else is acting like he is the only one who lied, he is the only one who tried to manipulate things his way, but they all know it’s not true. Still, he’s going to keep his chin up and keep punching, and he’s not going to let a bunch of kids keep him down. Or ruin his lawn. Or hide his paper.

Next morning, the women are chopping coconuts, just like womenfolk should. Parvati, unfamiliar with the concept of work, decides to chop her thumb off. You know, just for kicks. The quick thinking cameramen spring to work, making sure they get their shots and ignore the contestant writhing in pain. Eventually the crack Survivor medical team arrives and the doctor leaves Parvati in stitches. Literally. He sews up her thumb, puts a bandage and wrap on it, then has an administrative assistant ask her for her co-payment.

Cut to the reward challenge. The survivors walk in, and Jeff asks Parvati about her thumb. She gives him a thumb’s up, and he asks if she can get it wet. He’s apparently talking about the thumb, but you never know for sure. No, he does mean the thumb, because the challenge involves water. The survivors must fill a bucket from the lagoon, then dump the water into another bucket. That bucket is attached to a lever which is attached to a pole which has a flag attached to it. When the bucket has enough water in it, the bucket will drop, pulling the pole and the flag up. The pole must touch the wood base in order to have the flag raised completely. The first person to touch wood and get their flag fully erect wins reward and gets to both eat out in a spectacular cave and eject someone to exile. And yes, that’s all code.

This is either the easiest challenge ever or there is some complication coming. Hmm. Seven people and one episode left after tonight before the finale. Can you say family visit? Of course you can, and you should.

First out is Jonathan’s wife, director Stacy Title. You may know her from such hits as The Devil Wear Black (see the discussion in the previous summary of this cinematic masterpiece), Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror, and The Last Supper. Hey! I had actually heard of The Last Supper, the film where a bunch of leftists kill rightwingers. (See the trailer here, after a brief Moviefone commercial. Look for a bearded Jonathan as Marc being taken hostage, killing Bill Paxton, and then a quick shot after Cameron Diaz.) Next out is Parvati’s dad Mike; Adam’s dad George; Becky’s sister Sarah, who was given two mules by the production staff; Yul’s brother Godwin, er, Paul; Ozzy’s mom Gina, seemingly fresh from her shift at the strip club; and Sundra’s mom, Jeanette.

Our family members are the complicating factor to the challenge. The survivors will be have to toss the water they pull out of the lagoon to their family member, who will then toss the water into the bucket attached to the pole with the flag. The winning survivor will get to enjoy the reward with their family member.

I just realized something. This is honestly and truly a family visit; we have four parents, two siblings, one spouse, and no best friends/fiancées/business partners/in-laws/guys-coming-to-tell-us-our-grandmother-died-in-order-to-scam-the-other-contestants.

Just in case this wasn’t difficult enough, the survivor will be blindfolded, relying only on the verbal cues of the family member to get the water in the bucket. Sadly, I think the chances of anyone saying “It’s puts the water in the bucket or it gets the hose again” are slim.

Survivors ready? Begin. And with that, the worst wet t-shirt contest ever begins. Our only clue on the status of the challenge is Jeff’s commentary. He tells us that Ozzy-Gina, Parvati-Mike, and Jonathan-Staci are all doing well. He then helpfully points out to the other contestants that Staci is wringing the water out of her shirt into the bucket. This prompts Gina to do the same thing, which enables us to see the worst unpixalated thing on the show since we saw Lillian swimming. Gina leans into the bucket and tries to sassily, and sexily, wring water out of her shirt into the bucket.

I have to confess I’m not sure what happened next, because I was too busy trying to unsee what I had just seen. Somehow, Parvati and her dad, Mike, pulled out the win. In a move no one was surprised by, she chooses to send Jonathan to Exile Island, causing everyone to dance. Dance, everyone!

Staci doesn’t get to accompany Jonathan to Exile Island, which is probably a good thing. The two of them would have had an impromptu conjugal visit, and none of us wants to see that. Instead, Jonathan kisses her and walks off to the no-longer-quit-boat. Probst then tells Parvati that two others and their family members will go on the reward with her, but that her dad will choose who they are. Ozzy and Yul! Ozzy and Yul! Nope, he picks Sundra and Adam.

You know, this next bit is the same stuff we’ve seen before. A bunch of folks who haven’t been to camp before come to camp and learn something special about their loved ones. They then go to a reward. A bunch of talking is done about the person not there. The only thing unique is that, while Adam, Parvati, and Sundra are off at the reward, Yul, Ozzy, and Becky decide to hide all the food. It’s one of the coolest, and best, strategic decisions anyone has ever made in the game. Why feed your competitors? They immediately drop the plan, however, when Adam, Parvati, and Sundra return from the reward with a bag full of extra food. And a pocketful of kryptonite.

Okay, immunity challenge time. This one involves racing out over the lagoon on a series of floating obstacles, retrieving a bundle of sticks, then racing back. They have to do this twice, getting two bundles. Once both bundles are back, they use the sticks to make a long pole (heh), then use their long pole (heh heh) to retrieve two rings. If at any point they fall into the water, they have to go back to the beach and start that trip again. I’m not sure why they don’t just give the damn idol to Ozzy right now and be done with it.

Indeed, Ozzy gets off to fast start. Yul does too, but he quickly falls into the water. Becky, Parvati, and Sundra have apparently realized they can’t possibly win, preferring instead to try to keep from getting wet. It’s a wise course of action, because Yul is the only other person to get both bundles of sticks back to the beach by the time Ozzy has gotten his long pole (heh) together and won immunity. The only truly fun thing about the challenge was hearing Jeff talk about Ozzy getting his pole together (heh heh), wondering if Ozzy’s pole was long enough (heh heh heh), and then wondering if Yul could get his pole together before Ozzy was able to slip his pole into the key rings (heh heh heh heh - Aw, hell. Let’s just turn it over to the experts.

All right. Time for the usual pre-tribal council bullshit. Jonathan’s loser sense tells him something has changed around camp. We get several shots of people blatantly ignoring him when he asks them questions. Both he and Adam approach Yul, pleading their cases. Their cases, on the other hand, say nothing on their own behalf. It’s all pretty standard maneuvering, and I can’t really get too worked up about it. Let’s just go to tribal council.

Jeff: Apparently Dweeze wants to cover ten minutes of show with one paragraph. Can’t say I blame him. Parvati, which was better, spending time with your dad or getting the good food?

Parvati: My dad, Jeff. I can’t fuck food. Except for bananas and certain squashes, of course. Oh, and one time a baguette. But I was young, and in an experimental phase.

Jeff: Oh kay. Moving on. Why send Jonathan to Exile? Did you consider anyone else?

Parvati: I’m a moron, Jeff, but even I’m not that dumb.

Jeff: Ozzy, was camp life with Jonathan the bestest, most glorious day ever or the most glorious, bestest day ever?

Ozzy: Both Jeff. Both.

Jeff: What have you learned about yourself, Jonathan?

Jonathan: That I’m okay, and they’re all jerks. I deserve to be here! Tell me why I don’t deserve to be here!

Adam: You don’t deserve to be here because you are a constant flopper and it’s frustrating to see my friends and former teammates on the jury.

Dweeze: You stup-

Jonathan: I got it Dweeze. Your teammates? You mean like Brad, Jenny, and Rebecca?

Jeff: Yul, do you want to say anything stupid you will regret later?

Yul: Sure, Jeff. I have the idol and I am in control. Everyone must bow down before me. I am the biggest threat to win it all!

Allrighty then, time to vote. Who should they vote for, Adam or Jonathan? I know. They need to vote for the instant karma party right now! Hit it!

Votes are cast, tallied, and read. In that order, because it wouldn’t make sense any other way. Jonathan is the one going, much to his surprise. Adam and Candice eye-fuck at the news, although when Candice eye-says-call-me, Adam looks away. Jeff snuffs Jonathan’s torch, Jonathan asks that he get his hat back (he didn’t bring his stuff with him to tribal), and Jeff tells us that trust should be an issue for everyone left in the game. Right. Like it wasn’t before.

On the next Survivor, Adam and Parvati were apparently lying when they said that if Jonathan were voted out, they wouldn’t try to advance their own cause any. I’m shocked – SHOCKED – that these two might go back on their word. On, and Yul is apparently scared of Ozzy. He should be, of course, because at this point I don’t see how Ozzy doesn’t win this thing.

As we fade into people stuck in cement in Vegas, Jonathan tells us that the others were terrible liars and that they should have told him to his face that he was going. He rants for so long, I half-expected the orchestra to start playing to cut him off. He says that now they’ll have a peaceful camp, but they’ll have to deal with the fact that everyone back stabs, not just him, and that four of them will join him on the jury.

Awww. Sounds like Jonathan needs some cheering up. Here’s a little something to say goodbye to him by.

Survivor Cook Island Episode Twelve – The One With The Self-Absorbed Bitches and A Ton of Videos

2006-12-05T14:20:00.000-05:00

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

Jonathan, in one of the best pieces of gameplay we’ve seen in several seasons, jumped ship (again) in order to improve his chances in the game. We anticipate that this will not go over well with his former tribemates. Let’s look in!

We open at camp after tribal council. Do you suppose they ever want to just go out to the Ground Round after tribal council, get some beers and appetizers, and relax? Yeah, probably not. Too long of a walk. Anyway, Jonathan tells us that he would rather see Aitu win that his former Raro tribemates, and that he believes he made the right choice in switching. Right on both scores, Jonathan.

We next see Sundra, Ozzy, and Yul talking,. Sundra says it was tough to contain herself when she saw the stunned looks on the faces of Raro. Yul says in confessional that he wanted to use the idol in a way that would change the game in his favor. It speaks volumes that he was able to put the idol into play without ever actually putting the idol into play. That’s what brains will get you.

Speaking of brains, or more precisely, the lack thereof, we cut to Parvati lecturing Jonathan about integrity. That’s like W. lecturing Glenn Greenwald about the importance of the Constitution. Anyway, Parvati begins by telling Jonathan that no one likes him and that she hopes he’ll be happy with second place, because he isn’t going to win. Let’s do the math, shall we? Now, I for one do not necessarily believe, as Jonathan does, that Jonathan would have been Aitu’s target if he had declined Yul’s offer to jump ship. Aitu has played a great strategic game, and if Jonathan had declined, I think they probably would have targeted Adam in a “get-rid-of-the-guy-who-can-win-individual-immunity-challenges” vote. Besides, you would want to keep him around to try to get him to flop again when it was 4-4 between the tribes. But Jonathan was going to go soon, and he would not have lasted until second place. Indeed, if Yul did not have the idol, and the Raro’s had been able to pull a straight Pagonging and eliminate the four Aituans before voting off a Raro, Jonathan would have, at best, made it to fifth place, and if you ask me, even that is doubtful, because they probably would have decided, when they had a 5-2 vote advantage, to vote him out then. So yes Parvati, I imagine Jonathan is quite happy that he was able to advance his position in the game by flipping sides.

But is that the end of the bullshit trickling out of her mouth? Not a chance. She then tells him that she is disappointed in him, that his betrayals are vile to her, that they make her sick to her stomach. Well, Parvati, just how do you suppose that Brad, Rebecca, and Jenny feel about the way you betrayed them?

But does it end there? Not a chance. Parvati then tells us in confessional that she wanted to throw up all over Jonathan’s face, but, she didn’t because usually when she does that it costs the client an extra five bills and she wasn’t going to do it to Jonathan for free.

We cut back to Jonathan telling her, and the just-arrived Adam, that if he hadn’t switched, he would have been the next one gone. Parvati scoffs at this notion, just as she scoffs at the idea that there are people in the world who have to mow their own lawns and do their own shopping. Jonathan tries to patiently explain that Yul had the idol, that if Jonathan hadn’t switched the Aituans would have voted for Jonathan and that, when Yul played the idol, Jonathan would have gone home. Parvati once again opens her mouth to say Yul didn’t have the idol, at which point Jonathan tells her that Yul did have the idol, that he showed it to him. And then he pointed out on the doll where Yul touched him. This shuts her up, for all five seconds, at which point she tells Jonathan she doesn’t believe a word he says about anything, particularly not about that sun rising in the east thing.

Cut to the next morning, where for some reason Parvati has asked Sundra to show her how to clean fish. Jonathan says in confessional that it’s 28 days in and this is the first time Parvati has shown any interest in helping.

Another cut, this time to Adam, who tells us that Jonathan sucks at life. That may be, but he certainly knows more about Survivor than you do, Adam.

Now, I don’t know about you, but all this bitching has made me hungry for a reward challenge. And Survivor does not disappoint, giving us not just a reward challenge, but the ever-popular, ever-thrilling auction reward. Yippee! Hot auction action!

Jeff gives everyone $500, at which point Parvati throws up in his face. Sorry. That’s a more disturbing image than I had thought it would be. There’s a new rule this time. Although Survivors can still borrow money from each other, auction items cannot be shared. As always, the auction can end without warning at any time. Also as always, it is an exhibition, not a competition. Please. No wagering.

The first item up for bid is unknown. The bidding goes up until Jonathan bids $100. This is the winning bid, and the item is a hot dog, fries, and a beer. Hmm. Hot dog, fries, and a beer for $100. They must have picked the item up at Wrigley. Jonathan picks the food up, takes it back to his spot, and promptly spills beer all over Adam and Candice.

The next item is a bubble bath and a piece of chocolate cake. Parvati, who wants to be the girl with the most cake, opens the bidding. A bidding war opens between her, Ozzy, and Adam, then Jonathan steps in and bids $300. Parvati goes to $320, Jonathan to $340, and Parvati wins it at $360. Jeff questions whether Jonathan really wanted the item or if he just wanted Parvati to spend all money. We are then treated to an emaciated Parvati taking a bath, and for all the negative things I said earlier, I will say her body is natural.

The next item is also unknown, but there is a paw print on it, so we are given a clue. A clue, a clue! We’ll need our handy, dandy notebook! We’re all going to pay Jeff’s clues, cause it’s a really great game. The clue says “this item will give you power in the game”. Jonathan opens with a bid of $400, his remaining money. Candice responds with a bid of $500, all her money. Becky asks Yul for a loan, then bids $600. Parvati, from the bathtub, asks why Becky needs power because the Aituans have the numbers. This is the sort of highly-advanced strategic thinking that helped Raro go from an eight to four advantage to a five to three disadvantage.

Candice asks Adam for a loan, then bids $620. Becky responds with a $640 bid, and Candice goes no higher. Uhm, Candice. Do you really think that some power in the game isn’t worth bidding as much as you possibly can? Apparently not, because Becky’s $640 bid takes it. Jeff hands her the item, which is a note telling her that she gets to send one person to Exile Island and take their money. By this time, not only do all the Aituans say “Candice” in unison, so does every crew member, Jeff, any passing natives, and all local fauna. The Aituans are so happy to see Candice go, the can’t help but dance! (Hat tip to Firedoglake.)

Candice hands Becky her money, then prepares to take off. Jeff tells her that at least she can search for the hidden immunity idol, prompting laughter from everyone. Candice says she knows where the idol is, and Yul pops up, saying he wants to end all suspense and say that he has the idol. Jeff asks for him to show it, meaning that Yul has now shown his immunity idol (not code) to every living person on the island. Jeff asks why he was willing to reveal that, and Yul explains that he wanted to save the idol until he could make a game-changing move with it and that, he had already made a game-changing move with it so there was no longer any reason to keep it secret.

Candice leaves, and the auction continues. Next up is a soft-serve ice cream machine. Once again Jonathan makes a huge bid, which Ozzy trumps. Ozzy shows his style, and reveals his inner child, by placing his mouth on the spigot to eat the ice cream.

This brings up another mystery item, which Jonathan wins for $240. It’s a huge slice of pizza, and he eats it in the most obnoxious manner he possibly can. I begin to wonder if Jonathan hasn’t chosen to play up his obnoxiousness in order to make him a more attractive final two candidate for the others. The item after that is another mystery, which Sundra buys for $140. It is a sea cucumber straight from the beach. After that is a toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash. Everyone chips in to allow Jonathan to buy it. After that the auction is over, and with that, the reward challenge is over.

Back to the beach after the challenge. Yul tells us it was difficult watching other people eat. Perhaps you should have spent some of your cash, then? Jonathan says nothing, just belches. Then belches again. Actually, that second belch may have been me. Nonetheless, Becky tells us she can smell the Pepperoni on his breath. I can’t wait until later, when she can tell us what she smells in his farts. She and Sundra corner Yul and ask him if he really wants to take Jonathan to the final four. Final four? Didn’t you watch last week, when Yul told Jonathan he was the perfect final two partner?

Adam and Parvati witness the threesome talking, and ponder whether this portends a fortuitous fracturing in the foundation of the Aitu alliance and, if so, if it be something that they might deftly turn to their advantage. And yes, I know that Adam and Parvati would not have understood a word I just wrote beyond in, of, and, and it. Parvati approaches Sundra and Becky and tells them that if Jonathan reaches the final four, she’ll shoot herself. They both agree that this is the best argument in favor of taking Jonathan to the final four anyone could possibly make.

Parvati leaves, and Sundra and Becky agree with her basic premise, that they don’t like Jonathan. Yul joins the discussion, and also agrees that he doesn’t like Jonathan. Jonathan then joins the discussion, and he agrees with the other three that he doesn’t like himself. But he does dislike other people more.

Cut to Candice at Exile Island. Hard to tell if this is footage from this or one of the hundred previous visits Candice made to Exile Island. I do know that the producers decided to start charging her rent there. Candice tells us in confessional, though can it really be considered a confessional when no one else is around, that she really needs immunity, which is a good a sign as any that the immunity challenge is almost here.

And now it is here. At least the treemail is, which tells everyone that they need to recall key moments in the game, because their past will affect their future. I think “their past will affect their future” was a tag line for last week’s episode of Heroes. Anyway, it appears to be a mental challenge, which means Adam and Parvati are doomed, unless of course Aitu realizes they don’t need to put any effort into winning the challenge, that instead they can blow it off and relax and watch Adam, Parvati, and Candice do all the work.

We get to challenge beach, and Jeff explains the challenge. It is a mental challenge. Jeff will ask questions, each with a number for an answer. The survivors will then add, subtract, or divide their answers to get a final number. They then open a box with that number on it. If they are correct, they get a key, which unlocks a rope, that then raises a flag. The first three to raise their flag (not code) go on to the next round, when the whole thing begins again, this time with an obstacle course between the box with the key and the flag.

The challenge begins and the four Aituans sit down to a nice brunch to work on the morning crossword puzzle. Well, not really. They all make lazy attempts to solve the puzzle, but none of them seem particularly worried about winning immunity. Jeff asks the questions, which include “How much did Cao Boi charge U.S. soldiers for a night with his sister?” and “How many venereal diseases has Flicka had in her life?” and “Expressed as a number, how gay is Brad?” Jonathan, Adam, and Parvati are able to advance to the next round, where the questions included “How much did Billy weigh?” and “How many of the beginning contestants were totally forgettable?” (this was a trick question – the answer, of course, was all of them) and “How many ‘n’’s in Stephannnnnnnie’s first name?” Thanks to Aitu’s intentional tanking, Adam is able to win this challenge.

Back at camp, Candice tells us in confessional that she is upset that it appears Jonathan will go farther in the game than her. You icky, icky Jonathan! You and your “gameplay” and “strategy” and “trying to advance your position in the game”! How dare you outlast sweet, innocent, self-absorbed Candice?

Adam, Parvati, and Candice attack, I mean, approach Yul and try to convince him that Jonathan should go next. Candice says Jonathan is a disgusting rat, which is a horrible thing to say about the executive producer of Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror and the writer, executive producer, and star of Let The Devil Wear Black.

Just because I think you all need to read it, here’s the plot summary for 1999’s Let The Devil Wear Black (courtesy of IMDB).

A college student (Jonathan Penner) launches an investigation into his wealthy father's death when he suspects his mother (Jacqueline Bisset) and his uncle (Jamey Sheridan) may have been involved. His suspicions seem cemented when the two announce their impending marriage only shortly after the death. The student's girl friend (Mary-Louise Parker) is also revealed to be increasingly unstable as the investigation progresses.

Two things to note: First, can you say Hamlet-ripoff? Second, Jonathan playing a college student in a 1999 film when he was 37 YEARS OLD? Nice cast though; Jacqueline Bisset was hot - in 1977. The shots of her swimming in The Deep fueled an 18-year old Dweeze’s fantasies on many a night.

But I digress.

All three say that Jonathan should be voted off before they go, prompting Yul to ask why they think voting Jonathan off next will help them. They say it won’t, they just want him gone, and that if Yul helps they get rid of Jonathan next, they will vote for Yul at the final tribal council. Right. You’ll just lie down, let yourselves be voted off as the next three contestants, and not make any effort to try to get someone to switch at seven people.

You know, having typed that, I don’t think any of the three of Adam, Parvati, and Candice are clever enough to be thinking that far ahead. But it’s still an absolutely idiotic suggestion to make.

Yul tells them he knows how Jonathan will act, that Jonathan is a rational self-interested player. Candice apparently takes this to be an insult. Jonathan then walks up, has a brief encounter with Adam’s coconut (once again, not code), then walks off to prepare the fish he caught. As he does so, Adam, Parvati, and Candice retire to the shelter, where Parvati gets to watch Adam and Candice make out.

Jonathan prepares his fish (also not code) and asks the Aituans if they really need to share the fish, Share The Fish being my favorite Guess Who song. Actually it isn’t. That would be No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature with Star Baby a close second. Let’s listen, shall we?

Anyway, Ozzy says that no, there is no such thing as a free lunch. I much prefer the expression “there is no such thing as a free brunch” but that’s just me. Candice, Adam, and Parvati smell the vittles cooking and come out and confront the group. First Candice comes out, waving her hand up in everyone’s grill, saying “why you fools eating without us” which Jonathan ignores, asking back if she called him a disgusting rat, and she gets up in his face, saying he is a betrayer and no one likes him and Yul called him selfish at which point Yul tells her not to speak for him and corrects her and says he called Jonathan rational and self-centered with Candice still apparently thinks is an insult but Jonathan ignores it and instead talks about how they all came back from the challenge and the Aituans and he started to work and Adam, Parvati, and Candice just lay around doing nothing causing Candice to say that everyone lies down sometime at which point Jonathan says that’s bollocks, which honest to God is the first time I’ve heard anyone use bollocks in a sentence since I was a freshman in college and Never Mind The Bollocks, It’s The Sex Pistols had just come out and a friend of mine kept going around saying “God save the queen, she ain’t no human being” everywhere but Jonathan just said it and he goes on telling Candice that the rest of them work hard everyday and she says he just works hard to weasel his way into groups and out of the line of fire and Candice, bitch, what the hell is wrong with weaseling anyway because as Homer Simpson once said “Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel” so there at which point Jonathan thanks her for not namecalling and Candice says I’m not namecalling you stupid weasel at which point Jonathan really flies off the handle and says he is not acting any differently now than he has acted for the previous 30 days at which point he leaves in a huff, or maybe a minute and a huff.

Cut to Yul telling Becky that he has no idea how he is going to get on the jury’s good side. One thing at a time, dude. One thing at a time.

Off to tribal council, my favorite part of every summary, except for the html parts of the dialogue.

Jeff: Becky, why did you send Candice to Exile Island again?

Becky: I hate her. Duh. Can we dance again about it?

Jeff: Sure.

Jeff: Candice, how does it feel to be hated?

Candice: Ask Jonathan, not me. It’s not like I betrayed anyone.

Ozzy, Sundra, Becky, Yul: Ahem.

Jeff: Ozzy. Any cool fights at camp this afternoon.

Ozzy: Didn’t you read the rest of the summary?

Jeff: I tried, but when Dweeze does the extended run-on sentence bit it makes my eyes glaze over.

Candice: I didn’t get any fish?

Jeff: No fish? Are you a fucking seal? I’ll be sure to call the whambulance for you.

Parvati: We weren’t invited to dinner!

Jeff: Did you do anything to help catch or make dinner? You know, like work?

Parvati: I’m not familiar with this work concept, Jeff, but your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Adam: Everyone but Jonathan was happy with the amount of work we do around camp?

Ozzy, Sundra, Becky, Yul: The hell?

Parvati: You know, I’m half Jonathan’s age, but I’m twice as mature.

Jeff: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Jonathan: If I may show my immaturity, we all realize that they are hurt and disappointed that events turned against them. But that’s no excuse not to work around camp. Why should the people working feed the people who aren’t working?

Candice: No, they are all so arrogant, they have the numbers, and they don’t want to feed us.

Jeff: I see the footage, you stupid fuckers. I saw the footage when the group of you were so confident you had the game in hand you weren’t even willing to consider it when Jonathan said that you should take into account that Yul might have the idol. I saw the footage when the group of you had the numbers and you sat around doing nothing, and I saw the footage now when the group of you didn’t have the numbers and you all sat around doing nothing. I SEE THE FUCKING FOOTAGE!!! Sitting around doing nothing seems to be all that you are capable of doing. So why should they feed you?

Adam: Jonathan’s a rat. A cancerous rat. A cancerous rat with cancer. Bad cancer too, not one of the good ones.

Jeff: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Dweeze: I’ll step in here while Jeff’s hyperventilating. You know, calling Jonathan, the man who played Detective Travis on CSI and Newt Glick on CSI: New York, a rat is rather unfair. I mean, where would the WB’s ill-fated attempt at reviving The Lone Ranger have been without Jonathan’s screenwriting skills. The man is an Oscar Nominee in the very competitive live action short category!

Parvati: He did outwit us.

Dweeze: The baby bird Cao Boi almost killed could outwit you, Parvati. You, Candice, and Adam are morons. Idiots. Imbeciles. Mother fuc-

Jeff: I got it Dweeze. I’m back. Okay, Yul, there appears to be three groups here. The Aituans, the Raroans, and the Jonathans.

Dweeze: Lieberman, party of one!

Jeff: I’ve got it, Dweeze! Anyway, Yul, you appear to be the U.N. what with being all international and smart and trying to make things nice and everything.

Yul: Well, the things we tell Raro are not necessarily the things we are actually considering or feeling. We can’t really be honest with them.

Parvati: Yul’s the puppetmaster, pulling everyone’s strings.

Dweeze: I’ve got some string for the two of us, Parvati…

Jeff: DWEEZE!

Yul: You can’t blame me for trying to win the game.

Parvati: Sure I can. But I do respect you for it.

Dweeze: And I’ll respe…

Jeff: DWEEZE!

Adam: I respect you too, Yul. I respect all of you Aituans. And I’d really respect you if you voted the cancerous rat out tonight, then voted each other out until it was just me and the hos left.

Jeff: Jonathan, you’ve taken a lot of abuse today. Any thoughts?

Jonathan: Do my farts still smell like pepperoni?

Candice: We’ve tried to do everything we can to turn things around, but the Aituans will do what they want, but they should know that the jury is watching everything they do. I’m not saying that because it’s a, you know, one of those things…

Jeff: A threat?

Candice: Right, one of those. I’m just saying it because that’s how it is and how it is going to be on the jury with me, Adam, Parfaiti, and the black dude.

Jeff: You mean the jury that is going to consist of three Raroans who were betrayed by you four, two Aituans who were in battle with you four, and, in all probability, Jonathan, making it a 6-4 vote against you guys?

Candice: Exactly. Hey! They said there would be no math!

Jeff: Let’s throw it back over to Dweeze for his final thoughts.

Dweeze: Thanks Jeff. Adam, you are a lazy, shiftless idiot with no discernable goals other than nailing hot chicks. I salute you. Candice, you are a self-absorbed, insufferable bitch. Parvati, if Shallow weren’t your last name, it would have to be given to you. Go Aitu. Back to you Jeff.

Jeff: Time to vote! Bring in Dieter and the monkey. And maybe Ben Stiller as Butch Patrick.

The votes are cast, the tallymon is called, the votes are read, Candice gets up to leave, but before she does she and Adam shag one last time on the ground tribal council.

Jeff: You know he’s never going to call, right?

Candice: Yes he will. He loves me. He would have done anything to keep me from being voted out.

Jeff: Like give you the immunity necklace?

Candice: Exactly! Hey, wait a minute…

Jeff: Adam, you going to call Candice?

Adam: Who?

On the next Survivor: Parvati turns into a cutter.

As we fade into the lights of Vegas, Candice tells us that she had a great time and she can look at herself in the mirror and be comfortable with the way she played. Losers can look at themselves in the mirror and be comfortable with the way they played, Candice. Winners can hire people to look at themselves in the mirror for them.

Oh, and coffee is for closers.

Survivor Cook Island Episode Eleven - I Know You're As Sick Of Reading My Summaries As I Am of Writing Them

2006-11-27T15:35:00.000-05:00

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

The producers brought forth the most vicious, most random twist since the purple rock of death. More vicious and more random than Wanda and the unremarkable lug not getting to play Survivor: Guadalcanal because they were chosen last? Oh yeah.

We open at Raro. Jonathan is fishing for security. And fish. He brings some back, only to find that no one has started a fire. Apparently they thought it had always been burning since the world was turning. Jonathan is incensed. He starts in on the tribe about the need to work, the need to wake up early and not sleep in, and the need to quit listening to that rock and/or roll music and accomplish something with their lives. Meanwhile, at home, Jonathan’s kids shed a tear at the pain of seeing their father share his lectures with other people.

Over at Aitu, Yul feels under the weather. His head hurts, his feet stink, and he don’t love Jesus. Or maybe that’s Jimmy Buffet? I get confused. Actually, Yul’s legs hurt. In confessional, Sundra tells us that they are still the underdogs due to Raro’s overwhelming numbers.

Cut to the Reward Challenge. Or is it? Hmmmm. Aitu comes onto the challenge beach, and Jeff ushers in the new Raro. Yul, who can count, says “Two?” Jeff confirms that two people were voted off and stresses how important the last immunity win was for Aitu. “You’d be down to two against seven if you had lost” and adds his signature expression, that the game is up for grabs. I hope someday, someone does an eulogy for Jeff and uses the expression “up for grabs” as in “And now his soul is up for grabs”. That’d be cool.

Finally, Jeff tells us it’s time to merge. Apparently he’s seen the promos. He instructs everyone to drop their buffs, then tosses them new ones. When asked which beach they want to live on, Nate immediately says Raro. Yul, again demonstrating a level of intelligence uncommon among Survivor contestants, asks Candice and Jonathan, who have lived on both beaches, which they prefer. They say Raro’s, because it has more coconuts and less rats. Finally! A marketing slogan I can get behind.

Jeff calls in the quit boat, tricked out as a feast catamaran. We hear from various people about the experience: Nate says Yul has class. Jonathan says he is ready for the individual game and then gets disgusted when his Raro tribemates get very drunk. Yul tells us that things are still bleak and that Aitu needs to find a chink in Raro’s armor.

Yes, he said that, and yes, I’m going to let it pass.

The newly merged tribe chooses the name Aitutonga. Nate shows Aitu around the beach: “Here’s the sand. Over there’s the water. Those are the trees.” In confessional he tells us that he, Adam, and Parvati are close and that Jonathan and Candice are in no position to switch back over to the Aituans. Dood. Ever hear of Rob Cesspoolrino? Nate closes by telling us he feels it is importance to keep his friends close and his enemies closer. Nate has read “The Art Of War For Dummies”.

We next see Nate talking with Ozzy, implying that the two of them should form their own final four plans with Sundra and Parvati. Nate, Nate, Nate. You’re looking too far ahead. Ozzy replies noncommittally.

Cut back to camp, where Parvati and Adam are cuddling. She tells him that she knows what’s on his mind. Parvati, Parvati, Parvati. Everyone knows what’s on Adam’s mind. Adam later tells us in confessional that he was drunk, but he tells Parvati that both she and Candice can “appreciate” him. I must admit, I would be willing to “appreciate” Candice and Parvati at the same time.

We next look in at Yul talking with Becky about letting Ozzy and Sundra know he has the hidden immunity idol. Yul thinks he can get Jonathan to switch. Becky agrees. This leads to Yul talking to Jonathan about hypothetical situations. Yul asks Jonathan what he would do if, hypothetically, Yul had the hidden immunity idol. He asks if he could, hypothetically, trust Jonathan with that information. Jonathan replies that he would need to hypothetically think about it. I think that only someone who doesn’t know the meaning of the word hypothetical would think that Yul doesn’t actually have the idol. Jonathan then tells us that if he flips sides again, his Raro mates will flip out.

The next day, Yul decides to show Sundra his hidden immunity idol. I showed a girl my hidden immunity idol once, and I have the restraining order to prove it. Yul tells her he wants the Aituans to be the final four and explains his plan to get Jonathan to flip. He does the same with Ozzy. Both are cool with the idea of getting Jonathan to flip to give them the numbers.

Cut to Candice and Parvati, enjoying a wet t-shirt contest. Candice doesn’t like that Jonathan is talking with Yul, and the two ladies agree that Yul should be their target. We then see Candice talking to Jonathan about his discussions with Yul. Jonathan admits that Yul was trying to get him to switch, but then resists the idea Candice puts forth that Yul should be their target. Jonathan tells us that he realizes that Yul must have the idol, and that if they vote for Yul and Jonathan doesn’t flip sides, Aitu will vote for Jonathan and because of the immunity idol, Jonathan will be out of the game.

Off to the challenge. Let me guess. First immunity challenge after the merge? Hmm. Can you say endurance? True to form, we see nine tall poles with ladders. Jeff takes back the immunity idol and displays the immunity necklace. The person who gets it is the person staying on their pole the longest. Isn’t that always the case? The only rule is, no using the top of the pole to support yourself. This is rule I can get behind.

This one plays pretty true to form. Adam and Jonathan, two big guys, are the first out. Jonathan says his feet hurt because they are bigger than everyone else’s, and Yul explains that while they all have the same surface area supporting them, they all have different amounts of mass, and the people with more mass have a harder time supporting themselves because they have less surface area in relation to their bodies than the people with smaller amounts of body mass. The others look dumbfounded.

Nate is the next to fall, then Sundra, Yul, Parvati, and Becky. Only Candice and Ozzy remain, and as they hang on near the tops of their respective poles, it begins to rain. A soft, drizzling rain, a rain that soaks to your soul and floods your perspective with

Sorry. Nevermind. After two and half hours on a pole, Candice falls off. We now know what Adam sees in her. Ozzy comes down off his pole, and Jeff hands him the necklace.

Back at camp, Adam tells us that the challenge shows how much of a threat Ozzy is and how much they need to get him out. After Yul, of course. They will vote out Yul first.

Yul has other ideas, and, after all, it’s not like he’s going home tonight no matter what. Yul finally shows Jonathan the hidden immunity idol, making five the total number of people who have seen Yul’s idol. Yul tells Jonathan that he wants to take him to the final two, as he would win the vote against Jonathan. Jonathan has to be smart enough to realize that he can’t win a final two vote against anyone. He tells Yul he wants to think about things. Cut to Jonathan talking to the other Raroans, trying to convince them not to vote for Yul. He says that if Yul has the idol, and they vote for him, one of them will go home. Parvati insists that Yul doesn’t have the idol. She also insists that the sun rises in the west. We next see Adam and Candice talking to Nate regarding who they should vote out. Nate insists on Yul. For some reason, Adam and Candice are worried about Nate thinking too much. Thinking bad!

Jonathan finally tells Yul that he will switch, but he wants Nate to be the target. He feels he owes Adam something for saving him. Yul expresses some concern that Jonathan is trying to play them, but Jonathan tells us he is now in the position of having one team about to hate him no matter what may happen at tribal council. Which leads us to tribal council.

Jeff: Sundra, how has the merge changed things?

Sundra: We’re all living together now?

Jeff: Good call. Have a biscuit. Nate, tribal alliances still in play?

Nate: Fuck yeah!

Jeff: Yul, that means Aitu is still behind.

Yul: At least until Jonathan flips.

Jeff: Becky, any groupings you didn’t expect?

Becky: I didn’t expect to see Adam and Candice rolling around on the ground groping each other every waking moment.

Jeff: Adam, any response?

Adam: Not my fault she can’t attract a man.

Jeff: Parvati, how do you feel about Adam and Candice?

Parvati: I wouldn’t mind if they hadn’t kicked me out of the tent. And if Adam would quit hitting on me.

Candice: She’s just jealous cause I have the only white man capable of sustaining an erection.

Jeff: Jonathan, are you worried about Candice and Adam?

Jonathan: Jeff, if they want to paint a boot-me target on their backs, who am I to complain?

Jeff: Good point. Ozzy, how does the game changed after tonight?

Ozzy: Uhm, someone will be voted out?

Jeff: Fuck you. Nate, how do you think the game will change?

Nate: Well, if someone flips it will stir up waters.

Jeff: Thanks Captain Obvious. Jonathan, any desire to make an appeal to everyone before you become persona non gratis?

Jonathan: “I’ve enjoyed every second. I’ve bonded with younger people in a way I haven’t in years. I’ve tried to drink in every minute because I know I’ll never have another experience like this.”

Jeff: Great. Now you can use your final words to spout some bitterness. As for the rest of you

Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote! Ozzy, you do not want to give me the immunity necklace – do you want to touch my monkey?

Ozzy: I’ll just go vote, thanks.

The tribe votes, the tallymon does his thing, and now it’s time for Jeff to play show and read. The first vote is for Yuehl. The second for Yule. The third for Yuhl. We then get three Nate votes, for a three-three tie. We then get another Yule vote, another Nate vote, and then shots of Yul and Nate cringing as Jeff reads the final vote: Nate. Nate looks pissed, as does Parvati. Nate trudges off, and Jeff sends them all back to camp with stock phrase number two, “Looks like the game has changed”.

On the next Survivor: The remaining Raroans are furious with Jonathan, particularly because he starts to hang out with the Aituans.

As we fade into the drawing rooms of Vegas, Nate tells us, again quoting:

“It hurts to leave this early in the game. Jonathan, kiss my ass. You’re a dirty, stanky fruitcake who sold me out. You sold out our tribe when we brought you in, you traitorous bastard, so kiss my ass, Jonathan. Other than that, everyone I love, but that’s how it’s gotta be in this world.” Word.

Survivor Cook Island Episode Ten - The One With The Wonderfully Vicious Twist

2006-11-20T17:07:00.000-05:00

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

Dweeze got fed up and entered the Evelyn Wood School of Speed Summarizing.

We open in Raro,With Jonathan complaining,Then on to Aitu.Lotsa laughs at Aitu.
Sorry. At least I didn’t try to modify Brush Up Your Shakespeare. Anyway, Raro, Day 22. Jonathan has realized he made a horrible mistake – the Alan Alda sound-alike thing was a bad idea. So was leaving Aitu. He tells us he is a wandering Jew without a tribe, which isn’t all that impressive. It would be far more impressive to be a wandering Jew with a tribe. He also asks, rhetorically, “who knew a Jew could climb a tree and get coconuts.” As far as I remember, this is the first time he’s mentioned his religion, though it explains why he will be the first person voted out of the Caucasian clique.

Cut to Candice and Adam, bonding. Bow chicka-bow bow. Candice says she is lucky to have someone she can trust. Adam thinks he is lucky to have someone he can nail. He tells her that they need to make sure Jenny doesn’t worry too much about Candice, and he develops the wonderful plan of having Candice rub suntan lotion on him in front of Jenny to downplay Jenny’s suspicions. Later, he’ll advance the plan by making out with Candice in the tent. That Adam – always two steps ahead.

Of Brad.

Jenny delusionally tells us that if the five Raroans stick to their group, they’ll go far in the game. Hey, Jenny. That group of five has only gotten this far because there were other people to vote off. It’s not like you’re taking the challenges by storm.

Cut to Aitu, where Ozzy tells us he is happy to be the underdog. Yo, Ozzy. Have you seen Raro? You guys are underdogs only by numbers. Or, because this is CBS, by NUMB3RS. When we factor in skill level, it will be a shock if you lose another challenge to Raro. Raro is Ulong without Stephenie and Bobby Jon.

Look! Treemail. No note or anything, just a board with nautical flags and the corresponding letter. Could it be that the tribes will be asked to write something using the flags? It’s either that or the new Long John Silver’s menu. Aitu begins to practice memorizing the letters on the board. We don’t see it, but I imagine over at Raro they use it as a cutting board for Jonathan’s fish.

We come to the challenge, and Aitu sees that Brad is gone. They can’t be shocked. Really, they can’t. Dude had one foot out the door before the mutiny. Nonetheless, Yul appears to be shocked. Yul is also shocked that the challenge does not appear to involve the water. Which is shocking.

Instead, two tribe members at a time will be given a compass and a coordinate. They go to a large compass in the sand, where they are to dig up a treasure chest at the coordinate they have been given. They then bring the chest back to their tribemates. The chest has a new coordinate on it. The next group of two goes out and digs up the chest located at the new coordinate. This process repeats until a tribe has dug up four chests. They then open the chests, finding seven flags within them. The flags, when properly arranged, spell out the word victory. If not arranged properly, the flags spell out the word roctivy. Or cotivry. Or y tico vr.

So what is the reward? Well, we’re too early for a family visit and way too soon for a vehicle, but long past fire and blankets. I’d say the time is right to hang out with natives. So, show me hanging out with natives!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

The winning tribe, or as we call them, Aitu, will go hang out with natives. The losers, or Raroans, will get to hear Jonathan bitch. And if everything goes true to form, Candice will go to Exile Island.

Did I ruin it for anyone? I’m just repeating the Vegas line.

Anyway, Yul and Sundra go first for Aitu, directed by Jeff to go to North by Northwest, which is a great movie. Jonathan and Jenny go out for Raro, directed to North by Northeast. At least, that’s what Jonathan heard. Candice apparently heard something different, as she directs him to East by Northeast. Jenny agrees with her, moving to that direction, leaving Jonathan to dig by himself. This gives Yul and Sundra a huge advantage, quickly finding and digging up their chest. Meanwhile, Jonathan has finally uncovered the top of the chest where he thought it was, and Jenny comes over to help. Yul and Sundra have already returned their first chest, however, and Ozzy and Becky are already digging for their second.

Jonathan and Jenny aren’t too far behind, however, when they bring the first chest back and send Adam and Candice out. This won’t last, however; Adam and Candice are apparently unable to understand the concept of directions, digging all over the place before finally finding the chest. Indeed, they take so long that Ozzy and Becky have found and brought back the second Aitu chest and Yul and Sundra have found and brought back the third Aitu chest. That’s right – Aitu is digging for their fourth chest before Raro even has brought back their second. Futility, thy name is Raro.

Jonathan and Jenny false start, heading off the mat before Adam and Candice get back with the chest. It’s not like it matters: Ozzy and Becky are already pulling up the fourth Aitu chest. They get it back to the mat while Jonathan and Jenny play Keystone Diggers, Jenny taking dirt Jonathan has just dug out and accidentally pushing it back into the hole, then the two of them trying to pull the chest out and dropping it back. By the time they get the chest back, Aitu is already trying to spell out victory with the flags. Candice, sensing her fate, mutters that she is going to Exile Island. One is tempted to say “Smart girl, that Candice,” but considering her decision to switch tribes easily ranks among the dumbest things a Survivor contestant has ever done, I think it’s fair to say Candice has forever forfeited the right to be called a smart girl.

Indeed, she and Adam once again have trouble figuring where and how to dig, not that it matters. Aitu had this won before it began. Candice was right about one thing, though. When Jeff asks who is going to Exile Island, the Aituans shout Candice in unison, like the patron of Cheers seeing George Wendt enter the bar. Jeff asks if it is due to strategy or the betrayal, and Yul says “Betrayal and strategy are the same thing at this point.” I think I know what he means, but he could have maybe phrased that better.

Cut to Exile Island, where Candice is feeling down. She tells us that it hurts when people you like want to see you suffer. You mean, like when you get betrayed by someone you liked and trusted? Is it like that? Idiot. Moron. Imbecile. We see her scrounge for food, then cut to Aitu arriving at the native celebration.

Nothing new here from any of the previous thousand times we’ve seen this reward. Well, one thing new. Some of the native tribe women, including two who take a strong interest in Yul, are rather zaftig. Rather zaftig. They make a Yul sandwich, and I’ll leave that one to the ladies to consider.

Back to Raro, Day 23. Jonathan is certain that if he continues feeding the tribe, they will keep him around. Now that we know his heritage, there’s an Auschwitz-collaborators joke to make, but I won’t do it. Instead, let’s comment on the treemail. Here is what the actual treemail says:

Any Explorer knowsTo study about where he goes.Disappointment shows.And for the losers… the “Tribal Council Woes.”

Wow. If that’s a treemail they’re willing to show, think of the one’s they are keeping under wraps. They are given a map to study, which in the case of Raro is like giving a dog a book to read. Jenny tells us in confessional that Rebecca is not strong in challenges, and there appears to be a race in Raro to see who can seal their own doom the fastest. I mean, wasn’t Jenny just telling us about the need for the group to stay strong? Idiot. Moron. Imbecile.

Cut to the Immunity Challenge, where Jeff tells a newly-returned Candice that since she jumped tribes, she’s spent three days at Exile Island and less than 24 hours at Raro. He says this like she hasn’t gotten the better end of that deal.

But what about the challenge?

Well, we can’t stay away from the water for too long. Four person teams again. One by one, each team member swims out to a pontoon, dives down, retrieves a bag with island names, then swims back. Once all four are back, the tribe needs to identify ten islands by matching the islands with the names they collected. Aitu has the Aituans competing; Raro has Nate, Rebecca, Parvati, and Jonathan, and if that isn’t a recipe for failure, I don’t know what is. Unless the islands include “Manhattan,” “Long,” and “Fantasy,” I don’t see Raro winning this one, even if they can compete on the physical portion of the challenge.

Ozzy and Nate are off first, in probably the least lopsided match-up. Ozzy wins nonetheless. Indeed, Yul is retrieving the second bag before Nate even is back at shore. And though there is a brief moment when Sundra has difficulty retrieving her bundle of names, Raro wastes it when Rebecca is unable to retrieve her bundle. She is still swimming back to shore when Aitu asks Jeff to check their work to see if they won. He does and they did. They take the immunity idol and head off, gone for this episode. Candice instinctively grabs her stuff to go to Exile Island, then realizes she doesn’t have to go. Before Raro leaves, however, Jeff gives them a sealed bottle and tells them not to open it and bring it with them to tribal council.

Back at camp, Raro debates the implications of the bottle. Most seem to think it is an indication that some sort of merge-like event will occur. There isn’t much talk at first about the vote, probably because they saw the foreshadowing earlier about Rebecca. Oh sure, there’s some Jonathan misdirection, and some future Jenny-boot talk, but barring some truly-shocking, gut-punching, mind-blowing twist – and when is the last time we had one of those from Survivor? – Rebecca is the one and only person going at tonight’s tribal council. Which begins, oh, say, now.

Jeff: You guys are losers. Jenny, any ideas why?

Jenny: I would imagine it has something to do with how much Rebecca sucks, which we address shortly.

Jeff: That true Rebecca?

Rebecca: Who are you again? Where am I?

Jeff: You’re on Survivor, and I am the host.

Rebecca: Oh yeah. I watched that once. Not so much these days. These days I spend hunting, fishing, clamm-

Jonathan: Me me me! I’m the one who fishes. Me! Me! Go on Jeff, ask me how many fishes I’ve caught. ASK ME!!!

Jeff: *sighs* Okay Jonathan, how many fish have you caught.

Jonathan: Twenty-two, Jeff. Twenty-two.

Jeff: How many were big enough to provide any nutritional value?

Jonathan: *long pause* Did I mention I caught 22 fish?

Jeff: Parvati. You still here?

Parvati: Yes, Jeff, and thanks for noticing.

Jeff: Adam. What is this vote based on?

Adam: We’re going to vote out all the people who are ineffective in challenges.

Jeff: You do that and only Nate will be left.

And with that, now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

Raroans vote, Jeff visits the Tallymon, Jeff reads, Rebecca leaves.

So, now we’re do-

Oh yeah. The bottle. Jeff tells Parvati to open it. She does, pulls out a note, and reads: “It’s a great day to vote someone out; let’s vote out two!” To which she adds “That’s not fun”, cinching her bid for Ms. Obvious 2006. Nate calls it wack. No Nate. Crack is wack. Crack is wack. Voting out another person is a wonderfully vicious twist. Yay, Survivor! One up TAR in the vicious twist department!

Which, of course, means that now is the time on Survivor when we vote again.

Everyone votes, Jeff collects, then reads – four votes Jenny, two votes Jonathan. Hmm. Wonder what the ethnic mix on those votes could be? Hmmm. That leaves four whites and Nate. Which means Nate is totally screwed unless a merge takes place or Jonathan opens his big fat mouth and rags on the tribe for being lazy and making him do all the work.

On the next Survivor: Jonathan opens his big fat mouth and rags on the tribe for being lazy and making him do all the work and, based on weekend NFL promos, the tribes merge. Oh, and Candice and Adam decide that winning Survivor is nowhere near as important as sucking face, so they suck face.

Survivor Cook Island Episode Nine - NINE? We're Already Nine Episodes Into This Dog?

2006-11-14T13:46:00.000-05:00

by Dweeze

Okay, here’s the thing. Survivor doesn’t get good until there are about ten or eleven people left. Up until then, you are still figuring out who is who, how each person is playing, what their per…

Sorry? This isn’t how a summary is supposed to begin? Oh. Okay.

Previously on Survivor:

Flicka floundered. There. Happy?

Anyway, up until the point where we are at ten to twelve people, Survivor is pretty boring to watch. This isn’t so bad when you start with sixteen contestants. In that case, you’re down to twelve in four weeks, to ten in six. But when you start with twenty? TWENTY? It takes nine weeks to get to eleven, especially if you toss a recap in there because you are worried about losing viewers to a World Series that drew no one but Cardinal and Tiger fans.

By the way, the Cardinals won.

So here we are, week nine, and we start the show with TWELVE FUCKING CONTESTANTS LEFT! And they wonder why ratings keep going down.

We open at Aitu, Day 19. Ozzy is asleep, the other Aituans are congratulating themselves and talking about how Ozzy is next out. Well, Jonathan is talking about how Ozzy is next out. Everyone else is listening. It seems at times that Jonathan is the only one to ever watch the show before, but that might not be a good thing for him. We constantly see him analyzing and working every situation.

I don’t have the heart to make this lengthy, so let’s just do it quickly. It’s not like anyone other than Estee is reading anyway.

Yul wants to stay together post-merge.

Candice tells us in confessional she wants to do a threesome with Adam and Parvati.

Jonathan tells Candice he wants to finally do a two-some with her. Or else go to the Final Two with her. It gets confusing.

Over at Raring to Go, everyone wants to stay strong after the merge.

Brad says after the merge it’s every man for himself. The other Raroans slowly back away from Brad.

Parvati says Brad is digging a hole where the rain comes in.

Nate says Brad is doing questionable things and is now Slim Shady. Of course, Brad is not the Real Slim Shady.

Reward challenge! But not just reward – a twist!

Jeff says everyone can switch tribes if they want. They just have to step off their teams mat.

Candice decides to switch, probably to get away from Jonathan. Jonathan decides to switch, to stay close to Candice. Candice asks if she can go back, but Jeff says no backsies. That leaves us with eight Raros and four Aituans.

Jeff asks if people are surprised. Yul says yes, Ozzy says no, Ozzy again showing good game sense. Suddenly, I want the four Aituans to be the final four.

Another Rube Goldberg challenge. Two men and two women participate. The women are in a barrel that the men push over an obstacle course. While they go along, they pick up four buoys. When they reach the water, they use the buoys to float the barrel out to the center of the lagoon, where they have to dive down and retrieve four flags. They then float the barrel back to the beach, roll it onto the mat, take the flags out, attach them to a rope, then dig in the sand for an axe, then take the axe and chop the rope raising the flags. The reward? Coffee, pastry, and letters from home. Aitu chooses – well, Aitu now only has four people, two men and two women, so Aitu has no choices to make. Becky and Sundra climb in the barrel and Yul and Ozzy are rolling out the barrel, they’ll have a barrel of fun. For Raro, Nate and Adam will push Candice and Jenny in the barrel.

The challenge starts, and the teams are roughly neck and neck to start. Raro starts to fall behind when they make the decision to stuff all four buoys in the barrel instead of doing what Aitu does and carrying the buoys. Aitu’s lead gets insurmountable in the water, as they move directly through the water and Raro gets caught in the current and pulled way off course. In fact, I think Raro is still in the water when the Immunity Challenge starts.

Well, not really.

Aitu gets the win, and Ozzy looks at Jonathan and says “Mutineers die first”. Or “Mutineers dye first.” It could be either. However, when asked who they want to send to Exile Island, they opt for Candice. Perhaps they realize that if Candice hadn’t made the jump first, Jonathan would never have switched tribes.

Aitu goes to reward. Coffee, pastry, hotel robes. Sundra says she felt down when Candice and Jonathan mutinied, but has never been so happy now. Ozzy says they are stronger than they were before.

Candice, on Exile Island, wonders why Jonathan switched. She said she needed to be with Adam and Parvati again. Yeah. Couldn’t do the smart thing and wait til you get reunited at merge, no. Had to get stupid.

Jonathan at Raro is trying to ingratiate himself with the tribe. He babbles on and on and then goes to work, trying to provide for the group. Idiot. Moron. Imbecile. We later see him telling Adam he wanted to reunite the four original tribemates. Adam is happy about this. For now.

Immunity challenge time. Four people in a boat, rowing around the lagoon. The boat has a glass bottom, and they have to use the glass bottom to drop a cannonball through a hole in the boat to try to hit a target, which will release two buoys. Each buoy has a letter written on it. There are three targets to hit, for a total of six buoys. When they retrieve all six, they are to return to show, take the buoys, and form a word with the letters on the buoys.

Raro has to sit out the four people who participated in the Reward Challenge. That leaves Jonathan, Brad, Parvati, and Rebecca in the boat. Aitu has the Aituans.

Raro takes an early lead, hitting two targets in quick succession before Aitu even gets one. After several attempts, Yul figures out the he can target the cannonball through the hole in the boat where the cannonball drops instead of using the glass bottom. This technique proves to be very successful. On the Raro boat, Jonathan, the bombardier, starts getting flustered and just firing cannonball after cannonball without trying to target the shots. In fact, he gets ticked off when Probst announces that Jonathan is wasting cannonballs.

Aitu gets their second and third targets, then starts back to shore. Jonathan starts staring at them instead of trying to hit the target, causing Parvati to chastise him and tell him to focus on the challenge. Too late, though, as Aitu hits the beach. They unwrap the buoys, one with a clue on it. The clue says “the most infamous mutiny in history occurred on this ship”. Bounty. Duh. This is as obvious to Aitu as it is to me, and they quickly complete the challenge, sending Raro to another Tribal Council. And with that, we have seen Aitu for the last time this episode.

Over at Raro, Jonathan is apologizing for sucking badly. He then goes out fishing, giving Candice a chance to tell everyone that she is not in the least bit tight with Jonathan. She adds that Jonathan is always working everyone.

Nate and Adam are talking. Nate wants Jonathan to go. Jonathan says there is value in keeping Jonathan around and sending Brad home, because Brad could jump tribes if there is a merge and Jonathan can never go back to the Aituans. Nate agrees, and offers to go lie to Brad so as not to give Brad any ideas. Hey, Nate! Where do you think you fit in with the Caucasian alliance? Idiot. Moron. Imbecile.

Candice and Adam are talking, and Candice tells him that Jonathan always wanted to send Adam to Exile Island because he thought it would break Adam. Adam now wants to boot Jonathan, though this is obviously the standard attempt to make the boot less obvious.

Jeff: Dweeze wants to make this fast, and I am more than happy to oblige. Brad, when Candice and Jonathan switched, did you realize you were now toast?

Brad: Jeff, I’m pretty sure I was toast before.

Jeff: Candice, care to suck up to your new tribe?

Candice: Absolutely, Jeff. This new tribe is so much better than my own tribe, and not just because there are more whites here.

Jeff: Jonathan, was switching tribe the idiotic act of an overconfident buffoon or a misguided moment of racism.

Jonathan: Little of both, Jeff. A little of both.

Jeff: Brad, do you trust the tribe?

Brad: Do I look like an idiot? Of course not.

Jeff: Fair enough. Time to vote!

We vote, Jeff reads, Brad is done, and as he reads the last vote, Jeff says “And the ninth person voted out of Survivor Cook Islands, and the first member of our jury, is Brad.”

Jury? JURY? An unforeseen twist that will actually impact the game? SWEET!!!!!

On the next Survivor, Adam and Candice reconnect, and Jeff gives the tribes a surprise in a bottle.

Survivor: Cook Islands. Episode Recrap+1

2006-11-05T01:04:00.000-05:00

The One Where Size Does Indeed Matter
by Gothmog

So here we are again, me writing and you reading another in the long line of our creative efforts here at Circle Of. Before I go further, however, a caveat: I've been watching this season in a very desultory manner, but I'll soldier on for this episode to help out a friend in need and indeed. I especially was hoping to keep the TV off this week because next Tuesday is election day, and I live in Ohio. 'Nuf said. The sacrifices I make for you people.

Our story thus far: four scores* and seven years ago, EPMB brought forth on this network a new show, conceived in a pub and dedicated to the proposition that all people are attention whores and will greatly entertain us with their whistleassity. Now it's a piece of shit that jumped the shark long before Richard Bit the Shark. And yet we keep watching. You draw your own conclusions on that one.

(* I'm sure you don't need my help remembering who's scored with whom.)

Anyway. We start, as usual, with the previouslying. (I'd credit Landru for teaching me that verbal, but if try to satisfy all you footnote fetishists out there, we'll be here all day, so just go ahead and assume that anything remotely clever comes from elsewhere, mmmkay? After all, we here at Circle Of are all about the derivative humor.)

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the previouslying. There have been tribes. One is Ruhroh and the other Die-Too. I can't be bothered to remember precisely who is on which tribe because most of 'em are ferriners who all look alike to me. Hope someone checks their Green Cards before they try to vote, take my Social Security, force everyone to have abortions, and gay marry each other. Damn libruls.

At Ruhroh, some Muscular Chica was surprised to find that she'd been edited as this season's Bitch. There was the obligatory mud-wrestling challenge, 'cept'n someone forgot the mud, and the pixilation. The episode ended with the obligatory double-elim, since we started with 20 people and can't get 'em off our TVs fast enough.

At Die-Too, we learned of the Mysticism and Far-Eastern Philosophy that manifested itself in Plan DumbAss, the goal of which was to force the Hidden Immunity Idol to be played by one of two people, neither of which had it. End result? Die-Too said "Ciao, boi" to the Survivor for whom Gary Hogeboom is eternally grateful, since he's no longer the most idiotic person associated with the Kao Bois to appear on Survivor.

Not surprisingly, Ruhroh's TC demonstrated that both tribes are stocked with ferrin models with the IQ of gravel, rather than people who have, I don't know, actually watched the show. First, Die-Too got a chance to kidnap someone and save them from elimination. Did they choose the obvious target of the Chica Bitch, knowing this would throw Ruhroh's plans awry? Nope, they saved an Athletic Man most likely to whip their asses in Immunity Challenges after the merge. And Ruhroh went ahead and voted out said Bitch, whom nobody liked and would therefore make a great final-two opponent, choosing instead to keep someone who is nice, meek, and will be totally useless in the remaining pre-merge physical challenges.

Thus endeth the Previouslying. Cue the Oh-a-o-de-oh-de-oh so I can watch the intro again and try to learn who all these damn people are.

Wait, what's this? No Oh-a-o-de-oh-de-oh? Damn you, Mark Burnett. Damn you to hell. *sigh* Ok, we forage on. And I guess I'll have to start paying attention to the name thingies at the bottom of the screen.

After the obligatory nature shots, we open at Die-Too, where we (ok, I) find out that Kidnapped Athletic Man is Nate. He discusses botany with the Die-Too Alpha Male (like they actually knows what a hibiscus is) before they compare whose camp is bigger (like size actually matters--more on this later). Nate takes it as an honor that he was kidnapped, even though we already know it was only because the Die-Toos are, as we politically correct put it, Strategically Challenged. They ask him about his abilities, like if he's a good swimmer: stuff he says that don't matter. So we can be pretty sure we're heading for at least one, if not two, swimming challenges tonight.

We also discover that Jessica, whom everyone calls "Flicka" (y'all are gonna have to help me with that one, although I have to admit, she does bear a passing resemblance to a horse), was left out of the plans at the pervious tribal council, being the only one besides Wred Scin to vote for Plan DumbAss. She wishes she just had a clue.

Yes, she actually said that.

Hon, you might as well just tattoo that X on your rump right now, because you are obviously not long for this game.

Nate listens to the Die-Toos discuss alliances and strategies in front of him, pulling out his pretend notepad and taking notes. Evidently Shane's Blackberry or Greg's Coconut Phone weren't available. In the next segment, I'm pleased to discover that the person with the Hidden Immunity idol is actual named Yul. Way to go, Yul! Merry Christmas! (Ha! I kill me.) Anyway, he and 2 as of yet nameless chicks discuss their boot order: Ozzy, then Sharon, then Jack.

I finally get my Oh-a-o-de-oh-de-oh and discover who everyone is (or I would if I gave a rat's ass and paid attention), and that there used to be a Haiku and a Puke tribe. I must briefly mourn the loss of the Haiku tribe, because it would have been a great opportunity for me to bring up my recent favorite joke:

Haikus are easy
But they sometimes don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

But I'll have to let that joke go unsaid, now. Alas.

Commercials, brought to you by: Pringles, made in my own back yard, if you didn't know; Principal, which I ignore because it doesn't feature anyone named Victoria, who's gotta be pushing 100 by now, so maybe it's a good thing; Leapster, because kids certainly aren't already overstimulated enough; T-Mobile, with a coupla geeks totally unworthy of a 2-second Pulp Fiction reference; the saccharine penguins from Happy Feet with a public service announcement about flu; and Numb3rs, in which Rob Morrow just won't. go. away.

Back. It's raining. And we get Tree-mail. Yay! Time for a pome.

Doesn't matter, in this game
all the challenges are the same.
We're just grinding all our gears
Haven't had a clue in years.

The tribes get to choose which two items they'll receive as a reward. At Ruhroh, Brad keeps asking his tribemates "Do you want Brad? Do you really want Brad?" Ok, maybe he meant to say "bread," but Adam shore was creeped out. And I'm certain I know where Dweeze's mind went when Parvati started talking about the possibility of a peanut butter sandwich.

The challenge: each tribe will have 3 Swimmers and 2 Puzzlers. The swimmers each grab a club and start beating the tar out of Jiffy. Ha, no, but we can dream, can't we? Suffice it to say, the Swimmers will Swim and the Puzzlers will Puzzle. And since we're several weeks of tattered suits into the show, there's a distinct possibility of some pixilation titillation (which can probably be sung to the tune of Disney's Dalmation Plantation, if you're drunk enough.)

Their rewards? Ruhroh chooses Brad and peanut butter; Die-Too goes for potatoes and peanut butter. Figures I would get the peanut butter episode.

Die-Too has to sit 3 people: Braided Sista 1 (help me out here--can those of you who have watched all season tell those two apart?), Flicka, and Nate, the last of whom they don't trust to compete. Nate will rejoin Ruhroh after the challenge, prompting an "Awesome" from Parvati, who already has plans for the peanut butter.

Ruhroh strategizes over who should Swim and who should Puzzle. Naturally, they'll want the most athletic people to swim, right? Since they might be going out 3, maybe 4 times? Not so fast. Brad insists that he's too good at puzzles (Dood--it's a map of the world, with each piece containing a continent--how hard can that be?) and that their team would be better served if Braided Sista 2 (hereafter known as BS2) would flounder around for a couple of hours while Die-Too completes the challenge.

True to form, BS2 comes back keyless while Ozzy and Yul bring back two for Die-Too. BS2 is so exhausted that she crawls on the beach unaware of her wardrobe malfunction.

And there's much clubbing, and swimming, and keying. *yawn* Adam and Parvati take turns trying to play catch-up, while Ozzy, Yul, and Candace finish the Swimming, and Becky and Jonathan complete the Puzzling. Die-Too gets their peanut butter and potatoes, and send Nate back to Ruhroh, Adam to Exile Island, and the viewers into a coma.

Commercials: JC Penney announcing Biggest Sale of the Year!!!!!!!111OneOne. Coming soon on DVD, Cars, which I liked the first time I saw it, when it was called Doc Hollywood. Secret Platinum, with a woman named Sam who can help me move my sofa anytime, ifyaknowhutimean; Lance Armstrong for Bristol-Myers Squibb, talking about how suffering and cancer go together, which explains why he dumped Sheryl Crow just as she was diagnosed. Mazda, still using creepy zoom-zoom kid. JC Penney again, in case you forget within the last minute about the Biggest Sale of the Year!!!!!!!111OneOne. Some other CBS shows that I probably would pay good money not to see, and the obligatory shilling for Survivor paraphernalia.

Back. Candace, with her mouth full of peanut butter announces that she's in love with everybody she can see right now. Somewhere out in TVland, Billy's head is exploding. (No, I didn't see that episode, but I heard about it.) Candace and Flicka share a peanut butter kiss and Dweeze's head quickly follows Billy's. Flicka is so excited about her tribe's good fortune, although she confesses that things can change quickly in this game, so you never know what's gonna happen. So, so toast, that one.

Ominous clouds as Ruhroh points fingers for their loss. Nate tells BS2 that it wasn't her fault that black folks can't swim and joins his tribe in hurling some hatin' Brad's way. Nate also complains about his rough welcome home: he has to get some food and water while the wimmenfolk just lie around. Hey, must be pretty hard work, gathering information on a pretend note-pad and sitting out challenges.

At Exile Island, Adam builds a shelter against the income storm that looks about as effective as the Polish cavalry against Nazi tanks. He confesses that he's not happy with his tribe: hard to soar like an eagle (or, to run our NFC East joke into the ground, an Eei-Gul) when you're surrounded by turkeys.

Next morning at Die-Too, Ozzy catches a bird and kills it by biting its head off. Candace says Ozzy is half animal, half man, half fish, and half monkey, exhibiting the fine biology and math skills required for medical school these days. Yul says he underestimated Ozzy, and adds they should get rid of him before they all make like Katie Gallagher and gain weight on Survivor. Ozzy, Flicka, and Candace discuss strategy. Flicka wants Ozzy to tell her the truth, and she'll admit to her guilt. Candace tries to understand. Ozzy thinks, as the provider, if they vote him out, they'll have blood on their hands from their democracy. (And congratulations to the precisely one and half of you readers who actually GOT that joke.)

Commercials: E-bay, with a ridiculous exercise in hyperbole. Mucinex DM, with some graphic disease made to look cute. Ghost Whisperererer with Jennifer Love showing too much hair and not enough Hewitts. NFL on Sunday featuring Dolphins vs. Bears in a game I hope Rex Grossman can earn me more than (-16) points for my FF team. Teasers for TAR and Letterman. Local political ads featuring some of my area's finest lying, skeevy Republicans (ok, that was redundant). Teaser for the news.

Back. No tree mail this time, which is probably a good thing, since my students write better pomes than what we see here, as some of you already know. Adam returns from Exile Island, having survived the storm, unfortunately. We're at the Immunity Challenge, which involves--who'da thunk it--more Swimming and Puzzling. Tribes will build a staircase of logs up a platform, 3 members will slide down a zipline into water, retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces, and let remaining 3 tribe members solve the puzzle. So whaddaya think--is Brad gonna solve or swim here, huh? As Jonathan sits out for Die-Too, I have to comment on this Brad thing: Here they gave him such a hard time for Puzzling over Swimming at the last challenge, and yet, where do we find Adam for this one? At the Puzzle. Hypocritical Fucktards.

And. They're off. Jiffy launches into his annoying Name/Participle Phrase narrative as they drag logs. Then we get a nice bit of code. I'll let Jiffy's exact words speak for themselves here: "Women building it from the bottom up while the guys debate which is the longest log." Heh. Heh-heh. In this challenge, I guess size does indeed matter.

Die-too gets their staircase built first and Yul heads down the zip. Yul has his bag of puzzle pieces as Brad heads down the zip for Ruhroh. Candace and Parvati next go down the zip, as their teammates tell them each to keep their legs in the air as long as possible.

You know, sometimes, like Candace and Parvati, it's just. too. easy.

Ozzy and Nate anchor the zip. Ruhroh is way behind on the puzzle, but catches up and wins, even with puzzle master Brad hitting the drink on this one. Jiffy does the same-old "See you at Tribal" yadda as we head to:

Commercials: Ford Fusion, for guys who want to wig out potential employers by pretending to be their limo drivers. Centrum, in something thoroughly forgettable. Borat wannabes for Citibank. Still another JC Penney Reminder!!!!!!!!1111. Humira, for yet another disease (which I suppose tells you something about what CBS thinks are the effects of this show on people). Some crime shows, because there aren't enough of those already on. A Survivor question involving Rob C from the Amazon, whom I hoped I could die without ever seeing again.

Back. Die-too is bummed that someone *coughFlickacough* has to go home. Ozzy hopes that people aren't looking at him with accusation in their eyes (because, as you know, I believe there's no such thing as overkill when you're talking obscure jokes). Lots of scheming; Flicka is paranoid, and Ozzy is a physical threat. Ozzy opines that Jonathan really won't be necessary in the remaining pre-merge challenges. Dood--Jonathan sat out this challenge and you LOST. Good thinking, there.

Jonathan comes back from fishing as the tribe debates over Ozzy or Flicka. Yul and Ozzy also see Jonathan as a potential competitor after the merge. Everyone mistrusts Jonathan, whereas Flicka is just innocent and easy to read. So naturally, they're going to target Flicka. Morons.

Flicka worries that nobody really knows what's going on or what they're gonna do. She says, "I think they're all, like, 'Ahhh, I don't know what to do' because any of us can go." Jeezelpete, woman. What's the old poker maxim about if you can't spot the sucker at the table? It's been a while since they've had somebody this vapid on the show, and yet they put this Einstein on the puzzle-solving team. Someone shoot me now.

Mercifully, we head to Tribal Council. Let's look at the transcript, shall we?

Jiffy: Ok, gang. I need to bring up this season's racial gimmick one more time, so throw me a few profiling slurs that would make James Watt proud, will ya?

Jonathan: Not gonna play, Jiffy. Instead, I'll just flap my mouth and further convince people that I'm a scheming, backstabbing Yahoo who should be murdered in my sleep, first chance.

Jiffy: BS1, is it true that black women can't swim?

BS1: Word. You'll notice I kept dry during both challenges. Don't know what Homegirl thought she was about. Rush, as you know, is never wrong.

Jiffy: Jessica, everyone but you knows you're going tonight, so spread some love around before they push your ass out the airlock.

Flicka: I want to see how many cliches I can fit into my response here, so I'll talk about friendships, and roles, and mix 'n matching, and having fun, and Kum Ba Yah, and other such brakage. How'd I do?

Jiffy: Great. Yul, Jessica always gives delightful answers that never seem to reflect on the game.

Yul: I know, Jeff. Hard to believe someone this naive could have lasted so long, innit?

Jiffy: Damn straight.

Yul: At least with her, you know you won't get someone who will scheme and stab you in the back, so of course she's gotta go.

Jiffy: Works for me. Ozzy, you've become a provider. Is that a good thing, or are you just playing with fire?

Ozzy: If they vote me out, Jeff, I know what they'll find is in their mind.

Jiffy: It's what you want them to see. Right. Ok, Flicka, should we vote, or do you just want to bring me your torch now?

Flicka: Oh, let's vote, Jeff, so I can blow a kiss to my tribemates and look all all cute 'n clueless 'n stuff.

Jiffy: You could quite possibly be the stupidest person to ever play this game. 'Aight. We'll just state for the record that vote was 7-1 so Goth can wrap up this summary, k? Now. the big question is momentum: who has it? Maybe it could be discovered in another Plan DumbAss, if Jai-Ant were still around, but he's not, so let's just head to:

Commercials: Santa Clause 3, which I liked the first time I saw it, when it was called Santa Clause 2, Mazda with another chick being the man (must be the theme this week), Kohl's Super Saturday SALE!!!!!!11, for those not going to JC Penneys!!!!1, some women boxing (there it is again) for Advil, and more CBS whoredom.

Next week: Brad searches for his spine, and another surprising, shocking, game-changing twist that we probably have never seen for at least two, maybe even three episodes.

I won't bore you with any more of Flicka's closing cliches. Thanks as usual for reading; you'll be back with your regularly scheduled Dweeze soon, I'm sure. Gothmog out.

Survivor Cook Island Episode Six – There Is NO Episode Five

2006-10-23T12:56:00.000-04:00

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

Nothing. Not a god damn thing. That’s why we didn’t even bother to summarize it. If you really must know, Stephannie of the Extra N Clan was booted, freeing me from making that joke again, though most of tribal council was used to let Cristina know how much everyone else in the tribe hates her.

We open once more before the credits. We’re at Raro, post tribal council. The mice are preparing the camp for the return of the tribe. Cristina is unhappy that she was the subject of so much verbal abuse at tribal council. Look at it this way, Cristina. You’re still around. Think of how much unhappier you would be if you had been booted. Not like you really need to be making long term plans, but three more days is three more days, right? Right.

Cristina launches a verbal salvo back at the group. No, not really. I just wanted to use the phrase verbal salvo. She complains about being blindsided. Adam says he has told her in camp that she was annoying. In confessional, Brad tells us Cristina isn’t annoying, just controlling.

Which is it, guys?

Adam is struggling to be positive about the group’s attitude towards Cristina. He genuinely seems like a decent guy. He tells her that she works hard, that they appreciate the effort she puts into tribal life, she’s just got an annoying personality.

In confessional Cristina tells us that tragedy is her life, that she has survived many other things and she knows she will survive this. Which makes a nice segue into the credits – the last words she says are “I can survive this” and the next word that appears on screen is SURVIVOR!

What does it say that I’m reduced to summarizing editing tricks?

Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning, and I’m using that until someone identifies what it’s from. We’re at Aituboy, and Ozzy and his faithful companion Jonathan are fishing. Well, Ozzy is fishing. Jonathan is holding the fish Ozzy catches. Jonathan tells us that the tribe needs Ozzy’s strength for the group game, but adds that Ozzy will be the biggest threat once it becomes an individual game.

Back at camp, treemail has arrived. Really! Honest to goodness treemail. It reads

Grope, wrestle in dirt
Reward/immunity challenge
Or Lohan Friday?

Actually, the note tells them about winning their first feast. Their first feast? Ozzy’s been catching ten fish a day! These people are not wanting for food.

As they prepare to go to the challenge, Cao Boi wants to take the immunity idol with them. It is noted that the immunity idol isn’t needed because the treemail didn’t say anything about immunity. Cao Boi doesn’t care. The idol is the ocean goddess of fertility, and as far as he is concerned, it is a tribe member. Jonathan disagrees. He correctly notes that bringing the immunity idol to a reward challenge is rubbing the victory in Raro’s face. In confessional Jonathan tells us that Cao Boi rubs a lot of people the wrong way, but of course he is the only one to say anything. In group, Jonathan says to Cao Boi that it should be a tribal decision, but Cao Boi just says he is not going to bring it because of Jonathan. Yul tells us in confessional that Cao Boi has gone through a lot but is hard-headed and unpredictable. Those three things seem to go together, if you ask me.

We cut to the challenge, where Jeff explains what will happen. There are two posts at one of a large sand pit. There is a finish line at the other end. The tribes will select three people to be post holders and four to be draggers. First, a woman from each tribe will be stationed to hold onto the post. The two female draggers from the other team will attempt to remove the person holding onto the post and pull them through the sand to the finish line. Once they have done so, a male will go hold onto the post. The two male draggers will go try to pull the male post-holder back to the finish line. After that is done, the last female will go and the two female draggers will try to pull her back. The first tribe to get all three post-holders past the finish line wins.

The prize? Thick lamb shanks, warm bread, and hot apple cider. The catch? The feast will take place at tribal council. That’s right, it’s double boot time. Both teams will be sending someone home tonight. The winning tribe will go first, sending someone home and then getting their reward. Which means that whoever gets voted out won’t get the thick lamb shanks! Oh cruel, cruel world. That tribe will then eat in front of the losing tribe while the losing tribe has tribal council.

Because we need an equal number of men and women for the challenge, Aitu has to sit out a man. Instead, they choose Cao Boi. Ha! Aitu will use Candice, Ozzy, and Sundra as post-holders. Not postholes, mind you. Post-holders. Raro will send Cristina, Nate, and Jenny, which is a shock – I would think Parvati would have the most experience of anyone in the tribe with a floor-to-ceiling pole.

Okay, put your hands in the air like you just don’t care and do the Probst Challenge-Dance! Survivors ready, GO! Jessica and Becky manage to pull Jenny off the pole very quickly. Parvati and Rebecca are having no such luck with Candice. Indeed, though they are able to pull her off once, Candice is able to grab ahold of the pole again. Meanwhile, Jessica and Becky are dragging Jenny through the sand, pulling her to the finish line before Parvati and Rebecca can even get Candice more than a few feet away from the pole. Those three are wrestling in the sand, and I can only say “PRAISE JEEBUS!”

Nate is the male Raron post-holder. Jonathan and Yul run out, pulling him off the pole roughly, but quickly. And though Nate puts up a good fight, they are able to get him back to the finish line before Parvati and Rebecca can get Candice over the line. That’s right – Aitu has two people over the line before Raro can even get one.

Cristina is the last Raron to grab a pole, and Jessica and Becky go back to get her. As they do, Parvati and Rebecca finally get Candice to the finish line. This sends Adam and Brad out to get Ozzy. They are moving him quickly, almost as quickly as Jessica and Becky got Jenny. Cristina, on the other hand, is not going quietly into that good night. Or into the sand, for that matter. Jessica gets a warning for putting Cristina into a chokehold. Cristina rolls on top of Jessica, then gets a warning for placing her forearm at Jessica’s throat. Cristina then tries to pull Jessica’s shorts off, and I’m betting that while this isn’t the first time a woman has tried to take Jessica’s shorts off, it is the first time Jessica has tried to stop her.

Parvati and Rebecca go out to get Sundra. Becky and Jessica are doing everything they can to drag Cristina. They roll for a little way, and Cristina gets a warning for pulling Jessica’s hair. If you want, modify the joke I made earlier about a woman pulling Jessica’s shorts down for a woman tugging Jessica’s hair. Becky and Jessica are finally are able to stand up and start dragging Cristina back to the finish line, but not before we see some hot pixilated action from Jessica. Meanwhile, Parvati and Rebecca haven’t even been able to separate Sundra from the pole.

Jeff sends everyone off to camp with the standard see you at tribal council. Oh, he adds that there will be one more surprise, and dear God, if you’ve been watching at all, you know what that surprise is – the winning tribe will somehow be able to save someone on the losing tribe from the vote. They’ve only pulled some variant on this trick at every double tribal council.

Back at camp, the Aituans are talking about how physical the challenge was. Sundra says she is proud of how the tribe came together. Yep, Sundra, you did a whole lot. The damn thing was 99% over before you came into it. Ozzy tells the group that it was the women who won it. Jessica says she never wrestled a cop before. Right. In confessional she states that it was inappropriate for Cristina to tug her hair and try to take her clothes off. Usually you have to buy Jessica dinner and a movie before you take her clothes off and tug her hair. A girl’s got to have standards, you know.

And now it gets weird.

Cao Boi asks Yul to come into the shelter so he can tell him about a dream he had. Cao Boi was in a village, and people were coming into the village and dragging people away with a rope. They would wrap the rope around people and disappear. They would fly away and were invisible to others, and I DIDN’T MAKE A SINGLE BIT OF THAT UP!!!!!

And now it gets really weird.

Cao Boi tells us in confessional that in the dream he was dealing with people with supernatural powers. He says a shaman women asked him if he an American Express card. She then asked him if he had a Visa. The confessional is interspliced with shots from inside the shelter where Cao Boi is telling the same thing to Yul. There is a wonderful shot of Yul rolling his eyes and looking like he would kill to get out of the shelter.

Continuing in the dream, Cao Boi asks the shaman woman why he needs the credit cards. She tells him he needs three of each. He determines that this is a plan to flush out the immunity idol. They will place three votes on Candice and three votes on Jonathan, and since one of them, probably Jonathan, has the immunity idol, he will be forced to play it.

Couple things wrong here. First, there are eight votes in play. What if those votes shift things so the idol doesn’t have to be played. Second, even if those other two votes go someplace else, there still is a three-three tie. The tiebreaker might involve a revote, it might involve a fire challenge, it might involve a purple rock. There’s no way of knowing. Thirdly, and most importantly, Cao Boi is telling his plan for flushing out the immunity idol, Plan Voodoo as he calls it, not just TO THE MAN WHO HAS THE IMMUNITY IDOL BUT TO THE MAN WHO IS JONATHAN’S ALLY!

Yul us it is a good plan. He tells Cao Boi it is a good plan. He does not tell Cao Boi that he has the idol. Cao Boi tells Yul that if nothing else, one of the Caucasians will be going home. The worry for Cao Boi is that there are still five Caucasians left in the game, and they can unite at the merge. Cao Boi then shares Plan Voodoo with the rest of the tribe as Jonathan and Candice frolic in the surf.

Over at Raro, Nate decides that the tribe is going to eat well tonight even if they don’t get a feast. He proceeds to catch another octopus.

Meanwhile, Cristina tells us that she realizes she is the target. We see her going to everyone, trying to get them to change their minds. The only one she seems to reach is Nate, who sees an advantage in keeping her strength with the tribe and with getting rid of Jenny for the same reasons Cao Boi wants to get rid of one of the Caucasians.

Back at Aitu, Jessica and Cao Boi are working out together. We see Jonathan talking to Yul, telling him Cao Boi is a wild card and it’s time for him to go. You didn’t hear the dream, Jonathan. You didn’t hear the dream.

Cao Boi is reiterating Plan Voodoo with the rest of the group. Sundra and Becky are somewhat partial to the idea. Ozzy is non committal. Jessica is in.

We see Becky talk to Yul, who right after telling us he is in a tight alliance with Jonathan, says he now has doubts. Either something is going on or we’re just getting editing to make us think the obvious is not going to happen. I opt for the latter.

Yul tells us in confessional that he wishes the game could be played with more integrity. Check that one of the list of Survivor cliches. Then he tells us something interesting. He says several people think they are in alliances with him, several people trust him, but he can’t really be in an alliance with everything. Pretty key confessional if you ask me.

Cut back to camp, where everyone but Jessica and Cao Boi are in the shelter talking. This seems to concern Jessica, but Cao Boi blows it off, saying that Plan Voodoo is in effect and they will be fine. Uhm, dood? If everyone else but you is talking pre-tribal council, that means you are going to be voted off.

In confessional, Jonathan tells us he doesn’t think he will be voted off, but if he’s wrong, he’s been outplayed. Don’t worry. Your time hasn’t come.

Yet.

Jeff: Just so you know, I’m not asking any of the women questions. You ladies need to go prep the food for the menfolk, mmmkay? Now, Jonathan. What the fuck is the deal with sounding like Alan Alda?

Jonathan: War’s hell, Jeff.

Jeff: Great. I shouldn’t have asked. Cao Boi. I see you brought the idol. Just how insane are you?

Cao Boi: Insane or extremely clever? You tell me Jeff. You tell me.

Jeff: I’ll go with insane. Ozzy, how nuts is Cao Boi?

Ozzy: Ozzy feels connected to the idol. He has a bond with it. Some people get annoyed, some don’t, but it really is symbolic of other issues the tribe has.

Jeff: You mean like Cao Boi’s insanity. Yul, Cao Boi: Batshit lunatic or raving asylum escapee?

Yul: Cao Boi is a mixture of shaman, cheerleader, and fire tender. I don’t completely understand him, but he’s very loyal.

Jeff: I’ll put that down as batshit lunatic. Cao Boi, is it true that the gibberish they speak on your planet is not understandable to we humans?

Cao Boi: People either love me or hate me Jeff, but they know I mean well.

Jeff: Seems like a yes to me. Yul. Does the tribe have any leaders or followers?

Yul: Jonathan is a natural leader, and this target looks good on his back.

Jonathan: Well, I appreciate that he said that, but I don’t try to lead. I don’t try to patronize these people.

Jeff: These people? You mean the broads, the blacks, the hispanics, and the asians?

Jonathan: Exactly, Jeff. Exactly. You know where I’m coming from.

Jeff: A Klan meeting, probably. And don’t lump me in with you. I just have issues with women. Ozzy, how are you voting tonight? Will you write down Cowboy or spell his name right and put down Cao Boi?

Ozzy: Not sure Jeff. Depends on how I feel when I have pen in hand.

Jeff: Cao Boi, what about you? How are you voting?

Cao Boi: The vote is like a chess game. The vote tonight is to expose the queen.

Jeff: I’m confused. Brad’s on the other tribe. What is the queen?

Cao Boi: The queen is the immunity idol. The dog barks at midnight.

Jeff: Great. Good last words.

Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

We see three votes – Jonathan votes Cao Boi, Jessica votes Jonathan, and Cao Boi votes Candice. The rest are not shown. The tallymon then tallies the bananas and the votes.

Cao Boi
Candice
Jonathan
Cao Boi
Cao Boi
Cao Boi

With the third Cao Boi vote, we are treated to shots of Cao Boi and Jessica looking nervous. It has to be a very crappy feeling to be the only one left out of the voting bloc. Cao Boi tells us that he should have been aware that the other Asians, the people most like him, were most likely to vote against him. As he does, we see that no one spelled his name right. Yul came closest, with Cow Boi. Back at tribal, any hard feelings are dissipated immediately upon disbursement of the lamb shanks. Lamb shanks make everything better.

Jeff: So, Adam, jealous much?

Adam: No Jeff. I hate lamb, I hate bread, I hate apple cider, and I hate winning. So it’s all good.
Jeff: Nate. Food smell good.

Nate: I just had octopus, Jeff. I’m good.

Jeff: Brad, you guys got smoked in a physical challenge by that group over there. How big of losers are you?

Brad: Jeff, it’s not about winning challenges, it’s about who is working hard at camp and who gets along.

Jeff: So you’re all huge losers.

Brad: Pretty much, yeah.

Jeff: Cristina. Everyone hates you, and you’re the obvious target tonight unless some twist occurs that anyone with the brain power of a cricket can see coming.

Cristina: Is there a question Jeff?

Jeff: Nope. Just wanted to point that out. Brad, sucks to be Cristina, right? I mean, she’s toast unless a miracle shock surprise happens that we all can see coming like a train in the distance.

Brad: Yes, we shouldn’t have said those things in public about her. We should have been nice to her face and nasty behind her back.

Jeff: Jenny, what happened when you got back to camp?

Jenny: Girlfriend got all up in everyone’s face, telling us to back that smack up or take it home, and she was all like who dat dissing me, and

Jeff: You’ve been hanging out a lot with Rebecca, haven’t you?

Jenny: Damn straight.

Jeff: Cristina. You’re annoying, you dress terribly, everyone despises you, and you’re toast unless Aitu is given some miracle ability to save one person from the vote.

Cristina: Is there a question Jeff?

Jeff: Nope. Just wanted to point that out.

Cristina: Well, since you didn’t ask, it bothers me because I thought these people were my friends and it is a blow to my morale and…

Jeff: So, Adam, it’s going to be great to have her gone, that is unless some unforeseen gimmick is tossed into the game that allows her to be plucked out of your tribe and whisked away to the other tribe so you have to vote out someone you think is an asset to your group, isn’t it?

Adam: Yep

Jeff: Nate, at what point do you start playing an individual everyone-for-themselves game?

Jenny: What do you mean start?

Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

Jeff: Not so fast, German-boy. I said there was a surprise, and this is it. Aitu, you get to kidnap one person *coughCristinacough* from Aitu. That person *coughCristinacough* will be on your tribe through the next reward, and, obviously enough, will be safe from tonight’s vote. So, if there is an obvious person that Raro is going to vote for *coughCristinacough*, now is the time to save that person *coughCristinacough* and throw a spanner into their plans. So who *coughCristinacough* is it going to be?

Ozzy: (After conferring with the group.) Nate.

Jeff: Cristina, go join Aitu, and the rest of you can. Wait. Did you say Nate?

Ozzy: Yes.

Jeff: Morons. Okay, Nate, go join them and grab some lamb. Cristina, bring me your torch.

Cristina: Can we vote first?

Jeff: Not sure that it matters, but yeah. Why not?

Dieter: Can I do it now?

Jeff: Knock yourself out.

Dieter: Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

So who will they vote for? I know who they should vote for – they should vote for the instant karma hunters right now! Everyone dance!

The tallymon comes and tallies the vote. Before announcing it, Jeff sends Aitu back to camp. The votes are now read. Cristina votes Jenny, as does someone else. (We’ll see later that it was Brad.) Everyone else votes Cristina. As she takes the walk of shame, Jeff tells the tribe they voted J.P off because he was bossy, Stephannie because she had too many “n”s in her name, and Cristina because she was annoying. He doesn’t explain the comment.

On the next Survivor, Jessica decides to talk strategy in front of Nate. Being left out does strange things to you. Ozzy continues in his role as chef to the tribe. Someone gets pummeled by rain on Exile Island. But that’s not really next week. Next week is a recrap. Sorry. Next week is “A Closer Look” which we all know is code for recrap.

As we fade into the lights of Shea Stadium, Cristina says she was taken advantage of – Hey! She was the one trying to strip Jessica, not the other way around – and wishes she had stayed longer.

Survivor Cook Island Episode Four – The One Where Dweeze Barely Gives A Fuck

2006-10-09T11:53:00.000-04:00

By Dweeze

Previously on Survivor.

Aww, who the fuck cares. It’s all going to end with Probst saying “who will be voted out next?” More importantly, can I get anything funny out of this dog of a show?

We open at Aitu, BEFORE THE CREDITS! Man, Burnett is trying to mix it up. Give us a little taste to whet our appetites, maybe stop us from clicking over to Earl or Olbermann, two shows I’d rather be watching right now. Instead, I’m watching as the tribe comes back from tribal council to find mieces all over the place. Oooh, I hates those mieces to pieces! Yul tells us voting someone else out sucked and he feels terrible. Tell ya what, Yul, you’d feel much worse if the person voted out was you. Becky knows what I mean – she tells us she feels like she close to leaving but now, with Cecilia gone, she feels comfortable. Next up on the post-tribal council range of emotions is Ozzy, who was blindsided when he was one of only three-Becky votes. He’s bitter that he’s the only remaining original Aitu at Aitu (Give Aitu Back To The Aituans!), and that the rest of the tribe are enjoying the fruits of the paradise he and Cecilia helped build. He says he’s going to take his toys and go home, I mean, quit catching food for the tribe. That’ll learn them! And with that, we go to the opening credits.

Back. Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning. Candice arrives back home from Exile. Able she was, ere she saw Elba. She lets everyone she didn’t find the idol, not like we really spent a whole lot of time with her last episode. Flicka, who has gone from “not wanting to play a game” to “suspecting everyone” in less than a day, wants to know why Adam and Parvati chose Candice for Exile. She implies that they did so because Candice is an alliance partner and they wanted to protect her from the boot. Candice tells us she decided to play dumb, though I doubt anyone can be that convincing.

Too obvious?

Over at Raro, the men are sitting around doing nothing while the women work to make living conditions better. That’s how God intended it, am I right guys? Guys? Parvati tells us that it makes her mad, but J.P. tells the guys he doesn’t care if the women are mad, because they need the men around for strength and the men will stay in a strong alliance. And if you have watched this show more than once in the past few years, you now know not only who tonight’s boot will be, but that the male alliance J.P. is going on about will last as long as the Twins did.

Next up, reward challenge, again sans tree mail. You know it’s gotten bad when the staff doesn’t even bother anymore. It’s a bondage challenge. Two tribemates are attached to a rope that loops over, under, and around an obstacle course. The rest of the tribe help the tied members maneuver forward to a decoder table. Once there, a tribe member will head to the water, swim out, recover the decoder ring, bring it back, and the tribe will decode the hidden message. First tribe to accomplish this wins reward, in this case blankets, pillows, and a hammock.

Survivors ready? Go!

We’re off. Candice and Becky are attached to the rope for Aitu, Cristina and Jenny for Raro. Aitu gets off to an early lead. Yul drags Becky underneath a log, Candice following. Aitu expands on the lead when Raro gets tangled up in blue. Aitu gets to the decoder table, Ozzy heads into the water, brings the decoder ring back, and the team gets to solving. They get hung up here, however, and Raro is able to get to the table, get its decoder ring back, and start working on the puzzle, but Aitu’s lead is too great and they win when they correctly decode the message as “Be Sure To Drink Your Ovaltine”. Sorry. It’s actually, “Last castaways back cast one away.”

You know, mine made more sense.

Anyway, Aitu gets reward and also gets to send someone to Exile Island. That lucky person? Adam.

Aitu gets back at camp. Flicka tells us she felt threatened by the brawn of Raro. Ozzy, contrary to what he told us earlier, decides to go fishing. He and Jonathan go out and catch eleven fish. Well, Ozzy caught nine, Jonathan caught two. The rest of the tribe is happy, determined to have a nice feast. Ozzy tells us that his place in the tribe is strong because he can provide food for them. Hmmm. Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SEASON OF THIS SHOW!

Over at Raro, things are not quite as fun. Nate says that it’s good they were able to be humbled. J.P. doesn’t seem particularly humble, however. He’s giving orders to everyone. Parvati tells us J.P. is sly and you might not realize he is bossing everyone around, though you would have to be as dumb as, well, Parvati to think that was the case.

That night Nate and Parvati are strategerizing. She asks him if the men made an alliance. He says yes, but adds that he and Parvati are tight and he has her back. She tells Nate about her anger towards J.P. and his attitude that he is running the tribe, but Nate says to just let the king sit pretty and not worry about it. Nate later tells us that Parvati is cool and smart and doable, though he realizes he has to let his big head do the thinking. No, seriously, that’s pretty much what he said.

Cut back to Aitu, where Jonathan and Cao Boi have found a bird nest. Cao Boi decides to climb the tree and grab the eggs. Cao Boi is missing a few brain cells. All he succeeds in doing is knocking the nest, and the newborn chick in the nest, to the ground. Jonathan gets all blubbery about how this fresh life, not even a day old, has been disrupted. Cao Boi and Jonathan get the nest back up in the tree to the mother bird, and it’s times like this that make me miss Granny Jan.

Off to immunity challenge, and dear God, I am only halfway through this. It’s another multi-part challenge. First, four people from each tribe assembles a stretcher. Then, they race through the woods to the beach. Then, someone swims out to a mast where one tribemate has been shackled. They, unshackle the tribemate, swim to shore, then the four carry the shackled person back on the stretcher. When they get back, the other tribemates have to start a fire.

Candice and Parvati are shackled for their respective teams. The Raro men are going to make the stretcher, while Flicka, Ozzy, Yul, and Jonathan do it for Aitu. Raro gets off to an early lead, but loses that when Ozzy is able to go through the water faster than J.P. Imagine that. Aitu makes it back to the fire building station with a small lead, but it doesn’t look like it would matter. Cao Boi gets a fire build in no time. The women building the fire for Raro, primarily Stephannie, succeed mainly in harming themselves. Aitu wins, and we are done with them for the episode.

Back at Raro, Stephannnie says the loss was her fault and adds that she would not blame them for voting her out. She then heads out. Nate tells us that if someone wants to leave, he’s not going to stop them. He tells the group that Stephannnnie deserves the red carpet treatment and that he will tell her she is going. J.P., exhausted from actually having to do something, decides to nap.

Know what J.P.? Never, ever, EVER, nap before tribal council. Ever.

Jenny and Rebecca are talking, and decide they need to convince Stephannnnnie that she should stay. Stephannnnnnie is telling Cristina that she regrets having said what she said and adds that she wants to stay. Wheels are set in motion as the two tell her and Cristina of their plan to boot J.P. Cristina doesn’t hesitate to agree. So much for ethnic background. They decide to enlist Parvati, because if she says yes, that’s all they need. Parvati, on the other hand, says she needs to think about it.

The hell?

So as Parvati goes off to “think”, the four corner Brad and try to enlist him. He says he will think about it. And with that, we are off to tribal council.

Jeff: Steph, what’s up with all the “n”s?

Stephannnnnnnie: Need to give the summary writer something, Jeff, cause the show sure ain’t doing it.

Jeff: Fair enough. Nate: What up in the dawg pound? Can I have a whoop whoop?

Nate: Jeff, that’s lame even when Randy does it.

Jeff: Sorry. Jenny, is there a leader?

Jenny: Other than King J.P. Napsalot here? Nope.

Jeff: Any comeback, J.P.?

J.P.: *snores*

Jeff: Stephannnnnnnnie, you pretty much singlehandedly blew the challenge.

Stephannnnnnnnnie: Do you have a question, Jeff?

Jeff: Nope, just making an observation. Could someone wake J.P. and ask him if he thinks Steph should be booted because she couldn’t make fire?

J.P.: Wuh? Huh? Oh, sorry. Uhm, well, you know, I really messed up the swimming part of it, and I shouldn’t be voted out for that. So no.

Okay everyone, voting time. Rebecca and Cristina vote J.P., J.P. votes Stephannnnnnnnnnie, as does Nate. The tallymon comes and does his thing, and the votes are read. According to the count Jeff gives, it’s five to two. J.P. is stunned, says he was outwitted, and is frogmarched to loser lodge. Probst gives the basic “Trust blah blah blah work together blah blah blah” speech he has been giving in his sleep for years. As we fade into Vegas, we see that everyone vote for J.P. except J.P. and Nate. Man, I bet that makes Nate feel good.

Survivor 13: Is This Thing Still On?, Episode 3

2006-10-04T03:24:00.000-04:00

Dinkin’ Flicka

or, Mark Burnett: Out of Ideas

by Diamond

Previously on Survivor: We all hate this show but still feel compelled to watch it for some reason.

Also, the black folks FINALLY got fire only after being given a flint, which might as well be a propane torch for how easy it makes firestarting, prompting the viewing public to wonder, um, have they ever seen this show before? Did they not know they would need to make a fire and perhaps should have learned how to beforehand? And then we remembered that these people were all recruited in furtherance of the stupid racial theme, and realize that in fact they may not have seen it before. So, excellent. I’m sure it will be just as exciting reliving the trials and tribulations of green cast members as it was in so many other seasons. I was going to complain about how the show pretty much handed them all those fishing spears, but then I realized I didn’t exactly feel like watching them struggle with fishing, which of course only one person ever masters, leading to endless confessionals about how they know they’ll be safe because the tribe would never boot the food provider, right? God, I want to kill myself just thinking about it. Anyway, let’s move on, shall we?

The white folks argued about something too boring to bother summarizing.

At the brown folks’ camp, Billy wasn’t pulling his quite considerable weight, so Ozzy cooked up the bold plan to throw the challenge to get rid of him. Because as we all know from watching the previous twelve seasons, the most important thing in this game is the “surviving” part, and not “alliances” or silly notions like maintaining your numbers even if you don’t like everyone, because the longer you can keep around the deadweight, the longer you yourself can avoid the risk of getting voted out. Geez, Ozzy, if Billy was such a liability in challenges, just wait till he actually causes you to lose for real, and then you can boot him without looking like a complete douchebag. I mean, have these people ever seen this show before? …Sorry. Never mind.

At the challenge, Aitu followed through with their plan and lost in ridiculous fashion. Showing further evidence of their strategic brilliance, they sent Yul (or as I like to call him, “the king”), who is both strong and smart, to Exile Island. And in a scene that will live in infamy, Candice made the tragic mistake of being nice to a doomed man, which will inevitably lead to a lifetime of unlisted phone numbers, false names, and permanent restraining orders.

On Exile Island, Yul found the hidden immunity idol, while at tribal council, Billy made Probst do the best.double.take.ever when he revealed his million-dollar prize, his love-affair-for-the-ages with Candice. Everyone else, both on and watching the show, snickered. Mmm, Snickers. Anyway, Billy was tossed, sending him back to the real world. We hope.

Who will be voted out…NEXT???

Commercials. Somehow it seems appropriate to have an ad for a movie called “Open Season” during this edition of Survivor, though I can’t quite articulate why. So who here thinks Audrey Hepburn would ever deign to set foot in The Gap? Anyone? I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that I find The Rock a little bit charming.

Ext. Brown folks’ camp. Day 4. Night. The tribe discusses the validity of Billy’s claim that he and Candice fell in love. The fact that they’re even discussing any possibility other than “he’s batshit crazy” baffles me. I actually think it’s kind of too bad he got voted off, because his brand of crazy seemed like the annoying but harmless, and possibly entertaining, kind, as opposed to the malevolent crazy (see: the late Shane), which is just unbearable to watch.

At the yellow folks’ camp, Brad (is that his name? Seriously, it’s three episodes in and I still don’t know all their names - see what you’ve done there, Mark Burnett? You’ve so reduced all these people down to their races that I can’t even see most of them as individuals! Good work, sir!) catches a fish. Cao Boi (good god, don’t even get me started on how dumb that name is) regales the tribe with tales of some friend of his from Vietnam who sold his teenaged children into Iraqi slavery, or something, I don’t really know, but I think the ultimate conclusion is that war is bad. Great. The anti-war movement can always use more whackjobs on its side. Most of the tribe just listens in silence, because what else can you do? Brad says he thinks Cao Boi should be medicated. And also, that he’s had a “coming to Jesus” with Cao Boi. I honestly don’t know what that means, but the immature part of me (so, all of me) thinks it sounds both dirty and blasphemous.

Treemail! Wait, I don’t write treemail parodies. Sorry. Not in my repertoire. But it’s time for a challenge, and the whities practice, I guess, by performing yoga of some sort. At least I think that’s what it’s supposed to be. I’m sure people who are not me who know something about actual yoga would find this display sorely lacking in skill.

As the teams file into the challenge area, Yul is welcomed back from Exile Island, squinting like he just woke up. Or maybe they had him locked up in a dark closet. Hey, there’s an idea! Instead of sending these losers to wallow in self-pity on a deserted island, they should send them to wallow in self-pity in a dark room for a few days. Like the hole, Shawshank Redemption-style! Yes, I would totally watch that. Actually, no I wouldn’t. I’d want them to experience it, but I don’t think it would be so exciting to watch. So maybe it’s not such a good idea after all. (And right here is where, in a past life, I would have put one of those handy-dandy little interactive poll things to ask you, my dear readers, whether you would watch the Survivors getting thrown in the hole. Except I’ve decided that this show is no longer worth the time and effort it takes to construct the polls, so you’ll just have to do without them. Sorry.)

Jeff collects the severed body parts of the immunity idol and instructs all the survivors to drop their pants. No wait, that was just Julie. He actually instructs the survivors to drop their buffs. To which several of them are all, what? Buffs? Huh? It’s like they don’t know what he’s talking about, like they’ve never heard the word “buff” before. Um, haven’t they seen this…JESUS. I really need to stop doing that. The agitation isn’t good for my well-being. Anyway, buffs are doffed, and the camera makes sure to catch, in close-up, several of the female contestants as they pull the buffs down over their midsections. Yeah, that sure was necessary. I’m not sure I could have understood that buffs were being removed unless I saw in the context of bare female stomachs.

Jeff: You have been living together segregated by race in furtherance of our silly ratings ploy. Now it’s time to integrate!

At this point, the white tribe runs off from the beach and moves to the suburbs.

Jeff separates the women and men, then makes them all choose tiles, four of which are marked, resulting in four new captains, two women and two men: Cecelia, Parvati (which Jeff pronounces “poverty”; in my mind whenever I hear him say it, I always instinctively add “of mind” or “of soul”), Brad, and Jonathan. Then the captains have to choose new teams - the women have to choose women, the men have to choose men. And in order to determine which woman and which man goes first? Rock, paper, scissors. Seriously. I mean, I know it’s just another way to randomize, but it just seems so…I don’t know, low-rent. With the budget this show has, you’d think they could have come up with just one more silly prop. Whatever. Anyway.

Cecelia wins the tense battle to pick first by cutting Poverty’s paper with her scissors of death, helpfully relayed to us by Jeff’s stellar play-by-play (always my favorite part of the challenges). Jeff tells her she must pick someone not from her own tribe. So she picks “the pretty lady with the dreads” (Flicka). This confuses everyone around, because first, “pretty”? No. And also, she clearly learned some bizarro kickball rules, because everyone knows you’re supposed to pick the freaks LAST. Poverty picks “the cutie in the peach” (Jenny). “The cutie”? There is something very icky and patronizing about that. I mean, she’s what, like 36 years old, I think. But it might be just because I hate Poverty (and also, poverty). Flicka picks next, and it’s here that I notice that she has apparently inherited Sally’s turquoise thigh-high socks from last season. Can someone please explain this fashion trend to me? Because I really don’t understand it. Flicka picks Sundra, “the sister on the end.” OH NO SHE DI’NT. I’m pretty sure that having dreads does not automatically give you license to start calling black women “sister.” But she did, oh yes, she did. (Using clichéd slang in a summary by a goofy white girl such as myself, however, is totally allowed. What? I write the summary, I make the rules. Beeyotch.)

Anyway, the tribes sort themselves out as such: Girl team no. 1: Cecelia, Flicka, Sundra, Becky, and Candice. Girl team no. 2: Poverty, Jenny, Christina, Rebecca, and Stephannie. Boy team no. 1.: Brad, J.P., Nate, and Adam (who?). Boy team no. 2: Jonathan, Yul, Ozzy, and Cao Boi.

Okay, so now after all that, Jeff calls the captains forward again and has them all choose golden eggs from a tray. Yeah, eggs. I don’t know. Maybe I spoke too soon when I requested more fancy props. He tells them to squeeze the eggs with everything they’ve got. The eggs burst, shooting their loads of red and blue paint all over (I really feel like there’s an easier, better joke here, but I’m tired, and I can’t find it). It turns out that the colors signify which of the four new tribes will combine to form two (total) new tribes: Girl team no. 1 combines with Boy team no. 2, now called Aitu, and Girl team no. 2 combines with boy team no. 1, no now called Raro.

Got all that? GOD. What a ridiculously, unnecessarily complicated way to choose new tribes. There were about a billion different steps in there. It was like the Rube Goldberg method of tribe reshuffling.

And thus endeth the great social experiment of grouping the survivors by race, after only two episodes. Of course, as has been well documented before by my friends TJ and Dweeze, they’ve messed it up because it’s always the initial tribal bonds that stick regardless of race, and they should have started off all mixed up, not segregated. So this whole thing was kind of pointless. Not that we didn’t know that, of course. Also, I’m kind of peeved that the Hispanics won’t get to compete again as a tribe so they can lose for real and face the consequences of their stupid challenge-throwing (I suppose the results of this episode kind of accomplish the right end result, although I certainly would have preferred that that fuckstick Ozzy got booted; but I’m getting ahead of myself).

Can we just get to the challenge already? Oh wait, there’s no challenge. Time for commercials. Good thing, too. I need a break.

Commercials. Dell will build you a computer with the exact combination of parts and features you want, but everyone still gets an exploding battery.

At Raro beach (I think. I really am having a hard time keeping track of everyone), the tribe celebrates and decides to have a feast. I’m not sure what this feast will consist of, given that I don’t see that they were given any extra provisions, but whatever. Maybe it’s an imaginary feast. Nate does a weird little dance and says it’s the best day ever. These people do realize that they haven’t actually made it to the real merge, right? That there are still eighteen total survivors left, two more still than most of the earlier seasons?

The tribe sits down to discuss what they all thought of the original division by race. Several thought it was weird. J.P. thinks that good or bad, it was okay because it brings attention to it and makes people think. In case you didn’t know, J.P. obviously subscribes to the Paul Haggis School of Race Relations, which says that no one would ever discuss racism or recognize it as a problem unless it’s shoved in our faces by crass, heavy-handed popular entertainment vehicles. Also, everyone’s a racist. Yes, even you.

Stephannie says that now it’s all about people and who they are and what they bring to the tribe, and you really don’t see color! Amazing! Mark Burnett has conquered racism! I’m going to go run out right now and find a bunch of multi-racial friends, that’s how inspired I am!

Brad thinks it’s great, but first and foremost, it’s all about cold, hard cash. Cold, hard, fabulous cash.

At Aitu, the new tribe checks out the shelter. Apparently it has a fantastic wall that puts all other walls to shame. I don’t know. Cao Boi loves Cecelia and thinks she’d be an excellent restaurant hostess. And she’s Hispanic, but he loves her anyway! And he loves Flicka even though she’s not Asian! Aw. I feel all warm and fuzzy.

Cecelia breaks the news to Candice about the Billy-Candice love affair. Candice explains, yeah, not so much. But she laughs, and everyone kind of laughs, oh, isn’t that a cute and funny misunderstanding. They’re rather more mature than I think I would be about it, so I guess I have to give them credit for that (don’t worry, won’t happen again).

Back at Raro, the men bond over rock hauling. Why? Do they need a reason?

Poverty sits in a tree and tells us how she’s going to get ahead by flirting with the guys. It’s what she does best, she tells us. I’m not so sure. Her flirting is really rather sad and lame. And I have to say, both here and in previous episodes, it is so obvious that she’s an aspiring actress, and a very bad one at that, because she’s so totally trying to play the part of the Survivor Vixen, but since she’s not really an actual vixen (honestly, she’s cute, but I’d venture to say she nowhere near the hottest girl on the show, not by a longshot), it just doesn’t work. The whole thing is just so forced and pathetic.

At Aitu, the men build shelter. Snore. Becky recruits Candice into an alliance with Yul, and Candice proposes to add Jonathan. Becky says they need a fifth, and Jonathan says they can get Flicka, because he can get her to do whatever he wants, no question. Never mind that she’s a complete flake, but whatever. Details, details.

Jonathan approaches Flicka to reel her in, and I barely notice what’s said because I’m totally transfixed by the vacant, dumb, staring-at-nothing look that stays plastered on her face the whole time. I’m thinking that somehow, the ill-advised dreads have killed a whole lot of her brain cells. Flicka is ambivalent, and Jonathan tells her to think about it. And then he molests her. At least I think that’s what happened. I know his hand sure looked like it was heading to a place where it shouldn’t have been. I mean, we don’t want him catching any diseases, you know. Flicka tells us she’s not really into alliances, and she’s just here to make friends and see how far that takes her and not be fake. I’m not sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, she’s a certifiable moron, so there’s that. But I suppose it’s at least refreshing, in a weird way, to have a new perspective on the game. It’s not one that will get her far if she sticks to it, but hey, it’s new, so she’s got that going for her, which is nice.

On the beach, Yul and Becky discuss the various alliance possibilities. They declare their everlasting, never-to-be-broken trust for each other (which will surely be broken at some point), and Yul reveals, in a weirdly clinical fashion, that he found the hidden idol, and wouldn’t hesitate to give it to her if she were in danger. Incidentally, Becky is an extremely tiny person.

Commercials. If you’re a man who really, really likes meat, Quizno’s is the place for you. I think this new movie, The Departed, would be a lot better if it was called The Depahted. CSI: Miami - 100 glorious, orange, badly-acted episodes. All new Monday!

At Raro, it’s time for the exotic food-hunting scene. Every season has to have one. This time, we get Nate spearing an octopus. For some reason this makes me sad. I honestly don’t know why, because it’s not like I have any particular affection for octopuses (octopi? Neither is triggering the spell-check, by the way). Anyway, the octopus puts up a valiant fight, even going so far as to wrap itself around Adam’s body (though he managed to escape its clutches, continuing to squash my dreams of seeing a Survivor contestant get eaten by wildlife). Favorite part of the whole sequence? When Nate trash-talks the octopus. Octopus got played, sucka! Poverty bats her eyes (no really, she does, very obviously) and tries to flirt with Nate again, telling him it’s a lot of meat, and he needs it, and he could probably eat the whole thing himself. This is painful to watch. I think even I could flirt better than Poverty, and that’s saying something.

Time for the immunity challenge! No treemail this time, and no tribe-switching fake-outs. And hoo-boy, it the exact, same, fucking challenge from a few seasons ago (the one that jerkoff firefighter Tom won) where the tribes are chained together carrying weighted bags, and they have to chase each other around a corral in the water until one tribe catches the other and tackles at least one member to the ground. People can drop out, but they have to give their bag to someone still in the challenge. It’s actually a pretty cool and well-designed challenge, I think, but my god, it’s EXACTLY the same as before. Clearly the production crew wasted all their creative energy for this episode on the stupid integration non-merge merge, and they must have been all tapped out by the time it came to design the immunity challenge. I’m sure if they really had tried, they could have modified this even a little bit, don’t you think? Whatever. Run the damn challenge already.

Most of the women drop out early, but the Raro women last a little longer, and the Raro men are bigger and stronger, and before you know it, they catch up with Aitu. Yul comes up with the brilliant plan that he will physically fight off the guys from Raro, and, yeah, not quite. It’s rather surprising that he would think that it had even the slightest chance in hell of working, given that he’s supposed to be one of the smarter people there. Of course, we do have to remember that these are reality TV contestants we’re dealing with here, and everything is relative.

So Raro wins, and in addition to winning immunity, turns out that this time, they are the ones who get to pick someone from the other tribe to go to Exile Island. Which, if you’re paying attention, means that the person who goes misses tribal council and effectively gets immunity. Also it might fuck up the plans of that person’s alliance-mates. After a little discussion, they unanimously pick Candice, and off she goes.

Commercials. Dwayne Wade (a professional athlete of some sort; part of something called the “NBA”, I believe) wants to leave the world a better place than he found it. So he drives a big, gas-guzzling SUV. Why do mermaids always wear seashell bras? I’m sure there must be some more modest mermaids out there, maybe some who wear t-shirts, don’t you think? Why are they never depicted in movies? Wait, an action movie involving Kevin Costner and large quantities of water? That’s certainly worked out well before.

Back at Aitu camp post-immunity challenge, the tribe tries to figure out why they chose Candice to go to Exile Island. Yul thinks maybe it was because they didn’t think she was a threat and were trying to protect her. I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe someone from her old tribe knew something about her existing alliances and how they might be affected. Maybe they were trying to protect her from more unwanted advances from crazy, lovestruck tribemates. Maybe they thought she was too dumb to find the immunity idol (doubtful, though - isn’t she the medical student?). Or maybe someone just said randomly said Candice, and everyone was all, whatever, sure. Who knows. Who cares. Well, Yul cares.

Yul: Our alliance is fucked.

By the way, some random obersvations. Yul? Is ripped. If he decides to walk around all the time with his shirt off, I certainly wouldn’t mind one bit. Also, Cao Boi appears to be wearing a six-pointed star pendant around his neck. Is he Jewish? Not that it matters either way, but this was billed as the Race Wars Survivor, not the Clash of Religions Survivor, and I have enough to keep track of already. Also, I have no idea what my point here is.

Ozzy, Ceclia, and Sundra try to recruit Flicka to vote with them for Becky. Jonathan checks in with her again, and for some unknown reason, she tells him the other guys are voting for Becky, but also says she’s unsure who she’s voting with. Jonathan is understandably unhappy. It was right here, where she was getting practically the entire storyline, and neither of the putative boots were getting any screentime at all, that I was absolutely convinced that it was Flicka herself who was getting voted out. That’s what always happens, right? The wishy-washy fence-sitters always get tossed, because neither side can trust them. Keeping someone like that around is always a recipe for trouble down the road, right? Must.resist.obvious.question…

More boot discussion. Yul makes the case for Cecelia to Cao Boi. Jonathan works on Flicka some more. He tells her he’s trying to think ahead, and she says she’s not thinking ahead (she’s barely thinking in the present). He says “it’s like a game” (well, it is a game, actually), “it’s like a chess game.” Ohmygod, it’s totally like chess! Just the other day I was telling no one in particular, you know who Jonathan reminds me of? Garry Kasparov. (But seriously, if he ever calls himself the Chessmaster, someone needs to kill him.)

Anyway, Cao Boi doesn’t like all the scheming either, and says he has to check with Flicka first before deciding who to vote for. Wow, there’s an alliance of mental giants (watch them get to the final 2 just to spite me).

Tribal Council. Finally, thank god.

Jeff: Jonathan, before, we divided the tribes up by superficial racial characteristics, because the show has gone stale and we couldn’t think of anything else. Did that add anything to the merge?

Jonathan: No. Despite being idiots, we’ve still managed to be just a little less cynical than you and Burnett. I think the captains chose who they thought were the strongest, and I’m actually really pleased with the tribe. Despite the fact that the strongest people are actually on the other tribe. And that we lost and are sitting here with you. And that one of my alliance-mates got sent to Exile Island, so there’s a good chance another one could get voted out. But seriously, honestly, I’m very pleased with the way things turned out.

Jeff: Sundra, you have no friends, which makes you extremely powerful. Explain that logic.

Sundra: Well of course it also can make you very vulnerable, dumbass. But I am a polite person, so I’ll pretend you have a point.

Jeff: Yul, what the hell is going on here?

Yul: Some people are here to play the game and make alliances and strategize, and some people are just aspiring actors who want TV exposure.

Jeff: Jonathan, nothing wrong with either one of those things, both ends of a continuum.

Jonathan: Is that a question? And did you really just say “continuum”?

Jeff: Flicka, how big of a fuckwit are you?

Flicka: I guess I’m just not used to the manipulation or whatever. I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever seen the show before. Also, I’m totally toked up right now on some wild hash I found growing in the jungle. Peace out, man.

Jeff: Ozzy, how much do you suck?

Ozzy: A lot.

Time to vote.

Yul votes for Cecelia.

Yul: Nothing personal. I totally want to bone Becky, and it’s never going to happen if she gets voted out.

Ceclia votes for Becky. Nothing personal.

Sundra votes for Becky, says nothing.

Becky votes for Ceclia. Nothing personal. I’m sensing a theme here.

Ozzy votes for Becky.

Ozzy: You haven’t made any attempt to connect with me or get to know me at all. I will NOT be IGNORED.

Cao Boi votes. Not shown.

Jonathan votes for Cecelia. Nothing personal.

Flicka hesitates, still apparently undecided. Her vote is (of course) not shown.

Jeff: Tally-ho!

Cecelia
Becky
Becky
Cecelia
Becky
Cecelia
Cecelia

And Cecelia is voted out. Ozzy is sad. Sucks to be you, Ozzy. Also sucks to be a male viewer, I would think, as she seemed to be one of the better pieces of female eye candy. Oh well.

Jeff thinks one thing is clear - that the tribe is certainly not unified, and that could be risky. Well, that’s great and all, but if they’re not unified, they’re not unified. Sometimes people just disagree about stuff, you know? And also, tribes this big have never been all of one mind, even when they’ve voted unanimously or near-unanimously, because some people just vote with the majority so as not to expose themselves and create conflict. Doesn’t mean they were unified. Shut up, Jeff.

Commercials. I just realized there’s been a minor miracle. I made through an entire hour of television without seeing a single Peyton Manning commercial.

In Cecelia’s final words, she says she had great time, and she thinks the vote may have weakened the tribe. Okay, whatever.

Next time on Survivor: At Raro, lines are drawn! Oh no, does that mean they’re not unified?? Whatever will we do? At Aitu, Cao Boi harasses the wildlife in new and never-before seen ways. PETA is not amused.

Survivor Cook Island Episode Two – See That Chick Over There? She’s Totally Digging Me

2006-09-22T17:08:00.000-04:00

By Dweeze

Previously on Survivor: Liberal Guilt Islands

I know, I know. Somewhere around the 400th summary I wrote last spring I promised to give up the “Previously on” bit where I mention something that happened previously somewhere else other than the show I was summarizing. I tried to give it up. Really. I tried. But I’m an addict. I’ve got a problem. And I need help.

Previously on Survivor: Racist Pandering Islands

Ted tries to keep Robin from going on a camping trip so that she can spend time with him. Barney enlists the help of an old flame to perform a rain dance. Marshall finds out about Lily's interview for the fellowship in San Francisco.

Sorry. That was Previously on How I Met Your Mother.

Previously on Survivor: Cook Islands

We are introduced to our contestants, who are randomly split up into groupings that match their ethnic background. We have the usual scramble for supplies and the banishment to camps. There we experience the usual assortment of laziness, incompetence, questionable leadership choices, and a complete inability to build fire. JESUS H. FUCKING CHRIST ON A STICK, PEOPLE!!! The moment that being on the show moves from possibility to probability you should start practicing building fire every day until you reach the point that you can start a fire using nothing but sand and beetles. Oh, and a tribe with three women and two men voted out their strongest member, because we all know strength is of no importance in pre-merge challenges.

Previously on Survivor: Cook Islands (Special Extended Edition Previously On, written specifically for the release of this summary)

By the way, did you know that Anchorage, Alaska sits on the Cook Inlet. Cook Inlet and the Cook Islands were both named after explorer James Cook. Think about that – dood sailed to the southern pacific and Alaska. Think of the frequent sailor miles he earned. He had to have been on the run from something. Other items named after James Cook: Rachel Leigh Cook, Cook Books, Dane Cook, and Cook County, Illinois.

Previously on Survivor: Cook Islands (Extra Special Extended Bonus Edition Previously On, available only with the director’s cut of this summary)

There was a lot of pre-show speculation, particularly in the liberal blogosphere (and if you know me, you know I spend a lot of time reading in the liberal blogoshpere, and not because I’m looking for things to disagree with, but because that’s where my own political beliefs lie) that this was an attempt to cash in on some disturbing trends towards increased racism in society. I couldn’t disagree more.

That’s not to say that this edition was thought up as a social experiment, as high overlord Mark Burnett has claimed. Not to doubt the racial sensitivity of an Aussie, but as TJ so adroitly pointed out last time, if they wanted to make it a social experiment, divide the ethnic groups so that there is one member of each group on each tribe and then see if ethnic bonds transcend the tribal bonds that are formed in the early going of the game. As it is, as soon as one tribe gets to three people, if not sooner, we’ll have some sort of swap/switch/mini-merge and even though there will be all sorts of talk about whether or not ethnic bonds hold over tribal bonds, the simple fact of the matter is that it’s ALWAYS the case in these swap/switch/mini-merge situations that the tribal bonds that exist prior to the swap/switch/mini-merge trump tribal dynamics that form after the swap/switch/mini-merge.

And that’s also not to say that it isn’t an attempt to cash in. It obviously is. It’s just not an attempt to cash in on some growing racist sentiment that currently underlies society. It’s an attempt to give Survivor buzz, to make it hot again after a long time of being so cold they used it as background for the upcoming Happy Feet. It’s an attempt to get people watching at a time when the show faces perhaps the greatest challenge to its ratings empire since it became a break out hit. See, as we all know, it’s far easier to go with a cheap casting gimmick (I’m looking at you, TAR Family Edition) than to go with a close examination of the structure and details of the show with an eye towards change or modification or even, god forbid, asking a Mark Burnett who obviously no longer gives a damn to step aside in favor of a new production company who might care about the show.

But I digress.

We open at Hiki, where the now sudoko-less tribe tries to start fire with flint gained at tribal council. Watch them while you can now, folks, because you won’t see very much of them for the rest of the episode.

Over at Aitu, four people are working hard, fishing, spearing clams, gathering firewood, working together to build a tribe. Billy lays like a slug, which is his only strategy. In confessional Cristina talks about getting shot and almost losing her arm while serving as a police officer. Hey, Cristina! Man up! This one time, when I was playing God of War, I got my head chopped off by a Cyclops. Do you see me telling everyone about it? No way.

Billy finally rousts himself from his Jabba-like repose to see chickens. Cristina, having seen too many episodes of Lost, places a net on the ground in the hopes that a chicken will walk on the net and the tribe can hoist it. This works initially, but Kate is able to get the gun and the chicken is able to shoot the net down. Ozzy then, as nicely as possible, suggest that they trap the chicken using a tent. Cristina tells Ozzy that he acts like he knows everything. In confessional, Ozzy says he can understand that it probably makes her unhappy to have someone ten years younger than her giving instructions, and says that he would hate to take orders from a 14-year old. Hey Ozzy. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried, man.

Not that I speak from personal experience, of course.

They place the bait, a dartboard with a picture of Colonel Sanders taped to it, inside the tent. The chicken enters, they collapse the tent, and they have chicken. The tribe has a lovely chicken and fish dinner, though Cristina is still pissy that

A: They didn’t use her idea
B: Ozzy’s idea worked
C: Both A and B.

Puka is also in pursuit of Chicken-Americans. Yul devises a trap – actually, it’s the old box on a stick trick. Two chickens fall for it, though. One can see the eventual fight over Kung Pao or General Tso coming a mile away.

After counting their chickens after they were caught, Yul and Becky talk strategy. In confessional, they each voice respect for the other, Yul saying he doesn’t think Becky is only in it for the money despite being a lawyer, Becky saying Yul seems like an older brother, thus killing Yul’s Judge-Convict fantasy. And because of the casting gimmick, Becky mentions that the fact they are both Korean makes it easier to bond.

Last, and for all intents and purposes least, we look in on Raro, so named after the sound Scooby Doo makes when he says "Hello". Jonathan comes back from Exile Island, telling the kids to pick up their stuff and straighten up the beach. Seriously. He comes back, complains about Exile Island, and then complains even more about the fact that his tribemates did nothing while he was gone. He immediately decides that he needs to take charge on improving the shelter.

Jonathan suggests that they need to raise the shelter floor. Jessica agrees, and starts helping. Parvati, Candice, and Adam are talking about that dreamy Billy. Adam then tells everyone that raising the shelter floor is a bad idea. Deciding that "I’ll never be in Haiti again so why not have unprotected sex with a hooker" is a bad idea. Raising the shelter floor, so that you are less likely to get cold and/or wet, is a good idea.

Adam raises his voice, cause nothing says good argument like volume. Candice and Parvati side with Jonathan, which seems to incite Adam even more. What a guy. I’m sure our frield Flicka appreciates having the first tribal boot tag lifted off of her and placed on Adam. Candice pulls Adam aside and tells him that he shouldn’t make enemies.

Next day at Aitu, Billy is telling us that he loves hard work, and that he could watch it all day. Seriously. He says that his strategy is to lie around doing nothing but conserving energy while the others work hard. Needless to say, this wins him a lot of friends around camp. He justifies his lethargy to Cristina and Cecilia by saying his true cultural heritage is heavy metal, not Hispanic, thus cementing his potential to become one of the most idiotic players ever to play the game. My only fear is that he won’t be around long enough to make that happen.

We look in next on Puka, where Jenny has a headache and I didn’t even ask her for sex. Cao Boi uses his magic thumbs to pull the bad wind out of her, leaving a red welt in the process, and that’s nowhere near as kinky to watch as it reads.

Later in the shelter, Cao Boi, whose name seems like something you would see in a Yahoo chat room – not that I, uhm, have ever been in a Yahoo chat room, and certainly not under the name Dadys_Little_Princess, no matter what you may have heard – starts doing stand-up. He opens with a little insult material, picking on Jenny’s accent. He then dives straight into the inappropriate material, beginning with “what do you call a Vietnamese with three dogs?”

The rest of the tribe stops, mortified. Cao Boi says that he am what he am, that he has no hang-ups, that he can laugh at himself.

Good luck with that in loser lodge, dude.

In confessional, Brad tells us that, while the tribe understands Cao Boi, they worry that others won’t.

Others, not the others. I’m on a strict one-Lost reference per summary.

We cut back to the tribe in the shelter, arguing about the appropriateness, and we never hear the punchline. Far be it from me to deprive the reading public, so here is the answer presented as a short, one-act play entitled “Dweeze on Jeopardy”.

Alex: Dweeze, your pick..

Dweeze: I’ll take racist jokes for $200, Alex.

Alex: This is what you call a Vietnamese with three dogs.

Dweeze: What is a rancher?

Alex: Correct. Next pick.

So what was the purpose of all this? Was this Burnett’s way of saying that all the older abos know their place, and these young kids with their ideas about respect and dignity just don’t get it? Or is he just trying to edit in as much Cao Boi as he can before he goes? I mean, dude’s got “first tribal boot” written all over him, and not just because Brad found a marker left by the production crew.

Back to Aitu for a third visit, and if this doesn’t guarantee in your mind that tonight’s tribal council will be sponsored by Taco Bell, you haven’t watched the show enough. Billy is snoring so loud and obnoxiously that it makes Wanda’s singing seem like a beautiful lullaby. Ozzy tosses out the idea of throwing the challenge so they can toss out Billy. Cristina’s words say no, but her eyes say yes. Or maybe I am thinking of something else. JP tells us in confessional that he was thinking the same thing. About tossing Billy that is, not about the Cristina thing.

Day six, treemail. It reads

Work as a group
You fight to succeed
All but Aitu
Who wants the fat guy to leave

Yes, Aitu has an explicit conversation, sans Billy, who has wandered off in search of the latest issue of Kerrang!, about losing the challenge in order to boot Billy. JP declares more or less that he will throw the challenge all by himself.

Cut to the challenge area, where Jeff retrieves the parts of the immunity idol. It’s story and bondage time, kids, or as I like to call it, Saturday. First, Jeff reads to the tribes about Captain Cook. Then, the tribes are tied together and made to work their way over and under a series of logs and then through a field of poles to gather seven answer plaques. Carrying the plaques, they move across a rope bridge over a water pit and use the plaques to answer five questions about the story. Three tribes will get immunity, one of those will get reward (two tarps), and one tribe will go to tribal council.

Because we have unbalanced numbers, three tribes will sit someone out. Adam sits for Raro, Jenny for Puka, and JP for Aitu, even though Billy tried to volunteer to sit out. Not a bad strategy if you want to lose the challenge – make the fat guy go through the maze and over the water pit. Good thinking.

Jeff reads the story, and concludes by giving the tribes a chance to review a written version. Aitu takes him up on it, losing time while the other tribes go off on the maze.

The other three tribes work their way through to the answer plaques. Puka and Raro get their seven plaques one tribe after the other, making their way across the rope bridge. Hiki falls off the pace, but considering Aitu is acting like they are on a leisurely stroll, there are no worries for them.

Puka and Raro start putting answer plaques in place. Puka finishes and yells for Probst, but he makes them form on their mat. They get on their mat just as Raro does. Probst awards victory to Puka, much to Raro’s chagrin.

Meanwhile, Hiki gets to the mat and starts answering questions. Billy, on the other hand, drops off the rope bridge into the water pit. The finish isn’t even close.

Well, at least not for the final immunity spot. The finish for first is close enough that Probst goes to the replay official, who rules that the ball was not touched by the ducks before it went ten yards. Sorry. That was something else. The replay official rules that Puka and Raro arrived at their mats at the same time, and, as a result, tarps will be awarded to both teams. Tarps for everyone! Tarps for industry! Tarps for the dead!

Probst tells Aitu that at least they get to send someone to Exile Island. They choose Yul because of his strength.

Yeah, good idea. Send a talented player to the place where he can search for, and find, the hidden immunity idol. You should have chosen the laziest person possible.

Oh right, Billy. Make that the laziest person possible not on your tribe.

As the tribes form to leave, Parvati and Candice tell Billy they feel sorry for him. Billy replies that he’s next. Candice says the words Billy has longed to hear all his life from a woman who wasn’t related to him, “We love you!” Billy tells her back “I love you too!”

Back at camp, Ozzy admits, for the third fucking time, that they lost the challenge on purpose. This edition really should be Survivor: Beating You Over The Head With The Obvious Island. In confessional, Billy mentions that he is hoping to find an opening. He doesn’t say if he hopes to find the opening at McDonald’s or Best Buy. He certainly doesn’t appear to be looking for one at camp.

Cue Yul arriving on Exile Island. He has the clues, and immediately after telling us how much Exile Island sucks, begins searching. Irony! I love ya!

The clues instruct him to use the mast and an island to form a letter, then find a spot where he can see the letter but not see the south island. Yul immediately (in broadcast time, of course) finds the spot and commences digging. After digging up a big hole, he finds the hidden immunity idol.

Now, I don’t know if we are supposed to clue into some lizard brain “Asians smart!” meme or not? I do know that the clues could not have been easier to decipher. The dogs were sitting in the living room with me as I watched the show and THEY figured out where the damn thing was buried. Yul finding it is much less a testament to his abilities and much more a statement about Jonathan’s.

We cut to Aitu, where Billy is playing the sympathy card. He tries to convince Cristina to vote with him. Meanwhile. Cecilia says he looks like a zombie. A big, fat, zombie.

Cristina offers to talk to Cecilia. Man, that Cecilia. She’s breaking my heart. She’s shaking my confidence.

Baby.

Cecilia says she will vote with Cristina and for the briefest of moments our hopes are raised that we haven’t been handed this week’s boot since last week. It’s kind of like the feeling you have between purchasing the lottery ticket and the time the numbers are announced.

As we arrive at tribal council, those hopes are dashed. Billy is answering questions like a man who knows he is toast. Given Billy’s size, it would be Texas toast.

Jeff: Billy, did you try to be a leader?

Billy: I hit the ground running man…

Ozzy: More like hit the ground slow-walking.

Billy: (Ignoring him.) But eventually I said to myself, Billy. Don’t be a hero. Don’t be a fool with your life. Let Ozzy be the hero. Let Ozzy be the leader.

Jeff: Ozzy? Osbourne? Guillen? Smith?

Ozzy: (Clears throat.)

Jeff: Oh yeah. Sorry.

Cristina: Ozzy is not a leader. He just tries to take control, which is so unfair because I am trying to take control and he does it better than me.

Ozzy: Jeff, it’s not my fault I’m the only one who could think of a chicken-trap that wouldn’t embarrass Wile E. Coyote.

Jeff: Would you say you did a good job leading that last challenge?

Ozzy: Hell yes. We were trying to lose and we lost. That’s good leadership.

Jeff: What the fuck?

Ozzy: I mean no. Of course not. We lost.

Jeff: You threw the challenge? Billy, do you think they threw the challenge?

Billy: I know they did. They threw it to get rid of me. They think I hurt the tribe.

JP: You didn’t do anything! Why should we carry your weight around, especially considering how much weight there is to carry?

Billy: Man, I’m clawing and scratching like a wolverine to play this game.

JP: Dude, wolverines don’t usually lie around all day doing nothing.

Billy: I meant a lazy and fat wolverine.

JP: You have to make yourself a valuable part of your tribe if you want to stay around and have a shot at a million.

Billy, sensing his time is short, makes his move to secure his standing among the most idiotic castaways ever.

Billy: The prize for me isn’t a million dollars. The prize for me is love at first sight, mutual love at first sight, and I already won. I won love. Love, and her name is Candice.

Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): What the fuck?

Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): (Stunned silence.)

Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): What the fuckity fuck?

Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): (Stunned silence.)

Billy: Dude, Candice was totally checking me out, and after the challenge, she told me she loved me, even though she had barely seen me, and I wrote her a note and asked the dude from Puka to make sure she got it, and I told her I loved her and asked if she wanted to go to prom with me, or maybe just, you know, hang out and shit, and if that went well then she could decide if she wanted to go to prom, and even if she already had plans to go to prom it would be cool because I know she would be thinking of me, but I know that even if she has plans she’ll change them for me, I know she will, and even if she is reluctant I’ll get a boombox and stand outside her tent and play Peter Gabriel and that will change her mind, cause dude, that chick is totally into me.

Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): (Stunned silence, all backing away.)

Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): What the fuckity fuck fuck?

Jeff, JP, Ozzy, Cristina, Cecilia, Viewing Audience (Including Candice): (Stunned silence.)

Jeff: (Finally) Oookay. Uhm. Yeah. Uhm. Why do you think Candice would love you, you worthless fat fuck? No offense.

Billy: None taken. She loves me for my nunchuck skills, my bowhunting skills, my computer hacking skills.

Jeff: Okay. So, anyone here notice anything between Billy and Candice?

Ozzy: Nope.

Cecilia: (Giggling uncontrollably, shakes her head no.)

JP: Not at all.

Cristina: No. But I suppose it’s possible. I just don’t want to see him get hurt, like he will be if he ever shows up in my city where I’ll shoot him for trying to form an alliance with me.

Viewing Audience: Nada.

Candice: No. Fucking. Way.

Billy: (Turning his head, in a high pitched fake voice) I saw something.

Jeff: Okay, Billy, you’re officially nuts. Let’s start the process of getting you out of here. This vote is going to be more obvious than Ohio in 2004, but without the voting irregularities.

Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

We J.P. and Billy’s votes, and there are no surprises. We see the reading of the votes, and again, no surprises. Indeed, later we will see that it was a 4-1 vote. The second person voted out of Survivor: I Don’t Know How Much Of This I Can Take Island is Billy. Collect your skull’s head tshirt and leave, dude. Cristina gives him a hug and Probst tells the tribe that two issues, trust and work ethic, have been raised. He says work ethic has been handled but wonders if trust been dealt with.

Uhm, dude. I know it’s getting tougher and tougher to focus on what the tribes say as opposed to what Julie is going to do later, but they just got rid of the guy who caused both the work ethic and the trust issues. And with that, we can all return to camp.

On the next Survivor. We visit an octopus’ garden, under the sea. Parvati tries to use her womanly charms on Adam, and when that doesn’t work she slugs him. And Cao Boi GETS RADICAL!!!!!!!!!!!

As we fade into the stages of Vegas, Billy tells us that he got to live the dream of coming on Survivor. Don’t stop chasing the rainbow, Billy! He adds that it’s too bad there wasn’t a heavy metal tribe. That’s Survivor 15, Headbanger Island, Billy. You should have waited.

Survivor 13, Episode One

2006-09-17T02:37:00.000-04:00

Black Beans
and Rice

By TeamJoisey

Beaners and Darkies and Chinks, oh my!
Beaners and Darkies and Chinks, oh my!
Beaners and Darkies and Chinks, oh my!
Beaners and Darkies and Chinks, oh my!

Dammit Agnes, there’s brown people on my telebision! Where’s ma damm gun? Git Homeland Sicurrity on the phone. These damndable furriners are taking more jobs from gud ol Amurricans! What the hell is hapnin to ma country!

Yes, my friends, it is time for Survivor 13: The Last Desperate Gasp for Attention. This season’s “social experiment” will address a major divisive issue in this great country: The predisposition among non-white folks for collecting unearned money after lounging around all day. (Except those little Asian people. They are just here to steal the good jobs, like delivering my kung pow chicken.)

You may have heard some fuss about this polarized casting. Politicians have spoken out. Ethnic organizations have spoken out. But I'm here to tell you, a journalist’s careful analysis proves that Survivor contestants have always been carefully profiled. Detailed charts will show that each and every player in the first 12 seasons fits into one of these four distinct profiles:

Domineering, self-important pricks
Language-mutilatin’ idjits and weirdos
Model/actor/bartender/rocket scientist wannabes with shining bodies
Clueless bozos and mincing nitwits that stumble their way to the final four.

And you’ll soon find that each member of this season’s cast fits into one of those groups. So why have they chosen to split this season’s tribes along silly headline-grabbing ethnic lines? Why? Because no one wants to watch this pathetic “social experiment” any more. Hell, no one even wants to play this pathetic “social experiment” any more.

Evil Pecker Mark Burnett freely admits most of this cast was dragooned into playing the game with the promise of free checking and hot monkey love with Julie Berry. Casting agents stalked Chinese restaurants, taco stands and chicken joints; they put headlocks on anyone who fit the previously stated four basic groups and wasn’t actually eating mayonnaise.

Like all the previous stunt casting, this is quite obviously a ratings ploy. It’s been pitched as a way to see if alliances based on ethnicity will hold as the game progresses. As in next week, when they smoosh them all together anyway.

Hah! “Alliances” and “hold” in the same sentence. What would have made this more interesting would have been to split them into completely diverse groups at the start, and see if ethnic alliances formed as the game progressed. That would have been a “social experiment.” Unfortunately it would prevent the producers from opening the show with a collection of jokes from the KKKatskills Book of Humor.

Is this first episode full of insipid racial jokes? Yes, yes it is. I, for one, am sorely disappointed. It really takes the luster off my own attempts to be horrifically offensive. What will I do with all my black beans and white rice? What will I do with my Speedy Gonzales pictures? It's a crisis I tell ya, and a cryin' shame. But let's get on with it.

So here comes another season no one wants to watch and no one wants to play. And still, somehow I’m watching Jeff Probst bounce along in the surf aboard some replication of the Nina, the Pinta, or the Santeria. Twenty people on the verge of vomiting surround him, and those are just his makeup people.

While Jeff gives us his standard opening blather about these people having to survive in the unforgiving wilderness on nothing but their wits, the assorted cast members begin looting the ship, accumulating more supplies than a U.S. platoon in Kabul… which they promptly dump to the bottom of the Pacific.

And just whom are these scrambling morons tossing all those live chickens out to sea?

The Beaners,
aka the Aqui Tribe

Ozzy Lusth, 25, was born in Mexico and spent most of his young life on the lam to avoid prosecution for pimping his seester. He eventually shimmied under the wire just east of San Diego. He settled in Venice, California where he spends most of his days surfing and most of his nights cleaning tables. He also owns a small poppy plantation in Panama. He has extensive wilderness skills and once “camped out” for five months to avoid execution by a Panamanian drug cartel.

Cecilia Mansilla, 29, emigrated from Peru when she was 15, learned English at 16, and grew large breasts at about the same time. She has since parlayed those puppies into a job as a “technology risk consultant for a professional services firm” although that probably means she screens phone calls for a cleaning service. I’m getting a Feisty Latina vibe. I need to come back and fill this paragraph out a little later, because right now Cecilia is a complete cipher.
Except for the boobs.

Billy Garcia, 36, is a heavy metal guitarist who was born in New York and moved to Miami when he was seven. You can’t get more Hispanic than that. Fatso here is also an obscure professional wrestler working under the name “Spanish Fly.” He’s a former Marine, a former club bouncer, a former national AAU wrestling champion and formerly 100 pounds lighter. His teammates will have to drag his worthless ass to the finish line every three days until the coronary kills him. And then, in true “Survivor: Andes Mountains” style, they will cook him and eat him. After the copulatin', of course.

Cristina Coria, 35, a Santa Monica native and a police officer in her hometown, has beaten death twice. Once she was nearly crushed against her squad car by a drunk driver. After recovering from that, she was shot in a hostage standoff and was advised she might never use her left arm again. Through extensive therapy she regained use of that arm and went back to playing cop, just like her daddy did before he was shot and killed when she was 12. That’s three irrefutable messages from God. Clearly, Cristina is monumentally stupid and reckless.

J.P. Calderon, 30, is about as Hispanic as Tobey Maguire. He grew up as a worthless beach bum in Marina Del Rey, California and went to college on a full volleyball scholarship. Now he’s a pro volleyball player and a fitness fanatic who does some modeling. He also “coaches” a volleyball club for young girls. I’m certain he has an extensive video archive of high school girls leaping around in extremely small, tight panties. I’m not certain he’s as interested in those films as some other weasels might be. Did I mention J.P. lives alone in Long Beach with his Jack Russell terrier Frankie? J.P. Calderon is either flamboyantly gay or screwing packs of underage girls every other night. And here in Amurrica that gay thing is just unacceptable.

The Chinks,
aka the Pukey Tribe

Yul Kwon, 31, is the California-raised offspring of Korean immigrants. Like all other Asians, he was valedictorian of his high school class. He has a theoretic science degree from Stanford and a doctorate from Yale Law School. He has worked for numerous law firms and judges, and even Senator Joe Lieberman. Yul Kwon helped write our homeland security legislation, but probably not the part that says, “toss all the gooks back into Manzanar.” He also worked for Google and now does management consulting. He’s tremendously wealthy and highly educated, yet he roots for the San Francisco 49ers. He lists his favorite hobbies as boxing and politics as if they weren’t the same thing.

Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, is currently a real estate agent in Lake Forest, Illinois. She is of Filipino ancestry, so they’re stretching that Asian thing a bit in order to get her cleavage on to the show. Jenny is a former print journalist and a former television journalist whose career started to sag about the same time as her breasts. Despite 13 years of ballet training, she was a fierce tomboy growing up. She still participates in a lot of sports, including volleyball, fencing and tennis. She has taken up belly dancing, much to the delight of her husband Don. I hate her. I envy Don. Folks usually have to fly to Manila to get women of this caliber for less than eight dollars.

Becky Lee, 28, the daughter of Korean immigrants, grew up outside Pittsburgh. She has all sorts of college degrees, including a Juris Doctorate and a degree in woman’s studies, whatever that is. (Is that the same as staring at videos of nubile girls in their tight panties?) Becky is currently an attorney living in Washington, D.C. while working for the prevention of domestic violence. In case that restraining order doesn’t work, she is also a kickboxing instructor. This little fortune cookie enjoys “hot yoga” and traveling to warm climates with her girlfriends. She’ll be the first to propose the chick alliance, if you know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink.

Brad Virata, 29, grew up outside Seattle. After graduating from college he traveled throughout Europe and Asia working as a "model" in "private fashion shows." He then went to Los Angeles to study fashion design and began a career selling crappy clothes. He’s now the director of Men’s Merchandising for Lucky Brand Jeans, and isn’t that just fabulous. The Bradster is another volleyball player and surfer born to live in Santa Monica where he can wander down and stare at the Muscle Beach show. Just loves orchids, Will & Grace, Pictionary and Fresca Pomegranate. I suppose it won’t be much of a surprise to learn he’s a volunteer with the AIDS Project of Los Angeles. I predict Brad will be the decisive factor in the “perfect pleats” challenge.

Ahn-Tuan “Cao Boi” Bui, 42, is more than a little strange. He’s a Vietnamese refugee who left that country when he was 11. Last time we asked, they don’t want him back. Right now he’s working in a nail salon in order to fulfill the INS requirement imposed on all Vietnamese immigrants. He has never been touched by scissors. He is a veteran of the U.S. Army and has worked as a photographer, used car salesman, a fisherman and a farm hand. He has hiked the Appalachian Trail and biked across the country. He holds the world record for marathon softball. He believes neurological disorders are the result of adverse meteorological phenomena. And yet, somehow, this creepy little mystic is a high-ranking member of the Moose Lodge with a wife and two kids who lives in Christianburg, Virginia.

The Darkies,
aka the Hickey Tribe

Nate Gonzalez, 26, was born in Staten Island, but eventually found his way to California, land of casting agents. He studied theater in college and plays with numerous musical groups. That’s code for someone who can’t keep a gig for more than two nights. Right now he’s a shoe salesman and a sales rep for a hip new urban clothing line in which your jeans hang around your kneecaps. Would it surprise anyone to learn he really likes basketball and reggae? But let’s talk about that “Gonzalez” last name. Does this mean he can form an alliance with the Beaners? Holy cow… are there black Mexicans too!?!

Rebecca Borman, 34, got on this show because she was on the makeup crew. Seriously, that’s how desperate they are. Rebecca does the TV makeup for former Survivor player Elisabeth Filarski Hasselbeck, the bubble-headed but luscious loon on “The View.” Who knew you could win an Emmy for putting your gunk all over Elizabeth’s face? Rebecca grew up on Lawn Guyland in New Yawk and studied theater in college. Her mother is a school principal in snooty White Plains, NY, while her father is a retired banker living in Lawn Guyland with his new wife, a professional belly dancer. I’m sure Rebecca took that well. When she see dat belly-dancing Jenny, she gonna cut dat bitch.

Sundra Oakley, 31, wants to be an actress. She’s done some Off-Broadway theater (yes, Fantasy Show World is still there on Ninth Ave.) been in some commercials, been on “Sex and the City” and even “CSI: Miami Always Looks Orange.” The folks at Survivor probably got her resume during a frantic search of CBS file cabinets. It is possible Sundra slipped it under a cocktail napkin at her job as a waitress at a Hollywood nightclub. She lives in (surprise!) Los Angeles with her son, but she was born in New York to Jamaican parents. That explains the cloud of funny smoke, mon.

Sekou Bunch, 45, currently lives in a place called Los Angeles, but he was born and raised in New York. His creative streak has brought him recognition as a painter at age 7, as a renowned break-dancer after that, and as a musician since he began playing the bass at age 15. He earned his first gold record at age 19. Since then he’s played with a long list of stars. He’s appeared in several films, and will be in the upcoming “Dreamgirls” with Jennifer Hudson and Beyonce Knowles. He’s quite the creative type, unless you need a viable shelter or any kind of cohesive plan to survive outside a sound studio. Frankly, I don’t know how this guy even got to the beach. Survivor casting agents probably found him playing on stage during S11’s reunion show and withheld the paycheck until he agreed to do one episode on the island.

Stephannnnie Favor, 35, cannn’t spell her nnamme. Neither can herrr husbannnd, Roddddd. And I despise people named Stephannnnie anyway. She’s nnno threattt to annnyone, so she’lll stick arrounnnd awhile. Let’s dispense with this one quickly: Born in South Carolina, graduated from Clemson, served in the armed forces during Desert Storm. She’s worked in a few accounting jobs and now she’s studying nursing. She likes gospel music, and her favorite movie is “The Sound of Music.” I get it: nuns singing=gospel music. But hep us Lawd Jebus if she be startin’ ta sing, doh. Dat’s a sho way to get sent home. Can I have an AMEN on dat, sista Wanda?

The Crackers
aka the Lame-o Tribe

Adam Gentry, 28, is a very, very white boy. Born in Ol Virginny. Edumacated in Ol Virginny. Worked as a personal trainer in Ol Virginny. Eventually realizing he’d never get on television while stuck in Ol Virginny, he packed it all up and went to… Southern California. Now he’s a copier salesman who dreams of making it on TV. Or making it on the coffee table, and then on the TV, and then on the credenza. His hobbies include “going out with friends, going to the beach.” Those aren’t actual hobbies, you shallow jackass. Take up f’ing volleyball, fer crissakes. One other creepy element: His favorite actress is 11-year-old Dakota Fanning. Why do I think he has the grainy outtakes of her infamous nude scene?

Candice Woodcock (heh heh, you said wood cock), 23, is also a pathetically perfect Pepsodent person. She’s from Nawth Cahlina where she was president of her high school class and captain of both the soccer and cross-country teams. She got a perfect score on the math SAT and got full scholarship offers from Dook and UNC. She was smart enough to avoid Dook, and finished with two bachelor degrees and a minor in chemistry. Now she’s a pre-med student at Georgetown. She wants to be a doctor in developing nations. After watching Survivor Africa she decided to spend 10 weeks in a mud hut in Kenya atoning for the ludicrous behavior of Suthrin Idjit Big Tom Buchanan. After that she spent a summer studying health care in Chile and Peru. She loves to drink Red Bull, which explains a lot. I’m getting tired just writing all this stuff. Pretty, blonde, young, smart and rich. I think we can all agree she needs to be killed immediately.

Jessica Smith, 27, is everything Candice is not, and remarkably similar to someone we all hated last season. Shouldn’t there be a limit on fire dancers with stupid blond dreadlocks? This one also bills herself as a performance artist, and claims to be sociable. I think we’ll find that's spelled “sociopath” by the time she leaves. Jessica Smith is not just another fire dancer, by the way. She’s sorta well known by her Roller Derby name, Flicka Flame, and was the captain of the infamous undefeated VooDoo Dolls. What with all that tattoo ink, I’m not sure she qualifies as a white chick. But needless to say, she was born, raised and lives in California.

Jonathan Penner, 44, of Los Angeles, California. A native of New York. OK, I understand there are not a lot of Guatemalans in Idaho, but why do all the white people have to be from California? This attitude-laden jackass is an actor/writer/producer/director whose done bit parts and regular roles in various television shows. He was nominated for an Oscar in 1994 for a short film no one ever saw. To establish his Cracker cred he attended uberpretentious Phillips Andover Prep in Andover and Sarah Lawrence College. He also has a wife and two children with the insipid names of Cooper and Ava.

It's nice to see a contestant so conveniently labeled. Parvati Shallow (yes, shallow), 23, is a toothy waitress in Los Angeles who also boxes. Yes, boxing. Punching and stuff. In fact, her bio says she is most proud of being a boxer for Perfect 10 Model Boxing. You know, Perfect 10, that “classy” nude magazine. And OK, I checked: She didn’t actually make the magazine’s final cut. So Parvati is most proud of taking off her clothes to pose for a cheesy nude rag that found her so revolting as to be unpublishable. Maybe she ought to just stick to the tight-panty volleyball movies. But here’s the good part: She grew up in a commune, left her family at age 17 and put herself through college to get a degree in ... journalism! If it weren’t for that apparently hideous nude body, Parvati might have a career as an “editorial assistant” with a major player in the Eastern Liberal Media Elite.

That’s it. Twenty people who don’t deserve our attention, never mind a million bucks. I don’t know what you’ll do on Thursday evenings, but I’m going to TIVO a week’s worth of Howie Mandel and watch that instead.

Commercials
Ashton Kutcher is an action hero out to save Kevin Costner’s career in The Guardian … Dog food that turns Pomeranians into basketballs … Lysol food sanitizer will prevent Mom from killing her children … Stepin Fetchit be sellin Radio Shack in a laughably racist ad … Taco Bell got the casting memo, and they’re on board … CBS promos …

When we return, the teams are furiously paddling their little stick rafts toward the one big island in the distance. Parvati is breastfeeding a chicken. Various contestants comment on the ethnic division, including Yul’s concern about caricatures and stereotypes. Damn slant eyes are always whining. And Parvati asks if ethnic casting is “kosher.”

As Team Aqui paddles toward the island, Billy comments on his parents’ illegal immigration status, and then proceeds to declare the Hispanics will do well because they are all from a tropical setting. Greaseball Wetback here lives in New York, of course. When they hit the beach he starts “explaining” everything to his teammates and then proceeds to demonstrate complete ineptitude. Ozzy, on the other hand, builds the shelter and climbs a tree to knock down coconuts. I saw a spider monkey do that once outside Cancun.

As Team Pukey paddles along industriously, Cao Boi starts spouting Asian jokes. He continues on, despite his teammates' pleas that he stop. His first confessional consists of telling us yellow people have all the brains, none of the strength and they will be underestimated. He seems to be speaking in haiku. His tribe dislikes him immediately. He admits he doesn’t fit “the Asian stereotype.”
No, he fits the other stereotype: inscrutable weirdo.

The colored folk of Hickey decide to “represent” for the African-American culture. They want to show that black people can swim and that all those stereotypes are wrong. They proceed to build a shelter by braiding palm leaves into cornrows. The arguing starts and eventually their natural stupidity and laziness takes over. They lie around waiting for FEMA to arrive. Sekou boasts about his leadership, which consists mostly of ordering the women around him to assemble a pathetic pile of palms that won’t survive a brisk wind. He declares it to be “low income housing” and suddenly they all feel comfortable again.

And what of our Crackers? Team Lame-o has already ostracized Flicka by making her swim along behind the raft for six miles while the beautiful people sit in the sun. Jonathan gives us a
confessional full of big phrases like “cultural similarities” and “specifically cohesive.” The whiteys don’t think the ethnic thing is going to matter much, probably because their sense of entitlement has already told them one of the shining perfect white people will win. Except for Flicka, who quite clearly does not fit in with the sorority chicks.

They gather on the beach to congratulate themselves, and Jonathan admits he choked the Chinese chicken. They carefully contain the chickens beneath a wooden box. Minutes later Flicka accidentally frees the chickens, setting off an inane and futile chase through the jungle. The crowing rooster torments them. The shining white people prepare to pluck and roast Flicka.

Commercials
Careers over - Martin Lawrence and Ashton Kutcher are now voicing bad cartoons … British dude Bams away toilet scum … a birth control pill that shortens the menstrual period … get email on your phone … Amazing Race promo featuring beauty queens and a marathoning female amputee. Pfft. That’s easier than watching this stupid show for nine hours … James Woods is an intense lawyer, and Dennis Haysbert is proud of his unit …

When we return to the show, we get a quick travelogue shot of Stingrays of Death and a moray eel. It is slightly less unnerving than the shot of Cao Boi pretending to be Yoda.

Meanwhile, the dusky damsels of the Hickey Bunch get all Baptist-preacher excited about “finding” the clearly identified barrel of water provided by the producers. We get a few minute of expository bonding between Sundra and Rebecca, followed by the inevitable outcast jealousy from Stephannnnnie. For those new to the show, this means Team Hickey will lose the challenge. Stephannnnie will become the swing vote deciding between the two guys and the two best friends.

Time for the obligatory fire building exercise, in which Sekou vows to never give up. Moments later he’s expended all his energy and is again lying around wait for FEMA to show up. Swinnngvotin’ Stephannnnie complains about him.

It’s night two at Camp Lame-o, and the Candice is getting chilly, and perhaps a little nipply in that Perky Pepsodent way. FlickaFlame says she’s “freaky cold.” The tribe decides to snuggle together while they sleep. Jonathan snuggles up to Parvati's back, Parvati snuggles up to Candice’s back, Alex snuggles facing Candice, Flicka snuggles up to, um, nobody. No one else cares or even notices. But they certainly notice Candice and Alex can’t stop “warming” each other all night long. Romance, or just frottage? Who knows. But there was “grinding” going on, and that’s a word with very unpleasant memories.

Day 3 dawns at Pukey, and Brad is complaining of a sinus headache from being seasick all day. More likely it is dehydration, caffeine withdrawal or hunger, or perhaps allergies to something in this new environment. But mystical weirdo Cao Boi decides he has the “bad wind.” Personally, I sometimes get the “bad wind” when I eat with Aqui Tribe. I'm not sure it is the same thing, but both requiring nose pinching.

Cao Boi goes all HongKongfooey on Brad’s head, finishing by repeatedly pinching and yanking on the center of his eyebrows. Once a humilating welt starts to form, Brad is declared healed. The girls laugh at Brad’s bruise, and HoChiMinh there ridicules them for losing touch with the ancient ways of the old country. Dude, she's from Indiana. Yul calls him a random kook (that’s with a k) but feels that some of his nuggets are actually useful. With sweet-and-sour sauce maybe. But you better get him a hairnet.

Commercials
Some penguin cartoon … Ethnic humor for a coat store … Energizer for skydiving … college football … CSI … Letterman … news promo … Chevy … casinos … Beauty and the Beast on Broadway, now starring Donny Osmond.

Finally some tree mail.

Paddle for your fire,
But puzzles decide your fate.
Send a black man home.

Teams arrive at the challenge, and find Jeffy wearing a very silly hat. He asks about the stolen chicken, and we find out Jonathan took a chicken rightfully belonging to the Pukey Tribe. Jonathan claims he didn’t know it was someone else’s chicken, and he'd choke it again tomorrow.

Jeff describes the challenge. Assemble seven pieces of a puzzle boat. Use seven braces in specific spots to lock it together. Paddle out and light a torch. Come back to the beach and take the boat apart. Use 16 blocks to build four small puzzles representing the points of the compass. Use the boat braces in specific locations to climb a tower, put the small compass puzzles in the right holes, and get your team to the top and light another torch. That’s three puzzles in one event. No spears to be chucked. No lawns to be mowed. No crosses to be burned. Only brains required; I think we know how this is going to turn out.

The first three tribes to finish will get flint to start fire. The winner gets an additional box with matches, kerosene, kindling and tinder. Losers go to Tribal Council. Jeff reveals the three-piece idol statue, and holds up a secret note that he’ll describe after the challenge.

The challenge begins.

Was anyone else surprised to see the Asians put the puzzle boat together in seconds?
And how about those hard-working Mexicans?
Was anyone else surprised to see the black team fail?
Was anyone else dismayed to see the knee sock fashion statement?

The Challenge
Teams, competing.
Jeff, narrating.
Blacks, failing.
Billy, stumbling.
Asians, winning.
Latinos, finishing.
Blacks, catching up.
Crackers, being stupid.
Jeff, favoring whitey.
Flicka, cracking butt.
Honkeys, keeping down the homies.

Still wearing that silly hat, Jeff distributes the prizes and pieces of the idol, and then reveals the latest “twist.” Which isn’t a twist at all. Welcome to Return to Asshole Island. The losing tribe gets to send someone from a winning tribe all the way to godforsaken Panama for two nights. And yeah, there’s a double secret immunity idol. Same schtick as last season. Twist this, jerks.

Nathan actually says, “Das what I’m talkin’ bout.” He and Willis step away from the ovary-addled members of the tribe to make a man’s decision. They choose chicken thief Jonathan. Nathan actually says “karma iz a bizzle.”

Jonathan gets a group hug that involves much fondling of genitals. Jeffy gives him the Big Book O’Clues. Chickenboy sets off for Panama, the others go back to camp.

Commercials
Audrey Hepburn’s corpse is violated for a GAP commercial … some drug-induced drama with Abe Lincoln and a woodchuck, designed to make you want these drugs … The Rock in the ripoff “Remember the Titans’ Longest Yard” … CSI is back, and Sarah’s “dusting for fingerprints” in Grissom’s lap … Amazing Race promo … promos for other CBS crap … Heideous and Jenna take their clothes off for peanut butter …

Off we go to Asshole Island, where a fake shipwreck has been verrry carefully arranged on the sand. Jonathan reads the clue, and for some reason, he can’t immediately solve the puzzle. I’m 5,000 miles away and I can see the answer on my television.
A top grade = the letter A. See those two masts jutting 30 feet out of the sand and joined together at the top? With one log crosses between the two? Yeah, I saw It’s Mad Mad Mad Mad World. Get your Alan Alda whitebread ass up and walk around staring at it until it looks like the letter A.

Now, Jon, you’ll notice the sun is setting. Quite often that occurs on the western horizon. Face the setting sun and look to your left. That’s the southern island. What might obscure your view of an entire island in the distance? Perhaps that big ship thingy?

Now using these visual elements, find the location where you can see the big letter A, and not the southern island. Dig. Win game.

You’re welcome.

What does Jonathan do? He digs randomly around the base of the big letter A. Whines about missing his children instead of doing something that might benefit the little bastards. Looks under deck boards. He doesn’t deserve to win a dollar.

Back at Camp Hickey, the mis-representin’ has begun. The men conspire, the women conspire, Stephannnnie is torn betweennn two cammmps. Sekou is to blame for all the troubles, Rebecca and Sundra need to be split apart. Yeah yeah. Sekou tries to persuade Stephannie to keep him because he can start a fire. Uh-huh. Whatchoo tawkin’ bout, Seiko? Deys no fire here. Blah blah blah, we've seen this a hundred times. Get on wit it, yo.

Off to Tribal Council, a large wreck marooned on the sand like a beached whale. I’m struck by the apt metaphor for this whole series, which has swum to shore to die. Jeff invites them all onto his Deck of Death and has them light torches. The questions begin.

Jeff: Rebecca, is any one of the homies steppin up to be the fly?

Rebecca: We gots ahh sevvs a big guy. Dat Suko, he be building shit and shit. Like dat.

Jeff: Sekou, did you play on dat?

Sekou: Homey don’t play dat. Dey jes knowed I be da man. Jes sayin is all.

Jeff: Nathan, have you started feeling up da bitches?

Nathan: There’s a beautiful spirit here. We are as a family. I will not have you tarnish it, sir, with your vile insinuations. We are a beautiful people God hath most favored.

Jeff: Did youse notice you all is black? And whitey put youse off on yo own eye-land so’s we doan hafta even smell youse? Whazzup wit dat? Fo shizzle?

Nathan: It is apparent to us that this striation is merely a ploy. However, we are not persuaded it will achieve the effect you desire. If, in the short term, we must endure such humiliation, we will present our best efforts, sir, and racial bias be damned. Damned, I say!

Jeff: Sundra, anybody been hooking up yet? Has there been any grindin’? We love grindin’.

Sundra: I been lockin on Rebecca, she my flygirl. And damn, dat’s a fine fine bootay.

Jeff: Stephannnnie, you have no friends.

Stephannie: Dose hoes wanna get down, I’ll cut them up. I be waitin for the moment, and then bam, I slice they face. Annnnd didyyall nottice I gotts ann exxtra lettter inn maa namme?

Jeff: Rebecca, wif onny tree days to figger, hows can you vote awreddy?

Rebecca: Hell, Sekou screwed up and he’s got a big mouth. We gonna “correct” that shit right here right now.

Jeff: Start the pig roast!!

Voting. Sekou picks Sundra, Rebecca writes Seko. The rest are all "secret." Blah blah blah.

Tally the votes:
Sandra
Sekou
Sundra
Seko
Seiko
Psycho
P Diddy

First person voted out: Sekou. Small tears from some, but the big guy is not at all surprised. Snuff, go away. Jeff sends the Hickey Tribe back to camp with a flint. As soon as Sekou is out of earshot they start singing Kumbaya.

What, no Febreze moment?

Next time on Survivor:
More bad ethnic jokes, and Aqui considers throwing a challenge to get rid of the fat, greasy, lazy wetback. Well yeah, that describes all Latinos, but this time they mean Billy.

Survivor Panama: Stoopid Island, Finale Summary: Whackjobs and Fucktards and Boors. No, Bores. Aw, Fuck It, Both. Oh My.

2006-05-15T16:50:00.000-04:00

by Landru. I mean, DUH...

We must first deal with the issue of Episode Thirteen, which will forever be known around here as The One That Got Away. Here is the summary of it, by Dweeze:

Eep. I guess I was supposed to summarize again. Okay. Here goes.

Previously on Survivor: Nothing worth devoting more than a paragraph to, especially considering it was the first Survivor Non-Philimination. Terry pissed some people off. Cirie got overly worked up. Aras secretly longed to be Terry's son. Danielle and her implants tried to avoid getting booted. In other words, same shit, different day.

There. Happy?

Thank you very kindly, Dweeze. Yes, we are. Happy, that is.

Now, for the finale:

Previously on Survivor:

There was a great deal of activity that occasioned much brakage. Dweeze bitched about being the only one to write summaries around here. I ignored his bitching and got laid on Friday nights anyway.

I did not watch a single episode of this program until the death of Dan the Astronaut, meaning that I did not, like you, waste hours and hours of my life on this season. Okay, I watched several episodes later—everything after the jury grew to two people--but y’know, a lot of these dead bodies mean nothing to me, and in about three hours? I’ll be able to just mercilessly and randomly savage bunches of people who I’ve never heard of until this finale recrap.

Yeah. That was foreshadowing. Did you see it? It was subtle. Go on, deconstruct.

First, of course, you must sit through a story about me. Why would it be otherwise? Why else would I write a summary, if not to make you sit through an incessant drone of piles of verbiage pertaining to me and to nothing else?

The me story is also about why. Why would I not watch such a huge portion of the season of this show, which we have made so central to our television existences these last few years? Why would I abandon Probst? Have I completely lost my mind?

Because it was boring and formulaic and not-at-all innovative, and on many Thursday nights, I had better things to do, like contemplate things I pulled out of my nose. And because he’s a dickhead. And yes, but if that’s news to you, you need to reexamine the contents of your own nose.

Fuck the story about me. Let's just get to the recrap of the recrap, because I need to go through it so that I can properly mock everyone, as is their due, when we get to the traditional ritual of me lying through my ass about the reunion show. That is, after all, what you pay me for. All in all? I’d rather be writing about The Amazing Race.

The original 16 were, as you no doubt know, but in a revelation shocking to me, split into four tribes, stratified by age and gender and sentenced to occasional terms on Exile Island. The elders did well, focused as they were on tasks and the benefit of their age and wisdom; the youngers foundered, content with dreams of Starbucks and each others’ genitalia. Misty, whom I thought hot before the season, was the first to be exiled, and to have a chance to comb Exile Island for a secret immunity thingie that ended up not being used directly to anyone’s benefit. The old broads lost the first immunity challenge, and Tina, whose presence on the show apparently revolved around worship of her tragically deceased son, was brutally offed.

The stratification ended quickly, as a gym class pick-me exercise led to two tribes of mixed descent, the winners and the losers. While Shane, a pathologically insane freakshow who had miscalculated his quit date for smoking, wanted to quit and immerse himself in a nicotine haze, Aras, a smug, hypocritical, misogynist prick, ordained that one of two large women, one of whom was apparently still wearing makeup after six days in the jungle, would be the first to go, and so the still rouged-and-lipsticked Melinda was shown the door, apparently after an open and vomitorious discussion among the entire tribe in which Aras beat down many arguments with his penis and Shane ranted.

Drama queen Shane managed to rile the entire tribe, thereafter, as token large black woman Cirie maneuvered to save her skin. The tribe won consecutive immunities and the loser tribe killed off the once-hot Misty, and marble-mouthed Ruth Marie. Arrogant, ringknocking fighter jock Terry was exiled, apparently repeatedly, and found the secret immunity thingie, provoking later on a boring multiepisode sequence of manipulation and rudeness.

The previously winning team lost an immunity challenge and took the opportunity to discriminate against the token large mean black man, then won a challenge, provoking the departure of astronaut Dan, in an episode that I actually watched, having, for some reason, nothing better to do with my time. I escaped to China to avoid the wretched fate of having nothing to do on Thursday nights, and the Tagis set into motion yet another vicious pagonging as the merge commenced.

Arrogant shitheel Terry won a number of consecutive individual immunities to send the rest of the unfortunate Pagongs to hell—theoretically nice Nick, annoyingly spiritual Austin, and way too blonde Sally.

A reward challenge designed to reveal who one should take to the final two revealed that “fire dancer” Courtney, a confused, new-age-twit, nightmarish yet-another-freakshow, was by far the most unpopular member of the surviving band. This should not have been surprising, given her complete lack of predilection for coherent thought and her thorough encapsulation of all that should, in our culture, warrant lynching. Plotting to help Courtney survive commenced immediately, but before that crisis could reach a denouement, tiny Asian art teacher Bruce, known and beloved hereabouts as Mister Miyagi, suffered the consequences of failing to excrete for ten consecutive days, and was whisked from the island in excruciating pain, his every orifice blocked by dehydration and bad diet.

A series of strength-and-endurance-based challenges designed to keep the supercilious dickweed Terry in the game commenced, and he won them; secret evil genius Cirie used the occasion to mastermind the ouster of annoying persons who good players might try to drag to the Final Two, notably Giant Flaming Ball of Irritation Courtney and Howling Mad Shane, leaving us with a final four of Terry, Cirie, Aras, and obnoxious hyperNewYorker Danielle, and confirming our impression of the New Survivor Paradigm, in which we must always--always suffer the Final Two predations of some braying jackass from New York or New Jersey, which are, after all, pretty much the same fucking thing to normal humans (and while I’m truly at least a bit sorry to insult my friends from New Jersey that way? Ah, fuck you, you fucking fucks.).

What? She’s from Boston? Meh. Same difference—it’s not like anyone normal can make that distinction. Fuck you, you fucking fucks.

So after Aras finally beat Terry in a hostile reward challenge and gloated about it like the smug piece of feces he is, he again beat Terry in the immunity challenge. After Terry refused to give Danielle the Secret Safe Word (and ultimately sealing his fate—had he secretly slipped her the secret immunity idol and pretended he still had it, he would very likely have made the Final Two and, as it later developed, won the game), Danielle and Cirie faced a tie vote and a fire challenge, leaving us…where we are, which is watching credits and:

Commercials, brought to us by Charmin Megaroll, and GM:

Retro film clips and seventies-style rap, for GM; cartoon bears reminding us of the importance of having plenty of toilet paper on hand for our guests, for Charmin; cute child voices, for AIG; a fake game show interrupted by Mister T, another in an increasingly annoying series of T-plagued commercials for Comcast On Demand; CBS, for CSI: Crockett and Tubbs, and for another damn country music awards show. What? You like country music awards shows? Shut the fuck up. Eh? No. Shut up. Really.

And we’re back, at the previously interrupted tribal council fire challenge between annoying, squawky Danielle and annoying, chirpy Cirie. We are building a fire and burning a string. One wonders if they keep this setup on hand for every single damn Tribal Council, or if they only drag it out for the Final Four vote, which seems to be the single TC most plagued by tie votes. We are treated to Probstian narrative: noun, participle, object. Rupert, flapping the skirt. Colby, fucking the mother. Colby, soiling the Aztec. Dani, inflating the lips. Dobby, clutching the blanket. JennaMo, flaunting the breasticles. Julie, slobbering the Probst. Sigh.

The other annoying thing that Probst is accomplishing here is his usual coaching of the contestants, mostly Cirie. This effort fails entirely, because Cirie is too dumb and panicky to build a fucking fire.

After a number of false starts—both contestants go for the quick knockout and fail, both of them seriously endangering their cause in doing so—Danielle patiently builds a little birdhouse in her soul. That was code for making a fire. Her string burns. We are now Cirie-free.

She is gracious in her death throes. She’s lost a crapload of weight, she’s done things she never dreamed she’d do, she lasted far longer than she hand any right to last, she’s conquered her primal fear of leaves. She’s proud, and she really probably ought to be.

Back at the ranch, Danielle builds fire, exercising her newfound fire-starting skills. Fuckwipe Terry is thrilled, since he and Danielle have a pact to take each other to the final. Aras mopes about, contemplating his flawed and poisoned chakra. In the morning, Captain Arrogance shows off the immunity idol and boasts of how he kept it hidden in his underpants. Danielle correctly interprets this behavior as gloating. It is another step in the slow fall of the ridiculously overconfident carrier aviation superstar.

I must here interject that I support our troops. Committing to military service is a testament to one’s character and selflessness in service of a greater cause. As it happens, I detest the use to which our nation’s military is presently being put, but that takes away nothing from the men and women who serve, despite what psychotic jingoists would have you believe. The reason I interject this dose of politics into an otherwise pallid commentary on popular culture is that I am about to trash the United States Navy.

I have long lived in an area with very conflicted feelings about the military services. Many locals are employed in the defense industry; many friends of mine have made good and happy livings, serving in or working for the various services or their civilian leadership. The area is overwhelmingly liberal, though, and populated with employees of all manner of other federal agencies, this area being Your Local National Capital, and those employees tend to compare their agencies' budgets to those of defense agencies and feel rather tiny and insignifcant in the process.

All this is well and good, and the consequence of a free and nominally open society. What drives me nuts, however, is the proximity of a bastion of the USN, one that unduly captures the fandom imagination of an unhealthy proportion of locals. I speak of Canoe U, the United States Naval Academy, our nation’s second-oldest and most culturally, academically, and athletically inferior military academy. On fall Saturdays, the quaint local village of Annapolis, capital of My Local State, one-time very brief (I dunno, 12 or 18 hours—my history correspondent can probably be counted on to validate this premise through actual research) capital of Your Local Country, is overrun by men in gold-trimmed blue baseball caps bearing the names and unit designations of various battleships, cruisers, carriers, and submarines, driving Cadillacs (badly), speeding to Squid-Jarhead Stadium on Rowe Boulevard to cheer on their little punkass blue-and-gold football team.

This is an abomination. Go Army, Beat Navy.

The point of all this sideways ranting is that Terry is one of those fuckhead Annapolis graduates who sits in meetings beating his Academy ring on the table, hoping to assert his dominance over you, whoever or whatever you are. We call them Ringknockers, and they are evil. They are the men (and please note the forlorn lack here of the traditional qualifying phrase, “and women”) who, having finished the actual work/fighting/danger portions of their military careers, bring you spectacular events like wars in Vietnam and Iraq, national wiretapping programs, and the advent of American fascism.

Terry is, without qualification or reservation, one of these men. And he’s incompetent at it, because if he weren’t, he would’ve won the game.

And I do abjectly apologize to those friends of mine and others, members or dependents of the United States Navy, who are not actually fuckheads, but merely suffer, in the course of serving their country and making a living and supporting their families, the depredations of fuckhead ringknockers like Terry. There are those who are disappointed by the eventual outcome of tonight’s finale; I’m among them. But I’m not the tiniest shade disappointed that this arrogant mindraper didn’t win.

We devote here a considerable amount of footage to the rivalry between Aras and Terry. Both are intensely competitive, at levels far transcending the usual definition of “hypercompetitive asshole.” They compete without mercy or remorse over challenges, fishing, dick size, and making smug, self-satisfied pronouncements about their own superiority. They’re really stunning jackasses. Danielle contributes to this scene a confessional that strongly hints that she’s deeply emotionally committed to Terry in the long-term strategy sense.

We’re off to a challenge, and it’s for reward, that being a crapload of food and a cot, with bedding, to help prepare the lucky winner for the final immunity challenge the next day. The thinking is that this will give the winner a big boost in the IC, which can only consist of something related to balance and endurance, as it always does. Always. Every fucking time. Don’t even think about having a final IC relying on anything else. Ever.

K, so we have to run a stick through a maze carved in a giant board, which frees a bag of pegs, then follow a series of clues on a spinning wheel to find the right bag of more pegs, then use the shape-coded pegs to climb a three-story climbing wall, bringing all of the pegs with us, then insert the right pegs into the right holes to release our little flag. Got it?

Danielle ends up clueless and doesn’t even get to the point where she’s climbing the wall. Aras and Terry are neck and neck the whole way, and Terry wins because Aras is too effing stupid to fit the right peg in the right hole under pressure, standing there and trying to jam in a misshapen peg as Terry blows by him. Terry indulges his peculiar form of gloating, telling Aras how wonderful he is as Aras mopes in defeat. Graciousness here would involve a couple of words, and leaving the poor bastard alone, but Terry has to tell Aras how wonderful he is, the implication being not that Aras really is good, but that Terry’s just better.

Febreze brings us Cirie’s family moment, which is no less insipid than anyone else’s family moment, and we’re off to

Commercials, which begin with, of course:

a bunch of deeply disturbed chemical-huffing schoolchildren, for Febreze, which I will one day try on the lingering smell of old farts that plagues my personal vehicle; a glutton and a fast-food employee, advising us of KFC’s latest innovation, which is to dump a whole bunch of differently textured and flavored trans-fatuated slop in a bowl and top it with cheese and gravy, because the mashed potatoes, corn, and flash-fried chicken skin underneath just doesn’t contain enough fat; Heather Locklear, who, I am told by various supermarket checkout magazines, can’t stop licking Richie Zambora’s tattoos, for L’Oreal (which, in deference to my harsh femicritics, I have here endeavored to spell correctly); oblivious morons, for Verizon, which wants you to—get this—buy your mother a phone for Mother’s Day, as if she doesn’t already have enough ways to drive you completely bugfuck; a trailer, for a Pixar (uhm…now “Disney presents Pixar,” actually) offering about anthropomorphized cars that appears to be a pretty good suckoff for the NASCAR industry, geared as it is toward interesting ever-younger wee folk in the thrill of guzzling Budweiser, beating the wife, and staring at the tube waiting for spectacular flaming high-speed automobile accidents; CBS, for the finale I wish I were writing, and for CSI: Showgirls and Sleazebags, and for the silly missing persons show; My Local News, with an alarmist tease about children asphyxiating each other; a thrillseeking moron in the driveway, for the Association of My Local Honda Dealers; and a very amateurish 10-second late-night cable commercial, for some local window ripoff shop.

And we’re back. In the jungle. In Panama. Again. Mommy, Mommy, can we get the Panamanian government to host another fucking season of Survivor? Huh? Huh? Can we?

Gods, I hate everything.

Back at the ranch, Aras is cleaning fish, and Danielle is grooving on coconuts. They discuss the forthcoming immunity challenge; Aras is oblivious to Danielle’s deal with Terry. Danielle just sits and lies. Terry returns, minimizing the giant feed he has just experienced. Aras glowers at him behind his back, then confesses that the pressure’s on Terry now. He further ~~confesses~~ whines about Terry’s perceived dominance.

And now it’s time for the final IC, which is, of course, Fallen Comrades, and which will transpire on Exile Island. It promises to be mawkishly horrible, but at least we’re no longer putting on warpaint for this traditional 10-minute travesty of television. We are treated to footage of each of the losers, accompanied by loser voiceover. Tina’s voiceover is weepy and focused on her dead son. Fat Melinda tells us how tough she is. Misty learned a lot and will never go into life or a game being anything other than herself. What, she’s a shapechanger? Ruth Marie is unintelligible, perpetuating the reality show myth of the Southron retard. Bobby tells us he came out to smack people down. After a public blowjob from the ringknocker, Dan the astronaut blathers about the joy of experience. Nick tells us it’s all great. Austin blathers. Sally whimpers. Bruce expounds on the challenge of being tiny and Asian. Courtney is a fucking new-age blithering idiot and needs to shut the fuck up, a whole lot. She tells us she’s not going to be handed the million dollars, but she’s going to make it on her own.

Uhm…Courtney? You’re not going to make a million dollars as an idiot star-gazing, navel-gazing, fire-dancing twit. Here’s a fortune cookie for you: a change in financial strategies would be in order.

Aras calls Shane both ugly and beautiful, then Shane raves, telling us he’s going to be effective “for the planet.” Not if I see you first, you fucking loon.

Finally, Cirie tells us about all the fears she’s overcome: leaves, carpet lint, things that are sitting more than 12 inches inside her refrigerator, chihuahuas, closet doors, water, air, and television programs on networks other than Paramount.

Jesus God, are we at the fucking IC yet?

No, we’re not. First, we have to burn things. Survivor is obsessed with burning things—every fucking thing in sight—in the finale, and this is no exception. The giant wooden skull on Exile Island is torched, giving off clouds of pollution that can be seen from as far away as Ascension Island and the Galapagos. And before we get a freakin’ IC, we have to go to:

Commercials, brought to us by another bad Adam Sandler movie:

a trailer, for the aforementioned needless perpetration of Adam Sandler’s existence; more retro music and film, but this time it’s for some financial planning subsidiary of American Express; a hockey coach, for the wonder drug Plavix, which is attempting to prevent my next heart attack while making me bleed profusely every time Squeaky buries her not-inconsiderable claws in my back in the throes of passion…well, uhm, okay, fine, in the throes of punishing me for my many and varied sins; a man being sniffed by women on a bus, for some detergent; and CBS, for Charlie Sheen Can’t Act, and for the Julia Louis-Dreyfuss thing, and for the next rock-star reality show.

And we’re back, where it really is time for the damned immunity challenge. This will involve balancing on increasingly tiny floating platforms suspended in a little floating frame thingie. It looks tremendously unfair—the platforms are all hooked together, and it seems that one person, especially the one in the middle, could take out anyone she choose when she falls.

They balance for 15 minutes on the first platform, then have to crawl to the next tiniest platform. Probst interrogates them; when that fails to provoke a response, he resorts to heckling them with narration in an effort to get them to lose their concentration. He scolds Danielle for thinking about food in the middle of a challenge, thus reminding her that Terry has eaten like a king, and she has eaten sashimi and maggots.

Everyone manages the second platform; things are a little wobbly, here, but everyone does fine until it’s time to move again. They crawl to the next platform, which appears to be about 18 inches wide. Aras has trouble getting on board, splashing and flailing; Terry’s difficulty is worse. Danielle is smart enough to squat until she absolutely has to stand. Terry flails wildly, unable to get up until the very last second. Terry doesn’t last long, falling off and into the water. The resulting splash does nothing to disturb Aras and Danielle. Aras looks to Danielle for guidance; she nods at him, clearly making him a promise, and he falls off into the water. Probst reminds her she has a huge decision to make; smoke immediately begins streaming from her ears, because she has now promised each of her competitors that she’ll take them along to the Final Two. Oops.

No time to worry about Danielle’s plight, though, because we’re off to:

Commercials, brought to us by GMC, again:

the Survivor commercials narrator, for some contest involving the GMC Yukon and some Webcast thingie of parts of tonight’s festivities; windmills, in fact, a veritable wind farm, and various displays of massive architectural and design prowess, for GMC's gigantimongous engineering testicularity; a trailer, for a violently awful-looking Vince Vaughn/Jennifer Aniston vehicle; a tude-laden woman, for Scrubbing Bubbles; a large black man speaking in a Valley Girl voice, for some Citi thing that prevents identity theft; CBS, for Dave, and for bad sitcoms, and for the bad Navy CSI ripoff, and for the bad military show starring the guy who used to be President on 24; a fawning dweeb on a homoerotic fishing trip with his buddies, for some SUV; annoying voiceover, for various Toyotas; kids playing football, for Canon; and My Local News, telling me that authorities are trying to remove a beached whale from one of the Delaware beaches, which reminds me—vaya con Dios, Ghandia.

And we’re back, with crabs on a beach, being pursued and eaten by seabirds. Uhm…okay, that’s some sort of foreshadowing, but I’m not sure to what is pertain.

It’s time for a whole lotta nasal Danielle whining about how hard her decision is. Now, here’s the thing; there’s a betting spoiler that says Danielle is going to win, and the thing about betting spoilers is that they’re never, ever wrong. And there was a tease last week telling us that this season’s competition at the end is one of “the closest ever,” implying a close vote. However, when you start to count jury votes and work on the various scenarios, it’s a little difficult to figure it all out—especially the 4-3 part. Who’s she taking with her that gets us to 4-3? Will tribal loyalty win her votes with her former mates, if she takes Terry? Or will they get pissed off that she screwed Aras? If she does take Aras with her, will that tribal loyalty pass to her? It’s a big old mess.

From a survivor dislikability perspective, it’s a tough call, too. Terry is a class A asshole, arrogant, unrelenting, selfish, gung-ho, and utterly sneerful about his own goodness and wholesomeness. On the other hand, Aras is a smug, condescending, snot-nosed, punkass bitch who seriously needs to be slapped down some indeterminable number of pegs. I can’t do the math here, and neither can Danielle.

Further, she’s made promises to both of them. She’s forced herself into a place where she’s just plain gonna be a lying bitch.

Terry makes his relatively gentle pitch to her as they carry water back from the cistern. Danielle responds that she didn’t expect to be in this position—she clearly expected to be relying on either Aras or Terry to take her along for the ride. She’s done her own calculation about dislikability.

To Terry’s credit, he tries real hard not to be a prick in responding to her. He claims that, had he won immunity, he would have already told her he’d be selecting her for the ride. Nice try, Firefighter Tom. Gawds, the selfishness and arrogance of these fucks is appalling and neverending.

Danielle is, legitimately, concerned about which of the two she can beat. She points out to Terry that if he hadn’t been a big dick about the immunity idol and forced her into a flame-off with Cirie, she’d definitely have taken him to the Final Two. Oops. Smells like death, Ringknocker. Shoulda worked on them people skills while you were off topgunning air-to-air missiles up other jocks’ tailpipes.

Terry does work the tribe loyalty angle, but Danielle isn’t biting. Correctly, as it happens. She asks that he respect whatever decision she makes; he tells her that he’s “not going to sit there throwing daggers at you with my eyes from the jury.”

He’s lying. Come the final TC, where he will, in fact, be sitting on the jury, Terry high-handedly lectures her about honesty and integrity, the classic and traditional refuge of Survivor losers.

Danielle reminds us that she is indecisive because she’s a Gemini.

No, Danielle, you’re indecisive because you’re weak and stupid. But keep clinging to that whole astrology liferaft thing.

Time for Aras to make his run at Danielle. He was assuming he was safe, knowing nothing of Danielle’s repeated soulful doe-eyed promises to the ringknocker. Shoulda gone along to get water, Yogaboy. He works the guilt angle, tries to be manipulative while denying he’s being manipulative, and then threatens her with the loss of his and Cirie’s votes. He reminds her of her lilypad promise. She tells him that he’s “pretty much” golden; he whines plaintively about the qualifier.

What a schmuck. We’re really in for a dismal finale, aren’t we?

Danielle goes off to be alone and think about this. Aras spends the rest of the day threatening and cajoling and manipulating. She is deeply disturbed by this.

Oh, fer heck. Just get us to the fucking TC.

Which, after more whimpering about “the journey,” is made so. Survivors, jury, Probst, brak brak brak.

Danielle goes into her public whimper about the difficulty of the decision. Terry admits that he had the hidden idol, and whines about having fucked up the final IC. Aras lies about his manipulation and badgering. Probst turns up the heat on the bimbo Danielle, asking her again if things are getting more difficult. Then he drops the boom and makes her vote.

She wanders up to the voting booth, and seems to linger there for a bit before finally writing down Terry’s name. She’s not convinced she made the right choice, even as she drops his name in the bucket. As we’ll find out later, there was no right choice—she’s fucked either way.

Terry thanks everyone for “the journey” and marches out. Probst gives us the usual brak brak brak about the almighty power of the jury, and we’re off to Terry’s loser confessional (“I shoulda won the last challenge,” rather than “I shoulda given her the damn idol,” which is a lot more to the point), and then we’re off to Terry’s Febreze family moment (which appears to involve half the population of Utah), and:

Commercials:

the same chemical-huffing schoolchildren, for Febreze, again; some cartoonized guy, for Chuck Schwab; a trailer, for some bad movie on DVD; robots and their voices, for AT&T; plants blooming and slugs crawling, for Sears; urban metamorphoses, for Chevy; and CBS, for CSI: Original Flavor, and for this year’s stunningly abysmal version of Big Brother, which will apparently be chock full of All-Star goodness in addition to the now-disgraced Julie Chen Bobblehead Blowjob Doll.

And we’re back, with Aras and Danielle gloating about being in the Final Two. Aras waxes philosophic, then lies, telling us he played the game with integrity, completely ignoring his whining and manipulation and bullying over the last 24 hours.

Here’s a clue, people. “Integrity” does not mean simply “not lying,” and since Aras has lied, anyway, that doesn’t much matter. Integrity is a package of behaviors. Just because you claim you didn’t lie, and you’ve told yourself whatever group of lies is required for you to believe that you haven’t lied so that you can look into the mirror or the camera or the eyes of your surfbunny girlfriend and not break down weeping over the hideous poison that has infected your mortal soul, doesn’t mean that you played with integrity.

Aras is really a smug, sickening, self-absorbed prick. Please, please, please, kick him in the perfect teeth that his parents paid for.

Danielle confesses that she took Aras because she’d have slapped everyone from her former tribe in the face by taking Terry. She knows she still needs to sell the jury.

Day breaks, the rosy fingers of some chick named Dawn intruding on the tropical paradise. Breakfast is provided, and the two pig out. They take a walk down the beach, Danielle drinking a mimosa from a champagne glass, Aras swigging from the bottle. As they walk over some rocks, Aras suddenly slips and falls, the bottle shattering, the drunken lout plucking shards of glass from his back, his hand torn and bleeding in several places. Oops.

This has the makings of a perfect ending, except for one thing: the self-righteous, haughty weasel doesn’t bleed out on the beach.

Danielle, by the way, never relinquishes her grip on her champagne glass.

Aras staggers back to camp, reeling. Danielle supports him. She confesses that blood freaks her out. The doctors show up and stitch Aras up, and sadly, he stops bleeding. Injections are given, Danielle is freaking. They ignore her pleas to drug him up beyond all possibility of consciousness. Aras confesses that his ego has been crushed.

I submit that this is not possible. The size of Aras’ ego is simply beyond crushability.

And after a plug for Buffs, we’re off to:

Commercials:

a trailer, for yet another Superman movie; men in white, on a film set, with asshole director Wes Anderson, for American Express; lobstermen, for FedEx; weather, for Folgers coffee; some chick, for some Crest product; CBS, for Dave, and for the Charlie Sheen Must Die show, and for the Julia Louis-Dreyfus Really Isn’t Very Funny show, and for CSI: Sipewicz Hates You; a busy restaurant and a waiter doing long-distance takeout, for some car that has a built-in computer with a link to Zagats; condescending voiceover, for some truck; musical chairs, for some credit card; a television chef, for My Local Supermarket Demi-Monopoly (shut up); and a brief sponsorship announcement, for Purina.

And we’re back, and isn’t it about time we got to fucking Tribal Council?

Why yes. Yes, it is. We have to deal with a little maudlin music and some more of Aras’ bullshit about his crushed ~~balls~~ ego. He braks about being able to connect with people at a deeper level.

Shut.

The.

Fucking.

Fuck.

Up.

You.

Fucking.

Fuck.

Have you fucking bled out yet, you conceited twit?

Okay, now it’s about time we got to fucking Tribal Council.

Oh, for fucking heck. More brakage. SHUT UP!!!!

Finally, to TC. The jury is walked in, Shane spitting derisively as he saunters into the jury box. There is some Probstian brakage about Aras’ injury, followed by a bit more of Aras’ bullshit, and then we’re on to the usual bullshit about the power of the jury, and how the finalists both assraped everybody on the jury, and brak fucking brak brak brak.

Aras gets the first opening statement, blithering about how he got to know and connect everyone on the jury, then lying about how he played with honesty and integrity. Danielle thanks everyone, referring again to “the journey,” which is apparently a phrase with which Courtney has poisoned everyone. She acknowledges that everyone lies, calling on them to recognize that Aras is no better than she is.

In actuality, he’s a lying fuck, but slightly less of one than she is. That’s his big advantage going in. She’s a more bald-faced liar, and these juries are pretty susceptible to fine distinctions in judging the lying liartons who (rightly) populate this game and (rightly) make it to the Final Two.

But before the interrogation, we’re off to:

Commercials, brought to us by GMC and some dumb Webcast and game:

metaphors for agility and precision, for GMC; a trailer starring the voiceover of Patrick Stewart, for the next installment in the neverending series of X-Men movies; people stalking a convenience store, for Edy’s ice cream; people doing dextrous things, for a new rheumatoid arthritis drug that will provide relief for your symptoms but destroy your immune system or get lymphoma (I am not kidding about their confession about the possible side effects); CBS, for CSI: Crockett and Tubbs, starring the ineffably talentless David Caruso, and for The Amazing Race.

And we’re back for the torture session.

Sally is up first, and she congratulates them and claims that she has not yet decided on how to vote. She asks who of their former tribemates was most responsible for them being in the final two. Both Danielle and Aras make a play for Cirie’s vote, claiming that it’s her, and relentlessly kissing her ass. Sally is satisfied and fucks off.

Mister Miyagi is up next. He bows to them, and makes the obligatory Japanese ethnic slurs. He asks them what they’ll do with the responsibility of having a million dollars. Aras’ answer is completely self-centered; he will improve the planet by improving himself. Mister Miyagi’s head spins. Danielle will give speeches to small children. Shane’s head spins, although that could just be because of the momentum from it having been spinning for his whole life. Mister Miyagi bows again and stereotypes back to the bench.

Terry steps up and immediately lectures Danielle, telling her that she didn’t have to be dishonest, and that she’s way off base. Yes, yes, the song of the loser. “I never lied, I never lied, I never lied.” Except just there, because yeah, you lied, and you were deceptive, and I hope that you are consigned to the Hell to which you just pretty much out-loud wished Danielle, you hypocritical ringknocking piece of shit. In fact, this statement is so outrageous that it doesn’t matter what you asked them, because it’s sheer self-serving bullshit and you’re obviously voting for your Homo Love God Aras, the only person here who you think beat you, even though Danielle kicked your pasty ass in the last IC. So shut up and go away until it’s time for me to savage you in the reunion transcript, you arrogant fartbag.

Austin, who looks like a Neanderthal, telegraphs his vote by speaking kind words to Aras about his injury, asks them to each give an example of a good move and a bad move. Danielle thinks getting the large black man voted off instead of Mister Miyagi was a good move, even though Mister Miyagi ended up oozing feces, and that dicking Courtney off was maybe not a great move. She’s right, because Courtney is a vengeful bitch. Aras is proud of having told Melinda that she was going home, because it made him feel good, and he’s a good person who played with integrity and stuff. He’s less proud of voting Shane off, and admits having lied to Shane; nevertheless, he played with honesty and integrity.

Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ, do these assholes come anywhere near listening to themselves?

But the dullard Austin is perfectly satisfied, and it’s Courtney’s turn. She blathers about having dropped her guns in the Sea of Forgiveness, then blathers on some more with sour grapes about both of them having stabbed her in the back. She lies about regret and anger and tells us that she’s a bird and she’s gotta fly and she can’t be weighted down by all this regret and anger. Which is, clearly, still weighting her down. Because she’s a really fat, angry, stupid, vengeful bird, apparently. After an interminable stream of consciousness, she asks them what they learned about themselves. Aras starts by defending himself against Courtney’s accusation that he stabbed her in the back, then immediately backpedals, professing to take full responsibility.

Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ, do these assholes come anywhere near listening to themselves?

Apparently not. Aras claims to have had his ego smashed. Courtney claims hers was, too. For my part, I do not believe that either of them is any less puffed up full of shit than they were before this experience.

Danielle learned self-reliance. Courtney should find this touching, but she’ll vote for Aras anyway. She pronounces that she’s glad that everyone’s learned something. Oh, Christ, just slump over, bitch.

Cirie steps up and asks each of them to give a campaign speech for the other. Danielle claims that Aras is honorable and respectful and a great person. The best Aras can do is that Danielle didn’t let him bleed to death. Cirie goes away happy; her mind was made up.

Shane raves, just raves. He’s pissed off that it’s Aras and Danielle, and thinks Terry should’ve won. He tells Danielle she was useless around camp. He doesn’t know about the outwitting, because she can’t complete a coherent sentence and he was with her for 36 days and knows nothing about her.

Uhm…Dumbo? That’s a pretty good indicator that she outwitted you, you psychotic crock of unrepressed ego.

Shane castigates Aras about having lied, and about having betrayed their bond. He lashes out at Aras’ youth, and lectures about how we can’t be judged on our intentions. “If I were judged on my intentions,” raves Shane, “I’d be President of the planet.”

Well. Thank Jeebus we’re not judged on our intentions, huh?

Shane continues that Aras is “broke, homeless, and freeloads” off his Dad, and doesn’t “know what it’s like to be judged.”

Uhm…I think maybe he’s getting taste of it here?

Shane continues his very bad Greg Buis imitation, already having ripped off Greg’s coconut phone idea, by asking the two finalists to pick a number between one and a million. Aras picks four. Danielle, in a spate of brilliance that secures her one of her two votes (they were lying about the closeness of the vote), picks ten. Both of them are sullen and listless as they answer.

Shane really is a mean fucker.

Jiffy gives the finalists a moment to think about their closing statements, and after a plug for Buffs, we’re off to:

Commercials:

a trailer, for the upcoming Disney/Pixar thing; spring-like noises, for AIG; a blonde in white…oh, holy crap, it’s Claudia Schiffer, for some L’Oreal (Twice! Twice I spelled it right! Take that, feminist cosmetics jihadists!) product; suggestive images of feminine curves and ice cream, for Tide, and since it develops that the curves are on an extremely pregnant woman, the suggestiveness of this thing is really a bit overboard (your money back if you’re the first male to comment that your wife/mate has never been sexier than when she was preggers, and come to think on it, double your money back to the first female to claim that she has never been sexier than when she was preggers...); images of America being hated, relating to the upcoming World Cup, for Gatorade; bad home video, for Royal Caribbean, which continues its unabated string of allowing me to note that Iggy Pop’s “Lust for Life” is not, in fact, about taking tropical cruises; CBS, for bullshit Monday night sitcoms, and for Dave; more condescending voiceover, extolling GMC’s engineering superiority; a black man in a suit, for Verizon DSL; some woman claiming her kid was on something like Fear Factor, for a regional banking monolith that we like to call Walkoveryou; and My Local News, for itself.

And we’re back, and it’s time for closing statements. Danielle blithers about her personal strength, and about how she’s an opportunist. She then completely blows it, claiming that she played with honesty and integrity. Y’know, mostly. She falls back on asking the jury to consider the outwit, outlast, outplay thingie, the implication being that she at least outwitted and outlasted. Then she begs them for the money.

Aras goes back to extolling his virtues and his strength at establishing real relationships. He equivocates about drilling Shane, and sucks up some more by thanking everyone for playing.

Jiffy gives the jury their instructions, repeating the usual brakage about wanting to see your name on the parchment.

Austin votes; as he does, Burnett chooses to show us snake footage. Cirie votes, then Bruce votes, showing us his vote for Danielle, lecturing us about some spiritual claptrap. Sally votes, then Courtney gets up to vote, revolting Shane with her touch. I mean, really, he recoils as she uses him for support in climbing down from the jury bench, then crawls into Terry’s lap to get out of her way when she climbs back up. What a putz. Terry is shown voting for (DUH) his Homo Love God Aras, making yet another variation on the writing someone’s name down joke, and Shane finishes the voting.

Jiffy goes off to get the bucket, and tells the assemblage that they’ll have to wait until we’re back in the States. The piped-in cheering from the live studio show starts immediately.

Burnett has dispensed entirely with the long Jiffyvoyage footage. I think he’s run out of cliches to exploit, which is really a shame for me. Some of my best writing has been about Probst getting sodomized as a cabin boy, torpedoed by Matt von Unterseebootkapitan, falling out of helicopters, and stopping off for a quick standup from a Manhattan transvestite hooker on his way into the New York studios. Unfortunately, the editing of this finale has been a bit more lax than usual, and it’s a few minutes past the hour when Jiffy goosesteps into the studio, maintaining the solemn disposition that suggests that he’s transporting a Diebold machine to the West Palm Beach courthouse, rather than a wooden bucket of scraps of paper that will decide the fate of a game show.

Jiffy reads the votes; Aras, Danielle, Danielle (Shane’s vote, which appears to list the number he was thinking of, which may or may not be 999,499), Aras, Aras, Aras.

Wow. The betting spoiler was wrong. That may be the most freakishly weird thing in the history of reality TV, right there.

The rest of the cast is brought in, and Jiffy blathers us into:

Commercials:

people with their eyes closed, for the Republican National Committee…nah, just kidding, it’s for some LC television; Danica Patrick at a racing game, mocking all of her opponents, for deodorant; the same images of precision and agility, again, for GMC, which is really pushing this notion of their engineering superiority; another cartoon person, for Chuck Schwab; and CBS, for the damn CSI: Crockett and Tubbs finale, again.

And we’re back, with footage of Aras and Terry ragging on each other after a challenge, and of them beating the crap out of each other in challenges, and tweaking each others’ sensitivities.

Jiffy returns, having changed into a little white sweater that looks effing ridiculous.

Actually, I should say that he’s been changed into a little white sweater, because as usual, he’s on all fours at the end of a leash, being dragged by your hero and mine, everyone’s favorite metaphor for Landru’s id, the incomparable Andrew Savage:

Savage: All right, all right, pipe down. I’m back, and you’re gonna listen to me for the next 48 minutes. Any problems?

(Savage glares around the room, staring down the hushed audience.)

Savage: Good. Real good. So, Aras, you’re a lying punkass bitch. You think you could’ve beaten a real man like me, instead of that delusional, incompetent fighter jock and yet another incomprehensible yet-another-sales-rep tart?

Aras: No Sir, Mister Savage, Sir.

Savage: Good. Real good. Yo, Probst, any advice for this bitch?

Probst: Uhm…pay your taxes?

(There is general tittering.)

Savage: Christ, you’re pathetic. You call that a joke? Never mind. So, Punkass Bitch, you sure had a bitter homoerotic rivalry with that asshole ringknocker, dintcha?

Aras: Terry is an awesome dood, and I’m fortunate to have someone so cool to compete against…

Savage: Oh, shut the fuck up. I mean, just stop simpering, you fucking New-Age chunk of Californian primordial slime. You were lucky he kept kicking your ass.

Aras: Yes, Sir, Mister Savage, Sir. If he hadn’t won immunity and had used the idol, I’d have been the first to go because he kept voting for me.

Savage: So, Terry, you completely fucked this up, dintcha?

(General laughter at Terry’s expense.)

Savage: So, did you actually respect this punk?

Terry: Oh, sure. Two mature guys getting it on, strapping it on, making it happen…

Savage: Oh, fuck me, did anybody ask you to come out of the fucking closet on the Reunion Show? Jesus H. Tittyfucking Christ, you’re a sick fucking fuck! Get the fuck out of here!

(Terry slinks off, making jet noises.)

Savage: Asshole. Danielle, you played pretty quietly and sorta snuck in, except when you were lying through your tight little ass. So why’d you pick Aras?

Danielle: People liked Terry. These two were da smahtest. They were da best.

Savage: Gods, you’re fucking incomprehensible. While I hate to have to listen to another word coming out of your fucking Backbay mouth, I gotta know…do you think you could’ve beaten Terry?

Danielle: I dunno…

Savage: Indecisive fucking twit. Get out of here, before I decide we’re gonna play a little hide the…uhm, y’know what? Never mind. I wouldn’t fuck you with Probst’s dick. Just go away. Now, who would’ve voted for this stupid bitch against Terry?

(Cirie and Bruce raise their hands.)
Savage: Wow. Terry really was a moron. So Aras, what the fuck was up with your hair?

Aras: Well, I…

Savage: Oh, fuck it, I don’t care. Shut up. Let’s do a whole crapload of commercials.

(We get footage of a seething rainstorm, and then another preview plug for the Webcast, then:

Commercials:

flapping pieces of paper representing scaly skin, for some Vaseline product; a woman with way too much makeup, for Max Factor; the chemical-huffing kids, again, for Febreze, again; a rocket blasting off, for GMC, which is really pumping the metaphors without mercy tonight; a kid riding his Big Wheel over hardwood floors, for Lowes, although it should be for lethal injection drugs, because that’s the best that should happen to children who ride Big Wheels indoors; cruelty and sadism, for CapitalOne; happy shining people and William Shatner dressed in an airline pilot’s uniform, for Priceline; and CBS, for Dave, and for the Tuesday crap, and for TAR.

Our commercials are briefly interrupted by a tease from Probst, but we’re back to the crap quickly, in the form of: My Local News, with teases about a subway accident, the beached whale, and a cross-burning—just another day here in Crackerville; some smug chick, for Mercury; a computer navigation spoof, for Nationwide; suggestive liquid images, for Coke; and the same smug chick, for Mercury.

And we’re back, with footage of Cirie.

Savage: Okay, let’s suck to Cirie for a bit, because for some reason you dipshits like her. So Cirie, you sure are fat and stupid, huh?

Cirie: I lived in fear for so long, I just decided to take a chance…

Savage: Oh, ferchrissake…this shit is turning into Oprah real fast…

Cirie: I’m off the couch and turning my husband into my dog now.

Savage: Oddly enough, we have your husband in the audience. Mister Cirie?

Cirie’s Husband: Arf!

Savage: Very good.

Cirie’s Husband: Arf! Arf arf!

Savage: Okay, shut up, it’s just a freakin’ cameo. Don’t overdo it, bitch. Okay, Shane, you’re bugfuck insane, but you all of a sudden like Cirie too…

(Reality check: Shane is wearing some garment that makes no sense whatsoever. It appears to be a sweater over a dress shirt, with a little green tie, but at the cuffs of the sweater are these giant loose floppy striped cuffs that don’t match the shirt. Shane? You’re a fucking nightmare.)

Shane: Oh, she’s awesome, she’s Superwoman, she grew so much, it was really beautiful to watch…

Savage: Oh fuck me, cut with the Oprah shit, people. So, Bruce, you were totally full of shit. Really.

Bruce: Yeah.

Savage: High-fiber diet now, then?

Bruce: Oh, you bet. All Colon Blow, all the time.

Savage: And to top it all off, you got freakin’ fired for molesting your art students?

Bruce: Well, I was threatened, but I just got suspended.

Savage: Molested ‘em like a big ol’ prison dog. Gotcha. Next up: we explore the depths of Shane’s complete batshit insanity.

(And we’re off to:

Commercials:

a trailer, for the dumbass Adam Sandler thing, and actually, it’s an incredibly long trailer; and CBS, for The Early Show, and for the dumbass Monday shit, and for CSI: Gary Sinise Once Played George Wallace, You Know.

And we’re back, with footage of Shane’s insanity.

Savage: So, Shane, you’re a complete fucking nutbar.

Shane: I snorted a dime bag of coke every freakin’ day before we went on the island, dood. I was seriously jonesing out there.

Savage: No, seriously, no one can really be that fucking nuts. You were putting everyone on.

Shane: Look, it’s not like you people let us have Ritalin out there.

Savage: So you were working the I-want-to-be-hated strategy?

Shane: I’m an addict, dood. And besides, I loved Johnny Fairplay. Leave me the fuck alone, everybody loves me.

Savage: Christ, you’re a fruitcake. Shut up.

Shane: Moonfish greenspace synthesis with grape jelly overlord! Barking syphilis! Cogitate grasslands duskily on toast points! Pinochle submission! Overzealous leprachaun lampshade! Meathook Rowan Atkinson!

Savage: All righty then. Time to get all mawkish, because Burnett thinks it’ll make money. Tina? Weep.

Tina: (Inconsolable weeping)

Savage: Yeah, it’s Mother’s Day, how ya feeling?

(Note: For the love of God, Probst actually asked the poor woman this.)

Tina: (More inconsolable weeping, maudlin story)

Savage: Okay. Let’s get the fuck outta this Oprahfication of a perfectly good show and make some more money.

(Off to:

Commercials:

retro hair, for Head and Shoulders, which has been reinvented and is now also a dessert topping/floor polish; smug chick voiceover, for some Olay product; Ath-uh-letes, for AOL; guys in a cranberry bog, for some Ocean Spray product; M. Night Shamalamadingdong, for American Express; robot voiceover, again, for AT&T, again; and CBS, for CSI: Crockett and Tubbs, again, and for some game show amalgamation starring the still-fat Ricki Lake.

After another brief interruption in our commercials for a Probst-tease, we’re back to commercialism, with:

an idiot too timid to grab a fucking donut, for Verizon DSL; the same idiot in the same driveway, still for My Local Cabal of Honda Dealers; and My Local News, with the same damn teases plus a special bonus shot at Marion Barry, who has, apparently, once again been set up by a bitch.

And we’re back.

Savage: Time to play lip service to some people who don’t matter. Austin? Try not to rave about your faith.

Austin: I love Jesus so very, very much…

Savage: Right. Good job, moe-ron. Astroboy?

Dan: Mystic, beautiful, joyous, California, cute little iguanas, spiritual awakening…

Savage: Y’know, Burnett, you’ve really got to let me start packing for this shit. Courtney, are you capable of making any sense whatsoever?

Courtney: Beautiful, man. Journey. Reflection. Growthfulness. Dreams. Spiritual…

Savage: I’m coming for you, bitch, with a gun. I’m fucking serious, with a fucking gun, you goddam moonbat. Sally, you just got divorced. Wanna fuck?

Sally: Mean people suck.

Savage: Right. Shut up and swallow. Time for rapid-fire commentary from the completely useless.

Nick: I’m hungry.

Bobby: I’m cuddly.

Ruth Marie: Those editors suhhhhck, man.

Misty: My mouth is way too wide.

Melinda: Uhm…

Cindy: Ah wun uh car!!!! Ah wun uh carrrrrr!!!!!

(Brief nod to the reality of the Reunion Show: Probst suggests that Terry not winning after winning the car perpetuated the car jinx. One more time, people: there is no car jinx; Amber Brkch Mariano shattered said alleged jinx by winning the car, the game, and the sperm donor of her dreams. Shut the fuck up about the car jinx, Probst.

And to meet my obligation to do some tiny bit of serious reporting just in case anything actually happens during the Reunion Show, Cirie won the other fucking car, and we’re off to:

Commercials:

Boring imagery extolling GMC’s engineering superiority, again; old ladies voiced by rednecks, for that Citi identity theft thingie; shitting cartoon bears, for Charmin; the whackjob Andie MacDowell, for L’Oreal (Three! Three! Three!); depressing music, for some depression drug that apparently increases your suicide risk, along with destroying your liver and constipating you, which is really pretty depressing; and My Local News, again.

And we’re back.

Savage: Next season: Cook Islands, where we will mercilessly troll a Mutiny on the Bounty theme. Auction, benefitting that stupid Jessica Simpson charity to give plastic surgery to deformed kids, since we’re decided that children with AIDS are no longer worthy and Jessica Simpson is blowing Mark Burnett. Now get outta here, you all make me sick.

(End of transcript.)

Thanks to all of our readers and to those who make this site possible—all of our summary writers; technical advisor and technomonkey TechNoir; and Spirit Mother Wheezy. Special uberthanks to the one guy who actually does most of the heavy lifting on this site, just because we tell him we’re too fucking lazy to do it ourselves: the incomparable Dweezil, pinch-hitter nonpareil. Thanks, Dweeze.

We’ll be back next season with more. Don’t forget to hit the archives, to your left (or maybe it’s your right—I can never remember where the technomonkey puts this stuff). And don’t forget to visit the Sistahblog, where we give the same loving attention to TAR that we lavish on this crappy, moribund, deathwish of a reality show. See you next season.

Survivor Exile IslandEpisode Twelve: Another Dweeze Summary

2006-05-08T14:27:00.000-04:00

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

Hey! Remember when other people wrote summaries too, not just me? I remember it too. Good times. Good times.

Previously on Survivor:

I mean, it’s not like someone is putting a gun to my head forcing me to do this. People keep having stuff come up, and I keep saying I’ll fill in. But still. It has to be getting as old for you as it is for me.

Previously on Survivor:

I’m sure the kvetching is getting old. Still, it’s not like you are reading it. Three comments last week. Three. Do you have any idea what that can do to a man?

Previously on Survivor:

You can read about it here. I don’t feel like recapping. Besides, it’s a good summary – one of my better efforts, if I do say so myself.

Previously on Survivor:
Yep, one of my better efforts. And it got three comments.

Previously on Survivor:

Three.

Previously on Survivor:

It was probably the Gary Coleman-Mark Messier picture, wasn’t it?

Previously on Survivor:

Still, only three comments.

Previously on Survivor:

Three.

Previously on Survivor:

Cirie missed her chance to make a game-changing move. Danielle missed her chance to take control of the game. Courtney missed her chance to spend three more days on the island. Who will be voted out next?

We open immediately after tribal council. Shane, in one of his more lucid moments, is individually asking Aras and Cirie why they didn’t tell him about voting Courtney out. Aras points his finger at Cirie, saying she discovered a plot against Aras. Cirie says that Danielle told her and Aras ten minutes before they left for tribal that Terry was trying to get the women to join him in an alliance. She says they didn’t have time to tell him because he was up on the hill. Shane says he goes up on the hill because up on the hill, they think he’s okay.

Or so they say.

Shane buys it. He says they should have figured out a way to signal the change to him, but now they have the numbers and, if Terry wins the next immunity, Danielle is out. Shane asks Cirie if she is trying to dupe him. Cirie becomes somewhat offended that he asks. Shane is mollified to the point that he sits around the campfire speaking ill of Courtney.

Cut to the next morning. Everyone is happier with Courtney gone. Everyone but Terry, that is. In confessional he tells us that he is upset Danielle lied to him. He hopes she is out next.

But first? Reward challenge time! It’s a four stage challenge, and as with most of these staged challenges, someone falls out of the challenge at each stage. For the first stage, all five survivors have to dig in the sand and find a bag. The first four to do so go on. Next, they go through obstacles and untie a wooden snake, on the water. Very free. And easy. Last person to do so drops out. Next, the remaining three carry both the snake and the bag and climb on board a plane and attempt to kill a mobster in the witness protection program. Fortunately Sam Jackson is there to stop them and their mother-fucking snakes.

Sorry. My bad. They take the snake and the bag and the have to race over a sandhill into a waterhole and untie a large fish. Last one to do so drops out.

Yes, they have to untie a large fish. See last week’s graphics for some big fish pictures. Next, they carry all three items through a series of tunnels and towers. First one to do so wins. You want to know what we are playing for? Do you? Huh?

Damn, you ask so many questions.

So what do they win? Love. Winner gets a night in a spa with the prostitute of their choice. Or with a family member. It gets confusing. No, I’m sure it’s family visit time. Plus, the winner gets to decide who else gets a family visit and how long they get to take it.

I love it when the challenges are designed to fuck the winner over. There are only two ways to proceed here. Lose immediately or win and give yourself the shittiest reward. Everything else is a minefield. Even for Terry. Especially for Terry. Here is a guy who, if he can make it to the final two, is going to need every vote he can possibly get. There is no sense to piss anyone off.

Course, Terry, and all of us, know exactly what happens if he loses. He’s first choice for “no reward/Exile Island”. But still. Wouldn’t it be worth that to force some Casayan to choose?

The contest starts, and Shane has obviously chosen the “intentionally lose” option. He sets out in the opposite direction like Wrong Way Corrigan (how’s that for an obscure reference) when Jeff says go. Danielle, Terry, Aras, and Cirie move on to the next stage. Cirie is next out, and it’s time to untie the fish.

No, that’s not code.

They race off, and Terry drops his snake as they run over the sandhills. Danielle is unable to take advantage of this gaffe. Aras unties his fish first and races to the finish spot. Terry unties his fish, puts it in his mouth, grabs his snake and his bag, and

Yeah, I had a Beavis-Butthead moment when I typed “grabs his snake and his bag”. Want to make something of it?

Anyway, Terry puts it in his mouth, grabs his snake and his bag, and heads to the finish. Danielle puts the snake in her mouth, but it is too late. Terry and Aras are moving on.

As one would expect, the rivalry between these two boils over a little as they approach a crossroads in the tunnel at the same time. Terry squeaks through but Aras drops his bag, giving Terry an easy win.

That means it’s time to bring out family members. First out is Terry’s wife. Next is Aras’ mom, then Danielle’s mom, then Cirie’s husband. Finally, Probst brings out Shane’s son Boston.

It just occurred to me that we have never heard mention of Boston’s mother. Why is that? I see two possible explanations. First, Shane and his ex had an ugly divorce and Shane never speaks of her. Second, Boston was cloned. Personally, I think either theory is equally valid.

Anyway, it’s choosing time. Two survivors will go back with their loved ones to a resort for an overnight stay complete with food, beverages, and private rooms.

Bom-chicka-bom bom.

One other loved one will accompany their survivor back to camp to stay there overnight. A fourth survivor will get a hug from their loved one, and a fifth survivor will GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT!

Now, here is what I would do if I were Terry. First, Danielle and Cirie would get the resort with their loved ones. Second, Boston would accompany Shane back to camp. I mean, really. Wouldn’t going back to camp for an overnight be better for a teenage boy than a luxury resort. Finally, Aras would get the hug and I would go back to Exile Island. The downside of course is that he has to go to Exile Island. and he doesn’t even get a hug. The upside is that he doesn’t piss anyone off and instead creates some goodwill.

So what does Terry do? Takes one resort stay for himself and gives the other to Shane, awards the camp visit to Cirie, lets Aras get the hug, and sends Danielle to Exile Island. Bad choices. Bad choices all. And with that, everyone marches into the commercial break.

Back from break, Danielle is chopping coconuts on Exile Island. She says she realizes Terry picked her because she backstabbed him at the previous tribal council, but she adds that she doesn’t care.

Back at camp, Cirie is showing her husband around.

Cirie: There’s the fire, there’s the water, and that’s where Shane showed me his cock.

Cirie’s Husband: WHAT?

Cirie: Oh, there was nothing to it.

Cirie shows him the snails they eat, the crappy water they drink, and their living quarters. She is very proud of all she had done.

Meanwhile, at the resort, Terry and Trish (his wife) and Shane and Boston are helping themselves to food. Trish says she is surprised at how thin Terry is but adds that she wants him to go back to being his hot-looking studly self.

Pardon me while I brush my mind.

In the resort yard, Shane is telling Boston a relatively accurate and unvarnished version of what he has gone through. He adds that while he wanted to quit early on, he didn’t because he knew how much it would disappoint Boston.

Back inside, Terry whips it out for Trish. He then shows her the baby immunity idol. Trish gives some pointers about how Terry should strategize. Say, Trish? Maybe suggest that he not act so damn cocky and arrogant. That might help.

Finally it’s dinner time, and all four gather for food and conversation. Trish mentions that she thinks it will be an all-male final three. Terry adds that Danielle should be trying to find the immunity idol. Shane calls Terry on that lie, but Terry doesn’t confess.

After dinner is over, Shane tells Boston how hard it’s been. He adds that being without Boston has been difficult. Boston tells his dad that he only has seven days left to go, that he is strong enough to do it, and that he needs to keep trying.

In other words, Boston is well-accustomed to his role as the mature person in his relationship with his dad.

Back inside, Terry tells Trish to be gentle with him. Trish tells him in reply that she will be good to him.

Pardon me while I shower my mind.

Back in camp, Cirie has put her husband to work. He has become really impressed with her, to the point that when it is finally time for him to go, he tells her that she is his hero.

Cut to Terry and Shane coming back to camp. Aras asks Terry is he got a good night’s sleep. Terry says he didn’t do any sleeping.

Pardon me while I use hydrochloric acid on my mind.

Terry decides to continue to put his foot in it, and he tells the camp why he chose who he chose. He says that he felt it was more important for people with spouses to get to spend time with their spouse than it was for a child to see his or her parent. (Apparently, having a parent get to see his child was acceptable too.)

Now here’s the thing. No one asked him, or at least the question wasn’t edited in if he was asked. Offering the why is insane. It gains Terry nothing. Not for the first time it strikes me that while Terry has the physical skills to make it all the way, he doesn’t have the gameplay to do so.

Aras doesn’t take kindly to Terry dissing a child missing a parent. What is it with this show and young males with unhealthy attachments to their mothers? Anyway, Aras tells Terry that the child-parent bond can be as strong as a husband-wife bond. Terry openly expresses his lack of sympathy for this argument. In confessional, Terry tells us he was glad Aras came a little unglued. In his confessional, Aras tells us that he has been given even more incentive to beat Terry at challenge.

What a coincidence! It is challenge time!

It’s a balance, endurance, filling water challenge. Each survivor stands on a small perch on top of a 20-foot pole. Each of them has a bucket. In front of them is a bamboo pole that a flag is sitting in. The goal is to drop the bucket into the water, pull it up, and then dump it down the bamboo pole. When enough water is placed in the pole, the flag will float to where the survivor can reach it.

The challenge starts, and Terry takes an early lead. Danielle is making a bit of a run, asis Aras, and Cirie is trying as hard as she can. Shane? Shane might as well have sat the challenge out. He obviously has no concern about trying to win the challenge. It finally comes down to Aras and Terry, but once again Terry has the ability to pull away and win. As he is declared the winner, Terry yells and does a backflip into the water. Shane doesn’t appreciate Terry celebrating, though he does have enough in him to mock Probst’s standard “one of you will be going home tonight” speech.

Terry in confessional tells us that this challenge didn’t just get him to four, it got him to three due to the hidden idol. He says the pressure is gone and he doesn’t even have to show up for the next immunity challenge.

Uh, Terry? Can we talk?

The next immunity challenge is the most important immunity challenge you’ve faced. If you win that one, not only do you have protection for yourself, but you can decide who goes to the final three with you! Look at how Cirie has been betraying people – wouldn’t it be nice to get her to final two? If you win the next immunity, you can take her to final three with you.

Back at camp, Danielle is walking along the beach. Shane says she knows she is next off. He adds that he is safe, and then we see him and Terry talking about how they will probably be the final two. Back at confessional, Terry tells us he thinks he could beat Shane even with a heavily-loyal Casaya jury.

Now here’s the thing. Terry probably has three votes right now – Austin, Sally, and Courtney. He only needs one more vote, and depending on who goes with him he could pick up a couple more. But he clearly doesn’t know that you don’t count your votes when you’re sitting in confessional. There’ll be time enough for counting, when the vote is done.

Meanwhile, Aras and Danielle are talking. Aras is still feeling betrayed that Shane wanted to take Courtney to the final two, and he tells Danielle that he and Cirie will vote with her to toss Shane. Danielle says that Shane thinks he is in control and adds that he knows nothing.

We then cut to Shane talking to Cirie, and Cirie reaffirming that she is with him on the vote for Danielle. In confessional, Cirie tells us that Danielle is a threat to her if they make it to final two. Not that there is a chance of Cirie making it to final two on her own.

Shane talks to Cirie, saying it’s Danielle now and Aras next – but they can’t look like they’re betraying Aras because he’ll remember that in the jury. Is Cirie 100% with him? Yes. She isn’t in something with Aras and Danielle? No, of course not. Shane feels good!

In his confessional, Shane tells us he can beat any of the other survivors at final two. He then adds that he can flap his wings and fly. Neither scenario is particularly likely.

So we’re off to tribal council.

Probst: Terry, how tough was it to have to decide who got a family visit.

Terry: Well, the God Position is tough, Jeff, which is why I usually choose other positions.

Probst: I know. I’ve seen the video. Cirie, how did your husband like camp?

Cirie: He’s a city guy, unlike me. He couldn’t take it like I can.

Probst: Riiiiiiight. Shane? How was it seeing Boston?

Shane: We grew up together. He’s my other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend. He’s my life.

Probst: Wow. Never heard that speech before. Aras. Terry’s kicking your ass at challenges. How much does it suck getting beat by an old man?

Aras: Hey. Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. It’s cool to have a rivalry like we have.

Probst: Terry, they can hear you rolling your eyes back in the States.

Terry: Look at the scoreboard Jeff. Look at the scoreboard.

Probst: Shane, can you be trusted?

Shane: I am the most reliable person out here.

Probst: I have no response to that. Danielle? Thoughts?

Danielle: What’s a thought?

Probst: Never mind. Shane, everyone worked hard for immunity. Everyone but you. What up?

Shane: Why should I work? With Courtney gone, I am the perfect final two candidate. They others are going to be stumbling over each other to carry my ass the rest of the way.

Now is the time on Survivor when we vote. Aras votes Shane, saying sorry brother. Shane votes Danielle. The other votes aren’t seen.

The tallyman then comes to tally the votes. Probst reads one Danielle, then a Shane. Then a second Shane. Then the dreaded “And the x person voted out of Survivor is” before reading Shane’s name. Shane gets his torch snuffed, then tells the others “I’m going to have a chocolate ice cream bar in about one minute”. We see an upset Cirie, though if it is because she voted Shane off or because she wants a chocolate ice cream bar we will never know. As Shane leaves, Probst tells the survivors that from here on out trust will be an issue.

Yeah, cause trust has never has been an issue before in Survivor.

As we fade into the Vegas night, Shane tells us he was duped. He was blindsided. He seems to be taking the boot in stride, and adds that he is proud of himself, if disappointed.

Next time on Survivor: Cirie tells Terry to talk to the hand. Terry and Aras butt horns at a challenge like the natural rivals they are. And Danielle tells Terry she wants to align with him.

Survivor Exile IslandEpisode Eleven: Terry and the Casayans

2006-04-28T16:58:00.000-04:00

by Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

You know, I thought this bit with the previous, where I opened the summary with a previously on a TV show other than Survivor (or whatever show I was writing about), was cool. But it’s gotten old. I’ve pushed the bit well beyond the humor limit, and I struggle now to think of a previously on that is cool and funny and, more importantly, appeals to…

Wait.

I may have another.

Previously on Survivor:

Plankton stole King Neptune’s crown and framed Mr. Krabs for the crime. Spongebob and Patrick decide to go on a quest to retrieve the crown from Shell City, the place no one comes from. They find the crown and ride the Hasselhoff back to Bikini Bottom.

Sorry. That was previously on the Spongebob Squarepants Movie.

Previously on Survivor.

Courtney was forced to eat a lot of shit, Shane yelled a lot of shit, and Bruce was unable to shit. It was the latter problem that forced him to leave the show prematurely, which probably wasn’t the first time Bruce has done something prematurely.

Bad-a-bing! Thanks folks. I’ll be here all week.

Or at least it seems like it.

Anyway, Gitmo. Day 28. Shane drops a Koran into the outhouse, while Danielle rubs her breasts against Terry’s back in an effort to break him and tell her the whereabouts of the private immunity idol.

Sorry. That was offensive. And unfunny as well, which is far worse.

Gitmo. Day 28. We open with Terry in the water, fishing. Aras is also preparing to fish. Later, they will take their cocks out to measure whose is larger, then collapse into each other’s arms.

Sorry. I did a similar joke last week. I’d start again, but I’m not sure it would get any better.

Anyway, Terry, in confessional, tells us he needs to make some allies. Ya think? On the other hand, things are going pretty well for him so far being the only one left. He adds that Bruce leaving the game for medical reasons has helped him because he got to skip an immunity challenge. Perhaps, but you could also look a Bruce leaving as hurting him. Bruce was the next out at the challenge, Shane got neglected by Cirie for reward, and Courtney was the target of all the negative comments. It was the perfect situation to try to get those three together to shift gears and vote out one of Cirie, Aras, and Danielle.

Back at camp, Shane decides to go to his thinking rock. The thinking rock thing is bad enough. But Shane has found a piece of wood the approximate shape of a PDA, and he is now referring to it as his Blackberry. He goes through a list of features, including texting, e-mail, phone, and web access. He is sending messages to his business partner and receiving messages from his son.

Now, with most people, you would think it was just a playful bit to lighten things up. But Shane normally acts nuts enough to make you wonder if he really doesn’t believe he is communicating with people not on the island, or, for that matter, in this dimension.

I remember the great debate during Amazon – was Unterboat Capitan (® Landru) Matt really crazy or putting on an act? I was firmly in the putting on an act camp (not to mention firmly in the Putting On The Ritz camp)

The Co-Leaders of the Putting On The Ritz camp

But Shane? Dood’s nuts. Absolute crackers.

In confessional, Shane also tells us that his Blackberry is “My other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend...he’s my life.”

And don’t think the rest of the camp hasn’t noticed it. Everyone walks around Shane a little slowly, treating him like the crazy relative at Thanksgiving.

Cut to the reward challenge. It’s water-rope-obstacle course time. The survivors will be divided into two teams of three. Each will be attached to a rope that runs through the obstacle course. The rope twists over and over itself, goes into the water, then out of the water onto a platform, goes around posts, up and over and back again over boards in the water. You get the idea. The teams have to follow the rope until they get to a floating platform. There they detach from the rope and, one at a time, cross a series of smaller floating platforms until they reach another platform. From here they dive into the water to retrieve a bag in a box in the water. Once all three bags are retrieved, they attach back to the rope, then follow it back over the course and dropping their bags on shore.

You know, you think Burnett would find easier ways to smuggle drugs. But whatever.

Do you want to know what we’re playing for? Sure you do. It’s the obligatory plane ride-barbecue. You know the drill by now.

Anyway, since the challenge has been explained, it’s time for the random drawing of teams. On one side, we have Terry, Danielle, and Courtney. On the other we have Aras, Shane, and Cirie.

Did anyone on the show staff really think these teams are fair? On the other hand, is there any combination of three survivors that you could place Cirie on and not have that team have an incredible disadvantage? I think not. I mean, who could you place her with and still have a fighting chance on this challenge? No offense meant, but the woman has lost less weight than Hurley.

=

?

As expected, the only suspense to the challenge is whether or not Shane and Aras are going to be able to get Cirie out of the water and onto the first platform. Terry, Danielle, and Courtney get so far ahead of Shane, Aras, and Cirie that the latter group barely reaches the second floating platform before the first team completes the course.

Probst proclaims them the winners, then offers them the obligatory choice of who to send to Exile Island.

Now, as entertaining as it would have been to see Cirie or Shane on Exile Island, Terry does the smart thing and convinces Danielle and Courtney that they should send Aras to try to drain his energy. Aras is taken off, and Cirie and Shane are sent back to camp. So time for reward, right?

WRONG!!!!!

It’s time for another challenge. Probst fishes in his pocket, then pulls out the keys to his hotel room. The winner of this challenge gets to spend the night with Julie! Please let it be Danielle. Please!

Sorry. My bad. The winner gets a GMC Yukon. That’s probably more appropriate, but it’s certainly more dull.

The challenge is to use a slingshot to break your tiles. Each of the three has three tiles. The first person to break all three tiles gets the Yukon.

Terry has to be the favorite here, but if I’m Terry, no way am I winning this challenge. I’m shooting into the woods, into the ground, into the air, into other people’s targets. There is nothing to gain for Terry by winning the challenge and everything to gain by letting someone else win. Particularly someone like Danielle. No way Danielle doesn’t follow Terry’s orders for life if he lets her win the Yukon.

But no, though it doesn’t go as quickly as I thought it would, Terry does eventually win.

Now it’s off to their own private island, where Terry’s Yukon, and a feast of steak, sausages, soft drinks, and chocolate cake await them.

Mmmm. Steak. I think I need to eat lunch.

Meanwhile, Aras has arrived at Exile Island. He knows there is no Idol there, so he doesn’t even have that to look for. Just him and his arrow.

So, how boring has the Exile Island thing become? This is the only bit of Aras at Exile Island. The only one. It’s like he had a blockage and was just removed from the game for a few days. Further, I’m betting that if it weren’t for Burnett screaming at them to include an Exile Island shot or else, the editors would have left it out. It’s filler, it’s overdone. Dood is on the island. Nothing to search for, just Aras being alone. The end.

And considering this group, he probably really didn’t mind the being alone part. The part that completely drains your energy? Sucks. But the part about being separated from the other Casayans (and Terry)? Rocks.

Jump back to the reward. The plane touches down and Terry finds his Yukon. He proclaims it “righteous,” and back home his son throws up a little in his mouth. Terry adds that his wife told him to come back with at least a car. And some milk. And garbage can liners. She gave him a whole list, actually.

Anyway, they pile in and drive to the beach. Terry lights the grill, starts the meat cooking, then sits down to talk with Courtney. As they talk, Danielle stands by the Yukon and plays with a soccer ball by herself. She looks for all the world like a little kid playing while the grown-ups talk.

And do they talk. Courtney opens by saying how nice it is to be on the winning side of the challenge, and she refers to the three of them as the Dream Team. Terry immediately picks up on this, saying that they should be the final three. Courtney agrees, and mentions that if Terry does all the work, the three of them will be able to take out Aras first, then Shane, then Cirie.

In confessional, Courtney says that she’s been trying to figure out a way to get Terry to the final two because she would have a good shot of winning against him. Courtney hon, let’s talk. Everyone wants to take you to the final two because they know you would get fewer votes than the aforementioned U-Boat Captain. Hell, Court, if there was a way that you could be both in the final two and on the jury, you wouldn’t vote for yourself.

The meal is cooked, and the grown-ups tell Danielle to come inside, wash her hands, and sit at the table. After she does, they fill her in on the plan. She agrees with it, then in confessional say that she has to change up Terry’s strategy.

Back at Gitmo, Shane tells Cirie that they can talk openly about strategy since everyone else is gone. Then he offers to show her his cock. She demurs politely, and he drops the subject.

But not his cock.

He mentions that if Terry wins immunity, they need to get Aras to vote Danielle off. Cirie mentions voting Courtney off, and Shane says that either of them could beat Court at final two, proving that Shane isn’t completely deranged.

Yet.

In confessional, Cirie says that Courtney may be more dangerous than Terry because everyone will want to take her to the final two. Uhm, Cirie? That should include you, hon, cause Courtney and Shane are the only two people you can beat. But she doesn’t look at it that way, and decides Courtney must go next.

Something about standing there as Shane stands with his cock in her hand reminds her of worms, tiny, tiny worms, and Cirie decides to go fishing. She takes the small pole, the line, and a snail, and heads off to the water. She says she used to go fishing with her dad. She adds that everyone else has tried, and now she wants to as well.

Cirie gets to the beach, and proceeds to kill the snail for bait. Well, proceeds implies a speed to it that is belied by reality. Let’s say she eventually kills the snail for bait. She hooks it on the line, then tosses the bait and line into the water. With a speed rivaling the speed with which ovens bake on Emeril, Cirie has caught a fish. It’s a big fish, as opposed to Big Fish.

Cirie did not catch this Big Fish

She also did not catch these big fish

Cirie drags the fish back to camp, giving it a nice sand breading. She tells Shane she has a birthday present for him, then shows him her fish.

No, that’s not code.

He is surprised, then hugs her and tells her how proud he is. Shane says that Captain America has been trying for three weeks to get a fish but Cirie gets one on her first try. He then adds that Iron Man will be proud when he gets back from Exile Island, but predicts that Sue Storm and Ms. Marvel will not be as excited.

The reward winners show up, and Cirie wants them to see her fish.

No, that’s not code.

Cut to the next day. Danielle wants to talk to Terry. She says she realizes Courtney is the best final two opponent, and wants assurances that Terry isn’t committed to taking Courtney over her. She says over and over that she doesn’t want to be third.

See, Courtney is such an obvious choice even Danielle can figure it out.

Terry doesn’t want to make a promise that he might break later, so he tells Danielle that the three of them should make a pact – the final two will be the people who come in first and second in the final challenge. Danielle agrees that this is a fair approach, and I think Terry is actually sincere about it. I think he realizes that he can’t alienate any possible votes by making promises he needs to break.

Danielle tells Courtney, and she’s immediately hesitant. Danielle doesn’t help her cause by saying that the plan means no one gets a free ride to the final two. Courtney takes offense, saying that anyone who gets to the final two has earned it.

Right. Tell that to Vee.

Anyway, Courtney goes on and on about this, telling Danielle she was being insulting.

Now, I’m no Danielle fan. And she doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb in the fridge. But I don’t think she meant anything by the comment, at least not anything to merit getting an earful from Courtney.

Courtney is so loud, Cirie can hear her. She immediately corners Danielle and gets her to confess. Danielle tells her of the plan, and Cirie responds by convincing her (not that it takes a gargantuan effort to sway Danielle’s mind) that Terry is never going to honor the pledge and that, no matter how the final immunity challenge ends up, Terry is taking Courtney with him.

Okay, on to the immunity challenge. It’s Rube Goldberg contraption time again. That or Eros Boutique contraption time. Each survivor kneels on a plank. They are grabbing onto two ropes, one in each hand, that, through a complex system of pulleys, are holding 20% of their body weight. The weights are just above a lever connected to their plank. If the ropes slip out of there hands, the weights hit the lever, and their plank collapses, dumping them into the water and ontop of the mouse. Every fifteen minutes, 10% more of their body weight will be added to the ropes.

The Eros Boutique Immunity Challenge

The survivors are weighed in and take their places. Shane, Cirie, Aras, and Terry all have 34 pounds on their lines, meaning they each weigh approximately 170 pounds. Right. Sure. Courtney and Danielle have 24 pounds, meaning they each weigh approximately 120 pounds.

I can do math!

Shane struggles immediately, dropping into the water before the first fifteen minutes are up. He doesn’t even outlast Cirie, though, to be fair, there is no chance that she weighs the same amount as he does. Cirie is the next out, then Danielle. Aras tries to stay in, but being exiled takes his toll. All that masturbating really wears a fellow out. Trust me on this one. So it’s down to just Courtney and Terry.

I don’t think Courtney has any idea how much more than Terry she needs this immunity. She stays with it a long time, but despite Shane’s constant yells that Terry is almost done, Terry shows no sign of fatigue and Courtney finally gives up.

I just want to take a minute to say good on Terry. Dood is 39 days younger than me, and yet he is kicking the ass of all the younger survivors.

Back at camp, Terry tells us in confessional that it’s great to have immunity again. No shit, Sherlock? I mean, isn’t your only hope winning immunity every time so you don’t have to use the “get out of snuffing card free” idol? Terry further offers that Aras has to know he is the target.

We see Cirie and Courtney talking, and Cirie convinces Courtney that she is down with the plan. She tells her not to say anything to Shane because she is sure he wouldn’t agree and that there would be too much fallout.

The two proceed to talk to Shane and Aras, and the four agree they will all vote for Danielle. Cirie then gets Aras and Danielle alone, fills them in on all that has happened, and say that they need to vote out Courtney because of the danger she poses. Aras appreciates the fact that Cirie has his back, neglecting to mention that he also appreciates her removing the one person Cirie could beat in the final two. Danielle, of course, will do whatever the last person talking to her before tribal council tells her to do.

Off to tribal council! The survivors arrive, and Jeff brings in the jurors. There’s Austin, and Sally, and a visibly lighter Bruce. Apparently he’s been rotor-rooted since he left the tribe. Jeff wastes no time getting into it.

Jeff: Terry. You’re making me forget Andrew Savage.

Savage: Thank fucking God!

Terry: Thanks Jeff, and thanks for not mentioning the Yukon thing.

Shane, Cirie, Aras: The Hell?

Danielle: Oops. Forgot to tell you that Daddy, I mean Terry, won a car after winning the reward.

Terry: (Patting her head.) Good girl.

Jeff: So was it nice to go off with two hot, at least by the tribe’s standards, girls?

Terry: It was great to have a chance to put the game aside for a while.

Cirie: (Standing.) Oh no you deedn’t. This boy never puts the game aside. He’s been playing harder than Kobe in Colorado this whole time. Can I get a whoop whoop jurors?

Jurors: (Crickets chirp. Bruce snores. Austin is tickling Sally’s feet.)

Jeff: Okay, Terry, you’re the only person to wear the individual immunity this time around. Anyone trying to get close?

Terry: No Jeff, everyone here is really tight.

Jeff, Terry, Aras, and Shane: (All turn to look at Cirie, Courtney, and Danielle, then) Bwahahahahahahahah!

Aras: Good one. Yeah, we’re close, but it’s time for one of us to go and there’s a big target on my back.

(Insert last week’s big target joke here.)

Jeff: It’s interesting, Aras. You’re a threat to everyone, but you’re the only person on this island, including all the crew, who has a chance to bet Terry in an individual immunity. If you get voted off, the rest of them should just let Terry pick his final two partner now.

Aras: From your mouth to God’s ears, Jeff. From your mouth to God’s ears.

Jeff: Shane, are you basing your vote on who you want to face in the final two?

Shane: Well, it’s time to eat one of our own, but it’s early to be thinking about endgame.

Jeff: Right. I’m sure you haven’t considered that yet at all. Danielle, how does all this talk of strategy and voting make you feel?

Danielle: My brain feels like it is about to explode.

Jeff: (Pats her head.) Of course it does. Fortunately, that won’t cause much more damage than the average sparkler. Courtney, how did it feel last week to find out everyone hates you?

Courtney: Well Jeff, it really made me

Jeff: Shut up. I hate you too. Let’s vote!

Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

We see a remarkable number of votes – everyone but Aras and Danielle. Cirie cites her unwillingness to settle for fourth or third as a reason to vote for Courtney. Terry cites Aras’ strength and ability, plus their unrequited love, as the reason for his vote. Shane writes down Danielle’s name and says now she won’t ever have to hear him yell at her again. I didn’t realize he was such a thoughtful guy. Finally, Courtney votes Aras for strategic reasons but adds that he is so beautiful.

So that’s two Aras, one Courtney, and one Danielle. After the tallyman tally the banavotes, the final score us Aras, Aras, Danielle, Courtney, Courtney, Courtney. Courtney looks shocked. Shane looks shocked. Terry looks a touch surprised, though not incredibly so. Jeff tells the remaining survivors that there is no doubt that this is now an individual game. We go to commercial, and Courtney’s parents, Muffy and August, say they miss her and can’t wait to go sailing with her at the beach.

As we fade into a Vegas wedding, Courtney says that she was completely surprised by the boot. She adds that her sisters got her. That’s right. Sisters are doing it for themselves.

Time to go. But not before I leave you with this from Deadspin.

Survivor Boredom IslandEpisode Ten: The One With The Blockage

2006-04-21T15:32:00.000-04:00

By Dweeze

Previously on Survivor:

The teams headed off to O Man, to find a giant incense burner. MoJo lifted a camel. The hippies got forced to take a shuwa.

Sorry, that was previously on my TAR summary, which you can read here.

Dayum, I’m smooth.

Previously on Survivor. Shane showed his pee pee to Cirie, and she did her best not to visibly laugh at it. Despite mucho pleading, Sally was booted. Who will be booted off next?

Ha-ha! No one! Yes, thanks to the magic of commercials, we know that someone is taken out of camp due to a medical emergency. No boot for you!

We open. Morning becomes Survivor. Terry, in confessional, mentions that he has a big target on his back. There’s a big Target about two miles from where I sit writing this, but you don’t see me complaining about it. Terry adds that he needs to win the next three challenges to make the final four, then he can use the idol to get to final three. At three, he can win the challenge to get him to final two.

You know, if I’m Terry, I’m loving my odds of winning any physical challenge against this group and I’m also pretty fond of my odds of winning any mental challenge against them. Don’t put much effort into the reward challenge, save it all for the immunity.

Back at camp we see Danielle and Shane congratulating each other. On what, I don’t know. I mean, what were the odds one of them wasn’t coming back from tribal council? Shane once again breaks his own record for the highest number of stupid statements by one contestant in one season of Survivor when he says that they are on the verge of being the first tribe to ever stick together all the way til the end.

Finally, Bruce is complaining about nausea and constipation. He’s been watching the dailies! He says he hasn’t gone to the bathroom since the Panamanian village feast. Thanks for sharing, dood! Say, this doesn’t have something to do with the commercials they’ve been running all week, does it? Naw. Probably just a coincidence.

Meanwhile, treemail. Treemail! Actual treemail! And not just treemail, but gifts. Dolls, to be precise, one for each remaining Survivor, along with instructions to personalize the doll a little. Cirie gives her doll boobs. So does Danielle, but somehow Danielle’s look a lot less natural than Cirie’s. Shane gives himself a tattoo with the doll’s name, then tells us in confessional that “We grew up together. He’s my other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend...he’s my life.”

Okay, that didn’t really happen.

Okay, that probably did happen, but they didn’t show it to us.

Anyway, off to the challenge. The survivors tramp in, dolls in hand, kind of like a road show production of Annie. Our challenge is a combination of two favorites, the put the survivors on the spot by making them answer questions about their colleagues with the reveal your alliances / take out your hatred challenge. Hey! I did this episode last season, only the summary was much funnier.

Probst hands each survivor a survey for them to complete. The questions are all about each other. He then gets the results and tallies them.

That man. How he loves to tally.

Meanwhile, the dolls are taken and placed in a sordid death trap. There are spring loaded torches below each doll, held in place by three ropes. When all three ropes are cut, the torch hits the doll and sets it aflame.

Methinks Burnett is developing some aggressive feelings towards this show.

Okay, the results are tallied and it’s time to ask the group the questions. If you get one right, you can chop the rope of another contestant.

You know, Probst should just have Terry sit down right now. Hell, he should just send him to Exile Island right now. Not only does Terry have no chance of winning this challenge, he’s the automatic exile for whoever does win it. Why, the only way Terry could win is if he answered eighteen questions correctly before the other six combined answered three questions correctly.

On second thought, when you put it like that…

No. No. If it was island trivia, yes. But you just know that we’ll get questions like “Who is the most obnoxious?” and “Who is the craziest?” and, even if there is a four-four tie on the former between Courtney and Shane, there will be at least four correct answers. Terry is meat.

Almost forgot. Do you want to know what you’re playing for? The usual. Helicopter, spa, massage, tons of food, warm bed. Now on with the questions!

Question 1: Who does the least for the tribe? The correct answer, or at least the most common response from the surveys, is Danielle. Cirie, Aras, Terry, and Shane get it right. Terry chops Aras, the other three chop Terry.

Question 2: Who never shuts up? Cirie and Shane pick Courtney, the correct answer. Somehow, Courtney is shocked. She is also surprised when she is informed that she is on a reality TV show. Shane and Cirie both target Bruce, who seems a little taken aback.

Question 3: Who mistakenly believes they are running this game? Shane is the correct answer, picked by Aras and Courtney. Aras sends Bruce out of the game, Courtney takes out one of Shane’s ropes. Probst tosses a little crap Shane’s way, much to Cirie’s delight.

Question 4: Who would you trust with your life? Cirie is the right answer, and only Aras gets it right. Cirie thanks him as he chops Courtney’s first rope.

Question 5: Who would you not trust to watch your back? Aras and Courtney pick Terry, which makes sense given that he is the only member of the other tribe still left. Courtney chops Danielle and Aras chops Cirie. Aras has now answered four questions correctly and chopped the ropes of four different people. Dude ain’t falling for the tricks of the man!

Question 6: Who is the biggest poser? Courtney asks “What is a poser?” with the same sort of line delivery Kellie Pickler used to ask “What’s a mink?” Once again, only one person gets it right, Aras, and he chops Danielle. That makes five correct answers, five different ropes chopped.

Question 7: Who is the moodiest? Courtney and Aras correctly answer Shane. Courtney chops Shane, sending him off on one of his tirades until Probst basically tells him to shut up. Aras then chops Danielle, sending her to the sideline. It’s the first time Aras has given two chops to someone, and then only because he had to do so.

Question 8: Who most easily succumbs to intimidation? Shane correctly chooses Courtney. Courtney had originally chosen herself, but changed her mind when she got herself scowling at herself. Shane takes a hit at Courtney’s ropes.

Question 9: Who is the most annoying person out there? Everyone but Courtney picks Courtney. I would have bet a ton that there would be some Shane votes. Courtney is surprised that people feel that way about her. In fact, she gets downright angry about it. Aras takes Courtney out of the challenge, Shane takes a hit at Aras, and Cirie, after being begged by Shane to take Aras out, takes Shane out, causing him to go off on another tirade. Danielle tries to tell him it’s just a game, but that approach goes nowhere.

Question 10: Who would never survive on their own? Cirie picks herself, Aras picks Terry.

The hell? I mean, how…

Oh.

My.

God.

Aras has a brain. Aras has a damn brain. He has played this challenge perfectly, distributing his chops among everyone, and when the win is on the line, he chose the answer that could not possibly be the correct one, all so that Cirie would win instead of him. Perfect gamesmanship. The challenge is over, and Cirie has won.

And now a little dialogue.

Probst: Cirie, do I even need to bother asking or can I just send Terry to Exile Island now?

Cirie: You do what you have to, Jeff.

Probst: Great. See ya Terry.

Terry: Cool. Maybe *giggle* I’ll find *big laugh* the idol *huge guffaws*. Man, I kill myself sometimes. If you need me, I’ll be in the cabin I built there.

Probst: I’ll be by with Julie and some beers as soon as the poison takes Bruce down.

Bruce: What the?

Probst: I kid, I kid.

Bruce: Whew!

Probst: Okay Cirie, time to pick two people to join you on the reward.

Cirie: What? I have to alienate even more people now?

Probst: Dood, have you never seen the show before?

Cirie: Okay, Aras. Also, hmm

Shane: Pick me and I’ll show you my penis again!

Cirie: Danielle. Aras and Danielle.

Shane: How could you? Danielle? That lazy bitch? We had a thing Cirie! I showed you my wee wee!

Cirie: Uhm, Jeff, is that helicopter coming?

Shane: I stood there and showed you my John Thomas, and you pick her. Has she shown you a trouser snake? Has she flashed the hose at you? Has she?

Cirie: Jeff? The helicopter?

Shane: I know she hasn’t, cause she doesn’t even have one. She doesn’t even have a cock! But I do! I do, and I showed it to you!

Cirie: PROBST, WHERE IS THE DAMN HELICOPTER?!?!?!?!?

Fortunately for Cirie, the helicopter lands, picks up the winners, and starts to take off. Sure, Shane hung onto the door for awhile, but the crew was able to pry his fingers off and he only fell a dozen feet or so.

In confessional, Cirie tells us she chose Aras and Danielle because they were more fun to be around. I’ll grant her that, but it’s not like the competition was tough. I mean, who wouldn’t choose Aras and Danielle over Mr. Constipation, Mr. Psycho, and Miss Psycho? As the reward winners arrive, they begin talking about the challenge and how Courtney swept the bad categories.

For their part, Shane and Courtney are not laughing. (Neither is Bruce, but then, Bruce isn’t doing much of anything by this point.) Courtney says she was hurt by what people said and that she cares what other people think about her. This shocks Shane. His shock shocks her. He is shocked that she is shocked that he is shocked. They then shock the monkey. Shane says the questions were stupid, but Courtney says they were hurtful and she doesn’t want to be there anymore. In confessional Shane tells us Courtney takes stuff too personally.

Meanwhile, Bruce is feeling even worse than he had and decides to lie down. Shane begins to get concerned.

We quickly jump to the reward, where Aras, Danielle, and Cirie have stuffed themselves. They are busy discussing Shane and Courtney, and Danielle remarks that Courtney has a crush on Shane.

Why do I have no trouble envisioning Courtney moving from one psychotic boyfriend to the next in a never-ending quest for the perfect man to hit her and make it feel like love? Cirie offers that she is not going to be well-liked at camp, which prompts Aras to tell her he likes her and Danielle to tell her she loves her. They then strip and proceed with a sexfest that would rival the M-F-F scenes in “Crackers, Whores, and Sistahs Volume III”.

Man, will I feel stupid if that turns out to be an actual movie.

Anyway, the point is that love, or at least an alliance, is in the air.

Back at camp, Bruce’s condition is worsening. Courtney offers to sing to him to help ease his pain. Bruce, despite his pain, counters that he really doesn’t need Courtney to sing, thanks. That doesn’t stop her, and her mangled vocal stylings are enough to force Bruce to ask for the paramedics.

The not-quit boat soon arrives, and an episode of ER breaks out. They assess him, take his vitals, and start an IV. They also make the decision to pull him out of camp. They load him onto a stretcher, then ask Shane to help him carry the stretcher to the boat. Thank God for pixilation! Shane, as is his wont, is running around the camp naked. The magic of television saves us from having to laugh at him. As the boat takes off, Courtney and Shane snipe at each other a little longer, then fall on each other and fuck like rabbits.

Which Courtney will later boil in the camp pot.

So we break for commercial, only eight minutes past the half hour. Burnett is obviously playing with the timing to make this particular show seem more substantial than it is. We come back to a brief cutaway at Exile Island. Terry has finished his landscaping and is putting the finishing touches on the pool area. How he loves his home away from home!

Back at camp, Shane and Courtney start off wondering about Bruce but quickly turn to talking gameplay. Shane tells her he needs her vote, and asks her just to promise it to him instead of obsessing about everything. He adds that if she crosses him, he drive to her apartment in L.A. and kill her. He repeats it for emphasis, then says he was joking and that she shouldn’t take things so seriously.

Uh, Shane? When the guy with the Henry Lee Lucas look to him starts talking about killing you, it’s hard to take as a joke.

Courtney says Shane is obnoxious, he tells her not to be so sensitive, and then they fall on each other again like the Sam-Diane, David-Maddy, Ernie-Bert couple they are. Afterwards, in confessional, Shane says she is the perfect final two opponent.

Uh, Shane? See that guy in the mirror? The guy who looks like you? That’s the perfect final two opponent.

The reward winners return, but no one from camp comes to meet them. Cirie thinks it’s because they are mad, but we all know it’s because Shane and Courtney are fucking again. When they get to the camp area, they find out about Bruce. Courtney then flips some random shit their way about the reward trip.

Aras, in confessional, comments that Shane looks like some wild animal. We see Shane tell Aras that he (Shane) is now going to play the game and everyone else should watch out cause he is going to do what he has to do and he is the best there is and what he does. Sorry. That last part was from Wolverine.

Shane continues ranting to Aras while Danielle and Cirie watch. Danielle makes the most pertinent comment of all. She asks if Shane ever played sports, offering that if you do you realize you win some and you lose some and if you lose, you get over it. I’m sure Shane was too busy in high school writing manifestos and visiting gun shows to ever play sports.

Eventually Cirie talks with Shane in an attempt to heal the problems. She swears she is staying with him in the game and that he has nothing to worry about with her votes. This talk finally appears to appease him, though he tells us in confessional it was all a plan to take control of Aras and Cirie so he can win the game. Wait? Isn’t this the same Shane who was surprised when he was voted person most likely to incorrectly believe they had control of the game?

Another commercial break, the second of the half hour. The timing is definitely off. We come back and Courtney is again violating Bruce’s zen garden, this time in tribute to him. Not to be outdone, Danielle tells us that Bruce was her father figure and that she put her tiny hand in his. Oh yes. She will be the one who loves him until the end of time.

The not-quit boat comes back, this time with Terry and Probst. For some reason, the fact that Terry is riding with Probst seems to bother Cirie and several others. As they get off the boat, someone asks if Terry knows about Bruce. He says he hasn’t heard anything, and Probst says he will tell them all what is going on back at camp.

Everyone sits and Probst fills Terry in on what happened. He then gives the update, saying that Bruce’s whole digestive system was blocked. Bruce will be okay, but he will not return to the game.

He then tells them there will be no immunity challenge, no tribal council, and they have the afternoon off. He mentions he is going to use the time to “pork Julie.” In confessional, Terry offers that Bruce was a warrior, bang bang he was a warrior. Terry says no one else could have stayed as long as Bruce did with the pain he had, though if you think about it, if Bruce hadn’t waited so long to ask for medical attention, maybe he could have been treated and returned to the game. Points to ponder. We fade out on a shot of the rock garden.

While we get a family shot, we don’t get any parting comments. Rather, we get a film clip of Bruce highlights to that “Had a bad day” song from Idol. And with that, we fade into the lights of Vegas.

On the next Survivor, Shane takes a trip to Cloud Cuckoo Land, complete with funny music from the editors. Jeff reaches into his pocket at the challenge, perhaps to compare dick sizes with Shane. And Cirie faces a monster, which appears to be a fish about the size of a envelope.

Oh, and because I can:

Survivor Panama: Number Nine, Number Nine, Number NineorShow Us Your Nuts!

2006-04-19T00:28:00.000-04:00

by ilse

Previously, on The Terry Show...Terry tricks Shane into revealing the Final Four pecking order: Shane, Aras, Cirie, and Courtney, leaving Danielle and Bruce on the outside looking in. Terry follows up with, "Hey, did you know that 'gullible' isn’t in the dictionary?" Terry and Austin make plays to get first Bruce to switch teams, then Danielle, actually offering her the Troll Doll Immunity Idol. However, even though they recognize that switching teams would move them each up a notch, and that it would change the game up completely, they'd rather take their chances with the evil they know than the evil they don't. The numbers are 6-3, and Austin, one of the three, becomes Jury Member #1. This despite the fact that the two obvious choices of the three (Terry and Austin) could have had immunity, between Terry’s Troll Doll and the Immunity Chest Protector. Had they done this, Aras would have gone home. But Terry chose to keep both, just to be extra careful. Terry is a student of the Glennie School of Emergency Preparedness.

But now it's Day 22 on Bad Joke Beach. Terry is regaling tribe members around the campfire with tales of military training and bravado. He is an actual Top Gun pilot. Wonder if he participated in the homoerotic volleyball games? His profile says he was a catcher, so that probably answers that.

Courtney, Danielle, and Cirie are in the shelter, within earshot of the campfire. They anguish about him being The Amazing Terry and that no one's going to be able to beat him in challenges. "Maybe we can break his arm or something," Cirie suggests. Shouldn't be too hard to grab it while he's patting himself on the back.

Back at the campfire, Terry asks, "So, at what point do you guys just give up and realize that I'm gonna kick all y'alls' asses?"

"That's not part of the plan, Terry," Shane and Aras scoff. "And we all know that everything on Survivor goes as planned. Just ask Jamie."

Terry, in confessional: I rule this game. It's a shame that someone else had to go, but Austin isn't Me. I'm Me, the only Me. Those people I tried to persuade to vote with Me and didn’t are just...stupid. This game is all about ME! Did you know I'm a graduate of the Naval Academy? I'm also a DICK!

Danielle, still complaining to the Gitano Girls, says she wishes Terry and Sally were gone. Which makes total sense. Why wouldn't you want your two obvious boots to go so that your tribe could begin cannibalizing you?

She rifles through Terry's bag, looking for the idol. It's not there, which fuels speculation that he does not, in fact, have it.

Danielle, in confessional: Terry showed me what looked like a Troll Doll, but geez, that could be anything. How do I know that was the Troll Doll, and not something he made up to look like a Troll Doll? I just can't be sure. I'm nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt me.

Pop quiz: What's the difference between Danielle and a walrus?
One of them has gigantic teeth and smells of fish, and the other one's a walrus.

Aras breaks up the coffee klatch by reassuring them that The Amazing Terry, while he is amazing, is not an American Gladiator and he will fail to get immunity one day. Additionally, Aras asks to be sent to Exile Island the next time someone's eligible to go, because he hasn't been, and wants to see if Terry's telling the truth about the Troll Doll.

Aras, in confessional: Sure, we want to know if T-Dog's got the Troll Doll, but mostly, I want it for myself. See, it took me this long, but I've figured out that my head's on the chopping block.

Here I thought yoga was supposed to improve circulation to the brain. I've seen more intellectual prowess in a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

And it's time for the reward challenge. The teams arrive and are greeted by two huge bamboo structures. But first, Jiffy decides to show them what they're playing for...videos from home! They each get a little taste before the challenge, with a promise of the whole video if they win. Sean starts sobbing before they even get to the TV lounge area.

Terry's first. He has the whole American Dream thing going: House, wife, two kids (one boy, one girl), family dog. His daughter fills the screen and, on the brink of tears, she talks about how much she misses him, and how she hopes he's winning, and how she's sad that they can't play "monster in the closet" at night when Mommy's passed out early. Everyone thinks that Little Twee Girl is adorable.

Then Danielle's family, who tell her they're prouder of her now than when she figured out her AM radio would play at night.

Then Bruce gets to see his wife, and two dogs...no, wait, one dog and one daughter. He and his wife have been married for 28 years, which means she hasn’t had to make the guest room bed since he left for the island.

Courtney’s mom is next. She tells her daughter that she’s got the scented candles going, the luck stones going, the tea leaves going, the voodoo dolls going...she looks normal enough, but man. Something tells me that somewhere along the line, the going got weird and Courtney went pro.

Aras’ dad is center stage on the next video. He is shown riding a bike around their back yard, and then going into a giant teepee, also in their back yard. “What’s with the teepee?” Jiffy asks. “He always wanted one,” Aras replies, as if this were the most mundane thing in the world and requires no further explanation. Aras attended a special school for the Differently Clued.

It’s Shane’s turn. He’s sobbing into his knee. I haven’t seen someone cry like that since Paris Hilton was turned down for the role of Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker because she kept forgetting her lines. We see his son, Boston Powers, and Shane better be putting money away now for his therapy, ‘cuz this kid’s going to have more issues than National Geographic. I’m still amazed that Shane found someone who would voluntarily procreate with him. This guy should be the poster boy for birth control, ferchrissake.

“We grew up together,” Shane explains. “He’s my other half, he’s my brother, my son, my best friend...he’s my life.” That’s just...sad. Seriously. Dude, you’re allegedly a grown-up. Get your own damn friends, and let your son have his. Yes, you were young when you knocked up some poor self-loathing humanoid female (suppressing the feminist urge to throw things at him for saying “when I had him”), and yes, you have the emotional maturity of a room full of 6th graders, and the mental agility of a soap dish, but that doesn’t mean you grew up together. Unless your son calls his grandmother “Mom,” which would, actually, explain a lot.

Sally gets her family video next, which is about as entertaining as watching potatoes bake. Even Jiffy is speechless. “Well, that was...they’re just...hey, look at the time.”

Cirie is last. Her video shows her husband and two sons. “We miss you, Moms!” one of her kids says. “Yeah, honeybunny,” her husband says. “We miss your laugh, your smile.” She is touched. “We’ve stayed together through thick and...well, mostly through thick. But he says I don’t sweat much, for a fat girl.”

And now, it’s time for the challenge: the winning team will get their whole videos and a big plate of...PB&Js with milk. So winning a challenge on Survivor is akin to losing a challenge on Big Brother. I’m so confused.

The challenge is one of the strangest I’ve ever seen. The two bamboo structures we saw are for the two teams of four each. One member lies on their stomach on a sort of a cradle-sling attached to three ropes which run through the center of the structure and out of the top, then down to the ground around the edge of the structure, each rope held by one of the other three team members. Using the ropes, they must maneuver the person on the sling around the edges of the bamboo pagoda, picking up 15 flags from various spots and placing them in order on one side of the structure. I think I’ve seen something like this before, but it involved vinyl clothing, 9 midgets, and Thousand Island dressing.

At the end of this stupid, bizarre challenge, Courtney, Terry, Bruce, and Sally choose Aras to go to Exile Island, and skip off to eat their sandwiches and milk. It appears that the crusts are not cut off, nor are the sandwiches cut into triangles, and it’s not even chocolate milk. Why bother?

Shane, Cirie, and Danielle trudge back to camp, Shane talking the whole time about how it was a sucky reward anyway. Thanks, Sobby McSobberton. Would you care for a tissue, or does it bother you to lose precious IQ points every time you blow your nose?

No sooner do they get back to camp than Shane confronts Cirie. “I have a problem with my penis,” he says.

She snorts. “It happens to every guy. It’s not a big deal.”

“No, no, something weird’s going on with it, I need you to look at it.” He goes behind the shelter, expecting Cirie to follow him, and drops trou. Danielle, recognizing the sound of her people’s mating call, begins heading around the shelter herself before Cirie slaps her unconscious. “Stupid white girl with tits like granite and a brain like Bleu Cheese,” she mumbles, stepping over the body.

Cirie, horrified, is drawn to help Shane in her capacity as a nurse (she wanted to be a pharmacist, but couldn’t figure out how to get the little bottles in the typewriter). Never has she been so pleased with her career choice.

“Don’t laugh,” he says.

These pictures pretty much tell the story:

Thank God for pixilation, is all I can say.

“Wow. You must drive a Lamborghini,” she comments.

Cirie, in confessional: I couldn’t believe I had to do that. But it did make me laugh, and made me forget what I was missing. Although I have the strangest craving for cocktail weenies.

She diagnoses him with diaper rash and recommends that he “air out the area.” For the second time in Survivor history, someone with a Y chromosome fashions for himself a skirt. Please G-d, let it be the last time...unless Season 13 is the all-drag queen edition. Wouldn’t that be kick-ass?

Speaking of which, Aras is chopping coconuts on Exile Island and looking for the Troll Doll. He “can’t wrap [his] mind around these clues.” But then, he has a mind like wet tennis shoes; it makes squishy noises when running. Oh, yeah, and he also can’t find it because Terry found it days ago.

Aras, in confessional: Maybe Terry didn’t have a problem with sending me here because he’s already got the Troll Doll. If that’s true, then I should clearly stop wasting energy looking for it. But if it’s not true, then he sent me here to make me think that he already has the Troll Doll, and I should clearly look for it harder. But then if that’s true, then clearly I don’t have to look for it, because if he doesn’t have it, we can safely vote him out. But then...

Anybody else smell burning hair?

Meanwhile, back at the tribal beach, the reward challenge winners are disembarking from the Not-A-Quit-Boat.

Danielle is having a little case of Greeneyes.

Danielle, in confessional: I hate these people. I don’t want to hear about their videos, or how full they are, or how great the reward was. I wanted the peanut butter sandwiches, though. I haven’t had anything sticking to the roof of my mouth since I’ve been here.

As the reward challenge winners tromp up the beach, we notice that they’re carrying new things with them; part of the reward was getting to have their luxury items to take with them, which was not mentioned at all prior to the challenge. Bruce brought his sketchbook, because they wouldn’t let him bring his bonsai tree; Sally brought a journal in which to record her thoughts, so we are sure it will remain pristine throughout the game; Terry brought an American flag, because he thinks he’s the 51st star, and immediately ties it to the top of the shelter, which I’m pretty sure isn’t protocol for flag display; and Courtney brought her Fire Dancer fire toys because she’s such a damn workaholic. When she isn’t coming her hair with an eggbeater, that is.

Shane: Do we get to have luxury items, too?

Let’s see, hmmm...did you WIN the challenge? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t. You’ll get nothing and like it. Jesus H. Christ, this guy doesn’t have the sense that G-d gave an animal cracker.

Cirie, in confessional: It’s hard when you’re the loser.

I love when they just HAND me quotes like that.

I gotta admit, watching Courtney do all these rhythmic gymnastic moves with the long spinny nun-chuck things is pretty impressive. Although I’m pretty sure that while she was learning, she hit herself in the head plenty of times...which, again, would explain a lot.

After the commercial break, we are told it’s now day 24, so we skipped day 23 completely.

Top 10 things that happened on Day 23 that did not make it to air:

10. They all took a long walk on the beach at sunset and looked dreamily into each others’ eyes
9. Three words: Giant Sand Castle
8. Foraged from the hidden McNugget Bush
7. Built a radio out of coconuts and strands of creeper
6. Performed dramatic readings of “The Pet Goat”
5. Speculated on the location of Survivor 29 (the consensus was “Panama, for the 17th time”)
4. Unearthed the bones of Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa, then reburied them, since no one knew who they were
3. Were approached by Jehovah’s Witnesses...issues of “The Watchtower” voted best toilet paper ever
2. Debated the eternal question: who would win a cage match between Tinky Winky and Barney?
1. Dodgeball!

The Amazing Terry tells Sally that it’s up to her to convince two people to flop AND for either she or Terry to win Immunity. No pressure. The body language here is interesting: Terry’s standing, with hands on hips; Sally is crouching on a stump, playing with her hair. Any question about who’s calling the shots?

I’ve heard some people compare Terry to Tom. Having thought a lot about this, I have to disagree. While both were regarded by their tribemates as Glorious He-Men, they reacted to this very differently. Tom was very “aw, shucks, not me” about it; Terry’s reaction is more one of “Yes. And?” Tom tried to fly under the radar; Terry is very in-your-face about his intentions. Tom used emotional manipulation to get people to do what he wanted them to do, and they’d do it, and find a way to crush glass into their own forehead while they were at it; Terry just says, “this is what I want you to do” and people find themselves thinking it’s a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, they’re both despicable hypocrites, but at least Terry’s moderately up front about it.

Sally, in confessional: Terry may decide to play the Troll Doll, or he may not, whether or not one of us wins Immunity. I acknowledge that I have no power in this game whatsoever and have completely sublimated my will to The Amazing Terry. He is better than Cats. I will watch him again and again.

Shane, to Terry: You know, if you don’t win Immunity today, and you DON’T have that stupid Troll Doll, you are SO done.
Terry, to Shane: You moron. You just guaranteed that I’ll win.

The camera cuts to an underwater shot of a skull. No foreshadowing there, I’m sure.

I miss tree-mail, so here you go:

It’s time for a change-up
The pecking order’s revealed
Who’s all good, who’s fucked
Will be made plain by a meal

You’ll all have a choice:
A nut or a shell
With the nut you will feast;
or to compete you’re compelled

It’s 6 folks to 2 now
And what does that mean?
All’s going as planned, so
Praise the Lord and pass the beans!

Aras returns from Exile Island, refreshed and renewed, as anyone would be after finally getting a chance to masturbate in peace for the first time in 23 days.

As the clue says, each tribe member is given a nut to put in one hand, and a shell in the other – you may remember this from Survivor: Defacing the Mayan Ruins. On the count of three, the players reveal the contents of one hand or the other, indicating their choice: The shell indicates that they will compete in the challenge, and the nut indicates that they don’t give a shiny shit about the Troll Doll they’ve been obsessed with during the entire show, and by Odin’s beard, they’re going to eat, which they are only allowed to do while the challenge is going on.

The only ones not showing their nuts are Terry (DUH), Sally (DUH), and Aras. This means that it is up to Aras, and only Aras, to make sure that one of the two remaining folks from the other tribe – one of whom very, very likely has the Troll Doll – does not win Immunity. If I were Aras, I’d be pissed.

The challenge is to run out about 50 yards into the water, dive under, and memorize a sequence of 7 submerged pictures. They must then run back to the beach, and, from 7 triangular blocks with different pictures on each side, reproduce the sequence. That’s it.

Jiffy shouts GO and the three competing dash for the water. The other 5 dash for the picnic table nearby, laden with giant cheeseburgers with all the fixin’s , potato wedges, pickles, and soft drinks. They gorge themselves on the feast like a smoker inhales a cigarette after a 10-hour flight. Jiffy, annoyingly, narrates both the challenge portion and the gorging portion in standard “Name, gerund phrase!” fashion. I’d really hate to hear him narrate a porno.

Terry’s back first, followed closely by Aras, then Sally. Aras calls Jiffy over to check his blocks, but he doesn’t have the sequence right. He runs back into the water for a second look. Meanwhile, Terry motions that he thinks he’s got it. The camera cuts to the table, where we can see Courtney saying, “No, oh no, no no no!” Or that’s what she would say if her mouth weren’t crammed with food. Instead it comes out, “Mph mrph muh muh muh!” My autistic 5-year-old enunciates better than that.

But, like most times that Courtney has her mouth full, someone else is satisfied: Terry pumps his fist as he is declared the Immunity winner for the third straight time. The Overeaters Anonymous members shove in one last overflowing mouthful, and the challenge is over.

Back at camp, The Sinister Six decide that Sally’s going home, and thank Aras for actually showing up for the challenge.

Aras, to the other five: Fucking DUH, people. Why not just HAND them the Immunity Chest Protector? Why not just vote me off right the fuck now?

Terry shows Bruce the Troll Doll, which, it seems, has magical properties to make people doubt that they saw anything at all. Sally talks with the other Gitano Girls to try to convince them that two of them should vote with her and Terry, creating a 4-4 tie, and then the Troll Doll would be played.

Courtney corners Terry near the water well and point-blank asks him if they’re playing the Troll Doll tonight. “I’m not even saying I have it,” he says, having shown it to Bruce not 15 seconds of footage before.

Courtney, in confessional: I’d really like to align with Terry, because I really want to go up against him in the final two.

Thanks, Katie, and good luck with that. Next!

The Survivors trek into the Tribal Council set, but not before being treated to a Fire Dancing performance by Courtney. Fun factoid: Did you know that Fire Dancers can get insurance through Clowns of the US?

The look on Danielle's face as everyone is mesmerized by Courtney's balletic moves is priceless. Mostly loathing, with overtones of "I could do that if I wanted to," and just a tinge of "Why are they looking at HER? I got my damn tits done so people would look at ME!"

The players take their stumps, Jiffy brings in Jury Member #1, Austin.

Jiffy: Shane, you're an asshole. Reinforce that for us, would you?

Shane: I can't believe I ate the whole thing. I mean, I feel a little bad, like maybe I should have competed in the challenge and thought of my team before my tummy, but then I realized I'm far too selfish for that. And really, when things come to things, screw you guys.

Jiffy: Thanks, totally showed off that 10K bandwidth brain of yours. Sally, you're nearly invisible behind that target, how's that feel?

Sally: Sucks. Wish I could be like Shane over there, sitting pretty. But maybe not quite so much an asshole.

Jiffy: Aras, why don't you talk about why Shane's an asshole?

Aras: The strategy was to get the necklace away from Terry so we could vote him off. Everyone, but particularly Shane, blew that off the minute 8 pounds of dead ground cow appeared, leaving me eating their dust. And I'm pissed off because if Terry was going to win anyway, I could have eaten some damn food, too. Sally, when you're finished with that target, can I have it?

Jiffy: Shane, talk about Terry until he interrupts you.

Shane: The man's a 47-year-old beast. But there's no way that he can win 6 in a row, and I know for absolutely certain that nothing can possibly happen between now and the final four that could change that.

Terry: But that's just what I'm going to do. The sooner you guys realize that I'm Me, The Amazing Terry, the better off you'll be. And I don't care if I have six Troll Dolls in my pocket, I'm not going to be one of these limp little pussyboys and avoid competing.

Danielle: God, Terry, you're such a dick.

Jiffy: Danielle, why is Terry a dick? Keeping in mind, of course, that you're a two-faced, self-aggrandizing bitch.

Danielle: He's cocky and thinks he controls the game just because he does and he doesn't make any bones about it.

Jiffy: Have you actually attended the last few tribal councils, or did your mother ship take you home? You guys are at least as bad as he is. You're just frustrated because you can't beat him.

Danielle: So what's your point?

Jiffy: I'll show you later; Julie's on the rag. Cirie, what's the deal with the Immunity Idol?

Cirie: What, are you on drugs? Terry's showed that thing to so many people he ought to be charging admission. Or, at least, I think he has. It's all sort of vague.

Jiffy: Courtney, when you go to a mind-reader, do they charge you half-price?

Courtney: No, they usually ask to do my palms instead – they can see that I've got palms.

Time to vote! Terry doesn't give up the Chest Protector. Jiffy reminds everyone that Terry has the Troll Doll, except he doesn't, sort of maybe.

The votes are drawn out of the Coconut Ice Bucket: Sally, Sally, Aras, Aras, Sally, Sally, Sally. There is a brief moment of tension as we wait for her to reveal the Troll Doll...but she doesn't. Aras looks like he might need a cigarette and a change of underwear. Sally's torch is snuffed and she makes her way out.

Jiffy: Terry escapes the vote again by his double-super-secret protection. You guys are putting way more Easter eggs in Terry's basket than logic would dictate. And remember: Terry's a dick, and Shane's an asshole, and as we all know, dicks fuck assholes. Get out of my sight and don't come back until Courtney's discovered that even A-cup breasts can sag.

Sally, in confessional: I had a great time. I'm even glad that Terry didn't give me the Troll Doll. It really is for the best that he keep it. I can't wait to vote for him in the final two!

Next time, on Survivor: Bruce has menstrual cramps, and paranoia sets in as they realize that Someone Who Is Not Terry will be going home.

But then, if you kept the TV on CBS, the first commercial break for CSI: Duluth showed a promo involving some sort of medical emergency that required evacuation from the island. My bet's on one of them tripping over a cordless phone.

As always, thanks for reading.

Survivor Exile Island Episiode 8 - Breakfast in Bed and A little Hairy Head

2006-04-18T16:57:00.000-04:00

By Buggy

Last week on Survive This - Fester said everything there was to say about this season.
It was a perfectly right on, nailed it , nailed them, assessment of the game and the players. Deadly accurate , totally funny, and he left nothing but crumbs behind when he was done with them.

Last week on Survivor - The tribes merged . Casaya vowed to pick off the LaMina players one by one. LaMina had a plan to get someone to switch over to their side so they wouldn’t get picked off one by one. Terry won the first individual immunity ( because everyone else quit ) , and made offers to Bruce, Cirie and Shane to let them come along with his "tight four" for a promise of 6th place and a coveted spot on the jury.
Nick got voted out. ( Say it with me people,) " Nick who?"

Nine are left !
Who will be voted out this week?!
(I’m guessing Katie Couric, but lets see how this plays out anyway.)

Gitano Tribe - Day after Nick went

Austin tells Terry he is happy to have been spared the ax at Tribal. I guess he really expected to be voted out, it’s a good thing he didn’t do anything stupid.
Courtney ( The Fire Dancer) in a confessional says that last night at tribal council Austin was a jerk.

Fire Dancer - Austin says that he tanked the challenge! He bragged about it, he acted all weak and stuff, but he is really strong and I’m like all , "Oh MY gosh, we voted off the wrong guy!"

Hey Courtney, think much? What the hell does it matter which one you voted out? Is Austin all that much stronger than Nick? ( Who?) We all know Casaya really wanted to vote off Terry, and if he got immunity you were going after Austin or Nick. What difference did it make which one? Did you guys really base your decision on Nick hanging on a few seconds longer than Austin?
Did Austin really put one over on you guys?

Austin - I pulled off the greatest caper of all time, but it didn’t work. I knew I was going home and I didn’t want to leave with them thinking I was weak , so I told them I threw the immunity challenge. Except they didn’t vote me off , and Ha Ha , my bad , I am so stupid. Now they know I’m not weak.
( Austin! Why didn’t you just show ‘em your dick? Such a big strong man you are, Austin. Oh swoon, you aren’t weaker than Nick Who, at all. Geeze!)

Austin - Now people are questioning whether I can be trusted or not.

Of course you can’t be trusted, and neither can any of them.
They are going to vote you out if you don’t win immunity , so maybe pretending to be weak isn’t such a good idea this time. Okay? Because even I don’t feel sorry for you, and that’s really saying something.

We cut to the beach, where we find former Casaya members in pursuit of gastropods. We watch the brave hunters search the rocks for elusive invertebrates. They must be swift, and stealthy , they must be smarter than their prey.
Snail hunting is a serious business.

Ares , Shane, Courtney and that other girl ( I can never remember her name) are snail hunting , and I can’t get that song out of my head, you know the one.

First there is a mountain , then there is no mountain, then there is, the snails are in the garden , yes there are snails, yes there are.
Sorry, just had to share it.

As Shame combs the rocks for sneaky snails, we hear Areas and the girls talking.

Areas - These snails are just like LaMina , slimey and hard to get out.
(Out of the rocks or out of the game, or out of their shells? Because you seem to be getting LaMina members out of the game quite well. Sure, you weren’t able to vote for them til after the merge, but every time you won an immunity challenge ( and there were quite a few) one of them went home. )

Arees - These snails are just like LaMina , slimey and hard to get out.
Other Girl- Oh Ares, aren’t you cutthroat.
Areas - No! They are cutthroat, and that Austin is a Slimeball!
The girls bob their heads and agree to the slimebucketness that is Austin. Bad Austin! Such a liar he is! So sneaky and slimey and snail-like.
Aries - We can’t trust him; from now on we don’t reveal anything, PERIOD!

Not revealing anything is a totally new concept to these folks, they don’t even try to keep who they are voting for a surprise.
Shane scowls ( the same scowl he uses when sitting on his stump, the very one he learned in acting class, the scowl he uses while "Hunting" ) and wanders away.

Clouds race through the sky, lizards lurk in the jungle, we must be traveling back to camp.

Camp - Sergio Valente Tribe

Terry explains his strategy to the viewers at home. By the way, Terry is the only hope we have of there not being a complete Pagonging, but do we really care this time? I for one think he is too sure that he deserves the win over everyone else. He is way too cocky for someone who lead his team into the merge with fewer members. Terry is useful , tools usually are.

Terry - The other team is going after us, we need to try to pull some of their members over to our side, pull some of the girls over , because you know I am dead sexy. It’s going to be hard to figure out the 5 or 6 , and who is in control over them, but the girls must be in danger enough to want to be guaranteed a spot with my peeps, I can offer them 5th or 6th place. Casaya is happy, they have the numbers, but things could change because maybe, just maybe one of them needs a dictionary. I’m a team guy. I’m still LaMima, I was the leader over there , but now we are merged and at tribe Jordache, I’m hoping I can turn things around. Did I mention that chicks dig me?

Jungle mail!

Courtney thinks it’s going to be , " A fun one!"
It’s a coconut with a poem written on it, that she reads to the group.
Skill can win a bullrace
(keep your head in the game)
Making tough decisions can take guts
( keep your head in the game)
But in political battles
(don’t be afraid to shoot the outside J)
You’ll always deal with nuts
( getcha getcha head in the game)

Courtney - Look! It’s written on a coconut, it has to be fun!

Sally ( Sally is that little blond girl with the knee socks, you remember, the one who lost the fishing spear causing LaMina to suck forever after) - The Nut said it was a political game, and that is good for me and Terry and Austin , we’re hoping for some conflict to shake things up, and Austin is hoping for a chance to show off his nuts.

Challenge Beach

For the first time tonight, we get to see the Probst! He is wearing a blue shirt!
I know!!
*WAVES*
Hi Jeff!
Sometimes I think he’s the only reason I keep watching this show.

Jeff greets them and explains the challenge.
They will be divided into 3 teams of 3 , each team gets a boat and a bin with 100 painted coconuts in it. The teams must put their coconuts in the boats of other teams, and then paddle out, get a flag that matches your coconut color, and then paddle back in , drag the nuts in a net up the beach , fill the bin , raise the flag, and that’s pretty much it, you know, in a nutshell. ( LOL! Oh I crack myself up! HAHAHA!) So I suppose the political part is that the coconuts are painted different colors?

Jeff - You wanna know what you’re playing for?

They always do! They always wanna know what they are playing for, they are ready, they have their head in the game, and they need to know what fabulous prizes they are playing for. Tell them Jeffy , just tell them already!

Jeff - The winning team of 3 will be picked up tomorrow by boat and taken to a lovely little spot where you will find a bed and breakfast waiting for you. Bacon, mimosas, yummy pastries. You will also get to choose someone to go to the Scary Exile Island!
( Ooooooooo , sceery)

Teams of 3 chosen randomly

Shane - Terry - Austin - Team Nuts

Bruce - Sally - Arse - Team Mixed Nuts

Danielle - Courtney - Cerie - Team Twats

Jeff ( aka Captain Stupidhead) - Survivors ready? For breakfast in bed, Go!

Team Nuts gangs up on the Twats, putting all their nuts in the Twats boat. Team Mixed Nuts is loading up the Nuts with nuts , while the Twats can barely carry a load of nuts without dropping them all over the beach. Aries tells Danielle to "Stay on the Nuts , we aren’t putting any in your yours."
Aha! That tricky Mixed Nut Ares, is trying to get the Twatties to help him load up the nuts on the Nuts. I suppose everyone should make sure that he beats Terry.
Nuts and Mixed Nuts are heading into the water about the same time, and the Twats are so far behind that they have to start putting their nuts in their own boat because the other teams are off the shore.
Jeff mocks them for being in last place. " No Shot! The Twats got no shot!" , yells Jeff.
Team Nuts gets back to the beach with the flag first and starts to load up the nut net with nuts, it’s going to take them two trips though and Mixed Nuts is right behind them. Mixed can fit all their nuts in the net! They get all the nuts in ONE LOAD! Jeff pretends it’s close, as Sally runs back for the flag, and the Mixed Nuts win Reward!
A boat to take them to a nice little spot for breakfast in bed.

Now you all heard Jeff, same as I did, say " bed and breakfast" before the challenge, then he changed it and started saying "breakfast and bed" and then " breakfast in bed" . Jeff is a lying sack!
He is a dimpled , blue shirted , jaunty hat wearing, sneaky lying ass. It’s kinda funny though.

Now he drops the real bomb, as the winners of the reward, Team Mixed Nuts has to pick someone to go to *cue dramatic spooky music* EXILE ISLAND! They don’t just pick one someone, they have to pick TWO someones! Ha! Arses chooses Austin from the Nuts, and Danielle from the Twats, to be exiled, the rest return to camp because except for the Breakfast Club , Jeff has nothing for them.

Sassoon Beach - Day 20

It’s wet.
Rain , raining, the camp is a lake again WET!

Sally ( the spear losing, tribe killing Social Worker) - Winning the reward was the best thing ever. I am going to have breakfast in bed with Bruce and Oddis. ( I rewound the tape 3 times, I swear she says Oddis)

Oddis - I am like a kid on Xmas Eve! I woke up early and have been waiting , where’s the boat? The minute I won it , ( Dude, you had some help, it was a team event) I knew what I’d done. I revealed some of my athleticism , but a lot of my wit. ( Umm yeah, you are super amazing). I’m the leader and now they know I’m smart too , I may have painted a big target on me.

The catapiller sheds it’s skin to find the butterfly within.

The Boat finally shows up and off our little Mixed Nuts go for their reward.

Sally - Bruce, Oddis and I had no idea where we were going. ( There! She said it again!)

I think Bruce, Sally and the Oddman , thought they were at least going to some sort of building with a roof. But no, that is not the case. The boat brings them to a sand bar in the pouring rain. There is a canopy bed sitting out on the beach. No way! Way!

Sally -No Way is that our reward! There is a beautiful bed, but it’s pouring rain, it’s like wet.
Way!

We get confessionals of all of them describing rain , and water, and wetness. The Bed they are supposed to have breakfast in is drenched. The sheets are soaked, the pillows are soppy , the canopy is dripping. It’s cold, they are wet, and this looks like the worst reward ever! They get into the wet bed and then a tray with food is brought to them, and then more food and more food.
Sally- It went from this cold and miserable moment , to the most incredible day ever!
Amazing what some good food can do for you when you’ve been eating snails and beans for 20 days.
Orange juice seems to have brought little Sally, right back to life.

Areas - This was so worth it!
Sally - I don’t even care that I’m wet!
Bruce - I’m used to sleeping in a wet bed

We watch them eat, and eat and eat and eat. Bruce lists all the kinds of foods they have, and it’s alot.
As they open more champagne, Sally tells us over again that she is so comfortable, and soooooo wet. She never thought being in bed with 2 strange men ( one of them really strange and the other just really Odd) would feel so comfortable. The more she talks, the more I think this may not have been little Sally’s first time at the rodeo ( ifyaknowwhatImean)

Calvins Tribe - Beach

Terry is attempting to bond with Shame, who is looking more freaked out than ever. I’m not sure what role he is attempting to play today, but "serial killer" is the costume. ( He looks scarier than that time he tried to rape Rayanne Graff on My So Called Life.)
Terry is trying to feel him out , looking for a chink in the Casaya block , Shane is just giving him the wild "scary eyes".
The conversation goes like this

T-Bone - Danielle and Austin must be hating life about now ( Who? Oh ya, they’re on Exile Island, I forgot)
Terry - I wonder why Ares picked Danielle over Courtney ?
Shame - Dunno
Terry- I wonder if he thought she could handle herself better
Shame - I Dunno

Shane looks totally confused , like he knows he has to try to mind game Terry here, but he really doesn’t know how. He knows Terry is trying to play him for info , but he has no clue what to say. Terry thinks he is sly , pumping Shame for the final four plan , but it’s not all that sneaky.

Shame - Uhh, you could have the idol... Dude.
Terry - But the idol will only take you so far

Now Shane is really confused, he isn’t sure if Terry just admitted to having the idol or not, and the Casaya, are very afraid of the idol.

Terry - Who would you bet the final four will be?
( Long Pause)
Shane - Me, Ares, Cirie and Courtney
Terry - Good, let’s put 25 bucks on it? Bet that will be the final four?
Shane - Uhh, okay. Dude.

Terry in confessional tells us about his amazing discovery, the one that is gonna win him the game.

T- Dawg - I learned some very important stuff when I was talking with Shane. I learned who is next in their pecking order. ( It’s you Terry, you dumb ass! It’s you and Austin and Sally! LaMina is on the menu. You’re Soylent Green, Dude! )
Terry - Two of theirs are left out of their final four plan. ( That’s because there are SIX of them left, even I can do that math.) If I can swing them over to our side , if I can change their minds, I can totally swing this game.
Ha! Good Luck with that. And wasn’t that your plan last week? How did that work out for your tribe? I don’t see NickWho around here anywhere. Hell, you couldn’t even get that crazy old rock gardening Bruce to switch.
But at least Terry has hope, at least he is trying.

Wranglers Beach

The boat returns to bring back the Breakfast Club, and Shane runs down the beach to meet them , and Cirie wonders aloud if they brought back any bacon.

Cirie - Are they back already? Did they bring any food? I didn’t win, but I’m hungry. I don’t want to think about breakfast, I don’t want to hate them more than I do already. I’m a totally sore loser. I am hanging on their every word while complaining about having to listen to their food stories.

Bruce - I had to eat some of Sally’s bacon.
Sally - I had too much
Bruce - I ate so much it made me dizzy !
Sally - I had like eleventy two slices of bacon!
Bruce - I ate 50 slices of bacon and 12 chocolate croissants!
Sally - Look at my belly!
Shane - Those are some quality problems you got there, ( mimicking them ) " Oh I couldn’t finish my bacon because there was too much. "

Cirie laughs at Shane’s attempt at humor, and Sally wants everyone to look at her swollen belly.
( It’s really swollen , looks like she is pregnant, and she did spend the morning on the wet spot in bed with Bruce and Aries, so you never know).
Speaking of Ares? Where is the Oddman ? He wasn’t seen or heard from in the breakfast bragging scene, so either he was dropping off a load, or he wisely decided not to piss off the hungry folks with stories of amazing gluttony.
Sally - I ate all the bacon in the world. Look, at, my, BELLY!

Night 20 - Skerry Exile Island

Oh fer heck!
I totally forgot all about Dallas and What’s Her Name, there on Exile Island, home of the giant stick monster.
It’s storming, harsh.
Rain, wind, lightening ( I assume thunder, because they go together, but really, I don’t remember hearing any thunder over the roar of Austin and Dani’s whining. )

(This is the part where I was gonna put a really funny song parody of the Gilligan’s Island Theme song. It was going to be utterly hysterical, you were all gonna giggle your asses off. But I got late, and I got lazy. So it would be really nice if you just laughed some right now. Thank you)

Austin and Danielle are miserable, huddling under a blanket in the rain.
It goes like this.

Aus - This sucks.
Dani- Oh my Gawd , this sucks
Aus- This sucks so bad
Dani - This sucks
Aus - OMG , this totally sucks
Dani- We have no fire
Aus- We’re soaked
Dani - This is no fun, it sucks
Aus- Do you suck?
Dani - No!
Aus- That sucks.

Austin tells the camera that being miserable causes people to bond quickly, and that he and Danielle have become very close while huddled under the towel in the rain.

Aus- We’re tight now, we bonded
Dani - I’m so glad I’m here with you
Aus - Let’s be best friends!
Dani - BFF!
Aus & Dani - YAY!

In confessional
Austin - I am so proud of Danielle, we are bonded, we are BFF!
In confessional
Danielle - Austin is my back-up plan

She does understand that in order for him to be a back-up for her, he still has to be in the game, right?

Day 21 - Levi’s 501 Tribe

Terry and Sally are doing chores around camp. She asks if Austin will look for the idol, Terry tells her that life will suck if they don’t have fire. Sally worries that they are down to three, and tells us that they are being picked off , she wonders how they are going to change the game.

Sally - ( to Terry) What happens if Austin and Danielle find the idol? Who gets it them?

(This? Is a very good question. As my Hubby would say this is a " Flaw in the plot." Because what would have happened if the idol was still there? Would they have sent 2 people to Exile at the same time if Terry hadn’t found it? It’s an interesting thought. But if doesn’t really matter much since Terry has been walking around with the idol in his pants all along.)

Terry - I have it.
Sally - What? Are you serious?
Terry - I’m serious as a heartattack. I found it in the first 20 minutes I was exiled. I am amazing. I have it, I’ve always had it. I was born with it!
Sally - But I dug holes out there!
Terry- You wasted your time Sally.

Sally has never been happier! This is what she needed to get her hope back. This was the game changing event she’d been waiting for! She tells us how happy she is.

Sally - It’s a great day! We got the idol! ( No Sal, Terry has the idol, but you go ahead and get your hopes up). We have an Ace in the hole! If Terry wins immunity he can slip me or Austin the idol and save us! ( Did he say he was gonna do that? Because I’m not so sure that is what he has planned.) This is a great day! I’m pumped! ( I would have said " screwed’ but I guess it’s kinda the same thing)

Challenge Beach

Hi Jeff!
Everybody wave at Jeff!
*Waves*

Jeff - Come on in guys, We’re going to bring back Austin and that girl that isn’t Courtney from being exiled. You guys look like shit, how was Exile Island?

Austin- Worse day of my life Jeff
Danielle - It never stopped raining, we were cold.
Jeff - Whatever. Now you have to compete for immunity.
( I love it when Jeff smiles all evil , fear the dimples)

It’s a bigass obstacle course. All 9 try to dig their way under a fence, 6 move on.
Moving on are Sally , Courtney , Shane, Danielle , Austin and Terry ( Cirie never had a chance) , they have to work a brain teaser ( insert joke here) then through a cage, and over some sand hills, the first 3 move on.
Austin, Terry and Sally climb over some water on a rope bridge , and then over some more sand hills, and it’s Sally and Terry to the final.
Are you surprised that Terry is gonna win this? Because if you are, you haven’t been paying attention.
He beats Sally, ( duh) but she stayed up with him pretty good for a little girl in knee socks.
Casaya stands around looking disgusted that Terry kicked their ass again.

Jeff - One of you losers is going home. See ya at Tribal!

Bye Jeff!!
*Waves*

Day 21 - Gitanos Tribe

Danielle is not happy that Areas picked her to go to Exile, in fact she’s pissed about it.

Danielle - WHY! Why me! ( sobbing)
Areas - You’re tough as nails D. I hope you are okay with it, but I chose you because you are so tough, because you are my favorite, it was an honor for me to be able to send you to the skerry island while I ate so much bacon that I saw colors. Did I mention there was a soft bed? It was wet, but when you have 8 chocolate croissants and a pot of coffee you kinda forget that you are uncomfortable. It rained so hard that it diluted my orange juice! I hope you understand Dani, it was an honor for you to be able to represent Casaya on Exile Island , you are the toughest one of us, except for Bruce and he was busy stuffing himself with me at the breakfast. Poor Bruce do you realize that old guy had to eat himself dizzy because Sally is a such a wimp she couldn't even finish her own bacon!
Sally- Eleventy two slices!
Danielle - ( sobbing) Me and Austin, we are bonded for life now! We huddled together under a towel for 2 days. We’re BFF!

We cut to Austin who thinks he is toast. Not winning immunity is the end of him.
Terry thinks he can use the hairy immunity shunken head to bargain with, somehow the immunity idol is going to take, not just him, but his whole scruffy little LaMina tribe to the Final Four.
By the way, " LaMina", meaning small , weak, and girlie , fits them just fine.
The planning session goes like this.

Terry - Are you close with her?
Austin - She doesn’t suck , but we’re BFF!
Terry - Does she wanna be final 5 with us? ( dramatic pause) Us, and the Idol.
Austin - You have it?
Terry - Ya, I have it.
( Cue up " Dangerzone" from Top Gun )
Terry - I want to use the idol strategically to take us to the final 3 . We will lure Dani and Bruce in to our group.

Operation "False Hope" is born!

Austin - We got bargaining chips!
Sally - * giggle*
Terry and Austin start the campaign by lying on either side of Bruce in the shelter, and schmoozing him. They tell him about Shane and the bet, they tell him about the pecking order, they tell him that Aras is pissing on Bruce’s rock garden at night. They tell Bruce that he is not on " The List" with Casaya. They promise him a great deal to final 5. It’s a gift really. How could he refuse.
Bruce - I respect Terry, he respects me.

Casaya tries to decide who to vote out, like they usually do, out in the open. There is no sneaking around, there is no whispering at the snail rock, no sharing of information by the water hole. Nope, these folks just argue right out in the open, in front of their targets.
This time though, Areas and Shame are a little worried. They think Terry has the idol, they think the girls don’t have their backs. Courtney doesn’t think that Terry would give the idol away, but A & S are afraid.
( The hairy little idol came from EXILE ISLAND, the skerry stick monster lives there, what is not to be afraid of?)

It’s time for Austin and T-man to schmooze Danielle now, she is their chance to flip the game. He is going to give her the idol??? What a fricken tool!
Terry - I went to Top Gun school ( cue up "Dangerzone " again) we played volleyball in the sand without shirts. We trusted each other, we used words like honor, and trust, and , ummm , honor. I would never lie to you Danielle, you are BFF with my friend Austin, and we need your vote.
Austin - Terry has the idol! Terry has the idol!
Terry - I am willing to give it to you , you can relax for 11 more days, if you promise to vote with us. I’ll give you THIS! ( He flashes a bit of the idol’s furry little head at her, it could be anything, she could be selling her vote for Scott Tennerman’s pubes).
Terry - Vote with us , you’ll be safe. I’ll give you the little head.
Austin - We are BFF, I let you use the big piece of towel.

Danielle thinks she can change the whole game, she could flop it, she could have power, she could give false hope to others, she could have the little hairy troll head.
( and there is a joke in there, somewhere)

Casaya stratigizes some more.
Aras - Sally goes
Courtney - I don’t agree
Oh the drama!

Austin - Terry, you should give the idol to me or Sally before Tribal, just in case.
Terry - We’ll see what happens

There it is Austin, right there, the moment that you should know that you are toast. All those other times that you thought you were getting voted out, were just practice for this moment. Terry has the immunity necklace, Terry has the immunity troll head, Sally has boobs.
Terry isn’t letting you hold the idol, you won’t be getting your hands on it unless they pass it around at the cast party.
Toast!.

Tribal Council

Have you seen this show before? You probably know how this part goes because it’s always just about the same. I have to say that the tribal council set , gets darker and scarier each season.
Gone are the gumdrop candy forests of the earlier seasons , now it’s all skulls and dead stuff, and spider webs and fire. It’s dark, real dark , though sad to say, not very dramatic.

Areas is nervous, he thinks the idol is here and he is afraid.
Jeff points out that Ares sent Austin and Danielle to Exile . That Dani and Austin were in Hell, while Aras was eating pounds of bacon and pastries. Then Jeff points out that Austin and Danielle had a bonding experience out there on the Island. ( All this talk of bonding, who thinks they " got it on" ? Naw, me neither)

Jeff points out that they are two separate tribes still ( and Jeff hates that shit!) He asks Cirie how they get along around camp. She says they get along fine til it’s time to figure out who to vote for.
Shane is worried about getting voted off, he is afraid of the idol, he is afraid it’s gonna come out.
Jeff talks about the idol some more, just to watch Aras and Shane squirm .
Jeff tells Danielle she is at the bottom of the group, he straight out tells Bruce that the team lied to him and he is going home 6th. What does Shane think about that?
Shane thinks that maybe one of those asses will flop, but not two, it’s impossible for 2 to flip, so he still has the numbers, unless the idol comes out.

Jeff- Terry has immunity, you can’t vote for him. One of you is going home tonight. Now vote.

Austin , Sally and Terry vote for Aras, everyone else votes for Austin ( 6 to 3) .

Jeff - Bring me your torch Austin , unless , you have the Idol.

Austin hesitates, he reaches for his bag , Aries and Shame wet their pants.
He brings his torch to Jeff.
Austin is the first member of the Jury.
And just like a snail they get him out.
First there is an Austin , then there is no Austin, then there is.

Jeff gives that speech about the power shifting to the jury, and how the game changes when you are voting out people who will be judging you, then it's over.

Grab your torches and head back to camp

Next time on Survivor, stupid people do stupid stuff, and Jeff shows his dimples again.

Thanks
~Buggy